The Characteristics of A Good Man

RELATIONSHIP LESSON:  A woman can't change a man, BUT a man will change for a woman worth changing for...

OK ladies and gentlemen, today I will keep today's blog brief. Most lessons are learned when you apply them, and today is a "day of application" for me. Men, more than every once in a while, you have to prove your love to the one you love. Sounds simple, right? Wrong! Relationships are work, real hard work, but if you want it bad enough, we as men will do whatever we need to do in order to get what we want or keep what we have. Good men, contrary to popular belief or the latest talk show, do exist. They exist because I believe I am becoming one of them. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but in this journey to REAL manhood I've discovered a few things...

A good man will compliment her cuteness. Fellas, if she is beautiful, you better let her know it! Listen to me well here fellas, there is no feeling in the world out there like a woman who is beautiful to many, but not to the one she wants to be beautiful for.
A good man will comprehend her conversation. Hearing, listening, and comprehending...there is a difference in all of these. Men must understand that the way to a woman's heart is not in trying to fix what she is saying is wrong (all the time), but understanding that she needs a sounding board and room to fix it herself.
A good man will care for her concerns. When she needs her man, then man...be there! If the answer needs to be handled by her man, then man...handle it! Gentlemen, you MUST address her concerns (whatever they may be), because if she is concerned when you show none whatsoever, then eventually she won't be concerned about you!
I said at the beginning of the post that today is a "day of application" for me. I can't give advise to many and I don't follow any of it myself. But this one thing I know, anyone can compliment, comprehend, and care for her, but if she can't get these three things from me, then I'm not showing any good man characteristics. Remember what I said, if men want it bad enough, we will do whatever we need to do in order to get what we want, or keep what we have.

Type you on Monday...

10 Reasons Why He Will Commit To Her, But Not To You

That is the question that plagues a woman's mind when a man chooses another woman over her. You're left wondering what you did wrong to push him away or think you're not good enough. You may find yourself seeking validation or even wanting him to make you the exception to the rule to soothe the reality of having been rejected. The majority of the time, you begin to obsess and rack your brain trying to analyze every conversation, and every text message between the two of you in hopes of finding what you may have done or said to drive him away.
Don’t you hate it when you find out a guy you dated is now in a relationship? Or worse, is married? I’m not talking about the good guys...you always knew that they’d end up married. I’m talking about the “crazy” and commitment phobic ones. The one that said “I’m scared of getting hurt,” as his excuse for not wanting to take you out on a date. I’m talking about the one that said “I’m not looking to get serious right now,” and you ended up trying to convince him that he was ready by showing him how great of a girlfriend you are.
When this happens, instantly you want to know what’s wrong with you. Why did he choose her over you? There are several different reasons, but here are the top 10 probable causes for him committing to her but not to you.

1) He didn't see you as serious relationship material - This is a hard one to accept. A lot of women believe they’re the ones that get to call the shots and determine if he’s good enough for them. Well, the same thing works for him. He gets to determine what works for him and apparently, you weren’t what he wanted for a long term relationship.

2) You were too clingy and/or too needy - If you’re needy and dependent and don’t know it, you’re in trouble. If you constantly needed his approval or reassuring compliments, that can be exhausting for him. Men want a woman who is confident, not needy.

3) You never complimented him - Let me tell you a little secret...our egos are a lot more fragile than you think, and a compliment can go a long way for a man that’s into you. If you were constantly finding fault with his behaviors or disapproving of how he lived his life, that may have eliminated you out of the running for committed relationship.

4) He didn't feel like he could contribute to your life - A married friend of mine likes to say “I let my husband do things around the house so that he knows I need him and so that he knows he’s the man. The minute he feels like he’s not the man, he’ll go be the man to someone else.” If your ex didn’t feel like he could give you anything to enhance your life, his manhood may have been challenged. Same rules apply if you told him that he couldn’t do anything for you.

5) Bad timing - It’s a possibility that at the time he was with you, he was not in relationship mode. Maybe he was building a career or trying to get his stuff together in some way. Maybe he wanted to be with you, but he just couldn’t give you what you wanted at that time.

6) There was too much pressure - A fraternity brother of mine said recently, “when I come home, I want peace.” If you always wanted to talk about the relationship, questioning his whereabouts and intentions, or hinting that you wanted to be married within a certain time frame, it may have turned him off. Also, if you constantly told him that he should change “for the better”, that was too much pressure as well.

7) You went "mommy" on him - Maybe you were constantly cooking, cleaning, and taking care of him. Maybe you gave him advice ad nauseum about how to handle adult matters. If you went mommy on him, he probably stuck around because he liked being taken care of, but he mentally ruled you out as anything serious.

8) You didn't know how to have fun - If you didn’t have an exciting life outside of him, it probably put a lot of pressure on the relationship. If at every moment you wanted him to accompany you to some event or participate in some activity, he may have made him feel like you were too needy.

9) You weren't emotionally open to him - Sometimes the guy may have wanted a relationship but you were just simply not available. Your mouth may have said one thing, but your actions said another. If you were constantly busy, rarely returning his calls, or seldomly clearing some time for him in your schedule, then that probably ruled you out of the commitment running.

10) You slept with him too soon - Contrary to popular belief, sometimes waiting is better. Sex is more emotional for women, and when they sleep with someone they don’t know yet, it bonds them together (the makings of a soul tie). When men sleep with women, they may feel like there’s nothing to look forward to. They’ve already seen everything you’ve got (the makings of a bastard). Even if he came back for seconds, thirds, or more, he came back because it was being offered. But mentally, he’d already counted you out of the commitment running.

5 Ways to Keep a Man's Attention

Some of us are great at the chase, but not so good at the kill. In other words, we know how to get the guy, but when it comes to keeping him, it’s a different story. Once you’ve impressed your guy and wooed him, and you both finally come down from cloud nine, what’s next? How do you keep a man interested and show him that you’re worth keeping around, especially once he realizes that you’re not perfect like he thought? Being yourself is always a good place to start, but there are other things that you can do to keep a man by your side, help him to really appreciate you, and take that step to commit. Here are five ways to get on your guy’s good side.

1. Learn to speak his love language.
First and foremost, find out what his love language is (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch). You can make him dinner every night, but if his love language is “words of affirmation,” you’ll be spinning your wheels. Once you’ve determined his love language, you can tailor your affections to his needs, and you’ll even reap the benefits. When your man feels loved, he’ll be more likely to shower you with the affection you deserve.

2. Give him space.
You can help to keep a man interested by simply giving him space. He needs alone time, or at least time to pursue hobbies and interests that you might not share. Pick a time each week when you each do something on your own or with your friends. It’s always important to maintain your own friendships even when you’re in a relationship. In the novelty of a new relationship, many people are tempted to spend all of their time with their new date, while letting other relationships slip. Remember, there may come a day when you need the support of your friends, so make sure you stay in their good graces! The next time he tells you he made plans with his friends, smile and tell him to have fun. Then, schedule a date at the spa with a few of your friends.

3. Don’t be his mother (but get along with her).
The last thing your guy needs is a second mother. Now, we all know that the men in our life need some help and guidance at times (OK, all of the time), but there are ways to do this without taking him back to his high school days when his mom constantly nagged him. Try asking him to do something just once, and if that doesn’t work, ask him gently a second time, but give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t show him that you are bothered, or he’ll resent being asked to do it. He’ll be much more likely to accommodate you if you stay positive and make him feel like he wants to do it to help you.

 

4. Learn to like (or at least tolerate) the things he likes.
People are different, and that’s what makes us so unique. It’s also what enables us to have meaningful and special relationships with others. It’s important to realize from the onset that your guy won’t be exactly like you, and believe me you wouldn’t want that! Can you imagine if he went to get a pedicure every two weeks or spent an hour styling his hair every morning? That being said, you’d all love it if we would just let you be when you do take longer to get ready or when you spend money to keep yourselves looking good for us. Just the same, you should be willing to let us watch football and basketball, or even spend the weekend with family or friends. With time, you might even start to enjoy watching football!
 

5. Don’t push the “M” word.

We all know that the “M” word is enough to scare any guy away, especially if he’s not ready for it. If you’ve been dating for two years and the subject has never come up, then you might want to gently broach the subject. On the other hand, if you’ve only been dating for six months, you may need to be more patient. Forcing a serious issue like marriage may do more harm than good. Concentrate on making him happy and he’ll eventually come around. And if you do finally venture into the dark waters, be prepared to gently back out if you sense he feels overwhelmed. Give your relationship a chance to run its course naturally.

At the same time, don’t keep a man around longer than you should. If you give him adequate time to commit and he still doesn’t seem interested, it may be time to give him the boot. The most important thing to remember in a relationship is that your work doesn’t stop once he’s yours. In fact, even the best marriages are based on hard work, and if you want to keep a man, there’s no better time to start than now. Put these five principles into practice and he’ll be yours for good!

 

Critical Mistakes Women Make

RELATIONSHIP LESSONS: The more you pay attention, the less you have to apologize...

One of the mistakes women make in relationships is continuing in behavior that will either shift the relationship or ultimately destroy it. Ladies, if you take control of what you can change up front, and raise the standard, then you have just given the man the blueprint he needs to build something great. What do I mean by this? Sometimes you just can't ignore the tell-tale signs of your behavior, so I want to share from a man's viewpoint, some of the critical mistakes that women make in their relationships with men.

1) Hacking into email or phones looking for suspicious messages and then yelling at him for the "k thnx bye" text he sent to his female co-worker two months ago. Its just a reminder, but "k thnx" is not always code for "hot steamy sex."

2) Thinking our partners must be interested in everything we do, think and say. When it comes down to it, most women zone out when men talk about circuit boards or the infield fly rule, right? Having a best friend or gab partner outside a relationship is a good thing.

3) If you're mad at him because he ate your tasty restaurant leftovers out of the fridge, tell him you're mad at him because he ate your tasty restaurant leftovers out of the fridge. Don't turn it into his commitment issues, and his lack of expressing his love for you.

4) Putting so much energy into the idea of a fairy-tale romance, that you're disappointed with anything less. Most romantic movies have a script to tell how it ends, but you on the other hand have to write your own ending, produce it, and find your own co-star too.

 

5) Over-analyzing. There's analysis and then there's over-analysis. Wondering why the fiance didn't call once during his bachelor weekend in Vegas may be a legitimate case for analysis. Wondering why he only called twice and not three times during a guys' night out? Not so much.

 

6) Using the silent treatment. Unless the man you love is a clairvoyant on the side, your partner can't read your mind, so contrary to popular belief, he won't know what's wrong unless you suck it up and tell him.

 

In closing, let me say that trying to re-invent the relationship wheel isn't the goal here. But having an idea to what is changeable and fixable is the goal. How many times have you heard these things and you worked on these things, but somehow you went back to what feels like comfortable behavior. Don't take it as an indictment on the female psyche, it's just the male point of view...
 

Who To Keep, and Who To Let Go

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Thank God for the ones who walked away, because they're making room for the ones who won't...

It’s ok to cry, be depressed or upset about it for a minute but don’t stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life.

This is what I’ve learned in all these years I’ve been on this earth: if somebody wants to get up and walk out of your life, let...them...go! Especially if you know you’ve done everything you could do. You’ve sat around and been the best man or the best woman you could've been, and they still wanna go? Please, let...them...go! Whatever they’re running after, they’ll see what they had later, but by then it’ll be too late because half these people you’ve been sitting around crying about, in 2-3 years you won’t even remember their last name. How many times have you seen that one man or woman somewhere and you said, “what the hell was I thinking?!” I’ve been there, and thought to myself, “What was I going through? I must’ve been lonely as hell to hook up with you!”

Some people come into your life for a lifetime, and some come for a season, but you have to know which one is which. You’ll always mess up when you mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations (I know this lesson all too well). I was one of those people that went and got married to someone I was only supposed to be with for a season. And I wondered why I had so much hell in my life? Don't look at my blog with that tone of voice, some of you have been there too!

Listen, I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people, are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they’re over here. They’re unstable. The wind blows again, they over there. The weather changes, they wither up and die. They’re gone, and that’s alright. Most people in the world are like that, and they’re just there to take from the tree. That’s all they do, take from the tree and give shade every now and again. But don’t get mad at people like that, that’s just who they are, and they’ll never be anything but a leaf. That’s what they were put on this earth to be – a leaf. Some people, are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with branches because they’ll fool you. They’ll get there and make you think they’re a good friend and that they’re strong, but the minute you step out there on them? They’ll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that are like the roots at the bottom of that tree? Consider yourself truly blessed, because these are the kind of people that aren’t going ANYWHERE. If those roots weren’t there, that tree couldn’t live. You understand? A tree can have a hundred million branches, but only a few roots down at the bottom to make sure it gets everything it needs. I’m telling you, when you get you some roots, hold on to them. The rest of them? Just let them go, let folks go!

Nobody said its going to be easy, but it’ll get easier when you learn how to love yourself. You will make a decision when you get to a point in your life and you look at them and go, “okay, wait a minute. You? Or me?” What I've learned to do is tell them, “look here, this thing you’re doing right here? That is going to cause a problem – you need to fix that. If we're going to be friends, you have to fix that. If you don’t, then we're gonna have an issue.” Now if you see someone fix that, or if they're trying to fix that, you have someone who cares so keep them around. That is a leaf trying to grow up and be something else, you understand? But if you tell somebody that what they’re doing is hurting and they need to stop it, and they keep doing it? They don’t care about you or the relationship, move on, let them go. No matter how much it hurts, let them go. It will get easier, I promise you it will . Everyday it'll get easier and easier and easier, you just have to make it through...

 

*thank you Tyler Perry and T.D. Jakes

Emotional Baggage

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: In order to embrace what is, and what can be, you have to let go of what was, and what should never have been...

Emotional baggage...the killer of many relationships. Its funny how many bags we acquire over the course of our lives, and its even funnier how many bags we stuff into other bags in an attempt to look like as if we don't have as many in the first place. I remember having so many bags at one point in my life, it no longer became about me but what any woman would have to overcome before they could even get to me.

So how do you check your emotional baggage? At what point can you look at a person and say "before we go any further, have you dealt with your unresolved feelings"? The problem with these left over feelings are that they're usually negative in nature, causing fears and doubts that carry over into future relationships. Unfortunately we (including me) never recognize the emotions that come with this baggage until it is too late and the relationship is over. Emotional baggage occurs when we experience a hurt within a relationship, and that hurt is not resolved or dealt with. We internalize those negative feelings and develop fears that we may or may not be aware of. Then we're off to the next relationship, and those same fears and negative emotions trigger negative or irrational thoughts and behaviors within us. The fears and hurt feelings grow over time and now become justified within our own mind as correct. This creates a cycle that we then feel unable to escape from as we venture into our next romantic quest.
Being able to identify the problem is the key in being able to put an end to it. Make a list, mental or otherwise, of the romantic relationships you have been involved in and the issues that occurred within them. It is important to look for and notice patterns that have formed and continue on from one relationship to the next. These patterns will help you locate where in relationships your negative behaviors have an impact. Remember that you are not at fault for every problem that may arise in every relationship. However if you notice the very same problems arise in every relationship then you need to take a closer look at any negative emotions and fears that you may have. The only factor that all of your relationships have in common, positive or negative is you. Therefore you know that the only way to stop those same problems from presenting themselves in yet another relationship is within you.
Review the event or experience that you feel caused your emotional baggage and identify your role in the experience. Allow yourself to learn from that experience and forgive yourself! It's then and only then that you can lose the weight that an emotional bag can carry, and you can hopefully move on better than before...

What Forgiveness Is Not

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: To forgive everyone is Godly, but to trust everyone is foolish...

Probably the hardest relationship pill there is to swallow is the pill of forgiveness. However, when it is necessary medicine for your healing, it might be a good idea to fill that prescription. There are plenty of blogs out there to tell you how to forgive, and the benefits of forgiving, and what forgiveness is, but today I want to share with you what forgiveness in a relationship is not.

Forgiveness is not a green light for allowing them to continue in their foolishness. Everyone makes mistakes, but even mistakes become intentional if they go by unchecked. In too many relationships people use the "I'm sorry card" to ask for forgiveness, only to repeat the same behavior again and again. I'm not telling you that I read or heard, I'm telling you what I know and did as often as I could. In my bastard days, I never thought of how my actions impacted the woman I was with. After a while, continuing in my "I'm sorry" was as common a reflex as blinking my eyes because I took advantage of being out there without any balances or accountability.

Forgiveness is not forgetfulness. Men equate forgiving with forgetting, and the two have never been so different from each other. I will probably go to my grave with this statement somewhere on my headstone for a reminder for others who are just walking by: "Men have NO idea how long something they say or do can stay in a woman's mind". Don't fall for the belief that if you forgive them, you can no longer hold it against them. Trust is EARNED, not given so by all means if the doghouse needs remodeling to accommodate a new tenet for a while, call a carpenter or watch HGTV to get a few tips, but distance is definitely needed.

Forgiveness is not allowing the experiences of the past to dominate your future. Once you give your heart to someone, you have no control over how they treat what is valuable and precious to you. It would only be fair and right to think that they would handle something so fragile with care. Unfortunately, this behavior is often the opposite. Unforgivness harbors anger and breeds contempt, as forgiveness releases YOU (never mind them) from the hurt it causes. Whoever doesn't take care of heart matters, often make it that much harder to recognize those who can take care of them. At some point you can't take out your frustrations on the next person who hasn't done what the previous man or woman did.

We have the ability to forgive, but forgiving someone comes with a heightened sense of being careful not to let it happen again. If you continue to let foolishness happen, if you don't pay attention to their tendencies, and if you let it keep you angry and stuck, it may say more about YOU than it could ever say about them...

 

5 Reasons For Fear Commitment

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Stop holding on to people who don't want to be held...

COMMITMENT PHOBIA (verb) Usually when a man says he doesn’t want to marry the woman he’s with, but enjoys living with her pretending as though he is married to her already. Signs may include cheating on her, numerous past relationships, never wanting to discuss or plan the future with their current mate, not wanting to meet the family, dating her for like 7 years without considering a future with the person, or dating emotionally "unavailable" people.

Today I will briefly discuss the 5 reasons Men (and women) fear commitment, so hold on to your smart phones for this one...

YOU THINK FOREVER IS A LONG TIME - The thought of eternal happiness and togetherness make you look at the concept of time in a totally different manner. You start taking what you have for granted, and time becomes your enemy as it slips away from you.

YOU FEAR GIVING UP YOUR FREEDOM - Single people value their freedom, and especially for those who have been single for such a long time, a committed relationship threatens that freedom. If you're not ready to forgo a little freedom, then you're not ready for a relationship.

OTHER PRIORITIES ARE MORE IMPORTANT - If your priorities include going to school, taking care of a sick or elderly family member, or getting yourself together financially, then commitment isn't in the cards for you yet.

YOU FEAR BETRAYAL - You're never more vulnerable than when you're in a committed relationship. When you fully give yourself to someone, you're taking o the possibility that your partner may let you down and that can be a terrifying prospect.

YOU'RE JUST NOT READY FOR IT - Sometimes it's your circumstances, state of mind, age or other priorities (and it's ok if that's the case). Maybe you don't think you're worthy or capable of being one half of a successful relationship.

If your partner exhibits signs of "commitment phobia" through their words or actions, and you're ready to commit, you may have to let go of the relationship to give yourself what you need. Learn to let go now before you waste too much time chasing after the wrong one.

Dating Interview Questions Part 2

On Friday we talked about dating being pretty much like a job interview. Wouldn't it be just perfect if it was? Unfortunately, there are stories behind every perfected answer, and you have to learn how to read between the lines in order to find out what the truth actually is. The following should help you discover who they are in their conversation, in their character, and in their closet.

1) WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR LAST BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND?
Breakups are often messy and full of all kinds of baggage, so this question will reveal their emotional state. Furthermore you will be able to tell by their answer if they have moved on with their life or not.

2) DO YOU WANT TO GET, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED?
Nowadays you'll find someone who has been married and divorced. When you get into your late 30's chances are certain that you'll find this to be true, and they will either feel like they're ready to do it again, or never ever EVER do it anymore. Unless you share their view, you'll be wasting their time and yours too.

3) WHAT ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF IN YOUR LIFE?
This is a weighty and open ended question, and can be answered several different ways. This question is geared to give you an idea about their character, and where they place the important things in their lives.

4) WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
You can easily find out if a person is up on their literature just by finding out what they recently read, and no, the newspaper and the Internet does not count! Personalities are determined in what people read, and its a sign if they take the time to expand their mind by picking up a book.

Now these are just a few questions to ask, and I'm sure if given the time we could go through some good ones as well as some bad ones. Let me hear from you. What questions did you ask and what did you come away thinking about that person based on the answers they gave you? Let me know in the comments section, or email me at therealcakebossblog@gmail.com.

Dating Interview Questions

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: If they can't be a good example, they'll make a horrible warning...
Dating shouldn't be any different than interviewing for the job that you want, and dating someone shouldn't be any different either. After all, dating is one big interview spread out over dinner, drinks and casual conversation.

So, tell me about yourself?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
How do you handle pressure?
Why did you leave your last employer (or relationship)?

We all have questions and we need those questions answered, so what better time is there to interview than on the date itself. There are red flags that we have to be aware of, and during the interview flags are thrown all over the place. Especially when subtle mentions are made, but a persons character is best defined in the subjects they can talk about so be aware of everything! What we will be covering over the course of the next few posts are DATING INTERVIEW QUESTIONS, so prepare yourself for some hard hitting questions (some you may have heard before, others hopefully you haven't). If you have any interview questions, email me at therealcakebossblog@gmail.com and I will post the best ones to help make the date an interview, not an interrogation.

Love Hurts...

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: If it still hurts, then you still care...

Sometimes the hurt of a broken heart can reveal a completely different thing than what is seen on the surface. It just might be the indication that you care a little more than you're willing to admit. Could it be possible that your heart with its barbed wired, 12 foot electrical fence with surrounding shark infested moat is trying to tell you something? Truth is, relationships with all its splendor, fanfare and honeymoon come with its share of real disappointment, failed opportunity and dare I say even heartbreak. What we fail to realize is when we're climbing up the rough side of the relationship mountain, the feeling of the pain of heartbreak in a relationship is still....a feeling. I don't advocate anyone desensitizing themselves and becoming a heartbroken zombie thinking you have no emotions, but instead of talking about them, have you maybe tried talking TO them instead? Whether you believe it or not, the friends around you who know best can see your emotions better than you ever can. What most friends see are broken angry shells who can't admit that in all of their "I don't need them emotions" they still carry some residue of feelings for that one who broke their heart. It's okay if that is the case, but don't expect to move on towards someone else successfully while you're still carrying that luggage without checking it at the relationship counter before you board the next plane. I guess the best advise this relationship realist can offer is don't lead someone else into thinking you fully care for them if your unresolved issues aren't dealt with completely. After all, most people whose hearts have been broken are more likely to return the broken hearted favor by jumping into another relationship to mask the pain.

How Do You Know When You're Stuck?

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Never get stuck with something that ain't moving!

Today's lesson might not be the best thing for those in struggling relationships to hear, but then again, it just might be the very thing you need to read. We ALL get stuck, that's right I said it. The key is in not staying that way, so how do you do it? What is the best way to apply traction to a relationship in a standstill? You have to evaluate what isn't working as well as evaluate what does work. Ask yourself the following questions...

1) Are attempts to get better one sided, or are they equal? I don't care how many ways you attempt to get out of a rut, if both sides aren't working on it together, any fix made wont last long. A simple "how can I help make this better" can go a long way, and their answer could spark the involvement you need so it won't be so one sided.

2) Am I the match or am I the water? Some of the best made plans or ideas constructed by our partner can be either met by us with fire to consume it (yes baby lets do it), or by water to drown it (that's dumb, its not gonna work). What comes from of our own mouth can be the cause or the cure.

3) Can I actually do better by myself? The scales tip one way or the other in relationships, so when the scale goes in the wrong direction is it time to cash out? Most times people run away without asking and answering the other two questions first.

Anyone who doesn't make attempts to get un-stuck actually put the other person at risk as well. I didn't always like being stuck, and I learned lessons when I fell in my mud and wallowed in it like most pigs did. Treadmills have their purpose, but after a while all you're doing is running in place. Sometimes you need movement, a change of scenery, a different perspective before you get bored and hate the routine. Get un-stuck!

Love It Now, or Lose It Later...

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Those who don't appreciate or acknowledge the presence of real love, always end up recognizing and regretting the absence of it later.

In other words, when you have a chance at real love, don't blow it! Sometimes love takes a vacation, and doesn't come back around as often as it did before, so you have to embrace it when it makes an appearance. There were times I was full of myself in my "bastard days", I thought I would never be without love. During those times I was never without attention, but I lived my life without a real true genuine sense of love in my life for a long time. Most men have the cocky sense of believing that the attention they get equates in some way to how people must love them. Living off the attention of others will have you thinking that "you still got it", when in fact you're dying from the fact that "you don't got it at all". One of the greatest lessons learned was in order to be loved, you have to first be lovable. I can admit when I was a bastard, I couldn't BE lovable. Now don't get me wrong, I love being romantic and giving attention, but doing those things was usually assumed to come with some benefits for me at the end of the day. Which meant I wasn't doing it for her, I was doing it for me. Just a selfish bastard I was, I know. Since then I'll be the first to admit that I appreciate real love mostly because of the void of real love that I've had over my life. I've learned to become self-less by putting her needs first, instead of being selfish and just looking out for me. It took a while for it to return, but once it did, I've decided to not only embrace love but to put love in a head lock and never let go of that feeling ever again!

Fall In "Like"

Ok, after a couple of days of thinking if I went too far on my maiden blog voyage, I've slapped myself, took several deep breaths, prayed, and now its time to go on...

In my head, there are SO many lessons to share, but where do I begin? What stands out over another to justify writing a little something about it? I started this process over time with a black leather bound book I call "the cakebook". Through the years in the cakebook I wrote sayings and quick quotes and notes to share on Facebook, and depending on its response I made note of what others have overwhelmingly agreed with. So, enough  stalling....let's go!

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Just because its not what you expected, doesn't mean its not everything you've been waiting for. The truth is, love comes in so many different packages and can be perceived to be nothing when its actually the something that you really need. With patience, timing and the right words said, any coal can become a diamond when its been worked on properly. I guess the best way to practice this lesson is to fall in "like" before you fall in "love". This practice has been not only the downfall of me, but countless others as well. So how do you fall in like?
1) Listen - pay attention to everything (even the jokes have meaning).
2) Watch - character is defined over what is done when no one is paying attention.
3) Discern - don't be afraid to use your God-given intellect. Red flags are red for a reason.

More lessons tomorrow. No turning back now, we're on our way...

The Biggest Relationship Lesson of Them All

What makes me, out of all of the people in the world, an authority on relationships? To be honest, I've been married before (12 years) to a terrific woman, but I was a bastard in more ways than one. I lied, I cheated, and I destructively controlled my way out of that relationship. After two other marriages didn't last a year combined, it was time for me to think about what was I missing. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I find the answer to how to do right and more importantly, how to BE right? Then it clicked...the epiphany, the ah-ha moment, the "what you say now" moment when it all came together for me. My first ex-wife and I had several relationship books, which at the time she read more of than of than I did. Within the margins of these books, she wrote her view as to where her marriage was at the time, and most of all, what she wasn't getting from me (WOW)! I took the time to read these books from different writers, and from the wife who was giving me documented proof as to just how much of a bastard I really was. So what makes me, out of all of the people in the world, an authority on relationships? The fact that the lessons I've learned haven't made me perfect (there aren't any PERFECT relationships), but they've made me better. Better for the man I am now, and better for the man I'll be in the future. I'll share with you these lessons, and we can all learn from them together...