State of the Relationship Address: Settling

"This is not the life I thought would be mine". I know that few people get to live the life they claim to want, but no one could have convinced me twenty, ten, even five years ago that at almost 49, I’d be where I am. Don’t get me wrong, my life as it is ain’t bad. I make a living doing stuff I love, my home is cozy, my health is okay, my friends are amazing, and my sex life...well, everything can’t be good ALL the time.

In some ways I’m the consummate bachelor I never wanted to be. I have guy friends my age who have kids graduating from college and high school, who are thinking about retirement, who prefer watching football to having sex, who haven’t seen their penises in years, who regard my unencumbered socialite life with a dash of envy (just a dash). But I’d be lying if I said I’m not forcing myself to come to terms with the unpleasant reality that I might not have a relationship of my own. So why am I still single? It's because I refuse to settle.

No one is perfect, and perfection is not what I’m looking for, but I know what it is to feel that connection with a woman and get butterflies in my stomach every time I think of her. I know what it is like to spend endless hours talking, laughing, learning and sharing. I know what it is like to make love all night to your best friend, and while it’s impossible to avoid chores, bills and other necessary items of daily life, I just don’t see the point in getting into an ordinary routine with someone who isn’t extraordinary.

This is a difficult choice to make, and it becomes more difficult every day. I see people all around me settling for less for a variety of reasons, and they're all valid: companionship, child-rearing, sexual longing, and even managing finances. These are all needs that can be fulfilled with someone you’re not madly in love with, so why not accept a little less than what I really want in order to attend to these other legitimate and pressing desires? I’ve been married before, so I know how much compromise, sacrifice and work is involved in maintaining a household. Getting married means giving up a lot, including the right to act on the never-ending desire to chase women. My single life is varied and interesting, and I’m reticent to give it up for anything less than someone who makes me feel it’s all worthwhile, because the second you settle for less than you deserve, then you deserve whatever it is that you've settled for.

I know many unhappy couples. I hear the complaints: the boredom, the petty arguments, the vague dissatisfaction, the lousy sex, the abuse. I also know many happy couples; real friends who love spending time with each other, whose passion for each other does not diminish over time under the weight of adult responsibilities. The difference is, happy couples are the ones who didn’t settle. They married because they fell and stayed madly in love. The choice to stick together and make it work is a conscious one, and one you can't make with just anyone. No matter how much you love (or barely tolerate) someone, there are going to be challenges you will have to face together. If you are going to go through all of the problems that marriage brings in one way or another, why go through it with someone you don’t absolutely adore? Why not go through all of that with someone you’re crazy about?

The decision not to settle means I spend an inordinate amount of time alone. It means I have no one to help me with bills, no one to tell how my day went, to do laundry for me if I’m tired or to do if she's tired, no movie buddy, no holding me close at night, and no healthy evolving sexual relationship. It also means I have no one person I can share all of the good in my life with. And as each year passes and I grow smarter and more emotionally and financially stable, I drastically reduce the statistical possibility of finding a partner who meets my qualifications. It also means I don't have to put up with anyone’s bullshit but my own. Sure being single sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day, I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone who’s not right for me; I’ve done that before and I know I’m risking living alone, but life is a risk, and it’s only the people who are willing to take real chances who get the real rewards.

I want to make the most money I can make, do the best job I can do, spend time with the best people I can find, and live in the best home I can afford. Why would I treat my love life with any less respect than the rest of my life? I love a challenge, and it is far more challenging (and more satisfying) to try to seduce one woman night after night than a different woman every night. I don’t want just a relationship; I want a great relationship, and great relationships are a lot like baking: you need the right mix of ingredients, heat, and time. If I don’t try to get the best for me, then who will?

It might sound like I want a fairy tale, but I’m just not ready to give up on what I want out of life and love. I’m still looking for the upside: I still want to believe I will love again. Does anyone really want to wake up every morning, roll over, look deeply into their partner’s eyes and say “honey, I’m so glad I settled for you?” Does any woman ever want to be thought of as “the one he settled for” rather than “the one he waited for?”

"This is not the life I thought would be mine", but the life I want is still out there hoping that I don’t settle, hoping that I don’t give up on it. I refuse to settle, and as hard as it is, I’m willing to wait for the things I want and feel I deserve out of life. On the other hand, I sure wouldn’t complain at all if life decided to hurry the hell up either...

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The Beauty in Being Broken: Lesson #400

"Kintsukuroi" is the art of repairing broken pottery with a lacquer resin. Its earliest origins can be traced back to 15th century China when an officer in the military sent back a tea bowl for repairs. It was returned to him, patched up and completely usable. The Japanese quickly caught hold of the idea, and improved on it by adding the powdered gold to the lacquer. These mended pots were so beautiful that people began intentionally breaking valuable ceramics just so they could be mended this way. Not only did the golden veins in the repaired pottery add beauty, the broken pots were more valuable than they were when they were in their original, unblemished state.

Your Cracks Are The Source Of Your Beauty! Hello?!? Do you see where this blog is going today? You are exactly like these pots. You gain value as you weather the hardships of life. Every time you chip, break, and shatter, it is direct proof of your value. It is through your trials, your imperfections and your flaws that you gain your most valuable virtues. These “imperfections” are the evidence of your courage, tenacity, patience, love and strength. They are proof of the lessons you’ve learned and the growth you’ve experienced. With each struggle, crack, and repair, you add to your beauty.

So often we see these “cracks” as a reason for us to be unlovable, unwanted and unworthy, but yet their very existence is the polar opposite. Your cracks are what make you SO different from every human on the planet. Learn to love your cracks, for they are the very source of your soul’s beauty.

It’s a short lesson, but I hope you get it…

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The Ex Files: Should You Get Back Together?

Should exes ever get back together? The vast majority of them shouldn’t, but the rule of “what broke you up the first time will break you up again” is far from being the truth. While the black and white rule of “getting back with your ex is never a good idea” is a sexy concept, it’s simply not true in real life. Here are five reasons why you shouldn’t – and five reasons why you should – get back with your ex.

Five Reasons You Shouldn’t Get Back With Your Ex

1. They were the best thing in your life - Were they the best thing in your life? Maybe they were, but that’s generally more of a sign that you want to improve the things in your life. While a romantic partner can be your favorite person in the world, they shouldn’t be your favorite anything.

2. Trying to find someone new isn’t going well - Dating can suck, and the few flings that followed your ex might all seem like laughably poor options compared to your past relationship, but that still doesn’t mean much. Just like the process of finding a new job after quitting or being fired from your last job isn’t fun, those are necessary growing pains in order for you to find something you’re excited about again. Besides, if you feel like going back to your ex because it seems like an easy option, remember that nobody wants to be the person you settled for. It’s better to be temporarily alone and hurting in order to find your ideal partner later on, than it is to keep yourself stuck in the same old relationship that has no potential.

3. You want to prove that you can - Maybe they broke your heart, and your self-esteem took a huge hit. If you find yourself wanting to get back with them just to see if you are able to, this a recipe for disaster. Do you want to see if you are still worthy of them and their attention? Do you find yourself telling your friends that you think you can still “win” their heart? When someone wants to walk out of your life, have enough self-respect to hold the door open for them. Stop giving them real estate in your thoughts and cut them from your life.

4. When your gut knows you shouldn’t - When your gut, your heart, your intuition is screaming at you “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” You can’t logic your way into a relationship. You have to feel genuinely compelled, not cornered into it. Don’t ever date someone because your friends think they they’re good for you, or they’re wealthy, or everyone you know thinks that they’re absolutely gorgeous. The only thing that matters is how you and your heart responds to them. Everything else is just noise.

5. They were awful to you, or awful for you - Were they awful to you? Were they emotionally, verbally or physically abusive? Did they belittle you and make you think you were unlovable to anyone but them? Were they awful for you? Did they encourage the sides of yourself that you didn’t like? Did you find yourself engaging in self-destructive behavior like drinking, drugs or partying more often than you would have liked? Did they discourage the sides of yourself that you wanted to flourish? If you didn’t like the version of yourself that you were when you were around them, you need to steer clear. The relationship has run its course and you deserve better than what you experienced.

So you’ve read through all five points on why you shouldn’t get back with your ex, and you genuinely feel like none of them apply to you? See if you can confirm your beliefs about your compatibility and make note of whether or not the following five steps resonate with you.

Five Reasons You Should Get Back With Your Ex

1. When you learn from your time apart - If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten. If you enter into a repeat relationship with your ex and there’s no difference in the behavior of either of you, then you’re doomed. On the other hand, if you both genuinely learned about your communication styles, triggers and emotional patterns in your time apart, then you might be much better set up for a healthier round two.

2. When you are both willing to put in the work to do things differently - Did you always fight fair when you dated your ex? Did you voice your needs when they came up or did you bury them? Whatever the old pattern or behavior that you’re trying to correct, it takes intentionality from both sides to make a relationship run smoothly. Are you “kind of hoping” that things will work out better this time around, or are you being purposeful about how you show up in your relationship?

3. Your life wasn’t going well and they were the easiest thing to push away - If your life wasn’t going well, and they were just an easy thing to push away, you may have made a rash decision. If you realized this mistake after it happened and you communicated to your ex what you did, then you may have a shot at a second chance with them. Trust builds slowly, but it can also be damaged quickly. Don’t expect your ex to welcome you instantly with open arms. It will take some time for them to fully trust you again, but if you know that they’re the one for you then it will be worth it to sacrifice your ego for the greater good.

4. Your collective life goals have grown even more similar in your time apart - Did you break up because you were incompatible in things important to you? You wanted children and they didn’t? You wanted to live in the city and they wanted to live in the suburbs? Well, what happens if those things change with time? If you and your ex broke up years ago, it’s completely possible that both of your long-term goals and ambitions have shifted. If you got along well, you were deeply in love, and your once incompatible differences are now aligned, then by all means, give the relationship another shot.

5. You feared the depth of your connection and you ran away - Maybe when you and your ex were dating you felt such an overwhelming feeling of love for them that it was too much for you to take in. This kind of behavior is especially common for people with commitment issues, rejection sensitivity, or old abandonment wounds that were never fully healed. A deep feeling of love can cause anyone a real feeling of anxiety, regardless of past emotional trauma or relationship hang-ups. If you pushed your partner away from a place of fear or anxiety, you may still be just as compatible as a couple as you ever were. As with point #3, you’ll have to communicate to them what you realized you did, and see if you can earn their trust back over time.

Have you ever known a couple (or been a part of a couple) that broke up and got back together repeatedly for months, or even years? Generally this is a sign that the couple can’t accept their fate. They are grasping for straws and holding on to a projection of what they had hoped the relationship could be, but in reality never was. I interviewed quite a few highly successful long-term marriages, and every single one of them said that their relationship trajectory was “easy”. It wasn’t tumultuous and filled with half a dozen breakups. Their path to marriage was fairly straightforward and simple. Does this mean that a couple can’t bounce back from a breakup? No, you absolutely can have a successful relationship after a rocky start, but it takes two self-aware and intentional people to make it work. So be honest about why you’re getting back together. See the relationship for what it is, not for what it could be...

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Become The Love Of Your Own Life

Here’s my confession for today. I’ve had chronically low self-esteem off and on most of my life. I haven’t thought much of myself, but I’m a perfectionist and I’ve been insanely hard on myself for as long as I can remember. When I was a youngster, I was extremely reluctant to accept praise from anyone. My parents for example, would compliment me on a job well done and I would push back saying that it wasn’t any good. If I didn’t place first in a sports competition, I would beat myself up about it for weeks in my mind, even if it was a team sport and not something that would fall squarely on my shoulders.

Eight months ago, a few of my friends and almost all of my family were astounded that I wrote 300 blogs within a three calendar year period. The only thought on repeat in my mind at the time was “you could have done a lot better”. Basically, I’ve always been a jerk to myself in my head. I say things to myself that I would never dream of saying to another person. At the beginning of this year I decided that enough was enough. I set the intention this year to purposely fall in love with myself through whatever means necessary. I would limit my negative self-talk, become more self-compassionate, and begin to see my positive qualities seen by others in my life. Here is what I’ve learned throughout the past year in my attempts to boost my on purpose self-love.

1. You Will Meet Resistance From Yourself - Whenever we decide to make a change for ourselves that will stretch our comfort zones, our ego throws a fit in the hopes that we’ll continue to play small. I started to call my negative inner voice “Gollum” because it was a vocal, belittling demon that wanted me to suffer. Thoughts like “You want to fall in love with yourself? How pathetic”, and “How do you fall in love with someone who is fundamentally un-loveable? This should be fun to watch”. These are a few of the thoughts that circled around in my mind when I first set the goal. It was primarily within the first couple of months that my inner demons were the most vocal about pushing me to play it safe and not make a change. But I breathed through every one of my internal resistances and kept marching forward.

2. You Will Meet Resistance From Others - When I told a small handful of close friends about my goal for the year I was met with many versions of “That sounds kind of extreme. You don’t want to get a big head, but I’ll be here to keep you grounded”. The idea that someone with such low self-esteem could get big headed was truly laughable to me at that point in time. That’s like a poor person not going to work for fear of becoming too rich, or the scrawny teenager (aka me from 14-19) avoiding going to the gym for fear of getting too ripped. For me, any improvement in my love for myself would have been momentous. While I appreciated the concern from my friends that was grounded in love for me, I had no fear of falling overly in love with myself.

3. Self-Care Is The Foundation, Self-Love Is The Skyscraper - Through my journey of falling in love with myself, I realized that you need both self-care and self-love to not just get by, but to truly thrive. I define self-care as the daily practices of eating nutritious food, getting proper sleep, socializing with people who inspire and encourage me, and exercising semi-regularly. So if self-care is the foundation upon which you build the building, self-love is the 40-floor tower that you build on top of the stable foundation. Self-love will look different for every unique person, but for me self-love ultimately came down to proactively living a life aligned with my passions, values, and highest ideals while setting hard boundaries with people who drained my energy and regularly spoiling myself past what I was used to. Some weeks my self-love would look like taking myself to see a movie. Other times it would mean staying in and writing a self-indulgent article on something that was more therapeutic for me than it may have been for my audience. Whatever it takes to fall in love with yourself, do it. Regularly put it in your calendar and make it non-negotiable.

4. Consistency Is Key - I quickly realized that falling in love with myself wasn’t going to be a short burst of energy during my sprint like activity. It would take time, effort, patience and consistency. While I could certainly get a quick brain high from a thorough day of self-love practice, it was the ongoing small actions that eventually convinced my mind and my heart that I was worth something.

5. There Will Be Setbacks - One of the first quotes I see on a post-it every morning in my bathroom is “Don’t let a set back set the tone”. Nowhere have I experienced this more profoundly than in the cultivation of my internal self-love. Just like an addict is likely to relapse after an unexpected trigger, so too was I likely to relapse into a full blown self-hate fest whenever something tried to trip me up. Whether it was a poorly received article, or someone questioning or attacking my life choices, my heart at the time was too fragile to hear criticism. Over time, my resilience to the slings and arrows of life became higher. The negative comments didn’t affect me as much, and I wasn’t as reliant on external validation because I was starting to like myself. I started to believe that if I was over-flowing with self-love, then I no longer needed to rely solely on the approval of others.

Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It - Whether its self-care, self-love, daily mantras, prayer and meditation, or any other tool that you use on your journey, find something that works for you, stick to it and you too can learn to love yourself over time. The journey that I embarked on during the past year has been one of the most challenging and rewarding things that I have ever done for myself, and I’m so glad that I did it...

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Guest Blogger Search for Relationship Lessons

Love is surely THE most written about thing ever and yet, there is somehow always more to say, and every time, an original way to say it. Every love story is different, not just because the characters are different, but because each person’s feelings are different, and each person experiences love differently. If there are 50 shades of grey, then there are 50 million shades of love, each one as vibrant as the next.

You may think your love story is ordinary. It is not ordinary because YOU are not ordinary. The circumstances may be familiar to all of us and how the story ends may be entirely predictable, but what makes your love story so compelling is not the stage set or the final act, but the motivation driving the drama. And this is what I'm looking to share in Relationship Lessons.

Your story can be about why you love your partner, your friends, family members, colleagues, even strangers. A partner will sometimes ask, “why do you love me?” and finding the right words to respond with can be challenging, but asking yourself why you love someone is a little different. It’s a journey towards the truth rather than a justification for your feelings. You only need to open your heart and share your love to the world (no pressure).

Entries should be short first-person stories of approximately 500 words. Please send your submissions via email to myrelationshiplessons@gmail.com or submit it in the contact link on relationshiplessons.net. I'm looking forward to reading what you have to say...

When You Love Someone Who Doesn't Know How To Love

Some of us know them better than others, while some of us claim that title ourselves. They’re the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getters with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance. Some might see them as cold and distant because they need a significant amount of alone time to keep from feeling scattered and spread so thin that they disappear. Sure they have family and friends who they love to spend much of their time, but it’s in their nature to crave those precious hours of solitude in being only with their thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene. Some call it antisocial, but they call it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, they’ve never been the type to “fall in love”. In fact, if they have ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things they’ve ever experienced, and they’re not usually one to be deterred. Perhaps they’re too focused on their goals to realize that love could be knocking on their door, or they’re so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes them uneasy. There’s also a chance that despite their outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, they’re extremely insecure. Or maybe they are simply afraid of opening themselves up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this person probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give. It doesn’t mean they’re a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with them will require an approach that’s more sensitive to their guarded heart. In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning what to do when you love a person who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient - Don’t expect them to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken them a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending their time with you. If they do appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that they’re actually terrified of what you’ll think of them if they ask to slow things down. So, they just muster the strength to submit themselves to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about their dishonesty and inability to step on the brakes. This will freak them out enough to make them sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately, which is something they’re not afraid to do. To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal”. Remember, they’re not used to this, and too much at once will surely send them over the edge. Showing sensitivity to their pace will let them know that they don’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk - Because they spend so much of their time alone and in their head, this person might be under the impression that their thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. They rarely share the things on their mind, as they fear that whatever is in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think its over-dramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. They value deep conversation but feel that they can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all. So talk with them, let them know that they can say what’s on their mind, and don’t be afraid of their ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory they’ve been hung up on for weeks. If they apologize for rambling about it, tell them they don’t need to be sorry, they don’t need to suppress it. Make them feel that although they are certainly unique for having such thoughts, they aren’t crazy or abnormal. Tell them it makes them all the more beautiful, and then give it right back to them. Be sure to engage in their contemplation just as much as you listen; they want to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support them - Part of this person’s struggle with letting themselves be loved could be that they are relentlessly focused on their dreams and goals, so much so that they forget to make room in their life for other things, like relationships. It’s not something they do intentionally; they’re just extremely determined to achieve whatever they have set out to do. If they are forced to make a choice between a love life and their goals, they’ve already chosen the latter, so don’t make them choose. Certainly don’t make them feel guilty for not spending more of their time with you as a result, they’ll take that as another sign that they need to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point. Instead, you should support them. If you really love this person and they really love you, then they’ll welcome the encouragement. They’ll want to support you too, and you should let them; with a heart as passionate as theirs, you’ll want them on your team.

4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole - Remember, an “independent person” is just that, an independent human with an ability to fend for themselves. They might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much they trust them. Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with them as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; they won’t treat it as such, and they definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole. Two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness. This includes honoring their need for alone time. They realize that you are a person with or without them and ask that you see them in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to them; they don’t want to rely on your presence, nor do they want you to rely on theirs.

 

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with them unless you want them to feel so bombarded that they tailspin into a mess of tears, word vomit, and utter confusion that ends with them breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again. When you are together, then BE completely together. Let them know they are loved until they begin to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, they’ll come around. If they’re loyal by nature, they’ll stick around too, so don’t give them any reason to think you won’t. Truly, this person has a lot of love to give, even if they’re a bit awkward in showing it at first. They just needs time to figure things out for themselves, and to better understand how this works. Let them figure out that deep down, they just want to love and be loved just like anyone else. If they happen to let you close enough to love them, take it seriously. It means they’re trying. It means they want to love you, but remember that helping them learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win their heart…

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The Truth About Life, Love and Almost Love

It seems when we’re not looking for a relationship, that’s when one finds us. Isn’t that how it always happens? It’s like we’re putting off some signal that reads, “I’m finally happy just being with myself,” and suddenly, someone appears who wants to be with us. New relationships are as scary as they are exciting, especially when you were perfectly happy with your single life, not really willing to settle down and do the whole “commitment” thing. You were wholly satisfied with your job and with relying on your friends for company. Yet, here is this amazing person who wants to be with you.

Maybe you’ve been hurt before and are guarded, or maybe you just don’t want to dive into something serious. You hold them off for as long as you can. This new person in your life fights to be with you, and you’ve got to admire him or her for really wanting this. It’s flattering to be pursued. It feels good. It feels good to be wanted, to be told you’re special. As much as you don’t feel you need it, you start to really want it. Perhaps it’s finally having regular sex again, or maybe it’s the fact that this person is someone you can really laugh and be yourself with. Either way, you start to find your heart weakening to him or her. You start to realize you really are having feelings for this person. So, after much resistance, you acquiesce to the label and become someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend. You know you were happy being single, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to be loved, right? We all just want to be loved when all is said and done.

You finally get comfortable. It takes awhile for you to finally feel relaxed in this new relationship. You’re a strong person who is, all at once, afraid of getting hurt. As the months pass, you let your guard down like you said you never would. Everything just feels so easy. You start to miss him or her when he or she isn’t around. You long for your partner. When you’re together, you find yourself constantly wanting to hold your partner’s hand or kiss him or her. It’s like you can’t get enough. Just like a good orgasm, once you get a taste of love, you just want more of it.

You’re happy in a different way than you’ve ever been before. You’ve officially stopped worrying about getting your heart broken because you’re in a healthy relationship for once. You fought this, but now you’re so glad your partner stuck it out. He or she couldn’t hurt you. How could someone who wanted you so badly ever do anything to ruin this?

You’re “almost in love”. You start to realize you might actually love this person. You can feel yourself falling for him or her more and more each day. You even admit to your best friend that you might seriously be falling in love. You, the perpetually single friend, the person always so obsessed with your freedom has, in fact, gotten bitten by the love bug. You’re happily surprised you can have feelings like these after all. You’re not even frightened by how good it feels. Everything is going to work out this time. If things can go on this way, you’ll stop “almost loving” your partner and start to really, deeply love him or her. It’s that strange cusp between intense infatuation and losing your heart completely. Your love does not come easily, but once given, you are all in. For you, it is everything or nothing. This feels like everything.

And then suddenly things end. Then, as quickly as a shooting star brilliantly soars through the night sky, it’s all finished. Your partner ends it. You didn’t see it coming. Or at least you pretended you didn’t. Once you’re wrapped up in someone, once your heart is in it, it’s very hard to accept that it isn’t going to be your happily every after. One day it was, and the next day it wasn’t. It wasn’t your choice. That might be the hardest part of it. What did you do to cause this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Things just end; they don’t work out. The fiery passion you had with your partner just dissipates for him or her. He or she disappears. You’re left to burn up. You kick yourself for getting yourself into this mess. You didn’t even want this in the first place, remember? You let yourself have feelings. This person made you fall for him or her only to destroy everything like a sudden and mighty cyclone. It’s so incredibly disappointing. You don’t even know who your partner is anymore. It’s almost terrifying. Who did you give your heart to? You could have really, really loved him or her. You almost loved this person. You almost got to a place where you could have given him or her everything. You were happy and comfortable; now you’re alone.

You find self-love again. The only thing you can do is pick up the pieces of your life and rekindle that love you had with yourself long before you fell into a relationship. You have to remember you were happy with your life without this person, and you will be happy with your life again. This person doesn’t deserve you. He or she was never going to give you the kind of unconditional love you needed. Take comfort in that. It was better to know sooner than later. Your heart may be aching, but people come into our lives for a reason. They teach us what they need to teach us. Sometimes, they weren’t meant to be in our lives forever. It’s a hard to truth to accept, but we have to in order to survive. Just be happy that you CAN love someone. Now that you’ve opened your heart to someone, maybe next time it can be something more than “almost love”...

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Stop Dating The Same Type of People Again, and Again (Guest Blogger)

Guest Blogger time! I haven't done this in a while, but something came across my mailbox and I had to share it with you. If you have a story about discovering your relationship truth, and the lessons you've learned from it, please send me an email to myrelationshiplessons@gmail.com. Today's story comes from Deborah Chelette-Wilson, so give it a read and take some mental notes.

I grew up desperately seeking love, kindness and guidance from parents who were unable to meet my emotional needs. It is not pleasant to admit that, but it is true. It is also true that I transferred that desperate neediness as a young adult into relationships with men who couldn't meet my emotional needs either. I've often said, "Men have been a big disappointment to me." That is true too. After not being able to endure the pain of those disappointing experiences, I began to wake up to the common denominator in those relationships — me. What was it about me that kept me thinking I was getting the pizza I ordered only to keep having the wrong one delivered? I dug deep into the depths of my heart and soul, and found a treasure buried there. I've learned many things I hope will be helpful to others in these difficulties and I'd like to share some of my findings with you.

You are not responsible for other people's behaviors; you are only responsible for your own. As children, we think we are the center of the universe and that our actions affect how everyone else feels. It doesn't help when adults tell children that they make them feel a certain way. For instance, one of my mother's famous sayings was, "You kids are going to make me go crazy." I have yet to counsel a child or adult who does not blame him or her self for the behavior of the people who hurt them. The double whammy of this is that you are trying to solve a puzzle you can't (the other person) and not solving the one you can (yourself).

Change happens when we reconnect with our hearts and our inner intuition. It's obvious to see how my confusion at that young time in my life guided my decisions. As I look back on that, I feel sad for the seventeen-year-old girl I was. My relationship with my family was so fractured, but I still sought it out with a different person.
 

We can't walk a mile in someone else's shoes, but we don't have to judge their path. When we understand our own journey, we realize judging the journey of another is foolish. As I accept myself, I feel angry yet understanding for how we continue to treat others. I just know that it isn't sustainable. Women stay in abusive relationships for complex reasons, but as a culture we continue to judge them, condemn them, and find reasons to not help them. Woman judge themselves harshly too. I know how much I was judging myself from those same beliefs. It was not helpful. We are better than this. Each woman needs to come to her own conclusions, but how much more quickly would I have come to my conclusions if I had a compassionate caring counselor, coach or friends to help me realize my value and worth as a human being? I eventually began to get there and it gave me the courage and strength to leave. But that was only the beginning of my journey.

If you have wondered "Why do I keep ending up with the same kind of people?" then I hope some of what I have shared will help you see you are not alone and there is hope. That young and insecure girl is still a part of me, but I have outgrown her beliefs and have created more powerful and sustainable ones. I appreciate her experiences because I have gained so much from them, and have used them to help others. Instead of feeling angry with her, I can now embrace that part of my humanity and reconnect to my heart and soul. And so can you.

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Time To Wake Up And Smell The Coffee

I’ve been speaking to a lot of people lately who recently left long-term relationships because their significant others weren’t giving them what they needed, mentally or emotionally. They weren’t putting in effort, listening or paying attention; they were basically just coasting along because they already “got” you, and for some reason they didn’t understand they needed the same effort in order to "keep" you. Perhaps you can relate to the feeling of being anchored down by someone who isn’t willing to put the same effort into a relationship or themselves as you are. This is the “ball and chain” feeling of pulling someone along who either flat out refuses to learn and grow, or simply doesn’t have any interest in it when you do. 

If you’ve felt this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you committed your time, energy and effort to someone who wouldn’t give you the same in return. I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way that being in the wrong relationship will make you feel more alone than being single ever could. I’m sorry you gave that person a piece of your life that you can never get back. I'm here to ask that you don’t get too down on yourself, because in reality you did get something in return; you got perspective. You gained a greater ability to recognize the qualities you do and don’t want in a future teammate. You gained the ability to draw your line in the sand and say, “I will no longer accept this in my life.” Only the person who didn’t give you what you needed can provide you with that ability. It’s more a silver lining than it is a dark cloud.

Of course nobody is perfect and we can’t expect anyone to know our wants and needs without us communicating with them, but that’s what relationships are about: communication. It's the ability not only to speak, but to listen, absorb, and most of all, to act on what we have learned. Even worse than passive apathy is someone who actually makes you feel badly about yourself. Someone who is insecure in themselves will try to break you down too, so you don’t have the courage to leave them. They will consistently discourage you or point out faults or flaws. This is unacceptable and you need to get away from this person because they will not change. I understand some of you feel the need to try to “fix” this person and work harder to gain their approval so they finally love you for who you are and stop making you feel bad about yourself, but here is the harsh reality: they will not stop. They will not stop because these issues have nothing to do with you.

It doesn’t matter how much you change or improve to please them because you are not the problem. They are projecting their own insecurities onto you so they don’t need to face it in themselves. They go beyond not appreciating you into actually trying to lower your self-esteem. The moment you feel that you need to prove yourself is the moment you need to walk away. If you are not being appreciated in your relationship, the first step is to ask yourself if you have been honest and open about what you want and need. Some people simply do not have the emotional intelligence to pick up on your non-verbal cues and they need a little more help. Do not condemn them at first; give them a chance to work on their shortcomings. If the same problems persist, time after time, promise after promise, and apology after apology, don’t ignore this massive red flag waving in your face. This person is the same one you will find behind their desk, working just hard enough not to get fired. When the hammer is about to drop, they try a little harder to stick around, but those are not the times that you can judge them by. It’s everyday life and what they do when they don’t need to that counts.

You deserve better than the emotional slacker; You deserve better than the person who doesn’t have any interest to connect with you on a deeper level; You deserve better than the person who sent their representative on your first few weeks or months worth of dates until you committed to them, and then showed you their true colors, making you feel trapped. Your self-worth is not determined by how much someone else does or doesn’t appreciate you. That’s why it’s called self worth, and you need to stay true to it. You need to set your bar at a certain level and not accept anyone into your life who won’t rise up to meet it. Stay strong, stay positive, and most of all, stay true to yourself. Someone will come along and appreciate you for you when you know your worth...

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You Get Wiser When You Get Older

I usually have a standing breakfast engagement with a group of women on Sunday mornings. During one particular meeting I asked the room full of women to take out a sheet of paper and fold it in half. On one side of the paper I asked them to write down the reason(s) why you stopped talking to, stopped dating, or even stopped being married to any man they’ve ever been with. On the other side of the paper, I asked them to write down the things that really matter to them now, based on what happened to them back then. Surprisingly, they all noticed how drastically shorter the list was on one side. I told them as time goes on, sometimes we realize that the things we were really upset with, weren’t all that serious to begin with. Not in all cases, but in some.

I recently had a conversation with my mother, and I don’t typically talk a lot about marriage with her but that day was an exception. When we spoke, I told her that a lot of the reasons why things don’t work out when you’re younger is because of immaturity. However, at my age when I’m doing something wrong, I know. I am fully aware when I’m being a bastard, insensitive, or any other generally messed up thing that people in relationships do. I also told her that the older I get, the more I realize that marriages are about wanting to be married more than being in love. Love fluctuates throughout your marriage; some days are better than others. Going back to the opening of this post, the real reason why you broke up with most of those people was because you just didn’t want to be in the relationship. Relationships, on their own ability, are strong enough to withstand anything. 

On your sheet of paper you might have listed infidelity, but now you realize that he is a good guy and always made you somewhat happy. I asked the group of women the following question: If he had promised not to cheat again and didn’t cheat again, could you be happy right now? I always urge couples when they’re going through a breakup, to think about what this situation will look like in 10 years. Will you really be as upset about it as you are right now? The answer is almost always no. When you remove the temporary anguish and embarrassment, most times you could have probably stayed together.

Here's a reminder and public service about relationships, which might not have anything to do with today's blog: Stop telling everybody your damn business! Situations that arise in your relationship would be much easier to work through if your friends didn’t know all the details of it...

Okay, back to our story. On your sheet of paper might have been a list of silly reasons. I was picky when I was young. Now, I want two things: confidence and consistency. I once broke up with a woman because I felt like she talked too much. I would later realize that in reality she could talk as much as she wanted if she held me down. And last I recently told a younger friend of mine when he tried to explain to me why he was having second thoughts about getting engaged to his girlfriend; “Listen, you’ll take crazy over insecure any day of the week, believe me on that”.

I guess the point is, as you get older you don’t lower your standards; you get wiser. You’re more selective, but you’re willing to try more. You start to focus on what really is a deal breaker. What could you simply not live with? What could you simply not live without? You’ll look at that sheet of paper and there will be a moment of clarity for each one of those guys who you think did you wrong. Maybe you'll realize in some of those times, you did you wrong...

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Living on Relationship's Version of Fantasy Island

Love is a real tricky emotion to talk about because every man has his own definition of it. Maybe it's a warm feeling inside the heart, an intuitive tug of the soul, or a two-by-four upside the head by this man or woman you’ve been dating. He or she is trying to say something to you, something like “I love you.” Paul the Apostle wrote “Love is patient, love is kind” in his first letter to the Corinthian church. “Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage,” Lau-Tzu wrote. And then there’s this quote from Marilyn Monroe: “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything”. Don’t we feel all lovey-dovey now?

Hold it, just hold it a minute! As an almost 50 year old, is true love fleeting? I guess it depends on what each man’s experience has been with love. Some men have been married many years to the same person, and are quite happy. Others have had a couple of marriages and learned life lessons. Then, there are those who never have been married and might be afraid of commitment. Hey, I said might. Love: Real World or Fantasy World, you decide.

Back in the 1970s, one of television's highest-ranking shows was “Fantasy Island.” Actor Ricardo Montalban starred as Mr. Roarke, “your host” who led a few weekly guest stars toward finding romance. Of course, Herve’ Villechaize played Tattoo, Mr. Roarke’s assistant. You can see him in the opening credits go to a bell tower and exclaim “The plane! The plane!” as an island-hopping airplane brought many guest stars for a getaway to have their dreams fulfilled. Sound hokey? Does the sun set in the West? Of course it does!

Yet do we as men want to “get real” with a woman, or choose to live a life filled with fantasies? Considering that adult entertainment is a billion-dollar business, then that might be true. Yes, there are those who really don’t find anything wrong with porn and I’m not going to stand on a moral high ground here. That is for someone else to do. What I am pointing out is selecting and embracing love isn’t as clean cut as it might be for others. I’m guessing that I am an anomaly among many almost 50 year old men in that I have been married, has a kid, and just a few intimate relationships. Am I scared of reality and choosing fantasy instead? Many times, admittedly, that has been the case. More than ever, I am choosing to put my feet in the fire and really want a woman whom I can share a lot with in my life.

Why write about love? Because it is one trait that everyone, no matter who they are, really desires in their lives. The person in the peanut gallery just yelled, “Not me, dude, I don’t need love in my life.” Yeah, yeah, would you like some Junior Mints, sir? A man does want to give and receive love. I understand that too many hurts and wounds around love and being loved can definitely quench that desire. If that’s the case for you, then I would hope that you get around some people that can help overcome those emotional blocks. That is your choice, though. No one is forcing any man to romantically another person.

From my limited relationship experience, I can say that the feeling of love early on is so beautiful. The sex wasn’t that bad either. Hey, do you want me to get real here or just BS through this piece? I thought not. It is not really pleasant to go for long periods of time without connecting with other people. I mean from a soul sense. There have been weeks and months over the past year or so where I have gone without a hug. A romantic kiss? Let’s not even go there. Please, keep the pity for me to yourself. I'm not asking for any of that at all, it’s just been my reality.

Loving another person does not have to be romantic. That type of platonic love is quite rich and beautiful. I’ve experienced that a lot over the past few years and it is so healthy, wonderful and transparent. My want is that every man gets a chance to feel that deep inside his heart. I am definitely not Dr. Phil McGraw or Dr. Drew Pinsky. Sorry folks, my professional qualifications don’t match theirs at all. Yet I do know that love is a subject all men consider in their lives. Love is a beautiful emotion indeed. It’s more than a holiday card too. How many love songs have been written? Too many to list here, and everyone has their own favorites. So in the romantic spirit that this has been written, I will leave you with a great Hoagy Carmichael-composed classic.

Hopefully, love will come bounding in your life sometime and absolutely bring such joy and happiness to you that it’ll permanently leave you smiling.

How about maybe smiling for a few days? No? Eh, I’ll let you figure it out. 

Call Dr. Phil or Dr. Drew if you need some help. My phone is disconnected…

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The Choice Of Not Choosing

As most of you should know by now, I seem to have NO problem with falling on my own relationship sword, if it means someone will learn the lessons from it and change their perspective. So in an attempt to unburden myself with another confession, here we go. I admit that I spent years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her. I did want to be with her, I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

As it unfortunately happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well, quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better. As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Everyday that passed, I admit that I chose her a little less. I stayed with her, but I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered as a result.

Choosing her would have meant focusing everyday on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so much more. Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace or even see what was so wildly wonderful about her. I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship, which still made me choose her even less. Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over the years.

She fought hard to make me choose her, and when you think about it, that was a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. To be fair, I can't say that she didn’t fully choose me either until it was evident that I no longer chose her. I realize now however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her everyday, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her. Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her everyday, and by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home, but failed to water. I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our relationship. Now that I've learned from my failings, I’ll never not choose another woman that I love again, simply because it’s torture for everyone. If you’re in relationship, or even contemplating being in one, I invite and challenge you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?” If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do”. If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. I understand that we all have disconnected days sometimes. But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is filled with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day. Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen everyday, and you do too. 

Choose wisely…

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The Moment When You Know You're "Worth It"

There’s a funny irony when you’re a writer who enjoys writing about relationships and dating. How could someone with all these wide perspectives still be single? I’ve always thought that if you’re in the business of sharing perspective then it’s all good. Like Charles Barkley says, “There are no experts, only God is an expert.” It’s a question I’ve gotten many times over during the four years I have been writing. At least I haven’t been single all four of these years. For the last couple of years though, that’s been my middle name: Delvin "Single" Randle! It’s fun, and it’s pretty stress free, but it also happens to be a side effect of knowing what you want and being patient enough for the right situations to come your way.

During the time that you are single, you begin to think if there are any things that you need to change about yourself. During the time that I've been single, I have dated very few and have been involved with even fewer. I've had a couple real prospects in the process. Sometimes the chemistry just fell off, while other times people have stopped contact with no explanation for it. The list can go on, but the bottom line is that sometimes things sincerely do not work out. It could be bad luck, I happen to just think that’s it’s a part of the process. We all take different routes to get to the end goal. It’s just like how we approach life in other ways. There are certain circumstances and we all have to figure out to find what we desire. With that said, I started thinking that there may be some things hindering my quest of finding Mrs. Right. I actually think some of my reasons may coincide with a lot of you all.

Work - I’m realizing over the last few months that my job is becoming increasingly difficult. My 9am to 5pm mentally drains me almost on a daily basis. My 5pm to 9am mentality isn't too great either. I'm trying to take over the world and the plans in my head along with the execution has me a little more than frazzled sometimes. I’m admittedly frustrated with where I am and I'm looking to leave. That fatigue I’m experiencing affects so much around me. This could also lead to my next point.

Putting Myself Out There - I’m 48 years old and I don’t fear commitment not one bit. I do however absolutely fear with everything within me wasting my time with the wrong people. I have a clear idea of the kind of woman I think I can be committed to, and I’m confident that I’ll know who she is once I vibe with her. Unfortunately, my struggle comes with putting myself in places where that can happen. As I just mentioned, I’m more exhausted daily than I have ever been. My weekends are now reserved for furthering the passions of others as well as my own. This includes getting me my upcoming radio show off of the ground, along other endeavors that has taken up my time after work. Even if those tasks didn’t exist, sometimes my body just wants to rest. I recognize this, and I also realize what comes with that. I think a great thing for me to do would be to hit more after work happy hours. I’m just so dog tired after 8pm, that it seems impossible to do with vigor. This might sound like a couple of excuses, but it depends on who thinks so. What I can say is that these are some areas where I fall short. I’m open to making a concerted effort to change these things. If time is lacking, maybe I need to make time. These could be reasons as to why I haven’t found that right one as yet.

I wrote this today to ask you all if you have ever asked yourself if you fall short somewhere? We write (or talk) so much about our ideals and what we’re seeking, when it could be something within ourselves that we need to tweak. I’m not talking about tweaking for the sake of conformity, I’m talking about tweaking because you feel there are some genuine changes to be made. I’m going to try my darnedest to switch a couple of things up. We’ll see how the shots fall, but I do think it’s important to be introspective at times and do some self diagnostics. These were just two of the ways in which I think I may be hindering myself. There might be even more. Have you guys ever been in this situation? Do you all take the time to see if it really is you and not them? You better start making some changes if you're in this like I feel I am...

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