Chivalry Isn't Dead, Expectations Are

There is a common misconception out there that chivalry died a painful death many years ago. Is this true? Hardly. Chivalry is offering to carry her bags, holding the door open, or waiting for her to sit down before you do. Chivalry is holding space for your woman so that she is able to live a more frictionless existence, and the surprising thing is both men and women contributed to chivalry falling out of favor. 

As the rigid gender norms of past generations fell by the wayside, and with the movement towards gender equality, women no longer had to defer to men. Women wanted to be treated as equals and not patronized as though they were inferior or weak and child-like, but this doesn’t mean they didn’t want to still feel protected. The roles of men and women in intimate relationships became less clear. Through the new paradigm shift of what romance looked like, certain standards started to slip. People, on some level, are inherently lazy. We’re hardwired to want to do the least amount of work for the most amount of results. We are suckers for the “get rich quick" and "lose 30 pounds in four days" and "find your dream man/woman by this weekend” buzzwords. While you can get results quickly in life, you can’t get results easily.

With the rise of the culture of personality and fall of a culture based on character, men started to do less to take care of their women. And here is where women started to contribute: As men did less, women started expecting less. Women have recently relaxed their standards as to what is acceptable for the men they will allow in to their lives because “hey, I’d rather be dating a shmuck than dating no one at all!” And so as men see that they are allowed to get away with it, they do even less. This gradual settling and relaxing pattern is what has brought us to our modern relationship climate.

How Do We Fix This? If women settled for less, and men relaxed into providing less, how do we reverse this trend? Women can reverse it by expecting more, and men can reverse it by improving more. When women raise their standards as to what is acceptable to them in a relationship, it creates the space for men to step up.

Here is the best example I can give regarding this; When a baby is learning to walk, at a certain point you have to let go of their hands for them to learn on their own. Will the baby fall down a few times? Absolutely. Am I saying that modern men’s chivalrous abilities are akin to that of a baby learning to walk? Yes, I am.

I’ve had people (jokingly or not) tell me to stop posting as much content on helping men step up in their intimate relationships because it would make it harder for them to find a quality woman. To which I say, fantastic! Women will just have to learn how to step up even harder. I would not be serving the world’s growth in any way if I played small, if I created less, if I expected less from men. But I’ve seen the depth, the devotion, and the beauty of a woman who has done her work, and I see more than anything that she deserves an army of men fighting to be better for her. What do I see instead? I see an army of men who bicker, bitch, and bully each other. I see men who play video games more than they read a book. I see men who haven’t challenged their minds or their muscles with much more than lifting up a gallon of milk to read the expiration date. So what can everyone do to help men step up? What will it take for everyone to see that this isn’t a problem of chivalry, but a problem of relaxed standards that are making everyone suffer? I'm glad you asked...

A Message To The Men - Always do more than you think you need to. Don’t wait for the call to action from the woman in your life. Take the masculine, directional energy that is coursing through your veins and turn it on to yourself. How can you free yourself from your emotional demons? How can you make the women in your life feel more cherished and appreciated? What do you need to be doing that you haven’t yet done? What does your mind hold you back from doing that your heart knows it needs to do? How can you live more congruently in your life? And how can you stop accepting behavior from yourself that you know is beneath you? Yes, the women in your life need to raise their standards, but you can give them a reason to before they even knew it was an option.

A Message To The Women - Expect more from the men in your life. Maybe it will feel like taking on a small sense of entitlement compared to what you’ve been doing, and that’s fine. How can you honor yourself and your wishes so that a man will have to grow in order to fulfill your needs? In those moments when you expect chivalry not to happen because it “hasn’t happened with other guys”, how can you temporarily suspend past expectations and patiently wait to see what this man brings to the table? When walking towards a doorway, hesitate slightly before reaching for the door handle and maybe the man will spring into action and open the door for you. Or better yet, he won’t even need any trace of a hint, and he will do it of his own volition. How can you TRUST that if you don’t settle into a relationship with any guy that happens to show an interest in you, that an even better man will fill the space for you as long as you are holding your standards and keeping an open and loving heart?

You crave love. I get it, we all do, and it’s difficult to resist the urge to get into a relationship when you want that tenderness so badly. But letting yourself date someone below your standards hurts everyone. It hurts you because you are displeased with your partner. It hurts your partner because he doesn’t have to grow to be your partner. And it hurts our intimate culture in general because it teaches men that they can get away with the bare minimum. When I see a quality woman dating someone who clearly doesn’t have the same level of emotional maturity as them, it hurts me. It hurts me like it hurts my female friends who complain of men who have so much potential, but who settle for menial jobs. How much would the world have missed out on if Steve Jobs would have thought to himself “you know what, life’s too scary to really try. I’m going to work this minimum wage job instead so that I don’t make any waves in the world”? The exact same thing applies to you. If you settle for a partner that is undeserving of you, then you are missing out on deeply affecting and inspiring the life of a man who could change the world with your love and encouragement. So hold out and wait for someone to fill that space. 

Is it scary? Sure. Are you worried that if your standards are too high you’ll end up alone forever? I understand that fear. Wouldn’t it be one of the greatest things to ever happen to you if you held that space for a mentally and emotionally mature man to enter your life? Wouldn't it be great if one day he showed up and loved you better and more fully than every other man in your life combined? I’d say so. So hold on to that space. Expect more, and see more.

Wait a second, wasn’t this supposed to be an article on chivalry? Yes, and it was. Whether men are expected to act chivalrous or not, they can do it. When we move from settling and relaxing, to expecting and improving, then we will see and feel the difference in our interactions between men and women. And men, when you start regularly getting the feedback of “no guy has ever done that for me before”, then you’ll know that you're on the right track...

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Ready To Take The Leap

What call are you afraid of making in your life? Is it time that you ended a relationship with an old friend? Do you need to leave your partner because you know he/she isn’t the one for you? Do you hate your job? You might have a few decades left to live, but are you going to spend them being miserable? Maybe miserable is too strong of a word, but your life is calling for some drastic action right now. At a certain point, after you've finish analyzing, preparing, and deciding what you need to do, you just need to take the leap. The decision may be obvious, but trust me, the reality is terrifying.

We all experience that terrifying feeling, and as a man, I'm often afraid to admit uncertainty or weakness in any form. I experience nervousness, fear, and uncertainty just as much as any other guy (maybe even more because I am so relentless with myself about becoming self-actualized). I've come to this point of realization: I believe there is nothing more normal than fear. There is a quote that I love that goes, “The more personal it is, the more universal it is”. Basically, it's saying that every little thing that you think no one should ever find out about you (because it is SO embarrassing), is a sure sign that everyone experiences that same feeling, and are probably experiencing it on a frequent basis.

What is not normal, is having your life be run by fear. Some fear is healthy, but an over-abundance of fear is damaging and limits your entire life in every way. See that girl or guy you’re attracted to? Go talk to them. You don’t know what to say? Start with “hello”, and then go from there. You know the job that you feel stuck in and you dislike so much? You can leave it and find another job. That other job might have to pay less for a while, but you’ll be happy again. Do you feel like a lot of your friends don’t really have your best interest at heart? Stop hanging out with them. The great thing about living in a world with seven billion people is that you can choose to make new friends. Sounds good right? Try it out! On my Instagram this morning, I posted a reminder that said "If you don't like where you are, MOVE, you are not a tree". It's funny, but it's real (at least it is for me).   

So again, what call are you not making in your life? As scary as it may seem, you will probably grow from it, just as I am about to grow by doing what I want to do with my life with whom I wish to share what I do with. As always, I will be periodically sharing the process of my journey with you soon, so stay tuned.

Is it scary? Absolutely.

Is it worth it? Always.

Take the leap, you'll thank me later...

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What Women Will Always Be Attracted To

If there is one thing that I’ve learned in my short stint as a relationship blogger, it’s that guys beliefs about what actually attracts women is pretty backwards. Men have been raised with the false belief that they should always appear detached, cool and unemotional 24 hours a day, or risk being known in guy world as “weak”. I’ve encountered countless driven entrepreneurs who work tirelessly for years to amass their fortune, only to find that the wall of cash that they’ve built around themselves is only making it more difficult for them to find a woman who values them for their character.

I’ve had potential clients be “on the fence” about whether to spend some of their cherished time and money doing their internal work, but they don’t hesitate to buy a flashy watch or car, presumably for the same end goal of trying to attract a quality woman into their lives. So if cash-flow, fancy accessories, and a detached expression doesn’t attract quality and loving women, then what character traits are women attracted to? Here are seven of the most important things that women will always be attracted to.

1. Drive - Women are attracted to men who have goals, and are actively pursuing them. Masculine energy is directional energy. Like a boulder rolling down a hill, the single-focus energy that penetrates through resistance in pursuit of achieving an end result is very attractive to women, but drive isn’t always enough on its own. Ideally you’ll be driven in something that you’re passionate about. Women are infinitely more attracted to a man who is dripping with passion about his work as an artist, compared to a man who reluctantly went into law to please his parents and is so unenthusiastic about his work that he uses self-deprecating and dismissive language every time you try and talk to him about it. As much as most men resist this idea, when it comes to attracting a high value woman of character, drive beats dollars every time.

2. Presence - Every person wants to feel deeply seen and understood by someone in their lives, but few people want to take the time to explain or reveal themselves. When it comes to deeply connecting with a woman on an emotional level, your presence will always mean more than any presents ever could. By being fully present with women (through eye contact, listening, and prioritizing distraction-free conversations) you give them the sense of feeling seen. Everyone (male or female) wants to feel deeply seen and appreciated. The first step in giving women this feeling is in developing your personal presence. What percentage of your attention are you giving the woman you’re speaking to moment to moment? Is the answer anything but 100%? Then you aren’t being fully present with her. Turn off the TV, put down your cell phone, face her directly, give direct eye contact, and truly hear the words that she is telling you.

3. Humor - I once polled a few women to ask them “What is the most important non-physical trait that attracts you to a guy?” One of the answers I got back was a sense of humor. Life is serious enough as it is. No wonder women value the lightness and playfulness that a partner with a sense of humor brings to their lives. Besides, if Cyndi Lauper is a credible source, girls just wanna have fun.

4. Spontaneity - Predictability is death to attraction. If she can predict your every word, move, or sexual escalation, then you might need to inject some spontaneity into your life. Whether that takes the form of taking her out for a new and unique date, surprising her with her favorite beverage, or bringing her flowers just because, spontaneity brings back some passion and life to your interactions with your partner.

5. Someone Who Is Intentional About Life - Intentionality is the practice of questioning everything in your life, and building the kind of life that you want to be living. It’s easy to be broke. It’s easy to be out of shape. It’s easy to have relationships that go nowhere and leave you both feeling unfulfilled. What’s comparatively difficult is to be wealthy, in great shape, and have a relationship that others admire. but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t doable. Part of intentionality is not just striving towards the things you want to add to your life, but also shining a proverbial flashlight into the darkest corners of your mental attic and asking yourself if you want to keep all of the old junk and baggage that you’ve accumulated.

6. Leadership Ability - It’s no secret that women are often attracted to men who display the ability to lead others. On the primal evolutionary level of attraction everyone is somewhat attracted to those that they perceive to be of higher social value than others. But, there’s a huge difference in someone who is a power-hungry jerk, as opposed to a person who is a loving and patient inspiration of a man. Don’t be proud of your ability to throw your weight around at the office. Dominating your employees isn’t attractive. Instead, lead with social intelligence, kindness, and by displaying the kind of values that people want to align with. The overt musculature of man that held status thousands of years ago in ancient tribes is outdated. What leads others now is not biceps layered on top of your biceps. it is the power and emotional intelligence that come from the strength of your mind.

7. Vulnerability - All of the power, prestige, leadership ability, and humor that you can muster won’t get you anywhere near a fulfilling relationship if you aren’t willing to let women see you emotionally. Relationships are catalysts for personal change and growth, but in order to work through your barriers to intimacy, you have to let women in. I was talking with a client recently who described a perfectly indicative scenario to me that he had experienced on a recent date.

He and his new love interest were walking hand in hand through a park when she asked him “You’re a bit of a softie, aren’t you?” His initial instinct was to resist what felt like an accusation. His first unfiltered thought was “Pfft, no! I just told you about the marathon that I completed last week. I think that’s kind of a badass, not soft!” But when he sat with the question for a moment he thought, yes, in many ways he was someone who felt emotions very deeply. He got teary-eyed on a weekly basis when Dancing With The Stars contestants were voted off the show. He remembered that he was often full of concern if he knew someone was injured or ill.  He got choked up whenever a character in a movie or TV show was dying, especially a child or older person. He thought to himself that yes, he was undoubtedly what many would consider a softie. So he replied with, “Yeah, I’d say I am. Most of my earliest childhood memories are of me having stronger emotional reactions to things than most of my friends or siblings, so by most people’s standards I’m probably a softie.” The honesty of this truth hung in the air for a moment and he felt relieved that he had been entirely honest with his date, and he felt a bit exposed as he waited anxiously for her response. She replied, “Good. I really like that about you. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t imagining it.”

How To Attract Women With Character - As with anything to do with humans/sexuality/attraction not all of these points will be valid for 100% of women or all people. I’ve had quite a few readers and clients recently ask me to divulge more of my personal story into my posts, and this post is where I’m starting. I truly love the company of women, and have had quite a few wonderful relationships which have usually come pretty easily to me. I’ve had many women tell me that I was so different from all of the other guys that they’d dated. If I had to boil it down to a few reasons why, those reasons would be the list you’ve just read. The fact that I’m driven, a good listener, playful, and intentional about my life makes me stand out from the competition. I’m comfortable showing emotion, whether it’s passion, joy, empathy, fear or sorrow. And if 9 out of 10 women tell me that I’m “unlike any guy they’ve ever met” then apparently these are the highest leverage ways in which other men can step it up. So take note of the two or three areas in which you could improve upon the most, and commit to taking action on them as soon as possible. Your future wife (and society at large) is hungry for you to step into your romantic greatness. Best of luck to you...

relationshiplessons.net

How To Really Know If She Is The Right One For You

The intimate relationship that you choose to be in, will be the single most important decision you ever make in your life. It will affect your health, your finances, and your emotional well-being more than almost any other decision you will make. So why do some people rush into it so haphazardly, while others take forever to commit? Do yourself a favor, and take five minutes out of your life to read the tips below. With a little bit of self-reflection, you will see that the choice is clear; either the woman you are seeing right now is amazing for you, or she isn’t. Here are five ways to help you figure it out.

It’s Easy - I have interviewed numerous couples that have been married for anywhere from 10 years, to my parents being married 55 years last week years, and they have all had one common denominator: it was easy. They didn’t have multiple breakups, or plate-throwing fights, or countless instances of infidelity to muddle through. They met. They liked each other. They started dating. It was easy. They got married. Then they stayed married because they liked each other. There were no major road bumps that caused them to doubt why they were trying to force the relationship to work. In the right relationship, you’ll realize that it takes effort, but it doesn’t take work.

The Important Stuff Is The Same - Do your core values align with hers? Do you both agree on whether or not you want kids?  What does an ideal night look like to each of you?  How frequently do you each exercise? If you don’t know yourself, and if you don’t know what values are truly important to you, then you might find it difficult to determine whether or not she is the right one for you.  If you find yourself searching for a partner to complete you, you might need to do some searching internally first. If the big things match up, the little things fall by the wayside.

Your Closest Friends Like Her - Your closest friends and family members aren’t you, but they have a pretty good idea of who you are. In fact, recent research suggests that those closest to you actually know you better than you know yourself. So if the people who have your best interests at heart don’t get along with your significant other, it could be a warning sign. Have the patience and willingness to truly listen to your friends’ opinions on your relationship.

It’s Almost Scary How Much She Turns You On - You don’t want to hide her from your friends… you want to show her off. You don’t have a passive-aggressive headache when she is in the mood, you find her so arousing that she distracts you from your work. You will want to devour her, and by that I mean you’ll want to know her thoughts, her feelings. You will adore her cellulite, her eye wrinkles, and the way she snorts when she laughs her hardest. You are attracted to her body, her mind, her heart, and her soul.

You Want To Make Her Life As Easy As Possible - Men are born problem solvers, it’s how we see everything, and the way you view this woman is no different. You don’t just want to show her the simple solutions, you will want to help her live the happiest and most uncomplicated life possible. Your jacket will be flying off your shoulders before she even hints that she is cold. You will hear all about her day even if you know exactly how to ‘fix’ it. You will catch her before she falls. If you have an unrelenting desire to help make her life as pleasurable as possible, take that hint: you really care about this one.

No one is perfect. There will always be what is known as the "the price of admission" in any relationship, the tiny things that can be cute but are usually frustrating: She doesn’t put away the bread after taking a slice. She never remembers to hang up her wet towels. She snores after a night of drinking red wine. But, when the big things are in place, you'll realize that "the price of admission’ is ridiculously worth it. The right partner will inspire you to grow, to step up, and become the best you in the history of all of the you's there ever was before. And you’ll want to fight to keep her, not that you’ll need to, because she won't let you go either...

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Significant Others Can Be Significant Again

There comes a time in any relationship where things get comfortable, and contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Being comfortable with someone means that you’ve let your walls down. You’ve shown your true self and accepted your partner’s true self in return, but there’s a huge difference between being comfortable and being lazy. Relationships still take effort, regardless of how long you’ve been together. It’s easy to think “we’ve been together for 7 years, she knows I love her” or “he knows that I support his passions, I shouldn’t have to compliment him all the time”, but just because we know our partner loves and supports us, doesn’t mean we need to hear it any less. There are many ways we can project our love and gratitude onto our partners. Everyone has their own love language, and it’s important to know what’s going to have the biggest impact on your partner. The other sure-fire way to make sure you’re effectively giving your partner the attention they deserve is just to do everything on this short list…

Praise - No matter who you are, everyone needs verbal affirmation to thrive. Even if you’ve put in the work, you’re comfortable with who you are, and you feel very much in love with yourself; no one is impervious to days or moments of self-doubt. Media leads us to believe that we should (1) be an island, (2) never depend on anyone for strength or self-worth, (3) praise ourselves, and (4) never look outside of ourselves for validation. Trust me, that’s amazing if you can do that. You probably have a soul made of iron and the spiritual stability of the Dalai Lama himself, and you should write a book immediately. But for the rest of us, we may need a little reassurance every now and then. You still need to put in the work. Being completely dependent on someone to create your happiness can only end badly. It can’t be the end of the world if you enjoy it when your partner tells you they like your outfit. It’s not a crime to feel a little sense of joy when they tell you they’re proud of you, and you should absolutely relish in the moment when they look in your eyes and tell you how lucky they feel to have you in their lives. No one should have to be an island. Think about the positive feelings that shoot through your body when your partner verbally expresses their love for you. Now, when is the last time you returned the favor? If the answer is more than 40 minutes ago, maybe you should take a moment and express your feelings. The truth is, the fastest way to a more positive and loving relationship is expressing how you feel about them on a regular basis. It lays the groundwork for overcoming any obstacles that may have come up over time.

Romantic Gestures - Romantic gestures are like praise in physical/actionable form, they’re more than words. They go beyond the surface. Anyone can say words, but a well thought out romantic gesture shows that you understand their needs. Some people see romantic gestures as a candlelit dinner at a nice restaurant, while others would be stoked to come home to find that you’ve cleaned the entire house for them. It varies from person to person and it comes down to knowing what your partner would like best. The point of a romantic gesture is to show your partner that you know them better than anyone else. To show that you’ve been listening and that you want to do something to make their lives a little easier, a little better, and a little more magical.

Carve Out Time - Nothing is more precious than your time. That’s why it means so much when someone chooses to spend it with us. You are literally telling someone they are important enough to use your life up. It doesn’t really even matter what you do in your time with them, as long as they are your only focal point. Turn off your phone, sign out of Netflix, and just ‘be’ in their company. Even 20 minutes of focused attention can create a huge impact for your relationship. It’s so easy to divide our attention these days. We have a constant link to work and entertainment in our hands at all times. Our brains can multitask better than any other generation. We live in a world of instant stimulus and gratification, but the most powerful thing you can do for your partner is let all of that go when you’re in their presence. I don’t expect this to be easy. Media is an addiction that we are all fighting. 

Meditation can be a huge help when re-learning how to focus. Allow yourself to sit without outside stimulus for as long as you can. This can be very difficult for some people, especially those with more extroverted tendencies, but gradually, the amount of time you can sit in silence will grow longer and longer. I promote meditation for many reasons, and helping you reconnect with your partner is high on that list. If you find your mind wandering, or when you feel that itch in the back of your mind that tells you to check your Instagram, take a deep breath and re-focus on your partner. Even if your partner is on their phone, they will be able to feel a greater intensity to your presence, and in most cases, they will reflect that back to you. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with technology, it does amazing things for us. But it can destroy our real-life relationships if we let it run our lives. In the end, it is escapism and everyone knows that on some level, so if you spend all your time buried in your phone, your partner can only conclude that it’s them you’re trying to escape from.

Don’t be afraid to take a step toward a better relationship. Sometimes when things get too comfortable, we can fear any sort of change that might end things. “What if she doesn’t take my compliment the right way?” “What if he thinks I’m crazy for planning a big date night?” I promise, if they’re the right one for you, any positive action will be met with gratitude. Sometimes we all need a little love and assurance. If you provide it before they even know they need it, you’ll be happy for the rest of your days… 

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How We End Up Missing "The One" Every Single Day

Another day, another missed opportunity.

What if “the one that got away” slipped through your grasp before you even realized it? On any given day, you could walk right by your true love and never even know it. You could sit next to each other on the train and never exchange a word, and it’s scary how likely that is. Most of the time, we’re just ships that pass in the night to each other. Face down in our phones or buried in our routines, closed to the romantic possibilities that encircle us constantly. The most terrifying possibility in love is not losing the one person you were meant to be with, it’s them never knowing that you existed in the first place.

1. As unromantic as it sounds, finding true love is a numbers game. Think about how hard it is just to find a halfway decent person these days. There’s a reason the one is called “the one.” While the odds are slim that there is literally only one person you can live happily ever after with, it conveys just how rare true love is in this world. Now think about how many people you pass by every single day. They vastly outnumber the people you’ve dated or even considered romantically in your life. If you date 20 people in your life, but pass by 20,000 on your way to work every morning, which group do you think is more likely to contain your dream partner? Think of finding “the one” as hitting the lottery. When it’s such a long shot to begin with, do you want 20 tickets, or 20,000? Even I can do that math.

2. We’re psychologically wired to fall for the people we see every day. It’s called the "Mere-exposure Effect" and it’s why coworkers so often fall in love, despite the potentially disastrous consequences. In the simplest terms, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be. Are you stealing glances at someone you see all the time on the train, at Starbucks, at the gym, only to quickly look away as you notice they notice you? There’s a more-than-credible chance you may be growing on them too.

3. People are more likely to form a relationship with someone who lives near them. They say love isn’t an exact science, but that hasn’t stopped psychology researchers from trying. Based on the findings of an MIT study, "The Proximity Principle" reveals that the closer they are, the harder they fall, and most people on your commute are exactly that; people who live near you, work near you and travel with you. What it comes down to is your chances are better with a person that’s within arm’s reach, instead of trying to force a long-distance relationship to work. Of course, there are many LDR love stories out there, but remember, we’re talking about a numbers game here. The odds are in your favor when you place your bets closer to home.

4. We tend to fall in love with people who are similar to ourselves. You can call it a twisted form of narcissism, but the researchers would prefer you call it the "Similarity Attraction Effect." Whoever said opposites attract was fooling themselves. Simply put, the more a person is like us, the more we find them attractive. You’re off to a good start in terms of similarity with someone who lives in the same city, works the same hours and sees the same sights as you do every day. Even before you’ve introduced yourself, you have shared stories about your community and about that crazy person who sometimes sing to themselves on the bus.

5. It’s hard to approach strangers out of context. The points above are considerable evidence that you could be bumping into “the one” every single day without realizing it. But even if you’ve convinced yourself that the man or woman you see buying a latte at Starbucks at exactly 8:37 every morning is worth a shot, it’s so hard to initiate romantic intentions when people aren’t expecting it. Sure, if you’re at the bar or browsing your online dating matches, it makes total sense, but it can feel so weird trying to flirt while sixteen impatient people stand behind you in line. There just never seems to be the right opportunity. There are so many ways that conversation could go awkwardly that it discourages you from trying in the first place. And reducing your opportunities is not how you win at a numbers game.

relationshiplessons.net

If Your Relationship Is Failing...

Relationships aren’t difficult, they really aren't. People are difficult. People make things overly complicated. They screw up and make mistakes, they lie and cheat, they make promises and break promises. People fail, relationships don’t.

I’ll admit, not everyone is compatible. Some relationships are bound to fail from the start. Some things in life simply are what they are. There’s nothing we can do to change them, but many relationships fail not because the people in them aren’t right for each other, they fail because they fail to put in the effort. You can say to someone you’re not ready for a relationship. You can say you’re not in the right place in your life for a relationship, and you can say the timing isn’t right and you need more time to focus on yourself and your personal goals. And I’m sure that at least some of these excuses are true, but it all boils down to one simple fact: YOU are not trying. YOU aren’t in the right place. YOU are the one who’s only focusing on your goals. YOU are the one who’s breaking that poor guy or girl’s heart.

Some relationships can’t be saved, but many of them can. How do you save a relationship that is already heading south? How do you keep the two of you together when things are already starting to fall apart? The only thing you need to do to give your relationship a chance of making it is this: You need to try. You need to try to make it work. You need to honestly, fully, genuinely and lovingly do all you can to make it work. It’s really that simple.

You may think you’re giving it a real shot. You’re wrong. In reality, you’re allowing your ego to get the best of you. You think your relationship is difficult because you have entered a partnership. You are no longer an “I” in a relationship; you are a “we”. Semantics aside, there’s a huge difference between the two. When you become a “we”, what YOU want isn’t as important as what the relationship needs. Obvious problems arise when what YOU want doesn’t sync with what your partner wants. When what you want differs from what the relationship needs and what your partner wants, what are you to do? Compromise.

Compromise is the key to any relationship. Without compromise, the relationship becomes one-sided, with just one of you getting what you want and living the life you want to live. The other person is simply along for the ride and waiting for a turn. If you want to save your relationship, you’re going to have to go out of your way to let your partner have his or her way. You’re going to have to make an effort to watch the movie that you would usually never be caught dead watching. You’re going to have to go to the event you’re dreading. You’re going to have to learn being happy isn’t enough. In fact, it’s far from enough.

You need to focus more on your partner’s happiness than your own. True love means loving someone so much that the only way you can be happy is by making your partner happy. If you want your relationship to work, you need to have this kind of love. This kind of love may seem one-sided to you, but actually it’s not. When you focus on your lover’s happiness, your lover should be focusing on yours. You have to be each others best friend, confidant, advisor and biggest fan.

When things get difficult in a relationship, we tend to create space, withdraw and zero in on how we’re feeling. We focus on how we see the relationship. We focus on all the things we feel aren’t working. In short, we focus on the negative. How do you expect something to work out when you aren’t communicating your problems? How do you expect things to resolve without sharing your feelings with each other? Stop focusing on the negative. Learn to be positive. Your relationship won’t have a chance of making it if you’ve already thrown in the towel. And if you’ve already given up on your relationship, how can you say you’re trying to make it work?

You need to try your best to be a team. I’ll be honest with you; sometimes you aren’t the only problem, and you alone can’t remedy the situation. You both need to want to make it work, and you both need to try to make it work. You need to be a team. You can go through life on your own, but I don’t recommend it. It’s not that you couldn’t make it on your own, but it’s much harder for yourself. Life is already incredibly difficult; why make it more so? Having someone by your side through thick and thin is what makes us human. Human beings aren’t meant to live alone. We’re meant to love and be loved. We need this.

You are certainly far from perfect, and your partner is far from perfect too. You’re both only human, and you will make mistakes. You will tick each other off, annoy one another from time to time, and possibly even make each other cry. Relationships aren’t easy, but they are doable, and you need to be in it together. You just need to try to make it work. Stop making excuses for yourself. Stop finding reasons why you should give up. Instead, find reasons to make it work. The grass seems greener on the other side, but once you cross that fence, there’s no guarantee of a way back. If you want your relationship to work, you’re going to have to give it your best shot.

No one can ask more of you than your very best, and if you aren’t giving it your very best, then you’re the one to blame…

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More Marriage Lessons from The Divorced Guy

Marriage is incredibly difficult, especially so in this day and age. Between the picture society paints about marriage and all those fun (yet destructive) “distractions” that technology has afforded us, it’s surprising the divorce rate isn’t even higher. Years ago, I couldn’t say that my marriage was safe. In fact, my marriage was at rock bottom. Yes admittedly, the one who claims to be “Love’s #1 Fan” now, was more of a bastard than a husband back then. After my last divorce six years ago, I went back to the drawing board and did a TREMENDOUS amount of work and soul searching on what went wrong in my marriages. I wasn’t “present” in my marriages, and I convinced myself that I was working on it. In reality, I wasn’t working on it and I wasn't good at doing any of the work. What I was good at was finger pointing, deflecting, and playing the role of victim. As evolved as us men like to sometimes think we are; often we see things through a very narrow lens. When I was married, I admit to making a lot of mistakes over those years. Those mistakes have prompted me to tell you five simple things you can stop doing TODAY that will save (or improve) your marriage. Whether you're male or female, I think it’s about time you learned something from this divorced guy.

1. Stop flirting! We’ve all done it before, often convincing ourselves that it’s harmless. I’ve got news for you, IT’S NOT! Shooting a look at the cutie in the coffee shop can be a lot more destructive than you think. I used to work in a bookstore with plenty of women, and a little flirting never hurt anyone, or so I thought. Heck, it was only a look here and there, where’s the harm, right? You have to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Regardless of how harmless you believe it is, what is the reason you are crossing that line? As men, we often seek constant reassurance and who better to get it from than an attractive co-worker or that woman you see at a grocery store. The problem is, this behavior is filling an emotional need! Don’t allow it to create space and distance in your relationship. Flirting is fun, and it's exciting, and it's DESTRUCTIVE! The next time you get that urge to flirt, turn away! Today, anytime I see an attractive woman, I will look away. It may sound silly to you, but IT WORKS for me! It's all about my integrity, and I won't compromise that anymore. Even “thinking” about another person is pulling you away (energetically) from your significant other, which leads me to the next point.

2. Stop the emotional cheating! This is another BIG one, and comes right behind flirting. Sometimes, I tend to relate with women much better than men. I’m very much in touch with my feelings. It’s just who I am. Throughout the years, I have had a lot of female friends. At times, some of these relationships have caused me grief, and I now understand why. Even though I didn’t think I was cheating because it’s not like we were having sex. The truth is, I was driving a huge wedge between my wife and myself. It’s very hard to see that lesson when you’re in the thick of it. I thought I was just venting to a friend who happened to be of the female variety. Texting and social media make this especially easy, and that’s why it’s even MORE dangerous! What you “think” is a harmless conversation with a female friend on Facebook, could be (and usually is) much more than that. If you feel the need to hide any of those harmless conversations from your wife, they’re probably not so harmless.

3. Stop blaming! We’ve all blamed and shamed. I’m a good guy, how could it possibly be ME with the problem? The truth is it’s much easier to point fingers than it is to take a deeper look at ourselves. We all play a role in every aspect of our relationships, and we need to accept responsibility for the part we played. Rather than try to defend your position, listen to your spouse and do so from a kind and loving place. When you’re open minded enough to listen (rather than defend or blame), you’ll be surprised how quickly you can extinguish a potential blowup. The need to place blame says a lot more about you than it does about the person you're blaming.

4. Stop holding on! How many times have you heard, “Don’t go to bed angry?” C’mon now, we’ve all had fights with our spouses, and it’s impossible not to have disagreements. During these times, we tend to reside in a place where instead of looking at the good qualities of our spouse, we focus (and magnify) the bad ones. By holding on to past resentments and anger, we not only weaken our relationship but almost certainly prevent it from being the best that it can be. Forgiving and letting go is the only solution. Next time you’re in the middle of a conflict with your spouse, ask yourself, “What is my objective here?” What am I trying to gain? It is much easier to be kind rather than be right. I used to go days (and a few times even weeks) without talking to my spouse after an argument! I was so blinded by the need to win a fight, that I let my pride (and ego) control me and my relationship. In other words, don’t bite off your nose to spite your face. It hurts too much when you do that. 

5. Stop making it all about you! Ah, the ego. As men, we sometimes (ok, most times) let our egos get the best of us! It’s easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and ignore the wants, needs, and desires of our spouse. With all the pressures and responsibilities life can bring, we sometimes forget what’s most important. Instead of thinking about all the things you have to do on a daily basis, take a minute and think about all the stuff that is on your wife’s plate. Is it any less significant than what you do? So why do you treat her like it is? If you can be really honest with yourself, you’ll probably realize that your spouse has a heavier plate than you have. What our Queens desire is just a little more understanding and maybe, some appreciation. It doesn’t take much either. Trust me when I say that an occasional bouquet of flowers goes a LONG way. If you think you’re too busy to commit more time to your relationship, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Schedule a date night at least once a week, and don’t deviate from it! Show her you care and that you value her as a person. We all like to feel appreciated, and our wives are no different. Once you start filling that emotional gas tank, you will start to see radical improvements in your relationship.

 

Marriage can be extremely challenging, but you get out of it exactly what you put into it. One of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyer sums it up beautifully. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change”. They certainly do. Take it from a divorced guy…

relationshiplessons.net 

If You Ever Fall In Love...

If you ever fall in love, fall in love with someone who…

You can laugh with, but also cry with.

Joke around with, but also be serious with.

Enjoy the present moment with, but also envision a future with.

Enjoy nights out with, but also sit in comfortable silence.

Bring around your friends, but also around your family.

Be young and crazy with, but also picture being old and wise with.

Someone you admire, respect, and are proud to be with.

Someone you smile just thinking about, and would do anything to spend time with.

You make a priority in your life, and genuinely miss when they are not around.

Fall in love with someone who comes into your life and makes you understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

Fall in love with someone who motivates you to become the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.

Fall in love with someone who you will pledge to choose every single day.

Fall in love with someone who supports your goals, dreams, and ambitions.

Fall in love with someone who you believe in.

Most importantly, fall in love with someone who feels the exact same way about you.

relationshiplessons.net 

To The Ones I Once Loved

This blog today was in essence created to make you think. As I openly talk about the loves I had and lost, it can easily be substituted with the ones you loved and lost as well. Think about it. Learn the lesson for yourself, find your own closure, and be free like I am to move on afterwards... 

To the ones I once loved,

There was a time, wasn’t there? There was a time that we shared ourselves with each other. We shared laughter, tears, experiences, and traditions. We shared our most intimate secrets with each other. We shared a bed, but even more importantly we shared wants, needs, desires, dreams, and visions for the future. We were completely exposed to one another, both physically and emotionally.

Uncensored. Trusting. Fully immersed. Unaware of what the future would bring. Ah, there was a time, wasn’t there? There was a time when we created memories. A time when a person who was once a stranger, became everything, then eventually seemed to somehow become a stranger again. A stranger who would forever leave a space in their shape on our hearts and our minds. One who leaves memories in the way that one leaves a carving on a tree. A carving that someday may have other memories grow over it making it invisible, but no matter how deep it becomes buried, it will always be there.

The memories of experiences shared are now silhouettes in the back of our minds that softly emerge when the right song is heard, or the right scent is smelled. Memories that manifest themselves as a gentle smile across our faces, reminiscent of those that we once shared across the room. Smiles we shared when we were different people than we are now. When we were learning from, growing with, and just enjoying each other. Smiles we shared when we had no idea what the future held for us, but didn’t care. We were us back then, and now you are you, and I am me.

We still don’t know what the future will bring, maybe someday our paths will cross again. Paths that have traveled the world separately and somehow reconvened in line at a coffee shop or passing on the street. Maybe one of us will be married, or have children, or have lived a life of great experiences. A life full of stories to be told. We will have laughter lines from laughs we did not share together and wrinkles from pains that we did not shield each other from. We will have traditions built with someone else, and special occasions that were once only arbitrary dates on a calendar. We will have photos on our phones of experiences we did not share.

We will talk, reminisce and part ways again. We will hug, and for a fleeting moment our hearts will recognize each other and beat in unison, if only briefly. We will linger, remembering the times we shared, then before fading back into our separate lives and away from each other once more, one last smile of understanding and shared memories.

We will fade from each others lives, but burn brighter in the ones we have created for ourselves with the one we now love. The one who taught us that it was okay to move on. The one who taught us that we could love again. We will have new smiles, separate smiles built by separate memories. Smiles full of love and family and the person who has accepted us fully, as we have accepted them. Smiles of contentment that reflect the silent comfort that we have found happiness, when at one time we did not think it was possible without each other. Smiles that understand this is the way things were meant to be.

It always was...

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