3:04 am... This is usually the hour when your mind processes years of rejection. Never
fitting in growing up, low self-esteem at the lunch table in middle school.
Punched holes in the wall and tears on the pillow case. You analyze how you
could have texted that girl differently who stopped responding. The day hasn’t
even begun, and you’re already exhausted. What’s the point? Why even get out of
bed? Why even try when you feel like you’ve been trying your whole life, only
to be met by a slap in the face? The easy answer is, “It gets get better.”
But what if it has to get worse first?
What if you’re supposed to get rejected 100 more times before you get a
girlfriend? What if you have to go on 10 more crappy first dates before you get
a second date? Would you still do it? It’s tempting to go for the quick fix.
Alcohol, drugs, level another Call of Duty character to 100, look up articles on
the internet and go to bed. Lather, rinse and repeat. What does it take for
awakening? Where’s our movie scene where our best friend comes in, flips the
bed over and tells us it’s time to go out there and kick some ass? Sometimes
you get an awakening. Sometimes you have to snap yourself out of it.
In the darkest hour, you still have a choice. For you, maybe that means you go for a walk for 20 minutes today instead of
spending time looking at pointless YouTube videos to try to numb yourself. Schedule
lunch with a friend; preferably go with someone who makes you laugh. Tell them
you are having a hard time getting a date so they can make a joke about it.
Sign up for an improv class and learn to get outside of yourself instead of
constantly sitting with your thoughts.
Focus on one thing at a time. Anyone can shake off one bad day. But a series of bad days? If you’ve gotten
to the point where you think, “I’m going to be alone forever.” Then
you’ve had a series of bad days. Trust me, I’ve been there multiple times. To
shake off a series of bad days, you have to have a series of good days. A
series of good days starts with one good day, and one good day starts with
making one better decision than yesterday. That means breaking habits that
don’t serve you. Cut out friends who bring you down, put the bottle down, get
some exercise, no more soda, start a journal, meditate and think of all the
things you are grateful for. Pick one and do that for a week, then pick
something else. Lather, rinse and repeat. Over time you’ll discover that you’ve
slowly made several better decisions that take the weight off feeling like crap
all the time. The time you used to spend sulking in your own misery has been
replaced by a workout class. The time you wanted to eat a whole pizza alone and
watch reruns has been replaced by going on a walk with your friends.
Build yourself. This isn’t referred to enough in the dating world, but having a life outside
of dating is incredibly important. There’s a huge difference between women
turning you down when you are healthy, have friends, have a decent job, have
fun hobbies and are happy, than when you are depressed and looking for someone
to fill the void. The “no” will feel like a light sting if you have your life
together, but the “no” will feel like the world is going to end when you are
depressed and lonely. So much of dating advice is packaged as, “Say this, do
that” because it’s a quick fix. Telling someone to take a look at all the areas
of their life and slowly build them up doesn’t sell, and it’s not blogging sexy,
but it’s one of the most important parts of being attractive to women.
You’re unique, your fear isn’t. I had a conversation with two friends this week. Both are incredibly lonely
in their lives and feel totally lost about what path to take next. One wants to
end his life, another keeps moving from city to city to run from their
problems. Both mentioned how they feel alone and that their problems are
unique. When life sucks, it’s easy to think we’re alone with our problems. I’ve
found this is never the case. Sure, maybe your situation is unique but the pain
and suffering you are enduring has been had by many before you. Pain is the
bonding agent for humans. Pain is why we laugh at comedians. Talking about how
we’re going through a tough time is how we connect with people on a deeper
level. Have you ever seen a movie where the main character was perfect and had their
life together? If you have, that movie probably sucked.
Insanity. A guy I used to work for told me he just spent another $10,000 on equipment
to try to save his business. His problem isn’t having more equipment, it’s
another issue entirely. Last weekend I went to a local casino for the first
time, and saw people so far down in debt they stayed up all night just to try
to win it back. I got emails from a few readers saying they spent the last
month trying to meet women online and it’s not working. It’s easy to point the
finger and say, “I’d never do something like that”, but we all do that. We’re
all emotional human beings with hopes, fears and dreams. When we want the pain
of a failing business to go away, we’ll blow money left and right to try to
save it. When we want the feeling of a woman’s touch, we’ll copy and paste the
same message to every match we get online hoping that just one will respond. When
our emotions get dialed up, we turn into a dog chasing its own tail in search
for nirvana. We start to get delusional, thinking our one approach to the
madness is going to solve it all. It’s not our fault everyone else doesn’t
understand us. We convince ourselves by saying “If I just keep trying this
same thing, eventually it will work.”
Insanity doesn’t end in a pretty way. That’s why it helps to have friends. I
know when I start to get really down or sad, I can’t rely on myself. Even when
I want to hide in my introverted world, sometimes more often than not, I ask for
help. My friends say I’m going to drive myself insane, then I wake up and stop.
Even if you’re in the absolute worst place in your life, you’re still
allowed to choose what to do. I remember nights laying in bed loaded on
painkillers, thinking about how much I wanted peace. Every day felt like chaos
and a colossal waste of time. The only thing I made myself do since that day was put one
foot in front of the other each day, every day. It didn’t have to be pretty, and I didn’t need
to change the world. I just needed to change myself, and you can change too…
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