You Get Wiser When You Get Older

I usually have a standing breakfast engagement with a group of women on Sunday mornings. During one particular meeting I asked the room full of women to take out a sheet of paper and fold it in half. On one side of the paper I asked them to write down the reason(s) why you stopped talking to, stopped dating, or even stopped being married to any man they’ve ever been with. On the other side of the paper, I asked them to write down the things that really matter to them now, based on what happened to them back then. Surprisingly, they all noticed how drastically shorter the list was on one side. I told them as time goes on, sometimes we realize that the things we were really upset with, weren’t all that serious to begin with. Not in all cases, but in some.

I recently had a conversation with my mother, and I don’t typically talk a lot about marriage with her but that day was an exception. When we spoke, I told her that a lot of the reasons why things don’t work out when you’re younger is because of immaturity. However, at my age when I’m doing something wrong, I know. I am fully aware when I’m being a bastard, insensitive, or any other generally messed up thing that people in relationships do. I also told her that the older I get, the more I realize that marriages are about wanting to be married more than being in love. Love fluctuates throughout your marriage; some days are better than others. Going back to the opening of this post, the real reason why you broke up with most of those people was because you just didn’t want to be in the relationship. Relationships, on their own ability, are strong enough to withstand anything. 

On your sheet of paper you might have listed infidelity, but now you realize that he is a good guy and always made you somewhat happy. I asked the group of women the following question: If he had promised not to cheat again and didn’t cheat again, could you be happy right now? I always urge couples when they’re going through a breakup, to think about what this situation will look like in 10 years. Will you really be as upset about it as you are right now? The answer is almost always no. When you remove the temporary anguish and embarrassment, most times you could have probably stayed together.

Here's a reminder and public service about relationships, which might not have anything to do with today's blog: Stop telling everybody your damn business! Situations that arise in your relationship would be much easier to work through if your friends didn’t know all the details of it...

Okay, back to our story. On your sheet of paper might have been a list of silly reasons. I was picky when I was young. Now, I want two things: confidence and consistency. I once broke up with a woman because I felt like she talked too much. I would later realize that in reality she could talk as much as she wanted if she held me down. And last I recently told a younger friend of mine when he tried to explain to me why he was having second thoughts about getting engaged to his girlfriend; “Listen, you’ll take crazy over insecure any day of the week, believe me on that”.

I guess the point is, as you get older you don’t lower your standards; you get wiser. You’re more selective, but you’re willing to try more. You start to focus on what really is a deal breaker. What could you simply not live with? What could you simply not live without? You’ll look at that sheet of paper and there will be a moment of clarity for each one of those guys who you think did you wrong. Maybe you'll realize in some of those times, you did you wrong...

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