The Cure for the Alpha Woman

When it comes to making typical household decisions, a recent survey shows that women call the shots in 43 percent of relationships. Many of these women are often referred to as Alpha women. An alpha woman can best be described as a total B.I.T.C.H. or otherwise known as a "Babe In Total Control of Herself". She’s confident and assertive, good looking and intelligent. She’s sassy, bossy and classy all at the same time, and when it comes to relationship ready men, she prefers to run the show and have the final say.

For the alpha female, finding a relationship ready man is relatively easy, so long as you’re willing to overlook a few minor factors in favor of the big picture – YOUR big picture, that is. Your ideal relationship could be right under your nose, but you’d never know it because you’re too busy adding to your checklist of relationship requirements that have nothing to do with relationships and everything to do with the relationship ready man that’s right for you. The relationship ready man for you may not be as tall, handsome or as intelligent as you might have envisioned, but he’ll make up for it in other ways if given the chance.

There are two types of relationship ready men that fare well for the Alpha woman. The important thing to note here is that both these type of men share one common characteristic. They are both Beta men who are usually attracted to the Alpha woman who likes being in control. Beta men are less dominant than their Alpha male counterparts and tend to be submissive in their relationships. When an Alpha woman pairs up with an Alpha male, there is often a power struggle for control within the relationship, which is why Alpha women have more successful relationships with men who are less assertive and more acquiescent.

If you are the type of woman who knows exactly what she wants and goes for it, then the Beta man is the perfect relationship ready man for you. He’ll worship the ground you walk on and treat you with the utmost respect because he values and cherishes you. He admires your courage and strength and places you on a pedestal because he feels lucky that you chose him. He knows he’s not the best looking guy or smoothest guy in the room, so he does everything within his power to make sure your relationship needs are being met. A deep desire to please you is the Beta man’s best quality yet. This relationship ready man will be your biggest ally because he has no doubts about putting his complete faith and trust in you.

Do you want to be in control of your relationships? Do you want to be admired and treated with respect? Do you want someone who is willing to follow your lead and won’t butt heads with you? Do you want a relationship ready man who will support your dreams and help make them come true? Then try not to overlook the nice guy trying to start a conversation with you; he just might be the relationship ready man for you...

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Divorced and Dating with Baggage at 40

There are times when you can't advance in your relationship life without clearing away some of the weighty bags that hold you down. Truth be told, its not just your relationship life, but life in general that can hold you back if you don't rid some things. Back on September 21st, I talked about certain types of emotional baggage, but baggage can be many things to many people. Here’s a list of some types of relationship baggage, although I’m sure some things will be left out:

1. Children from a previous marriage
2. Hurt from a bitter divorce
3. Trust issues from a cheating partner
4. Disappointments from past dating experiences
5. Money/credit issues from previous marriage (or life in general)
6. Large child support or alimony payments
7. Parental issues
8. Self-esteem and image issues
9. Work/career issues
10. Health problems
11. Poor outlook on life
12. Negativity about love, dating, etc.

Whew – that’s a whole lot of baggage! Sort of like the quantity you might see at the airport. The truth is everyone has problems. From a Zen perspective, its said that everyone has 88 problems, and when you are lucky enough to get rid of one, another appears! So what can be done to minimize the stuff you carry around?

You are made from the totality of our experiences. How you LOOK at the totality of these experiences is what truly matters. That’s why #11 and 12 are the biggest bags of all – they're more like trunks, because they influence  your experience of everything that happens to you.

How can you LIVE and LEARN? Let’s say for example you had a brutal divorce which is traumatic and hard for anybody to live through, but you did. The question becomes, how can you LIVE and LEARN? What did you discover that you will never want to put up with again? What signs would you pay attention to next time? These “growth opportunities” can change you in a positive way, not just add to your negativity or baggage.

If you’re negative about love or life, that counts as baggage. Don’t kid yourself into thinking negativity is not one of the 88 problems. It’s the kind of baggage that screams out like a neon sign across your forehead. People can tell. I’ve been on both sides so I know first hand.

The best thing you can do is learn how to re-train your thinking. There are several productive and healthy methods to do this such as traditional therapy, hypnosis, energy balancing and healing, prayer, positive self-talk and affirmations. That’s just a partial list. Sometimes we need a blend of multiple options!

Start somewhere, anywhere. Once you begin your climb back up the attitude ladder, you will feel more optimistic, and dramatically increase your attractiveness to the opposite sex. The rewards for this healing work are plentiful and it’s well worth the trouble.

Empty out some of those bags or maybe let go and drop a few to find the love you want...

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Driven by Distraction (Guest Blogger)

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from someone who wanted me to know just where she was in her journey, and why she believes dating several men at various stages is healthy, wise and amazingly fun. After reading her story and going back and forth with her via e-mail, she wanted to remain on a first name basis if I was going to run her story. I agreed because the content was just that good, and I didn't want you to miss her perspective. Listen to Faith, today's guest blogger from the United Kingdom...

I just turned 40. I’m single, never married. No kids. Fab career. Tremendous friends. I’m healthy. Genuinely happy. Not perfect, and not trying for that either. I’m honest about who I am, and who I am not. I make no apologies. I make a lot of mistakes. I also make it a point to learn and grow and find the positive. I’ve dated a lot, but this time around something is different. I’m having a ball! For the first time, I feel like I might truly be close to a special long-term partnership. Notice I said partnership, not marriage, not kids, not love. Of course I want love, but to me that's a given. I love my ex-boyfriend very much and he says he loves me. But ultimately he could not, or would not be my partner.

I am currently dating 2 men at various stages (4 dates and 2 dates) and I have one more on deck after voice mail tradings. I even have one “lapsed” suitor that has resurfaced after about a month of no contact at all. Yes it’s a lot, but I am having a very good time. I like all of these men for different reasons and each of them has a certain amount of potential (a gut feeling), so I am open and willing to be wowed. Men know when they have competition and they love it. They might even actually need it. If they want to fight for you, it's a powerful message for them. But what do I know? I am simply sitting back and being the best person I can be with all of these men, staying present and paying attention to them and to be with them.

Who inspires me? Who makes me feel safe, calm, beautiful, precious and special when I’m with them? Have they done work on themselves? Do they strive to be better (succeed at work, learn, grow, serve)? And do they execute “standard operating procedures” such as walking me to my car and asking me to notify them when I’m home safe after a date? The cool thing is when I feel myself starting to attach to one, I call another one. I don’t “save” Friday nights or any time for that matter. I don’t refrain from making other plans on my own or with friends. I’m patient but I’m not panicked. I’m not on a schedule, but I’m not wasting time either. I’m busy. My life is full and satisfying. I’d like a partner, and should he present himself to me...I’m ready because I know I deserve the very best. I deserve to be loved, cherished, treated with kindness and respect. I also deserve to be kicked in the butt and called on my garbage when necessary, and hugged on a dark cold night and assured that everything will be okay. Kids may or may not happen, marriage may or may not happen.

Diversifying not only exposes me to different men, but to different approaches, feelings, conversations and situations. It isn’t draining, it's invigorating! I keep a list and I rank them. I don’t call. I don’t get all wrapped up in one, and if I do, I focus on someone else. With this many dudes there is always a call or e-mail or text to return. Me initiating comes later in the process as a way of bolstering, encouraging, thanking and doing my part. I don’t fawn, I don’t obsess, I don’t freak out when one dude falls off because there are more where he came from. On the flip side, I’m not apologetic online if someone reaches out and we are not a match. If the guy seems lovely and well meaning, I will reply with a sincere “thank you, but no thank you.” Occasionally I will elaborate, but sometimes I simply delete. If I am not eager to respond to a man that has reached out...I trust my gut. Frankly, I rely heavily on my gut, and I know I’m usually right because its been proven time and time again. When a man gets weird or rude when I say we aren’t a match, I simply BLOCK him, and I don’t think twice. Done! Next! Not with my precious precious time and energy you don’t! As with life, in dating I truly believe it's about the journey and not the destination. In other words, it's about dating, discovery (of them and you), and fun. It's NOT about marriage and kids for me.

Wow! Can you identify with Faith? Let me hear from you, more importantly, let Faith hear from you too! It's a new year, and there's a new email address (relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com) for you to send me your questions, your comments, your booking inquiries and of course your blog submissions. In this new year, let's keep the lessons going!

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Chicago Convo Party Feb. 1st

I'm excited! I'm super excited! I'm super duper excited! OK who am I kidding, I'm UBER excited! During the break I haven't been on social media, so I couldn't tell you much about the uber-excitement, but trust me when I tell you...its BIG! So big, that I take time on a Saturday (a day that I usually don't post anything) to tell you that if you can get to Chicago on February 1st, do it! Why? Because there is a conversation party going on, and I need you there to be a part of something epic! Now I know what you're thinking, people talk about relationships all the time...yeah true, but this isn't your normal "here is what's wrong with men/women" kind of party.

My friends at The Red Sea Crossing, a faith based entertainment promotion group, has set up the first phase of an ongoing conversation in 2013 called "Who's Chasing Who: The Man or The Woman". When I say it's going to be big, epic and uber-exciting, it's going to be that and more! On the panel are some of the country's premier voices in entertainment and information.

• Alicia Rosa - Survivor One World
• Matt Hoffman - Big Brother
• Deandre & Cheryse Nobles - The Nobles Marriage Foundation
• Jamelia Amor - Actress, Model and Mentor
• Malik Yusef - Grammy Award Winning Recording Artist
• Brittany Fletcher - The Amazing Race
• Gene Bryant - The Glass House
• and ME! I know, how did I get in this lineup???

We will be talking about what works in relationships, what doesn't work in relationships anymore, and what has changed and why has it changed. After the conversation, the party will kick in with DJ Trae Tunes so you'll know how we get down for the next phase for the grown and sexy. I'm glad to be a part of something to change the conversation game, and I'll be more glad when you join us Friday February 1st. 2341 West Roosevelt Road in Chicago at 8:00. $20 gets you in for some no-holds barred, real relationship talk.

If you want to start relationship conversation wherever you are, send me an e-mail and give me the details as to what, when and why to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com.

With Just The Wave of Your Hand...

Let me encourage you with a great “how did you meet him” story. At 32, Donna was down in the dumps because she had just broken up with her long-term guy. She felt her clock ticking and couldn’t believe she invested all that time with Walter to have things go sour. Donna's friends fixed her up with a couple of guys, but they didn’t work out. She spent a lot of time sitting around the house moping. She watched a lot of chick flicks with a box of Kleenex by her side. She ate potato chips and read romance novels.

One night, her parents couldn’t stand watching her languish on the couch for another moment. They dragged her out to dinner with them. The restaurant had an hour wait, so Donna and her parents went into the bar to pass the time. Unfortunately, no server was in sight which meant no drinks for them either. They were getting irritated and felt thirsty as well. Finally Donna spotted a waitress on the other side of the bar and stood up to wave wildly, trying to get her attention. Well, she did get someone’s attention, but it was not the server.

As it turns out, Reggie was standing on the other side of the bar and had been watching Donna for a while. When he saw her wave for the waitress, he mistook it as a friendly motioning to him. Feeling a little braver, Reggie walked over and started chatting with her. That was the beginning of what has turned into a 20 year, loving marriage. Don’t you love it? Sometimes love is totally serendipitous. With the simple and enthusiastic wave of her hand, Donna found love.

What can be learned from this love story?
1. Wrap up that pity party and stop moping!
2. Get off the couch!
3. You need to get out in order to be seen!
4. Appearing friendly can work wonders (even if your intention is to flag down a waitress)!
5. Love can happen at any time, in any place, when you least expect it!

As your dating coach, my advice is to get out to mingle. Make a habit of meeting new people. Push yourself to be friendly as your way of interacting with others. Smile more, especially at men. Find a deep sense of knowing that love is possible for you to help you stay motivated and optimistic on your journey to find the love you want and deserve.

I'll return next Monday for another round of Relationship Lessons, so keep reading and learning until we type again...

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The Man-Free Diet

Are you suffering from a broken heart? Maybe you’re distressed by dating disappointment. Well, here’s a unique solution that I found that has a lot of merit. The best solution after a break up sometimes is to proceed without a man for a while. Not a bad idea at all when you think about it. In fact, it’s a rather good idea just for a limited time. There are a series of rules that if followed, can be rewarded with any type of extra special compensation you might choose. Some may prefer shopping, but you can choose whatever alternative you want. Anything of a positive influence and healthy choice counts as a reward:

The Man-Free Diet

1)  No drinking and dialing/emailing/texting of any kind.
2)  No visiting places where your ex is known to frequent.
3)  No sad music, tear jerker movies, or romance novels.
4)  No leaning on your back-up male friends who wish they meant more to you.
5)  No picking up/hooking up with strangers to help you get over “him”.
6)  No dating just for the sake of being in a man’s company.
7)  No beating yourself up, thinking about all the things you did wrong, or wish you had done differently.

Don’t forget about the reward for sticking to this stringent Man-Free Diet. Be good to yourself during this time of healing and recovery. Rebuilding your self-confidence and an open heart requires lots of positive self-talk. So, no chiding or belittling yourself for mistakes, real or imagined. And just like the Weight Watchers diet, there are a load of freebie options to help you make it through without cheating that you can take advantage of anytime:

Man-Free Diet Freebies

1)  Plenty of Girl’s Nights Out with fun and laughter.
2)  A good dose of getting to know yourself again and decompressing.
3)  Hot baths and hot tubs.
4)  Exercise – get reacquainted with those endorphins.
5)  Pampering from massage to nails to facials.
6)  Make over from makeup to hair style to getting your colors done.
7)  Journaling, meditation, therapy if needed.
8)  Occasional chocolate indulgences.
9)  Almost anything that makes you laugh is a good thing.

This is a solid plan to make the entire healing process far more pleasant and potentially faster too. If you are under the influence of a breakup or dire dating disappointment, put this powerful and healthy remedy to work for you. Then once the diet is over (any period of time of your choosing), get back out there! Flirt, smile and mingle to meet lots of even better men...

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Applying Business Skills In Your Dating

Ladies, do you follow up with the men you meet? You're a successful woman, maybe you are an entrepreneur, work at a corporate job or for a small business owner. Whatever your work situation, you have valuable business skills and know how to make things happen. You also know how to network and meet new people. Even if it’s not the most comfortable thing for you, you can do it. You can strike up a conversation at a chamber of commerce after hours event, or a trade association meeting. Now, you are looking for a good man and you bring these skills to your dating journey. You apply your well-honed business skills to the singles events, or even on a match.com coffee date. And, when a man gives you his card and says “call me”, you follow up right? I sure hope not!

For women, there is no follow up in dating. I’m going to tell you this straight and I’m not going to hold back. Follow up is considered a traditionally “masculine” skill related to the business world. Now that women are a strong force in business, women have adopted these traditionally masculine behaviors to be successful in their careers. That’s very smart, however when you follow up with a man you just met and have romantic interest in or had a date with, you are relying on your business skills. This means you are not using your feminine charm, an issue that can literally derail anything from starting with a man. How come? Most strong, independent women want a strong, decisive, masculine man, but guess what that masculine man wants? He wants a feminine woman who compliments his masculinity. A woman who helps him feel more masculine. He doesn’t want a woman who can be as masculine as he is. That is not attractive to any man. Does this mean you have to become a door mat? Absolutely not! It does mean that you will need to learn how to get in touch with your feminine charm and use it for romantic relationship success. Now you might be thinking “What does that look like?” 

A woman using her feminine charm to interact with men...

• Can be friendly and walk up to men to strike up a conversation, but don’t ask what he does for a living. You might tease him about something or tell him why the color of the shirt he has on suits him.
• Allows the man to initiate contact and ask her out. She doesn’t call a man who gave her his card because she knows that shows his laziness and lack of true interest. She knows to let the man initiate the chase.
• Smiles at men, especially when she catches a man looking at her. She knows this is the way to let him know it’s OK to approach her and invite him into her world.
• Might ask a guy to dance on an occasion, but doesn’t do this as a rule. And once that song is over, she says “thank you” and quickly departs, giving him the opportunity to return to her if he’s interested.
• Doesn’t call or email to say “thank you” the day after a date, or send little gifts. She knows that to do this can invade a man’s space. She might send a simple text once, but nothing more and it’s not required.
• Knows how to follow a man’s lead. She does return his call, email or text, but doesn’t initiate additional contact until after 2 or 3 dates. And then follows the 3:1 rule (his contact vs. hers) to refrain from over communicating.

Men choose women who make them feel good about themselves. Relying on your feminine charm will do just that. I’m not taking away your power. In fact, I’m showing you how to make use of your unique feminine ability and the way to become irresistible to amazing men...

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The Friend Zone, Part 2

Guys have it tougher when it comes to dating. Generally speaking, women expect us to take the lead, break the ice and do the pursuing. In my own experience with relationships, I’ve always been the one to take the first step. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. It’s simply nature at work, and men are hardwired to seek the thrill of the chase. We’re goal-driven; and in the back of our minds, guys know that what they want isn’t going to just fall into our laps. But what if you’re interested in a guy who needs your help to get the ball rolling? I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have feelings for a man and not have them reciprocated. Many a time have I heard women complain to me about getting stuck in the so-called Friend Zone. I hate to say this, but once you’ve crossed over into that dreaded territory, it’ll be hard to convince your platonic friend to have romantic feelings for you. In fact, you might be better off starting over with a new guy instead.

So avoiding this trap means planting the seeds of romance as early as possible to prevent him from perceiving you in a non-sexual light. But how do you do it without looking needy or desperate? Let me show you a few ways:

#1: Get Your Brain Involved. With the right mindset, you can focus your efforts to surpass personal boundaries. What does this have to do with your love life? Well, let me give you an example. A millionaire has the attitude and mindset of a wealthy person before he earned his money, not after. His thoughts and beliefs guided his actions and habits which brought him to where he is now. In the same way, consciously telling yourself that you are attracted to your guy will influence your actions  (giving verbal and non-verbal cues) and bring about sexual chemistry. Men pick up on this natural vibe and will trigger his desire to pursue someone who’s giving the right signals. In the pickup artist community (yes, there is such a thing), this is known as "indicators of interest". Whether it’s the way you flip your hair or how you speak, guys pick up on these subtle signals and perceive it as a green light to pursue a woman.

#2: Drop Hints In Your Conversation. As it is, some guys need a little more nudging for your message to hit home. But as I said earlier, you’ll risk scaring him off if you lay it too thick for him at the start. To quietly slip under his radar, try lacing your chatter with the romantic talk. The trick to talking about romantic things without coming on too strong is by talking about another person you know (like a friend or co-worker) and describe a romantic situation they were involved in. Once you’ve introduced a little context, give your own thoughts about the situation and ask him what he thinks. It’s easier than it sounds. Consider this example: “Last week, my friend went out on an out-of-town date with her new boyfriend and he took her to a cozy little resort. He knew she loved the outdoors, so he spent a couple of weeks planning the whole thing as a surprise. It’s pretty cool when someone does stuff for their partner based on what she really likes. Have you experienced anything like that before?” Not complicated at all, right? Think of your own scenarios to get his mind in the right direction. When you regularly have these kinds of conversations, your guy will start associating all those romantic notions with you. Remember, he doesn’t have to fall for you right then and there. The intended effect is for him to picture you as a potential partner instead of writing you off as a harmless friend.

#3: Touch Him a Few Times. To really seal the deal, nothing speaks interest louder than a few instances of contact every now and then. In most cases, a guy is willing to make the effort to pursue a girl who at the very least, is comfortable enough to tap his shoulder or touch his hand. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but you should do it a couple of times whenever you meet to maintain a constant presence in his consciousness. You know you’re making progress if he starts returning the favor and finding an excuse to touch you as well. However, I’d like to wrap up things by advising you to temper these steps with a little restraint. Although you’re trying to get his attention, you don’t have to ride all your hopes for romance on one guy. In fact, acting with a slight sense of detachment will actually work to your advantage because you’re relieving yourself (and him) of the pressure to be more than friends. Not only will you act relaxed around him, he won’t feel awkward or forced to reciprocate.

Just remember that there will be other opportunities out there if the guy you like doesn’t respond in the way you’d hoped. Dating should not be a matter of life or death...

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The Law of Attraction (Guest Blogger)

I'm super excited about today because I get a chance to let someone take the stage to give you their take on relationships. You can do the same thing as well by liking my page on facebook.com/relationshiplessons, and send me your take by e-mailing me at therealcakebossblog@gmail.com. This brother from Los Angeles, has a story like mine and I love the fact that we are now connected because it gives me a reason to pull from people who have been where I am trying to go. He has a book that was released last year, and I promise you, it will change your perspective about life! More about his book and where you can get it in a minute, but ladies and gentlemen, hear from my friend Anthony Lamar Smith...  

The universal definition of the “law of attraction” teaches that we each attract into our lives whatever is in alignment with our most dominant thoughts. The Bible teaches that “as you think within yourself, so are you”. Psychologists have proven through Nuero Linguist Programming (which is the science behind how we think) that our core beliefs about ourselves stem from three factors: Associations, Experiences, and Environment.  And many cases our environment is the principal cause of our associations and experiences. For many, if you grew up in "the hood", most of your associates and experiences reflect this environment. If you grew up in a strict religious environment, most of your associations and experiences reflect this as well. We are each the sum total of our environment, associations and experiences. It is these three factors that form what are many of our core beliefs. It is these core beliefs that dictate how we think and what we experience; who are associates will be, and the makeup of our environment. So if a woman’s predominant thought about relationships is that most men are dogs and only use women for sexual entertainment, she will continue to attract this type of guy into her life, even if she “desires” the opposite. It is impossible to attract anything other than what you truly believe. If a man believes that most women are gold diggers and only use men for financial gain, many of his experiences will be exactly that. So the question becomes how do we change our thoughts and attract what we say with our mouths the quality mate that we can enjoy a loving harmonious relationship with.

 
In order to change your experiences we must first accept that thoughts manifest, and in order to change your thoughts we must learn to ask ourselves quality questions in order to attract a quality answers. For example, if I were to ask you “what must I do to lose weight”? You would probably say diet and exercise, right? The problem with this answer is that most people hate dieting and exercising. If we were to look at the first three letters in the word diet we will understand the reason why. DIE! For many, dieting doesn’t conjure positive emotions therefore we usually stop dieting after about a week. However, if I were to ask “what can I do that is fun and exciting that will also help me lose weight” you would probably come up with multiple answers. How about dancing, swimming, walking the mall or through a nice park; playing the Wii, bicycling or some sport. As you may have noticed, by changing the quality of the question we were able to attract different (quality) answers. It’s the same with attracting a mate. However, there is another principle involved with attracting a quality mate...your intentions!

 
What are your intentions for a relationship? Why do you want to be in a relationship? Is it because you hate being lonely or alone? Is it because you need someone to help you with your fiscal matters? Is it because you want to have sex and are afraid of being cast into “hell” because of fornication? What is your intent?!? If your intentions are outside of “love” then your intentions are wrong. So what do I mean by “love”? The love I speak of is more than an Eros love for your mate. The love I speak is a love for allowing God’s favor to manifest because of this relationship. Relationships (marriage in particular) is to evolve each individual into the absolute best person they each can be for the sake of manifesting the Kingdom of God upon the earth. Because God is a spirit, the personality is exemplified in both male and female. And the love that exists within Himself he desires to express through your relationship. You each have a personal mandate upon your life to materialize the gifts that God has placed within you, so that the rest of the world can be blessed by your relationship. Whatever this “gift” may be is beyond sexual favor that is allowed within your marriage bedroom. It goes further than the love and intimacy that the two of you share. Your relationship is the personification of the Living God. Just as in the beginning the Word was God and the Word was with God, and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld the Word as the only begotten Son of God…so is your relationship. Your relationship is like a newborn child. Within this child is the DNA of both parents as one. The child is literally the two of you, as well as himself, all as one person. The child represents what the two of you would be if you were born as each other in one body. Yet the child stands on his own and is able to manifest whatever gift lays within himself. So is your relationship. Therefore, if your intentions are not for manifesting the Gift of God within itself then the relationship is in vain and is solely for selfish reasons.
 

So I ask you once again…why do you want to be in a relationship?

Anthony Lamar Smith

“L.I.F.E. Intentional, Living In Fullness Everyday” is the hilariously entertaining and inspiring story of a man who through trials and tribulations, great successes and failures learned and applied 21 principles that helped him fulfill his dreams. While reading this book you will learn that applying these 21 “Truth Precepts” can help you do the same in any area of your life.”

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The Friend Zone

I’ve noticed a terrible flaw in the way that women pick their partners. This is an observation many other men have made, and about which I’ve read quite a bit in trying to understand the opposite sex. I would love to find out that I’m wrong about this, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. When a woman meets a man, if she’s not attracted to him from early on, she puts him in the friend zone. She decides that he isn’t boyfriend material. They become friends, and she complains to him about all the jerks she dates. The sad irony is that she doesn’t see that there’s a man right there with whom she has a great time, and with whom she could have a great relationship.

The man is the one who usually recognizes this. I really think that men are better at seeing this than women are. Anyway, he tells her they should be together, but she comes up with reasons (or excuses) why they shouldn’t. “I don’t want to lose your friendship,” she says, or “I just don’t feel that way about you”. And how sad is it that she doesn’t feel that way about him, but feels that way about men who treat her badly? This can happen to awkward guys too, but it also happens to strong, smart, good looking men all the time. I should know, because it once happened to me. When I was in this situation, the woman said “I have to be in a relationship where the sex is good”. I still wish I had responded, “Then let’s have sex and you’ll know for sure”. This was someone I liked a lot, and liked for a long time. Anyway, because of this tendency for women to put a man into the friend zone, a man has to initiate a romance with a woman before he knows much at all about her. The man and woman hook up, and everything is amazing, but the man starts to think about where this is going. He doesn’t know enough about the woman, so the future looks scary.

I think this is what leads some men to be players or pick up artists. It appears that the trick is to hook a woman quickly, then let her go before things get serious. Why again? Because it’s next to impossible to really get to know and love a woman, and then move into a romantic relationship with her. The point is, that guy you put in the friend zone may be amazing, but you put on blinders when you look at him. He may be funny, strong yet sensitive, and as close to perfect as you’re ever going to find. A man like this often knows that he and the woman he loves would be great together. Remember the movie “Hitch”, it was all about men learning how to get that friend they love to fall in love with them back.  Most of the women watching the movie were surely rooting for those guys, while not seeing that they had a guy or two like that in their own lives. As for me, I’ve realized lately that I need to get to know a woman well before having a relationship with her. Yet the “friend zone” problem makes that next to impossible. So please, ladies, take off those blinders and give some of your male friends another look...

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What You Reflect in Relationships

During an interview I was asked, “what is the number one mistake I see women making in their dating and relationships?” I didn’t have to think about it for even a second. In fact, the interviewer hadn’t finished asking me the question before I was giving her my answer. “Hands down the biggest problem I see women continually making, is that they don’t own their POWER" I replied. They don’t realize how truly wonderful and special they are. Because if they did they would never take anything from any man, even the man they're in a relationship with.” Now before you start filling up my mailbox with venom spewing e-mail, I want you to know that I am one of your biggest champions. I know what a huge heart you have. I know that you have a tremendous desire to share that heart with someone special. I know how you will give and give until you can’t give anymore and then still somehow find it in you to give some more.

It is one of the traits I admire most in women. But unfortunately that trait is often your Achilles heel. You are so used to giving and trying to make others happy that you often overlook your own needs. You forget that YOU ARE IMPORTANT and that in order for you to be truly happy it is essential for you to be in a relationship with a guy who gives as much as he takes. Herein lies the problem...you don’t realize that you deserve it, and if you do realize it you don’t act in a way which shows a guy that you do deserve it. I could write an expose for why this is but and the end of the day it comes down to one thing, YOUR SELF WORTH! If you really knew how special you were you would never settle. You would never take crap from any man, especially the one you were sharing your life with and more importantly, you would realize that you deserve nothing less than the best and you wouldn’t stay five minutes with a guy who gave you anything less.

Owing your power simply means you know how special you truly are. It’s knowing you don’t need the love or approval of anyone else. It’s understanding in every cell of your body that you don’t need a man to complete you, and you don’t need a man in order to live happily ever after. You have to own your power first, because once you do, it becomes much easier to find and have the happy and fulfilling relationship you really desire. Why? Because you will no longer be operating from FEAR. Its fear that makes you stay in a relationship when your gut is telling you to run. Its fear that makes you chase a guy when he is clearly showing you that he isn’t interested in you, or he is only interested in you for sex. If you want to know how strong your self-worth and self-esteem is simply take a good look at your life and notice what you see:

• Do you set clear boundaries and quickly remove yourself from any man who isn’t continuously making you happy?
• Do you take your time and get to know a guy before you open your heart, or your bed? Or do you rush and jump right into things hoping that if you do he will like you more?

You see, you can never have a truly happy and fulfilling relationship if it is based on fear. It’s like building a house on a foundation of sand. It may look good and be functional in the beginning but it will only be a matter of time before it starts sinking and comes crashing down. Your relationships are a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you love and respect yourself you have a relationship which mirrors that, and if you don’t love or respect yourself, your relationships will reflect that too. You deserve the very best relationship possible, but until you own it in your thoughts, words or actions, you will continue to make it much harder on yourself to have it...

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Myths and Truths About Single Parents and Dating

If you are considering dating a single parent, forget the myths associated with it. Look into your situation first to see where you are in life and where you want to go. Get to know people of all walks of life, be honest about what you want, and provide support and friendship when its warranted. I’m not saying that you should take on a family if you are not ready. What I am saying is evaluate the situation with an open mind and create conclusions about where you want your relationship to go based upon your experience with that person. So here are five myths AND truths associated with dating a single parent:

1. That single mother is only looking for someone to provide for her children

It’s the excuse that all single mothers (and maybe single dads) are all looking for handouts. You get this rhetoric from some, and while the availability of income share is smaller for a single parent than a married parent, we should be conscious of the facts. Seventy six percent of single mothers are working mothers, and for dads that percentage is in the nineties. So the myth above is exactly that...a myth! Now I can say that the share of income for a single parent to spend on outside activities is less than a person with no children. However let’s rebuke the fact that all single parents are living in poverty and that all single moms are gold diggers.

2. Single parents are an easy fling

This myth is only a myth if the other person wants something more than a fling. Just because they had a child or children doesn’t mean they are easy. Sometimes these individuals were in a serious relationship or marriage and the child is a result of that relationship. If anything this shows that they are capable of a commitment and willing to try to date again to find that connection. Whatever the case, you need to be up front and have the talk early with a single parent. That way nobody will be wasting anyone’s time. If the single parent is on the same page as you, then go for it. The key is be genuine and sincere.

3. The kids come first, so I’ll never be a priority

Single parents juggle a multitude of priorities at different times in their lives. A parent that places a high priority for their children are just demonstrating characteristics associated with love and integrity. It should not be questioned at all that children are their top priority. However, don’t be discouraged and convince yourself that YOU are NOT a priority because to a single parent you are. Yes single parents are juggling so many priorities, but if you are willing, be patient about it. Yes, they may not be texting you every minute or responding as quick to your phone calls, but that doesn’t mean they are not thinking about you because they are. Open yourself up to a stronger connection by paying attention to the details. Single parents will appreciate it because they can appreciate that you understand the many things they have to juggle at one time.

4. The single parent is going to expect me to replace the absent parent

Single parents are not about getting a replacement parent for their child if the other parent is absent. Single parents that have little to no support from their ex are so used to being in the role as both parents, they would never dream of anybody being a replacement parent. In these situations, flexibility and understanding is important. The single parent in this situation juggles a lot and carries a large burden all on their own. In most cases, they have less trust of people and so its necessary to be supportive, available and understanding. Once you get a single parent to open up, you will see a very hard working and caring individual that will definitely appreciate any gestures to romance them or provide understanding about their situation.

5. All single moms hate men, or all single dads hate women

A single parent that is ready to date does not HATE on all men or all women. If they are confident and ready to date, there should not be an issue with getting close to single parents. Of course you may encounter single parents that seem to bad mouth a particular gender or even bad mouth their ex. That’s where you need to evaluate for yourself where this opinion is coming from. Did they have a bad experience with their ex earlier and they are just venting. It may be a harmless and seldom occurrence that can be disregarded. If the single parent constantly makes disparaging remarks about a gender or their ex, it may be time to have the talk and let them know that you are not going to tolerate such remarks.

Take these five myths and truths and evaluate for yourself if you are ready to date a single parent. You can meet a very wonderful individual and in the long run meet even many more wonderful individuals. Relationships should nurture you, support you and help you grow and succeed with love. If a single parent is the one that can create that for you, then you have something very special. So take these myths and truths, and understand that you could be missing out on a potential dating partner that could be a great relationship for life...

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The Power of the Single Parent

I truly believe that when a child is living in a home that is free of tension, fighting and anxiety, that child has the best chance to blossom as a young person. Not only do I think that divorce can be justified for the sake of the children, in some situations it is the better thing to do for the children. As part of the American Dream, we’re supposed to have this perfect family: a fulfilling marriage, three kids, an ugly SUV in the driveway, and everything perfect under the roof of that house. That fantasy just isn’t a reality for the majority of us. Under the roof of many Americans homes lives a family filled with tension, where the children are not blossoming even though they are excelling in class, taking part in wonderful after-school activities, and playing in safe wholesome neighborhoods. These children are not blossoming because, at home, their parents are at each others’ throats.

I have faith in single parenthood, and I’m a firm believer in single parenthood. Some of you may be thinking: "oh God, this guy is just trying to break up the American family”. I'm absolutely not. If the family unit is strong and the parents are able to work on their relationship with love and respect for one another, then their child will have a great ability to blossom in that type of environment. However, if the parents are unable to continue on in their relationship with each other, and if they’ve tried everything they could to save the marriage but still cannot find it in their hearts to love one another, their child will lose so much opportunity to fully blossom as long as the parents force themselves to keep the family together.

I know a lot of great single parents, and they are fantastic parents. I think single parents are fully capable of giving their children all the love that each child needs, with or without their ex involved. A child absolutely needs and deserves love, whether that child is a two-year-old toddler or an almost 12-year-old rambunctious son like mine. A single parent may be unable to display acts of affection without a steady partner in life, so the child may not learn how to display intimate love by watching and observing the parents. What a single parent does have the ability to do, is to teach the child about the beauty of life.

A single parent who is angry after a divorce and trashes the ex is inevitably going to do more harm than good. That child is learning in their formative years that when you break up a relationship, you need not show any respect for the person you once loved. You can spit venom, and you can blame everything on them. That child as a result runs a great risk, from childhood into adulthood, of becoming a blamer of blaming everybody and everything around them for all their own faults in life. But if you’re a divorced single parent and you teach your child of the beautiful things that can happen in life, you speak positively of your ex and you teach that relationships with the right person can be absolutely amazing, your child has the chance to grow and learn from you about love in a positive light. If they see you in great relationships with your friends, they see the way you interact with strangers, if you interact with the people around you with care, with compassion and with empathy, that child is going to learn how to deal with people. Most of all, that child is going to learn how to deal with themselves and learn to embrace themselves for who they are as a person.

If you’re a single parent and your child spends time with your ex, honor that time and allow your child to enjoy that time. Put your personal feelings toward your ex aside because that is your ex’s time to experience life with his or her child. If your child receives love and learns the beauty of how to conduct relationships, including relationships that have broken up, when that child becomes an adult, they are not going to be bitter and angry and frustrated like some of the comments that I read. Some readers base their view of relationships completely on anger. You haven’t really embraced your own breakup, separation or divorce yet. You haven’t even taken notice of what your issues are, and you haven’t really accepted that you are the only person who you can hold responsible for your past relationships.

As parents, we are role models no matter what. That is why I applaud single parents. Single parents are some of the best role models that I’ve ever met, no matter that they are divorced. Their decision to divorce was not selfish at all. Many of them have had to think hard and dig deep, and they have concluded that their children are better off raised by only one parent than under the shoddy roof of a failed or deteriorating marriage. I know a lot of strong people who came from single parents, and they experience fantastic relationships because their mothers and their fathers served as role models who did not force themselves to play the loveless roles of each others spouse. You may not be able to show intimate affection if you’re not in a relationship, but instilling in your child the ability to love goes beyond merely displaying love to your significant other. It’s showing it to everybody around you, through acts of kindness, compassion and empathy...

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The Formula For Love

It's Tuesday which means it's guest blogger day! Today's writer comes via the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook, who has some very nice submissions on her own Facebook page (facebook.com/jenny.dhd), which prompted me to ask her to submit a little sumthin-sumthin for me. Hope you enjoy it like I did, from Jenny Dhd... 

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NAS). I thought about this because it came up in a relationship class at church, which intrigued my intellect.
Did you know there are reasons we love the people we do? There are two things we all have in common about those we love. First, we admire something about the people we love. Second, they make us feel good about ourselves. This formula for love never changes—it is always true. Even in our relationship with Christ, it’s true.
For instance, I love Christ because I admire Him. There is no one I admire more. But admiration for His character and nature is not the only reason I love Him. I love Christ because of what He did for me on the cross, and what He does for me daily in my relationship with Him. He makes me feel valued, special, and secure. I love the way He makes me feel about me.
The truth is, you will never fall in love with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself.
Just think about the “puppy love” phase of your relationship. You were attracted to each other and couldn’t wait to spend time together. The reason was twofold. You liked something about the other person, and you liked the way he or she made you feel about yourself.
Now let’s talk about how a breakdown in a love relationship occurs. One of the most crucial roles you play in your husband’s or wife’s life is to be God’s instrument in revealing to them that they are very important and special. When you are no longer feeding each others self-esteem and regularly highlighting the things you admire about each other, the formula for love begins to break down.
The good news is, this situation is easily reversed. As you make it a point to look for and talk about the qualities you admire in each other, you will begin rebuilding each others self-esteem. With a little bit of effort, you will be able to see immediate results. The way your husband or wife makes you feel will improve noticeably, and you’ll discover that the formula for love is easier than you might have thought. Always there has to be two willing individuals that wants to do whatever it takes to love and make things work.

Every Tuesday I would like to hear from you and possibly take the stage to give your view on love and relationships. you can do so by following me on Facebook or Twitter, then email therealcakebossblog@gmail.com to submit your entry. I look forward to reading what you have.

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Why I Ended It

"The One" is a person everyone is familiar with but no one can clearly define. "The One" is supposed to be the person, the only person, who is right for you. The one you’ll stay with forever, and the one who perfectly matches you. Some say there is no such thing, or if there is, we’re not very good at recognizing it. Right after countless people including myself say, "I think they're The One"...the most common thing you’ll hear any person including myself say about this mythical figure is "I really thought they were The One". Its not a very encouraging success rate. And yet I and millions of others keep on thinking that "The One" is just around the corner. Love and optimism tend to go hand to hand, which is the way it should be.

One of the most common questions women tend to ask about men is how do they know when they’re ready to commit. How do they know that the woman they’re with is the all-important "One". I presume there’s also the question of when do you know the person you’re with is not your soul mate. I suspect that’s a little easier to figure out. For me I figured it out, but someone was going to get hurt and there was no escaping that. However, the one I believed to be "The One" wasn't THE One. It might get confusing as well as bumpy from here on out, but I'll do my best to explain. 

I felt something was missing in my relationship. She was nice to me and for me, and we got along well but there was a specific spark missing for me. From her perspective everything was great and moving along well. When we would meet there was the hello kiss, lots of hand holding and similar things, but it became clear to me that it wasn't where I was supposed to be. I was convicted after I fell for her and after she fell for me, but "The One" is supposed to the one with whom I learned all my relationship lessons from, so I decided to end my relationship in order to pursue where I believe I truly belong with the other. Let me make this clear...my first wife and I are NOT a couple, we both have a tremendous individual journey to take in order to improve ourselves. But for me, in what I've learned so far from her, I believe applying the lessons with God's continued help, makes me a better man hopefully for her.

My first wife prepared me for life without her. In my first blog "The Biggest Lesson Of Them All" I mentioned that she wrote in the margins of books I had for 10 years but never read until recently. It paved the way for me to change and prove to myself that I didn't need to be the bastard that I was. In my changing over these few years, I admit that I never fully moved on from her, and in retrospect, I shouldn't have gone into any relationship knowing that I wasn't able to fully commit to her. Around Thanksgiving things shifted for me, and after talking it over with my closest friends over the holidays, I wondered if I as a relationship coach had dropped the ball. Could I be someone who advises others in what to do, and how to handle certain relationship situations? It really got me to thinking, and I can say that lessons are learned by everyone. The biggest lesson is: God never intended for me to marry the wrong one after divorcing the right one. If this categorizes me as the bastard that I fight not being, then I'll get better as I continue to grow. I started this communication with you, letting you know what works and what doesn't when it comes to relationships, especially mine...so what changes from this? Nothing I guess. I come away from this not knowing where it goes from here, but I'm as human and transparent as it comes about my life. In this new year, I want to continue growing and changing and from each lesson learned, I want to apply it to the right "one"...

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