The Man That Men Need To Be

I get to hear a lot of stories about men and marriage counseling, most of it not very good. This is because a lot men of kinda suck at the counseling process. I know this, because once I kinda sucked at the process as well. Men are way too passive and simply follow the lead of the counselor and their wife. We actually believe that the best solution is to passively become a cog in the wheel of a “healing process” created by someone else. I once simply “showed up” with no agenda other than to cooperate and not make anyone madder than they already were, but here’s the truth: Nothing destroys our masculine confidence and optimism more than when we leave our leadership role to someone else.

That’s exactly what “Brian” was doing for months, until two weeks ago. He was mad at himself for how he had been showing up. Brian decided it was time for a change. It was time to take the lead no matter what happened next. When men contact me looking for help it’s usually right around this time. They’re done with wishy-washy, and they’ve decided no more walking on eggshells. It’s time to go big or go home. Brian told me he was sick and tired of the wheel spinning going on in his counseling sessions. The exercises started out interesting, but he and his wife “Marie” always ended up back in the same spot.

They were given tools to use at home that involved proactive efforts at appreciation and listening. They tried keeping a schedule of times meant for emotional connection and sharing their feelings, and Brian was getting really good a using “I feel” statements to diffuse any unintended feelings of blame. Unfortunately to Brian it all felt mechanized and contrived. His efforts to connect felt devoid of real feelings and real truth. It wasn’t authentic, and he was just now becoming clear that authenticity is what mattered most to him. It was the one thing he was starved for in his six year marriage. He was ready to open up the flood gates even if she wasn’t. He was going to lead the way even if she wouldn’t follow him.

I asked Brian to tell me what he would say if he could be 100% authentic. What would be his most raw and vulnerable thoughts? What would he yell from the roof tops if he could bust through his fears and the constraints of the counseling process he felt were tying his tongue? He started slowly, and then with a little help he gained some serious momentum. Brian told me, “I don’t know, exactly. I’ve been on my heels so long trying to figure her out and make her happy, I’m not used to saying what I think and what I want. I’m getting a whole lot clearer now, but I’m afraid to say it. I’m afraid to tell her my expectations for the kind of loving, respectful, supportive, intimate and passionate marriage I really want for both of us!”


I wanted to clarify his fears, so I asked, “So, you’re afraid to admit you desire love, respect, support, intimacy and passion?” He said, “Yes!” I clarified again, “And you’re afraid to say this in front of the only human being currently in your life who is qualified to share that with you?” Brian replies, “I know, but what if she leaves me? Sounds stupid, right?” I confirm his feelings with a “Pretty much. You’re afraid she’ll leave you because you want a normal, healthy marriage with her? It makes no sense! You’re afraid to ask for what you want because she may react badly to it? From my experience with men, one of the leading causes of divorce is the FEAR of divorce. It makes you play small. It keeps you from taking the lead and saying what you want to say and being who you want to be. Trust me, it happened to me too so I get it.

Then Brian really got fired up. “Well dammit, I’m not scared anymore. I want to tell Marie that I’ve loved her since day I saw her. I should tell her that I’ve always been in love with her beautiful face, her fiery mind and bossy-pants attitude. I’m in love with all of that at this moment, but I’ve allowed her to push me back into being a man I never wanted to be. Somehow I’ve lost the confident guy she fell in love with, but I’m finding him again. I’m going to tell Marie I’m not perfect and never will be, but I’m working on being better every day, and I’m starting with grabbing my balls back! She won’t intimidate me anymore because I respect myself too much. I want her badly, but I don’t need her to have the life I want. All I can do is tell her what she can expect if she makes that choice. I will learn from my mistakes, but I will not dwell on them. We both need to let go of past hurts in order to move forward with more love.

The lesson for Brian should be non-negotiable for men everywhere: Be with a woman who wants to make the choice every day to co-create love, respect, trust, support, intimacy and passion.

Brian wanted that with Marie so much. It has always been Marie, and being in an advisory role meant that I wanted all of that for Marie as well. If she makes it clear she doesn’t want that with him, Brian has to love her enough to let her go find it somewhere else. She shouldn’t fear what other people think, and he has to defend her choice to have the life she wanted, and not blame her for the pain they’ve both endured. I asked Brian, “What’s one good reason you won’t say it just like that next time at counseling?” He paused and said, “there is none.”

Next time, I'll tell you what happened at their counseling meeting...

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