112 Weddings

HBO aired a documentary in which a wedding photographer in New York City photographed 112 weddings in a 20 year span, had a chance to go back to those same couples to see where they are now.  For two decades, filmmaker Doug Block made extra money by shooting wedding videos. After each one, he was always curious what happened next to the couples. "I can't help but wonder," he says, "do they have any idea what they're getting into?" So, in this documentary, Block visits nine of his favorite couples to see how they've fared. As Block says, "happily ever after is complicated."

You know those movies that haunt you for days? The film was incredibly affecting, and I kept pausing it to write about various scenes. I still can't get it out of my head. Parts of it made me cry a little, and parts of it made me think a lot, especially the story about the woman dealing with depression and the amazing love and support her husband showed her. I watched it a month ago and have been haunted by it ever since! It was eye opening to see that all marriages have trials and tribulations, it's just that everyone's trials and tribulations are different, and some were able to weather the storms better than others. Even a couple who thought about getting married, when it came time for their wedding, they never got married at all. The couple decided to become domestic partners instead. 13 years later during the making of the documentary, they got married and their daughters were there to witness it. This program was such a realistic portrait of marriage - everyone who is about to get married should see this. I was surprised to find it so introspective. I completely agree with a Rabbi who married one of the couples when he said that if he had a magic wand he wouldn't choose to remove the challenges of marriage. To do so would be like levelling the peaks and valleys of life. Without that, there would be no mountains to scale or vistas to appreciate. I was thinking about the couple who are just so lovely and their daughter has a life threatening disease. The image the wife tries to paint of their lives after marriage is so picturesque, but her husband calls her out on it and gives you the REAL picture. She tries to be brave and not cry... I just can't imagine getting that kind of news about your seemingly perfectly healthy child. Their lives together started off with such hope. She is so funny and happy in their wedding video, and then it just gets turned upside down finding out their child was sick. It's every parent's nightmare. How they dealt with the conflict and the fear without having any control over what comes next. They stuck it out, and they're still together while other couples fail for less that what they endured.

Weddings aren't just about two people getting married, it's about two families coming together and bringing all their complicated histories to the mix. I mention this because a few of my friends got married this summer. I made it to some, and schedule conflicts prevented me from going to others, but today I focus on three weddings in particular because there is such a broad spectrum between them:

Karen and Quinton Clay - Married, August 10, 2014

Thizel and Steven Williams - Married, August 23, 2014

Felicia and Howard McNair - Married, August 31, 2014

Karen (my niece) and Quinton, both in their 20's never before married, reminded me of the grand loveliness of love. I see them and I really thought of what I wanted again. The look in their eyes full of love and fear, but they showed that "never scared" type of love and it was familiar to anyone who ever walked the aisle before. I love young love, but I love a confident love even more. 

Thizel (my play sister) and Steve, reminds me of a rebounding life. It made me a fan of love again during a time when I didn't like love that much. I saw Thizel and the look on her face would say it all! No one could ever tell her Steve didn't belong to her, and I became again "Love's #1 Fan" because of them. 

Felicia and Howard (my fraternity brother), quiet as it's kept, showed me how to stay under the radar and keep people out of the business of your love, which was none of their business in the first place. Let those in who can help and celebrate, and leave those who hate on the outside. 

It's what I learned from watching these three couples that made me rethink my "happily ever after". The wedding is one day, but the marriage is a lifetime. So what can I give to these particular three couples and to all of you who are reading this blog today? I can tell you that marriage is definitely work, and a change is all but surely on the horizon when you come together, but I encourage all of you as much as you want to focus on a wedding, to have a funeral service for your ego and your need for perfection first. Without a funeral and a letting go who you used to be, there will never be a proper coming together in unity and becoming one. If you haven't seen the documentary, I suggest that you do so, especially if you plan on getting married. Happy weddings are a dime a dozen, but happy marriages are much more rare and therefore are more precious in the world...

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Five Ways to Stop Fighting

Here is something that most relationship coaches aren’t going to tell you: fights are a part of relationships. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can learn how to stop fighting. It doesn’t seem like that makes sense, does it? Stick with me here for a second and you’ll understand. Relationships are kind of like Fight Club: if you’re dating someone, you’re going to fight. There’s no getting around it. It’s the inevitable result of being in a relationship with another person – there’s going to be conflict, no matter how compatible you may be. Trying to avoid fighting means trying to avoid conflict – which usually means that important issues get swept under the rug in the name of “keeping the peace” instead of resolving them. And of course, we all know how well denial works when it comes to conflict resolution. Rather than trying to avoid conflict, people in the most successful relationships learn how to fight so that they don’t end up doing more damage to one another. But learning how to fight is only part of the answer. You also have to know how to stop fighting so that you can actually fix things and move on to the more important parts of the relationship…like the making up. So just how can you stop fighting with your partner? Well I’m glad you asked…

1. Walk It Off - Anger is like fire; when properly harnessed, it’s an incredibly useful and important tool. On the other hand, if you’re careless with it, then you’re going to lose control and it will end up destroying everything you care about. If you want to stop fighting and actually fix things, then you need to give yourself time to cool down separately. Yes separately. It can be hard to let go of things when the person who’s ticking you off is right there with you. You end up feeling pressured to say you’re better, even if you’re still angry. So the best thing you can do? Get a little bit of space and let yourself calm down. You want to get away from the scene of the argument (which is going to just keep reminding you of the fact that you’ve had one) and do the things that let you cool off. Take a walk. Hit the gym and jump on the treadmill and burn out that fire by exhausting yourself. Go listen to music that helps calm you down. Beat on the heavy bag like it owes you money. There are a lot of people who will tell you that you shouldn’t walk off, that every argument should be resolved right then and there. This is a spectacularly, crossing-the-streams-level bad idea; not every conflict is one that can be resolved in one sitting and trying to do so while you’re still angry makes it next to impossible. It’s better to take time to vent, decompress and come back when you’re cool and collected. Just make sure you let your partner know what you’re doing and why; just standing up and storming out is a great way to really hurt someone. Tell them: “Look right now I’m too angry to think straight. I need to go do XYZ to calm down so we can sort this out. I’ll be back in 15 minutes/a half hour/an hour.” 

2. Ask Yourself: Is This The Hill You're Willing To Die On? - Here’s something that trips a lot of people up: sometimes we pick the wrong battles, whether we’re the aggressor or not. We get upset over the wrong things. We get into fights (or make fights worse) because we don’t stop to ask ourselves whether the fight is one worth having. One of the most common conflicts in relationships involves the desire to be “correct” rather than “right”. Chalk it up to how men and women are socialized; men are taught that they’re supposed to be “doers” while women are the “feelers”. Men tend to look for concrete “do this and things will be better” solutions to conflicts. Unfortunately, one of the ways that we tend to express this is by pointing out that the other person is mistaken or doesn’t understand. And let me tell you: there’s nothing like telling a person “no, you’re wrong” to turn a minor fight into a major confrontation. This is a really bad idea when your goal is to stop fighting in the first place. If we take the classic domestic conflict of “you don’t help me do the dishes” and respond with all the ways that we do contribute (paying the bills, picking up around the house, whatever) then we’re trying show that what we do is equivalent…which it may well be in terms of comparative time/effort spent, but that doesn’t actually address the issue. “Winning” the argument is an empty victory when it ruins the relationship in the process, especially when it’s over comparatively minor details. You have to ask yourself: “Is this really the hill I want to die on?” Are you really willing to prolong the fight, or even make it worse, rather than just swallowing your pride and listening to what she’s actually saying?

3. Apologize The Right Way - The fastest way to stop fighting is simple: apologize. But you can’t just say “well, sorry” and expect everything to be magically ok. You have to apologize the right way. This is another area that trips a lot of people up: we tend to equate apologizing with being morally wrong. Why should we apologize when we don’t believe we’ve done anything wrong? Well, because like I said earlier: being “correct” doesn’t mean that you’re “right”. Apologizing isn’t just about who’s wrong or who’s right. It’s also about taking responsibility for how you’ve made other people feel. A sincere apology means understanding why your partner is upset with you and copping to your part in having made it happen.

First: make sure you understand what you’re actually apologizing for. The best way to do this: try to summarize your understanding as to why she’s upset. Then listen. Don’t defend yourself – just listen to why she’s upset. Then apologize for it. “I understand. I’m sorry I hurt you by doing XYZ.” Did you do something wrong? That’s sometimes debatable, but what isn’t debatable is the way you made her feel. And if you actually care about the person you’re dating, then you damn well better care about how you make her feel. Notice very carefully that this is the active voice. There is nothing more infuriating than a weasel like non-apology, apology. “I’m sorry you were hurt” is a verbal way of putting the blame on her for being unreasonable, rather than taking responsibility for your part in hurting her. Similarly, you never give an apology with a qualifier. Saying “I’m sorry, but…” is telling her that not only are you not sorry but once again, she’s wrong for feeling that way in the first place. To pre-empt the obvious objection: if you feel that she’s consistently unreasonable about the way she feels, then it’s probably well past time the two of you broke up. Either you’re right and she’s impossible, in which case you shouldn’t be dating her in the first place…or she’s right and you’re the bastard and she shouldn’t be dating you. Same result either way.

And above all else: never, ever apologize just to make the fight stop and get her off your back. This not only invalidates the apology (because you’re not sorry), but tells her that you’re not going to do anything about it. You’re essentially interacting on bad faith, and you have no intentions of actually resolving the problem, you just want her to shut up. This is incredibly insulting on just about every level and is only going to hasten the inevitable demise of your relationship. Also, if you’re the one being apologized to, accept the apology without editorializing. Responding to “I’m sorry, I was a bastard” with “Yup, you were” is just going to start the fight all over again. 

4. Stop Fighting, Then Resolve The Issue - If you’ve been following the steps, then ideally you’ve both calmed down and gotten to a point where you’ve forgiven each other. This is the time to work out a resolution to the cause of the fight. It’s great that you’ve stopped fighting but that’s just treating a symptom. Unless you actually address the cause, then all you’ve done is just put things on pause until you fight again. Resolving the conflict should be a collaborative approach. This means you have to work on this together to fix things, not just dictate terms to one another as though you’re negotiating a peace treaty. You want to ask two questions: “What do you need to make things better?” and “How can we make this happen?” Relationships are inherently a partnership; you’re supposed to be working together towards a common goal and understanding. They’re not about “who wins” and “who loses”. Everyone loses when you’re fighting, no matter who’s actually in the right. Collaborating together to find a way to make things right reinforces the fact that at the end of the day, you’re on the same side. It’s worth noting: not every solution is going to be a compromise. Sometimes you have to be willing to accept that what you’ve done has hurt your partner, and that you’re going to need to make concessions in the name of not hurting them. That’s part of the price of entry to being in a relationship with someone; if you’re unwilling to pay it…well, then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with them in the first place.

5. Take Time To Make Up - You’ve managed to stop fighting, you’ve worked together to find a solution, now it’s time to make up…and in many ways, this is the most important part of arguing with your partner. You may have patched up the issues from the fight, but you’re both still going to feel the sting of the fight and those lingering emotions can poison your relationship if you don’t take care of them. As it turns out, there’s actually some truth to the old adage of “don’t go to bed angry”. Going to sleep can actually preserve negative emotions or even make them worse. It doesn’t do you any good to try to stop fighting if all you’re going to do is cement the anger and hurt. This is why making up is important. You’re not just resolving the problem, you’re reminding one another that even though you may fight, you still have that core of love and affection for one another. Yes you may get angry, but that doesn’t mean that at the end of the day, you don’t love each other. It’s important to keep that in sight. Taking the time to make up afterwards is a form of relationship self-care. It’s a way of reinforcing the bond and making each other happy again. You’re soothing the hurt that you’ve both caused and replacing it with love and contentment. It reaffirms the strength of your relationship and rewards you for fixing the problems instead of just fighting over and over again. And besides, if you don’t take time to make up, when are you going to have those awesome make-up moments when you do stop fighting?

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Don't Be The "Dater Hater" (Blog Post #300)

If I've learned anything over the past two years of writing about dating and relationships it's this: The secret to a happy dating life is to not worry too much about dating. Yes, it's a totally frustrating and sometimes difficult-to-follow, but it's also the only thing that I can say with complete certainty that is true. If you look at people who are happy with their dating lives, whether they are single or in a relationship, there is one trait they all have in common: a certain lightness in their approach to their romantic lives. These people don't seem to sweat it so much. They don't let their relationship status define them. They don't compare their dating lives to those of other people. They don't freak out about being single; they don't worry if a date goes poorly, if a flirtation turns sour.

Perhaps more important, people with happy dating lives aren't overly concerned about how their own actions will be perceived by potential mates: They text when they feel like texting, they have sex when they feel like having sex, they break up when something isn't working. Which is not to say that their lives are devoid of the heartbreak and frustrations normally associated with matters of the heart. In general, they take things in stride. Dating is a source of amusement and romance, not of frustration and stress. Unfortunately, this ineffable quality, this "lightness" is difficult to conjure or to fake. If dating is something that's stressful to you, and if you're frustrated with your current romantic status, it's hard to just decide to not worry about it so much. When someone says "It will happen when you least expect it" it's perhaps the most infuriating thing a single person who is tired of being single can hear, because at that point you're never not expecting it. You walk into a party and you hope for it; you scan the room looking for it; say you start talking someone, and despite all logic or attempts at restraint, you find yourself thinking, Is this it? Is this him, is this her? Is this finally it? When you want something badly, it's hard not to take it seriously. 

What the phrase "It will happen when you least expect it" really means is, "It will happen when you just stop worrying about it." It will happen when you let your guard down for a second, when you're thinking about something else, when for a moment all the stress and frustration and heaviness part like clouds, and someone gets a glimpse of the real you that's been hiding underneath. I promise that's the corniest thing you'll read in this blog, but it's true, it's true, it's true. It might not be immediate, but once you stop stressing, at some point it will happen. On the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook, I asked people to finish the sentence "I want to be with someone who wants to be ____". I read a lot of answers that people said, an overwhelming majority said "with me", but it wasn't until someone said "happy" that it actually made me think.. People want to be with people who are happy. It's what they're looking for when they meet people at a party or on a first date, even more than good looks or funny jokes or a smooth alluring flirtation. People want to be with someone happy, because if you're with someone happy, then maybe you can be happy too.

You have to figure out a way to be happy without a partner, without a date, without sex, without a response to that text or a "like" on a Facebook picture or a flirty exchange on GChat. Because the sooner you lower the stakes on all that, the easier it will be for you, I promise. Someone who is moping around, giving up dating as "hopeless", who thinks all the women in his city "suck" or all the good men are "taken already", is simply going to have a much harder time finding someone. No one wants to be with the person who thinks like that. So how do you practice "lightness" when you're genuinely fed up with dating, when you're seriously afraid you might never meet someone, when you've tried everything and you're sincerely doubtful that a hippy-dippy state of being is going to dramatically change your dating life? It can be a slow process, but you have to try to get to the point where you are okay just being yourself, no matter how desperately you really do want a relationship. It might be hard work, it might take a long time, it might mean investing in your friends, in your hobbies or in whatever it is you do that makes you happy and relaxed. Not only will dating be easier when you strip away some of your stress and anxiety, but in the process, you yourself will become even more of a person that other people want to be around, and maybe even date...

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The Relationship Rollercoaster

You’ve reached a point where you’re tired of exerting energy into the wrong people, so you take time to re-evaluate yourself and your approach to dating. Then finally, one day you wake up and say “Okay, I’m ready to get back out there and try again”, only to find yourself in the same cycle repeating the same behavioral patterns as before. You asked yourself how did you wind up here…AGAIN? Well, I know that’s what I’ve asked myself on numerous occasions, especially when I thought that I had taken time to access and re-access…you know, the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s of the short lived dating cycle. Usually when one finds themselves in this cycle, there are contributing factors such as:

1. Believing that you are not good enough to wait for what you deserve.
2. Trust issues.
3. Oblivious to your past relationship mistakes.
4. Insecurity, and self-esteem issues.
5. Allowing your impatience to impede the natural progression of the relationship by adding pressure of having a title versus focusing on building a strong foundation of friendship.
6. Being afraid to set standards, boundaries, and expectations and hold the other party accountable of adhering to them.

This may attribute to your inability to allow your relationship to flow naturally. Often times, the volume on a woman's biological clock is on 10, which could drown out any logical reasoning skills, could also send you into fight or flight mode. Therefore, women tend to dash past friendship to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage without truly knowing who they are getting involved with until they are in too deep and things have taken a turn for the worse. It's usually forgotten that you have more control on the direction of the relationship than you think you do. Do not be afraid to express your desire for a committed relationship. Some women think that if you clearly state that you want a committed relationship then you will scare the guy away because he may feel pressured. FALSE! Most men can respect women that confidently state what they want and stick to it. For instance, if you express your desire for a relationship and he states that he is not ready or he is not looking for a girlfriend/wife; then you know that you guys are not on the same page, It’s okay to walk away if that's what you want to do, and find someone that is ready to be on that same page.

Please know that it is not a curse to be single. If you are single, know that it's okay to not date for a while. Take time to work on yourself and assess your dating habits. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to gain clarity on your next course of action. However, during this time take a look in the mirror and get to know the person that’s staring you in the face (for those of you who say that you already know yourself…well, get reacquainted with yourself). Remember, you are whom you attract. The men/women that you date are a reflection of yourself, and what you are putting out into the relationship universe. Take time to decide what type of relationship will make you happy, what type of man or woman you would like to date, what characteristics are most important to you, and what are your deal breakers? Hopefully, your biggest take away from this lesson today is to make sure that you are happy first. When you are happy and emotionally healthy, then you will attract someone like you. "Opposites Attract" is a Paula Abdul Song, not a relationship status, so find someone you are compatible with...

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The 40-Something Year Old Invisible Man

In the 1933 Universal Studios horror film The Invisible Man, Claude Rains plays Dr. Griffin, a scientist who becomes invisible when he starts experimenting with a dangerous chemical. This radical and sudden change turns him from a compassionate seeker of knowledge into a murderer, bent on chaos and destruction. When I turned invisible, it took a lot longer, but it was just as painful. As men over 40, there comes a time in our life when we begin to feel this invisibility overcome us. Just as Harry Potter was able to pull a cloak of invisibility over himself to hide from his enemies, we feel this cloak begin to cover us and hide us from the world and the dating opportunities that are out there. We are longing to get out there, but for some reason, the world does not respond to our wishes:

1. We begin to feel lonely.
2. We begin to feel depressed.
3. We occasionally hide our feelings inside a bottle or at the end of a fork.
4. We don’t go out, because why should we, when all it does is lead to another night alone.

The formula for invisibility: It took the good Dr. Griffin quite some time to discover the exact formula for invisibility, but you and I can recreate it any time that we want. Invisibility is ours for the taking. We can suffer as long as we desire. We can even teach other men how to become invisible. Even though each of us can become invisible, each of us has a unique path to transparency. My path is not your path, and my elixir may not work on you, but I will now show you the ingredients that led to my invisibility. Take a look at your life and see if any of these elements are in your life at this time.

I was over 40, and the awkwardness of my teens and the partying of my twenties had led to the sowing wild oats of my thirties. I wasn’t thinking about a long term relationship, or about a relationship in general. I was living in the hedonistic moment, unafraid and unaware of the years of invisibility that lay before me. Because I was busy trying to write, I had no social life. When you have no social life you will have a very small to non-existent circle of friends. I was too busy scribbling away in my Ivory Tower to keep in touch with friends and family, much less go out to see them and have a drink or dinner or even coffee with them. They would invite me out, I would choose art over friendship, and I would turn them down. The invitations became few and far between, and then they stopped. I knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know how to fix the problem and heal myself. All I knew was, that as a man, I had to take action. I rushed out into the world, but it did not turn out well. I started going out again, and the pain only increased. I was there, but no one was noticing me. My invisibility was complete. There comes a time in the life of a man when he must learn the tools and lessons necessary to overcome the wasteland, to overcome the invisibility that has surrounded him. He must learn the lessons, and come back and teach those lessons to others.

The journey to visibility: I have returned with the elixir, and I am here to bear witness that we can all be healed. You can have a great social life, and you can start dating again. You can surround yourself with those who are proud to call you their friend. You can become visible again, and here's how...

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1. Be Patient — When I first started dating again, I had a bad case of "Instant Gratification". I hit the ground running, signed up for match.com, created a profile and expected the emails and winks to start rushing in. Imagine my surprise when they did not come immediately. They barely came at all. I would log in each morning, right after my workout, and see the empty inbox, and I would die a little inside. Where were they? What you need to realize is that this is a long term game. Finding the love of your life will take time and it will take patience. Even though you may have become single quickly, perhaps through a divorce, finding and becoming part of a new relationship will not happen so immediately. Your journey begins with one step, and it will continue with a thousand more in front of you. Prepare yourself for this, because it’s inevitable. This takes time, but it will be worth it.

2. Be Realistic — I thought that I was quite a prize when it came to the dating scene. I look at my competition and saw that I was gainfully employed, had all my teeth and (grey) hair. What I got was dead silence. What I realized is that I didn’t get any responses because I was aiming at the wrong target. When you are over 40, the days of dating 20 year old women are gone. Those days are saved for guys who are in the midst of a mid-life crisis and trust me, it’s not going to end well. He will lose sleep, he will lose money, and he will lose self-respect trying to keep that plane in the air, but it’s going to end like the Hindenburg disaster. Plenty of screaming and explosions. You might want to adjust your thermostat to women who are your own age. I’ll give you 5 to 10 years younger, but don’t go beyond that. If you go beyond that, and you’ll be venturing into creepy territory. I need you to age gracefully and with all the qualities of a man, not a boy. You know who’s going to want to date an over 40 man with children? An over 40 woman with children.

3. Be Yourself — As I put the above lessons into action, my life got better. I received more emails, I got more winks, I had more coffee dates, I had more second dates. I learned who I truly was, and I learned what I wanted and what I didn’t want in a partner. I was getting closer and closer to the elixir, to the holy grail, but I still had miles to go.

(story time) I remember the end of one coffee date, I always took women out for coffee for a first date, because it was casual, low key, and allowed us to face each other and talk and listen and learn about each other. This particular date had started out great. We met at a local Starbucks, and we spend the evening talking about movies, television, our past, our desired future, etc. I walked her out to her car, and asked if she would like to get together again. She said no. She said that I was too nerdy. At the beginning of my journey, I would have taken this as a slight. I would have been embarrassed, ashamed and would have tried to talk her into a second date by promising to be less nerdy. I didn’t do any of that. I just laughed. Why? Because I love being nerdy and doing nerdy things. I re-discovered my love of the TV series "Smallville" and the correlation between Clark, Lana, Lex and Lois. She called me a nerd because I am a nerd. Enough about me, who are you? Who is the man that you face in the mirror each morning? Are you being who you truly are? When you go out, are you relaxed and comfortable in your skin, or are you nervous and desperately trying to do things and say things that will gain her approval and get you a second date? I need you to re-discover yourself, and I need you to embrace who you are...flaws and all. Watch those shows. Go to those conventions. Collect those baseball cards. Wear that Superman t-shirt. Do what brings you joy. Do what makes you happy.

4. Be Social — When you are doing things that make you happy, you are going to want to hang out with people who are also doing those things. In a hero’s journey (and yes, I am still talking in terms of Superman), the hero is almost never alone. He has friends. He has fellow warriors. He has allies. In your journey to visibility, I need you to get out of the damn house. Once I started really embracing my nerdiness, I wanted to hang out with other folks who loved the same thing that I did. No matter what you’re into, there are other folks who are into that too. The way to build that strong, unshakeable social network is by being a true friend to those who have earned it. As you move through this journey, there will be enemies as well as allies. A hero is slow to trust, but ever watchful for those who have earned it by their actions. Don’t be afraid to go outside, it’s beautiful out there. Get out and about, and join the rest of us.

5. Just BE — We are not human doings, we are human beings. We need to learn how to just be. As my journey continued, I got pretty tired. I was going out, making new friends, going to conventions, discovering new things and just generally running from here to there and back again. I soon realized that I needed a break. I needed to find balance between my social life and my need for solitude and quiet. I learned how to say “no” and tried to say it just as much as I said “yes”. I learned to pray. I rediscovered my love of nature and taking long walks to just decompress, and I need you to do the same thing. I need you to occasionally find time for yourself. Lay on the couch, take a nap, read a good book, read a good book to your kids. Discover and learn or rediscover a way to connect to God. Take a deep breath, and just be. These are the five steps toward visibility, toward a successful dating life for us men over 40.

You are visible again: One of the final parts of the journey is called The Resurrection. For there to be a Resurrection, one must die a figurative death. Back to the movie The Invisible Man, Dr. Griffith is on his deathbed, a fatal shot drains his life away. As he slowly dies, he begins to become visible. The bones, the muscles, the tendons, the veins, the skin, the man. As he dies, he is visible again. For you to become fully visible, a part of you must die. My best friend Jennifer would always tell me, no matter how right she was and how much I didn't want to listen to her: "You must let go of your demands and your impatience. Getting angry because you didn’t get what you want, or getting sad because things are moving too slow are the ways of a child. The world does not bend to your command. The world keeps turning regardless of your petulance. You must become a man who is patient." The partner of your dreams will not come knock on your door and present herself to you, so you must journey out to find her. Become a man who has friends and make sure that they are proud to call you their friend.

With all death there is a final breath, and you must learn to focus on yours. Learn to enjoy the stillness and quiet that solitude may bring. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Relax. Remember that you are cradled in the arms of a God that loves you, so just be. Should these steps prove to be too difficult, that’s okay. A man has got to know his limitations...

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Do Men Fear Courting Women?

Thinking to myself, at some point I will write about “Why Men Don’t Put In Work Dating.” It will deal with men deciding not to court a woman we aren’t sure are worth it, but that is a blog for another day. Today’s post will differ from that a little, because it’s about the perspective of wanting to court a woman we think is worth it. I used the word “fear” in my title above, but maybe "fear" is too strong of a word. Men are certainly skeptical about courting a woman, and here's why...

In a perfect world, men WANT to court women. If a man is ready for a meaningful relationship, he will be willing to court. The issue with every guy is just about the same: we want to know that things have the potential to head somewhere. We’re problem solvers by nature. We’re inclined to want results in whatever we do, and a man who wants to build a relationship has no issue in building all elements of intimacy. The hanging out, the playing games, and the watching movies are all welcomed. We want to connect with a woman beyond her body. Of course us wanting to be sure that things have potential can make courting less organic. Maybe if we had some assurance without bringing it up ourselves, it could ease all of that.

This topic teeters on the fence of the very, VERY dreaded "friend zone" area. A subject that has been written and spoken about many times by me, but nevertheless it’s back, and it plays some role in our psyche. If a man is into you and wants to court you then he sure should be your friend, but that man does not want to stay at entry-level forever. When a woman says she wants to focus on being friends first, we feel like she’s crying wolf. It isn’t her fault, but the fault of others before her. We don’t always react well to these situations because quite frankly we’re confused. Take the movie “Think Like A Man” for example: Lauren (played by Taraji P. Henson) tells Dominic (played by Michael Ealy) that after all they shared, they should just be friends. He cuts her off mid sentence and finishes it. He’s been down the road that we all have. He has the same response we do as well. “I have enough friends!” he exclaims, and it’s true; we see something more in you all.

We know the value of friendship. We see becoming friends as a gamble. If we did start as friends we worry we’ll be put in a box. Moreover, too many women have used “let’s be friends first” as an ugly scapegoat to say they weren’t interested. The biggest thing that really throws us off our game is when a woman says who her ideal man should be. Across the board women say their partner should be their best friend. So when a woman says she doesn’t want to “damage” a friendship, we mentally lose it. We’re mind-boggled in the mind and we become boggled (just like this sentence). If your partner should be your best friend, then aren’t you risking the ultimate friendship by being with them? There’s something else going on here. There’s another reason for this that I need the ladies to answer.

If you haven’t met enough men willing to take their time and court you, it’s because they’re paranoid. It isn’t always because we all want sex and need it on the double. Women have had their hand in the sullying of the courting process as well. This is in need of acknowledgement. Ladies, do you agree?  Have you always been honest if someone just didn’t have a chance to be more than a friend? Fellas, can you relate to the post? Are we just more skeptical of doing things the “right” way? This version of the conversation is worth having, and hopefully we can have it here. Feel free to share... 

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Help, I Still Love My Ex!

What does it mean when you say, "I still love my ex?" When a person says "I still love my ex" that is actually a good sign that means that there truly was love at one point. That love is a gift that can't be easily taken from you. It is normal for love to still be there due to the many memories from your relationship. Many will be memories of good times. Because you may still feel love it does not necessarily mean that you should get back together. You should ask yourself, "I still love my ex, but do I want my ex back?" If you take the time and step back to think about it, you will be able to see if the two of you were meant to be.

If you find that you are saying, "I still love my ex" it may due to the lingering feelings of fondness and there should be no rush to go in any certain direction. You should go with the flow. One of two things will happen. You will either remain friends for a long time, or you will drift apart. Being friends is something that few have and it's really quite special. Great friends are hard to find. If you are saying, "I still love my ex", and you really mean that you want to get back together with them, then you have some work to do. First you need to know if the other person has any interest in you still. As with the advice above, this should happen naturally. Do not push the issue one way or the other and you will be able to see if the feeling is mutual.

When both of you mutually agree to try again, you will need to be ready to work. If this was a failed marriage, you should seek a marriage counselor. It does not really matter what type of relationship that was failed, you should seek the advice of a relationship expert so that you can rebuild your relationship into a stronger union. It is obvious that mistakes were made and that the two of you were not capable of resolving them on your own. If you were already receiving counseling then change providers.

You will need a fresh start and should have help to make your relationship stronger. If you find that you are saying "Help! I still love my ex!" You do not need to panic. Let things take a natural course and then seek help to find the right path. Soon you will no longer be saying,"I still love my ex." Instead you will be saying "I am in love."

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The Story of Prince Harming

Most of us have had our heart broken once or twice by partners whom we thought were “The One”. When you began dating, your relationship felt like you won the relationship lottery among millions who are trying to take a chance on love. In the first few months of being together, your boyfriend posed as the best man you’ve ever met. A couple of months later, he starts to show his side of “Mr. Hyde” (he was the evil one, right?) and until you look closely, you realize he's not the best out there for you. You start to feel like you've been robbed of your happily ever after, and your prince shows you that he's only a frog.

Then as problems come, you discover that your boyfriend isn’t really that concerned for you at all. When he tells you to "do whatever you want" and he says "he won’t mind", what he really means is you should mind your own business and not care about his, because he totally doesn’t care about yours. You didn't read the fine print of your relationship contract, and you should've looked closely to see what you’re getting yourself into.  Now you don’t know how to get out, because you’re already in too deep and you don’t want to feel embarrassed with your family and friends that your Prince Charming is actually Prince Harming, who only comes when it’s time to have fun and does more harm than he could ever do good. And men wonder why nice girls turn into witches or have their defenses up 24/7.

Ladies, please, please, PLEASE…try to hold off as much as you can before giving everything that you have to a man. It's wonderful to fall in love, but it's also right to look after your heart and your dignity. At present, there are guys out there who have a checklist of the women they want to prey on, yet there are still a few good men among this generation. You just have to be very patient and vigilant to see beyond the gifts, the fancy car(s), expensive food, trips, and paycheck. All men would want to impress you initially to gain your confidence, but a real man will be proud to have you by his side and will show you off all the time even when he doesn't have anything impressionable to impress you with.

A real man who wants a commitment is open to compromise. He will be flexible and will show his attention to details in every aspect of your relationship. I repeat, every aspect of your relationship, no matter how foolish it may seem. It's important for him that he cares not only for your feelings, but for your pride as a woman as well. He will be hurt when you are hurting, and will give genuine comfort to you when you’re crying. A real man will wait for you, no matter how long it takes, or how hard it may be, and will do everything in his capacity to give you his last name. Love is an investment, so make sure the assets can outweigh the liabilities and the relationship value will always appreciate as time passes. As for the frog, we all seem to come across a few. For the sake of Prince Harming, maybe it's better if we lay off kissing them for a while...

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What Men Want...Really

I was reading an article about "what men really want" in a relationship, but the problem was it was written by a woman and it didn’t really resonate with me. A few nights later some guy friends of mine and I started talking about it, and we came to the general consensus that she was right some of the time but also wrong some of the time too. It seemed like a good time for a little research, so I took mental notes of what was said. So here now is a modified version of that topic, but with the input of 5 men (2 married, 1 single with a girlfriend, and 2 single without a girlfriend) basically thinking what we as men want in a relationship.

What We Want

• Low Maintenance – This was an across the board pick. Not to say that we don't want women to not look good, but we don’t want them to spend forever getting ready. We are more than willing to help do things, but we do not want to be expected to do everything for you. Being a partner does not equal slave or care-giver (or eternal purse holder).
• Gentle and Kind – If we wanted rough and manly, then we would just hang out with each other. All of us agreed that a sensitive, gentle, and caring woman is someone who will love us the way we want to be loved.
• Attractive - This is a broad range answer but the bottom line is we want someone who takes pride in how she looks and is confident about themselves (confidence is VERY sexy). Other than that, it varies as to what we all find attractive as we have different types.
• A Challenge – We want someone who pushes us a little to do more in life. This isn’t someone who nags or complains, but a partner who wants to try new stuff and keep us from forming ruts.
• Funny - You don’t have to be a stand up comic, but we all agreed a woman who laughs and likes silly humor is just more fun.
• Supportive – Three of us said we want a woman who has our back and will support us when we need her. Two of us said they don’t want a woman who just criticizes us, but all of us are actually saying the same thing.

What We Don’t Want

• Angry Women – People who are tense, shout, and get frustrated really easily are a no-go...no matter how beautiful you are.
• Untrustworthy – Someone who could stab us in the back or break our heart is out of the running.
• Being Alone – Bottom line, we like to have someone with us and we usually will put up with a lot if we think that person is worth it.

Really, it's not a big list. I am sure guys in different phases of life will have different wants. But these are the things my friends and I agreed on for likes and dislikes when looking for a woman for the long term...

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If They Really Love You...

Does anyone remember picking up a daisy an playing the "they love me, they love me not" game? Before you got to the end, you were hoping and praying that you wouldn't run out of petals before you got the confirmation you wanted. This may have been an innocent game played when we were kids, but I'm finding out this game of relationship roulette is most popular among people in situationships today, however we all need to take a closer look at what we have going on before we leave it to the daisy. I remember posting this list on my Facebook page a while back, and at the time I didn't think I needed a reminder of my own lesson, but I guess we all need a refresher course every now and then. So, here are the ways you can tell if the person YOU love can really loves YOU back: 

1. They make time for you. Jobs, commutes, errands, bills, responsibilities and obligations. We all have lots of things going on, but here's the harsh reality, someone who is truly interested in you will find an endless number of reasons on why they must see you. Someone who is just playing around, or confused about their own feelings, will find an endless number of excuses on why they just don't have the time.

2. They treat you as someone valuable. Someone who cares about you will go the extra mile to show through action, not just with words. And they will keep showing you long after the dating phase of your relationship is passed. They pay attention to the things that matter to you, value the things you do, and reciprocate consistently.

3. They don't allow too much time to pass without seeing you. They definitely have their own life and their own individuality, but they want to spend time with you (and not just in the bedroom). If you're in a long distance relationship, they will carve out time to talk on video chat, as well as planning in-person time as both of your schedules allow. Major holidays should be spent together as well.

4. They support what is important to you. Someone who loves you cares about things you are passionate about. They encourage you to do the things you love, even if it means you're doing those things and activities without them. They want you to spend time with family and friends, and then truly enjoy hearing you recount your activities with them during your alone time with them. They encourage you to find and embrace activities that bring out your talent and your passions, and they aren't threatened by the time you spend away from them, or any success you made while doing it.

5. They want people to know. They might not put it out there on social media, or want full on PDA's, but hand holding and affection is effortless. They're grateful and proud that you are in their life, and they want others to know about you. You have even met their family and friends, and they bring you to functions that involves them both. Any person who doesn't discuss their significant other with family and friends, really isn't that significant to them after all.

6. They make you a priority. When making plans or decisions, they consider your wants and needs and make sure your feelings are considered. Even if they aren't around, they're thinking of you and maybe sending you little text messages to let you know. You won't hear from him/her every 30 minutes, and if you do, then what are they not doing with their work schedule? They should make a constant effort to stay in contact with you throughout the day as their schedule will allow, with the emphasis on as their schedules will allow.

7. They give you their honesty. They follow through on what they say, and will tell you honestly and hopefully if they can't. They're open about their past, and accept you without judgement. When issues come up, they are willing to work through them. They recognize that they aren't perfect but they don't expect you to be perfect either.

The relationship lessons today: saying I love you is one thing, but actions speak volumes, and what they DO (with you, for you, and around you) needs to back up their words. If they love you, then you'll know it because you'll feel it. If they don't love you, then you'll wonder all of the time whether or not they ever did...

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The Past is The Past

CONFESSION TIME: The consequences of my past and my past alone has haunted me for quite a while now. Meditating and doing stuff to avoid these thoughts hasn’t helped them to cease. Every event that I’ve encountered has repeated itself in my mind. I’m constantly reminded of how messed up I was. My immaturity dictated my decisions thus causing me to really bring myself down. I wasn’t aware of my surroundings or aware of how it would affect me in the long run – I wasn’t thinking thoroughly. I sometimes thought because of my decisions, I put myself here, and I really believe that. I had to be humbled, but had I not been who I was then, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I’ve been freed mentally. Though my days are tough and emotionally draining, I now think rationally and responsibly. I am not who I was 5, 10, or even 15 years ago...and neither are you.

We've all made bad decisions in our years of living, yet we have been blessed to learn from them. We've been given the opportunity to share our past confidently to others as means to guide and motivate – such as our parents. They have pressed us to be better, do better, and make better decisions because they weren’t able to. Sometimes we miss the signs, which is okay because if we wake up the next day, we’re given another sign to start over or change. We've gone through the past to get here and go further to what is promised to us. We're all uniquely made, and given different assignments to direct us to becoming stronger and better.

Though we reminisce on how we used to be or used to act, we don’t have to dwell on it. No one can go back and change something because we wouldn’t have been able to learn. If we were granted one wish to change something in the past, we wouldn’t be where we are now — emotionally or physically. There is a lesson in every season ranging from romances, friendships, relationships and even ourselves. We are all given the opportunity to spend more time with ourselves for gain and acceptance. As we learn more about how strong we are, how lovable we are, how caring, giving and beautiful are, we understand what we need now rather than tripping over what we wanted then. We become mature with age and experiences that includes bad and good decisions. What we did then shouldn’t affect who we are now. What’s done is done and there is more to come, but some situations are repeated as a test. Since we’ve grown so much, we should be able to know how to handle things better. So like I’ve told myself, I don’t live in my past anymore. We are new, the day is new and the challenge is new. Spend more time focusing on being better than yesterday and the 5, 10, 15 years before that…

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