Forgive, Forget and Reconnect

Have you ever met someone that you connected with right away? Have you ever felt that initial impression bringing a smile to your face? Have you felt the surety that what is happening in that time is pure and genuine? That first inkling of promise, the shining hope that this new thing remains as good and as wonderful as it began. I just got to experience that with my ex recently, and I can’t wait to see what happens next. I have the luxury of at least communicating with her which helps bridge the gap, and in some ways, keeps things from getting complicated so fast. I’m not saying to over-think and find a list of everything that could go wrong, but I would say watch for the signs. Watch for any red flags and pay attention to what’s being said and unsaid. More times than not, their actions could show way more truthfully what’s really going on in someone’s mind. It’s best to go into every new experience with your eyes wide open, your heart leading the way, and with your brain as your navigation system.

First of all, let me say seeing her again did NOT turn out like a plot in a romantic comedy, nor did I expect it to. It was as awkward and uncomfortable as I imagined it would be. To be honest, it was even more so than I imagined, and I have a very good imagination. Back to the story. It had been five years since we had been in the same room together, much less face to face. There were a lot of mixed emotions. First off, there was a feeling of expectation. Of what? That is still undetermined. There were also feelings of (1) curiosity, (2) what if, (3) awkwardness, and (4) surety. 

My curiosity stemmed from wondering what motive could have influenced my ex to reach out to me.
My what if was what most what ifs are: “What if we didn’t break up when we did?” “What if we never spoke or saw each other again?” and the like.  
My awkwardness was for obvious reasons. I had thought of our seeing each other again, but you never quite get the amount of awkwardness you’ll feel quite right. Let me tell you, it was ridiculously awkward.
And lastly, there was my surety, and that surety was that we were absolutely meant at that time to go our separate ways.
We were never meant in our condition to experience a “happy ever after” with each other. And now, I could really know it and internalize it on a complete level. I don’t wish any ill will towards my ex. I wholeheartedly wish her every happiness. Would I have still decided to meet with her knowing the awkwardness that would ensue? Yes I would, because we had time to get through the destructive feelings that too little time would have put on blast. We had an open and honest conversation about what ultimately lead us to break up and finally buried it. We banished what ifs, satisfied curiosities, and conquered our past misunderstandings. Will we be friends now? I can say yes for sure, and only time will tell where it will lead. Is that door to a better relationship open with a nicer and cleaner welcome mat laying at the door? I think so, but again only time will tell what happens. I can say this one thing for sure, in spite of all the awkwardness, the both of us gained complete peace.

They say true forgiveness is that we forgive whatever offense was done to us and forget it. My question is, what are we supposed to forget to get us to the point of real forgiveness? To forget the offense is to pretend it never happened as if no wrong was committed. I personally believe this an ineffectual way to deal with such a thing. Whether we like it or not, this bad thing happened and it needs to be faced. Revenge does not need to be the way forgiveness happens, but selective amnesia is also not the way to go.

I believe that to forgive includes the following:  
(1) acknowledge the break in trust 
(2) address the break 
(3) decide on the lessons to be taken from the experience 
(4) move forward with an open heart.
Choose to put that time in the past with the hope that the relationship is improved, or that at least some understanding has been reached so that you do not stay in that negative attitude. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean that whoever hurt you has to stay active in your life, it just means that the negativity caused by the hurt they created won’t. You refuse to let it control you because you know that it won’t benefit you. Forgiveness is no easy feat, especially when you remember what you’re trying to forgive. True forgiveness is not without immense effort, compassion and understanding. It is appreciation for the complexity of the human condition. When my ex and I separated six years ago and ultimately divorced, our human condition at the time was very complex. We both had to learn, and grow, and to eventually forgive. And because of this, the mat in front of the door to a better relationship is more welcoming...

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How and Why We Handle Jealousy Differently

Anyone who’s ever been in a romantic relationship has met “the green monster” known as jealousy. That jealousy is a real piece of, well, nevermind... It makes you nauseated, makes you cry and turns you into an awful, irrational, angry person. It creeps up on you everywhere; in the presence of your opposite-sex friends, and when you’re innocently browsing your news feed on Facebook and Twitter. It’s normal to experience jealousy, and it’s even more normal to experience it in a variety of different ways.

In fact, researchers at Chapman University and UCLA recently conducted a study attempting to confirm the long-standing idea that men experience more sexual jealousy (regardless of whether or not an emotional connection took place) and women experience more emotional jealousy (regardless of whether or not sex was involved). They were successful in their study.

Studies that previously attempted to explore this idea had only been conducted among small, exclusively heterosexual communities. Researchers on the other hand, compiled data from almost 64,000 heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual men and women, aged 18-65. They asked participants if they’d be more upset if their partners slept with someone but didn’t fall in love with him/her, or if their partners fell in love with someone but didn’t sleep with him/her.

The results showed straight men comprised the only group of people whose majority (54 percent) said it’d be more upset over the idea of their partners having sex without love. Only 35 percent of heterosexual women, 32 percent of gay men, 34 percent of lesbian women, 30 percent of bisexual men and 27 percent of bisexual women felt the same. For an explanation of heterosexual couples, researchers looked to evolution. Before DNA testing, a man could never be sure if a child he was helping a woman raise was his own child.

Of course, raising a child is a lot of responsibility and a huge commitment, so — evolutionarily speaking — if the child wasn’t his, it wasn’t exactly worth it to stick around and help the woman. So it makes sense a man would be more upset by a woman who may have had sex with another dude: He could have been putting his precious energies toward raising a kid who was actually not his. Not worth it if you’re thinking only evolutionarily.

Again, evolutionarily speaking, women fear the man helping them raise their children will abandon them, leaving them to raise their children alone. If a man isn’t emotionally attached to a woman, he’s far more likely to leave, and an emotional attachment to someone else would make him even more likely to leave. While certainly convincing, it’s not enough to just look at evolution to explain these differences. So researchers also examined the role modern-day definitions of masculinity and femininity play in these different experiences of jealousy.

Today, a crucial aspect of being a man is having lots of sexual prowess. Therefore, if a man’s partner has sex with someone else, he’d question his ability to satisfy his woman in the bedroom. In this way, the very core of his masculinity would be challenged, which is certainly jarring. It makes sense a man would be more upset over a sexual threat than an emotional one. On the other hand, a crucial aspect of being a woman is being nurturing and emotional. If a woman’s partner falls in love with someone else, she’d question her core feminine ability to bond: to feel emotions and have them be felt for her in return. For a woman, an emotional threat is far more damaging than a sexual one.

These results don’t mean men are never jealous of emotional attachments or women are never jealous of sexual relations. Of course, men still experience emotional jealousy and women still experience sexual jealousy. In fact, the study poses a variety of different theories demonstrating why the opposite is true.

One reason points to gender norms. In addition to being taught to be nurturing and emotional, women are taught to be sexually desirable. If a woman’s partner has sex with someone else, she’d feel like she failed to be desirable enough for her man, severely lowering her self-esteem and body image.

The explanations behind the results of homosexual and bisexual couples were a bit uncertain. The study points to sexual infidelity as more normal among the gay community, so they’ve been taught to suppress or ignore those feelings of sexual jealousy, leading to a focus on emotional jealousy.

The biggest take-away from this research is jealousy sucks. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend liked a picture of a pretty girl on Instagram or if your girlfriend is still best friends with her ex. In all of its forms, jealousy is a cruel force ripping people in half and tearing apart relationships. You can take comfort knowing a bit of jealousy is actually healthy for your relationship. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher tells CNN in an interview that jealousy can “wake you up”. It reminds you that your partner is good-looking and desirable, motivating you to be nicer and friendlier in your relationship.

So, it looks like if you want to relight the flame, instead of upping your game in the bedroom or doing something nice for each other, you can try purposely making your partner a little jealous. It certainly seems scientifically recommended. Morally though, you probably shouldn’t do it...

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Everyone always has an idea about whether or not they can be friends with an ex. The truth is, it’s all about what you want and are truly capable of doing. Some people do need to cut out any and all intimate partners they’ve ever had, while others are capable of creating amazing friendships with their exes. I believe through the years that I have developed some amazing relationships AFTER the relationships with a few of my exes, and one ex in particular that I am glad to have reconciled with. Here are a few ways to decide if you can or can’t be friends with your ex:

1. Make Your Own Rules - I hate when people tell me what I can and can’t handle. We are all completely unique and different, so what may be weird and uncomfortable to others could be totally fine to you. It may be true for some that they can’t have any contact with an ex because it will hurt them to do so, it could even seriously delay the healing process. Others feel they don’t want to throw away a person they connect just because it didn’t work out romantically. The truth is, you get to decide for yourself what works for your own well being.

2. Every Situation Is Different - Just like every person is different, so is every situation. You might be able to be friends with one of your exes, while another ex feels wrong or toxic to have in your life. I find that the rockier the relationship, the harder it is to remain friends afterward. If the relationship ended pretty amicably but you just didn’t work out romantically, it’s usually an easier adjustment into friendship.

3. Be Honest - This might be the trickiest one. We often tell ourselves that we are fine with something when we aren’t even remotely close. Try your hardest to be honest with yourself when evaluating whether or not you can truly be friends with your ex. If it’s just too painful, you should let the person go for now. Sometimes, he or she will re-enter your life when you are ready and capable of a real friendship with him or her. It’s also super important to be honest with your ex. If you tell him or her you’re over the relationship and you’re not, it could lead to a lot of pain down the road.

4. Give a Grace Period - It would be really hard to go from being in an intimate relationship with someone to being “just friends”. There needs to be a transition time when you both can shift your mindsets from partner to friend. That doesn’t mean you can’t see your ex at all during that period, but at least know he or she won’t be a true “friend” until you’ve truly accepted the fact that you two no longer have a future.

5. Allow Time To Mourn - Whether or not you decide to be friends with your ex, it’s really important that you give yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship. Losing a partner or spouse often feels like a death, and it’s important to respect the grieving process and allow yourself to feel the loss. So, even if the two of you are still talking, remember that you still need to give yourself the space to cry and get over it.

6. Be Sensitive - Just because the two of you are no longer an item doesn’t mean you should immediately act like all those romantic feelings have vanished. Respect that you are both still mourning and don’t try to hurt the other by pretending you’re immediately over him or her or by making them jealous. Let your ex know you still care by not rubbing it in his or her face that you are moving on. 

Like I said at the beginning of the blog, I recently was able to become friends again with a very significant person after some time has passed, and I think following these steps can help you rebuild the bridge that was either burned down or blown up during the breakup. Be ready to put in the work...

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The 35 Year Old Lesson

I recently began my spring cleaning for the year, and as I always do, I took a little time to reflect on my own relationship history and the psychological consistencies that I found from those relationships. First, being a problem-solver myself, I’ve often heard the usual accusations of “you want to save someone” or “you want to be a hero”. There was a time when these were true and misleading at the same time. I do want to help people, and for decades I had a terrible habit of falling for women who were in that usual rebound sphere of, “why did he leave me, why wasn’t I good enough, why can’t I just wish a nice guy would find me and treat me right”. I could never understand why these guys treat them so poorly, when these women were so incredible, and why when they’d been down that road time and time again, did they go once more for the guy who obviously was so like the ones who came before? This was when I’d swoop in, be my usual sweet and charming self, be romantic and encouraging, while letting them repair and find their wings again, only to see them fly off…

I would again be transported to the world of “why”. All these women who told me time and time again that I was so great, the women I’d been with who told me how fantastic it was to be with a guy like me, and then go on to a guy so not like me that we shouldn’t even be in the same area code. All the female friends who constantly said they wished they could have someone care for them like I did for these women, and yet they kept going back and back and back some more, to their usual types. I became hostile for a long time. I decided that if I wanted to be happy, I’d just have to look for the smarter sort, and avoid the ones who constantly found their way to the bad guys, and you know what? That didn’t work either.

I became so centered on the prospect of finding a woman without a history of major trauma, that I over-analyzed and looked for all the bad things in the past, looked for residues from back then, and the prices I’d have to pay for someone else’s blundering. I became hostile to most of the male species because they were making life tough on the few good guys who were left, and because we were being painted with the same brush as everyone else. Yet all around me, my friends were managing to get married, settle down, start families, and I couldn’t figure out why I was still single and just floating around. Then it finally hit me…

I spent a lot of time by myself, and a lot of that time was spent thinking and reflecting on past relationships, those had and those attempted. It finally dawned on me that I have spent 35 years of my life constantly either being in or trying for relationships. THIRTY-FIVE YEARS, that’s almost three quarters my life. And the majority of that time, especially the time spent being single? I thought it was all about the problem(s) with them. They wanted to date guys who were making the rest of us look bad. I never stopped to think that maybe the problem was with me. And so, with the year of spring cleaning, I started a new path to viewing the situation. Lessons learned from the past.

1. You can be a partner or a repairman, but you cannot be both. - When I met all those women with all those problems, they were looking for someone to make them feel better, to be there for them when they needed, but come on, when you have to call the guy to come and fix your internet, you don’t keep him around after the job’s done! You get back on the web and go about your business. Same score on them. You fixed the problem they had, but the problem they had was preventing them from being able to move on. Maybe she’ll call if the problem comes up again, but in the meantime

2. It’s not them, it’s you. - Most of us have heard the old stand-by, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Well, get ready for the big one. It’s not them, it’s you. If you’ve been treated a consistent way by the women you’ve dated, especially if they’re from different places, of different ages and backgrounds, different personalities, you’re going to have to come to accept that the problem might not be them. Now, this isn’t to say you’re a bad person, or that you need to change who you are. You need to change how you are. And that leads to the final point.

3. It’s not about them, it’s about you. - Your dating life cannot be focused on the other party. Take it from one who knows, I’ve been there too many times to count. When you make the whole relationship about them, whether it’s about helping them get over that guy from their past, or getting them through a rough time in their lives, or trying to be the guy of their dreams; the whole relationship is going to be centered on that, and it may skew their view of relationships in the future (if it’s not already there). Your romantic existence cannot be based on focusing on those other people. Focus on what will satisfy you.

These are my reflections on the past and lessons for any guy going forward. I just hope it won’t take you thirty five years to figure it out...

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Making The Wrong One Pay

Sometimes I think I make the wrong people pay for what hasn’t worked in past relationships, as if I’m living some sort of relationship hangover. In other words, the current love interest pays for the misdeeds of the former, just as the former paid for the failings of the one before. You know what I mean, don’t you? The one who has never lied to you says something that ignites memories of the last one who did. The one you decided to go out with bails out on a scheduled evening, and that elicits a decision never to see them again because of the memory of the one who constantly flaked, then dumped you altogether. Your response? An overreaction, inappropriate words or behaviors, which later you regret. Some refer to this as breakup baggage, but that’s too simplistic. I think it’s more accurate to say these are emotional responses that are misplaced, but triggered by incidents we simply don’t forget.

When Things Go Wrong - I’m certain I have inadvertently made women pay for the fallout from my own marriages and relationships. I imagine I’ve been on the receiving end of equal parts “payment” for what has gone wrong in their relationships. But I’m trying not to beat myself up over these lapses – not my own, not anyone else’s. Don’t we always absorb lessons from what we experience, and try not to repeat our mistakes? Don’t we also pay for the mistakes of others, including parents, siblings, spouses, or bosses? Isn’t a relationship hangover to be expected in any of these cases, and not necessarily the result of endings? Nothing to do with relationships is cut and dry, of course. For example, if we’ve been burned by infidelity, we will (hopefully) be more attuned to the signs. Unfortunately, our epiphanies don’t appear in an orderly sequence with immediate improvements to our judgment. And it is only with the long view that we see where we went off track. Consequently, we can identify the path we don’t want to take again.

What We Learn From Past Mistakes - We all learn from our mistakes if we’re lucky, though it may take some of us years for the lessons to crystallize into a revised approach that is more comfortable. The beauty of experiencing several relationships before making a significant commitment is, among other things, what we learn about ourselves. We learn what we like and what we’re good at. This may include our physical “type” in the ways in which we are good at loving another person, and how we like to spend our time with that person in a relationship. We may also come to an understanding of how much we are willing to sacrifice (and compromise), how much time we like to spend together (and apart), and how important the approval of others is to us – integrating our special someone into family gatherings, work events, with children, with friends. As in any relationship, we deal with false steps – trusting too quickly (or too slowly), revealing too much (or not enough), expecting too much (or too little), and finding some differences unmanageable while others are met with greater flexibility than we thought. If and when the relationship ends, we make note and hopefully we work to understand where we need to be a “better self” and also, make better choices.

We All Pay For The One Who Came Before - One friend was affectionate, funny and deeply caring. When we met, I hadn’t felt much when my marriage was ending, and she hadn’t been in a serious relationship in a long time. We clicked immediately, our romance progressed in storybook fashion, and we adored each other. There were problems, but one that began to grate on me over time was this: She had difficulty saying “I love you,” though in her own way, she let me know how she felt, but I ached a little when I said “I love you” and she beamed but couldn’t speak the words back to me. So was I paying for one of her failed relationships that came before? Was there something in her childhood that was the cause, that she couldn’t put her finger on? I asked, but she had no answer. In the relationship that followed, I was hungrier than I realized for a woman who could articulate her feelings clearly and without hesitation. Out the window went my usual good judgment about taking my time, and in part because she said the words, I fell hard and fast. We burned brightly for awhile until her passion turned (as quickly) to someone else. I was deeply hurt. After that? For three years, my heart was locked up tight.

Where We Are, Who We Are - When I consider the woman I want to be with now, her capacity to trust, her willingness to compromise, the amount of time we spend together (often in discussion) I recognize that she is a “choice” that nourishes me in ways that I have not been nourished before (the upside to those relationship lessons). Her desire to share so much of herself and her life with me, to talk and laugh, it’s heaven in my book. Most of my relationships had no such desire. It's the clarity with which I drew boundaries in my relationship. In my marriages, I gave too much and I gave up too much. I said nothing until it was too late. In any new relationship, I speak my need for boundaries and I stand up for what I love. This includes necessary time alone and significant time to write.

Clearly in some respects, the next woman in my life will pay for my exes shortcomings. To be more precise, the shortcomings of the dynamic between my ex and myself. After all, it takes two to make a relationship falter, and two to make it work. Then again, in me she has found areas of compatibility that did not exist, and she insists in ways that are important to her. Perhaps a better way to view relationship experience is this: Though we may exact a price for what we learn, however imperfectly, we also benefit from it as well...

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Not Good Enough

What do you do when you are in a relationship and feel like you aren’t good enough for the person you're with? Some might say that’s a contradiction because if you truly weren’t good enough for him or her, then you wouldn’t be with that person. But if you genuinely felt for whatever reason, that you aren’t good enough for the one you are with, then that raises some other questions that need to be immediately addressed. The interesting thing is that I have noticed is that the ones who proclaim that they aren’t good enough in a relationship are the same ones that have a deep yearning to be in a relationship when they were single. So what causes someone to vacillate between these two polar opposites? It all begins with you. Feeling that you aren’t good enough starts with how you feel about yourself and why you believe you aren’t good enough. We all have that inner self-critic that is constantly over-analyzing and telling us we’re too fat, or too skinny, or too shy, or too talkative. Over time, the more we listen to that inner self-critic; it can eat away at our confidence and self-esteem, leaving us to frequently question our personal value. And when your personal value is mired in doubt, at some point those negative feelings are going to manifest itself in other aspects of your life, primarily in your romantic relationships.  

So why don’t some people feel as though they aren’t good enough? Perhaps he feels as though his partner is such a good person that he cannot fathom why she would choose him since he doesn’t share many of those same qualities. Maybe she feels like feels like you’re out of her league and she wants to make sure that you don’t see yourself as ‘above’ her. Whatever the reasons are, someone that feels that they aren’t good enough are usually worried that they will lose you once you find someone more ‘suitable’. There is a constant fear that he or she will be replaced because there is no way that you can love and appreciate them as they are. They may even do things to sabotage the relationship in an attempt that you will end it just so that they won’t have to deal with the agonizing fear that one day you are going to leave them. Another reason could be that your partner wants to break up with you and feels that the ‘not good enough’ argument is an easy way to do so without hurting you.

Sometimes the interactions we have with our significant other can influence how we might feel about ourselves. If your partner doesn’t ever seem to be satisfied with your contribution to the relationship, it can have a mental ripple effect, leaving you to speculate and wonder if you are good enough for him or her. If you are in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, one of their key characteristics is that nothing is ever good enough for them and they will pass blame and fault for any issues onto their partner. If you are constantly being blamed as the source of your partner’s unhappiness, even though you try as hard as you can to satisfy them, it can leave you feeling very self-conscious and uncertain about your value to the relationship. Not only are you receiving constant criticism from your partner, but now you start to internalize it and their voice is replaced with your own. Instead of your partner blaming you, you blame yourself and accept all the guilt and responsibility for the perceived problems in the relationship, leaving you to feel as though you aren’t good enough.

We all go through periods where we struggle with our self-worth, but if you are constantly devaluing yourself and stating that you aren’t good enough, you may need to really take a look at what is at the root cause of those feelings. If you don’t feel as though you are good enough, how will someone else see that you are? Learn to appreciate and have confidence in yourself otherwise someone else will help determine your worth...

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The Death of A Relationship: Men And Their Pride

Pride can be a good thing or a bad thing, especially for us men. On the good side, pride can be that deep sense of satisfaction we have when we have achieved something that we value. On the bad side pride is considered one of the seven deadly sins. For the purpose of today I wanted to focus more on the ugly side – when our pride is wrapped up in conceit, self-importance and ego.

If you are a man, then you certainly have been confronted by your own pride at some time in your life. Perhaps it is still prevalent? Perhaps you ignore it? Perhaps you’ve overcome it? Regardless, as men we must be on our guard. Remember, pride has a label as a deadly sin. It can kill us. Pride precedes a fall, and a fall is always scary because when you land...it hurts!

Why is it as men, we will seek out a golf pro to help us with our golf game but not seek help where it really matters at work and at home? Remember that fall? Yet, how often do we admit our failures to anyone or even ourselves? Pride once again gets in our way. On a few occasions in my marriage, I have faced some tough times financially. On the earlier occasions I refused that we accept any offers of help. Eventually, I learned to give in, albeit grudgingly whilst harbouring some resentment. I felt it was an attack on my masculinity and ability to provide for my family. My ego and pride were going nuts!! Where such pride prevails, your thinking is not rational.

We’ve all felt some type of pride. It arises after someone has hurt us, or mistreated us. It comes after we’ve achieved something epic, or done something against the odds. Pride can make us feel great, it can protect us from harm (or so we think), but in spite of what it can feel like, it can have a damaging impact on one’s relationship. Most people are blind to their own pride, therefore, it is quite difficult to get them to understand how it is damaging to a relationship.

While pride can manifest itself in many ways, I am focusing on one type of pride: the kind that holds you back from connecting, or re-connecting with the loved one in your life after a conflict or issue. Sometimes people hurt us, and as much as we may not want to admit it, our pride can be used as a tool to hurt them back in a passive way. We feel the hurt and think to ourselves: “I’m better than you.” And we cut off ties and put up walls. Or possibly we’ve recognized that we wronged/hurt someone in some way, but we are too proud to apologize for it fearing that it will somehow make us look weak, vulnerable or that the person could shame us.

In a conflict, it’s extremely easy to let our pride comfort us and say that none of it was our fault. And it can be quite difficult (whether or not we have any part to blame) to swallow our pride and be the first person to apologize or discuss the issue. But unless one part steps forward and realizes that their pride is not worth letting the relationship fall apart, then the relationship risks further problems. Do you repeatedly fight with your significant other just because of pride and ego problems? Or do you blame each other during an argument?

Pride and ego problems can become overwhelming relationship issues. Before you add strain to your relationship, here are some reliable tips to avoid the problem of pride in any relationship.

1. Listen - Listening is the humblest way to overcome the problem of pride in a relationship. Understand what your partner says and listen carefully, before you reply to their words.

2. Speak - If you do not communicate what you are feeling, how will they know what you are feeling? Your significant other can’t read your mind. So, to avoid misinterpretations and arguments between you, try to communicate everything that you think and feel.

3. Do not Judge - Do not ever judge your partner when you disagree or argue. They could be wrong and so could you. Solve all problems amicably and do not judge one another.

4. Do not try to Change it - Do not ever try to change the behavior and habits of your partner, if you yourself do not want to change.

5. Be Humble - Be humble and forgiving. Always be honest with yourself and your loved one.

For the sake of our marriages, our relationships, and our friendships we need to examine ourselves, and ask for forgiveness. Take the humble path, and ask your significant other for forgiveness in areas where you may be weak. My pride over the years has brought unnecessary suffering to my wife, my family and myself. Please note pride is both a sin and an enemy of your self-leadership and mine. Pride hinders progress. Pride made my life tougher than it needed to be, and left unattended, pride will do the same to yours. Please don’t make the same mistakes I have...

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Moving On, If You Can't Say "I Love You" in 6 Months

I have a simple theory about the world. The reason why more people aren’t ending up in wildly enthusiastic relationships is simply due to one thing: they’re not getting out of bad relationships soon enough. They stay in something “ok” for months and even years on end, preferring the safety of mediocrity to the angst of loneliness. In the end, they fail to make space in their lives for the right person because there’s no room.

In the creative arts, there is a saying: “Good is the enemy of great.” And I’d say the same applies to relationships. A “great” one won’t come your way unless you’re willing to pass on the ones that are merely “good.” So this is a simple plea: demand strong feelings from your relationship. Demand awe and inspiration at least with some regularity. Do not settle. If you’re not saying aloud (or at least to yourself) “I love you” to your mate by the 6 month point in your relationship, hit the “next” button. Have the courage to believe that something better is out there. Hell, I think you might even be able to know sooner than that, but I’m trying to be reasonable here.

And I know some people take issue with this, saying they were dating three years (or more) before they truly fell in love, and now they’ve been together 40 years now, blah, blah, blah. I don’t deny that can happen, but what happens more often is people who are in limbo for years simply get married because they feel they can’t “waste” the 5 years they’ve been together by splitting up now. They instead go on to waste ten more miserable years together being in an incompatible relationship they don’t have the courage to get out of. When true love strikes, it doesn’t take long to recognize it. When everything clicks, there is very little doubt in your mind. Its laser-accurate clarity will envelope you, calm you, and inspire you.

Now, this theory of high standards has to apply to yourself as well; don’t settle for a mediocre version of yourself if you want to attract an amazing mate. Be someone who chases their dreams only if you want that characteristic in your mate. Be someone who brings as much to the table as you expect from them. If you want someone who lives passionately, has an interesting, fulfilling career, has tons of hobbies, fills the room with their personality and inspires other through their actions, then you need to be that kind of person, too.

This is where many of us fall short. We settle for mediocrity in ourselves and yet expect to end up with the ideal man or woman of our dreams. This is the classic “double-standard”. If the double standard doesn’t apply to you, it’s possible you have too much patience. No one wants to be too judgmental. Part of being an adult is being tolerant and accepting of others flaws. But many of us just stay in something “good” for too long, hoping it will eventually blossom into something mind-blowing. But it doesn’t. It just says “good”.

From what I’ve seen in couples who’ve found “the one”, it usually doesn’t take years to realize it. It’s somewhat early, usually in the first year, and sometimes in the first few weeks. If you’re the right kind of person, who’s done the necessary work on themselves, then you’ll know very quickly. Assuming they’re also worthy of you.

And if you’re not saying “I love you” it’s not a tragic ending, it just means you could probably do better. And you should do better. This is why you owe it to both of you to move on, and give each other room to find a better match. The problem we’ve gotten into as a culture is that we feel like we don’t have the right to break up with someone if they haven’t done anything morally incomprehensible.

But you don’t have to wait until someone cheats on you to break up with them. You can simply leave if your heart isn’t fully engaged. If you’re married and raising kids together, then yes you need to stick with it and give it every shot you can unless you’ve suffered too much to stomach any more. You can exit if you simply feel, “Hey, I like you. We’re having a nice time, but I want more. I deserve to feel more. And so do you.” And this my relationship reader friends, is the guilt-relieving part of my argument; you’re helping them find someone better too, because chances are there’s someone else out there who’s a better match for them than you are. You both just need to keep exploring.

I believe the American divorce rate isn’t due to people who were passionately in love but just drifted apart, although that happens too. I believe it’s more due to people who just never should have been married in the first place, and then finally admitted at age 49 what they probably should have admitted at age 24 when they’d only been dating 3 yrs.

If love is what you want, give your venture enough time to have a chance to flourish, but just as a venture capitalist doesn’t make unconditional investments forever, pull your money at some point if you’re not seeing enough of a return on your contributions. There are plenty of other things out there to invest your time in. You just have to let go of the current one to see them.

You won’t know, until you say no to “good” in order to make room for “great”.

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Moving On, With or Without Closure

Is it necessary to get the closure you want from a broken relationship? Whether it’s a horrible breakup with your long-term significant other, or simply cutting ties with anyone else in your life, you may feel the urge to seek some solace in one final talk. You’ll likely want to address the situation with this person, possibly to find a resolution, or to beat a dead horse (whichever comes first). I get it; I know the feeling all too well.

Closure brings comfort. It makes you feel as though justice got served, however the reality is closure makes us feel like your final decision to cut ties was indeed, the right thing to do. Closure is confirmation, so when you gain that closure, you feel confident you're moving in the right direction and allowing yourself to move forward on a new path. But, there is a tough pill to swallow here: Closure might not ever come, and you shouldn’t be someone who expects it.

Once you end the relationship, your ex has no obligation whatsoever to supply the final words you so desire. If that one last talk never comes, you shouldn’t try to force it, as doing so will likely make things worse. You might end up in an uglier situation than before the attempt. Trying to force closure in a previous relationship made me seem like a crazy, desperate stalker. You definitely don’t want that unless you’re prepared to burn the bridge, or the entire village, depending on how aggressive you are at beating the dead horse. Keep your dignity and refrain from forcing.

At one point in my life, I had to wait years just to gain the closure I craved from a long-term relationship. Was I expecting the closure I received at that time? Heck, no. It came as a total surprise, but it was still nice to receive even after all those years. All I’m trying to say is closure might take a while, and the timing might not be on your own terms. It’s best for you not to hold on to the thought of getting closure when you’d like to have it because you’ll likely have to wait a long while to get it.

It’s important to keep in mind you cannot control whether or not the other person wants closure, but you can control how you handle whatever closure you get. If it’s not exactly what you want, take solace in the fact that you’re moving on, and eventually, you will be over it. Maybe you have some words you desperately need to get off your chest. Getting rid of some things (old gifts, photos, files, etc.) and deleting a few contacts in your phone or social media could also help you to move forward. Whatever the case, you are giving yourself closure, regardless of the other person’s status. By demanding closure from someone else, you’re basically choosing to stand still and not move forward until the other person tells you that it’s okay for you to move on. Why would you want to torture yourself like that?

Keep in mind you are the only person in charge of your actions. You say when it’s time to stand still or walk ahead. Just imagine what could possibly be ahead of you when you move on. It could be anything; a new job, a new relationship, a restored life. How will you ever get there if you stay put? I don't know who Pete is in your life, but get up and go, for Pete's sake!

So, would anyone desire closure to properly move on? Yes, but that closure you're looking for has to first and foremost come from within. The sooner you can get over the relationship, the sooner you can move on to bigger and better things. As long as you can accept your conclusion, come what may, you will have the most reassuring form of closure you could ever ask for…

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I'm Never Saying "Never"

These are my words, and I make no apologies. 

Stories we were told as children seem to teach us that in the end everything will have a happy ending, but as we live our lives we soon find out that isn’t really the case. We will love, we will hate, we will experience enjoyment, and then we will experience disappointment. Many of us will always search for something we can never find; the decision to acknowledge that everything you desire resides in you is a hard decision to accept. We force decisions, we force situations, and we end up disappointed because we have forced others into a situation that benefits us.

We will always have an eagerness to know. We hate uncertainty. We’re always looking for ways to categorize everything in our lives: people, places, things, events, situations and circumstances. We’re looking for ways to protect our feelings and our emotions. We’re searching for a way to circumvent life, which is inevitable. Life wasn’t made to be an absolutely happy experience. Life is beautiful, but it doesn’t mean that you will enjoy each phase you experience along the way.

Let’s get right down to it, I believe in happy endings but I hate closing chapters. I hate closing doors because I never know when the right time is to put down the pen. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m immature, but I just can’t do it. I can never say, “never” and I mean it. I don’t think all of us actually believe that to be true. Many of us think that you have to master delete the people from your past; I'm confusingly different, which means I don’t delete anything because I think the story isn’t over. I've come to learn there is only one story that ends and that’s life. For all intents and purposes what you should take away from this is that I don’t believe in endings. I believe that life is an ongoing experience that has much in store for all of us.

Let me be more specific. None of us are ever really over our past; it makes us who we are today. None of us are comfortable with uncertainty and not knowing where we stand in our relationships with the people we love or like; but that’s the way life works. You’re never going to have all the answers. What we have to understand is why we want to know the answers to the questions we have. The need for many things in a relationship is not about the relationship, but about what we desire as individuals. Honestly, we’re all just trying to find our place. Find our place in a place that accepts us for who we are. We struggle with understanding that the only place that will accept us is the place that we create for ourselves.

We have to stop asking for someone to define our circumstance. We have to stop trying to force the ending because we need to know where we stand, it’s just a defense mechanism that we created. The need to know needs to die. What we need is not the ending but to know that we are still in the race.

Maybe this makes no sense to you, then again maybe it does. I'll end this blog the way I started it. These are my words, and I make no apologies...

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The "What Ifs" We Deal With in Relationships

I may have a fear of commitment. I know it sounds cliché, and lame, and all the lead characters in all the romantic-comedies have them these days, but unfortunately it may be my reality. It's my honest belief that all fears, including that of commitment, flourish as a result of over thinking. What is the most common consequence of my over thinking? A constant storm of “what ifs” that effectively leads me to self-destruct in any potentially good relationship that might come my way. So, in an attempt to save myself and hopefully others from dying alone in a home surrounded by 37 cats, I outlined below a few “what ifs” that haunt me, along with good reasons to ignore each one:

What if I meet someone else? Anyone with a fear of commitment lives in constant awareness of just how many fish there really are in the sea. Yes they may rock, but there are also about a billion more rocking people you’ll probably meet in your lifetime. You met him or her on a random night out when you least expected it, so who’s to say you won’t meet another perfect man or woman on another random night out this weekend or next? The fact of the matter is that there are plenty of people out there and you will probably hit it off with many of them. But, that doesn’t make the one you met any less perfect. Stop comparing them to all the hypothetical ones who got away and rest assured, your current one may be the perfect one for you right now. If you honestly don’t feel that way in your heart of hearts, they just might not be right for you at all.

What if they stop loving me? Things are wonderful right now because everything is new, exciting and fun and you are both so into each other, but what happens a few months down the line when they catch you watching “Sister Wives” in sweats with a finger up your nose? What if they really got to know the real you, flaws and all, and it’s not good enough? What if all the excitement ends and they just get bored? This fear isn’t unfounded; it happens all the time. Couples can get disillusioned and fall out of love. But, you deserve somebody who loves the real you, flaws and all. Just sit back and think about how fantastic it would be to have someone who walks in on you watching “Sister Wives” in sweats with a finger up your nose and STILL loves you. Don’t you want that? Hell yes, you want that! The problem is you’ll never know you have it unless you let your guard down and try, especially with your finger up your nose.

What if I’m bad at it? What if you give it a shot and you suck at it? What if you’re a terrible girlfriend/boyfriend and you don’t know how to do all the girlfriend/boyfriend things all relationship people know how to do, like send cute texts all day and remember anniversaries? What if you don’t know how to do all these things and you break their heart? For starters, things are already looking up because at least you’ve found someone you care about. Think about it; you actually care about this person so much that you are willing to end things with them (hurt yourself) on the off chance that you might do something wrong and hurt them. I’m really no expert, but I’d say that kind of love (yes, love) is enough to make a relationship work.

What if they get in the way of my plans? There is no doubt about it, you feel they are "The One". They make you feel all those things you thought people in country music songs lied about having. However, you’re planning on moving back to San Francisco in five years, and they want to stay in midtown Manhattan. One of you will have to eventually make a sacrifice. But with sacrifice comes resentment, and with resentment comes the end of the warm fuzzy romantic-comedy feeling you had. This one is probably the hardest one for us to accept, but a friend of mine gave me some good advice and I’ll share with you. News flash: falling in love is never planned. Better yet, life itself is never planned. Sure, break up with him if you want to and “save” yourself now, but I’m pretty sure moving back to San Francisco insanely broken hearted isn’t quite part of your plan either.

What if my heart gets broken? Why move forward and risk getting my heart broken when you could cut things short and make it out with just a little scratch? The sting of a scratch will heal much quicker than the agonizing pain of a real break. Cutting things off at the first sign of possible attachment is a surefire way to avoid any sort of agonizing heartbreak, even if they did make you feel like the coolest person to have walked the planet, and was basically perfect. You can keep your fear of commitment and successfully avoid ever having your heart really terribly broken, but in doing so, you’ll also sacrifice love.

You can cut relationships short all you want, but do you really want to go through life with nothing to show for it but a journal full of the ones who got away? My life is full of “what if” moments, and I’m sure that the answer may not always be found in my fear of commitment. I have work to get rid of the fear, and so do you, one “what if” at a time…

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From Newlywed to Partner

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, we were newlyweds. Watching television in the evening meant snuggling together, spoon style on the couch. We were the couple every other couple envied. We held hands. We went on dates. We hurried home to see one another. I told her that she was beautiful, and I happily did the laundry without any complaints from her about the amount that landed outside the hamper instead of inside the hamper. Cooking dinner was a treat, a way to show how much I loved her. When I shopped for her birthday, it was a daylong event, describing her to saleswomen so she could get the perfect item, the perfect size and surprise her with a beautiful new outfit I knew she would love.

There was a time when wearing my t-shirt meant she was sleeping in it, not leaving the house in it. Years have gone by, life has changed, a son has arrived, and time has become more rushed. Making dinner nowadays has become a nightly chore, something that must be done, and something that someone will have a complaint about. Laundry has become a never ending task, the laundry hamper is never empty, and chances are clothes are beside it because they fell off the mound on top.

Watching television means sitting in separate chairs. Hand holding happens every once in a while, which are far less often than they used to be but inevitably the son we both have will say “Ew, stop that!” Rushing home now means someone needs to be there to get our son home, or so that the other parent can leave. Kisses are asked for, and hurried. Romance is now at the bottom of the priority list. Once upon a time we were newlyweds. We aren’t married anymore, but that doesn’t stop us from being parents so we’re still partners in a sense. Now we are that couple who has been in each others lives forever, and those newlywed days are a distant memory.

If I’m lying on the couch with anyone, there’s a pretty good chance it’s with the son we’ve raised. This isn’t to say that love disappears over time, but it is to say that it definitely changes. I also happen to believe that a successful and happy relationship requires much, much more than just love. Love will get you started, but it’s not enough fuel to make it through the long haul. Relationships require something much different because the day to day grind, the “real life” stuff can suffocate that love you have for one another if you don’t watch it.

We used to be newlyweds. Now we’re the older couple, better friends, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Sure, we sit in different chairs when we watch TV, and date nights might be infrequent, but they are every bit as cherished. She knows when I’m having a bad day even when I haven’t said a word, and the same can be said about me knowing her bad days. Shopping for each other isn’t a full day adventure anymore, and that’s because we know each other so well we don’t have to spend an entire day at the mall. I know instantly if something is what she would like or not. I still enjoy surprising her, but it doesn’t take nearly as much effort as it used to. I know all these little quirks and pet peeves as well as I know my own, probably even better than my own. We used to be newlyweds, but I’m so glad we are now that old not a couple, couple…