Women and Loyalty

LOYALTY: An example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like. (dictionary.com) Men, how do you know if a woman is loyal to you? Better yet, how do you know if a woman is loyal to the relationship? If you don’t know already, a relationship works independent of an individuals pride and ego. So how do you know if your significant other is loyal to the relationship? While there are many tell-tale signs, below are three ways you can gauge your woman’s loyalty to the relationship:

1. She remains consistent even when (not if) you make her upset. Let’s say you love to come home from work to warm bath water, but earlier in the day, you made your significant other upset because you forgot to put gas in her car before going to bed last night. If you come home and find that she still ran your bath water to your liking, she is loyal to the relationship. She realizes that while you’ve upset her, not preparing your bath water will only cause you to be upset. And once you combine one upset person in a relationship with another upset person in the relationship, the relationship itself explodes. Although you disappointed her, she does what is best not for you, but for the relationship.
2. She comes to you first with her problems. Some women may resort to discussing personal matters in your relationship with friends or family before coming to you. A woman who is loyal to the relationship realizes it can be extremely harmful to bring “outsiders” into a personal matter. Instead of taking her issues with you to her friends and family, a loyal woman comes directly to you. If she finds that she is unable to successfully express her concerns to you, then she resorts to seeking another opinion to better understand how to communicate her concerns to you. She is doing this not for herself, but for the sake of the relationship.
3. She takes pride in being in the relationship and doesn’t take you for granted. When a woman is proud to be in a relationship, she wears that pride on her sleeve — not in a boastful manner. It’s just that her happiness beams so much that it can’t be contained or hidden. Of course, this means you have to give her reason to be proud (which will be shared in a follow-up article tomorrow). Although she knows you could be with someone else, and she could be with someone else, she is happy to know that both of you have chosen to be with one another. A woman who doesn’t want to have “options” because she’s content with being with you, is a woman to keep and treat with the utmost respect.

These are just a few way to determine loyalty, and I'm sure there are others. If you know of any more, feel free to leave them in the comments below. Tomorrow I will tell you how to gauge a man's loyalty to the relationship...

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Life Goes On (Guest Blogger)

A couple of days ago, I was going through my regular morning routine of reading my Facebook newspaper, when I came across one of my friends posts. Do you ever have a moment when you stop browsing and you find yourself engulfed in what someone has posted? Well, that's what happened to me when I read it (three times) and I begged for permission to put it on the blog, You all know I don't beg for much but this lesson was worthy of it, so I yield the worldwide stage and give you today's guest blogger Alyse Thomas.

When you love hard, it's VERY easy to become bitter when things don't work...especially when you KNOW you've been good to folk. The ignominy associated with failed relationships is very real. Not only do you feel like death, but you have to tear down the thousand pictures and post you put up when y'all were "in love" AND you have to deal with all the "oh, where's _____?", or "did you hear _____ was doing/out with _____?" I mean, it can really get bothersome. And too, if it ain't a clean break, you grow to hate the very man/woman you once envisioned spending your life with. It's rough...and because it's SO darn rough, it discourages you from trying again. However, in prayer my pastor encouraged me to love again. I was half dead, but I was woke enough to hear him say..."this one won't do you like the last one". He briefly touched on fear and how we should just go on and live. It blessed me SO much I wanted to share it with y'all. 

I know this post might be a little lengthy, but I just wanted to encourage you guys to believe again. All men and women aren't the same, and everybody isn't going to break your heart. If nothing else, heart break has taught me how to be wise in my dealings and to take things very slow. It taught me to enjoy the beauty of friendship. I know in the beginning of heartbreak, it feels like someone died but a year and a half later, I'm here to tell you that life DOES go on, and it can be absolutely beautiful! I won't say some days aren't hard and you won't miss them, because that's a lie...you WILL hit some hard days and you WILL miss them. In those moments, learn to smile about what was right and learn from what wasn't. Love is a beautiful experience with the right person (or so I hear) and I'd hate for us to miss it because we're mad. Life is way too short to harp over who doesn't love you, especially when you can be outside bumping into the person who WANTS to love you.

Once more, I apologize for the length but it was on my heart. I once read that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (Rev. 12:11) and maybe speaking what I've learned in my experience can help you make it through yours. I love you guys and God loves you too. The more you get lost in Him, the more all else will disappear. So, stop fooling yourself into believing you'll be single forever YOU WON'T, but you will be single until you give God your whole heart. If you give it to Him He'll patch you up real good, believe me!

Ok, I'm done!
Lyse

Well said Alyse, well said...

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Lessons in Workplace Romances

From time to time the readers do me the pleasure of sending in articles worth sharing. Not all of them make it to the site, but this one was good enough and it's one that I would consider VERY necessary. DISCLAIMER: This article is for informative and educational purposes only, and should not be understood as legal advice.

Some people can find love and romance anywhere: in college, at social gatherings, in the elevator, standing in line at the store, and even at their work place. However, out of all these places to find your soul mate, the work place is one that could present possible challenges. Certainly most of us can attest to witnessing or maybe even being involved in an office romance, but several companies have particular guidelines for office dating/relationships, while other companies may outright prohibit it.

If the relationship is between an employer and employee, or a supervisor and subordinate there can be issues of nepotism. This can be a problem particularly if everyone else in the office is aware of the romance and the favoritism is obvious. This type of office romance becomes even more problematic if the relationship goes south because that can open the employer and company to claims of discrimination when the preferential treatment ceases. It could also lead to a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission if the relationship ended poorly and if one of the individuals becomes vindictive.

Even office romances between co-workers can create challenges. For instance, a dissolved office romance can seriously impact an individual’s work performance and hurt the business. Also an unsuccessful co-worker relationship, similarly to a supervisor/subordinate relationship, can result in claims of sexual harassment, which can have a tremendous impact on a company and their reputation.

As previously mentioned, a company can implement policies for office romance or can prohibit it as part of your employment agreement. Many companies have policies in their employee handbook that address office romance and may include consequences if you fail to follow those policies. While some people believe that their employer having rules about their love life is inappropriate because the employer should not enter their bedroom, such policies are a safeguard for the employer to avoid possible liability. Therefore, prohibiting office relationships or requiring employees to notify employers when such relationships occur is more of a smart business decision and less of an invasion of your personal life. Additionally, companies have Human Resource representatives available if you have questions about what you can and cannot do with your co-workers.

So before you get involved with your co-worker, be sure to familiarize yourself with your company’s policies. Finding love in the work place certainly is not worth losing your job over...

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Get What You Believe You Deserve!

Over the weekend in Chicago, I attended a conversation party and I want to give a special thanks to Allyson Vaulx and Crystal Thomas from "7 Minutes with God" for inviting me to be a part. I was a guest on an amazing panel giving the male perspective (like I usually do), and I realized a few things as I was talking to the group...  

People attract what they believe they deserve. If you feel like you are not worthy enough to be with an honest person, or live in a good neighborhood, then guess what…you will attract those things to your life whether you know it or not. The world is moving toward the ideas based on the “law of attraction” but many don’t believe it or understand how to quite grab it. They know they see other people getting everything they want, or “attracting” everything they desire, but they are just not sure on how to get it themselves.

Here is the scary thing: If you don’t believe you will ever get what you want, you will subconsciously do things to sabotage yourself! If you don’t believe you deserve to stay in a five star hotel, you surely won’t call up the Ritz-Carlton and book a room because part of you believes it's out of your reach. The best hotel stay I ever had, and where I frequently go back just to clear my head and think, or get that getaway from the everyday is found at one of the best kept secrets out there called the MileNorth Hotel in Chicago's Gold Coast. What if you felt like you deserved to stay there? Would you not look up Orbitz, Travelocity or Hotels.com just to see perhaps if there actually was a deal somewhere out there for you?

There's an old saying: "When you believe something, you give life to it". Superstitions, phobias, love, wealth, opportunities…you name it. So, what do you deserve? But more importantly, what do you BELIEVE you deserve? I believe there is love out there, I believe there is a "lid" for every "pot". As I proclaim myself to be "Love's #1 Fan", I have no other choice but to believe "The One" exists and my soulmate is waiting for me. If I believe it for ME, surely I can believe it for YOU. The question is, do you believe it too? Remember, you attract what you believe you deserve...

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Why The Ain't $*%# Guy Keeps Coming Your Way

So you’re not quite the Next Top Model, but you’re attractive enough that you have options. You’re sure of what you want and refuse to settle for less, but guys are either turn offs or not who they say they are. Well the problem could be in the laundry list of qualifications you expect your man to meet. “I want a bad boy, a lot of money, and that ain’t afraid to put me in my place when I start talkin’ crazy.” That’s music to an ain't $*%# guy’s ears. Most women choose men based on  superficial things like these, but as you mature, so should your standards. Being tired of running into all the wrong guys while passing up the good guys is like hating spicy foods and drinking hot sauce. You’re doing it to yourself. Mr. Right might statistically be the most average and unimpressive guy who can’t make the cut because he’s not 6’5 with abs and a 401k. When you define your type, it should include more than just personality and looks but also character. It doesn’t matter how “fine” and “funny” a guy is, if he can’t be FAITHFUL you’re only hurting yourself by entertaining him.

What you’re using to attract these guys is also directly related to who’s coming your way. You don’t see people throwing out catnip when they go fishing for a reason. Same thing goes for when you wear the painted on jeans or have your cleavage hitting you in the chin then tell guys it’s what’s on the inside that counts. We’re pretty easy to confuse and that will do just the trick. You want to catch and keep the good guys, then use good guy bait; Self-respect, patience, and class.

Now if you’re one of those looking for a guy by reasonable standards but they never turn out to be who they say they are, then I have a suggestion; When you’re getting to know him, stop asking those Myspace questions about his favorite colors and start asking things he’s not so used to lying about. Something like “What things did you go through that taught you the value of hard work?” or “Do you have a favorite author?”. Those are the kinds of questions that will show you where a man is at intellectually and with his maturity. Besides, impressing you should take more than a visit to the barbershop and a few lyrics from Drake. If he can’t take the lead on a mentally stimulating conversation, then he’s showing you one of his colors and it rhymes with red flag.

Don’t make it so easy on us. Observe whether or not what a man is saying is consistent with his life. He can’t be telling you he’s a responsible guy yet living well beyond his means because he heard it in a rap song. We have an idea on what most women are looking for, so you have to put forth the effort of removing yourself from that majority. We’ll either respect you more for it or remove ourselves from the situation because we know we’re not on your level. It may take some lonely nights and awkward moments when your friends are flashing their engagement rings, but don’t settle for less than you deserve. A woman who knows her worth is an ain't $*%# guy’s worst nightmare.

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This Friday night, I will be a part of an amazing panel talking about dating, sex and relationships with Crystal and Ally from "7 Minutes with God" at Cafe Say in Chicago. If you're in the area, you might want to come on out for some real relationship talk. See you then!

Dating Mistakes Women Make

At one time or another dating was easy. It was about going out with someone and having fun. There was no pressure when it came to dating. But nowadays, it seems as if women are really putting the pressure on these men and expecting some type of committed relationship after two or three of weeks of dating. Even though there are different situations when it comes to dating, one thing’s for sure, many women tend to make the same mistake. And since most men think in sports terms when it comes to women, I thought I’d do the same. So I’m breaking down my opinion on common instances that come up while dating a guy, and how women mess things up from a sports aspect.

At some point, the question of why each of you are single comes up. He lets you know he’s single by choice, not ready for the responsibility of a girlfriend, or he’s still working on himself. Naturally women accept these answers and agree with him that they too are doing the same thing and not tripping about a relationship. FOUL! If you know that’s not how you feel, why agree? Why not let him know your expectations? When you agree with him and add the extra “I’m not looking to get into a relationship either,” you’ve basically agreed to be friends until his further notice.

Sometimes women begin to formulate the thought that she can change him. TECHNICAL FOUL! When will women learn that you can’t change a man? A man makes the change for himself. The only thing a woman can change about a man is his style of dress and the décor of his living quarters and that’s as close as you’re going to get. In your eyes, you can be the best thing that came into his life, but if he’s not ready to settle down he’s not going to. If anything, he’ll have the luxury of having a friend doing girlfriend-like duties.

Months have passed and things are going well, then something clicks and for whatever reason a woman needs more. All of a sudden you need a title to justify the relationship. So you take it upon yourself to do the top 3 offenses: 

Offense #1: you ask him “what is this” or “what are we doing” and “where do you see us?” 

Offense #2: you express to him now that you don’t date to date and you date with purpose and you don’t want to feel like you’re wasting your time. 

Offense #3: you tell him you stopped dealing with other guys for and/or because of him. 

EJECTED! Being ejected is simple, it just means while playing in the dating game, you demonstrated serious offenses and must be sent to the locker room to think about what you did. Doesn’t mean that you won’t play in future games by continuing to date him, but you might not get as much playing time. Basically it might not be as good as it was because he may not be on the same page as you and now he knows you want a relationship.

As stated before, there are all types of different situations when it comes to dating. I do think a lot of women get ahead of themselves and cause their own hurt and pain. They get caught in their feelings and let feelings get the best of the situation. Learn to suppress your feelings with a thing called reality. The reality is you may not end up with that person. When first getting to know him, express how you feel about dating and if he’s not on board, no love lost. Changing a man is not going to happen so quit trying! If he treats you right without the title, stop stressing about it and stop pressing him about it. My question to you is, do you need it to justify your happiness? Women have to understand throughout all of this you have a choice: stay or go. The beautiful part about dating is you’re just dating. Therefore you have no obligation to this person, which means you can cut ties at any time.

I honestly feel that men appreciate and respond better to a woman who isn’t waiting on them and who doesn’t feel like she’s wasting her time. This is the woman that rarely presses the relationship talk, but she knows how to deliver it if she has to. This is the woman that doesn’t question his whereabouts, why he hasn’t called, and why they don’t spend a lot of time together. This is the woman that has her own thing going on...it’s called "her own life". I really believe that the woman who plays her position will have a better chance of coming out on top with that championship title and ring that every woman eventually wants...

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This Friday night, I will be a part of an amazing panel talking about dating, sex and relationships with Crystal and Ally from "7 Minutes with God" at Cafe Say in Chicago. If you're in the area, you might want to come on out for some real relationship talk. See you then!

Affirmation Works When You Work It!

Can I be honest with you? Of the five love languages out there, words of affirmation is the one that makes my engine RUN! If I'm bringing in the groceries, and the right one tells me how they love when I carry those bags in from the car...I'm loading up every bag I can, and even holding a couple of them with my teeth. When I'm cutting the grass, and the right one says to me how she appreciates me keeping the home looking good...I'll change my name to "The Sodfather" and make that yard look like the Garden of Eden. I'm saying all of this because when Father's Day came yesterday, men can feel like they are doing the best they can, but when the right one says to them how much they are appreciated for being there and showing a great example of a man...men feel like they're on top of the world. The key in this lesson so far is "THE RIGHT ONE", so remember that as I continue.

My weekend didn't start out so good, as I was in my house suffering from summer allergies when I got a call from Jonathan asking if I was home. "Uh, yeah" I said. "Well, can we come over?" he asked, and as I held back several sneezes during this conversation, I told him that it was ok. As soon as they came, Jonathan gives me a Superman gift bag (I love everything Superman related), hugs me (I love a un-solicted hug from my son) and says "Happy Father's Day Daddy!" I open the bag and I pull out a t-shirt that says SUPERDAD with the logo in the middle of the shirt. LaShaun says to me "it's because we believe you are a super Dad." AFFIRMATION!!! At this point, my allergy filled watery eyes had a few tears in it too, but I had to play it off like a G because I was starting to get a little emotional.

The next day I'm up checking Facebook like its the morning paper, looking at all of the words of affirmation women are giving their men for Father's Day when I came across one post to me from LaShaun (what???) and I couldn't take it anymore because LaShaun in no way considers herself a social media person. My affirmation levels were going through the roof again! I felt like I was a King on Father's Day because "THE RIGHT ONE" was giving me words of life, even though I've tried and failed on SEVERAL occasions and our relationship wasn't always the best. I remember the times we fought over parenting after the divorce, I remember the time I was arrested at her home over a brewing argument, I remember all too well just how much of a genuine bastard I was and they both suffered because of it. You see, I never want it said that my life is all squeaky clean...IT HASN'T BEEN! I'm first to admit my shortcomings, so when others feel they need to, it doesn't effect me. I live my life with the consequences of my poor choices, and the hurdles and hoops I jump over and through are high, but if you never learn the lessons from your mistakes...you're doomed to stay in the skin you're in. I made up my mind I wasn't going to stay there in my old self, and I'm living proof that after 13 years God can change anybody! God has given me words of affirmation and it has literally changed my life. So much so that when Jonathan and LaShaun feed my emotional man with affirmation, just like the groceries and the lawn, I want to go above and beyond for them because they appreciate me...just like any father would after Father's Day.

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This Friday night, I will be a part of an amazing panel talking about dating, sex and relationships with Crystal and Ally from "7 Minutes with God" at Cafe Say in Chicago. If you're in the area, you might want to come on out for some real relationship talk. See you then!

Questions To Ask Yourself About That "Crazy One"

She was the finest chic in the spot…a dime piece, if you will. Dressed to the nines, even wearing “red bottoms,” you just couldn’t stop looking, err uh…staring at her. Intimidating as she was, you stepped to her, ready to impress her by actually buying her a drink, and walking away (instead of hanging around like how some brothers do). So that’s exactly what you did, but in her thank you, you saw something that made you stay. About 30 minutes into your conversation, you decided that she was more than just a pretty face, and boldly asked for another chance to see her. She obliged.

You never get excited, but this one, well...she could be “the one”! So the 72 hours between your meeting and your next encounter had you trippin’! She shows up for the date, looking even better than you remembered. She looked so good that the other men in the restaurant gave you their player cards. You thought it was cute when she told the waitress to bring her another napkin…with attitude. You thought it was sexy when she called a manager over and told him what he could do with the poor service you received...which was only in her opinion. And, you even thought she was joking when she chastised you for not opening her doors...fast enough.

Well, truth be told, she wasn’t being cute, she wasn’t being sexy, and she wasn’t joking. She was telling you that she is crazy! She was showing you some signs that at some future time, she may unleash her true disposition on you and it won’t be pretty. More like, it'll be pretty painful! Now a little attitude is sexy, this is true, but repeated acts of nastiness (large or small) is not something that you should ignore. This is a real part of this individual’s personality, and it may get worse the more time she spends with you, and the more comfortable she becomes with, “being herself” around you. So despite becoming quite smitten with her, you have to begin to ask yourself a few questions, such as:

1. If this behavior escalated, would I be embarrassed or be forced to take action(s)?
2. If this behavior was directed at me, how would I feel and how would I respond?
3. If this behavior was the norm, would I want to spend the rest of my days (or any amount of time) dealing with it?

Get the idea? In my opinion, most men don’t see crazy coming. Crazy cleverly disguises itself in sexy clothes, undeniable curves, and a beautiful smile. However, while she may not actually be crazy, anytime you witness “crazy” behavior, realize that it could be significant. It could be a “red flag.” After you realize the importance of what has happened, process the incident and decide how big of a deal (if any) it is to you and what your next steps should be. Then either run like hell, or buckle up and enjoy the ride!  But whatever you do, don’t make me say, “She told you so.” 

*Yes, crazy can be applied to “him” also...

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The Five Things Being Scorned Does

Everybody goes through things in their life and there’s no telling how they’ll come out of it. The pain that comes from heartbreak or disappointment cannot be captured in words. We have power though, we have the power to find peace and heal ourselves. And when we don’t find that peace, we end up scorned. This is my blog today, what happens after hell has its fury and you’re still scorned...

1. You alienate friends with your constant negativity – No one likes to be around the person who is always theorizing with why relationships don’t last. Or telling people why they know that deep down all men are trash, or women for that matter. People who are scorned will bring up just about anything to get their point across and it always leads to negativity.
2. Your social media becomes depressing – Have you ever noticed that your scorned friends social media looks like death? They’re always ranting about how great they are but how humanity is not. It’s just silly. They never realize that while people are reading their Facebook or their Twitter, they’re also thinking to themselves; who hurt you?
3. You take it out on other people – The next person you date will have to deal with you constantly suspecting they might be just like the last. That will weigh heavy. Nobody wants to be subjected to snooping of any sort, they don’t want constant questioning, they don’t want to deal with it. They want you to handle your own issues before you get in the relationship.
4. You become an ugly person on the inside – Yes, while your outside may be beautiful it bleeds through that you’re not all together there anymore. Some of the most prettiest people do the ugliest things. And trust me, I’ve met several people who would think that the person they’re dating is gorgeous but they’re personality is stinky.
5. You lose hope and freedom – Along with all these others the person that you become is a cold shell of yourself. You become the type of person who is constantly hoping for someone to come along and rescue them but you really don’t think it’ll happen. You’ve given up. Hope and virtue are the things that lead to ambition and that’s what attracts us to one another in the first place.

All these things push people further away and they surely don’t attract others. Nobody wants to be around you anymore. When people hear you talk they walk the other way. Each one of us has the power to be great but we give away that power. Quickly, your story becomes the reason you can’t find happiness. With that, you’re in a downward spiral and while you tell yourself you’re okay when it’s obvious that you’re not. Ask yourself if this describes you, and why would anyone want to be with you? Being mad is ok, but being scorned isn't sexy, so find a way to come out of it...

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The Things I Never Get The Chance To Say

She comes to my house from work to pick up our son after dropping him off to me first thing in the morning. She’s exhausted and ready to collapse on the couch. But the dog is genuinely excited to see her, our son is sleepy and grumpy after waking from a nap after schoolwork, and dad is just excited for some adult conversation (even if it's brief, because she’s tired). I ask her what her day was like, and I tell her what my day was like, what our son has done at school, at home with me, what he’s eaten, and whether or not there is still homework to be done. What I don’t say enough is “Thank you for working hard” or “Can I fix you something to eat or rub your back or massage your feet”. One day she’ll take me up on my rubdown offer, but I’ll keep practicing in my mind until then. 

She heads out on weekends to pay bills, wash clothes, visit the doctor, go grocery shopping, and more. She wishes she didn’t have to pay so many bills, I wish she never had to see another damn doctor, and we both wish Wal-Mart wasn’t so crowded when she goes. What I never say with all of this wishing going on is “Thank you for taking care of the things I can’t” or “Let me do all of this for you, and you rest today”. We remember how tough life got for us individually, and how emotionally it left us both scarred sometimes collectively. What I never say is “You are the best mother our son could ever have and I could ever ask for” or “Thank you for being so strong when I was so weak”.

There are so many things, too many things I never get to say to LaShaun when she sees me after work. Kind things, loving things, things that make my heart swell to bursting with love for her, how she is my soul mate and my truest friend and defender. How her smile lights up a room even when I’m not in that room to experience it. I know this by the times she has lit my room up, and how her eyes leave me practically spellbound.

It’s not that I don’t love her as much as I say I do. In reality, I love her much more than that. We just get lost in the flow of everyday life and the extraordinary things get pushed off to the sides of our minds. Before our son, before demanding jobs, and life threatening illnesses, there was always time. We often remember the quirky, the silly, and sometimes stupid things we would do just to draw a smile to each others faces. It will forever be a romantic sight to see the both of us moving in sync freely without a care in the world whenever we hear Barry White’s “My First, My Last, My Everything”. I would explain it if I could, but for 20 years its been our thing.

We talk about our time to our son as a younger, newer couple, how we met, the love we shared, and the many countless acts of love. I tell her I love her, give her a kiss on the forehead, and we say our goodbye as she drives away just to do it all over again the next day. What I never say is “I am sorry that I’ve fallen short of showing you and telling you how much I love you” and “I am sorry life has robbed us of opportunities to genuinely love each other properly. One day it'll all make sense, and the lesson of time slipping away from those we genuinely love won't be so fleeting...

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Five Ways to Clean Yourself Up For Love

Love is in the air and everyone seems to be waiting around for Cupid to shoot his arrow their way, but there is a dilemma that exists from those believing love doesn’t seem to last very long. Everyone is longing for that feeling of wholeness, completion and security combined to make one solid emotion…love! The question is are people really ready for it? I found myself looking for love before it was time and my heart got bruised. That bruise (more like a bullet wound) not only affected me, but it affected those that I would come in contact with along my journey. I was displaying characteristics of what I thought was love, only to find out in the end they were only snippets of lust, which were not strong enough to make up the real ingredients of love. Had I known what I have been so blessed to experience now, I would've prepared my life more for real love!

Why preparation you ask? Anything you plan on welcoming into your world permanently will need the proper preparation, don't you think? Let’s say you were bringing a new baby home, you definitely have to prepare your mind and home for that. Say you had new furniture coming in, you would arrange your household according to the furniture with hopes that it will blend in with what you already have. That is sort of how love is. In order to have that Keith Sweat "Make It Last Forever" kind of love, you have to clean house within yourself. Initiate a self-discovery by ridding yourself of all the bondage caused by your snippets of lust and literally have a clean heart. This isn’t something that happens overnight. It very well may take months, or years depending on how much you've endured along your journey.

1. First, make a list of all the things you felt hindered your past relationships. This way you will have a visual of what you need to work on to make this new love better!
2. Learn to take ownership! Take ownership of what it was you did to hurt the relationship as well as you hurting your mate. Remember, the blame game only makes you weak. The first step to strengthening yourself is to admit your faults and actually do something about it.
3. Find peace within yourself! When you are at peace and have order in your life, it allows you to think with a clear mind and to make wise decisions for your future.
4. Build yourself up to your own standards and beyond. We always say, “Oh I want a man/woman that offers this”, or “I’m not settling for less than that”, but how can you demand more from someone else than what you are willing to demand from yourself?
5. Lastly, but most importantly is learn how to love someone the way they want to be loved. People show love the way they would like to be loved, and one great way of finding out is to pay attention to your mate. While dating, ask questions and actually listen to the responses. Don’t just take what you want from the response, but actually listen to what they have to say. Take note of their body language when they talk about certain subjects. That gives you an idea of what makes them uncomfortable and what their comfort zone is.

Put time into yourself but don’t lose yourself in time. There is nothing wrong with having a past relationship, but live a little in your present and learn something about yourself so it makes it easier to know what you will and will not accept in a person. Now don’t get to the point of being so into yourself and your self-discovery, that you don’t allow other people to enter or appreciate what you have accomplished. Remember, while completing this self-discovery, try not to look at it as time wasted, look at it instead as time consumed...start cleaning!

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How To Lose A Guy, Forever

Earlier in the week I stopped the presses to give the men information on How to Lose a Woman Forever. Today the tables are turned, and it's equal opportunity relationship advice for the women on "How to Lose a Guy Forever" from The Good Man Project. Read along, and if the shoe fits Cinderella...admit where you are in this and learn the lessons.  

#1 – Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is. Forget what psychologist Malini Shah says, “Emotional intimacy is a feeling of close personal association and belonging. It’s a familiar connect formed through shared knowledge of each other and experience.” That would mean taking the time to find a man with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting him for who he is, but celebrating who he is.

#2 – Don’t respect him. Even if he deserves your respect, do not, under any circumstances show him the kind of respect you want and need. Don’t value him. Don’t listen. Don’t consider his priorities or concerns. Make sure he feels your life would be much better if he weren’t in it. On the other hand, if he truly doesn’t deserve your respect, leave him. Leave him now. And if he doesn’t respect you then he doesn’t deserve yours. Again, leave.

#3 – Don’t like him. Sure, you love him, but do you like him? Never forget he’s probably closer to you than anyone else in his life so it’s your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get out of line. If you want to make sure he’s unhappy and dwindling away inside, show him you don’t like him.

#4 – Complain about him. Believe it or not (and lots of men will get mad at me for revealing this to you) most of us look to the women in our lives, or the woman closest to us, to determine how we feel about ourselves. Make sure he knows you are keeping score against him by openly expecting him to screw up. Tell all your friends what a loser he is and never, ever genuinely praise him.

#5 – Judge him. If you want him to stop being open and honest, or if you just want him to start hiding things from you, make sure you judge him negatively every chance you get. If you can’t find anything negative that is even remotely valid, just make something up. Do anything to keep him on the defensive. Remember, every day brings new opportunities to find new faults in him.

10 more points are made on this subject, and you can click on the link here to read them all.

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How To Lose A Woman, Forever

As a writer, I sometimes come across an idea or a thought or something that I read somewhere and I have what I call a "Stop The Presses" kind of moment. I was a communication major in college, and I grew up in the daily newspaper era (a time well before the invention of the tablet) when you needed the help of the newspaper to get your dose of world information. When breaking news would happen, the editor of the paper would gather the information from the writers and yell out STOP THE PRESSES at the top of his voice, so they could add the latest information to the paper and get it out to the people. After someone today pointed me to a must read this morning, and after gathering all of the late breaking information, I had to go old school and "stop the presses", so I could get this must read to all of you today from Travis McGee's "How To Lose A Woman, Forever" the website The Good Men Project.

McGee’s advice on women is often harsh—to both men and women. His cynicism will cut you and leave you stinging. He’s not the kind of man to gently nudge you awake. He’s more of a slap in the face guy. Having read all 21 books multiple times, I’ve summarized Travis McGee’s view on women. In the McGee tradition of constant sarcasm and criticism, this compilation is a list of rules to break if you would like to lose a woman forever.

1. Don’t protect her. She’s a big girl. There’s no reason to help her feel safe in the way she needs to feel safe. There are no guarantees in life so it’s not rational to expect security in relationships. (And nothing is more rational than love.) Her emotional security is paramount to her. This means she wants to rely on you to always be there for her and can count on you to be her best friend. Allow her to feel alone and abandoned, and you will experience both.

2. Don’t respect her. Simple. Treat her like crap. If she doesn’t take it, she’ll leave and you’ll be miserable. If she does, she’ll stay and you’ll both be miserable. Treating her like the extraordinary woman she is will only increase her expectations, attitude, and hope, and courage, and affection, and love …

3. Don’t listen to her. Every time she talks either tune her out or try to solve her problems. Do not, under any circumstances come to the realization that her feel­ings are the prob­lem she needs to com­mu­ni­cate to you. She doesn’t want you to DO anything. (After all, if she wanted your help she would ask for it. Seriously, she will.) And if you wanted her to feel closer to you than anyone else in the world you would not lis­ten to her prob­lems, but to her feel­ings. That takes paying sharp attention to her and learning how to really listen beyond her words. You would have to look at her as a person of near limitless emotional capacity. And all of that would only show her how much you truly value her. Who has that kind of time?

4. Look at her like an object. All your life you’ve been sizing women up, judging them, taking in their physical being the same way you do with cars, boats or maybe fishing gear. Women are their words, their silence, their movement, the expressions, their work, their art, their friends, their children, their emotions, their thoughts, their hearts and their minds. They are more complex than anything else in the world. If you’re lucky, you might be smart enough to take on the challenge of understanding one someday.

5. Take her for granted. Let her know she’s nothing special. Devalue everything she does, especially the things she does for you. If you want to make her miserable, sad, hopeless, or just lose her self-esteem make sure she knows she really doesn’t mean that much to you. You can’t be bothered with the fact that she’ll be looking for some kind of positive affirmation from you every day. And giving it to her is not something you can do once a month or week, on holidays or special occasions. She knows you appreciate her when you work at it all the time, especially those times when you don’t have to.

There are 17 more jaw dropping points that are made, and you can read them all by clicking on the link here. Next time I will post the points on "How To Lose A Man, Forever". 

 
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