Right Here, Right Now!

This blog isn’t going to be a long one, but I’m hoping it moves you enough to start taking action this week. I see so many people “limping” through life, rather than bursting into every day full of life and passion. So here we go…

I want you to get out of your head and stop thinking about the future all of the time. Instead, I want you to concentrate more on the moment you’re in, and start taking chances right now. The present is all we have. That’s right, none of us are promised a tomorrow. How many times do you hear of someone who went to the doctor because they weren’t feeling great, and a couple of weeks later they’re no longer around because they had something terminal they didn’t know about? How many times have you heard of people who went out to grab something to eat and never made it home again?

So many of us spend all our time focused on planning for tomorrow, and there is nothing wrong with that, but too many people find out too late that tomorrow doesn’t always come. It is time to spend more time in the present and less time in the future. All we have is today, and to live an amazing future you have to live an amazing today. Sure, maybe you are scared of people hurting you, but if you spend your whole life looking for perfection, you’re missing all those amazing lessons the “imperfect ones” could be teaching you. It’s the same with anything we do in life. So here is my challenge for you today.

I want you to make a list of five things you’ve been meaning to do, or want to do but have been putting off. I want you to put them in order from the most important to the least important. Then every single day, I want you to do at least one thing that moves you closer toward one of those goals. It doesn’t have to be a huge action, but it needs to be some form of action. Keep it nice and simple.

For example, it could be asking for a pay raise at work, it could be going over and talking to a guy you find really attractive, it could be asking that woman (yes, that woman) out for a date. It doesn’t matter what you do, but the momentum you gather from taking small simple actions every day, adds up quickly. You’ll be amazed how good it feels when you start to feel yourself moving forward. I want you to start living your life today, because today is all we have.

Every morning when we wake up, there is no guarantee that we will make it back into bed at the end of the day. It sounds horrible, but it’s a fact of life. It’s time for you to take a more active role in your happiness. It’s time to get out of your head, and it’s time to start living in the present. I've said it a bunch of times in this blog, but stop focusing so much on tomorrow, and start paying more attention to today. You’ll be amazed how many of your goals you can achieve when you make this simple switch in your mindset...

Saying I Love You First

A lot of people celebrate the anniversary of their first date, their major relationship milestones and especially their wedding day, but I really think relationships begin with the first “I love you.” It solidifies that you two are having more than just fun. At that point, you’re in a relationship. I once read a survey showing that 76 percent of serious relationships started with the man saying “I love you” first. While this might come as a shock to those who think that men aren’t as emotionally demonstrative in relationships, it makes total sense to me. Men should be the ones to say “I love you” first, and here is why...

We’re born to do it - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again many more times in the future. Men are hunters. We need to go out and get what we want. Most of us are not born to be passive recipients. Saying “I love you” is a step in a relationship, just like a first date or a first kiss. Men want to be the ones to take that step first. Do I think men should be the initiators because women can’t do these things? Absolutely not, but I do think women initiating upsets the natural order of things and makes it tougher on the relationship. Saying “I love you” is a new chapter of a relationship, and men should be the one to turn the pages in the book of love.

It shows our commitment - Saying “I love you” is an undeniable commitment. It’s taking a giant leap forward in the relationship. When we say those three words to you first, it indicates that we want to take that step forward with you. In an age when "male commitment-phobia" runs rampant, that first “I love you” is a nice sign from your partner, showing that he's in your relationship for the right reasons.

It gives us one last chase - Like I said above, men are hunters by nature, and we also love the chase by nature. Men saying “I love you” first gives you a little power and him a little room to chase you, as long as you don’t say it back right away. Those few minutes, hours, days or weeks you wait between receiving the initial “I love you” and giving your own are a delicate dance. Your man is waiting for you to say something back. Of course, you should do what is natural to you and say “I love you” as you feel it. Don’t hold out just for the sake of holding out, but know that after you have sex for the first time, there aren’t many chases left in a relationship, so savor it. 

Let’s do a quick poll in the comments. Ladies, did you say “I love you” first, or did your guy say it first? Feel free to share what happened in your case with me...

Too Late? For What?

A really short blog today, but a very important message nonetheless. It’s never too late to start living. I want you to take notice of this picture, and think very carefully about your own life. I get so many emails every day from people telling me they’re not satisfied with their life. I have clients telling me, “I wish I made changes years ago. I wish I worked on myself and learned how to connect with people before now. Now I’m in my 40's and it’s too late to find love.” What a load of BS!

You’re never too old to make changes in your life. You’re never too old to find love. You’re never too old to have fun. There is nothing wrong with looking back on your life and saying, “Sure it would have been great if I had done this before,” but that is about as far as you should ever take that thought.

You’re wasting time and energy worrying about what could have been or what should have been. All we have is today, and you need to take the opportunities when they come up. Start living your life now, otherwise you’ll be looking back in 5 years saying to yourself, “I wish I made those changes 5 years ago.”

If there is someone you want to connect with, go and do it today. If there is a man or woman you are attracted to, go and tell him or her. You may not always like the answer you hear, but if you don’t do things in the moment, you’re just creating regret for yourself. I don't know about you, but I've lived in regret long enough!

The amazing thing about this picture is they are obviously an older couple, but neither one of them cared what anyone else thought of them. Learn from it and live your life! It’s never too late to start living!

That's all for today...

Engagement Ring-ology

A funny thing happened about two weeks ago. Two of my friends got engaged! Of course, this in itself isn’t the funny part as engagements happen all the time. The funny thing is that when I thought more about the history of this particular couple, I remembered that it took my friend two whole months just to agree to go on a date with him.

I sent her information about him, told her how wonderful he was, and that I thought they would be perfect together, but she was not into it. Her response to my nudging was always, “Thanks so much for thinking of me, but I am not interested. He doesn’t seem like a good match to me.” Finally, after two months of reassuring her that I really believed in this match, she reluctantly agreed to meet with him. Now two years later, they are happily engaged, and both feel they have met the love of their life.

This story made me curious about how many other times this has happened. I looked back, and sure enough I found other examples of this same situation. People would declare that my choice wasn’t right for them, and that the person I suggested couldn’t possibly be a good match. I would then go back and forth with some of them for weeks convincing them to give that person a shot. Once they finally agreed, they not only found relationship success, but a few also found marriage.

So what does this mean for singles? Well for one thing, you should always trust me, ha! 

More seriously though, in terms of learning from these experiences, I would say these stories prove how important it is to be as open minded as possible when dating. You can’t enter into dating with too many preconceived notions about who will be right for you. You need to be open to any potential match, as long as you both have common relationship goals, and values.

The reason it is easier for me to determine who makes a good match is because I have an outsider’s view of the situation. I look at factors that determine long term relationship compatibility, not just sexual or physical attraction. It’s not impossible to do this for yourself. Stay open-minded, meet as many different kinds of people as you can, and find out whose relationship and life goals align with your own. You never know who might end up as your potential husband or wife, so open your mind enough to give everyone a chance. 

More importantly, if I say they might be right for you, then you better listen...

A Change In Your Order Is In Order

Now is the perfect time, not the end of the year or the beginning of the next year, to reflect on your past relationships, and determine what you are looking for in your next partner. It is also the perfect time of year to take this next piece of advice into consideration. I promise if you do, it will make all the difference in your love life.

Stop looking for a match based purely on chemistry.

When singles date, they usually place value on three things, and it is usually in this order: 1. Chemistry, 2. Common interests, and 3. Similar relationship goals and values

Yes, these are the three things you should look for in a partner, but the order above is wrong! Chemistry equals attraction, and in my experience, solely basing it on chemistry is the worst basis for a long-term relationship or marriage. In fact, a match based on chemistry rarely lasts very long at all. When you are wildly attracted to someone, your endorphins go crazy and you can’t think straight! You in essence become blinded by “love” (or lust) and you don’t see the things about this person that might make them a terrible match for you.

To find someone who could be a successful long-term match, you actually have to place these three things in the opposite order. Top priority should be common relationship goals and values, then common interests, and finally chemistry. Common relationship goals are so important because if you know that you want marriage and kids and the person you are excited about just wants a casual relationship, that is obviously not going to work. It will end in heartbreak, no matter how much you think the attraction and chemistry is there.

Values matter a lot as well because if you love animals and nature, and you are super generous of heart, and you always want to give peace a chance, it might be tough to go for a militant conservative that has no interest in nature, animals, or peace. I hope you get the point! Common interests are what bring you together and keep you together. Even if you do not have interests that are totally aligned, there have to be a few things that you love doing together to keep things exciting and fun.

 

Finally, of course chemistry does need to be present, you should be attracted to your mate, but it is not the end all be all. If you meet someone that you are on the fence about chemistry wise but know you have the same goals, values, and interests, then you might want to give it some time. You might be pleasantly surprised to learn about the person in front of you...

The Games People Play (50 years and 500 blogs later)

I made it to 50 years old this past Saturday, and we made it to the 500th blog posting today. It's a happy time all around. Thanks for the birthday love via social media, and all of the blog support...

I am NOT a game player. I actually despise the game players. Just like I despise the actions of women who think they are too good to walk thru a door that a man holds open for them. I’ll be sure to circle back to that one in another blog someday, but I think that game players are immature and set a horrible example for what people THINK dating should be.

Some common dating tips that I have heard, are such things like:

“Act like you don’t care.”
“Pretend you are super busy having the time of your life.”
“Don’t text him more words than he text you and so forth.”

In actuality, the one embracing this mentality is at home themselves so bored, they could just die and rip all their hair out. No, no, no, no, no! Do you even hear yourself right now? Don’t text him more words than he texts you?!? What the hell is this, kindergarten?!?

This is real life people, not a dress rehearsal. This is the NOW. We are in REAL TIME.

Will you even be here tomorrow or next month to tell whoever it is you love that you really, actually, in fact, do love them and want to marry them? Just think about that for a quick second. What if you never got the chance to tell that someone how you really feel because of whatever reason it may be. Are you scared, embarrassed, shy, feel stupid, have too much pride? Well, there’s no time like the present and you know what I always say, “No guts, no glory.” Maybe, just maybe they can’t get you off of their mind either. Maybe, just maybe, they are feeling the same way and was too scared to do anything about it because they don’t want to get rejected.

Men try to act tough, but we all know deep down that they are all just big oversized babies that need to be taken care of. Now, if the guy has already made it very crystal clear that the only chance of you two getting back together is when flowers flourish through hell freezing over, well, then that is a whole different story in itself. In that case, you need to move on. Point blank, period. There will be someone else for you and it just means that your soul and his soul were not meant to be entangled for the rest of eternity, and that is ok. That just means you are that much closer to finding the one soul who you ARE supposed to be entangled with for eternity. How exciting is that?

Back to my other point, if you know in your heart there still might be some feelings between you and a past or present lover, you should go for it. Why the hell not? Sometimes the second time around is a charm. What do you have to lose except your pride? Who really cares about pride anyway? If it all fails, I promise you will recover. Great risk, equals great love. How are you ever going to get a hit if you never take a swing?

Now, I’m not saying show up at their house unannounced like a crazy person in the middle of the night, screaming up to their balcony for all to hear. Just be real with them and even more importantly, be real with yourself. I'm sure that we have all had a slice or two of the push and pull, cat and mouse game like Tom and Jerry. It is just exhausting, and to be honest, it is utterly pointless. You should be able to keep your relationship fun, exciting and spicy WITHOUT having to torture each other through emotional pain.

If the only excitement you have is though playing games, perhaps you should sit down and ask yourself if having an energy sucking relationship is sufficient for your needs and wants out of this life. If you are in kindergarten up thru high school, then play your games, but when you get to be the age of where you are legally able to rent a car, the games seriously need to stop. If you just don’t want to have a serious anything in your life, then keep on keeping on as you are.

If acting interested scares them away, then guess what? Say bye-bye, and be sure to thank them when the door hits their ass on the way out. You just saved yourself a lot of time and probably a lot of tears.  

Let’s keep the games to Monopoly, shall we?