The Butterfly Effect in Dating

I've settled a lot in my dating career. I've said yes to that second (and third) date even when I didn’t want to. I mean hey, why not? There’s food, wine, and maybe she’ll grow on me. But here’s the thing, she never grows on me. Best-case scenario is that we develop feelings of mutual comfort. Worst-case scenario is that she increasingly repels me until I am left with no choice but to ghost her early in the game. And what never happens? She never makes me genuinely laugh out loud, or makes me anxiously check my phone every five minutes for a text that will launch me into somersaults across the living room. She never gives me butterflies.

Yes, men will never admit to this, but we get butterflies too. The nervousness in coming up with something to say, while not looking like an idiot in the process. Getting five feet from her and then losing your complete train of thought, babbling too much or not making coherent sentences. At some point, men will get tired of looking and sounding stupid, but the beginning is a very rough period. I’ve been noticing a difference in myself lately. I no longer want to even casually flirt with someone unless she makes me as stupidly excited as the sight of my first crush did when I was 12 years old. When this change first started happening, I was convinced something was wrong with me. “Am I over dating?” I thought to myself, but that’s not it at all. I’m not over dating; I’m over settling. I am perfectly capable of going out alone, and I know how to be happy on my own. The only woman I am going to be making time for from here on out is the one who gives me butterflies, and here is why...

Because they don’t last. Butterflies don’t last forever, but that’s no reason to forget about them completely. In fact, you’re going to need to remember those butterflies when you’re 15 years down the line with your partner and arguing about bills and carpools. Butterflies remind you of why you guys got together in the first place. They’re your reason for hanging on to what you have.

Because the right person is the only one who deserves commitment. I'm sure there are plenty of beautiful people out there to mess around with. That’s all well and good when you’re just having fun, but when it comes to actually committing to one person, you better make damn sure that person is the right person for you. And how can you tell? You’ll feel it. 

Because too many things in life are already mediocre. Between trips to the laundromat and your quest to make the time pass during your nine-to-five, life is filled with the mundane. Do yourself a favor, make sure your love life is not sub-par. Life is filled with plenty of boring things that don’t make you feel. Your relationship however, should not be one of them. 

Because they humble you. The person who gives you butterflies has a hold over you that is total and complete. This person makes you vulnerable, and when you’re vulnerable, you become humble. You know you don’t hold all the power. 

Because you shouldn’t have to wonder. When you’re choosing between someone who makes you want to do cartwheels whenever you speak their name, and…well, the other one, there’s no doubt as to which person you should pick. You deserve to be confident in your romantic decisions. You deserve to live blissfully in the knowledge that there’s nobody better out there for you. 

Because they remind you you’re living. Butterflies make you feel alive. The highs are so high and the lows so low, but one thing is certain: You are LIVING. Butterflies remind you that you’re a living, breathing human who can really feel things. It’s like you’ve been running on autopilot when suddenly you meet someone who puts you back in the driver’s seat. 

Because you deserve to be deliriously happy. Not content, not comfortable, not even just plain old happy. You deserve to be DELIRIOUSLY happy! You deserve to with the person who makes you smile awkwardly when you text. You deserve to be with the one who makes you laugh until your stomach hurts, even when their jokes aren’t that funny. The one who makes you feel fire even when they’re just holding your hand. You deserve to be so happy that you almost feel high.  

Because you are not obligated to be with anybody. You do not owe anybody a second date (or even a first date for that matter). If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. And if you’re not “feeling” anyone, that’s okay, too. Focus on yourself for a while. There’s no shame in that. 

Think of your love life as a blank canvas. Do you want it to be matte grey or in technicolor? I'm at the point when I flirt wit her, I see my life in 3D. Now THAT is some kind of "flirtability" worth achieving...

relationshiplessons.net

Being In Love vs. Being Attached

Is it love, or is it just attachment? We all have those friends who jump from relationship to relationship, and each time, they are “totally and completely in love.” For those of us who have been single longer than two of their relationships combined, we can’t help but wonder how someone can possibly be “in love” with all these people. I mean, come on. It’s not love, it’s fear of being alone. Right?

Yes, and no. I mean we can’t calculate love any more than we can presidential election polls. It’s just something you get a feeling about. But what if your feeling is wrong? What if you’re just so damn scared of being alone that anyone who comes close to making you feel safe and secure feels like your soul mate? You know those relationships you got out of, and after a few months, you couldn’t believe you ever said those three beautiful words to someone you wouldn’t want to be seen with today? How could you love someone so grotesque? Someone so not your type? Someone so shallow? Well, it’s usually because it wasn’t love, it was attachment.

I have no real insight in knowing if your love is real or if it’s just insecurity masked in AXE body spray, but I can give you some general pointers. They’re the kind of pointers to show your friend because maybe she’s becoming way too attached to that jerk you thought for sure would be a one-night stand. Because you don’t want to attend a wedding where the only thing the bride has to say about the groom is that “he’s always there.” And if you’re not sure about your own love motives, take a look at the list to decipher if what you’re doing is worth all the time invested.

Love is passionate; attachment is apathetic - They say the closest feeling to love is hate, hence why after you break up with someone, all that beautiful, selfless love turns into raging, passionate, inexplicable hate. When you’re just attached to someone, however, you never really get that rage. You get paranoia, anxiety and moments of irritation, but you don’t let those anxious feelings confuse you for something as beautiful and important as real hate.

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Love is selfless; attachment is self-centered - When you’re in love, it’s all about the other person. For the first time in your life, you want to put someone else’s needs before your own. When it’s just attachment, you just want someone to be there before you. You’re not looking out for him or her, you’re looking out for you. The only real reason he buys her new bedding from Bed Bath & Beyond is so you don’t have to sleep alone anymore. Everything we do for our partner is a little bit about ourselves.

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Love is hard; attachment is only difficult when you’re apart - Real love is never easy. You’d think it would be because it’s so pure and beautiful, but anything that intense and life-changing takes work. You must foster it and keep it nourished. With attachment, there’s nothing to grow and feed; it’s just about how many times you can see each other in a week. You need this person the same way you need a fix. It’s not growing, blooming or changing into another dimension. Like any drug, the high is not long-term, and you will come down.

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Love is freeing; attachment is possessive - When you’re in love, you don’t need to see the person to feel safe. You don’t need to be with this person to understand how he or she feels. You never wonder about your love’s affection and never get jealous. When it’s just attachment, you never have a true hold on your partner’s feelings because the only time you feel safe is when you’re with him or her. When you’re apart, you can’t help but wonder what he or she is doing. If they’re also just attached, doesn’t that mean they need someone to attach to?

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Love is empowering; attachment is all about power - There’s nothing like real love to make you feel like you can do anything. It gives you a new sense of freedom, a rejuvenated energy. You’re alive and ready to take on the world. When it’s just an attachment, it becomes a power struggle. You want to make sure you’re the one in the relationship who doesn’t get left. You’re the one calling the shots, and you’re the one with the key to the handcuffs.

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Love is timeless; attachment is timed - When you’re in love, and I mean really in love, that’s it. Whether it works out or not, this person will always be the love of your life. Attachment doesn’t work like that. Attachment is always on a deadline, always on standby. Attachment isn’t real, it’s like a limbo for real love. One of these days, one of you is going to find that real love and all that attachment you placed on each other will fall off as quickly as you put it on.

Real love doesn’t fall off; it stays with you forever.

Two weeks off was good for my brain (as well as my carpel tunnel). Although you haven't read anything new in a while, I' m still working behind the scenes building the brand. I think you'll be pleased with the layoff, but I'll try not to stay away for so long...

relationshiplessons.net

Why Should He Marry You?

Recently, I’ve been having a lot of conversations with women who are ready for marriage and a family. As crazy as it is that people make the decision about marriage by themselves instead of as a couple is weird to me, but I’ll set that aside for now. During the conversations, I always ask these women the same simple question, “Why should he marry you?”

The answers I hear will usually tell me everything I need to know about whether or not they’ll be successful in their goal to get and stay married. The most likely answer, “Because I’m ______ and because I'm ______. Also, because I’m ______ and because I'm ______.” You can put any quality or characteristic that people may think are important in those blanks; independent, educated, loving or pretty. Any of those will do I guess, but as soon as they answer that way, I know that almost always they’ll be unsuccessful. Why? To me it’s very simple, and it’s ironic that women haven’t realized this in the past years. As many a men (myself included) have penned posts about their failed marriages due to the fact that they didn’t love their woman for who she was, the same applies to women. Most men marry women for one of two reasons; either you let him be him, or you inspire him to be a better him. That’s the answer to the question that I always look for.

When I asked the question, one woman said “Because I love him for who he is.” I’m almost positive that a marriage is in her future. Of course, there are women who don't speak up and they let their man “be themselves” when it means they don’t have to get married or contribute. However one could argue that isn’t letting him be himself, but rather letting him be less than himself. When asked the question another woman said, “Because I want the best for him.” I’m sure she’d find luck too. I guess the whole point that we should take away from this post is when thinking about marriage, think about the other person and not just yourself. If you’re not at a point in your life where you can do that, then you probably aren’t ready for such a serious commitment.

 

This is the key to any friendship, relationship, bond or marriage. All of your qualities may seem to make you an attractive partner, but it’s really tangential to the larger point of the need to think about the other person more than yourself. And just in case you should notice that the other person doesn’t think about you as much as you think about them, then maybe you’re not in a good relationship.

I know both men and women are absolutely fatigued with watching our social media timelines filled with single people talking about how great they are but they can’t find a mate. Maybe it’s because if we were that great, we wouldn’t spend so much time talking about ourselves. With that said, before I get too far ahead of myself, I wonder how many of you can answer the question, “Why should he marry you?” the next time you’re asked.

Three years of blogging and 441 posts later, that's it for now. More lessons to come, down the road...

relationshiplessons.net

Not Broken: The State of the Relationship Address

Do you know what’s scary? Love is scary. It's scary as hell.

After spending the last 10 years of my life in unhealthy and destructive relationships, the thought of getting back out there in the relationship world is slightly terrifying. It's enough to make a lot of people say, “That’s it. Never again. I’m done.” I thought about that route for a while; and I think many people around me believed that I should put that route in my GPS and head towards it. They may be right. It’s a safer emotion, that's for sure. After all these years and all this time, especially after the demise of my last marriage which left me much more wrecked than anything I’ve ever experienced, I thought for sure I’d come out of it different. That I’d close that chapter and start a whole new book as a completely different type of character. To some extent, I have and I am, but not in the ways I thought.

Those relationships have taught me more about myself, than I ever could’ve learned any other way. I can honestly say that I am grateful for everything that happened; because without it all, I may never have made it to this point. I may have never learned my worth. I may have always settled for less than I deserved. I may have always given my heart to the wrong things and the wrong people. I may have never discovered how to be a strong enough man, standing on my own two feet. So for as ridiculous as it sounds, I’m grateful that all of it happened.

My marriages broke my heart, but the divorces eventually healed it. I stand here today changed. Strong. Valuable. Courageous. I do not stand here today with some of the labels that others expected me to carry. I’m not broken, jaded, damaged, untrusting, nor am I hardened. In fact, those parts of me that were there before, the parts that lead to some of my pain, are still very much there. Nevertheless, I am still 100% me. Even after all the damage, pain and trauma I’ve experienced, my heart is still the same one God placed in my chest when He formed me in my mother’s womb. I still trust people easily. I still believe the best of everyone. You’re still innocent until proven guilty in my eyes. I still want to find love again. I still believe it exists, and I’m still willing to try.

Now don’t get me wrong, things are different about how I will go about it this time around and I finally believe the strength of my head and my heart match, but I refuse to allow the damage of my past to dictate my future. I refuse to hole myself up and shy away from the world because I’m afraid it will hurt me again. I refuse to allow those old decisions to cloud my future. I refuse to change the core of who I am. I can’t, and trust me when I say I’ve tried. I can’t change my heart, it’s soft. I can’t change my soul, it’s hopeful and I want to keep my heart and soul that way. I’m proud of the fact that after my failed marriages, failed relationships and some absolutely heartbreaking experiences, I’m still me.

For the first time in my life, I really like me. I finally feel like I am who I’m supposed to be. God has carried me through each and every bad decision I’ve ever made. He’s been there to hold me when no one else could. He’s loved me when I was freely a bastard and unlovable. He's scooped me up off the cold hard floor of my own poor choices and he’s redeemed them all. He’s healed my heart and somehow kept His hands over it in order to keep it from changing. The parts of me that were both damaged and damaging have been cut off, and I am learning how to stand strong in my own skin. I’m learning again how to be me. 

The failures of my relationships didn’t jade me, they opened my eyes. As a matter of fact, they saved me. They allowed me to live, and be fully me. So that’s what I plan to do. I’m going to dive back into life; not impulsively and stupidly like I admittedly did before, but wisely. I’ll probably make some mistakes along the way, but those don’t scare me. Life is here to be lived. God has given me a second (or a millionth) chance. He’s got me, and He’s got you too.

I’ve learned there’s nothing wrong with me or my heart. God made me the way He made me for a very specific reason. Sure, my selfish actions have broken me before, but I’m willing to take that risk because this time around because I’m doing it now with all the broken pieces. I’m not searching for someone else to be my missing piece. I’m not broken or looking for someone else to heal me, and I am not on the hunt for someone else who is broken and in need of saving. Love is scary, and life is scary, but we may never get any of the rewards if we never stand to take any of the risks.

So if you’ve been through the hard things, and we all have, don’t stop being you because of them. Learn the lessons, make the changes, keep your eyes open and guard your heart, but don’t close it off or shut it down just because you gave it to the wrong people in the past. Give it to God first and then trust that He will help guide you to the right places. There’s nothing wrong with me, and there’s nothing wrong with you. We’ve made mistakes, as all people do, and we will likely make more. Hopefully this time we will never make the same mistakes again; but I know for sure that for me, the biggest mistake of all would be trying to harden my heart and be someone I’m not just because I’ve been hurt in the past. 

...and come to think of it, that would be YOUR biggest mistake too! 

relationshiplessons.net

Healing After Divorce (Guest Blogger)

Today's guest blogger has put it ALL out there, and she did it better than I think I ever could. The truth in her raw emotions about marriage, divorce, parenting, and the release from her "what was" while embracing her "what is", cannot be ignored. She didn't just open up, she UNLEASHED it from deep within herself to make this what I believe to be ONE OF THE BEST BLOGS I'VE READ IN 2015! I don't say this lightly, so judge it for yourself. From the blogger of "Three Boys And A Mom", here is Rachael Boley...

Throughout the past five years, I have felt a myriad of emotions toward my ex-husband. Infatuation. Obsession. Co-dependence. Love. Lust. Anger. Fear. Hate. Disgust. Apathy. Sadness. The list goes on. Every emotion that exists, I have felt them all. When we separated a year and a half ago, I felt like an exposed nerve, just a fleshless soul walking around with everything showing. I felt everything and there was nothing to cover my naked bones. Nothing to stop that raw ache from pulsing through my body.

I knew from the get go that there would be no way around any of it. The only way out was through. Skinless, exposed, broken, bleeding. I had to just walk through the fire. It hasn’t been a pretty process, but in its own way it’s really been quite beautiful. It doesn’t feel beautiful when you’re going through it though. When you’re walking around in the world with no skin on, every time the wind blows, you wince. Every time someone touches you, you want to scream. Every time you move, you’re reminded of what’s missing. But eventually, your skin starts to grow back. For a long time I believed that in some areas of my life and body, I would always feel skinless. I thought it would always be painful and parts of me would never fully heal. I’m amazed that just a year and a half after having my flesh ripped off, I stand before you today fully covered.

You don’t have to ache forever. Now that doesn’t mean that just because my skin has covered my nerves again I never feel any of those painful emotions connected to my past. The truth is that something like divorce does change and affect you forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to ache forever. It doesn’t mean you will always feel like you’re walking around with a gaping gunshot wound to the head and chest as you desperately try to cover yourself with Band-Aids. There actually is healing—real healing. Real freedom. Real redemption. Even if the reality of the story never gets any better, you can.

I had lunch with my ex-husband this week. I sat across from him knowing all the facts of our life at this point. I looked at him for the first time with no feelings of anger, remorse, regret, resentment, disdain, or expectation. I sat there with this man who has dropped the ball in every possible way and felt nothing but peace. We talked like old friends. We laughed. He told me about his new relationship. We sat together without the unachieved expectations, without the boiling pressure that existed in our marriage, and without any feelings of ownership for each other. While it is disappointing to have to accept the fact that the father of your children only sees his kids once a month and only pays his own selected amount of child support if he has any left over cash that month, it simply is what it is.

Decide what you’re going to hold onto. I have learned throughout this last year that holding onto negative feelings, whether warranted or not, is simply not useful. My anger is not going to make him be the man I want him to be for his sons. My resentment is not going to make money appear in my account. My unforgiveness is not going to change any of the facts. It’s only going to steal my peace, my joy, and my life. I can no longer afford to give him that much power over me. I have learned through this relationship that love and hate are not opposites. You cannot hate someone who you don’t also love. Each of those emotions is birthed out of a deep passion for someone or something, just on opposite ends of the spectrum. I realized this week that when I stopped hating him, I also stopped loving him-at least in the same way I did before. Because of that, my heart is healing.

He’s the father of my children, that fact will never change. I will always hold a type of love for him as the person who gave me the greatest gift of my life. Although I do not respect the way he has stood in that role, I can respect that it is because of him that I get to stand fully in my role as a mother. Today I don’t hold that same raw, throbbing ache of wrecked love that I had for so long. My chest no longer feels like its being squeezed every time I see him. I no longer want to punch walls when another weekend goes by that he hasn’t seen his children.

Now and then, and then and now. It doesn’t make me physically ill anymore knowing that he has moved onto another relationship. In fact, I almost feel actively happy for him. That’s a normal part of this process. At some point, everyone moves forward. Or at least, that’s the hope. I have fully released him. He’s the father of my children but that’s where it ends. How he chooses to fulfill that role is his responsibility, not mine. How he chooses to spend his money is his responsibility, not mine.

Yes, there is an injustice in the fact that he gets to do some of what he does and have no consequences from it on the surface. But the reality is that there are much deeper consequences than what meets the eye. Whether the legal system ever holds him responsible for his children and whether he ever rises to the level I hope he will for the sake of my sons, it is him who will have to live with those choices. It is him who will have to look our sons in the eye when they are older and answer for his decisions. It is him who has to lay his head on his pillow each night and live with whatever he does or doesn’t do in this life.

One of my biggest mistakes in our marriage was owning too much of that responsibility for him. It was never mine to hold. Not then, and not now. I have no control over what he does. All I have control over is me. I can be the kind of mother my sons deserve and live my life in such a way that they will be proud of me as they grow up. I can do my best each and every day and provide the kind of example they need to hopefully grow up to become strong, courageous men of the world. I can stand in my truth and allow him to stand in his. And I can release him from the grip of those crippling emotions that used to hold so much power over my life and live freely in the healing that comes from that release.

I’m not happy that he’s chosen the path he has as a father. I’m still sad sometimes about what that may mean for my sons as they grow up. But I have learned to accept the reality of what is rather than holding onto the hope of what could or should be. There are scars on my skin from my past. There are consequences I haven’t even seen yet. But there is freedom and there is healing despite the pain of the past; and today, that’s where the beauty lies.

relationshiplessons.net 

Keep It Classy In Your Closure

Loneliness is one of the most difficult aspects of being single. I thought my loneliness was profound. I can’t help but laugh at my naivety because the loneliness you feel when a relationship ends cannot even compare. One aspect about my last marriage that always seemed intense was how fast we moved. By our third date, I knew it was the real thing, and by the third month, we were in a committed relationship, and we married three years later.

When a man crosses paths with a woman who is capable of straightening him out, a strange rewiring occurs. Of course, not all men need to be “straightened out,” but before I met my last ex wife I was, as a former coworker once labeled me, “A hot ass mess.” Don’t get me wrong; I was employed, working on plenty of ideas to advance my personal goals, writing and enjoying my life. However, I was also lazy, lacked purpose and struggled with motivation. When I met my soon-to-be girlfriend, all of that changed. For the first time in my life I met a woman who I felt was worth fighting for, and for the time being, I had found my purpose in her.

The thing that confused me the most about our relationship was the fighting. Of course, no relationship will be daisies and rainbows all the time, and fighting is normal. However, when there is total harmony between you and your partner, fights can sometimes feel like a blind-side football tackle. One of the toughest lessons I learned as my ex and I moved through tumultuous times was to not break up while in a fight. So, what was particularly difficult about the end of my relationship was that we weren’t fighting anymore. We were in a normal, day-to-day state. However, I knew in the back of my mind I wasn’t seeing the future of us anymore.

We divorced after bitterness and indifference settled in, but that didn’t make it easy. Counter-intuitively, it was hard not to question my decision because I didn't make it in a sound state of mind. Instead, like many others, I relied on anger or frustration to motivate my lack of good judgement. It took me through a hard lesson because at that point of my life, I thought I knew better. Still, it’s rewarding to know my relationship ended and now we're on good terms. In the future, I may even get the chance to catch up and enjoy her company again. At the end of my marriage with her (which lasted maybe a year in total), I learned these five rules to executing and maintaining a classy breakup:

1. Commit - This goes for both men and women: If you could not commit to the idea of being in a relationship with your lover, then commit to the idea of not being with him or her. For most couples, it’s easy to fall back into each others arms the moment loneliness strikes, but you’re simply cheating yourselves. When you make the decision to end a relationship, understand and embrace that it is truly the end, no matter how much it hurts. Then, you must challenge yourself to never speak to that person again. That sounds intense, but opportunities may come up down the line to reconnect. However, the wounds must heal first. It’s essential any contact with your ex isn’t driven by a desire to get back together, to search for closure or to simply feel something. Rather, contact should only be initiated if you have fully and truly moved on. For many, it’s possible that time may never come. Embrace it.

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2. Stop searching for closure - I was unprepared for the finality losing my lover and friend. After a few good cries and some absurdly long showers contemplating the demise of my relationship, I finally came to understand not everyone gets closure. Few relationships are neatly wrapped up like a bow on a Christmas present. Endings are painful, and it was particularly shocking for me after I experienced my first “honeymoon” phase. Accepting that closure may not be in the cards for you is hard, but that realization initiates the healing phase.

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3. Heal in a positive way - Personally, I’m not the type to go out and have crazy, meaningless sex or to turn to drugs and alcohol anymore. Rather, I will just toil in a potent cocktail of self-loathing and depression. When my relationship ended, days started to blend together. I felt that core, hallmark feeling of depression I had felt before: helplessness. I think my saving grace was the gym. I’m no fitness expert (and my diet sucks), but pushing myself through a few workouts while blasting powerful music really helped me heal. 

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4. Don’t look back in anger - A failed relationship is a failed relationship, and ultimately, it takes two people to bring it down (most of the time, anyway). An immature concern of mine after my relationship ended was publicly establishing who broke up with who. When I found out from friends of my ex that word had spread I had broken up with her, I was elated. “That’s right, I broke it off!” Looking back, I am borderline ashamed of my childlike mindset. Ultimately, my desire to publicly define the breakup came from my insecurity of what other people thought of me. I didn’t want to be looked down on for being broken up with. I wanted to be respected for having initiated the act myself. In reality, my time should have been spent trying to understand where I had failed my ex as a husband and how I could improve upon those failures in the future.

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5. Understand the price of love - In the classic movie, “Annie Hall” by Woody Allen, I spent 90 minutes exploring a relationship from its formation to its demise. As the movie came to a close, the couple having been broken up for some time, Alvy (Woody Allen) unexpectedly runs into his former lover, Annie (Diane Keaton). They decide to grab a cup of coffee, and as they share laughs and effortlessly rediscover their old chemistry, the movie transitions into a montage, as it runs through memories of their relationship. After the montage, Alvy begins to narrate, “After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was, and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I thought of that old joke…”

“I thought of that old joke, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well, why don’t you turn him in?’ The guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.'”

Alvy concludes his narration, “Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships; you know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.”

That ending has always haunted me. The idea that you can love someone so deeply, only to become nothing more than a stranger is terrifying. However, watching “Annie Hall” after my last marriage ended was unexpectedly different because I felt as if I had grown with Alvy. I felt comfortable with my understanding of the madness and the irresistibly addictive nature of relationships. With that understanding, I discovered the closure I had been searching for. Of course, it wasn’t entirely satisfying. I learned it may never be, but I felt like I could finally close the proverbial door of my failed relationship. I’d be lying if I said I don’t often turn around and stare at the closed door of that relationship as a montage of my own relationship runs through my head. At that point, it’s tough to resist reaching out for the doorknob...

relationshiplessons.net 

Mistakes Made In The Dating Game

Dating, as many women will tell you, can be a great big steaming pile of suck.

Men can be so rude, so thoughtless. They text you late at night with one thing on their minds. Or they don’t text at all. They’re losers. They’re players. They’re immature. They’re assholes.

Ok, I'll give you that, but what about women?

It’s easy to point your finger in the male direction for the general demise of dating, but that overlooks a solid half of the equation. And frankly, I’ve seen some dating behaviors that makes me think women might be earning more than their half the blame.

• A friend arranged to meet an online date who drove an hour and a half to take her to dinner. She showed up 20 minutes late, with an entourage of girlfriends in tow. She then told him she’d already eaten and she and her posse left 15 minutes later when she decided he was boring. She never saw the guy again. 
• A friend told me about a woman he went out with, who spent the entire second date talking about how she was still in love with her ex and then let him pick up the tab.
• Another friend said “yes” to a guy she had zero interest in because she couldn’t afford to eat out and he’d offered to treat. Then, she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.
• One woman showed up for a blind date, but when she caught sight of the guy carrying a few more pounds than promised, she bailed before he saw her.

Women slam men for minor imperfections (one friend immediately dismissed a nice guy she met at a park because “he had Hobbit feet”) even imperfections women would want men to overlook in them, like bad breath or a beater car or the absence of a six-pack (or any pack). Women ghost them after a few dates; or worse, sometimes in the midst of an actual relationship.

One friend of mine rules guys out after about two minutes, based on their initial conversation, depending on whether they were wordy or nerdy or dumb. But you know what? Dating is terrifying! Is it so hard to imagine someone who’s nervous about meeting you, might have temporary verbal diarrhea, or that he might inadvertently try to show off his encyclopedic knowledge of Marvel movies? Or that he just might be unable to come out with anything remotely witty? God knows, I’ve had plenty of dates where I couldn’t seem to shut up about inane things. When I’m nervous, sometimes I let the verbal faucet run. But give me a few minutes to relax and I can actually be fairly interesting. As are most of us, if we take the time to get to know someone.

I’m not saying giving every guy a chance will result in true love, but at least you’ll find out by seeing who he actually is when he’s not worried about what kind of snap judgment you might be making. Frankly, the best guys don’t always burst out of the gate at top speed. Sometimes the sprinters flame out before the finish line. It’s the slow, steady ones who win the race.

Our standards can be insanely high from date one. Who can offer their best in the swipe-left, knee-jerk dismissals most of us make on the spot? How do you even know who this person is? Look, I’ve done a lot of dating. I know that after a while, you grow armor to protect yourself against some of the appalling things people do in the dating world. 

I’ve seen guys openly scope out another woman’s boobs while sitting at a table with their date. One woman ignored me for half the entire date because her cell phone didn’t stop ringing, and she didn’t stop answering it. She texted me a lame apology hours later, in the middle of the night. Another woman stopped seeing me after some months of getting to know each other when I told her I was becoming attracted to her. You get defensive, you do, but to turn around and do that to someone even if it feels like a solid preemptive move, isn’t the way to find someone who won’t do those things. There really is such a thing as karma. I'm a living relationship witness; if you’re crappy to someone, I promise you, sooner rather than later, someone is going to be crappy to you. And while I'm on my mini blogger-rant, having a string of guys in your past who did you wrong doesn’t give you retroactive credit to pay the nasty forward. That’s like painting every new guy you meet with the same dirty, matted, old and tangled brush. 

If you want someone who is considerate, kind, thoughtful and real, it would help you were to be all of those things yourself. Here's the kicker, you can't just be that with the one who proves to be that magical man, you have to be that with all of the men you go out with. And you can't just be that way with your girlfriends. You have to be that way with everyone, just as you are hoping your mythical perfect guy would be.

Like attracts like and you get what you give. If you find yourself complaining about all the jerk canoes you’ve been meeting, maybe it’s time to check the way you’ve been dipping your own oars. I'm not saying, but I'm just saying...

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