The Five Boundaries for Single Parents

Within the last month here in Chicago, there has been some of the most tragic and disturbing news told of the death of two children by the hands of non custodial parents. Abuse happens throughout Chicago, America and the world every single day but I'd be derelict in my responsibilities as a father and a relationship coach if I didn't address this in some kind of way. Not everyone is who they seem to be, which means you have to DO YOUR WORK when it comes to being informed and protecting your child or children. With that said, here are my five single parent dating boundaries.

1. Guard your privacy. If you go on a date with someone you don’t really know, don’t tell them where you live or let him meet me at your home. This is true for anyone that isn’t introduced to you by someone you know well, and who knows them well. If a man or woman can’t handle this, they're either too insecure or too shady to be dating, and they shouldn’t even get the first date.

2. Do your research. It's ok to be a bit more cautious here, because some have had a tough experience of having a different image presented compared to the reality. For single parents, it’s now important to independently verify a person’s character. A second date means, ‘This relationship is worth exploring.’ Exploring means that you want to find out if this can turn into a fantastic life partnership. That’s the whole purpose of dating. You're not interested in casual dating relationships, those are called "friends", and they definitely don’t involve romance. It used to be hard to independently verify a person’s character, but in the day and age of the Internet, it’s fairly easy. If you know anyone who has known them for a long time, start by asking their opinion of his character. Also do a search engine query on his name to see what turns up. Be willing to hear their explanation on what you find. What organizations does he belong to? What information appears on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, the news? Better to be safe than sorry.

3. Don’t introduce him to the kids until you're reasonably sure there’s a good chance of a lifetime partnership. Why would you want to let your kids get attached to someone they might lose? Eventually you’ll want to know how your children get along with them, but until you know how YOU get along with him or her, keep the kids out of it. And what if your child gets attached to them and then you break up? They’ll be heart-broken too. The fairest thing to all concerned is not to cross that bridge until there’s an expressed desire from both of you to work towards a lifetime commitment. That means at least 9 months of dating, as a rule of thumb, because you can’t even form a reasonable opinion of their character and prospects as a partner in less time than that. If they thought they could judge your character more quickly than that, you should question their judgment too.

4. When you do introduce him or her to the kids, start with group events. Try to look for low pressure situations in which there are several other adults or families present. You might throw a party, or go on an outing with several other friends, but try to make sure there are several friends your children’s age included in the activity. It lets the introduction happen more gradually and naturally. He or she is simply another friend for a while, and you build gradually toward having him or her join you by themselves.

5. Don’t have a man or woman spend the night. You shouldn’t want your minor children to see a man or woman who’s neither their father or mother, nor your husband or wife in your bed. I feel it would be confusing and painful for them. Besides, it’s your children's house and their personal space too, and they have a right to feel comfortable. I think it’s okay to have someone you're serious about come over, eat a meal with you, and hang out for a while but not all night, and not every night.

So what do you think? Are my dating boundaries impossibly old-fashioned? Do you have similar boundaries? Do you have other important boundaries you’d add to the list?

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