This Is Why I Love Her...

I admit, I can be one of the most ridiculously emotional, over- the-top romantic saps out here sometimes. I'm going somewhere, so give me a little room to express myself... 

Do you remember when you were in love? I mean the kind of love that made you look completely stupid, but you felt like you were doing the most epic stuff ever? I remember when I told my ex-wife I loved her after a few dates. I still remember her reaction. She said the one word that makes men cringe when they put themselves out there not knowing what her response will be. She kinda gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile, followed by an "awwwww. " Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

I wasn’t heartbroken by her response. I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me, but as time went on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t. 

Admittedly, I married this woman I was in love with quicker than I was ready for, and life as a result did its thing: It started sucking away the emotion of love that I thought I had for her. I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion burning, but it got harder and harder. I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last $20 in your bank account? How can you feel it when you get into argument after argument?

There was no way I could keep that fire burning as "practicality" invaded our lives. At first, it drove me nuts. That excitement of emotion was how I knew I cared for her! Life was suddenly this grind, even when I was with her, especially when I was with her. And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated. We eventually divorced, and life went on, or so I thought.

Our path would cross again, and with a little maturity and a lot of counseling, we were able to live our lives and be cordial at the same time. After apologizing and having a few good long conversations, I realized it wasn’t that she did not give me any love, it just seemed to come at different times and in different ways. It took me longer than I cared to admit to understand what was happening, but I think it had an effect on me. 

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening, and God made me aware of a few things. At an MS benefit walk for my sister, she came out to walk with me. Going back to college to get my first degree, she became my biggest cheerleader. When my mother had what was thought to be a heart attack, she was the one I called who got me through it emotionally. When she got her Masters degree, I was the proudest man alive. Her ups were my ups, and her downs became my downs too. I was only a phone call away whenever she needed a laugh, or a shoulder, or a getaway, or even a wine glass, she knew where to find me.  

And after each time, there would be this look she would give. This look of absolute love. A look I have learned not to judge her over, but one that was soft and beautiful to witness. And eventually it became clear, through giving and doing things for her, the emotion that I had been desperately seeking naturally came about. It wasn’t something we could force, just something that would come about as a result of our giving to each other. In other words, it was in the "practicality" that I found the love I was looking for.

What is even more interesting is that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey in our own way.

As I’m a bit older now and a bit more experienced in relationships, I finally came to realize something; It's something that I did not want to admit for a long time, but it is now undeniable.

I thought loved her after the first few dates, but I didn't.

I thought loved her when we got engaged, but I didn't.

I really thought I loved her when we got married, but not even then.

I was finally able to love her after the divorce. 

I say this because love to me isn’t an emotion anymore. That fire I felt was simply the emotional fire from the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry, but it wasn’t love.

Love isn’t an emotion or even a noun, it’s a verb. Love is best defined as giving, as putting someone else’s needs above your own. Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her, it was for ME and the emotion I had in my chest. Realistically, it wasn't love even when I let it out of my chest.

Being sappy isn’t love, and telling someone you love them doesn’t always mean that you do. That’s why my she just gave me that half-smile the first time. She knew even when I didn’t know what love really was, and now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger.

From movies, to one of my favorite shows like The Office, to practically every love song from the 90's ever released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married. Once its been had, somehow that emotion is supposed to magically stay within a marriage forever.

I can’t imagine a bigger lie, and I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long. I'm saddened more at how much I’m sure those same messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well.

I think this might be a big part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating. Imagine a country of people trying to live up to their favorite romantic movie.

This is a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50 percent divorce rate, for people who stay together to simply live functional but loveless marriages. It’s sad to see just how common all of it is.  How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to. Those people deserve better. We ALL deserve better. It’s time that we changed the narrative about love. It’s time that we redefine it because adultery will continue to be common, loveless marriages will continue to exist, and the divorce rate will continue to pick off those who are too frustrated to care.

Until next time, change your narrative...