As most of you should know by now, I seem to have NO problem with falling on my own relationship sword, if it means someone will learn the lessons from it and change their perspective. So in an attempt to unburden myself with another confession, here we go. I admit that I spent years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully
choosing her. I did want to be with her, I really wanted to choose her. She was
an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my
whole body laugh with her quick wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic
beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy
place. I loved her wildly.
As it unfortunately happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how
to do love well, quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship.
Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained,
immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was
another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better. As
the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head,
I chose her less and less. Everyday that passed, I admit that I chose her a
little less. I stayed with her, but I just stopped choosing her. We both
suffered as a result.
Choosing her would have meant focusing everyday on the gifts she was
bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty,
sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so much more. Sadly, I often found
it nearly impossible to embrace or even see what was so wildly wonderful about
her. I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects
of her personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more
I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst
behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship, which
still made me choose her even less. Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself
out over the years.
She fought hard to make me choose her, and when you think about it, that was
a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love
you. To be fair, I can't say that she didn’t fully choose me either until it was evident that I no longer chose her. I realize now however,
that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not
choosing her everyday, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would
abandon her. Actually, I did abandon her.
By not fully choosing her everyday, and by focusing on what bothered me rather
than what I adored about her, I deserted her like a precious fragrant flower I
brought proudly into my home, but failed to water. I left her alone in
countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our relationship. Now that I've learned from my failings, I’ll never not choose another woman that I love
again, simply because it’s torture for everyone. If you’re in relationship,
or even contemplating being in one, I invite and challenge you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?” If you can’t
find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as
noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do”. If you can’t find it
today, ask yourself again tomorrow. I understand that we all have disconnected
days sometimes. But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why
you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is filled with stress, let
them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them
with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them
every day. Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen everyday, and
you do too.
relationshiplessons.net
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