The End of The Road: Blog #475

Here we are at the end of another year, and my how 2015 has flown by! I’ve had lots of up and downs, and it’s been a rough and bumpy ride sometimes, but I can’t say that I would completely change it for a sunnier year. All in all, I feel that even my down times gave me some treasures to take forward into the next stage and year of my life. I’ve learned more about myself and have rediscovered parts of myself that I’ve let go to please others. I don’t believe in resolutions; but if I had to make one, I would say this year is when I start to do more to please myself. People come and go from your life, as most of us well know, but if you can say at the end of the day that you’re happy with yourself, then good for you and carry on! More times than not, we get carried away making sure everyone else is okay to the point that we’re last on the list or sometimes not even on it. Now it’s time to give yourself permission to “do you” and give yourself some happiness.

I pen this post at least once a year and typically it posts around the end of the year. It’s my annual reminder to everyone who is dealing with the slight depression of missed goals and deadlines that we should all calm down. The fact of the matter is life’s goals don’t always happen by a certain age, or when we want them to occur, but rather when we’re ready. It’s painfully hard for people to accept this fact of life, and it leads them to terrorize just about everyone else in their lives. They’ll terrorize their friends with conversations about missed goals in their own life. I’ll be the first one to refuse to engage in conversations like that in 2016, it’s not happening to me.

As you read in the title, this is blog #475. Good Lord, that's a lot for a blogger...a lot! For the last 3 years and almost 4 months, I've given my life to sharing with you some of the lessons of my personal relationship story. Some good, some bad, some entertaining and funny, some painfully real and hard to type. For 1,210 days, my life as a blogger was wide open for everyone to see, posting content 3 days a week (on average) without any repeats (which was hard to do because I never wanted to recycle a story for the sake of putting something out there). So in the 1.7 million plus minutes in the life of this blogger, I've seen many things happen; international radio phone interviews, radio shows heard nationally and locally. I've been somewhat sought after for my perspective on many life and love related things, and its all been a great ride but none of them are more important to me than watching my son grow up right before my eyes.

I learned something about being a father to a now almost 15 year old; motivation is two sided. Watching him go to high school, and helping him through this phase of his life has been key. He looks at me and is SO inquisitive about how it was when I was in school. I share with him my classroom struggles and how they helped me be better at life, and he actually listens. Comparing them to his generations struggles are like comparing apples to oranges, and he understands that. His mother and I preach the importance of education to him, but I left college before graduating in 1987 and it rings a little hollow sometimes. Since that time I've been working for everyone, making companies rich for decades, satisfying everyone but myself. Life happens when you become an adult, but the blame for that is totally mine.

I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe there are people who are upset or disappointed that their lives are not where they expected it to be. I ask those people, what can you do about it now? If you’re still here, then you're here for a reason. I spend more time now focusing on the good things in my life, even when they run short on availability. Sometimes I can’t see the sun behind the clouds, but instead of being mad that I can’t see it, I’ve learned to be happy that at least I can see. It's in that lesson that I made the decision to go back to school full time in 2016 to complete the two semesters I need to get my communications degree. The greatest bond my son and I can have at this point in his life, is the both of us going to school together. We struggle and triumph as a team, and the importance of education is preached to us both at the same time. Motivation, like I said, is two sided. 

Life is beautiful not because we’re always successful or things go as planned, life is beautiful because it has a little bit of everything. As a blogger, I've learned to love people because people are crazy. We’re all crazy a little bit, and life doesn't always go as we planned, but the majority of us refuse to admit it. However if we were all sane and the same at the same time, then we would be a very boring group of human beings on this earth. I plan NOT to be boring in 2016.

So is this really the end of the road for Relationship Lessons? After 29,000 blogging hours you would think navigating the road at this stage would be a little easier. Truth is, its not the end, but it's definitely a new beginning for all of us. There will be lessons in the new year, none bigger than the lesson of me doing this for myself. Lessons just like life, will come at a different pace than we're used to. I want to thank you all for the support you've given me by reading, commenting and sharing my content this year. Whether you've agreed or you've disagreed with me, it's been one helluva ride!

See you in 2016...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: The Gift of Enjoying Your Life

Well, we made it to the day before Christmas! Everyone, including yours truly will be out and about among the hustle and bustle of this fast paced holiday. Here's a question to ponder; If today was the last day that you and I were going to live, would we be in such a rush to finish it? It's a question that many of us have asked ourselves in some sort of way throughout the years. For most of us, it's simply a question that we brush to the side, and continue with our everyday lives. But for some of us, it's a question that stops us right in our tracks and makes us reevaluate our lives.

If you were like me growing up, you were taught that there is some sort of order in life that consists of being born, going to school, getting good grades, having a career, paying taxes, having a family, paying more taxes, then dying. Sounding a little familiar? I would like point out there is nothing wrong with it if you are following this direction in your life, but if you were reading a story of your life, would you be interested in it, or would you put it back on the shelf where you found it?

It's the in-between points of our major achievements that I believe we need to use in order to stop and embrace for as long as we can, then smile that we even had the opportunity to live it. So many of us are constantly in what I call the “rush of life” that we fail to slow down and look back at what we accomplished, and take a moment to appreciate what we’ve done. For those of us that have families, do we even take the time to celebrate it with them, or are we just off to accomplish the next goal?

After many years of the sort of programming that school and life has taught us, are we so anxious to see the next day’s sunrise that we completely miss out on today’s sunset? There’s nothing more exciting than thinking about tomorrow. It brings so much excitement and potential that it nearly knocks us out of our chairs, but until tomorrow comes, let's focus on this moment in time. Today's relationship lesson is whether you’re sitting next to your family, relaxing on a beach, eating dinner after a long day at work, or Christmas shopping like me, let’s take the time to enjoy the moment we have right now. Let’s do it for our families, our friends, and for ourselves.

Merry Christmas everyone, and thank you for reading The 12 Blogs of Christmas...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: The Ghosts of Relationships Past

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had relationships that felt great, met our needs at the time, made us feel fulfilled and happy, but also ended so horribly that the idea of post-breakup communication was out of the question. Then months or years later, something happens. It’s almost inevitable.  Because we men are creatures of habit and because we can’t let women just move on, there’s a good chance that at some point we pop up and try to reinsert ourselves into your lives.  We do damage, we leave, and then we reappear. Any good detective will tell you that criminals who are guilty can’t help but return to the scene of the crime; and neither can we. When we know we’ve done wrong, it’s in our nature to reappear for a number of reasons...

Sometimes we want to show you that we’ve changed, and are better people. In this case, because we’re not trying to get back together with the woman, this is a ridiculously selfish reason to come back into her life. The guilt of what we’ve done is so affecting that we want you to know that we aren’t really that person any longer, or that we never really were that person in the first place. We want you to see us for who we are, and to know that we’re not the douche-bag we pretended to be when we were with you. In reality, we’re really great people, we really are, and our current girlfriends can attest that we really have changed. I’m sure that last statement makes women around the world feel great knowing they were the only person capable of bringing out the worst in us. We’re not really interested in what you had to go through to heal or in knowing how you’ve moved on. All we want is to be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing that you know it isn’t us now. It was us at that time in our lives or, it wasn’t us at all as much as it was you (don’t worry, we forgive you). Maybe it was just the combination of us that brought all of that out. Either way, if this is why the men in your life are reappearing, it’s probably best if they just stay gone.

Sometimes we want to see whether or not you’ve changed. Contrary to popular belief, men are human. We do catch the vapors every once in awhile. The only thing better than meeting an awesome new woman is meeting an old girlfriend who now seems way more awesome than she was when we were with her. I’m sure social networking sites go a long way in exacerbating this next point. An old flame uploads new pictures, and her phone turns into the “hey it’s me, it’s been a minute” hotline. When us men-folk are interested in getting to know the new you, our interest is not genuine. It’s more of a novelty. We want to prove to ourselves, and to you, that we didn’t make a mistake the first time around. You’re not really that different, and the thing about you that always annoyed us is still there just below the glossy airbrushed surface of a new and professionally taken profile pic. We want to find out whether you’ve been doing hella squats and that’s all you back there, or whether that’s just an awesome camera angle. We want to know if that nonchalant confidence you exuded when you jetted off after briefly chatting with us when we bumped into you on the street was actually real confidence or the product of many-a-night spent practicing everything you’d say and do should you happen to randomly run into us somewhere. Again, if this is why he's coming back, it’s selfish and he might as well stay gone.

Sometimes we’re just being manipulative. Here’s a secret about some of us men that I probably shouldn’t be telling. Sometimes, we just want control. Many of us went through a period in our lives where our most valuable talent was our ability to exert an unhealthy amount of control over the women we were dealing with. The thing about having that sort of control is that it makes it impossible to build any sort of lasting relationship. If we can control you, we can’t respect you. We can pretend to, but in reality we don’t. The two things women reading this should take from this point are:

1. Never let a man have full control over you, even if that man has married you.
2. If a man who once had that sort of control over you reappears, we probably just want to see if we still have it.

Be honest with yourself. If you’re unsure of whether or not you really are free, then when we come back, you need to run. Don’t be embarrassed, just run. Don’t try to prove to us that you’re free, just run the other way because you’re about to go through that same thing you went through all over again. I wish we weren’t this way, but sometimes some of us just are.

Sometimes, we realize what we’ve lost and are ready to be whatever we need to be to get it back. Of all of the reasons a man might reappear, this is the most rare. Sometimes without us realizing it, a woman can carve out a perfectly round little space in our hearts and lives. We leave her, thinking she’ll be the only one who experiences any loss, but in reality, we lose too. Try as we may to fill that spot she left with the square pegs of another woman, there’s always a certain amount of emptiness that remains. And maybe one day we wake up and decide we’re going to give it another go. All we can do is reappear and hope our spot is still reserved. Hope sometimes is misleading to men, and we need to be prepared for that. 

Some say “all’s fair in love and war” and I agree to a certain extent, however the fact that all is fair, doesn’t always mean that all is right. As men, I think we sometimes have to take responsibility for the damage we’ve done and respect the fact that our women are entitled to rebuild themselves in whatever way they see fit.  We also have to be responsible about how we decide to return to their lives. We have to think about whether we are returning because we think we can ‘help’ them, whether we’re returning because of our own selfish motives, or whether we’re returning because we think there might be a real chance at a lasting “we” this time.

Fellas, have you ever popped back into the life of a woman you’d been with previously? How did things turn out the second time around? Ladies, have you experienced any of the above scenarios, or maybe one I’ve missed?  How do you approach rekindling old flames? 

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Happy Holidays, It's Over!

Breaking up at any time of the year is difficult, but when it happens over Christmas it’s often harder to recover and move on with your life. I've been that guy who ended a relationship during the holidays before, so I write this with from both sides. No one wants their Christmas present to be the end of the relationship but the reality is that Christmas, with its associated stress, increases alcohol consumption, family pressures and expectations is often the time when unstable relationships finally fall. If you’ve suffered a break up during the holiday season, here are some tips to help you recover so that by the time next Christmas rolls around you’ll be in a much better space.

Is it really over? Before you can even begin the process of recovery you need to fully accept that the relationship is over and that there’s nothing to salvage. Maybe your heart is bruised but not broken. Now the trimmings are down and you’re back in the normal routine of life, hurt feelings will begin to fade and you can take an honest look at the relationship. Do you love this person? Is pride stopping you from going back? Or are you relieved that it’s over and you're looking forward to moving on and putting it all behind you?

Letting go. An essential part of the healing process is letting go. This means letting go of blame, dreams of how it might have been different, accusations and recriminations. It means letting go of the hope you had for this relationship. This is often the hardest part, you thought your future was going to be a certain way, and now it’s not. Like any grief caused by loss it will take time to heal. You can only let go once you fully accept that it’s over. Prior to that you may find yourself being drawn back into the relationship trying to make it right; talking it through endlessly with your friends and thinking about it all the time to the point where you drive yourself crazy. There may be some painful conversations with your ex as you both try to understand what went wrong but if you really want to recover there will come a point where you’ll have to walk away and put some space between you. Maybe you will be friends in the future, maybe not, but space is needed for the relationship to end.

A New Year, a new you. The beginning of a new year is a great time to make a new start. Everyone is motivated to make those changes like quitting smoking or losing a few pounds. When you’re raw and vulnerable from a breakup it’s important to start to build your self-esteem back up. Avoid setting yourself impossible targets, but do make any small changes which will help you feel good about yourself like reconnecting with friends or taking up long-forgotten hobbies or starting new ones. Exercise is a brilliant antidote to low mood because it produces feel-good endorphins. You don’t have to pound it out at the gym everyday, but a 20 minute walk on your lunch break will help clear your head and a dance around your kitchen will lighten your mood.

Look to the future. It’s all too easy to wallow in the pain of the past analyzing everything that led to the break up, but there will come a point where you have to decide to move on and look to the future. How long this takes will vary enormously depending on how long you were in the relationship. You‘ll know when you’re ready to put your toe back in the water and you should listen to your own heart rather than be pressured by anyone else to start dating again.

Although it may not feel like it at the moment, you can and will recover from this breakup; no matter how painful it feels right now. Get support from friends and family, be gentle and kind to yourself and remember that by the time next Christmas comes around all this will be a distant memory...

relationshiplessons.net 

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Don't Say It, For Goodness Sake!

Christmas is an emotional time for lots of people. Tension is heightened and we spend longer than usual in the company of family and friends as well as often drinking more than at any other time of the year. All that food and festivity can loosen tongues and make you want to open up to your partner, but here are some things you should never say:

1. “My ex used to ….” Whatever it is your ex used to do; buy me diamonds, carve the turkey upside down, dress up as Father Christmas, your partner does not need to know about it. Even if you are comparing them favorably by saying, "my ex never made me a stocking", indulging in memories about your ex brings them into the room and could be the spark to start an argument. While it is perfectly natural to reminisce about Christmas past, it is really important to stay present in your new life with your new partner, and start to forge new memories and traditions together. If thoughts and feelings about your past do come up, it is better to share them with a trusted friend than to ever share it with your partner.

2. “That’s not what I wanted”. Present giving is a potential minefield for couples. Some people want their partner to be able to mind read their desires, and if they don’t manage that successfully then it is interpreted as evidence that they don’t know or understand them. This to me is unfair. If there is a specific gift that you want from your partner, then tell them clearly. If you leave the gift choice up to them, remember what they buy is more a reflection of their personality than what they think about yours.

3. Don’t always say ‘yes’ when sometimes you mean ‘no’. There is a lot of pressure put on people at Christmas time to engage in activities they might find difficult or challenging, or simply not enjoyable. This can include office parties, spending time with your partner’s family and friends, church services or other traditions that are important to your partner but not to you. Christmas is about give and take, and although it is better to be emotionally honest with your partner, it is also important that you go along with some things because it is important to them. The key here is balance. If you're always the one compromising and doing things you don’t want to do, then you will eventually become exhausted and resentful from putting a smile on your face when you don’t mean it. Ask for what you want and need from your partner, and don’t be afraid to say no to requests that you really don’t want to do.

4. “Your ideas/beliefs/traditions are silly”. Christmas time is steeped in traditions for most people and each family will have their own way of doing things. When you come together as a couple you will be bringing two unique experiences into the relationship. While it is important to find your own way of celebrating Christmas as a couple, it is also important to honor and respect each others childhood experiences and incorporate those that either one of you are not ready to relinquish.

5. "I don’t like your family”. If you don’t like your partner’s family but you are expected to spend time with them over the festive period, you need to be very careful about how much you express your dislike to your partner. It can cause them to have split loyalties, and they are likely to feel defensive which could result in a clash between you. Let off some steam to someone else, and always show a united front with your partner when dealing with their family.

6. “Christmas should be perfect”. One of the reasons couples argue so much at Christmas, and why couples counseling services are so busy in the New Year, is because they put so much pressure on each other and on the relationship to make everything perfect. When Christmas fails to live up to these unrealistic expectations, tempers can flare and each partner is likely to blame the other for not trying hard enough to make it perfect. The reality is Christmas is often the time when problems that have been rumbling throughout the year come to a head. Unless you are prepared to deal with them, whatever day it is, even if everyone "acts" as if things are perfect, they won’t be. Aiming for peace is always better than aiming for perfection.

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Resolve a Better Relationship

The New Year is the perfect time to resolve to do things differently but instead of those health and fitness resolutions why not try some relationship ones.

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got! That is to say if you don’t change then your relationships won’t either. Whether you’re single, dating or in a committed relationship there are some resolutions you could make this year which could radically improve all your relationships. Here are 12 resolutions (one for each of the 12 Blogs of Christmas), but you could make your own list as some may be more relevant than others to you.

1. Think before you speak. Words are powerful and affect the people around us. When communicating either with matches online, on dates or with your partner, resolve to engage your brain before your mouth and consider the impact of what you’re about to say.

 

2. Look for the positive rather than focusing on the negative. For some reason it’s often easier to see the negative in people and to focus on their faults. This can be a block to starting relationships and developing intimacy. It will take a concerted effort to look for the positive if you’re habitually negative, but it’s well worth the effort.

3. Don’t jump to conclusions. One of the biggest sticking points in all relationships is "assuming" you know what someone is thinking or feeling without checking it out with them. As some people say, you know what happens when you assume...

4. Take responsibility for your own happiness. If you’re waiting for someone else to come along and make you happy, you could have a very long wait. You’re a grown up and it’s up to you to look after yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. When you’re looking after yourself, the you’re free to love and appreciate a partner without the risk of becoming too dependent and needy.

5.  Say what you need and want. Unless you live with someone from the Psychic Friends Network, your partner is not going to be able to mind read. Sulky silence, sarcastic comments or not-so-subtle hints are all means of manipulation rather than effective communication. Ask for what you want and be prepared for a "no". If you can’t accept a no, then you’re making a demand not a request.

6. Don’t people please. Grinning and bearing things that make you feel uncomfortable or are against your beliefs because you don’t want to upset your partner, won’t build a successful relationship. There’s always an element of compromise on both sides in a relationship, but if you’re constantly biting your tongue you may be people pleasing.

7. Don’t try to control other people’s lives. It’s one thing to be interested and involved in your partner’s life, but when it turns into possessiveness and jealousy with 24/7 contact, updates and reassurances needed in order for you to feel secure, it will make you likely to smother any love that was there.

8. Be open to change. Nobody is perfect, and neither are you. The ability listen to feedback or criticism from your partner and take action when needed, is difficult but essential if the relationship is going to be healthy.

9. Know when to say sorry. Stubbornness and pride are two great enemies of healthy relationships. You don’t lose face when you back down from a row that’s going nowhere; you just put the relationship and your happiness ahead of the need to be right. Learn to recognize when you’ve hurt your partner’s feelings and say sorry.

10. Don’t take everything personally. You might think you’re the center of your partner’s universe, but chances are they have a whole life outside the relationship, so don’t take their every mood, action and behavior personally. It’s not all about you.

11. Be present. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift – that’s why it’s called the present. It's corny, but it's also true.

12. Give time and attention to what’s important. When you’re with your partner, resolve to really be there for at least part of each day. Put away the mobile phones and the tablets, turn off the TV and set aside outside concerns and give them your time and attention. Doing this is like watering a plant, it's essential if you want your relationship to thrive.

Implement these 12 or come up with some of your own, but it will be to your advantage to create some sort of game plan starting the new year. Which of the ones listed above can you see working for you?  

relationshiplessons.net

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Singletons in Your Stocking

Anyone who has ever been single over the Christmas period knows just how much it can potentially suck! First there are all those Christmas songs about that ‘special someone’ kissing you under the mistletoe, or giving you the perfect gift. Then there are the office parties, where being one of the few "singletons" in the room either makes you the target of drunken colleagues, or of gossip, or both! And then there are the family gatherings, where aging aunts and distant relatives ask for the umpteenth time why you haven’t settled down yet, and ‘don’t you want to have children?’

But there are ways of surviving Christmas with a genuine smile on your single face, I promise! Here are my favorite hacks for surviving Christmas as a "singleton".

Spend the money you would have spent on your partner on YOU! Buy yourself at least one big present this Christmas. You might not have a boo, a husband, or a wife around to give you something special, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be treated. Splash out on that vacation, that piece of jewelry, watch or handbag that you’ve had your eye on all year, knowing that it’s exactly the gift that the person you’re giving it to wanted!

Don’t hide away at home. Make the most of the Christmas season. Organize festive drinks with friends, be a plus one for friends’ Christmas parties, or volunteer with a charity . Get yourself out and about. Not only is every excursion an opportunity to meet people, but you’ll also feel ten times better than you would sat alone watching Christmas re-runs on the TV.

Give your online dating profile a spring clean. Take some time to refresh your dating profile. Update your profile photos with glam pics from your office Christmas party, or talk about some of the things you’ve done in recent months. Start the new year with a new online version of you!

Do exactly what you want to do. One of the things married couples complain most about at Christmas is not being able to do the things they want to do. With two sets of family politics, and shared obligations, and the extra financial strain of the holiday, Christmas can be a really stressful time for a relationship. As a "singleton", you don’t have to worry about any of that. You just have to answer to you, so embrace it! This may very well be your last Christmas alone. Go where you want to go, when you want to go, and take a moment to appreciate just how good that feeling is!

Go to at least one singles’ party. Christmas is a peak time of year for singles’ parties, as they have a ready-made theme. Grab a friend, and make an evening of it. Even if you don’t meet someone you fancy, it’s a great reminder that you’re not the only single person in your city, and you could end up making some new friends.

Make the most of the best time for online dating. January and February are the busiest months for online dating sites. With thousands of new "singletons" signing up every day, it’s a great chance to meet someone new. So make sure you stay active over the winter period. Sign up to at least one new dating website, and try to go online as much as you can at the start of the year. 

You never who you might meet, so take advantage of your singleness! 

relationshiplessons.net

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: 'Tis The Season

Tis the season to be dating, fa la la la la, la la, la laaaaaa...

We're coming up to the end of the year. December is halfway gone. We’ve got two weeks left in the year, and it’s time you opened up a little bit. It’s time you started dating. At the end of each year, businesses take inventory. They look at their sales, they take a look at what is left on the shelves and they take a look at what work is left. They set goals and intents for next year and they think about ways of improving and growing their business. You should be doing the same in your dating life. You should be looking at yourself right now and asking, “Did I put myself out there enough this year?” “Did I go on enough dates?” “Did I have enough connections that were emotionally satisfying?”

Tis the season to be dating, fa la la la la, la la, la laaaaaa....

Most people set silly New Years resolutions, and a lot of people will say:

“Next year, in 2016 I am going to go out and meet one new man/woman each week. I am going to go out and put myself on an online dating site. I am going to go out there and meet somebody every single day.”

In business and in life, it is all about momentum. Why not start now, when people are more emotionally open? You have so many more opportunities at this time of year to meet people from the holiday parties, to being out and about every single day shopping, to all the festivities in your town on the weekends. You have an opportunity to push yourself every single day in the direction of dating. It is time you got the momentum going. 

We are all about momentum in life. I believe that life has a certain flow, an energetic flow that we can’t change but we can certainly make the most of. Here is the deal: How you end the year is how you start the year. The next time you see a good-looking person, wish them a Merry Christmas, ask him or her what Santa is going to get them for Christmas. Flirt, have fun, be open.

So this is today’s dating pep talk for all you beautiful people out there. I want to see you all succeed and I want to see you all enjoy what’s left of 2015. End the year with some momentum...

relationshiplessons.net 

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Stop and Smell the Roses

Now two weeks after thanksgiving I come to you all a bit more introspective than usual. It’s usually at this time of year that we all reflect. The year in review raps get posted. People start to talk about new year’s resolutions. Probably one of the things we don’t talk much about are the things we didn’t get to accomplish during the past year. It’s more likely that we probably beat ourselves up privately because certain things didn’t pan out.

If you’re not one of these people, then kudos to you.

The truth is, I have always been one of those people. You see, I’m a very laid back guy. I’m subtle in almost everything besides my writing. So there are many times where I may not be satisfied with where I am at a certain point in my life. I’m always looking for that next thing to happen. Sometimes it goes down and sometimes it doesn’t, much like a Steph Curry jumper. Ok, who am I kidding? All of his jumpers go down.

In all seriousness, a recent conversation with a client at work really got me to thinking.

I don’t take enough time to pat myself on the back for the things that I have accomplished this year. To be brief, I work with many impoverished families. The woman who came to see me on this day was dealing with a pending eviction, she was currently in cancer treatment and was living in the family’s house of an adulterating estranged husband. So yeah, she had her hands full. As we spoke and I gave her some options as to improve some of her situation, she always cited seeing the bigger picture. She is currently enrolled at a community college and she had this passion for wanting to help others. She wants the opportunity to use her struggles as a way to show strength to other people going through their own trials. I found that to be mighty admirable. It was at that moment that I thought, “Yo, you can’t be that hard on yourself all of the time.” The things that I obsess over mentally is more so about the writing I want more people to see and helping other people cultivate their ideas. I have other personal goals that I am driven to meet, but I don’t have ANY issues that rival what this woman was going through. In fact, every goal I set for 2015 I have completed except for one. The one goal that is incomplete is a big goal; a game changing one. Nonetheless, I can still chase this thing next year and I plan to. I came to the conclusion that I don’t smell the roses enough. All of you reading this, you don’t give yourselves enough credit. For whatever reason, we don’t embrace our greatness as often as we should. It’s probably because we’re so busy just trying to be great and ready for the next opportunity.

In this holiday season, I just want all of you to reflect.

Think about all the work you’ve put in this year. Don’t feel guilty to smile about it. Buy yourself those pair of boots. Pat yourself on the shoulder. Have yourself an Old Fashioned, or my favorite, a Macallan 25 on a Friday evening. However you choose to celebrate, do so with conviction. It’s not illegal to be proud of yourself and smell the roses. That’s the lesson I ended up taking from that woman recently. So many others see all this good in the things we don’t give a second thought to. It’s time we do that a little bit more often. Nothing wrong with a heightened consciousness. Welcome to the holidays!

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Surviving Christmas Dating

Be honest, would you be happier if your partner hung out with your family on December 25th, or would it be less stressful for both of you if you simply agreed to do the holidays apart? With this in mind, I decided to give you some tips on how to make the holidays less romantically stressful.

If you are single:

1. If you find yourself unattached this Christmas, rejoice!

When I mentioned that I was going to be talking about tips to help daters survive the holidays, a bunch of readers said to themselves, "Avoid dating till January!" The holidays stress us out because there's so much to do. Shopping sucks, it's cold, and any existing family tensions are exacerbated, so trying to get a new relationship started is the last thing you want to add to your to-do list, especially because there are so many holiday minefields that could blow the fragile little romance to smithereens.

If you have just started dating someone:

2. Don't feel compelled to bring some new guy/girl to your office party.

Office parties can be stressful and awkward for even the most graceful employees, and adding a new boo to the mix will just increase the pressure on you. Plus, a bunch of people standing around talking shop while getting drunk and doing karaoke is no outsider's idea of fun. They'll probably be relieved if you let them off the hook, explaining it'll be easier on both of you that way.

3. Think twice about casually inviting them to any family holiday party.

Don't tell yourself, "Oh, what the hell, why not kill two birds with one stone?" Introducing someone new to anyone in your family automatically ups the ante, especially during the holiday season. Also, sometimes our families make us act not like our better selves, to say the least. You don't want the new boo to see you behaving childishly. Your relatives might be weird or annoying or simply not his speed. Your mother, whom everyone thinks you look so much like, may be aging very poorly. Your father could be the kind of person no one would ever want to be in a restaurant with. So make sure they're seriously into you before easing him into your family.

If you're more serious:

4. Talk about the gift situation.

Not sure if you two are serious enough to buy each other gifts? Or feeling uncertain about how much to spend? Talk about it rather than tiptoeing around the issue. Ask if they think exchanging gifts would be fun and of course, tell him or her how you feel. If neither of you is making much money, agree to do something inexpensive like going to a bookstore and buying each other a novel or a volume of poetry. You can think about agreeing to donate to worthy organizations in lieu of a gift exchange.

5. Do some advance work.

If your boyfriend has pleasantly agreed to come to your Aunt Clara's house for some turkey, give him a sense of what he might be in for so he can prepare himself. If she's going to grill him about his job, alert him to her prying ways. Or, if you know an inquisition will make him miserable, ask your Aunt if she will leave the peppering to the salad dressing. Let him know about anything he can do to earn easy brownie points. Perhaps Aunt Clara will love him forever if he brings her flowers, or if he compliments her on her holiday decorating. Think ahead about the little things you can do to make the day more socially smooth for everyone. If you'll be with his family, ask him if he has any tips for you to make a great impression as well.

No matter what:

6. Take it easy on the alcohol at all times.

People often think drinking will ease all tensions and make everyone jollier. Instead, it regularly disables people's manners, amplifies any underlying moodiness or resentment, and encourages them to do things that are ridiculous, inappropriate, or offensive. So have a glass of wine or two with dinner, but cut yourself off after that. If the person you're dating has a tendency to overindulge, ask them to make an effort to stay in check. If he/she has trouble keeping pace, suggest that they commit to having two glasses of water for every alcoholic beverage.

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: It's Just December...

This time of year, whether you’re single or in a relationship, can bring about an incredible amount of anxiety. It can also have you thinking and doing things that in retrospect, when you get to January, will have you wondering if someone was coming into your home and spiking you with a cocktail of Drama and Relationship Crack. I of course, say this with experience.

I’ve ended a relationship before Christmas because I couldn’t face having to grin and bear it, and then I’ve grimaced my way through another. If like me, you’ve done all manner of bonkers stuff around the holidays, whether it’s suddenly reaching out to an ex or being receptive to their overtures, or suddenly thinking you’re owed a Christmas miracle and a happy ending, it’s time to ask:

What is SO freaking special about December??? Why do we allow December to take on all manner of meaning and start making grand assumptions, and even grander plans while buying into the fantasy?

I get December on the spiritual and religious level, I get it even on the emotional level. I recognize that as the end of the year approaches, it’s natural to be reflective. It doesn’t explain why we allow what is another month on the calendar, along with some heavy marketing, peer pressure and internal pressure, along with our overactive imaginations, overactive penises, vaginas, and libidos to turn us all holiday crazy. 

It’s just December. It’s just the holidays. How much power do you want to give away again?

For people who are struggling with their self-esteem or an unhealthy relationship, you spend eleven freaking months of the year handing your power over to other factors such as your current partner, or an ex, or your job, or your past, or your family or whatever, and now December comes along and it acts like it owns you.

I remember a very old episode of The Simpsons (The Last Temptation of Homer) where Homer almost gets himself into an affair situation with his coworker Mindy. All evening he appears to be getting signs, including from a fortune cookie, that says he’s going to have sex with her. He ends up sitting beside her on a bed in a hotel room looking utterly miserable as he announces that they’re going to have sex. Mindy tells him he doesn’t have to, and he says “Yes we do! The cookie told me so.”

...and THAT is what December is like for a lot of people.

We hook up with our exes, buy cards, send texts, reply to what can only be regarded as low level contact, break our necks trying to think up the perfect gift for someone undeserving, allow ourselves to be used by keeping someone’s bed and their ego warm for the season so that we can pretend that our life is better than it is. We hold crappy relationships together as if the magic of ‘December’ will fix problems that only the both of us can fix. We bust our balls about how crappy our life is in comparison to an image of happiness that is being sold by companies that want to make money out of us, and essentially allow ourselves to be ‘led’ by an image of a month. You don't have to go to Jared, put a Lexus with the big red bow in your driveway, and every kiss certainly does not begin with Kay. When January arrives and you're asked why you did all that stuff, don't be like Homer Simpson and say "I had to do it, December told me so!"

It’s no wonder we get in our angst when we’re being sold ‘Christmas’ from as early as October. If you don’t have the presence of mind to remember who you are, what your values are, and the fact that there’s eleven other months in the year, you may end up doing something in the short-term that leaves you with a medium to long-term hangover.

It’s like saying to yourself, “Screw it! I’m going to throw caution to the wind and send that text, or buy into the fantasy that my ex (who has already shown and told me who they are) might gift me with my fantasy of them making me the exception to their rule.”

It’s just the holidays. Yes it can be a pain in the butt if your family descends into arguments at the dinner table, or you’ve fallen out, or you’re hurt, or you feel like it highlights everything that’s missing from your life. Don’t get things twisted, it’s just a few weeks and you can make them as big or as small as you want. Whatever you do, put yourself in the driver's seat of your own life. Unless you’re taking part in a nativity play, you’re not taking on the role of the sheep.

 

Whatever your religious inclinations, the true meaning of Christmas was never about opting back into a poor relationship to massage your ego for a few weeks, or holding onto something that detracts from you just so you can say that you’re miserable but you’re with someone. If it doesn’t work for you during the first eleven months, it’s not about to suddenly give you the ‘fairytale’ because it’s December...

relationshiplessons.net 

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Unwrap That NO Once In A While

Saying no to things I don’t want to do is liberating, especially during the holidays. In the past twelve hours alone, I've been asked about fifteen questions like the following in my inbox…

1. “Hey, I know you usually take the weekends off from hanging out with people… but can you help me move on Saturday?”
2. “Hey! I’m building up a coaching practice of my own and I’d love to pick your brain over coffee. When is a good time for you?”
3. “Hey man, it’s your old acquaintance you barely know! Would you mind reading my super-quick twelve-paragraph question about my love life and answering it for free?”

1, nope. 2, no thanks. And 3, definitely not. Boundaries are great like that, you get to say no to exactly what you want to say no to, and that makes it that much sweeter when you say YES to the things that you do want to say yes to. 

People often worry and say, “What if I say no to them and they don’t like it/me?” First of all, we can’t control other people’s reactions, and try as we must, we definitely can’t control their perceptions of us. No matter how we act, sometimes people are not going to be happy with us, and that’s a fact of life. Secondly, if the people in your life are so easily perturbed by you saying no to them once or twice, then maybe your relationship with that person isn’t strong enough to warrant them being in your life. Bottom line, the people who are meant to be in your life will remain in your life, when you set boundaries from a genuine place of honoring yourself.

I know I might be a fairly polarized example of this, being that I am a highly sensitive introvert who really cherishes his alone time to create in solitude, but I really do say no to over 95% of all of the requests that I get coming into my inboxes (the one exception being people who look to start a blog of their own). And like I mentioned, when I DO say yes to that radio interview, or that first date, or that new client, then I feel so energized by it because I know that it happened by choice and not by chance.

Remember, the most valuable resource you will ever have is your time. You can always make more money, but you can’t make more time. Your time is your gold, so don’t give away your gold for free, and don't give it away to people who don’t appreciate it much to begin with. Obviously this is contextual. If you are single and get one offer to go on a date per month, you might not want to say no to 95% of those, or maybe you do because you’re too busy asking out people that you are excited about.

Starting today, commit to only doing the things that you want to do, and spend your time with the people you love. There will always be other options, and there will be hundreds of "but maybe scenarios" out there to choose from, but your heart and your gut knows what’s up. You have to trust that inner guidance, and you must be willing to face the disapproval of others when you decide to make changes in your life. Unfortunately for a lot of people, those changes start with your ability to set boundaries. So say no when you want to say no, and give an emphatic yes when you want to say yes.

You’re allowed to be happy. You’re also allowed to not do things you don't want to do. Starting today, you have full permission, until forever...

relationshiplessons.net 

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Healing Their Emotional Wounds

Time has really flown by this year, we're in December already! In a momentary stroke of mini-geniusness, I'm putting back in the bloggersphere "The 12 Blogs of Christmas" to help you between now and New Years Eve with "12 relationship themed and sometimes holiday writings". I hope these lessons will be of some help in whatever season you're in during the holidays. 

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on. For it won’t be long, ‘til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.” –Bill Withers

One of the most beautiful gifts that we gain from being in an intimate relationship with another is the emotional support that we get from them. Some of our deepest healing is done within the safety of a committed intimacy, but past emotional wounds or unmet needs might make some of us feel resistant to accepting help from others. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who had one of the most beautiful souls I had ever come into contact with. She was kind, patient, and wise beyond her years. And she had her heart broken and her trust taken for granted too many times by essentially all of the men she had ever been with in intimate relationships. I wanted her to know that she was safe with me. I wanted her to know that she was allowed to feel to the deepest depths of her painful past, but she was resistant to my well intentions and ultimately misguided methods of helping her open up to heal, and rightfully so. I’ve found that in order to truly be there for my partner, I had to learn to do the following four things first. 

You must face yourself before you can help someone through their pain. The word compassion is rooted in Latin meaning ‘to suffer with’. If we try and dole out help or advice (no matter how pure the intentions are) to our partners without already first having begun to face our own emotional demons, it will be that much harder to connect with them. You have to have already walked through the fire in order to tell someone that it’s safe, and that it won’t burn them. It’s only from that place that you can take their hand and walk in the direction of the wound.

Listen. Just listen. The first step, and by far one of the biggest steps in helping your significant other heal their emotional wounds is to let them speak their truth. By explicitly naming the demons that plague their minds and hearts, they will begin to loosen their grip over your love. When your partner feels comfortable enough to share their wounds with you, it is only your job to hear them, and to hear them fully with an open and loving heart. There is a distinct lack of clean listening in the world. Hear them. Let them go on. And while you are hearing them, imagine the pain that they feel underneath their words. Let their words touch your heart, while you simultaneously stand in your strength and love them through their suffering.

Allow them to fully empty their hearts. It isn’t enough to remove the metaphorical blockage from the dam and to let the water trickle out, you want the floodgates to open. The truth-telling section of their healing journey might take days, weeks, or months to fully be brought into the light, and the beautiful part is there is no rush. Allow your partner to fully empty their hearts to you whenever they need to clear something verbally with you.

Only provide feedback if they explicitly ask for it. Let’s get something straight, it is not your responsibility to ease their suffering. It is not your responsibility to re-frame their suffering into a divine, soul-level lesson. And it is not your responsibility to create their happiness for them. Your job is to practice compassionate listening, and allow them to empty their thoughts to you. And while it isn’t your responsibility to do their work for them, you can play a part in the healing of their emotional wounds by lending a non-shaming, non-judgmental, compassionate ear. In essence, you can become their ‘somebody to lean on’.

If they explicitly ask you for feedback, advice, or for you to validate or mirror their emotions back to them, then do whatever comes naturally to you. Your primary purpose in facilitating the healing of your partner’s emotional wounds is to be a safe, loving receiver of their most painful thoughts. This isn’t necessarily easy work, but it is vital work.

Hold your pain, then hold their pain, and then allow love to be the medicine that cleans out the wounds of your collective pasts…

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