The Beautiful Mess Relationships Can Be

Relationships are like brussel spouts...they're good for you, but sometimes they stink. I’ve been in relationships for the last 30 years of my life, and married for 14 of those 30 years, and I’ve been dumb enough to make a gazillion mistakes but I've also been smart enough to at least try to learn from them. I’ve had some of the same best friends since I was fourteen years old and we’ve gotten into some massive arguments. And anyone who has a sibling (or in my case, four siblings) knows that being in relationship with people you’re connected through by blood can get a little messy sometimes.

Since we weren’t designed to be hermits or live in isolation, we must figure out what it means to be in relationship with those in our community. Not just your next door neighbor, but your class mate, coworker, spouse, and sibling. If we’re honest with ourselves, it’s hard. It’s hard to continuously invest in relationships that may or may not bring pain, joy, tension, or acceptance, or all of it. But we move forward, we pursue community. We have to. Yes, there is an emotional risk when we enter into community. But with every risk, there is a reward. Every work of art caused some level of commitment to complete. Every book written required some level of pain. Every plate of brussel sprouts worth eating required some time to make delicious. I haven't quite figured that one out yet, but I'm sure I'll still have some time. Great relationships are usually born from great sacrifice, not the result of selfishness. 

Last week, I was honored to be able to speak to a group at their Beautiful Mess series on relationships, sex, and marriage. Though the barometer for sacrificial relationships I used was marriage, I truly believe the topic bridges the gap between expectations and behaviors in all forms of relationship and community. I debated posting the message here because honestly, I don’t know how to manage expectations in relationships AT ALL. And me talking about marriage is like Barbara Walters talking about being black… it just doesn’t work, man. But here we are in our beautiful mess (whatever that mess may look like in your world) and if you're committed, we all share one thing in common...WE AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!

Just a little encouragement for those who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, or for those who believe that light just might be an oncoming train. There are things I've learned about myself in my beautiful mess, and the most important thing is that my mess, is quite beautiful. For all I've been through, I wouldn't trade places and I'm extremely thankful for the process. It gets better, and if you stick with me, I'll continue to tell you how...

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2014 Relationship Lessons Checklist

Since my new year's resolution of "I Matter", it has dawned on me that we are close to completing another month in 2014. I'm checking on you to see how you're doing. If it helps, I made a relationship lessons checklist. Some of these are easy, some are not, but the challenge is in making sure that you stretch yourself along the way.

1. I will not rush things…
2. I will make exceptions, but no compromises…
3. I will not make it about me…
4. I will make a list of what I want to change about me….
5. I will make a list of what I want in a mate….
6. I will celebrate small victories in my relationships…
7. I will ask questions and assume NOTHING….
8. I will ask God what He thinks before asking anyone else…
9. I will not judge my relationship by looking through the window of my friend(s) relationship….
10. I will leave a broken relationship…
11. I will not consider what goes on in the bedroom quality time….
12. I will not take credit for the relationship going well and I will not take the blame for the relationship going bad….
13. I will not pressure anyone….
14. I will not confuse lust with love….
15. I will not move in…
16. I will not play house…
17. I will not cheat: romantically or emotionally with another person….
18. I will not use ALWAYS or NEVER when I’m angry….
19. I will not make it all about sex….
20. I will not use sex as a tool, punishment, game, or reward,…
21. I will not take calls, texts, messages, or tweets from __________….
22. I will not have a baby with someone who is not my wife/husband... 

Which ones are you keeping up with? Which ones are you struggling with? We can learn from each other in the year of "I Matter". 

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You Want It Open, I Want It Closed

These days most people are praying for doors to be opened. Whether it’s in their professional life, family life, personal life...people are looking for and asking God for an abundance of opportunities to get them out of their current circumstances. If you hate your job, you pray to get an offer from a better company with better pay and benefits. If the family is behind on the mortgage, you pray for God to make a way to avoid foreclosure and eviction. If your car sucks and you’re broke, you pray for an unbelievable deal on a good car and a turn on your fortune. If a friend is going though something, you pray for their healing and deliverance. In essence, we are praying for options. We want to have the choice to get out of our current situation. No one wants to be stuck and be a bystander in their own life. We want control. I’m definitely a fan of having options, except in one area: my relationships.

Going into college, I was the one-woman type dude. When I found someone I liked, I was 100% full steam ahead. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else, kick it with anyone else, hang out with anyone else, or chill with anyone else – and this was all before we were even official. I would be dedicated to earning her time and attention. Then, I stepped on a college campus...women everywhere! Short ones, tall ones, big ones, small ones – it was like a page out of a Dr. Seuss book. There was something for everyone. There were options, maybe there were TOO MANY options. When I dated, I always wondered, “what if?” I could have a date lined up and get a “what you doing?” text from someone else, and start questioning if I was missing out on something better. Sometimes it was so bad, that if I was on the date and got a text, I might try to wrap it up early so I could see “what’s up.” Sad, I know. All the options were a distraction and dating multiple women was a headache (and I wasn’t the best at multitasking). Don’t be fooled, it was the same for the women; they had their pick at school too. There were plenty of times I asked a girl out, and she would "already have plans" with someone else.  Like I said, there were options.

Fast forward past college and enter the real world. No incoming freshmen girls every year, and depending on the size of the city you’re in, the dating pool may be pretty small and stagnant. But old habits die hard. There definitely might be less options, but they’re still there. New options walk up and down the aisle at church on Sunday, options show up at Applebee’s, options shop at the grocery store and go to the mall. Old options still text out of the blue or find you on Facebook, bump into you at Wal-Mart and give you that beautiful smile that you originally fell for...and soon you’re back to wondering “what if?”

These days, into my 40's, I've learned that I don’t need or want that kind of distraction anymore. These days I’m constantly praying for gifts of discernment, recognition, and closed doors. That’s right, CLOSED doors. I want to be wise enough to recognize and pursue a quality woman – that’s the work I have to put in, but I need help with the distractions. I’m actually asking for and wanting God to close doors that lead to dead ends or what would be a distraction to my current situation. I want to date a woman, one, singular. I want to meet her, court her, get to know her and follow through to see where the situation goes. I don’t want to be multitasking women, especially since I was never good at it. I want to be 100% in again, I want to give it a good try, un-jaded by my past. I want to have a singular focus on one woman to see if it could work out. If it doesn’t that’s fine too, but I should learn something from it.

So obviously these closed doors could just be dead end distractions, and I’m sure that some of you reading this might agree with that. But then there are those who are reading this questioning if you may just be wasting time on the wrong person if you don’t explore other options. I understand the dilemma, but that’s where your maturity and faith comes in. You have to trust that the person you’re with is the one God has meant for you to be with at the moment (not sexually though, God doesn’t like that). Whether it’s for a season or a lifetime, there should be something to gain from the experience and pray for wisdom throughout the experience.

After a lot of attempted multitasking, I’m ready to leave the college ways alone and date in the singular. I encourage other men out there to do the same. Distractions are just that...distractions, but you could instead focus on the goal that could be sitting right in front of you...

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The Lie Believed By Everyone (Part of My Story)

Don’t you just love romantic movies? If only real life were like that. I still remember when I first saw Jerry Maguire in the movie theater. Every woman in the theater let out a sigh as they swooned over that now-classic line: You...Complete Me. Who after all, wouldn’t want a man to profess his love that way? After all the cheesy pick-up lines, lame first-date conversations, practically illiterate text messages….not to mention the mean words; the put-downs and the cruel things men have said that have broken your heart. Who wouldn’t want a man to look her in the eye and say, “you...complete me.” Today, now that I'm in a relationship, I know now that I would never, ever want to say to anyone that I "complete them". And once you understand more about the love lie Hollywood – and society – has been feeding us for so long, you’ll agree that “you complete me” is one of the most dangerous phrases one human being could ever say to another. I’ll get into that in just a minute.

I always attracted and was attracted to the wrong kind of women. It’s funny as I look back on it now, but my list of some of my exes would read like a "who’s who on who not to date"! I can admit now that I was some of these very people that women fell for…so let’s see how many of these are on your list as well:

• There was the dude with no ambition - You know, the guy you think is so cool…until your friends and family meet him and say “you could do so much better than him! But of course you can’t let yourself believe them. Plus, as a woman, you see so much more in him than anyone else does!

• Next up was the guy who just wants to be friends with benefits -Yup, enough said. You stuck around way too long, wishing and praying that he would come around, change his mind, and want you to be his girlfriend but he never did.

• There was the guy with the smoking, drinking or substance problem -Ah yes, so rewarding to have what you thought was a romantic night filled with deep conversation about the future of your relationship…and then he wakes up in the morning, pukes, and is completely unable to recall anything that happened the night before. What a keeper!

• It’s no shocker if you also fell in love with the man who cheated on you. And you were even foolish enough to take him back, at which point...you guessed it, he cheated again!

• I’m embarrassed to admit that this was me, but some of you also fell for the psychological abuser.

• Believe or not, you may have also had a relationship with the closeted gay guy (this one was never me personally).

I once was a bad relationship magnet! And when I was in these relationships, one after another (without ever taking a breather), I would do everything in my power to try to make them work out.

I felt that the fate of these relationships all rested on my ability to become the “perfect” boyfriend for these women. Often this would involve me becoming someone I really wasn’t, just to please them. Even when I would accidentally stumble into a relationship and be the good guy – you know, a decent man who actually loved and cared about her – I would still make the same mistakes. I've been needy, clingy, and wanted to spend all my time with her. Not simply because I enjoyed her so much, but because it gave me some odd illusion of control over the relationship. Like if I was always around she couldn’t lose interest, fall out of love, or even in my low self-esteem, cheat on me. Ugh! It’s so hard to admit this, but it’s the truth. Some parts of my story probably had you nodding your head, thinking, “wow…I’ve been there”. You may even be there right now. And I’m here to tell you that if that’s the case, you can let yourself off the hook, because it’s not your fault.

You have been lied to, and just like me, you – and all people in love with being in love – have been lied to by Hollywood and society. And it all comes back to that seemingly romantic sentiment in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger...“You...complete me”. When we search for love, we’re looking for someone to fill us up and make us whole. We’ve been confused into thinking that our happiness is someone else’s responsibility. So we put ourselves “out there” on the dating scene, hitting the bars and clubs, asking our friends to set us up with acquaintances and coworkers, searching through hundreds of dating profiles online…all in the hopes that we’ll find the perfect man or woman, the missing puzzle piece, our other half, our better half. Well guess what...it doesn’t matter how you choose to look for love. When you seek love from a place within of neediness and insecurity, you’re setting yourself up for complete and total failure…each and every time. You’ve been doing this for years, probably since you started dating as a teenager (most of us have).

So, what’s the antidote to this devastating lie? Here's The Truth. The truth that will set you free and allow you to have the real, true, forever partnership with a man or woman who loves you for you. Well, it’s a two-part solution. Are you ready?

To have the relationship of your dreams, you need to:

1. Understand men and women better, and
2. Love yourself more.

If you allow me in the weeks to come, we will find out how to do just that. It sounds simple, right? Well, I'd be a fool to believe that it was, and so would you. This will unfortunately take some time. And since it took a while for some of us to get into this mess, it's going to take about that long (if not longer) for some of us to come out of it. Together, we can all find a way to be that perfect person for us, before we can be that perfect person for someone else...

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There's a Reason Why He Won't Call You Back

My female friends often ask me, “what is it with men and their annoying habit of not calling back?" Women have grappled with this since the dawn of dating. I know it’s a constant source of frustration for anyone who’s had to deal with the Houdini types out there. At the risk of ratting out my fellow guys, I’m here to set the record straight about this no-calling-back business. Yeah, I know guys can be weird sometimes, but we don’t do it because we’re mean or get some kick out of it. If your guy is sending out those so-called “mixed signals”, it simply means he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship right now.

I know it sucks for me to say it like that, but that is what it essentially boils down to if he’s displaying inconsistent behavior. I’ve told my friends the same thing, and they often respond with, “he was warm and cuddly during our last date, it’s just that he hasn’t returned my calls, texts and emails in the last month”. And then I’d simply say, “that’s your answer right there”. No matter how sweet he was the last time you saw him, don’t wait up too long if he hasn’t made the effort to get back to you in the last couple of weeks or so. I mean, if he can get out of bed, walk about and basically do things for himself, he could certainly drop you a line if he really wanted to, but he didn’t, so life goes on. And I’m not saying your guy was a jerk (ok, maybe a little) or that there’s something wrong with you. It’s neither of those things. The spark of attraction was there, but there’s something that kept him from building that initial momentum.

There are some cases where a guy just came out of a long relationship and he’s not really sure what he wants to do with his life. Perhaps he was testing the waters, got more than he was looking for, and eventually decided that he wasn’t ready. Or maybe he’s got some personal stuff to sort out before he can focus on a serious relationship. Whatever it is, he disappeared on you because he didn’t have it in him to pursue the connection. Sad to say but guys aren’t as expressive with their feelings as women are, so don’t be surprised if he hasn’t explained why he pulled a Houdini on you. Let me tell you something about men: we love the thrill of pursuit. We’re hardwired to go after anything we truly want, be it a successful career, a fitter physique or a relationship. So I’m not going to make excuses for a man that tells himself “I like her, but…” This is a cop-out, and he knows it. Again, I’m not judging anyone here. All I’m saying is that you simply need to observe his ACTIONS if you really want to know where he stands. He doesn’t need to tell you a damn thing. And then I get the follow-up question from my friends: “what do I do now?” Simple, move forward and don’t look back!

Personally, I’m not a fan of being a victim of the stuff that life throws at you. Why waste your time on someone who clearly isn’t going to reciprocate your affection? It’s actually more attractive to care about yourself enough NOT to tolerate being taken for granted. The way I see it, torches can only be carried for so long. It's time to put your torch down and move on! If you’re afraid that you’ll never meet anyone as great as Mr. Disappearing Act, just remember that quality guys are everywhere if you know where to look. On second thought, you don’t have to look for them at all. When you focus on the other aspects of your life (e.g. your family, friends, career, etc.), you’re already building the social capital that will naturally put you in the position to meet other guys who won’t waste your time!

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To The Survivors of Valentine's Day

It's amazing that we don't find more men pulling out their own hair around Valentine's Day. Of course this year, Valentine's Day wound up being Valentine's Weekend and most men don't carry a full head of hair anymore...but that's beside the point. If you check out society's portrayals of what an ideal and healthy relationship might look like, most of it falls right in line with February's most popular day. But how much of this fantasy is actually indicative of our relationships? Absolutely none of it. That's right, zero, zilch, goose egg, nada.

The history of Valentine's Day and its patron saint, St. Valentine, is really not that clear. There are numerous stories about St. Valentine and how February 14th came to be known as, "Valentine's Day". One legend states that St. Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. During this time, Emperor Claudius II had the idea that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, so he outlawed marriage for the young guys. Valentine realized the injustice and defied Claudius in continuing to perform marriages for lovers in secret. When Claudius discovered this, he ordered that Valentine be put to death. So every February around the world, flowers, candy, and other gifts are exchanged between loved ones...all in the name of St. Valentine. Though it's traditional for men to give gifts to their female companions, it is not always a one-way exchange. Women can often be found expressing their undying love through gifts as well.

Unfortunately, our society takes instances such as Valentine's Day as a form of subconscious relationship advice to be used to promote dreamy fantasies. Most of us are too swept up in the emotions of expressing love through gifts and material items, that we forget to examine the true meaning of relationships and how we should really express love. The consequence is a society where the popular belief is that fairy tales can come true. You can buy flowers, candy, and a small gift on February 14th, thereby painting yourself as a loving image for the rest of your year. Most guys are lucky if those gifts grant them accolades past that day. For women, it's even worse. Many are driven by the thoughts of a romantic beau, surprising them with heart-felt poems and bouquets of blushing flowers. All of this passionate attention creates the stirring of butterflies in the bosom, but somehow neglects the fact that February 15th comes and it will be just another day. The reason is because relationships are not built on fantasy, and they certainly are not centered around a single day, even if that day was paid for with the blood of St. Valentine.

If you want to be cute and romantic on Valentine's Day, it's perfectly okay. Just don't think that your actions on that day will grant you any reprieves from future screw-ups. Better yet, celebrate your love and romance on more than one day of the year. Be sweet and kind on March 5th, April 27th, June 23rd, and maybe even September 23rd. The days you choose won't matter, as long as there are plenty of them, and your efforts are sincere...

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Love Writes a Letter

Hi. You don’t know me, but you have met me. My name is LOVE. You've met me several times in your life but you have never really recognized me. Somewhere along the lines you have created a distorted version of who and what I really am, so I am writing this letter to clarify a few misconceptions you have about me. Now I realize that this letter may stir up some emotions for you, it may even stir up some anger and resentment from you. And that’s ok because the only way for you to know me, to really know me, is to understand who and what I really am.

I am Love, and I am an experience. Some may say the greatest experience in the world. I am happiness, fulfillment, honesty, respect and integrity all rolled into one. I am the greatest experience you will ever have in your life. You can't buy me, and you can't learn about me. You have to experience me. You can read about me, and hear someone else talk about me, but you will never truly know me until you experience me. The problem is you don’t know how to experience me because you keep looking for me as if I am a thing that can be found. In your quest to find Love you fail to understand that I am not a mystical thing that runs around the planet eluding the masses.

I do not hide in trees or live under rocks. You don’t have to find me because I'm already here. I'm always around you, just like the air you breathe. But you fail to see me because you're too busy in your quest to find me. You don’t have to search for me, you simply have to know I'm always there. Once you know this, you simply have to open your mind and your heart and allow me in. The reason you can't see me is because you don’t understand who YOU are. You keep thinking that if you had me, your life would be better and you would be more complete...but that is a lie. You're already whole, and you're already everything you need to be...the perfect expression of who you really are.

Some say Love is a lot like money, I simply make you more of what you are. If you are a warm and generous person you will become warmer and even more generous. However, if you are insecure and jealous, my presence will only intensify those experiences because you feel you're undeserving of me. When this is the case, you will make it impossible for me to exist in your life. If you do not feel that I exist, or if you do not feel like you deserve me, you'll do everything in your power to keep me away from you. You will continue to blame those who may have hurt you. You will continue to make excuses for why it is ok for someone to treat you in a way that is less than you deserve. And as a result, you will make it impossible for me to exist in your life.

You see, Love has an evil twin sister and her name is FEAR. She is stronger than I am. She is the reason why you can not recognize and see me. Because Fear knows how to play with your mind and she certainly knows how to manipulate your emotions. Fear knows how to make you see and think things which are not really true. She is a master at manipulation. You may not be able to recognize Fear, but you'll know when she's around. She makes you afraid, she makes you stay in your comfort zone. She makes you do things you know you shouldn’t do. When you are presented with an opportunity to get to know Love or come closer to Love, Fear will do everything in her power to keep you away. And she will masterfully make you believe it is someone else's fault. Fear will cause you to make excuses when your partner continually lies and disrespects you. Fear will make you rationalize and justify why you should stay in an unhappy relationship. Fear will make you say things like:

• “But I love him / her.”
• “He / she really loves me, but just doesn’t know it”
• “I know things will get better”
• “It’s not that bad, I can live with it”

Fear will keep you from standing up for yourself. Fear will keep you from owning your POWER and showing the world you are ready for Love. Fear will do everything she can to keep you down, and she is sneaky too. When the one you say you love is not being or acting like the true partner you know you deserve, it's Fear that makes you stay. Fear causes you to rationalize and justify why you should stay with someone who is treating you like a doormat. Fear will confuse you, and tell you that it's Love that makes you want to stay. Fear also makes you doubt if I really exist. You may not have experienced me yet, but that does not mean I don’t exist. LOVE DOES EXIST...and I'm always around! There is evidence of me everywhere. You simply have to start focusing on Love and stop focusing on Fear.

But the biggest thing you have to do to notice me is to love yourself. Because the true Power in life, the greatest love of all is the love you have for yourself. When you love yourself, you don’t allow anyone to treat you any other way than the way you deserve. When you love yourself, you no longer tolerate things and make excuses for those who treat you like an object. You must stand in your Power and know that it is your birthright to know and experience me. No matter how afraid you are, no matter what your past is like, and no matter how much your heart has been broken in the past...you can experience me again! But in life, we all have the ability to choose. Every moment we get to decide if we are going to choose, but most of the time we don’t even realize it. That's just how good Fear is at what Fear does. Fear makes it difficult to see what is right in front of you, because Fear is afraid. Fear knows if you know the truth, if you really knew how to stand in your Power and make choices and decisions that brings more Love into your life...Fear will disappear.

Because in the presence of LOVE and POWER there is no FEAR.

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What Makes a Man Fall in Love?

I receive messages on Facebook, Twitter, and e mail just about everyday, and I'm doing my best to reply to as many of them as I can, but this one is asked the most by many of you so far...

WHAT MAKES A MAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

First of all, let me be clear and to the point when I say that you can not "make" a man fall in love with you. However being the romantic that I am, there are ways that I don't mind sharing that you can tell if he is falling:

1) Your time becomes his time - Men become centered with making sure he has all the information needed to make a decision on whether or not he wants to be with you. Pay special attention to how much time he spends with you or if he goes out of his way to accommodate seeing you, because this is the first indication if he likes what he sees and hears from you. 

2) His comfort in telling you his deepest and darkest things - The heart of a man is an emotional vault. Anything can go in it, but you need a special combination with secret B613 governmental clearance  in order to get anything out of it. That combination will only be found in his comfort with you. Don't get me wrong, men aren't that complex, but there are things he will tell the RIGHT woman at the RIGHT time. If you play up to making it easy for him to talk to you, his secrets lie with those he love.

3) He promises you nothing, but he gives you everything - A man in love will do whatever you need done, wherever you need it to be done, and whenever you need it done, hands down, point blank, period! Anyone can talk about it, but if he is falling in love with you, actions will prove that his words mean nothing.

Keep the questions coming, but remember to do your homework. 

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The Removal of Love

LOVE - verb (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. (2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. (3) sexual passion or desire.

If it was up to me, as "Love's #1 Fan", I would get rid of the word LOVE from the dictionary. I would even go so far as to completely remove it from our vocabulary. And to go even further, I would imprison anyone who prematurely uttered the word love from their mouth. I would then replace it with a different four letter word, one that also begins with “L”. But this word would be easier to understand and would not cause so much confusion in our lives. I am confident that replacing the word LOVE with the word LIKE, ninety-nine percent of the frustration, games and drama would disappear in our lives, especially in our relationships.

Think about it, how many individuals invest their time and energy into sinking relationships, and then turn around and blame its demise on love? How many individuals put up with being lied to, dishonored, disrespected and cheated on, only then to use "love" as a justification as to why it's ok to stay? I have seen more people than I could count, stay months and even years in unhappy and unfulfilling relationships. And then these individuals say they do it because of love. I don’t know about you, but if it came to being happy and liking someone, or being miserable and being in love...I’m gonna pick like and happy every time.

LIKE - verb (1) to take pleasure in; find agreeable or congenial. (2) to regard with favor; have a kindly or friendly feeling for a person,. (3) to find attractive.

Now before you go chastising me and my outlook on being an insensitive, unfeeling bastard of a man, let me assure you that I am a very happy guy. I like and love "The One" and our son so much, that I would willingly lay down my life for them at any moment. I believe this is because I now understand what love really is. I now understand that liking the person you are with is just as important, if not more important than loving them. But as it goes, I didn’t always see things that way at first. There were times when I stayed in unhappy and unfulfilling relationships. For years I stayed in a relationship where I was miserable because of love, or from what I thought love was. There was a time when an ex and I very much thought we loved and cared about each other. In fact we cared about each other so much, we tried to make a relationship work that we should have never even started. The truth is, we were completely wrong for each other.

Yes, there were some things we had in common and there were some good times we shared while we were together, but at the end of the day we were like fire and gasoline: great on its own, but dangerous when put together. We both stayed and tried our hardest to make the relationship work, but no matter what we did, we could not make each other happy and neither one of us wanted to hurt the other person. What we didn’t realize was that we were hurting ourselves the most. My takeaway from that relationship was if I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it was real important that I liked that person as much as I loved them. That is why I am on a crusade to remove LOVE from the dictionary. If we didn't use it so often or prematurely, I believe all of the confusion will disappear. I believe we will be able to see things more clearly. I believe we will be able to make our choices and decisions without second guessing each other. There will be no vacillating, and no going back and forth revisiting toxic relationships. Instead of making choices and decisions which we will look back on with regret, we will have the skills and tools to make the right choice for the right reason. As a result, we will no longer be able to go back and use love as an excuse...

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It's A Love Revolution

In eight days, it will be yet another Valentine’s Day. That means there will be people who will love it, and there will be people who will hate it. The rest of the people are probably somewhere in the middle. Regardless, this holiday is on the horizon and I for one enjoy it. Whether or not I have a valentine is irrelevant; I just enjoy spreading love. And as "Love's #1 Fan, and a believer in finding "The One", it's my responsibility to the world to generate a "Love Revolution" for Valentine's Day 2014...

I want to believe that Valentine's Day is more than women receiving cards and flowers and gifts of the stuffed bear variety. I'm just foolish enough to believe that Valentine's Day can be about women celebrating the men in their lives just as much as men celebrate women. Real men spend 364 days treating the woman they love special, couldn't one day be for him? I'm gonna leave the stuffed animals and heart shaped candies to all of the rookies out there. Ladies if you have yourself a "relationship rookie", next year may be the year you graduate to having a "valentine veteran". For the veterans, be proud of the fact that you are on your job every day and every month of the year. If you have a man that does the things of a gentleman, a lover, and a friend all rolled up into one...isn't that worth celebrating? 

To be a love revolutionary, it is defined as being outside or beyond the established procedure and principle. Men these days are being inundated with commercialism in romantic reminders that "every kiss begins with Kay" and "he went to Jared" and the like. This might work for the simplistic, but for me, I'd much rather make sure she's protected. I'd much rather take some of the load off of her plate. I'd much rather intercept stress and worry so she can be free mentally and physically to be at her best. This might be just me but I'm sure that valentine veterans line up everyday to perform such tasks for the one he loves. I'm not discounting the power of the diamond as a gift because it has its place, but for the veteran and the love revolutionary there's a bigger picture involved here. 

For Valentines day, I personally would like to feel appreciated. Feeling loved takes me to the moon, but feeling appreciated takes me beyond the stratosphere. A kiss may make her feel loved and electric at the same time, but ladies do you know just what exactly a kiss (the genuine, heartfelt and intentional one) does for a man? If you ever complimented your man for taking out the trash or bringing in the groceries, I promise you, the next trip will involve several more bags in his hands from the first time you saw him. It's mostly fueled from the appreciation he just received. This year, I'm looking for a love revolutionary to go outside of the norm next weekend. Do something outside of the established. Can I count you in this year?

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What Women Want

Finding a man who actually knows how to court and date can be pretty tricky. While there are some amazing guys out there who don’t need any help, it seems that the majority of men desperately do. It’s tough to know if guys do know how to date and are just being lazy out of fear of really settling down of if they’re genuinely confused about what women want. There are a handful of characteristics that women need to see before considering a given man to be a viable option. So guys, if you’re serious about a particular lady, check out this list of qualities that women want to see in their men.

She wants a man who is a go-getter: All women like a confident man who knows what he wants and how to get it. If you have a crush on a girl, go after her. Forget the games and just be upfront; tell her that you’re interested and would like the chance to get to know her better. She can only say yes or no — if she says yes, awesome, if she says no, you’ve lost nothing.

She wants a man who calls: I've come to find that most women are totally fine with texting to feel each other out, but I believe there should be a limit. Women are not pen pals; they would love to have a steady balance between texting and calling.

She wants a man who makes plans: So you took a chance, got her number and gave her a call — now it’s time to ask her out. Many guys seem to have trouble making solid plans because they worry that she won’t be interested in the suggested date. Consciously learn about the woman and what she likes to do while you correspond with her via texts and phone calls, then plan accordingly. Planning a thoughtful date is essential in the courting process — work to do something she will love. It’s possible to plan amazingly creative dates for under $50 if you make the effort.

She wants a man who focuses on just one girl: Often, when a guy meets a girl he actually likes, instead of her being enough, he feels the need to keep a few other backup options around, but these backup plans are likely not real options. If they were, they’d be more than just a backup plan by now. While you’re not yet monogamously committed, courtship will proceed much more seamlessly if you invest your time in just one girl. When you date multiple women, you don’t give any of them a real chance. 

She wants a respectful man: Again, while you’re not yet committed, it’s still important to be respectful of her at all times. Be honest with her about your intentions, don’t break promises and show up on time.

She wants a consistent man: Most guys I come across are on good behavior for a month or so, until they do or don’t get what they want — and then things fall apart. However, consistency will prove to her that she is who he wants. Stay consistent with communication, creative dates, surprises, compliments, honesty and effort, and she will be one happy girl.

She wants a man without baggage: Let’s face it, we all have baggage but learn how to leave the past where it belongs — in the past. There’s truly nothing worse than his ex-girlfriend calling 33 times during dinner. Clearly, that door is still open, so close up the past before compromising something new with toxic drama. 

She wants a man with a plan: They need to know you have a plan. This isn’t just about money, but more about you realizing your potential. It’s attractive if a man is ambitious and follows his dreams and desires.Generally as a result of fear and confusion, too many people play games in the beginnings of relationships. But, the games make it impossible to create worthy connections.

Did I leave any out? Do you agree or disagree with this list? Feel free to discuss by leaving your comments here. 

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