Crazy Chick Confessional (Guest Blogger)

I received a submission from today's guest blogger, and I said to myself that once it gets edited, I would move it to the front of the line and let you hear her story. She requested that her name and picture be witheld, so I will honor her request, but please read her story and ask yourself if you could ever see yourself in her place... 

I went through an epic breakup last year. I mean like a catastrophic breakup. I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years, and thought I’d found my husband. We discussed engagement and relocation, but he was lying and cheating on me the entire time. I estimate he told me 1-3 lies every day. I don’t believe in victims; I’m not one. I was complicit in the deception, ignored my gut, blindly trusted, and developed this bizarre habit of asking him questions while making excuses. For example:

• ME: Why didn’t you call me for the last three days? Was your phone dead, your charger broken and your landline attacked by pygmies?
• HIM: Uh…yeah. That’s exactly what happened.

So, I was essentially lying to myself. When my suspicions mounted and the evidence became unavoidable, the “crazy chick” emerged. She crept in slowly at first, squelched by my better judgment. She’d eye his cell phone on the table. "The answers are in there", she’d whisper. I’d silence her, and even when her whispers became shouts and nightmares, I refused to look through his stuff. Until…I eventually went through his stuff. 

I found penis pictures, emails to random women about vacation plans, and other things that are too messed up to mention. This dude had skeletons and demons all rolled into one. It was scary, but what scared me the most was my willingness to anchor my life to a dude I clearly didn’t know. For the first time in my life, I felt I couldn’t trust myself. This is uncomfortable to admit in public. This story doesn’t make me look good. I fell for the wrong guy, stayed in a relationship well beyond the expiration date, and instead of trusting my gut, I went thru a man’s personal belongings. My mother always told me "if you have the urge to snoop, you already know the answer". She was right, but sometimes you have to do "hood rat" things. 

Needless to say, we ended our relationship and I’ve recovered with no visible scars. For the most part, you wouldn’t even know that this crazy thing happened to me. Except, that the “crazy chick” lingers. I’m at the beginning of a new relationship, and the “crazy chick” whispers more often than I’d like. I find I am fearful that new boo will end up like the old one, that he’s always lying to me, and that he doesn’t really love me. Intuitively I understand that I have to make peace with the “crazy chick” inside. She represents both the strongest and most broken parts of me, and I’ll be honest, I kind of love her. The “crazy chick” has gotten me out of horrible situations and held me together (with gum and shoelaces). In times of conflict she gets things done. Her tactics are explosive and her weapons cause mass destruction, but if she didn’t exist, I’d still be in denial somewhere in the mid-west just miserable and engaged. The “crazy chick” saved my life.

It is a daily struggle not to go thru new boo’s belongings, and to trust that he is who he says he is. It’s a struggle to determine which part of my gut to trust: the part that thinks everyone is lying, or the part that believes in love? If we have any future, I have to make peace with my personal history, and I should probably understand that all men aren’t the same. Still, the “crazy chick” lives in the bunker of my mind, with a helmet, some fatigues and a semi-automatic weapon. I’m working out a way to tell her the war is over, and that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay.

Ladies, what about you?  Do you have a “crazy chick” that you must make peace with? If you have already done so, give everyone some lessons by commenting below. Gentlemen, is it possible to aid in healing a woman’s “inner crazy chick”? Leave your comments and let's discuss.

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Never Lose Your A-May-zing Self

When we are in a healthy relationship, it feels like the best thing in the world. Having someone there whom we can confide in and share special memories with, makes us feel like we’re on cloud nine. But how healthy is the relationship? One thing I’ve noticed with relationships is one person tends to forget about him or herself. They get so caught up in making their partner happy, that they stop doing what makes them happy. There is nothing wrong with putting your all into a relationship, but we often stop doing what made that person fall in love with us to begin with. I’ve experienced this first hand. In one of my relationships I can remember becoming so caught up in pleasing my partner, I forgot about myself. I stopped doing the things I used to do for myself before we met. I used to go out with my friends, and do anything I thought was fun. After being with that ex for a while, everything became about what she wanted. I didn’t do anything outside of work without her. One day she told me that she saw a change in me, and I didn’t pay it any attention. 

Many people face this problem in relationships, and I don’t think we notice it until we’re not in the relationship anymore, or it starts to push our partner away. Both happened to me. For one, it’s annoying to be around someone that only finds happiness in doing things with you. They start to feel as if you’re weak, and in a way you do become weak. That person now has power over you to determine if you’re going to have a good day or not. It should never be that way in a relationship. I found out the problems that come along with losing yourself in a relationship came when I was no longer in that relationship. I found myself unhappy, because I was so used to being with her, and doing what she wanted to do. I didn’t know what made me happy anymore. It also becomes harder when you are with the person for years. You have to find out what brings you joy again.

So, where do you start? Take a time out from relationships to focus on you. What we often do is jump right back into dating, which is not always a good thing. Mostly, we're doing it because we don’t want to feel lonely. That is a recipe for disaster if you don’t know how to put yourself first. You might end up in a relationship with a person that is willing to take advantage of that. If you’re still in a relationship where this is happening, talk to your partner. Discuss something that you would like to do on your own, or with your friends. Your partner should support you on this, and it will make your time together even more special. As the amazing month of May comes to an end, the most "a-may-zing" person you'll ever find or be with, is YOURSELF, so make sure you never lose track of that person...

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The Five Things I Learned From My Failed Relationships

The other day, I realized that I’ve learned some of my best relationship lessons from some of my worst relationships. Sometimes good relationships end simply because you’re not meant to be, or the timing isn’t right, or some other arbitrary factor completely out of your control triumphs. Other times you become a better partner because of the relationships that failed. Today, I want to share some of the good lessons I learned from my relationships that didn’t last.

#5 Its OK to Fight - If you follow my blog, then you know I used to never argue, but that wasn't always the case. If I felt an argument brewing, I would simply opt out, become dismissive, passive aggressive, or a combination of all three...but the one thing I wouldn’t do was argue. There are a few reasons I wouldn’t do this: 1) I don’t like to argue as it is. 2) I thought arguing meant the relationship was over. 3) Most importantly for me, I didn’t know how to argue like an adult, and that is a hard thing to admit. Have you ever gotten into a heated debate with someone and the FIRST thing they say to you is already TURNT UP? I mean, how in the world do you START an argument at a 10? That doesn’t make sense. Some people start every argument like it’ll be the last one they’ll ever have or they will apologize later like that disregards all the horrible things they said to you earlier. Ummm no it doesn't. I didn’t like to argue but as a result, by the time I finally got angry enough to say anything, I wasn’t trying to have a civilized discussion, or talk about the issue at hand, or resolve anything. I was in it to “win” it. Whatever finally came out of my mouth was meant to dismiss you or shut you up, but it definitely wasn’t meant to continue the conversation. Over the years, I’ve learned that small, controlled burns are better than scorched Earth, so if I have a problem, I'll bring it up rather than hold it in until I’m ready to go nuclear. In other words, I give the person I’m with an opportunity to know what’s bothering me, to discuss it, and possibly correct it rather than simmer silently while they do a lot of small little things that eventually make me blow up in a fit of rage. It’s a simple, yet novel approach.

#4 Some Exes Are Exes For a Reason - One of the greatest appreciations I have is knowing that some of the women I once had a relationship with and even married, didn't become a mother by me which would've pushed me further away from "the one" I was supposed to be with. It may sound selfish, but you really had to be there at the time to appreciate it then like I appreciate it now. Unfortunately, things happen in life that are completely outside of your control and you’ll never truly move forward if you don’t accept this fact. In order to move forward, I had to accept the closure of past relationships, regardless of how they ended, because reconciling how a relationship ended isn’t always as important as accepting the fact that the relationship has ended. From there, you can truly begin to move forward and find the happiness you want, and hopefully recognize what you (and they) deserve.

#3 I Am The Common Factor - Like most young men, I went through a “women ain't sh*t phase.” However in reality, I was attracting and dating a like-pattern of ain't-sh*t women because I was less than sh*t myself. The common factor was me, but because no one likes to hold a mirror up to themselves I felt more comfortable projecting my insecurities and blame onto everyone but myself. You settle for the types of relationships you think you deserve. Eventually, instead of blaming these women for acting less than lady like, I took a look at myself and began asking the right question: why did I keep going after the same type of promiscuously inclined women in the first place? After some much needed self-reflection, I realized that if I wanted a good woman in my life, I should probably stop settling for anything less than a good woman.

#2 Accept People As They Are - Back in the day, I used to think: “she’d be a good woman for me if only she _________”. This mindset was flawed from the beginning. In contrast I should have accepted women as they were, and if she changed for the better...then great, but if she never changed at all, I would be fine with that too. This is referred to as dating the “potential person” rather than the person standing right in front of you. Neither way is really wrong but I’ve found the better route for me is to accept a woman as she is instead of waiting for who she might be.

#1 Relationships Aren't Easy - Contrary to popular belief, although they shouldn’t feel like a job, relationships take work. When you’re single, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want and as long as what you’re doing isn’t illegal. It really doesn’t matter what you do, because you’re not going to have much impact on anyone beyond yourself. When you’re in a relationship, if you’re financially or emotionally reckless within a relationship, it no longer just impacts you. Your actions or in-actions can (and usually do) have a direct impact on your partner. Realizing this took a certain level of maturity that I lacked when I was younger, whether I was in or out of a relationship, I didn’t change very much because I championed the BS statement that “I shouldn’t have to change.” I became a better man when my first thoughts weren’t about myself but they became centered first and foremost on the relationship. Since as the name implies, a relationship is about two people not just me as an individual. It’s true, I shouldn’t have to change, but if I didn’t want to change, I either wasn’t ready to be in a relationship or I wasn’t in a relationship with the right person. It took me a long time to realize the subtle difference. This lesson will become more important as the impact of my decisions affect more and more people in the form of a family I hope to one day be a part of again one day...

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The First Date Don'ts

The embryonic stage of your courtship, relationship or whatever you call it when you first start dating is quintessentially the most important time. While you’re excited to have met someone new or actually moving on to a new part of your life, it’s a time where you have to make sure you don’t ruin things by getting too far ahead of yourself. There’s nothing that anyone can do about what goes on in your head about your new dating adventure, but the goal is to keep those things from coming out. Once those thoughts turn into actions, things can go awry. For today's lesson, here are the five things you should never do when you first start dating...

 

#1 Facebook Stalk - It seems as though most people’s first reaction to meeting someone and finding out their last name is to immediately “friend” them on Facebook. After the friendship is complete, ladies go straight into your pictures looking for any recurring faces… like your ex-girlfriend. The men go straight into your pictures looking for Spring Break pictures. Both of these are wrong. Facebook is a great social networking tool, but it shouldn’t replace good old-fashioned getting to know one another.

#2 Become a Sitter on Twitter - Think for a moment what Twitter is about. It’s a status updating platform for people to tell the world everything they’re thinking. While it may seem like a good idea to follow the person you just started dating, don’t you think its rushing the process a bit? When people tweet, they don’t necessarily tweet from the heart. There’s also a loss of tone. How do you know if he or she is actually joking around or playing with their friends? You can easily misinterpret them to be a jerk or rude when in reality you just crashed their @’s trying to get an inside scoop. 

 

#3 Ask Invasive Questions - Ask anybody who knows me and they’ll tell you that I believe in boundaries. I’m a little more complex than most guys because I’m very careful not to ask questions that would lead to similar questions being asked back. With that said, when you start to ask questions like, “Why did you break up with your ex-girlfriend?” on the first date, or “So I wanted to ask you about [that embarrassing story from college that they’ve somehow uncovered by doing a deep dive on your past],” you’re way out of line. When people ask me when is the right time to bring up the tough questions, I always say, “When they’re necessary, not when you feel like you need to know.” 

 

#4 Rush Into Things - The easiest way to get to a meaningful relationship is to develop the relationship organically. Organically means naturally and at a normal pace without any additives. I understand that no one likes idle time, and I also understand that people are goal-oriented but for heaven’s sake, don’t rush the relationship! Take your time, give both yourselves time to want to be in the midst of a relationship. You can’t go from dinner on Friday night, to an early morning text about brunch on Saturday, to “how do you feel about going to 10 o’clock service with me on Sunday?” Take your time, you’ll scare the other person away if you start smothering them right out the gate. 

#5 Set Absurd Rules - Steve Harvey time! Let’s get this out of the way right now, Steve Harvey and his 90-day rule is the dumbest thing on the planet. You might end up waiting 90-days to have sex with someone, but if that’s a hard rule in your book, you got problems. Let me break this down for you. If you tell me you’re trying a 90-day rule before you have sex with me, I’m going to ask you a question: “Why?” You’re going to attempt to answer that question and no matter what you say in your head, I’m going to think that in your past you’ve had problems keeping your legs closed. If you need a rule as silly as that one to make sure you make the right decisions when it comes to sex, we can’t date. I’m not saying that you should have sex on the first date. You should have sex when you’re ready, when you trust him, and when you know you won’t regret it.

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The Five Things I'll Tell My Son About Women

One of the things I look forward to most when I think about fatherhood is passing along to my 12 year old son Jonathan the nuggets of wisdom I’ve gathered from my years of learning women. I've experienced these things with my father, so a big part of me is excited about experiencing with my son his first crush, first girlfriend, and first love. I picture us sitting together, as I begin revealing to him the secrets of manhood a father reveals to his son when he becomes older. One Sunday, he’ll come downstairs to the man cave and ask me how I knew his mom was "the one", and at that moment I’ll know that he believes that he found his "one". I’ll tell him about marriage and its imperfections, and he’ll tell me about who has his attention. In today’s post I want to share with you, the five things that I would share with him about women. Things I’ve learned along the way that might be useful to some of you as well, but I'm not saying that any of you are my sons or anything...

5. Son, Always Have a Plan - When you meet a woman who interests you, the first step toward carving out your own little space in her life is showing her that you can be relied upon. The easiest way to show her that you’re reliable is to tell her what you’re going to do and then do it. It starts with the little things. If you take her business card and tell her you’ll email her the next day, then email her the next day. Be on time when you meet for drinks and when you decide to have your first official date, have it planned from beginning to end. She won’t tell you how much she appreciates it right away, but appreciate it she will. Having a plan and then knowing how to make it come together is one of the easiest ways to separate yourself from most of the men she’s encountered. Most women say they love spontaneity, but what they don’t tell you is that they want that spontaneity to be experienced within the confines of an executed plan. A good woman will follow you through the gates of hell as long as you have an exit strategy, and as long as you told her that going through hell was part of the plan.

4. Son, You Can't Save Them All - If my son is like his father, he’ll have a soft spot in his heart for most women regardless of their previous, current or future life transgressions. As a pup, I thought all women were, by nature – good, possessed of good morals and good character. The ones whose behavior indicated otherwise were women who had somehow gone astray and could be saved by the right man. The truth is, you will meet some women and you will take them as they are. Be to them who you need to be at that moment and allow her to be for you who you need her to be at that moment. You’ll use each other, emotionally, sexually and in any other way you might desire. That’s just part of life. The key is for you to make sure you both go into it with both eyes open, communicating to one another your expectations, accurately. You will not fall in love with every woman who falls in love with you, you can’t be everything for every woman you meet, and you can’t save all the women in your life because not all of them will want to be saved. Some of them will just want you, then.

3. Son, Let Her Talk, and Listen to What She Says - Another key part to endearing yourself to a woman you’re interested in is letting her talk and listening to what she says. As men we like to brag, we like to boast, we like to let women know how great we are. There’s nothing wrong with that, in moderation – as you should be your own biggest fan. The key is to make sure you do way more listening than talking, especially in the early stages of a relationship. You’d be surprised at how little women are heard in our society. Women are often marginalized and unheard at their jobs, when they talk to their girlfriend’s they usually just swap stories, never really taking in what each other are saying. If you listen to what she says, taking care to appreciate the everyday minutia of her life, she won’t be able to help but fall for you. The other more important benefit of letting her talk and listening to what she says is that you actually get to learn her. You get a real opportunity to see what she’s really about, which will help you determine whether or not this is someone you really want to be with.

2. Son, Be Intriguing - To be handsome and have great style is a good thing. To be smart and funny is even better. Having success is always an added bonus and of course you want to be a great conversationalist. But above all those things, the most important asset you have in your initial interactions with a woman who piques your interest is your intrigue. The best women, the ones who are worth reconfiguring your life around – they meet smart, funny, interesting guys with style all the time, and usually they forget about those guys. But there’s something special about the intriguing man. If you are intriguing, she’ll find herself sitting at her desk wondering what makes you tick. She’ll wonder if you were serious when you said that funny thing she thought to be a joke at the time, but now seems a bit more confounding. Most importantly, she’ll wonder what you thought of her. She’ll wonder if you thought she was attractive, funny, smart, dumb or corny. Being intriguing gives a woman the opportunity to let her imagination run wild. Before she knows it, she’ll find herself wondering what she thought about before she spent her days thinking about you. So how does one be intriguing? It’s simple, it starts with your attitude. You need to understand that not every woman needs, wants, or deserves to know you. There are parts of you that are yours and yours alone. Develop that sort of self-image and you will exude it with those you meet. Don’t be self-absorbed and cocky about it, but be confident that who you are is special and different from everyone else. The knowledge of just how special and different you are is not given freely to every pretty girl that comes along, but is instead earned by the woman who is patient and discerning.

1. Son, Trust is a Gift Not Given to Every Woman You'll Encounter - The most valuable gift you can ever give to a woman is your trust; give it wisely and with discretion. There is no more important skill to develop than the ability to learn people. The ability to learn people is important because it is only after knowing a woman wholly and fully that you should allow yourself to trust her. Even then, trust her to be who you know her to be, not who she believes she is; there is often a difference. Sometimes, when emotions are heavy and feelings are deep, a woman will be more inclined to say what she thinks you want to hear. She’s not lying to you or trying to deceive you; she’s saying what she truly believes. It is your job to know her well enough at that point to decide whether what she’s saying and what she’s capable of are one in the same. You need to develop the discipline to base your actions on the latter. Consistently doing this will make you a villain in the eyes of some of the women you come to know, but it will also make you a hero to others. Either way you should sleep soundly at night, secure in the knowledge that what you’ve done was always what was best for both of you.

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Key Questions to Ask in a Relationship

Some of the strongest romantic connections are spontaneous, start fast and move very quickly to falling in love. However, when you’re falling in love, you’re likely not worrying about the important issues that when they come up later can be a recipe for disaster. I’ve always gone back and forth with questions that you should ask and when you should ask them. Most of the questions that I’m going to list here in this post aren’t first-date questions; it’s probably way too invasive. When I’m talking to someone about their relationship, I’m always certain to figure out if they know the answers to these questions. I think there are just certain things that you guys should know about each other.

 

1. What are you like when you get upset? Every couple should spend time figuring out what happens when their significant other is upset. What are those things that upset them and how they react are essential questions that need to be answered. There are two types of people in this world, there’s those who outwardly express their anger and those who hold it in. Personally, I’ve found over the years that I typically deal with most of my anger on the inside. Therefore, somewhere along the way my significant other will have no clue that something they do bothers me. I deal with being upset by distancing myself from the problem and reducing its ability to affect me. If you're dating someone like this, it’s critical that you have a conversation so that you both know how to go forward.

When to ask: Right before you make the relationship official.

2. What exactly happened in your last relationship? Everybody has things they don’t want to talk about and that’s fine. Your last relationship is not one of those things that you can really hold onto yourself because it really affects your next relationship. That’s why you have to have this conversation at some point. It doesn’t need to happen early on, but at some point you have to be careful having the conversation. You need to know if they were cheated on or cheated in their last relationship, which may be an indication of trust issues that may have developed. You need to know if they dated someone who was abusive or too submissive; it’s an indication of the person you’re inheriting. If they’ve never been in a relationship before… well, good luck.

When to ask: Once you’ve decided to exclusively date.

3. How does your family and friends affect your relationships? The short answer is they shouldn’t affect it. The real answer is they have a significant impact on your relationship and you need to discuss it. Setting aside daddy and mommy issues, there are other ways that your family can shape your relationship. For example, what if there’s no strong emphasis on marriage before children in their family? What if they’re a child of divorce? All questions that can affect your relationship. Also, friends play a big part too. I’ve dated women who’s friends were all single and all negative as hell about men. I had to know that when she went to her friends with issues in her relationship, they would likely be the conspiracy theorists. I know for men, if your friends are all single and living that single life, it can really affect your relationship. You need a support system! If your boys are heading to happy hour but you’re on duty with cutie, after a while that can weigh on you. Are his boys the type to say, “Man you need to go spend time with Big Shirley” or “That’s why we told you not to get in a relationship”?

When to ask: A month or so into the relationship when you’ve made it past the awkward newbie phase.

4. What are your views on long term commitment and what does that mean to you? Listen here, people don’t ask this question and they end up wasting years of their lives in situations with people they love but in the long run don’t work out. You need to know early on if there’s no real future with this person. How long do they see themselves dating a person before marriage? If not a time, then are there certain checkpoints that will let you guys know when you’re wasting your time? Does a long term commitment also come with the expectation of cohabitation? Is the relationship seasonal with an expiration date when one of you moves away in a few months? These are all important questions that need to be answered. The worst feeling is when you fall in love with a person, like really truly love them, but in the end there’s just no feasible way you can be together for a long period of time.

When to ask: 3-6 months, after your first argument or disagreement.

Those are my four questions, and I’m sure there are more and you’re welcome to share them in the comments section. I heard a girl joke that when she got married there were all these questions she never thought to ask but became critical once they were under the same roof in a lifetime commitment. “Do you like creamy or chunky peanut butter?” “Do you like toilet paper rolling from the top or bottom?” “Dishes washed immediately after dinner or after a bit of time to relax?” Yeah… funny yet pertinent questions because over of the course of time those things will lead to annoyance and unnecessary arguments. Have the conversation early and avoid it being awkward and uncomfortable later...

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3 Steps to Having an A-May-zing Relationship

Relationships are not as hard as people make them out to be, they can actually be (wait for it)....aMAYzing! All the awkward, difficult situations can easily be avoided and the pleasant ones can be enhanced. How? With my 3 easy steps to having an aMAYzing relationship. Read on if you want to do this.

Step 1: Be Happy With Yourself - This might be cliche’ but it’s true. You can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first. Do you have crazy insecurities? Most likely. Do you love your crazy insecurities? Probably not. So before you go out into the world and share yourself with another person, you have to get your stuff together. Find out what you like, what you don’t like and love every aspect of yourself. If there’s something that you want to change, change it and continue to love who you are. 

Step 2: Know What You Want - What do you want to do with yourself? What are your goals? What are you doing to get there? What do you want out of life? Those are the questions you should ask yourself every day to make decisions that will get you closer to what you want. If you are not happy with the direction you’re going alone, how do you expect to happy going through life with someone else. The person you’re with now might be one of the decisions you regret every morning when you wake up. If that’s the case, get rid of that fool, get it together and find someone else. There’s joy in knowing what you want and taking action to get there. And there’s even more joy when you meet that goal.

Step 3: Share Your Experiences With Someone Else - Only when you’re happy with yourself and the direction you’re driving, should you invite someone along to enjoy the ride. You know what you want, you know where you’re heading and if you find someone heading in the same direction, why not share it together. Once you’ve shared enjoyable experiences with that person it’s likely that the two of you will create new goals to achieve together. Things that interest the both of you and align with what you both want out of life. If you can get on that path with another person, you’ll experience happiness, joy, love, all the good stuff you can want out of a relationship.

There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship where you’re expecting the other person to make you feel happy. That’s a tremendous amount of pressure to put on someone and more often than not, they’ll come up short. You’ll notice that 2 of the 3 steps to having an aMAYzing relationship have to do with you getting yourself together. It starts with you! You should realize that only you can make yourself feel happy. Once you do that, then you should find a person to share that happiness with...

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Love at First Sight (Guest Blogger)

Today's guest blogger is in love, and isn't afraid to shout it from the mountain top! In an effort to encourage stories of aMAYzing love and relationships, Sandy from Pembroke, Ontario in Canada shares her message of aMAYzing-ness!

Love at first sight is when you first meet a person and you feel as though there’s already a connection. You know in your heart that this is the one for you. It’s like you’ve finally found “your match made in heaven”. I feel like I have found such a match. In my mind he possesses everything that makes him an ideal romantic partner. From that first moment we found ourselves to be instantly compatible and mutually attractive. I know it’s too soon to claim that he is the love of my life, but it’s not too soon to hope. Only time can decide if that claim is correct

A lot of skeptics (like my brother) would say that love at first sight isn’t possible to them (and him). I don’t call it “love at first sight”, but I think of it as feeling that you are brave enough to follow and see where the flow will take you. In life we just have to take chances because you never know what the outcome can be. I understand that we all have been hurt in our past so that makes us bitter and cold, but we all need to let the past be the past and move on. It took me four years to get the courage to speak to the guy I fell in love with the first day I met him. The funny thing was that he noticed me too all those years and he was afraid to approach me. During our first conversation we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other, and since then we’ve been inseparable. I’m happy just being around him, talking and laughing, hugging and kissing. It’s funny because I used to be one of those people who would tell kissing couples to get a room, but now I see sometimes you can’t help but express that affection you have for the other person. 

So where do we go from here? Marriage?!? We’ve spoken about it and living together and I’m all for it. It seems like we’ve been together forever. I may still be naive but I think this is real love. It’s rare that you find someone (or someone finds you) and you click just like that, and I am not one to pass up a good opportunity when I see it. He knows that I come as a package deal (me and my babies) and he accepts that. We communicate a lot and as cliche as it may sound we believe without communication you’ll have nada. Well, that’s my little story. Again, I’ll have to check back with you sometime in the future to really determine the validity of my claims of love at first site. I know that you’ll be rooting for me, and so will I…

Feel free to send me your stories of aMAYzing love to encourage and promote the month of aMAYzing men, women and relationships to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com this month. 

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The Profile of an A-May-zing Woman

The month of a-MAY-zing love continues! Let me take this time to celebrate the women out there who are by far a-MAY-zing in their own right. I don't know how men can even form the words "where are all the good women", but just in case you may feel there is a slight of good women out there, let me show you a few of her characteristics. 

Confidence: I’m pretty sure this is standard on everyone’s list. A good woman is a woman who is confident in most aspects of herself. I say most, because the reality is everyone has something(s) they’re insecure about. A good woman will walk with confidence and talk with confidence. She’ll let you know she’s sure of herself and she doesn’t need you, but she want’s you. It’s important however that she knows how to be confident without being condescending.  A woman who is self righteous is NOT a good woman.

Physically Attractive: Don’t be fooled. Being physically appealing IS a characteristic of a good woman. Let me explain (before I feel the wrath of angry women). For me, being physically attractive isn’t just about wearing the tightest dress, shortest skirt, showing the most cleavage, or wearing the best makeup. It’s much more than that. Being physically attractive means taking care of your body, eating properly, being physically active, making sure you look and feel as fit as you can. Aside from the obvious physical benefits of doing this (which guy DOESN’T love a flat stomach and nice toned legs?), it shows that you’re conscious of your health, you care about your body and you don’t plan to wear it out as quickly as possible by eating crap, drinking to excess too often, smoking, etc.

Ambition: Some men are fine with women who are ‘dead weight’. Women who are quite fine with just doing as they’re told and living off their partner. Well, THAT is NOT a good woman. A good woman will have ambition. She’ll want to strive for more and better for herself and for her partner. She’ll want to make sure that whatever it is she does, she keeps doing it better, and she’ll help make sure her partner does exactly the same. A good woman will never be content with just sitting down and ‘living off anyone. That will never, and should never be enough for a good woman.

Patience and Understanding: Men are stupid...there, I said it. We’re dumb. We can’t multitask, we forget important things, we can’t argue about multiple things at once and we do the exact opposite of what you told us to do 30 minutes ago. So, a good woman is the woman that will be patient and understand that despite all that, we have the best intentions.We’re trying to make you happy and we’re willing to learn (however, willing and able are two different things). A good woman will understand that her partner may not always want what she wants, like what she likes or think how she wants him to think.

A Teacher of New Things: No, I’m not talking about in the bedroom (well not JUST the bedroom). A good woman will be able to teach her man new things and help him grow. It doesn’t have to be school stuff, it could be simple stuff like how to add a little extra flavor to his favorite dish or the benefit of taking one vitamin over another. She’ll add value to his life and help make him better tomorrow than he was today. She doesn’t have to be a university scholar, she’ll just be herself and do what she does.

And since this post has been so long already, I’ll list the last few

• She’ll be able to compromise
• She’ll treat her partner the same way she wants to be treated
• She’ll listen just as much as she wants to be listened to
• She’ll respect her partner (you’d be surprised how many women don’t respect their partners)
• She won’t force her ideas and beliefs on her partner
• She’ll accept her partner as they are

I think this pretty much covers most of what make a woman a "good woman". Feel free to let me know what else you think are the traits of a good woman. Remember gentlemen, real and a-MAY-zing women exist and are out there waiting to be found by real and a-MAY-zing men!

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Look For The A-May-zing Man

This month my goal is to celebrate the man, and promote the month of a-may-zing love. I found this and I had to share it with you today, so please read along and as always, feel free to leave your comments to stir conversation afterwards. 

THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE who will respond to your text messages. Men who will initiate conversations because they simply can’t wait to see what you’ll say next. There are men who will never be too busy or too preoccupied to wish you good morning, regardless if you’re a country or a block away. Men who remember to call when they say they will – because they want to – and those who surprise you with their curiosity about your sometimes monotonous days. There are men who aim to be the last person you talk to before you sleep and the first name you see on your screen when you rise. Men who show up on time – or even early – men who are genuinely excited to see you.

There are men who want to go on dates. Real dates. Men who want to take you out to their favorite restaurant and will never expect you to pay, but always appreciate the gesture. There are men who want to talk to you for longer than one drink after work, and longer than what’s enough to get you upstairs. There are men who you won’t have to convince to see you. Men who aren’t purely motivated to be your sexual company, but just love being around you. There are men who won’t wait three days — or even three hours– to ask you out again. Men who have grown past games and cryptic messages that you don’t have time to decode. There are men who simply, truly just want to get to know you.

There are men who want to hold your hand in public. Men who enjoy walking around department stores shopping for things they can’t afford but love the feeling of your tiny fingers interlaced with their adorably-bony knuckles. There are men who love sitting next to you on the downtown train just so they can look at your face, even if they notice the uneven lines and imperfect skin in the terrible lighting, because they can’t imagine another way to spend their Saturday afternoon. Men who wish they could capture the wonder on your face when you see a new part of the city you didn’t know you loved, but now do. Men who want to show you off to the strangers on the street because they find you so incredibly intoxicating. There are men who are happy to be seen by your side, thankful to be someone you chose to roam about town with.

There are men who want to be your boyfriend. Who are totally excited to introduce you as their girlfriend to their friends, to their families, to the women who try to pick them up in bars. Men who aren’t unavailable, who are ready for a relationship, who aren’t ripe with excuses why the timing or the situation, the feeling or the possibility just isn’t right. Men who don’t blame yesterday on their immature inability to develop something today and imagine tomorrow. There are men who wouldn’t pass on the chance to be yours because they know how amazing – how special – how superbly wonderful you are, and that they’re lucky you want to be with them, and only them. There are men who don’t hesitate on title changes or commitment. Men who want to grow with you and learn with you, love you the best they can, be with you as long as you allow them to. Men who don’t reply “thank you” when you say those precious three words. There are even men who say that incomparable phrase first, not second.

There are men who are proud of your successes, not intimidated by them. Men who are amazed by your determination and passion, who see the things inside of you that you can’t notice yet, or decide to ignore. There are men who believe in your future as much as they believe in the world you can create together. Men who want to witness your bad times and your good, be there when you fail and celebrate when you find that sense of belonging that we all look for, but never know quite what it means until we stumble across it. There are men who know to buy yellow tulips and kiss your forehead when you’ve had a rough day, men who remember you don’t ever take advice in the worst of situations, but you’ll want to hear it in the morning. Men who remind you of all the things to come and promise to be there when you get to the top of that mountain you’re climbing. There are men who really mean that and are there at the peak. And in the valley.

There are men who listen. Men who linger on each and every word you say because they know they will never know too much about you, and are intrigued to always learn more, regardless of how long they’ve known you. There are men who have the ability to put your needs before their own, who remember the first time they noticed something different about you. Men who like the way you look right after a long shower or a night run, when you’re dressed to go out and when you’re in your sweats from college. Men who see your insecurities but find them only a small part of what makes you beautiful. There are men who will remember your birthday, the day you met, the moment they knew they loved you and when you made them want to be a better person. There are men who love your thoughtful heart as much as they’re turned on by your soft body. Men who know how hard you like it, what part of your neck gets you going and that sometimes, you really just need to be spooned until you fall asleep. There are men who will accept you for whatever you are, whoever you are, whenever you decide to be that person in that place. Men who will stand by you – and fight for you – because they know you’re worth it. Because they know you’d do the same for them.

There are men who will spend weeks, months or even a year planning the perfect way to propose. Men who not only realize how special that moment will be to you, but how important of a story it’ll be to the children you don’t have yet. There are men who want to watch the wrinkles form around your eyes and especially around your mouth, because they’ve spent decades listening to that laugh they love come out of the sweetest smile they’ve ever seen. Men who will leave you notes by your morning coffee or send you sweet – or dirty – text messages at work, even after you’ve been married fifteen years. There are men who will adore all of the things that make you a woman, even when those things bear babies instead of nights of sexual release, even when those things drag instead of rise to occasions. Men who will always remember what you looked like that day you walked toward them in a white gown with glitter on your eyes and the purist of hope in your heart. There are men who truly, honestly, completely will love you.

There are SO MANY men out there. But you’ll never meet them if you don’t LET GO of the guys you really don’t want, to find the men you really deserve. The men who are waiting to meet someone just like you!

Courtesy of www.yetmore.net

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The Month of "Amayzing Love"

By now I think you all should know that I consider myself "love's biggest fan". And as love's biggest fan, it is my responsibility to promote love in every way possible. Today is May 1st and in Chicago, its going to be another beautiful 82 degree day (the third straight day after a slow spring, weather wise). My enthusiasm for the change of seasons has spilled over into what I call the change of relationship seasons everywhere. Let me encourage you to come out of the relationship funk you might be experiencing long enough to hear from "love's biggest fan" for at least until the end of this blog.

It's time to do a little "spring cleaning" around the areas of your heart. Grab some empty boxes and pack up the memory of the man or woman who recently done you wrong. Easier said than done? Absolutely! But if all you do is "say it", you'll never get to the point that you've "done it". I'm convinced that real, true, unconditional love is out there for everyone, but it just won't show up at your door and persistently ring the bell until you open it. There is a little work you have to do to find it, but its work that CAN be done! As "love's biggest fan", I have declared the month of May to be "the month of aMAYzing love". Meaning this month, I will promote the power that love can have on us, no matter if you're single, married, divorced, in a relationship, just out of a relationship, in a complicated relationship, just looking, just flirting, just confused...I don't care, love is out there! 

Over the weekend I watched a program in which men were just considered to be no good manipulative schemers. My takeaway from it was there never can never be a reformed man. A man who was a cheater, will always be a cheater. A man who was untrustworthy in a relationship can never be trusted again. I was just fuming between commercial breaks, and at the end of the show, they never gave women any hope that good men existed. It got me to thinking, and I came up with the aMAYzing love promotion. My job is to remind women all over the planet that there are some aMAYzing stories of men who have become reformed, rehabilitated, and have made every step to become better than they were in the earlier days of their lives. If you need an example of what that kind of man looks like, just look at ME! I haven't always been this guy who supposedly has an answer or two, this thing took some time, and hearts were broken along the way because I didn't know what I was doing. There are stories of control, abuse, and infidelity that would make your head spin. But I went through a process that changed my life, and so I go against the stereotype that a man will never change. What makes this story aMAYzing is the change I went through that makes it possible for other men to do the same. 

If I could stand on top of the Willis Tower in Chicago, and shout it for everyone to hear, I would say LOVE IS POSSIBLE! What makes it possible are stories of positive love occurrences. So this month, you'll hear it from me, you'll hear it from others on the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook, and you'll hear it from guest bloggers, because yes I'm tired of the there are no good men in the world statements flooding out minds...SNAP OUT OF IT! Grab your empty box, clean out the negativity, and join love's biggest fan in a month of positive aMAYzing love!

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