Questions and Answers

Feel free to send me your questions, comments or concerns to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com. Keep in mind that most, if not all questions asked will be published on the blog along with an answer...

Dear Relationship Lessons,

I've been talking to this guy for about 4 months now. We hit it off at the beginning. There wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that I didn’t hear from him. From the moment I met him, I knew he was a good person. I was attracted to him because he was a lot like me: shy, quiet, very honest, God fearing and respectful. I felt something “different” with him that I couldn’t explain. Right when I was excited about a potential relationship, he drops the “I’m not ready for a relationship” bomb on me. I was ready to cut things off completely, but he insisted that he wanted to remain friends. I agreed to it but not without making it clear that I am interested in a committed relationship with someone, not a casual one. Fast forward, we have not consummated our relationship (although my flesh has been screaming) and things have been moving at a pretty good rate.

But here is my problem: he recently fell off the face of the earth. Communication has never never been an issue with us. If I ever have a problem, I can bring it up to him and he’ll answer any concerns that I have. When I inquired about some rumors that had been going around, he explained to me that he was going through something he could not discuss, and that he hasn’t spoken to anyone. He assured me that in time I would understand but he couldn’t get into the details. I live in a college town, so when somebody in the “black community” drops off the scene, everyone knows what that means. After a little investigation, I got confirmation that there is a great possibility he is pursuing membership into an organization.

At this point, I’m tired of this. I feel like I’m always contacting him just to be ignored. Even despite everything that is going on, he can find time for his boys. Somehow I don’t fit it in the picture anymore. Should I just drop this dude? He already said he doesn’t want a relationship, so I don’t even see the point of me waiting. And if I do let him go, should I do it quietly or should I make it clear to him that I’m not trying to play games? A part of me is afraid to let go because he possesses every trait I look for in my HUSBAND. I don’t want to make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions, but I don’t want these chicken heads to have the luxury of meeting such an amazing person either. Currently he’s acting like the all the lame dudes from my past, which is making me think he might not be so “perfect” after all. Can you help me?

I think this is one of those situations where you kind of know the answer but you are looking to me for confirmation. So I will lay out the basics. First off, you guys were “talking” for 4 months and he already let you know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he wanted to be friends (to which you agreed). I would’ve said he just wants your draws with no strings attached, but you’re not being physical, so that isn’t a real cause. I see that you have an issue with his communication dropping off over the last few weeks. Being a member of an "organization" myself, I have to admit I chuckled a bit when you described his sudden disappearance from civilization. I’ve heard this story before. You say he has time for his boys and not for you, but I can say that if he’s “busy” with things organizationally related, he may have time for them out of necessity, but not for you. That doesn’t diminish the importance of him keeping you in the loop, but he might have different priorities lined up. 

On another note, if you guys are just friends, then why are you worried that he hasn’t contacted you? Are you holding out false hope that there can still be a future for you two aside from a friendship? I think it’s more of a delusion on your end. You accepted his membership into the friend zone, but you still mentally treat your relationship as if its otherwise when he clearly doesn’t do the same. You guys spoke on the situation and came to an agreement, so if you are getting upset about actions that shouldn’t upset you, then the problem is more with you than with him. Now, you didn’t give any indication that he was leading you on in any way, so I can only form an opinion based on what you wrote. My suggestion is to move on and find someone who is more in line with what your relationship goals are. If you still want to be friends with dude, then cool, but romantically you should look elsewhere. It isn’t healthy to play house when your love interest doesn’t even want to rent...

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Pursuing vs Being Pursued (Guest Blogger)

I've been really fortunate to have some great writers send me their view on relationships, and where they are in their process of finding the right relationship. Today is no different when it comes to great writers. I've been after this one for a while since she launched her own blog not that long ago called "Lips for Jesus: Hues & Hallelujahs". Don't let the name fool you, she has some of the best work I've seen in a while, so check her out at lipsforjesus.blogspot.com or facebook.com/lipsforjesus. So without any further ado, let me introduce you to Brandi Williams.  

A few months ago I made several attempts to reach out to a guy that I used to kick it with back some years ago.  I’ve experienced a lot of life changes since that time, one being my growth in relationship with Christ, and from what I could see, this brother was now walking with the Lord as well.  “Hmmm… could we kick it?” I wondered. I was naturally curious and was certainly trying to see what was up with him, or so I thought…

You see, in my past I’ve always went after men, full assertive, bar none!  Well, in this instance, every attempt I made failed. It didn’t just fail...it failed miserably, sheesh! The Lord straight shut me down…all the way down, and with no dispute of clarity I heard Him say “No.”  No???  I accepted the “no” but I certainly felt some kind of way about it! I felt like I wasn’t in control. It made me feel like I had no say so in who I would eventually join in life partnership. It made me feel like I would never get what I deeply desire.  A husband…a family…

These sentiments did not last long because my actual thoughts and beliefs are quite the contrary.  However, I did journey into a place where I realized that the Lord of my life really does call me (and you too) to lay EVERYTHING down for His way and His timing (sigh…a very long, exasperated sigh…).  

So what was the issue here?  It wasn’t surrendering to God’s authority in my life.  It wasn’t that I didn’t believe His word to be true in that if I delight myself in Him, He’ll give me the desires of my heart (the desires He gives me, of course).  BUT the big, fat, freaking, underlying issue here was the matter of pursing vs. being pursued. What does it look like to be pursued?  Hell, I don’t know, I’ve never experienced it. BUT,  I want to and I will!

Here is why:

• The difference between now and then is that I know I’m worth being pursued.
• The difference between now and then is that I REFUSE to chase a man! I won’t have to chase the gift of a man the Lord gives to me.
• The difference between now and then is that I accept God’s way, timing, plan, and purpose for my life.

So what now? I don’t always know and honestly I feel challenged in this area of my life. I can certainly tell you that none of the above lets me off the hook in terms of presenting myself as open, available, or approachable to men. When I’m in the room, the building, wherever, there’s no denying it. I may not be chasing a man, but I will get in a man’s way. After all, WWRD?  What would Ruth do? (*Kanye shrug*) LOL!

If you would like to be featured on the blog, feel free to email your take on love and relationships to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com and you too can hold class for everyone to read your material... 

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Five Things Men Need to Know About Courting Women

Last week after another conversation with the fellas, we tried to figure out why men stress over superficial nonsense when meeting women. I went into a rant that turned into this blog, and if you know me offline, you know I’m a storyteller by nature. If men knew of the complexity they perceive courting as was actually simple, we would have more men with unblemished hairlines today. To me, there are five facts of life about male-female interactions that a man should know in order to succeed.

#1 Attractive men start with one foot in the door. I’ve spoken about “attraction triggers” on this site since it’s inception. A man's attraction to women is primarily visual, while a woman can be attracted to personality, stature, and other non-superficial qualities. This explains the phenomenon of an attractive woman dating a man that most would consider aesthetically unappealing. So when you’re a man who’s handsome, in good shape, and is deemed attractive by general standards, you are relationship gold! Knowing is half the battle, so if a woman thinks you look good, that man has already reached a 50% success level. Depending on the perception your look projects, women may assume that you’re arrogant or conceited, but being attractive will get you an audience with women to further state your case and potentially seal the deal.

#2 Women know where men stand with them when they first meet. If you’ve read relationship articles, spoken to your friends, watched sitcoms, or have walked the Earth for at least 20 years, you’ve heard the cliche that “within the first 5 minutes, women know where you fall in the lover/friend spectrum.” While I agree that this sentiment holds some credence to a woman’s level of attraction to men, it cannot be contained to specific time intervals. I believe that it’s within the first interaction that women make that mental note that determines if a man has the opportunity to chase her waterfalls. This could be a 30-second introduction between mutual friends, a group conversation in a social setting, an intimate first conversation, or watching you from afar. As stated in my point above, being attractive will only strengthen a woman’s intrigue. Once they interact with you, if you don’t mess it up by saying something stupid, then you can be one of her potential suitors. Women go into advanced analysis when they first meet you. They rank you on looks and potential. Potential will be weighted more than looks. Think of your appearance as the votes along party lines (the given) and your personality and level of potential as swing votes in a relationship election. You know you can count on your party votes (your looks), but to win the necessary electoral votes, you need to win those key battle ground states (personality and your potential). Aesthetic appeal is a constant and potential is a variable. Depending on what women see and desire both physically and mentally, they know what they want from you, and whether or not you have a chance to get that and more.

#3 The non pretty dudes stay winning. I admire the non pretty boy, the rugged brethren who don’t have that one foot in the door, and might have a slow start in the paper chase that is dating. However, this is their only disadvantage. In my rant, I broke down to the fellas why non-pretty boys win. Many times, women will have preconceived notions about dudes who are outwardly attractive. They might fear them to be conceited or arrogant, and in general women don’t find that appealing. When they see someone who might not be the stereotypical handsome man, they will assume that they are down to Earth, and that they have no real reason to be gassed. So if that man shows the genuineness and good personality that was already inferred from women by their appearance, they too have won half the battle and they have the emotional clout from women to win in the future. Women won’t feel they have to resort to tempering desires as to prevent feeding an enormous ego, so that “non-pretty boy” is actually sitting pretty. All they have to do is be themselves and stay the course.

#4 Women will let you know if they are interested. The question remains: “Will men be able to tell if a woman likes them?” Now I won’t front as if I’ve never misread a signal, but some men are oblivious to signals. I took a class on nonverbal communication and it opened my eyes to the way in which we all interact with one another. Women will send signals of affection, blatantly and latent, and these key indicators can help men know where they stand. Some women speak in code, while others are direct. The non-verbal communication is paramount to me because these are the natural signals that can rarely be hidden from meticulous observers. Look her in her eyes when you speak and watch the way she looks at you. How do her eyes receive you? You can see joy and disdain in anyone’s eyes if you look deep enough. Does her voice raise an octave when you talk? Does she fidget while you talk (i.e. play with her hair)? Does she lean in towards you while you converse? Does she mimic the movements you make? This advanced analysis is simpler than the questions asked. Women love men that pay attention to detail, and being attentive can tell you what you need to know about how receptive a woman is to you. All you have to do is watch and adapt.

#5 You don't get a second chance to make a first impression, so concentrate on your "second impression". Yes, a woman will make a mental note of your potential opportunities upon first contact. However, if your perception in her eyes isn’t beneficial to your desires of getting with her, don’t be discouraged. The most egregious offense committed by men is “talking themselves out of the relationship. A woman will feel them, throw out all the necessary hints, and wave the gentlemen around third base to score, and they will make a stupid comment that will completely change a woman’s perspective. Women can turn infatuation on and off like a switch if you break that mental and desirous connection with a stupid move. The same way a man can talk themselves out of a good situation with a woman, they can talk their way back into their good graces. I’m a firm believer that character shines regardless, and if a woman recognizes that, and likes/admires it, you still may have a shot. You can’t worry about the impression you made initially. A woman will respect persistence (not stalking) and improvement over false bravado any day. Don’t apologize for who you are, and don’t sweat it if who you are doesn’t appeal to her. Every woman has a palette for a type of man, and if you don’t fit the bill you never will. You can either accept the platinum membership into the friend zone, or move on to greener pastures.

There’s more to a man than his wealth and social status. The shame is that sometimes men don’t believe this and feel they have to be a facade to succeed. No secret tricks or magic is necessary to be successful in courting and understanding a woman’s affection. You just have to be attentive, be yourself, and be confident. If a $2000 date (yes they’re talking about thousand dollar dates on social media now) is a barometer to a woman about a man’s worth, then you need to drop the temperature, give those birds the cold shoulder, and look for better women who are worth your time...

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Five Ways to Maintain and Upkeep Your Summer Fling

I certainly never planned to be in this position, well actually I did. I followed the advice of a close friend who told me that after May it really made no sense to get into anything too serious because the summer was coming and at that point there would be a better dating pool. Does that make me super single? Not in the least bit, but everybody has a short list of people and requirements that would snatch them out the game almost immediately. Friday begins the first day of summer, and there are a few guidelines that everyone should be abiding by. Since it’s been a while I’m sure we all need a reminder, so consider this your refresher course in, The Five Ways to Maintain and Upkeep Your Summer Fling...

#1 “Ain’t you got something to do?!” – I think the first guideline is that you can’t overwhelm someone in a summer fling situation. I think it goes for all relationships, but especially summer ones, overwhelming someone with your presence too much early on will lead to failure. The key to a great summer situation is that you maintain the free spirit nature of the summer. Your calendar is filled with enjoying time with friends, traveling and exploring the outdoors. Not being up under someone else all the time.

#2 Don’t try and turn water into wine – Water will quench your thirst, wine will last forever. If you try and turn your summer fling (water) into a fully fledged relationship (wine) it will probably fizzle quickly. People who try and change the stipulations of an agreement after it’s made typically end up hurt and you'll be out. Summer flings don’t involve drama, and any sign of drama is cause for an immediate “stop, drop and roll" up out of there.

#3 Learn not to ask questions that you don’t want or need to know the answers to – There’s an old saying that you can always tell who needs to know something because they don’t have to ask. Be careful with the questions that you ask, and always respect boundaries. “Where are you at?” “What are you doing?” “What’s your relationship with that girl or that guy?” are all examples of questions that you must be careful about asking. There are boundaries in place for a reason and remember...if you were in a relationship, you’d be in a relationship.

#4 Be very careful about falling in love. It’s called a summer fling, not summer love – I had to struggle with why this is different from #3, but I figured it out. It’s because when people fall in love with people they are not in relationships with, they end up in TROUBLE! You know what is uncomfortable? The awkward silence between when someone says, “I love you” and the other person changes the subject. If you find yourself falling in love when you know it's just a summer fling, don’t.

#5 If you reach a point where the situation has reached 100% exclusivity, do yourself a favor; commit – If you find yourself in a situation that is 100% exclusive, stop fooling yourself and just commit. There’s nothing worse than when everyone knows that you two are together but you keep denying it because it’s the summer. At a certain point, there’s only one person you end every night with, you start holding hands and showing up to events together. At that point, just end it and settle down. This is rare but when people have to witness it; it’s nasty.

Summer flings aren’t for everyone. It’s not something you try out without giving it some deep thought before you get yourself into the situation. A lot of people get hurt and they don’t recover easily. A lot of people don’t want to abide by the guidelines and then as a result they get played or just chewed up and spit out. My best advice is to talk to someone who’s been in one before and get the real deal on it. I can expand on this, but you’ll have to hit me on Twitter or Facebook. I don’t have the time to give you all the nitty gritty. I can tell you for a fact that summer flings are not a bad thing, they can be a good thing, and the great ones usually continue even after Labor Day. Here's to a great Summer!

Divorced? Embrace Your Happily Unmarried!

When you're divorced, some people always look at you with an expression on their face like, "oh God I'm sorry". Like marriage is such utopia, or being married is the be all-end all for everybody, and its the greatest thing since bottled water was invented. It's amazing how many people look at you like that, when really that look of surprise should be "wow, you've got that unmarried shine about you. You look like somebody who's really enjoying themselves. You look like you have no stress or strain in your life. You look like you have the opportunity to go out there and just meet anybody and have fun. There is a look of freedom on your face. You can eat what you want, when you want, and you don't have to run errands for anyone but you. You look like you just got back from a great romantic vacation for one to a place that you wanted to go to.

Being unmarried is great, and I tell people all the time that when I'm not married, I am happily unmarried. It's an enjoyable part of your life to be happily unmarried. Marriage is not the end all for everybody and marriage is not the solution to the worlds problems. Yes, I know some of you will be throwing statistics out there all day. There are surveys that say people who are married live longer, and studies say people are happier being married. But for every statistic that is thrown in my direction, I'll show you people in real life situations who are happily unmarried, and not in lab rat studies. It's a matter of choice, it's a choice to decide how you want to be happy. So the next time someone ask you if your divorced, or if you find out someone who is divorced, you can own it. 

"As a matter of fact, I am divorced."

"Wow, you look like you're doing great!"

"Yeah, I'm happily unmarried, doing what I want to do and having a blast. One day maybe I'll get married again, or maybe I won't, but I'm going to continue to enjoy my life and embrace it."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti marriage, I'm simply anti unhappiness. I don't believe you should stay married for the sake of being married, or for the sake of the children. I believe in happiness, and happiness starts from within. A happy person in their home life will be a much happier person in their work life, and will be a much happier person to be around. So if you're divorced, join me in letting some of that happily unmarried shine show. Being divorced means you're experienced in what you want, and its about time you expressed that... 

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"I Just Want My Ex To Be Happy" LIES! LIES! LIES!

There’s one conversation we hate having with that one ex who always could make us feel that way.  Especially if they know their former bf/gf has a new him or her. I’m not talking about a specifically sexual way, even though they probably were top shelf with that as well. I’m talking about the feeling where all that mattered was us being together right at that moment. Yeah, feeling THAT way. We all know how the conversation usually starts. We call our ex, or vice versa,  just to say hey, and catch up. Small talk is exchanged. Then it eventually shifts to what’s been going on since the split, or we last talked. The love life makes its way into the discussion, and the caller asks something like, “so how are you and _______ doing?” The one called would generally say “we’re good” or “we’re happy”. Then the caller will muster the most fake sound of elation you’ve ever heard and say, “that’s good, I’m happy for you”.

And BOOM! There you have it. The happiness lie...

Deep down, we don’t want it to be a lie, but it sorta just turns into one. “What does their current have that I don’t?” we ask ourselves. The lame joke that happens to be true is, "they have our ex". Even though we don’t want to admit, the current has some of the qualities that our ex was looking for in us, but we couldn’t or wouldn’t give. But, since we don’t want to look petty or insecure, we don’t ask. We just feign happiness for them, and for ourselves to keep the conversation moving. Is this universal? No. Some people really are happy that their ex found happiness. But the rest of us can find it to be a little hard to take. Usually it’s because of selfish reasons. Sure they want the person to be happy, but that happiness is contingent upon the ex being with them.

There’s a level of revisionism that comes with telling an ex we’re happy for them. In the moments that we’re on the phone, the whole relationship can be replayed in our minds. We wonder why we split up in the first place. What more could have been done to avoid it? Hell, we even look at where we might have been a less than stellar partner in the relationship. All because our former is now happy with their current. Yet we remember things in a romanticized way, and not how they really were. What can make it even worse is when we’re supposed to be happy, and in a better place with our new partner, we’ll be living our life just fine. Then that phone call is placed, or is received, and all those old emotions come flooding back. When we get asked, “how are you and _____ doing?”, we can go overboard with answering. “Oh, everything between us is great”. “I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be…right now.” All the while, still perpetuating a lie about being happy.

The worse part is that we put ourselves in the position of feeling like this. If we’d leave them to their life, we’d be able to live ours free of the “what if” factor, at least with respect to having to front. It’s a natural inclination to sometimes wonder about how our lives would’ve turned out if we had made different decisions. Actively seeking out a way (for some of us) to torture ourselves is not the business. If we’re telling someone we’re happy for them, when we’re not, then it is self-torture. So how can we get away from feeding the lie? It’s simple, leave the phone calls alone. Delete phone numbers if necessary. Stay off whatever social network profiles your ex has. It will keep you from purposely contacting them, and looking like a creep. Not everyone will heed the words of advice given here. For those who don’t, be prepared to deal with the “what ifs”, especially if your ex is truly as happy as they say. No amount of lying to yourself about them will change how they feel in their new relationship, or about their current partner. However, for the folks that do take the advice, it will help you save face, and possibly your own new relationship too...

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Pop Lessons

I've been helping my Pop on a job all this week. It's nothing new, since I've been doing it with him off and on for the last 30 years or so. Everything I learned about being a carpenter, I learned it from John Randle. But as he gets older, he needs a helping hand every once in order to get things done on the job (don't tell him that I said it, I'll deny it if you do). This week’s project was to grind down the concrete flooring in several storage rooms in the basement of Chicago's DuSable Museum of African American History, for painters to come behind us and restore them with a new epoxy. Its a long, dirty, dusty process that I really love doing. Anyway, while we were setting up to prepare grinding the floor, he said to me, “Since I'm creeping up on 75, I don’t move around as fast as I used to.” His statement wasn’t really all that necessary, because I obviously could tell this used to happen a lot faster when he was younger. However, for a moment I stopped and thought about how my relationship with Pop has come full circle. Looking back on those times when I started with him when I was 16, and fast forwarding to now, I realize that the tables have somewhat turned (not a lot, but enough). As we attempted to move the machines from room to room, I thought to myself, “This would be so much easier if he would just let me do it myself.” Even though these machines are easily 300 pounds, and weighing more than that when you're tired. I was confident that alone I’d be able to complete the task a lot faster. That’s when I had an epiphany about a father’s relationship with his son. I thought back on my childhood and imagined what it must have been like to raise me as a son. The lessons I never noticed back then, but were glaringly obvious as they came to the forefront this week…

1) My Pop, although stronger than me, always gave me a load to carry - If each time something had to be done, Pop just said, “Move out the way and let me do it.” I may have never developed the strength I have now. I have friends who you can tell have never done a hard day’s work. If you asked them to do something like paint a wall, hang a light fixture, or change the oil of their car, they’d be lost. My father was teaching me that even when you’re stronger than someone, you never carry their load. Every man must carry his own weight.

2) My Pop, although faster than me, always had patience to wait for me - One of the most frustrating parts of small children is their short legs. If you’ve ever taken a small child for a walk for any distance you almost immediately notice that it takes four or five times longer than if it was just you. I imagine that as a child growing up my Pop knew that he could get from point A to point B a lot faster without me, or by telling me to run while he walked. My Pop never did that though. He was patient and he waited for me. I would have never known that it was taking him longer than usual.

3) My Pop, although busy, always made time for me - I feel as children when we grow up and our lives get busy, we tend to let our relationships with our parents slip. Growing up you spent pretty much 100% of your time outside of school with your family. When evaluating plans for the weekend as an adult, you tend to pick time with the guys or hanging out with the ladies over your Dad. Pop never did that to me as a child. He always made time for me. When I needed to learn how to ride a bike or throw a baseball, he made time. He didn’t complain or think about all the things he could be doing, he just made the time. What this past week meant to me was a reminder that I can’t ever be too busy to make time for my Pop. 

4) My Pop, always remind me, “Everybody ain’t your father” but he always showed me the true meaning of friendship - As a child, it was important to note that my Mom and Pop were NOT my friends. Growing up in an African American household you learn early on, “Stop talking to me like I’m one of your friends.” Yeah, growing up I had that common Chicago problem of calling everybody, “dude.” That wouldn’t fly with Pop. However, over the years I’ve realized that Pop asks me for advice every once in a while on the job, and he listens to my advice as well. Most of all, we’re friends and friends help each other out in their times of need. 

5) My Pop, as he grows in age, reminds me that "always" isn’t always going to be "always" - As a young son, you sometimes view your father as this strong, all-knowing individual who is impenetrable. I know growing up, I would see the biggest arms I ever thought existed whenever i saw my Pop. As an adult now, I realize that my father is indeed mortal. It’s a weird feeling to notice that your father needs help, and that everything won’t be fine if I leave everything up to him. My Pop taught me lessons as a child about how everything didn’t come easy to him, but at the time I never would believe it. I am learning now that we are all mortal, and that we all have pain, and we all need help from time to time. I learned that all those times he said, “Call your mother” or “Did you talk to your brothers or sisters” he was teaching me that since we are mortal, you need to appreciate the time you have with your family the most.

Of course my Pop and I came to a healthy compromise on the best way to handle the flooring. He wanted to help, and he did help without a second thought. He wanted to remind me of that first lesson he taught me about carrying your own weight. Maybe it took us a bit more time to complete the task but it also gave us plenty of time to talk about life. I wanted to make sure that I reflected on this week spent with my Pop. I wanted to make sure that I wrote this post this week because I’m sure I’m not the only one who shares experiences like these. I wouldn’t regulate the experience to only men. I’m sure that women share similar experiences with their mothers. Moreover, I wanted to remember these moments because one day my son Jonathan (named in part to honor Pop) will prayerfully have these same moments with me. I want to make sure that I give him everything my Pop gave me, so whenever that time comes, I know that it will all start with sharing, being patient, and making time for my son. Thanks Pop, and Happy Father' s Day...

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Dating Mistakes Women Make (Guest Blogger)

Muffie from San Francisco, California has done elaborate study in defining her list. She has today's guest spot, as I prepare for the next blog for the weekend.  It's a great analysis, so check it out! Men and women both make dating mistakes, but here are four that come up for the fairer sex from Muffie’s perspective. See if you can identify with any one of these:

#4 Ms. Anti-Commitment - You’re falling for him more quickly than you planned. The emotional connection that the two of you share goes far beyond the physical attraction. Although not anticipated, the two of you consider taking the non-exclusive dating relationship to a mutually exclusive level. He’s all in, but you’re not. You’re not exactly sure why you’re so hesitant to make the next big step. Everything was fine during the initial stages of dating, but now that the opportunity to take the relationship to the next level has been discussed, you suddenly wonder if he’s the right one. Not because he has done something so terrible that you can’t fathom the thought of being committed, but because you’re scared of committing to another person in fear that it won’t work out. Your past failed relationships run through your head and you think about how great they started out, just like the current one you’re contemplating. As a result, you refuse to commit and start the dating cycle with someone else hoping that he will be the “right choice”.

#3, The Deadline Princess - In my perfect little world deadlines are only for weight loss, career aspirations and assignments…Not marriage. When you put a deadline on marriage, not only can you set yourself up for a huge disappointment, you put yourself at risk of getting a chronic condition called DG (Deadline Goggles). You’ve heard of “Beer goggles”, right? It’s when you’ve had a little too much to drink and that fine man at the club turned out to be a Cee Lo Green look alike in Coogi and a Kangol hat. The same principle can be applied to “Deadline Goggles”. DG is a condition in which you’re so fixated on your marriage deadline of June 2013 that the guy you dated back in 2009 who kissed like a vacuum doesn’t look that bad anymore because you’re too fixated on getting married at a certain time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, just slow down and bask in everything that is singleness and dating because it’s a great way to hone in on what you want and don’t want in a mate. Enjoy the ride (honestly, no pun intended) and don’t be overly focused on a deadline because you may end up getting stuck with Vacuum Mouth.

#2. Tunnel Vision - You’ve never dated a guy who was as chivalrous as the one you’re dating now. He opens doors and is a great conversationalist. You’re so intrigued because you have never experienced a man who is so pleasant to be around. You lose yourself in every conversation and the minutes easily turn into hours. So how did you overlook his blatant shallowness and lack of ambition? Easily. You were so enthralled by his few amazing qualities, your judgment was skewed. You wonder how you ended up in that predicament. Some time ago, I was dating someone who I clicked with immediately. Conversations were never ending, his sense of humor had me busting out of my Spanx and he loved to do nice “thinking-of-you" gestures. It was amazing! Amazing until I realized I was dating someone with no ambition, no common sense, and certainly no ability to...well, nevermind. How could I have missed those red flags when we began dating? I couldn’t understand why I didn’t see him for who he really was, until I got to thinking: I was so overly focused on the good qualities that I overlooked (or chose to ignore) the negatives ones. I thought that somehow his good qualities would magically cancel out the ones that weren’t so good. Although logically this theory makes no sense, it was logical to me at the time because I wanted him to fit into the mold that I created in my head. Unfortunately in the world of dating, it doesn’t work out that way. Good qualities never “cancel out” bad ones, you just have to make yourself aware of them before time, feelings and emotions are too deeply invested.

#1. The Fixer-Upper - He exaggerated too much, he didn’t know how to dress for the occasion, hated animals and had no ambition. I did it anyway. I dated him. Although I knew the possibilities of him changing were slim to none, I was silly enough to continue the relationship. This meant that I committed and, by default, chose to accept all of him, not just the qualities I liked. So why is it that I got into this relationship trying to fix him when I knew his qualities from the beginning? I failed to acknowledge that people change only because they want to, not because I want them to. There was no need in trying to “fix” something that wasn’t for me to fix. He was who he was; and I needed something so much more than what he provided.

What dating mistakes have you been known for? Hello, my name is Muffie and I’m a Fixer-Upper. So, which one are you?  

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A Blog For the Male Bloggers

I was talking to one of my good female friends, when she dropped this bomb on me that had me thinking most of the weekend. "Men entertain themselves with an image of women that doesn't reflect reality". After thinking about that statement, it became crystal clear that what needed to be done was to have a moment of introspective reflection into how we (male relationship bloggers) contribute to the female fear of rejection. While I bounced ideas around in my head during the creative process of publishing this post, I realized that we don’t have an accurate image of the women who are reading our blogs. Here’s a few things we do know:

• Ratchets don’t read.
• Gold-diggers spend time digging for gold, not reading on how to find love.
• Women who are convinced they're doing everything right in their lives, will more likely never turn to a blog for an ounce of advice.

With that said, it’s pretty ironic how much effort goes into those three topics. So, how can we fix this? I came up with five key areas that cause male bloggers to continuously miss the target.

1. Failure to give positive feedback

If you are a male blogger who cannot remember one post that you’ve ever written to uplift women, stop blogging. As male bloggers we have to take time out to give positive feedback to women every now and then. We’ve got to give that positive feedback regardless of the fact that she will probably quickly forget it or overlook it entirely.

2. Inability to know what our readers are going through

I’ve written a post that had nothing to do with women and received a comment that turned into the worst tirade I’ve ever heard in my life. It wasn’t just me. Other readers couldn’t figure out where she was coming from or really why she was so mad. I knew what it was. It was that as a blogger you have no clue what’s going on in your readers’ lives. We’re never going to be able to know exactly what word, sentence or reference strikes a chord in a reader. Therefore, we’ve got to be careful not to react to an angry comment or misdirected criticism.

3. Reluctance to point out male malfeasance

When men step out of line, male bloggers must make sure that we stand up and speak on what we believe is right. If the men are in the wrong, then let them know or at least let women know that you don’t support male malfeasance. One of my biggest pet peeves about discourse with women is their blind disregard and defense of female malfeasance. They will blindly go wherever they need to go to protect one another. Male bloggers cannot engage in discourse like that. We’re not searching for far outside reasons for why, “dude lost his mind and left her at the altar.” We’re not looking for a random reason for the part women played in him ending up the way he is now. We’re just responsible for saying, “look here man, that boy cray cray.”

4. Blogging for all the wrong reasons

If you’re a male blogger and you’re out here trying to use your blog for sex, shame on you! I’m not going to lie, there are some bloggers whose sole purpose is to trick women into bed. If that’s your gimmick, I won’t knock your hustle, but do me a favor and stop pandering. When you pander for women and tell them what you think they want to hear in exchange for the panties, they develop a false sense of self-esteem. When they develop that false sense of self-esteem, they find it difficult to understand the reasons why they can find someone to sleep with, but no one to commit to them.

5. Creating a fairy-tale world

My favorite line from Shawshank Redemption is, “I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world.” There’s a bunch of male bloggers in the streets preaching a fairy tale world of sex, dating, and relationships. They are setting women up for failure. They are giving them lists upon lists of what they need to do, or not do to keep men happy. They paint this picture that somehow this one piece of gospel is going to take them to the promised land of love. However, the birds and bees are “no fairy-tale world.”

I’ve been blogging for almost a year now, and I’ve only tried to approach this game by providing a real perspective on things. In reality, it’s hard, it’s tough and it’s not a nice world when you’re trying to find true love. Everybody experiences success and failure; they go hand in hand. As male bloggers we have to make sure that we put the advice on the table, as passionately as we can, but then walk away. My words aren’t the gospel, they’re supposed to inspire thought. People retain the right to glean what they want from our posts and see if it applies to them. If it doesn’t or they haven’t reached the point in their life where they’re ready to digest that, that is perfectly fine. Male bloggers rarely have the ability to conceptually see how their words lead to women being scared to put themselves out there. We’re not supposed to cater, coddle, or write our blog posts to women. We should just realize that we play a part in the problem that is, "The Female Fear of Rejection". We can help more than we do right now. We can be more honest, we can share more sides of the coin than just the ones we agree with or feel passionately about. Most of all, we can admit that it’s partially our fault, too...

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100,000 Views - Thank You!

I wanted to take a moment, more like a post, to reflect on the greatest milestone so far in Relationship Lessons history. 100,000 pageviews in 10 months of existence is a big deal, but before I get to that, I want to thank the RL readers, both new and tenured, for helping make this site what its become. It was just a few months ago that I freshened up the appearance, added guest contributors, and diversified our content to better reflect what I define as the male perspective. And while I made adjustments, some people told me not to change, that a relationship blog needs to stay a relationship blog, that I’ll lose readers if I leave the “niche.” Truth be told, some people did leave and they were vocal about their exit. However, I've come to realize that people leave when change comes around, and all things considered its not a bad thing. Little did I know things would take off as much as they have in the last few months, with the month of April being both a culmination and a beginning.

In April 2013, we crushed the previous monthly record for pageviews and unique visitors when a comment I made on my Facebook page went viral. Relationship Lessons doesn’t exist for traffic, but it also can’t exist without it. And the more people know about this platform, the more my relationship vision becomes a reality. I’ve been writing online for years. I can remember starting with Facebook notes, then on my Facebook page, then Google, then my first personal site, and now RL where you find me today. I’ve learned a lot of lessons along the way, and wanted to share a few of them with you.

Some of your best stuff will be the least read - I couldn’t tell you how many times I poured my all into a post only to see it end up with three comments and few pageviews. It doesn't happen as much anymore, but when I first started, it came with frustration, but the lesson I’ve learned over time was to remind myself that the quality of my work isn’t dictated by traffic. I could write a Pulitzer Prize winning post, but because the title wasn’t extra clickable or it didn’t appeal to a fickle interest, the only people that saw it were the regulars that supported, and a few folks that wanted to be doing anything but work. On some of the same articles where I was ready to beat my head against the wall because of comment count or traffic, I got emails, tweets, Facebook messages from people that appreciated the writing or felt like it had a concrete impact on their life; or at the very least, how they thought about something. It wasn’t until the day I got a message from someone that I’ll never forget that I realized no matter how small the crowd, words matter:

“I just wanted to let you know that your post kept me from making a bad decision.”

That’s about as powerful as it gets. To know you saved someone’s relationship life is a far greater reward than seeing a ton of traffic or comments, or a whole bunch of Facebook or Twitter shares. I felt dumb when I got that message. I feel dumb thinking about it. I’m sitting here thinking about the metrics not being to my liking, while someone is out there going through things and looking for a reason to stay in or get out. Damn...

You never know who is watching, or reading - I’ve had my fair share of good fortune come from writing. I’ve been to conferences. I’ve spoken at events and on shows. None of these things would’ve been possible if I didn’t put my pen to pad...well, fingers to keyboard to create my art. And here’s the interesting thing about my “success” to date. I don’t think it’s because I write these prolific posts that change the world. I don’t think I have this ridiculous network of connections that just pushes me through. I think the right people just see how much effort I put in or they stumble across the right article at the right time. And the people I do meet, I treat them well: reader or Internet famous, friend or acquaintance, I treat them with respect. I’ve received words of encouragement from people I’d never expect to hear from, and each message I get is a source of inspiration. Gratitude is crucial...

No matter how good you are, there will always be people who don't like you - As much as I’d like to say nothing phases me, sometimes I hear or read things that give me pause. I remember my blog on "How I Ended It" went left. I read a few of the comments and…well, you know how that goes. I also remember hearing that my name got thrown all through the mud. I couldn’t understand why, and I was annoyed at what was being said. It felt unfair. It felt unjust. I wanted to reach out to each and every person and find out what the deal was, but that wouldn’t have solved anything because that’s not a good approach to life. There are some people that no matter how much good you do, they will find fault. And it’s those people that we can’t spend our time on...

It's real easy to get caught up chasing someone else's dream - This was the bane of my existence for a while. I’d be looking to the left, right, and in front of me at what others were doing. I’d see the opportunities they were getting and the money they were making, and wondered why I wasn’t having the same success? How could I get those opportunities? How could I get invited to the cool kids table? Those aren’t negative thoughts in and of themselves, but when you adjust your path or vision because of what someone else is doing, you’re on a road to disappointment. You could have all (their) success in the world. But if you’re not doing what’s important to you (what makes you happy), you’ll eventually pay the price. And I can tell you from experience, it’s a price not worth paying...

In conclusion, I look today (the 1st weekend in June) and see that over 105,000 pageviews and over 30,000 likes on the facebook page have occurred. I humbly thank each and every one of you for believing in the lessons enough to keep reading and supporting my vision. Thank you for reading my lessons, and applying them to your own lives...

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Lessons From a Real Husband (Guest Blogger)

So many men in life think to themselves that they live to provide for their seed. Whenever you ask a man about his future he always says, “I want to get married when I’m _________” What they don’t tell you is, “I want to be a great husband.” I felt like I was hit with a ton a bricks when my great friend and line brother once said, “Do you want to get married, or do you want to be a husband? Because the two are very different.” I was looking for a possession and not a life partner. Anyone can buy a house, take a wife, and have children, but that’s not going to make your marriage a success. Now that I've been married and divorced, I think that being a husband means so much more. Instead of me speculating on it myself, I decided to bring in an expert. I’ve asked my friend Chris who is "The Most Interesting Man in the World" to be today's guest blogger, and explain what it means to be a husband.

What’s going on folks? For me, there are two words that describe what it means to be a husband; Selflessness and Leadership. The first thing one needs to understand to be a successful husband is that once you get married, life is no longer about you. Your life from “I Do” forward, will be dedicated to making sure your marriage is successful. Sometimes this means your wants and desires will have to take a backseat to what is best for your union. This can show itself in minor ways, for example, you WANT to wake up early on Saturday morning and play basketball with your boys, but you also know there’s some stuff around the house that needs fixing and you should probably be heading to the Home Depot on Saturday morning. The harder ones are the choices relating to life planning. Another example, we want a child now, but are we ready to be parents. In most cases, what’s best for your union is usually what’s best for you as well. But the tougher decisions are the ones where what’s best for your family, is in direct opposition with what will make you happy. In those cases, being a husband means choosing what’s best for your family 10 times out of 10.

Leadership is a touchy subject as far as marriages are concerned. Lots of people think a marriage should be 50/50. The truth is, marriage is not 50/50 and should not be 50/50. One person should be the clear leader of the marriage, and it should be that person’s responsibility to make sure the marriage is successful. In my household, more than 95% of the decisions are made jointly. Sometimes as a husband, you’ll even just defer and let her choose. But, there will be times when a husband and wife are at two opposite ends of the spectrum on a decision. It’s in those times that the husband needs to step up and make the decision that’s best for the family.

Now, taking a step back, what does it mean to be a leader? It doesn’t mean you make the most money in the house, and it doesn’t mean you don’t have to clean up after yourself. Being a leader means doing whatever you have to do to make sure your marriage works. It means always being the first to apologize after fight, even if you know you were right. It means being reliable, always doing what you say you’re going to do. Sometimes it means making the tough decision. It means having the confidence to make decisions she disagrees with because you know the decision is not for your benefit, or her benefit but the collective benefit of your family. Ultimately, being a leader means being a servant. A servant of the union you committed yourself to. A servant to the seeds you plant with every word you utter, and every decision you make. By the same token, being a leader also means accepting responsibility for all of the failings of your marriage. If you don’t like the way you and your wife are constantly fighting, it’s because you haven’t been leading. If your wife doesn’t seem to trust you, it’s because you haven’t been reliable, and you haven’t done the things you’ve told her you’d do. Leading a household is not a glamorous position.

So all of you "relationshippers" (yes, I follow the facebook page) reading this have to be wondering: If this is what it takes to be a successful husband, what’s the point? Well brothers, you do it because it completes you as a man, it completes you in a way nothing else can. When you marry a woman, you promise your wife, her parents and God that you will be responsible for her for the rest of your life and you become a man. As your marriage progresses, you find yourself growing in ways you never thought possible. You develop wisdom you didn’t know you needed, but now realize you’d be lost without. You sleep peacefully knowing that you’re not alone, and that if something painful or tragic happens, you’ll have someone to share that with. You become more disciplined and centered. And your reward comes in the immeasurable sense of pride and accomplishment you feel when you see someone grow, develop and become better because of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's my friend and he is, "The Most Interesting Man in the World"...

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The Good Girl vs. The Bad Girl

One of the more interesting things I’ve noticed over the past few years has been the particular set of struggles and tribulations experienced by women whose moral code is the most influencing factor in their love life. These are women who desire romantic connections as deeply as anyone else but who also have a strict set of values they are trying desperately not to compromise in fulfilling those desires. It’s what I like to call “The Good Girl Dilemma.” Good Girls can generally be split into four different categories, each with their own particular set of issues. In today’s post I want to take a look at the four and offer some advice for being or dealing with each.

1) The Angel - Typically, the Angel is someone who grew up in a religious household and therefore put their relationship with God before their relationship with anything else. Angels are beautiful, and they are attractive for a number of reasons. First, it says something about their character that they are able to remain true to their core beliefs in the face of all the temptation that exists in the world. Also, the fact that Angels have very little relationship experience usually means they’re not completely jaded and disillusioned when it comes to men. They still believe in things like trust, fidelity, love’s ability to overcome, and all that other awesomeness women lose sight of after male mistreatment. Angels also have their own issues that can make things difficult. Sometimes Angels can have trouble understanding the shortcomings of those less angelic. Many people find faith, or a moral code later on in their life. The lives they’ve lived prior to that discovery may be filled with all manner of sin and debauchery. Some Angels just can’t accept this and that lack of acceptance can hinder relationships. Also, an Angel’s inexperience in relationships may mean a lack of emotional and sexual maturity when in a relationship. If you’ve been in a few healthy relationships you learn how men and women communicate to each other what works, what doesn’t, and how to make a relationship work. Saints can sometimes be clueless on this front. They can also be clueless in the bedroom which can lead to a whole other bag of issues.

2) The Teeterer - The Teeterer is the woman who has spent much of her life as an Angel, but is at a point where the loneliness and perceived hopelessness of her romantic situation are causing her to question the things she’s always known. I have a deep empathy for women reaching this point. You spend your whole life believing that if you do the right things and be the right person, eventually your soul mate will find his way to you. The truth is, in today’s society, that doesn’t always happen. When you see yourself rounding the corner of your late twenties and staring your 30′s square in the eyes, but you still have the same amount of relationship experience that you had when you were 17, you might begin to have a bit of a crisis of faith. When every guy you’ve ever had any feelings for tells you “you’re too good for him” or “he doesn’t want to hurt you” or “he’s just not ready for someone like you” it can be a little disheartening. Especially if you’re watching all of your friends who are less morally inclined fall in love, or at the very least, have fun being single. At some point the Teeterer is always tested, maybe it’s a guy at work they like, or maybe it’s a guy from their past who reappears, or maybe it’s just a guy you meet during a moment of weakness, at some point a test will come and how she responds will dictate a big part of the rest of her life. If you’re a woman at this point remember that you are best at being you. You’re not going to be good at being someone else, so no matter how green the grass looks on the other side of the fence, be yourself. If you’re dealing with a woman at this point, know what you are and what you aren’t willing to give her from jump. Be man enough to let her know early on if you’re not what she’s looking for.

3) The Good Girl Gone Bad - Its been said, “Once a good girl’s gone bad, she’s gone forever.” This isn’t entirely true, but there is some truth to it. Sometimes a Teeterer will fall and find herself in a relationship she knows she shouldn’t be in, or doing things she knows she shouldn’t be doing. When this happens, sometimes she’s able to summon her inner strength and fortitude and go back to being the woman she expects herself to be, and other times the rabbit hole is just too deep. Sometimes, she falls all the way in and the person she once knew may never be seen again. There’s no more tumultuous time in a human’s life than when a good girl decides to go bad. When a woman loses sight of or rejects the moral code with which she’s previously lived her life, all hell breaks loose and the outcomes are completely unpredictable and sometimes pretty sad. There’s lots of anger, sadness and guilt, and those emotions express themselves in a myriad of ways. If you’re dealing with a good girl gone bad, you need to understand that who she is now isn’t who she always was, nor is it who she'll always be. Contrary to popular belief, good girls gone bad often find their way home, so it’s important to realize that you may not know or like the person they eventually become. You have to understand that you’re dealing with a woman in transition and relationships built during major life transitions rarely work. If you’re a good girl gone bad my only advice is that you protect yourself in all ways and be self aware. Don’t just act, take the time to decide what you are willing to do and what you’re not willing to do based on whatever morality you’re currently living your life by. You don’t have to be who you were, but at least maintain a standard.

4) The Bad Girl Gone Good - Its also been said, “You can’t turn a bad girl good.” This too, is not entirely true. I’ve seen women change, and by change I mean that I’ve seen women go from living lives where what they will and won’t do is situational, to living lives where what they will and won’t do is decided by a value system strengthened way before any particular situation arises. It can happen, but it usually takes an extraordinary set of circumstances so dealing with this type of woman means understanding and accepting those circumstances. If you’re dealing with a bad girl gone good, you have to understand that she’s probably seen a lot and experienced a lot as is, therefore she is going to have a very low tolerance for male mischievousness. You never know how much of herself she had to cauterize to make the changes she wanted to make, so her opening up to you (if she ever does) is a big deal. It’s a responsibility you need to know you’re accepting when you pursue a relationship with her. On the flip side, bad girls gone good make awesome people to be with if they’ve fully made the transition over to the good side. They know all of the bad girl tricks we men come to love but they now reserve them for you and only you. 

Good girls, whether they were born good and remained, whether they fell off and got back up, or whether they were born bad and became good, are an interesting set of women to get to know and explore. Ladies, do you find yourself sitting in one of the categories above? What has your experience been like? Fellas, ever dealt with a good girl? What was that like? What if anything, have I missed? Feel free to share in your comments...

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The Five Relationships You Have Before You Find "The One"

Behind every married man or woman, there usually can be found a number of men and women who at some point thought they might be "the one", but were lost along the way. We rarely talk about these relationships, these stepping stones to the altar because ultimately, marriage is the holy grail of relationships. Once someone hits that pinnacle, everything that came before it seems to pale in comparison. But those relationships deserve better because without them there’s a good chance we’d never have been able to recognize the real thing when we found it. Over the years, I’ve noticed that of all the different iterations of romantic relationships five stand out as the ones we have before we settle down. In today’s post I want to identify each phase and discuss why they’re important.

5. I Know, I Know... Have you ever been addicted to another human being? Ever had someone who you could not bring yourself to not be around regardless of how healthy or unhealthy being around that person might be. Sometimes, the chemistry between you and another person mixes in such a way that it just seems impossible to separate yourself from that person. The weird part is that you might not even be particularly attracted to them, you might not be that fond of their personality and they might not even be that great in bed – still though – you can’t seem to get away.  I’ve been in an addictive relationship before. The kind where you keep going back to each other despite your relationship status. The addictive relationship is important because it’s a reminder that you are human. It’s a reminder that you’re capable of inexplicable attraction and that feeling has you trippin, nose wide open…it’s your addiction, and the only way to break it is to avoid it.

4. Rolling In The Deep... We all like to say that we have no regrets in life. We pretend that we wouldn’t change anything that’s happened to us because doing so would prevent us from becoming the person we are today. I hear all that and that sounds nice, but I’m pretty sure I would have turned out alright even if I took back a one or two previous relationships.  If there’s not a person in your life that you wish you never fell for there’s a good chance that you’re the person someone wishes they never fell for. I know that for one person on this Earth I’m the person she wishes she never fell for. I’ve promised myself I’ll never write a post about her, but what I will say is that from that relationship I learned that it’s completely possible to love someone who doesn’t love you and will never love you. Loving someone that doesn’t love you is the most impossibly pointless endeavor anyone can ever find themselves sucked into and usually, when you finally pull yourself away you realize that you learned nothing, gained nothing, and lost everything. When the scars of your love remind you of the fact that you could have had it all, and didn’t, you’ll probably wish you’d never had met that person.

3. Freakn’ You... It’s completely possible to marry ‘the best you’ve ever had’ but most likely you won’t. This is something that a lot of people will never admit to, but for most of us there’s one person who will always have the only key to unlocking certain carnal sides of our nature. These are the parts of our bedroom personalities that we never knew existed till we found ourselves letting them loose with that one person. It could be a number of things, I’m not going to list them here, but let your imagination run for a little bit. Think about that thing you did that time that you never thought you’d do, but also know you’ll never do with the person you marry. Some things are just in the DNA of some relationships and other things are not. When the DNA of a particular relationship includes the best sex you’ve ever had and ever will have, it’s hard for you to deny each other when the opportunity presents itself.

2. Best Friends... It’s really common for a man and woman to develop a friendship and then have that friendship develop in to a romantic relationship. In my mind, this is actually the ideal way for a relationship to be born. But every so often, the opposite happens. You meet someone and begin dating them with the explicit understanding from jump, that the relationship is romantic in nature; but somewhere along the line you realize you guys make a terrible couple but awesome friends. If most of the time, you argue and fight, learn to make her your best friend. The thing that’s great about this relationship is that you can use that person as the prototype for your future mate. You want someone who has all of the things that make them best friend worthy, but none of the stuff that makes the two of you incompatible. Plus, they know you better than your friends know you because in attempting to date them they saw a side of you your friends never see and can share that with their friends who might be actually be perfect for you. They’ll be your biggest spokesperson consistently championing your awesomeness.

1. I Guess I’ll See You Next Lifetime … There’s something wonderfully heartbreaking about meeting a person who’s perfect for you at a time in your lives when that perfection can not be explored. In the movies, love is worth moving mountains, uprooting lives, breaking hearts and whatever other sacrifice needs to be made for the guy and girl to end up together. In real life, "it ain’t that type of party". Real life is real, and sometimes fate just isn’t on your side. You can’t always give up everything for love. The good thing is, these sorts of relationships can end up being beautiful when you end up finding someone who makes you just as happy. When you do, you’re left with no regrets, but instead warm memories of these near-love stories that you look forward to sharing with your kids when they’re old enough to understand life’s complexities.

Where do you all stand? Have you had any of the above relationships? If so how have they helped you as you’ve progressed further on down the line toward settling down? Are you in one of these relationships right now? If so, please over share, I’d love to hear what you’re experiencing... 

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