Five Questions Men Should Stop Asking Women (Guest Blogger)

My thanks to everyone who took the time to wish me a happy birthday. All month long, I have celebrated with friends and strangers I haven't had the pleasure of meeting until we met. I'm slowly coming out of my introvertive shell, but as you can imagine, I'm still feeling the effects of celebrating the entire month of July. I will return on Friday with new lessons that will lead us to Relationship Lessons 1st anniversary in the blogging world. I'm happy that ending the month of July with a bang is Sandra, today's guest blogger from Southfield, Michigan.

First of all, let me say how much I enjoy reading your blog. Whenever you offer your "five things", it makes me pay special attention to what you have to say. I decided to make my own "five things", and I hope you like it. 

Men, you all have an interesting way of asking questions. Although I know your intentions are good, they do get overlooked from time to time. I think that deep down in your manly hearts, you mean well, but sometimes it's better to wonder than it is to ask. You know when you’ve asked a woman a question, and just as you finish you realize you should have kept the question to yourself? Yep. Those questions. The questions you ask don’t get you answers, rather instead they get you the look of death. Let’s be honest, if it has to do with the way women look, you probably shouldn’t ask. Just don’t. Save yourself the trouble because it’s not worth it, I promise. I think many of the questions you have about women are rhetorical anyway. When you ask questions like, “why do you spend so much money on your hair” for example, you know you really don’t want to know why. This is just a passive aggressive way to say, “you really don’t need to be spending so much money on your hair, put something on this light bill”. We don’t ask you why you continue to brush your hair when it doesn’t need brushing, do we? Let us live. 

Although the communication between men and women is an ongoing struggle, there are small steps that each of us can take to close this gap. For the purpose of today’s efforts, I’ll address the men, and offer a list of questions that you should make an effort to stay away from:

1. Why do you wear make up? Translation: I like you better with less make-up. I like natural beauty. Women wear make-up because it’s fun. We can totally create a brand new face for any occasion, and it enhances the way we look. It creates a more polished look, and shows there was some effort put into our look for the day. Lashes are in, pouty lips are in, and eyebrows definitely give us an opportunity to show our personality.

 

2.  When is the last time you worked out? Translation: You should hit the gym. Pardon? You know this question is just begging for an altercation. Now unless you already know this girl is a beast in the gym, or her IG has transformation pictures on every single post, you should avoid this question at all costs. If it’s your girl, and you think she could use a few work outs, there is nothing wrong with a little encouragement. I say find a way to include her in your own trips to the gym. As a couple you could even start your own get fit challenge.

 

3.  Quit looking so mean, why don’t you smile? Translation: You look nice and I think I want to get at you, but I can’t think of anything else to say. Ah yes. The age old failed ice breaker question for the stranger on the street. I’ll keep this simple. If you want to say something to a woman, just say, “Hello, how are you?” Leave it at that. If the conversation is meant to keep going, believe me it will. By you insinuating that a woman looks “mean” is already an insult. Aside from that, you have no clue what is going on in her life. She could have just gotten some horrible news, or maybe she’s not having a good day. This question is rude, and it’s insulting, so stop asking, okay?

 

4.   Why are you acting so emotional? Translation: This is too much. Man up. Women are emotional creatures. You know this. Find a way to handle our emotions because we will likely never choose logic over emotion. We’re just not wired that way. Handle with care, and tap into your softer side. It’s for your own good.

5.  Why do you wear weave? Translation: I don’t like your weave. It itches. Where are your edges? I don’t want it on my chest. It smells. What does your real hear look like? I don’t know who you really are. I prefer a natural look. Take it out! Ok, this is tricky. I totally get a man's issues with weave. However, to us, weave is an accessory. Similar to make-up, it’s another way to express our individuality and change up our look. Some women choose to wear weave for an eternity. Some women only wear weave for certain occasions. I know some men address this in the very beginning of getting-to-know a woman. Some men are usually upfront about their weave preference, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.  All I’m saying is, if you don’t like it, address that in the beginning. Don’t wait until 6 months in and start complaining about that Brazilian investment.

These are just some of the questions that I find annoying as a woman. I know there are more. There have to be. I also know that 9 times out of 10, if a man asks any of these questions to a woman, the outcome could be brutal. Why even go there?

Do you have your own "five things" you want to share? E-mail me at relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com so I can put you on as a guest blogger.

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Impatient Relationships, Part 2 (My Lesson)

Millions of people around the world are trying to find love as we speak. There was even a time or two when I was one of them. In the wake of my life crash and divorce in 2002, over a period of ten years, I went on a lot of dates. A few of which went on to involve a sexual liaison, because I was searching for someone to replace my wife. It was easy because I was trying to outrun my pain. I expected to be able to find something perfect out there in the dating world, beyond my pre-concieved notions. I went halfway around the country looking for the perfect woman. All incredible women with so much to give, but who couldn’t deliver the instant bolt of love I had convinced myself was a prerequisite for any long-term relationship to blossom.

My son said something to me that opened my eyes while driving one day that my life changed. I was stuck in traffic, thinking over my life, getting frustrated, yelling at drivers, pissed off and clenching the steering wheel. When the little man popped up from the back seat. “You know Dad, you could try a little more patience. Then you might find that life gets easier.” Out of the mouths of babes, he was absolutely right. I'm in the middle of writing a book (or at least I'm trying to) that tells the story of my comprehensive marriage breakdown, my even more comprehensive mental breakdown, my sexual escapades as an accidental but hardcore “player”, my search for love in the age of the internet and most of all, how I came to repair the fractured relationship I had with my ex wife and son who was two when we divorced. During the writing of this book, and later in the car with my son, I became acutely aware of something that was not only missing from my own life, but also seems to be in danger of disappearing from all our lives: Patience.

We seem to have lost patience with everything. We don’t read books like we used to. We channel surf. We move on if a web page takes more than five seconds to download. We throw away perfectly good things. I guess it’s quicker to replace something than repair it (you'll get that one later). We take our smartphones to dinner. We no longer listen and absorb. We like, we poke, we tweet, we put up selfies on Instagram when we just can’t bear to be in our own company for more than a few minutes. When something comes along that’s newer than what we already have, our instinctive reaction is to throw away what we have and upgrade as quickly as possible. People sleep outside Apple stores overnight to get their hands on a phone the next day??? I tell ya, the whole world has gone cray cray! 

So tomorrow is my 47th birthday and it seems that the older I get, the less patience I apparently have. My biggest relationship lesson has been learning the value of patience and waiting, not just for the web page that I want to appear on my phone or desktop, but also for the relationship that I want the most...with the woman that I want the most. After all, love IS patient...right? I've come a long way since my life crash of 2002, and I have a little more way to go, but none of it would have been possible without God reconstructing my life. If you are also wanting patience in your relationship, be aware that the moment will come when you will have to test the patience you already have. Keep God close, because you'll need Him more than ever...

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Needing Exactly What I Want

With each day that passes, and as I wrap up my 46th year on earth this weekend, I've accumulated a little bit more wisdom and a little bit more knowledge along the way. I've also developed a better understanding of myself and how I operate. If you asked me 10 or 15 years ago where I thought I’d be, I’d have said something about being a grown ass man living in a condo stacking big bucks in some business or computer science role. And if not that, I’d be collecting a hefty paycheck and pursuing lounges doing what I thought grown folks did. I assumed I’d be dating a very attractive and educated woman who viewed her body as a sanctuary and not a playground. There was no way that I’d be able to achieve any of these aspirations without going to college. I knew that college was something that I needed to do. I thought that going through my major with a 3.5 GPA and setting myself up for Business School, Law School, or some Computer Science job was what I needed to do. I thought that being a 4 year athlete and being mildly popular was something that I needed to do. What did I want? Free food, new electronics, an appearance in The College World Series, and a colossal magic stick that would become legendary amongst the ladies. Yes, these are all things I wanted. I got a few of them, but I’ll let you figure out which. 

At this point, I’m well past college. I’m established in the world. I’m not a lawyer, MBA student, or computer sciences specialist. I hate math and I hate standardized tests. So much for those aspirations and needs from my teen years, but I made decent money according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics and my job is respectable. I was grown. At least, that’s what I thought I needed. I took a chance and switched jobs into a career path that I thought I needed to be in which pays significantly less. Add in during this stretch I dated a variety of women that had things I thought that I needed, but they turned out to just be wants. With each woman, I thought I was taking a step up based on my perceived needs. Much to my dismay, the end of each relationship left me feeling like I had taken an increasingly larger step backward. I compromised on things that would’ve made me happier in the long term because I thought I didn’t really “need” them at the time. I thought I "needed" a woman that had a low number of sex partners. I thought I needed a woman with a day job, unparalleled confidence, and roughness around the edges. I wasn’t perfectly molded, but dammit I had my stuff together, and she needed to be same. Unfortunately, having one’s stuff together doesn’t mean they will make a good relationship partner. 

 

Looking back over the last few years, I realized that there have been way too many times where I have confused my needs with wants. Even after senselessly adding stress and strife to my life multiple times over, I still couldn’t tell the difference between what it was I needed versus what I wanted. That was until recently, and I’m still not completely accurate in my assessments. As I grew increasingly dissatisfied with my circumstances, I started to dissect different aspects of my life down to a micro level. I started weighing each action and decision based on how it would affect me in the current and in the future. As I continue to go through this process, I’m realizing that some of the things I claim that I really needed, have been there all along. It just so happened that I previously characterized them as wants in the past. Confused? If you are, imagine how I probably felt.

Many folks say they just want to be happy. I personally think it’s more of a need. Otherwise, it’s just a miserable existence and who really wants that? But what do you think? What do you do when you realize you’re confusing a want with a need? Better yet, have you ever met someone and thought they were the total package for you only to realize they were a disaster? Apply this to work, friends, relationships, family, or whatever, and you'll feel like I do as I reflect on the way my life story has been written out so far...

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Why The Perfect Guy On Paper Is Never Actually Perfect (Guest Blogger)

I read a blog from Jessica Eggert from Elite Daily, and I had to share it with the relationshippers. To men, perfection comes in many different ways for many different people. To women, perfection is another relationship ballgame altogether. Take a read for yourself and tell me what you think...   

Why are we always searching for someone who fits certain criteria of what we think we want? I can’t tell you how many times a friend has said to me, “this guy is perfect on paper, why don’t I like him?” It’s because “perfect on paper” means sh*t regarding how you feel about someone. We’re so focused on finding someone who dresses and acts a certain way, was raised with values that are ideal for us and looks like what we describe as our “type.” Then, someone comes along who fits none of  the above, and you’re like sh*t, why am I so attracted to this person? It’s because the rules of attraction / like / love, have nothing to do with the laundry list that you’ve spent your whole life creating thus far.

One of my favorite quotes is, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I’ve seen so many people say and do things that they think will impress someone they’re interested in. The truth is that you can have the same interests as someone, come from the same background and still have no chemistry. In fact, those factors usually mean nothing when it comes to chemistry.

We always feel pressure to be with people who are similar to us, or fit the description of what is “ideal” to us. The more you give into the pressure to be with someone who you think you “should” be with, the unhappier you will be. At the same time, the more you avoid your feelings for someone who doesn’t fit this image, the unhappier you will be. Take the pressure off of yourself now to find that “perfect person.” He doesn’t exist. You will wind up compromising yourself, by changing yourself to fit the image of whom you think this person would want to be with. In the end, it’s a lose-lose. It probably won’t work out. You will get bored of superficiality and tired of constantly holding him up to arbitrary standards. Instead, just live your life the way you would if nobody were watching. That way, when you find someone you are interested in, you’ll know it’s genuine because it will feel effortless. It may take longer this way, but the end result will be much more satisfying. Besides, what’s the rush?

Have you ever tried to force yourself to like someone because they meet all the “requirements” or learned this lesson the hard way? Share your thoughts in the comments, and send your relationship views to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com for guest blogger consideration.

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What's On My Mind in the Middle of the Night

So I was up last week thinking. Yep it's 1:30am, and I'm just sitting in my bed after a long day at work with my TV off...thinking. I should've been asleep a long time ago, because "The One" brings our son to my house early in the mornings so she can go to work. I make breakfast (sometimes he makes it himself while I get ready), he goes back to bed for a couple of hours, he goes to his camp, then I go to work. At the end of the day, I pick up our son from camp, take him to his baseball practice or game, then take him home (I need his mom to have as much of a break from him as possible). If I have a meeting or a rehearsal to attend, then she meets me at his practice or game to take him home from there. I call all of this "The Summertime Scramble", but its a method that the three of us have been able to pull off without a hitch so far. Now I don’t know why I was thinking about anything other than sheep jumping over a wooden fence this late at night, but I thought about Love...my Love to be exact. In my very sleep deprived mind I thought to myself, if my Love was a car, it would have a strong motor and a perfect transmission. Something that any person who knew cars would love to behold. Coated in chrome, spotless in all facets, and a remnant of good engineering for any that could appreciate it. But the body of that same car would be riddled with bullet holes, the wheels would have been stolen with the car on blocks, the windows busted, the paint peeling and rusted. And what's worst of all, the car wouldn’t be an old jalopy that had long been abandoned, but something close to new that just had been a victim of its environment.

Love at its core is a beautiful thing. It’s something that most of us (including myself) aim and aspire to. It’s what keeps us going out after that bad date, it's what helps motivate us to keep trying after that bad break up, and it's what gives us hope that “it’s gonna be ok”. Ahhh, beautiful Love! At its core, Love is what many of our grandparents had, some of our parents, and a few of our friends. It’s the stuff that is written about in books, and it powers the entire music industry. It's captured in paintings, talked about in poems, and exemplified in front of our eyes in movies (well the good ones at least). It truly is a thing of beauty to behold, it's just too bad you don’t see it that much anymore. I don’t know what has befallen us as a group, but male and female relationships these days are just abysmal. Men don’t trust women, and women are convinced that men are no good. Based on that, it's amazing that any one relationship actually works out. So again, all of this is running through my mind while I’m sitting in bed, thinking.

Now finally I start to focus my sleep deprived mind on me, the one and only Cakeboss, and my relationship with Love. I thought I knew her, but I really don’t know her that much at all. A lot of this was due to my own foolishness, but as a result, I’ve spend a good portion of my life dodging her, and she became foreign to me. She is like a homeless woman whom I don’t want to get near, but I bet if I took the time to know her, she probably has a heart of gold and is a sweetheart. Love has never been cool with me although I really wanted to know her. Whenever her name comes up on my phone…straight to voicemail she goes, because we have nothing to talk about. When I see her out on the street…I’m ducking into an alley. When she shows up at the party I just walked into…I’m making a quick escape out the back door. But why? Maybe it's because I’m selfish…maybe it's because I have a fear of commitment…maybe it's because I want to sow my royal oats, but as I'm coming up on 47 years old, how royal can my oats be? Or maybe it’s one of the other 3,521 reasons handed to “scared men”. Maybe I’m just jaded. Maybe when I see Love, all I see is the bullet ridden exterior that has been ripped to shreds, and am just not willing to invest the time and effort to fix it.

Or maybe, just maybe I’m waiting for "The One" to grab my hand as much as I want to grab hers, bring me to this shell of a former car and show me her view of the beauty that lies beneath. Then together we can restore her to the greatness she once was, and have something we can both be proud of. Then again, maybe I’m sitting in bed thinking just a little too much. I should really get some sleep…

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Relationship Amnesia

(phone rings)

Jerry: “Uh…hello?”
Karen: “Hey baby, how was your day?”
J: “Why are you calling me?”
K: “You're silly…what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t call my man.”
J: *silence*
K: “So are you gonna tell me about your day?”
J: “You have got to be kidding me! Did you forget what happened yesterday?”
K: “We had an argument, but we've had them before. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
J: *sighs* “Are you serious?”
K: “Baby, I know you're not still mad at me.”
J: “Well, you did shoot me 4 times in the stomach with my own gun, and I think you spat on me too. I was only half conscious”
K: “I said I was sorry last night, and even drove you to the hospital. And don’t act like you didn’t do anything. I specifically asked for two small cans of soup, and you brought me one big can.”
J: *pauses* "I went through 7 hours of surgery and they took out one of my kidneys. You really expect me to forget already?”
K: “I did. I said I’m sorry. You just gonna keep holding onto the past?”
J: *hangs up phone*

Relationship Amnesia:
A condition where a person in a relationship quickly forgets the violent, immature, dangerous, or just stupid things they did to their mate within a very short period of time (often 24 hours). Often characterized by conversations pretending like nothing ever happened, a refusal to let go, and blatant ignorance of the other person’s requests (stop calling me, etc). This afflicts males and females. In males it can be a symptom of "bitchassness". In females it is often linked to “cray cray”.

Relationship Amnesia is a serious problem and is messing up the lives of poor individuals all over the country.  If we don’t stop this epidemic soon, who will?  Do you want to be caught off guard when your ex shows up the Christmas dinner smiling with a ham in his hand, as if the curse out and break up you dealt him for sleeping with your co-worker never happened?

Relationship Amnesia exists in more than one form. You have temporary amnesia, and chronic amnesia. Let me explain: the temporary form may only happen once or twice, and will usually be big.  This is the girl who just doesn’t want to believe that its over, or the guy who won’t acknowledge that he cheated. You get the idea. Of those afflicted, some when confronted with their recent wrong doing, try and blame the other. Now for the worst kind, the chronic case. This case inflicts those individuals who are always forgetting what they did. They will curse you out, hang up on you, insult your character, then call you the next day like nothing is wrong. Or you might have been mad and did the cursing because of some issue (lying, cheating, forgot you at the airport), the call ends with nothing resolved, and the next day they hit you up like your not still angry. You may also have fits of selective memory where their version never puts them in the wrong. For example:

• “Don’t forget my birthday like you did last year, lol.”
• “What are you talking about? I didn’t forget it.”
• “Yeah you did, remember you came over and saw the balloons and then apologized because you had been working so hard. Its not a big deal, we had only been dating 2 weeks.”
• “I have no idea what your talking about, I never forget birthdays…ask my mama!”
• “Baby, its ok. You went and got me that cute teddy bear the same day. Its alright.”
• “Why you always gotta make me out to be the bad guy? I AIN'T FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY!”

This poor guy suffers from Relationship Amnesia. So here at Relationship Lessons, we are concerned about this epidemic and the implications it will have on good honest people, trying to hold good honest relationships. Therefore I am starting the “Remember or Die” campaign. We will soon have shirts, hats, shot glasses, thongs, boy shorts, and sport bras…all with the slogan printed on them.  Every donation will go to purchase Gingko Biloba, notepads, video recorders, and phone recording devices for these forgetful bastards. 

The first step is sharing. Have you ever had a fit of Relationship Amnesia? Have you dated someone afflicted with Relationship Amnesia? Is someone you currently don’t want to talk to still calling you because of their fit with Relationship Amnesia?

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Four Reasons Why Youre Single...For Your Protection (Guest Blogger)

I am always impressed with bloggers and I have to admit, when I grow up I want to be like some of the bloggers I have been introduced to. A few weeks ago I received an email from a young lady who has a site celebrating Black Love and Inspiration for Saved Singles called "B.L.I.S.S.". You can catch her blogs and a whole lot more that she has to offer at blissforsingles.com. I promise that today will not be her last guest blogging appearance here on RL. Ladies and gentlemen for your reading pleasure, I introduce to you Tatianah Green.

“It’s my blessing, and I want it NOW!” Sounds like a money loan commercial, but have you ever felt that way about a blessing…in the form of a mate or spouse? A new season comes and you are single once again, hoping somewhere, somehow that some change in the air will bring about a change in your relationship status romantically. You may get an impatient moment and cross your arms, being provoked too many times by friends and family about having a boo, and get upset about the whole thing. That’s the impatient point that can lead to doubting what God is doing for your life. God is at work doing a thing for you. If He has already done it, He is waiting on you to walk into that blessing and be prepared to receive it. In this impatient episode in our lives, we have to have the spiritual understanding that us being single is not God denying us just to be doing so, He may be doing so for our very own protection. Here are four reasons why God protects us by denying us dating or a relationship in our single seasons.

We aren’t ready: Preparation is key; too many of us pretend to be prepared and come up short in the relationships we get ourselves into because we truly, in some way, were not ready. God can be keeping you in this single state because you are immature, need deliverance, too wishy-washy, lazy, etc. For example, You can’t say in one breath that you don’t want a relationship then in the next breath long for companionship that goes beyond just friends. Either you want a relationship or you don’t; that in-between stuff will get you in trouble. But if you’re not ready, for whatever reason, this is good to admit to yourself so and understand the why's. God wants to protect your heart from emotions in a relationship that’s no good for you. If this is your reason why you are single, don’t be ashamed to be single and know why. We are adults; we all have issues we need to admit to so that we can move forward, be free, and get what we deserve in life.

More than we could handle: This can also speak to the maturity thing, but being in a real relationship takes a lot of work, sacrifice, and time to make things happen. You will have good days, and you will have bad. Are you truly prepared to handle the bad? Are you willing to offer prayers of petition for your mate, help them on their rough, sick days? Are you willing to put in the effort to make it successful? Not everybody is capable of the physical, emotional, spiritual tests that come with the things that we really want in life. Family, career, love, all of that will take a toll on you, but God gives us the strength to get up and get it handled every day. God would not give you anything more than you can bear, so take His direct or indirect message of “I need you to be single right now,” as a sign that He got you. He’s protecting you, while in the process exercising you for passing those future tests with flying colors. If this is the reason why you are single, pray strength in the areas in which you are weak and get ready for the tests that will exercise you.

We wouldn’t appreciate the gift: Waiting and patience are characteristics that God is trying to build in us because there will be times when we will have to wait for important things to happen. Perhaps God is working to get you to appreciate not just what you will eventually have, but the time that it took to get to that point. Enjoy this journey because when it’s all over, you will have a new journey to begin, just with a partner by your side and God to guide you both.  We can get so impatient and worried that we make it about us once we get a mate and neglect to show the kind of love God requires a man and a woman to have for one another. The blessing is here, but you are still struggling with impatience, and that will present itself to be a problem later on. Will you appreciate them with respect, love and kindness like you always imagined, or will you be distracted by your fleshly desire to have something you want? It’s hard to appreciate something you didn’t work for. Will you appreciate/value them more knowing all you have gone through? If this is the reason why you are single, take some time to make a list for things that you are grateful for. Are they superficial or deeper things?

We wouldn’t appreciate the gift-giver: Now that the boo is here, we throw God on the back burner like a magic 8 ball or something. God knows us more than we give Him credit for. If He knows you are not gonna give Him the glory for a mate, why would He give them to you? His love is abounding for us but we have to come correct and be in tune with our first love- Father God-our source of all things good, pure and true. We can’t neglect God at any season in our lives; our lives depend on Him to continue thriving, especially in the fragile stages of relationships. God may deny you of a mate because you wouldn’t appreciate Him i.e. replace Him with a person, who is going to fail you at times, let you down, and may even hurt you. God doesn’t do any of that. The appreciation for God and His gifts come from a heart for the Father, His righteousness and His plan for your life. He deserves the glory in your life and in your relationship; don’t line your life up with anyone that won’t bring you closer to God. If this is your reason why you are single, don't date til you got your priorities in order. God wants us to not just date aimlessly; we need to seek Him and the right person will be presented or come along.

You don't have to let others speak for you, if YOU have a view on love and relationships. Let me hear from you via email at relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com and you can let the blogging world know through blogger.com, Google, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Yahoo and Tumblr. 

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Five Myths About Introverts in Relationships

I was out last week at a fraternal event in Chicago to fulfill my brotherly obligation after a long day in the office. If you know anything about me, I’m much more likely to go home after a long day than to a party where I have to channel my inner chatsworth. That’s part of the whole introvert thing with me, so making it to the event was kinda like a big deal. I figured I’d go in, make my rounds, do a few secret handshakes, have a drink or two, then be out. A typical Cakeboss appearance during a long week of indentured servitude. So I walked in, said what up to a few brothers, found the chicken (never been to a bruh event that didn’t have chicken), then went to the bar. After copping a drink, I found a spot to post up. It’s a ritual of sorts. Sip, check my battery, say hello to someone, make small talk, repeat. A couple of ladies were seated nearby at a high table. They saw me chilling in solitude, so they waved me over. I introduced myself, got their names, forgot their names, then went through a scenario I’ve come to know too well...

Chick 1: You looked lonely over there.
Chick 2: Yeah, are you okay?
Me to self: I was okay until you called me over here.
Me to them: Yeah, I’m good. Haha, just chillin’. Long day today.
Chick 2: Do you know anybody here?
Me: (after asking her to repeat herself 3 times) Yeah, I’m a Sigma.
Chick 2: (after asking me to repeat myself 3 times) Ohhh, really? You don’t seem like one.
Me to self: Well, your breath smells like mongoose droppings and Appletini, but you seem like you brushed your teeth.
Me to her: I get that a lot.
Chick 1: I can’t hear you!
Me: (nasal sigh) My bad. Hold on, I’ll be back.

I didn’t go back over there until it was time to leave, and they looked at me sideways when I headed out the door. I realized I’d probably come off as a less than voracious wackasaurus, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t there to meet or impress anybody. I had no interest in yelling over the music. I was there to support. And as I headed to the train station, it dawned on me how often women probably meet men who come off the same way I did. I thought about the easily formed misconceptions people have about introverts. I didn’t exactly do a great job of “representing” introverts everywhere, so I decided to write this post and debunk a few myths. This is more so about the fellas, but I’m sure women can identify too.

Myth #1, Introverts lack social skills: We don’t lack social skills, we’re just environmentally challenged sometimes. For me, the more crowded the room got and the louder the music blared, the less interest I had in carrying on any type of extended conversation. It actually felt like I was powering the massive sub-woofers. That’s cool until the music stops. If those same two women met me at Denny’s after they let out, on the street, in a less crowded setting, or on a different day at the same venue, they’d have gotten a different version of me. One that was much more reflective of the person I am, when I’m in my element and in the mood. Key takeaway for introverts: If you’re looking to meet people of the opposite sex, know where you thrive and when your energy is the highest. There’s no point in hitting up the club or a loud bar if your battery is gonna die in an hour. Might as well stay home plugged into the charger watching some reality show. 

Myth #2, Introverts are shy: I looked up the definition of shy and got the following: Having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people. By this definition, every time introverts are around people, they’re prone to spinning in circles while the voices of the crowd get chopped-n-screwed. All this happens before the introvert lets out a cry of “get away from me!” and bolts for the door. That’s not introversion. That’s something that most likely requires pills and therapy. Introversion isn’t a medical condition or predilection for exit signs. Some extroverts and wishful daters don’t get that. Introverts aren’t scared of people or interaction. We actually enjoy talking and observing, and can probably tell you more about yourself than you can about us (Just don’t ask us to yell over the crowded room). And that’s without you disclosing much. Put more simply, we’re thinkers with great inductive reasoning skills. Great minds don’t always talk a boisterous game, because sometimes we just like to show you. Which leads me to the next myth…

Myth #3, Introverts don't have game or know how to approach the opposite sex: A good number of women I know who’ve dated introverted dudes said it took time for the guy to grow on them (no pun intended). That’s not an accident. After all, we’re some of the greatest tricksters (not necessarily a bad thing) out there. As I noted above, we extract a lot of information from people without revealing much about ourselves, then we charm our way to your hearts when we go one-on-one. Also, the same women that said it took time for the guy to grow on them noted that the man did make the initial approach. He didn’t always knock it out the park on the first meeting (usually somewhere with an excessive decibel level), but he piqued enough interest to get their contact information…their real contact information. After that, he took the lead and channeled all that chi through the headboard once he got over the moat. Once again, it’s all about energy and setting. We may not always get you at Club Capacity, but we’ll get you at the grocery store while you’re squeezing the tomatoes and judging the lettuce.

Myth #4, Introverts lack confidence: I’ll say this, comfort and confidence are two different things. So I feel the same way about comfort zones. I don’t consider yelling over music at the club to be a good example of going out of your comfort zone. I call that stupid. However, approaching a small group of women at a mixer because you’re  interested in one is right up the alley. The only thing she has to do is smile and be inviting (by the way, if me saying "smile" made you frown, you need to move to a different city.). I’ve also learned that the biggest barks often come from people that look in the mirror and see a chihuahua. So if you equate being gregarious, loud, and social to being a great and confident person, you’re wrong. Some folks can’t function without spotlights, but introverts can. We don’t need social validation because we’re good with ourselves. None of that “you are beautiful, no matter what they say” necessary. Words aren’t bringing us anywhere.

Myth #5, Introverts are boring: Fun is relative, but so is adventure. If you’re looking for someone to climb the Himalayas with you and your high strung friends, then party with the locals over a meal of wild boar meats and field mice patties, an introvert probably isn’t the one for you. But if you’re cool with small group outings, dinners, house parties, game nights, and adventures that don’t always require working the room with faux-interest in what other people are saying, then we can have some fun. Besides, we introverts are mysterious. How often have you heard someone describe an introvert as mysteriously boring?

These are just five myths about introverts that I commonly hear. I could go on and on, but I want to know what you have to say. Which do you consider yourself? Introvert or extrovert? For the introverts out there, do you agree with this list? Are there things you would add? For the extroverted, are you more drawn to extroverts or do you consider the introverted types when it comes to dating? This is probably a good time to ask about things you don’t understand about introverts. All thoughts are welcome!

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The Fear of Not Being Enough

One of my biggest relationship fears in life is that people are better off without me. I worry that the room becomes more awesome when I leave it; the air becomes lighter when I’m not breathing it; Things magically become better because I’m not there. When I was little, I was always sent to bed before my older brothers, so while the OTHER young Randle boys watched 70′s sitcoms, I’d be exiled to my bedroom. I’d be so upset, begging for a few more minutes because I was certain that, when I went to bed, the real fun would start (it probably didn’t help that my brothers periodically told me I was adopted). I don’t know what I was imagining: strippers? (don't ask) clowns? (to this day I'm afraid of them) a live pony and pool full of chocolate? I was certain that when I left the room, things would immediately get better. It never dawned on me that, sometimes, I was actually pretty tired.

I think that’s why break ups are so hard for me. No matter how dysfunctional or disillusioned, I’m always afraid that I’m the reason things sucked. I’m always focused on how I can be better, brighter, happier and more accommodating. I’m always terrified that, while I’m sad or upset, they’re happier and freer without me. I give away all my power and joy when I imagine that I’m the sole reason things are (or aren’t) good. I simultaneously make myself more important and less important than I truly am. This elaborate scenario boils down to something pretty common: “a fear of not being enough” (Google it. It’s actually a thing). I read a quote that said “Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.” I think this is the same for not-enough-ness. Here’s the truth: WE must only be enough for ourselves. When we can look at ourselves and say, “I’m enough for me.” Everything else is sort of foolish. Why? Because NO ONE (no coach, saint, sinner, rock star, lover, best friend, counselor, therapist, poet, preacher, guru, shaman, spirit), NO ONE is enough to cure someone else’s not-enough-ness. And on some level, most of us are suffering from this affliction.There is a special kind of narcissism involved in thinking that your presence has a permanent impact on someone else. People generally speaking, are happy or miserable independently of you. Yes, you can totally brighten up someone’s day, and yes, an unkind word might make someone miserable for the moment…but NO ONE is the sole reason for another’s content (or discontent). You can only make someone happy (or miserable) if they let you. I’m using the word “make” here loosely, ya’ll. We are all responsible for our own emotions. 

I like to think of it like this: everyone is walking around in their own little room (a crowded cocktail party in their own heads). You might add to the dynamic, you might even dance inside of a circle, but you alone cannot create or destroy someone’s life. Everyone has their own personal energy. Everyone is living in their own personal dramatic story (it sounds crazy, but secretly…it’s a little true). So today, I’m working to stop competing in the invisible happiness war. It’s time to stop torturing myself about whether or not they are happier that I’m not around. The circular thinking is incessant: are they happier? Have they moved on? Can the new boo make them happier? The real question then becomes: Am I happier? Am I freeer? Am I more awesome by myself? And even beyond those questions, the realest ones of all: How can I cure my own not-enoughness? How can be enough for myself? How can I feel awesome in the company of myself?

Is anyone else in a happiness war with themselves? Let’s make a peace treaty together!

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Where Is Your Faith? (Guest Blogger)

A few weeks ago, I received an email from Russelyn Williams who has a website called intercession4ageneration.org. This website covers the gamut for Christian young adults, and as I look through her website, it has a plenty to offer. It's my hope that my relationshippers from around the world would check out her site (especially her blogs) for the Christian perspective for a new generation. Today she talks about waiting on the Lord for your Mr. Right, so take a read from Russelyn's viewpoint...

Sometimes life can be challenging as a Christian single. I can say for myself just a few days ago, I met a fine godly brother, which always seems to spark some sort of anxiety in me.  It makes me feel a bit of a rush for him to get my number and call me already. When you have waited so long and haven't seen any prospects that seem to be available or a good fit. However, when I  finally see one, I'm ready for take off, and when that doesn't happen it becomes easy for me to become discouraged.  So, I  have no choice but to continue on living life as usual. Shortly, after my bout of anxiety I had to finish up one more school teaching  abstinence education to high school students, and I thought to myself do I really believe this stuff that I am teaching? Do I want these young girls that I am speaking to to end up like me alone? In between classes, the thought came to my mind where is your faith? I looked up that phrase in the bible and came across Luke 8:22-25.

Luke 8:22-25 shares the story of Jesus and his disciples being in a ship, and Jesus says to his disciples, "Lets cross over to the other side of land." In other words, God is taking them somewhere. Jesus gets on the boat and falls asleep, and then a storm comes. The disciples began to freak out. They say things like we are going to drown. The anxiety of the storm has totally overridden the thought of them crossing over to the other side of land. Finally, in a panic they awake Jesus, and he calms the storm.  Then, he looks at his disciples saying the words I heard God say to me, "where is your faith?"

I can only interject with speculation as to why Jesus asked his disciples where is your faith. Could it be that they thought they would not get to the other side. Could it be that they cast off their faith for a moment not realizing who they really had on that boat with them and the power that he possessed.  Not realizing that even in situations that seem uncomfortable or outside of our control, he is still God and able to bring to pass what he said. In this case, Jesus had told them that they were crossing over to the other side. They faced the storm and forgot that Jesus said they were going to the other side and they almost gave up. However, Jesus was on the boat with them, and when they went to Jesus everything became ok, and they crossed over to that other side.

In the same sense, we are on our way somewhere. God has made us promises, and we are walking by faith to get to those promises. Like the disciples, when a storm comes or opposition comes we sometimes are quick to give up, and to get discouraged. But if we can re-kindle our faith and remember who is in the storm with us, and who made the promise (Jesus), and that he has the power to calm even the winds in our lives; we too will get to the other side.

Getting back to the single thing. I sometimes struggle with my faith in that area. Although, it seems it's easy for me to believe God for certain things, I've often struggled with my faith to believe God for a godly spouse going back and forth with my faith for that. Largely, due to the fact that I did not see any godly men around my age. But faith is not seeing and then believing, but about believing although, you do not see.

Another nugget God gave me at one point in time as it relates to my faith for a godly man is (Mark 11:23) For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. A mountain would be to man an impossible thing to move, just like a godly woman meeting a godly man seems impossible to some of us who have never experienced it, but we cannot lose our faith. Because when we lose our faith we forfeit our blessing, and we settle for drowning in our current circumstance in life. So, keep your faith even if it's really small because it's that small amount of faith that will get you to your promise.

This blog post may not only apply to singles. There may be other promises that we are waiting to have come to pass in our lives.

1. What are some promises God has given you, and you felt like is this possible? Will I make it to this promise or will I drown in my current circumstance of life?
2. What do you learn from this story on how to handle your current circumstance on your way to the promise?

Feel free to send me an email to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com if you wish to become a guest blogger. Your content must be about your perspective about love and relationships, and it must be at least 200 words. Don't let the number of words scare you. You'll be amazed as to how many words you come across once you get started...

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More Questions and Answers

Feel free to send me your questions, comments or concerns to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com. Keep in mind that most, if not all questions asked will be published on the blog along with an answer...

Dear Relationship Lessons,

I recently got out of a long term relationship with someone who either wasn’t willing or wasn’t able to meet my needs. Not sure which was the case. I feel like I let him get away with doing the bare minimum and I eventually got tired of it, but it took a long time to get to that point. Something inside of me felt like I was entitled to more than he was giving to the relationship. But on the other hand, I had a hard time asking anything of him out of the fear of appearing or feeling needy. On a side note, I think some of us who were raised by single mothers learned that we were supposed to do things for ourselves and never expect to get much reciprocity from men. For about the last half of the relationship, I felt like I was carrying it all. He always had time for everybody else and tried his hardest not to disappoint them, but he could come up with all the excuses in the world for why he had to cancel our plans or couldn’t help me with something. Yet whenever he needed something, who do you think was the first to be called? Evidently, none of those priority people, and he certainly had time for me then. But when I would tell him that I already had plans or couldn’t do what he needed he would lay a guilt trip on me about how I was the only person that he had. I would fall for that mess every time. Anytime I told him that I needed him to contribute equally to the relationship it felt like I was doing something wrong, like maybe I was expecting too much of another person. I was informed by a good friend that I was confusing being needy with having needs. And when I think about it makes a lot of sense, because I didn’t really want anything over-the-top from him. I just wanted to know that my love was appreciated and for him to show me that I was important to him too. Didn’t get that, didn’t even get a call on my birthday. I had never really differentiated between the two terms before, but I do know that I’ve heard women being called needy left and right by their exes and love interests. Some of them I think actually were needy when I think about it. But others seem like they were merely expecting, ya know...a relationship where their man actually helps to maintain it. There are needy men and women out there, but it seems as though the word needy is used as a blanket statement against women, and no woman wants to ever be thought of as needy and some of us will try to avoid it at all costs. So I ask, what is the definition of a needy woman to a man? Do men differentiate between needy women and women with needs?

 
As always, thanks for the submission! You bring up a few interesting points that I want to comment on and I’ll do my best to answer your question before the post is over. The first line that caught my attention was this one…

I think some of us who were raised by single mothers learned that we were supposed to do things for ourselves and never expect to get much reciprocity from men.

I see this quality in a number of women not limited to just those raised by single mothers. As a side note for myself (and on a somewhat related topic), I notice many men hesitate to date single mothers because they think they’ll have to take on the responsibility of being a father figure, and they recoil at the idea of instantaneously going from single man to single-responsible-man. Of course that is their choice to make, however their fears are only moderately justified. Clearly, as a single mother, she’s already perfectly capable of raising a child on her own. Further, although it obviously depends on the level of involvement of the biological father, the child already has a dad. I think some men confuse a woman who wants help with a woman looking for a replacement, which is not the same thing.

In the same context, some women are guilty of the same. They either don’t know how or are unwilling to let go of the reigns of control they have solely held on to for so long in order to allow a man to help them. In addition, sometimes women are so used to sacrificing for others (as you seem to allude to in your story) that they give too much of themselves to others benefit; even if doing so is to their own personal detriment. I would also make sure that it is mutual reciprocity you are truly seeking, which means you desire a return of equal investment, and this has not been confused with sole reliance, which means your happiness comes from or is dependent on another. To expect others to create your happiness rather than sustain it may be an unfair burden, but expecting reciprocity from men (or whomever) is normal and it is definitely not a reason for you to feel guilty. This brings me to the next portion of your question.

There are needy men and women out there, but it seems as though the word needy is used as a blanket statement against women, and no woman wants to ever be thought of as needy and some of us will try to avoid it at all costs. So I ask, what is the definition of a needy woman to a man? Do men differentiate between needy women and women with needs?

I only have what you’ve shared here to go on, but it doesn’t sound like you had any unreasonable expectations. However, being perceived as “needy” is subjective to the person you are dating. In my opinion, it wouldn’t be inaccurate to say “needs are in the eyes of the beholder.” To answer your question, what one man might perceive as “needy” the next man might view as perfectly reasonable. Men do not differentiate between a needy woman and a woman with needs, because they can technically be one in the same. I will say this: when a man really likes or loves a woman, he wants to meet all of her needs (and most of her wants). Men in love find happiness in their woman’s happiness, so they generally go out of their way to make sure she’s happy by, in this case, ensuring her needs are met.

I would like to clarify that overall a man’s opinion on your needs shouldn’t matter either. I’m sure he has his own set of needs that he didn’t seek your approval on. If there are certain minimal needs you want satisfied as a woman, then you should want a man that is willing to meet those needs. I’m also of the opinion that the man for you will want to satisfy your needs. This isn’t to say your needs shouldn’t remain fluid, especially if they are unreasonable (and I’m not saying they are in your case), but regardless of what your needs are, because at the end of the day they are your needs they should be defined by you not dictated by a man. Once you’ve clarified your needs for yourself, then you should communicate them to the man in your life. A man should clearly understand what your needs are (please don’t make him guess, men hate that). To the best of his abilities, he should try to meet those needs and if he can’t, that should be a discussion on why or why not as well. Ideally, you both understand what the other needs in the relationship in order to be happy and you strive towards meeting that goal...

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Five Ways to Celebrate Relationship Independence Day

Independence Day in America is annually celebrated on July 4, and is often known as "The Fourth of July". It's the anniversary of the publication of The Declaration of Independence from Great Britain in 1776. So as America celebrates Independence Day today, many people including myself plan on taking time to rest from a long week of working. Enjoying time with friends, family, food and fireworks in Chicago while "The One" is also doing the same thing in another part of the country. In relationships, you also have to celebrate your independence day because doing things alone will definitely bolster your doing things together. It's wonderful to lose yourself in your loved one, but how healthy is it for your long-term plans to stay exclusive? Discover how to balance independence with involvement, and make your relationship stronger. Be independent and you'll live a much richer life. Why? Because you won't always be thinking about your every move in making sure that he or she is there to hold your hand. And by not always mentally editing your actions, thoughts and feelings to make sure they approve. Not to mention that you'll have more inner confidence as well. You'll also have a better relationship because no one wants a clingy and dependent mate. They want a partner with their own ideas, their own passions, and their own life. They want someone who stays because they care, not because they're scared of being alone. The bottom line is that while too much is a bad sign, some independence is vital in love. So consider today's blog five ways on how to stay independent.

Remember who you were - Don't drop the friends, hobbies or lifestyle you had at the start of the relationship in order to fit in with your significant other. If they don't share these friends, hobbies or lifestyles, there's no need to abandon them. If they fulfill you, keep them in your life.

Be more self-reliant - Common sense says don't ask your man or woman to do things you're unsure about. You should bite the bullet and do it yourself, and even if you fall flat the first time, it will reinforce your idea of yourself, and their idea of you as an effective and independent person.

Project yourself as independent - When you're with others, make an effort to say "I" instead of "we". Offer your own point of view rather than letting your significant other speak for both of you. Fix work and social arrangements without always checking back with him or her first.

Keep developing - Do things you find emotionally or physically challenging. Why not try skydiving, public speaking or even a fire walk? Building your confidence this way will reinforce the idea that you can cope even in a crisis, and that you don't need your partner to rescue you on a daily basis.

Take breaks - It's great to be together, but 24/7 bonding creates dependence. At least twice a year you should take a weekend away, either with friends or on your own. Do it to simply to gain a fresh view that you can share when you reunite.

If you need constant reassurance, or you need to let them make every decision, or if you feel your world would collapse if he or she left, then it's possible that your dependency may be rooted in other problems. Just sometimes, a partner may be so insecure in themselves that he or she actively wants a dependent mate because that makes them feel needed, important and in control. Try giving them security in other ways, by stressing how much you value and love them but insist on developing your own individuality. If you're always compromising yourself by being with a partner, you may have to make a difficult choice, and let him or her go.

Start asserting your independence today by thinking of something you'd really like to do and suggest it to your partner. If they're up for it, you've taken the lead. If they're not keen on the idea, then give him or her a big smile and simply do it by yourself. But most importantly, have a great time! Happy Independence Day...

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No Husband, No Kids, No Problem (Guest Blogger)

It's guest blogger time again, and the blogs just keep on coming! Thank for writing and sending them in to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com for consideration. Today's blog represents what I often hear from so many women who are living the single life in a relationship filled world. Keita from St. Louis captures it well, so check it out... 

I'm 30 years old, I’m not married, nor do I have any offspring of my own. I know this can be shocking to you, but it’s really okay. I am not unstable, or emotionally challenged.  As far as I know, my eggs are in order and when I am ready to procreate with the right person, I will be able to do so.  I bring this up to make a point. It is really rude and equally annoying to get caught up in conversations with third party individuals and other randoms who feel the need to question my tax filing status and potential dependents.

The other night I ran into an old classmate from high school. As we were chatting it up, I asked her what she had been up to, and her response was that she is married now and has two kids. She returned the question, and I responded very candidly that I am not married, and I do not have any kids, but I have been working on my career, writing and traveling. Then it happened. She asked me what I was waiting for. Uh, pardon??? I didn’t realize that I was waiting for anything. In my mind, I just figured that when a man and babies was supposed to happen for me, it would. I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe I’m behind the curve and didn’t know. What’s really funny, but not, is that I get asked this question all. the. time. Nobody is really asking me if I got promoted, or if I’ve contributed to mankind. I have goals, I have dreams, ask me about those things. Instead I get asked why I’m not married with kids? It’s irritating! Since when did being married with kids define if I was successful or not? To be honest, I think people ask the question to be nosey. Do you really want an explanation? I could come up with one if I needed to. Let’s say I was crazy. Would you really want me to go into details about just how crazy I can be? Probably not.

At one point when I was younger, I thought that by the time I reached 25, I would be married with kids (which I am going to shorten to MWK). Knowing now what I know, I couldn’t imagine being MWK at such a young age. There are times when I get asked the MWK question often enough that I start to ask myself what’s wrong with me? Then I take a look at where I am in my life, and where I want to be and I am reminded that it’s just not my time yet. I should come up with a list of clever responses for all the nosey people who keep asking me what’s my deal. Here are a few that I’ve come up with so far: Hey Keita, why aren’t you married yet?

1. I was married and divorced at 21, and I’d rather be more selective next time.
2. After doing the math, I'm aware that there are an odd ratio of men to women, and I’m the one that lucked out.
3. I have a husband and kids. I just haven’t met them yet.
4. I was using you as a role model, and I’ll pass.

Even though I am 30, I don’t ever want to find myself in a “might as well” situation just so I can be MWK. A “might as well” situation is when you’ve been with someone for so many years, and you two have been through so much together, that you “might as well” just get married. Sure, I have my moments when I want the Cosby life, but I also want to be MWK under the best circumstances possible.  Before I take any steps toward marriage, I want to be sure it’s right.  Marriage is supposed to be exciting and I wouldn’t want to get married as a last result. I have met enough “might as well” couples that are only married because someone was ride or die and stuck it out through all the BS, but they don’t truly seem happy. I might as well take being asked why I’m not MWK with a grain of salt and not let it bother me. With so much media influence, and these newfound relationship experts, I am not surprised people are so concerned with everyone else’s status. Even if you have that itch and want to get married as soon as possible, never make light of your other attributes. It may not be your time for marriage or kids, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your time to shine somewhere else. 

Is there something you want to express on the blog about the state of your relationship or about relationships in general? Send it to me as soon as you can to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com. 

  

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Five Ways Men Break Up With Women

People have some really strange rules involving break-ups: You can’t break-up with someone within 72 hours of having sex, 7 days before or after their birthday, during the month of any major holiday, and never in the seasons of winter, spring, or summer. Given all these rules, you can technically only break-up with someone on Thursdays in September. Stop making excuses! Let’s be clear, break-ups are never easy but they are a necessary evil. If you’re not putting 110% into a relationship, you are doing yourself and your partner a disservice. I have found that men employ five primary break-up techniques, and I will discuss these below in the order of difficulty, and hopefully provide some insight on why a man might have chosen a particular method in your past. 

5. The Houdini: He disappears. The easiest of the methods, all a man has to do is fall off the face of the Earth. He doesn’t have to explain himself. He doesn’t have to have any awkward talks. He doesn’t even have to come up with a good reason. This is reserved for women he does not care about: jump-offs, side chicks, (garden tools). It may also include women he is confident he can avoid running into for the rest of his life (or at least 6 months), such as: out-of-towners, one night stands, girls he met at a wedding, friends of friends of friends who don’t run in the same circles. You may disagree, but he has decided you are not worth the hassle of the break-up discussion. This is the most low-class disrespectful move a man can pull, yet it happens every day.

4. The Illusionist: He remains only in form. Rather than formally break-up, he slowly withdraws from the relationship mentally, physically or emotionally. He wants out, but he is not man enough to end it. Instead, he lets the relationship die a slow painful death. There will be no mercy kill. He's a  coward, and he might break-up with you over text or via a surprise Facebook status update to ‘Single.’ In a perfect world, he really wants you to break-up with him. However, if you are equally weak willed or too stubborn to accept it’s over, this pathetic excuse for a relationship might last forever.

3. The Bastard: He cheats. Cheating is easier than remaining faithful. The Bastard doesn’t respect you enough or have the courage to break up. He is, by far, the worst. He endangers you emotionally, physically and mentally because of his own selfish pursuits. In his mind: Me is greater than You. Usually this method is most common, and experienced by many, however The Bastard's next relationship doesn't last that long either.

Now to talk about the remaining two ways in a little more depth...

2. The Good Guy: You love him almost as much as you hate him. You hate him because he uses you in the nicest way possible and you can’t do anything about it. You love him. He knows it. You know it. Most women prefer this break-up even though it is not the break-up they need. In fact, it is one of the worst. What women overlook is the fact that The Good Guy is inherently selfish. While he appears to have your best interest at heart, he actually puts himself first and always. He is so fearful of being labeled a bad guy by you, your family or your friends, he rather mislead you than accept this title. Since he never cheats physically, he avoids drawing accusation from you and eases his own subconscious. However, he mentally and emotionally gets a head start on checking out of the relationship before you, in order to make his own transition easier.

After the formal “break-up,” he will still make love to you. Sure, you told him you can handle it but you’re lying. He knows, through sex, you are trying to lure him back or at minimum, keep him around. Regardless, he still has sex with you because he places his best interests before yours. He feasts on your emotional and physical sacrifices until he is gorged, but offers you nothing of substance in return. He leaves you feeling empty, he is honest without ever telling the truth, he doesn’t lie but he tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. For instance, when you ask if there is a future for you in his life, he gives you an ambiguous response when he knows the clear answer is no. He uses you like a pit stop between serious courtships with other women but assures you his future is with you. 

He uses your hope to keep you paralyzed while he uses the fact that you’ll always be there for him to propel himself forward. You’re left waiting, often in vain, as he gives the love you long for to other women until one of those women finally becomes his wife. Even in marriage, given the chance, he continues to let you believe there may be a future for you two if things don’t work out. Deep down both of you know this day will never come because, unfortunately, you were never anything more than his back-up plan.

1. The Man: He performs the most taken for granted act there is: He tells you the truth. Some men will never be The Man because it is the hardest break-up ever. The Man doesn’t play games with a woman. He doesn’t wait until he has a back-up relationship. He knows you are worth more than a callous text message. Out of respect, he chooses to tell you in person. He is not cruel, but he doesn’t lie. If he realizes the relationship is not heading in the direction you both agreed to, he tells you. The hardest part is the responsibility. The Man must step up and end the relationship even if she thinks it can be salvaged if he knows in his heart it cannot. When things get emotionally heated (and they will) he cannot engage in the same hurtful rhetoric she uses on him. Emotion, pride, and defense may make her attack and seek to inflame the same response in him. He knows that in order for her to cope she might need to hate him temporarily or forever.

Her friends, by obligation, must take her side and make him out to be the bad guy. The Man does not manipulate her emotions to save face like The Good Guy. He puts his pride and ego aside because he realizes it’s not about him. Even in break-up, The Man does what is best for the woman even if that means putting her needs before his own. He must look into her tear-filled eyes and continue to tell the truth. If there is no future for the relationship when she asks, he responds “No” and does not waver. He doesn’t encourage false hope. The Man realizes that just because she will settle for a part of him rather than none of him does not mean she doesn’t deserves a man who will give her his all. The Man’s burden is the most difficult. It’s possible all he will have left to comfort himself is the knowledge that he told the truth. Having remained faithful in principle and in practice during their relationship, he will have to start over…alone.

This is why most men never use this technique, preferring the combinations of 5, 4, 3 and 2, rather than ever shouldering the full responsibility of being The Man. They know being the man she wants is easy, but being the man she needs is difficult. Given the choice to end the relationship as a falsely glorified Good Guy, or living long enough to see himself labeled a villain, he chooses villainy if it will benefit the woman he cares about more. A real man recognizes that she deserves happiness even if he is not the man to inspire it.

So in your relationship life, which breakup(s) have YOU experienced? Feel free to comment and discuss...

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