Answer These Questions Before Saying I Do

You’ve been together forever, and moving to the “next level” is clearly on the horizon, yet those lingering doubts have been bubbling just below the surface for as long as you can remember. Is this the guy you’re meant to spend your forever with? Before he pops the question, only to have regrets later, take a breather and listen up. Here are four questions you should ask yourself to know for sure.

1. Am I saying “yes” to him or to a fantasy? You’ve watched enough "Say Yes to the Dress" to have gotten a taste of that grand bridal salon experience. But because women in the U.S. are often raised on happily-ever-after stories that end with a couple riding off into the sunset, most tend to aim for that sunset rather than carefully considering the relationship that comes before, and most importantly after it. Be careful to first determine whether they’ve left the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. Only as partners move from the first phase of fantasy to more knowledge of their partner, do they start to realize that love is a lot about moving from disconnection to repair. Have you had, and respectfully resolved a disagreement? Have you talked about what you both want out of your futures? If not, task yourself with figuring out how you’ll handle those real-life issues before you sign up for the long haul.

2. Am I still waiting for him to change? You might have successfully trained him to drop his dirty laundry in the hamper, but if he’s a homebody, those are things that probably aren’t going to change. So, can you live with that for the rest of your life? More importantly, do you want to? Remember, the audition process should not go on forever. If you’ve been with your mate for longer than a year, you should know if your partnership is good enough to carry forward long into the future. Partners that still hold out because a feature they don’t like still exists, should give up trying to make the other partner change. Keep in mind that if they're not interested in hearing your concerns, that’s an issue. The most important quality for a relationship to work is that both people are willing to work on themselves, to take feedback and consider the other person's perspective.

3. Will my friends be excited he's proposing? The beginning of all romantic relationships involves a neuro-chemistry that will shift once the relationship feels more permanent. You might feel addicted, even obsessed with your new guy, and this feeling can last for over a year. Vetting your new guy with trusted friends and family is an essential safety check against your altered judgment. Women (and men too) put themselves in jeopardy when they do not vet their partners with their social network. You might think it is a personal decision whether or not to marry, but what other people think does matter as the couple will have to exist within both partner's social networks. Plus, other people can spot red flags in ways partners in love may not be able to see. If your best friends who’ve always had your back are telling you that they question his intentions or he’s never respected your feelings, that’s important information you need to listen to. If they aren’t upfront about their concerns or can’t quite put a finger on what’s not right, ask them this: “Am I myself when I’m with him?” They’ll know if you’re holding back or morphing into some other person in his presence.

4. Are we committed to the same future? A crazy love affair is incredibly romantic in the movies, but in real life you need to know who the two of you are as a couple. Beyond love, attraction and common interests, it’s the basic agreements you have as a couple that will allow you to protect each other going into the long future ahead. Attraction, common interests, and love can and will change as the years pass, but agreeing on certain things like “we tell each other everything” will keep you bound. To know what agreements you want, you first have to know yourself. “The best relationships occur when two people are operating from a place of security and maturity. Fewer divorces happen with people who marry after the age of 28. The reason why is because you tend to change less when you get older. Once you know yourself, it’s time to sync up with your partner. Mutuality is one of the most important ingredients for a happy relationship. Commitment, obligation and responsibility are central to mutuality. Ask yourself if this person shares your values. In reality, you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t.

Now, do sub-par answers to our impromptu quiz mean a breakup is imminent? Not necessarily, but they should at the very least encourage you to evaluate whether you and your partner have what it takes to survive the challenges that will come your way...

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