The other day, I realized that I’ve learned some of my best
relationship lessons from some of my worst relationships. Sometimes good
relationships end simply because you’re not meant to be, or the timing
isn’t right, or some other arbitrary factor completely out of your
control triumphs. Other times you become a better partner because of
the relationships that failed. Today, I want to share some of the good
lessons I learned from my relationships that didn’t last.
#5 Its OK to Fight - If you follow my blog, then you know I used to never
argue, but that wasn't always the case. If I felt an argument brewing, I would simply opt out,
become dismissive, passive aggressive, or a combination of all three...but the one thing I wouldn’t do was argue. There are a few reasons I
wouldn’t do this: 1) I don’t like to argue as it is. 2) I thought
arguing meant the relationship was over. 3) Most importantly for me, I didn’t know how to
argue like an adult, and that is a hard thing to admit. Have you ever gotten into a heated debate
with someone and the FIRST thing they say to you is already TURNT UP? I
mean, how in the world do you START an argument at a 10? That doesn’t make sense.
Some people start every argument like it’ll be the last one they’ll ever
have or they will apologize later like that disregards all the horrible
things they said to you earlier. Ummm no it doesn't. I didn’t like to argue
but as a result, by the time I finally got angry enough to say
anything, I wasn’t trying to have a civilized discussion, or talk about the
issue at hand, or resolve anything. I was in it to “win” it. Whatever finally came out of my mouth was meant to dismiss you or shut
you up, but it definitely wasn’t meant to continue the conversation. Over the years, I’ve learned that small, controlled burns are better
than scorched Earth, so if I have a problem, I'll bring it up rather than hold
it in until I’m ready to go nuclear. In other words, I give the person
I’m with an opportunity to know what’s bothering me, to discuss it, and
possibly correct it rather than simmer silently while they do a lot of
small little things that eventually make me blow up in a fit of rage.
It’s a simple, yet novel approach.
#4 Some Exes Are Exes For a Reason - One of the greatest appreciations I have is knowing that some of the women I once had a relationship with and even married, didn't become a mother by me which would've pushed me further away from "the one" I was supposed to be with. It may sound selfish, but you really had to be there at the time to appreciate it then like I appreciate it now. Unfortunately, things happen in life that
are completely outside of your control and you’ll never truly move
forward if you don’t accept this fact. In order to move forward, I
had to accept the closure of past relationships, regardless of how they
ended, because reconciling how a relationship ended isn’t always as
important as accepting the fact that the relationship has ended. From
there, you can truly begin to move forward and find the happiness you
want, and hopefully recognize what you (and they) deserve.
#3 I Am The Common Factor - Like most young men, I went through a “women ain't sh*t phase.”
However in reality, I was attracting and dating a like-pattern of
ain't-sh*t women because I was less than sh*t myself. The common factor
was me, but because no one likes to hold a mirror up to themselves I
felt more comfortable projecting my insecurities and blame onto everyone
but myself. You settle for the types of relationships you think you
deserve. Eventually, instead of blaming these women for acting less than
lady like, I took a look at myself and began asking the right question:
why did I keep going after the same type of promiscuously inclined
women in the first place? After some much needed self-reflection, I
realized that if I wanted a good woman in my life, I should probably
stop settling for anything less than a good woman.
#2 Accept People As They Are - Back in the day, I used to think: “she’d be a good woman for me if
only she _________”. This mindset was flawed from the beginning. In contrast I
should have accepted women as they were, and if she changed for the better...then
great, but if she never changed at all, I would be fine with that too.
This is referred to as dating the “potential person” rather than the
person standing right in front of you. Neither way is really wrong but
I’ve found the better route for me is to accept a woman as she is
instead of waiting for who she might be.
#1 Relationships Aren't Easy - Contrary to popular belief, although they shouldn’t feel like a job,
relationships take work. When you’re single, you can do whatever you
want, whenever you want, however you want and as long as what you’re
doing isn’t illegal. It really doesn’t matter what you do, because
you’re not going to have much impact on anyone beyond yourself. When
you’re in a relationship, if you’re financially or emotionally reckless
within a relationship, it no longer just impacts you. Your actions or
in-actions can (and usually do) have a direct impact on your partner.
Realizing this took a certain level of maturity that I lacked when I was
younger, whether I was in or out of a relationship, I didn’t change
very much because I championed the BS statement that “I shouldn’t have
to change.” I became a better man when my first thoughts weren’t about
myself but they became centered first and foremost on the relationship. Since as the name implies, a relationship is about two people not just
me as an individual. It’s true, I shouldn’t have to change, but if I didn’t want
to change, I either wasn’t ready to be in a relationship or I wasn’t in
a relationship with the right person. It took me a long time to realize
the subtle difference. This lesson will become more important as the
impact of my decisions affect more and more people in the form of a family I hope to one day be a part of again one day...
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