Somebody Is Going To Love This Blogger!

Last year, I remember telling my best friend about my last break up. We talked about why we broke up, and who we both knew was The One I should go back to. I even blogged about the break up, and in return, she wrote a blog to complain about my blogging about it. After I told my best friend all of this, I cringed and waited for her response. On some level I knew my best friend would take my side, but on some level, I knew I was probably crossing a line when I wrote my breakup blog. My best friend has known me well enough and long enough to truly understand that disagreeing with me (and me disagreeing with her) is like disarming a time bomb. The red wire stops everything, the green wire causes destruction. The right words can stop me in my tracks...or wait, is it the other way around???

“Honestly,” she started. What my friend would say next was the absolute wrong wire to cut. “I’m just saying, when you write about your life,” as she tilted away from me, “You’re going to have to face the fact that women may meet you and know more about you than you want them to know. The One you're really interested in, her girls will know things about you too.” At first I shrugged her off, but then later I began to obsess over her warning. One of my biggest gifts from recently attending a bloggers conference — beyond branding advice, social media tips, and new friends — was the unequivocal evidence that bloggers like me (the ones who talk too much) have deep and loving relationships. Translation: someone, somewhere is going love this blogger. 

Some woman somewhere will be smart enough and wise enough to actually marry me. Perhaps I haven’t met her yet (but I believe that I have), but she will somehow understand my compulsive and incessant storytelling. She’ll be acquiescent to my need to tell the truth — my truths, my strange uncomfortable truths — and she will know that’s part of what makes me…well, me. Somebody amazing is going love this blogger. And that somebody will be a very lucky woman. I met and experienced so many fearless bloggers at this conference. I met people who wrote about things that actually made me blush: their changing bodies, their battle with raising children. I met women who wrote about their sex lives with their husbands and vice versa. I met folks who shared stories of addictions, transitions, poverty and shame. I thought to myself, I wonder what their spouses or significant others think about all of this?

Somebody somewhere is going to love this blogger. But she’s going to need an epic sense of humor. As I sat captivated by the beautiful and vulnerable prose all around me, I was comforted by the universal need for storytellers to tell their truths, and the way those truths land on foreign ears to provide laughter and healing for folks who thought they were alone. So today, I pray for the people who love the bloggers — the people who love poets, artists, musicians, novelists and journalists too — I pray for the folks who help the bloggers live the stories they eventually write. You are beautiful, brave and stronger than you know. Thank you for loving writers who write to love themselves, and thank you for giving us permission to type it out. Like I said, someone is going to love this blogger. And as she continues to read what I have to offer the world at large, my hope is that she already does...

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What Are Your Intentions? (Guest Blogger)

The word intention is defined as:  A course of action that one intends to follow. An aim that guides action or an objective. In relationships, both men and women have to define their intentions. Today's guest blogger gives her encounter with someone that left her wondering where the relationship was headed based on some clearly, but not so clearly defined intentions. Judge for yourself what Danielle from Aurora, Colorado has to say...  

I posed a question to Twitter asking if it was better to ask a man what his intentions are, or let him know yours when it comes to spending time with someone new. I was pretty surprised by some of the responses I received, which I will share later, but first I’ll give you the back-story so you'll know where all of this came from.

A couple months ago, I went to a happy hour one Friday. The lounge we were at was pretty chill, good music, great food, and overall a great space to end the work week. I ended up in a conversation with some people and met a guy who happened to be friends with one of my male friends that was there. He and I eventually found our way into a side conversation and hit it off. We did some dancing, and some flirting as well. It was nothing serious, but it was definitely a good time. Before he left, he asked me for my number to keep in touch and that was that.  A couple of days went by and I hadn’t heard from him, so I figured it was what it was. He was a nice guy, and I enjoyed our time, but I wasn’t going to sweat him. If he was interested, he would call.

A couple of weeks ago I went out for some drinks with my friends, and ended up running into dude again. We exchanged pleasantries and later went our separate ways. It was in the days that followed, that he started to hit me up. He ended up asking me to a baseball game, and I agreed to go. We had a great time, talked the entire time, ate and drank, and no I didn’t have to pay for anything. After the game, I was thinking that everything was going well, he seemed interested and appeared not to be on any BS. This could probably work! The only thing I noticed that stuck out to me, both at the game and in later conversations, was that he had a way of mentioning sex a little more often than I thought was normal. He wasn’t being a creep about it, but I just felt like it was coming up way too frequently in this stage of getting-to-know you.  For example, I knew he worked in banking, and usually works on Saturdays. At the game I asked him what was his idea of a perfect Saturday when he didn’t have to work. He responds with, “I wake up, have sex, go back to sleep…” Ok, cool. Sounds like a good Saturday morning. It caught me off guard, but I’ll roll with it.  Another time, we were talking about hobbies and he mentioned that he wanted to buy a new PlayStation for his birthday. Ok, a gamer. That’s fine. He just made sure to inform me that Call of Duty wasn’t better than drinking or sex.

Now in my head I’m thinking, what is it with this guy? He’s a cool dude and not a weirdo (I think). I just don’t get why sex comes up in every conversation. It was because of this, and this only, now I’m thinking maybe his only or primary intention is to do the casual sex thing. I wanted to let him know what I was on and what I wasn’t looking for, but I didn’t want to come off abrasive. I wasn’t really sure how to bring this up, or even if I should. Thus, my question for the people of Twitter.

The Women: Most of the women who responded to my question felt like I shouldn’t have to ask him his intentions. His behavior would let me know what he was really about. Their consensus was that if he wanted something more than casual sex, I would know, so wait.

The Men: The men who responded, said that I should either ask, or let him know what my intentions are. They felt like it was best to be up front and honest in the beginning, and not get caught up later. They thought this would alleviate the possibility of being led on or getting played in the long run. I actually agreed with the guys, as I usually do. I feel like, why not just tell someone what you’re looking for in the beginning, and give him or her the option to stick around or bounce. I think that anything else would be a waste of time. All that grey area is frustrating and unnecessary.  Of course you always risk the possibility of someone lying, or even saying one thing and doing another, but that’s life. We all know how that goes.

In case you wanted to know, I didn’t ask dude why he talked about sex so much (there were other examples that I left out for the sake of word count), but I did let him know what my intentions were. I told him that at this point in my 30-plus year-old life, I wasn’t looking for the casual FWB buddy thing, but something with more substance. He assured me that he wasn’t looking for anything casual either. So far, his actions haven’t really given me a reason to feel otherwise. We’ll see how this plays out.

Hmmm...It seems like his intentions were pretty clear to me, but fellas, would you prefer a woman be upfront about her intentions in the beginning or wait for you to volunteer where you see the relationship going or not going? Should men/women state their intentions in the beginning or let someone show you what they want as time goes on? What’s the best approach? Leave a comment, and email me your story to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com. 

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What I Find Attractive In A Woman

So many things have changed over the years for me. Growing older and hopefully a little wiser has a tendency to modify your perspectives about so many things...including dating. I honestly have a hard time remembering what I looked for in a woman when I was younger. Maybe the only requirement I had at the time was that she just looked back at me. But now after being in a few relationships over my life, I know more of what I want, or at least I fooled myself really well into thinking that. I realize now being well into my 40's that there are so many more attractive qualities besides a nice rack or legs that go all the way up to heaven. Sure those are both nice features, but that doesn't tell me anything about who you are as a woman. A friend of mine and I sat down and made a basic list of what I am looking for, and why I am looking for it. After thinking about it, I came to the not so obvious conclusion that what I now find attractive is much different than when I was younger. 

The first thing I notice about a woman is her smile. A smile from a woman has so many inquiries that draw me in and attracts me even further. Why is smiling? What is she smiling at? How often does she smile? These questions are very important to me, and finding someone who is fun, happy, and not afraid to show that emotion is what I like to see. Everyone says they want to laugh and have fun in life, but for me, seeing it is actually believing it. I love the kind of smile that lights up a room. After a smile, it is the eyes that get me. Is a woman shy or confident? Does she avoid eye contact, or is she ready to make a connection? To me, the eyes are the window to the soul, or in my experience, they are at least insight to a person. While I find it very cute when a woman coyly turns away after looking at me now and again, it can be extremely engaging to just look at each other when talking. Maybe it is also a gauge for interest, but I find that I connect with women who aren't afraid to make a lot of eye contact. I also find eyes that sparkle, are easy to get lost in. But gentlemen, you can definitely see the sparkle in the eyes of a woman based on the type of conversation she hears and participates in with you.

It is natural to have a base level of physical attraction to a woman. If you line up 10 women in a row, I could probably arrange them in some order of beauty from a 1 to a 10 as they appeal to me. All of this based from hair color, to length or style, to a woman who is more fit, to someone who matches my personality or lifestyle. But when it gets down to comparing one woman to another, it is usually her smile and eyes that make all the difference. Finding that confident happy, fun loving person seems to easily reflected in those features. At this stage of life, those are very attractive qualities that grab my attention across a crowded room...

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How Men Fall In Love

In my countless interviews with men, I've come to the conclusion that men love more deeply than women, and that it's a more profound experience for us. The reason I believe this is because most men are brought up to stuff down their feelings, particularly if they are considered to be feminine feelings. By the time we're in middle school, we've learned to numb our feelings so well that we don't even know they are there any longer. 

Love is such a big emotion when it hits us, we are almost overwhelmed with the immensity of it. It cannot be ignored or denied. And because it is so huge, we barely know what to do with it. When a man feels true love, the woman we love is someone to treasure, and we are almost in awe of what is happening. In comparison, love for women is wrapped up in a lot of other emotions, fantasies, wishes fulfilled, joy, excitement, anticipation, future planning, etc. So it all gets diluted among the other feelings that go along with it. Don't get me wrong, women feel it deeply, but its not the huge earth-shaking experience that can hardly be put into words like it is to men. When men feel it, we often don't put it to words because we are just "in it".

Men don't want to talk about their feelings, women do. I'm not saying it's wrong, but men don't put it into words because love simply makes us want to act on it by being with the women we love. If you can understand this very important difference between men and women, you can relax and enjoy our way of experiencing and expressing love, rather than dampening our feelings by insisting that we express it the way you do. We'll both be happier because a man's love would be free to grow and flourish...

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Compromises That Men Make (Guest Blogger)

As I typed this blog, looking for a great topic to discuss, my mind started to wander as usual. I thought about the plight of the single man, the man in a relationship, and the final frontier: marriage. I’ve thought about that day more times than I can count. Don’t believe me? It’s true! Ladies, if a man tells you that he’s never thought about being married, it’s a definite swindle. When I think of any relationship, including marriage, the first word that comes to mind is compromise. Am I willing to concede certain aspects of my current life for the benefit of a union? What battles should I fight, and is battling even worth the trouble? Will I look bad, or feel a certain way for the concessions that I make? Knowing that marriage and commitment scare men at some point in life, I thought once again to call upon “The Most Interesting Man in the World” my friend Chris for a second time to properly pitch to this blog and assist me accordingly. I asked him to outline 4 compromises that men will almost always have to make in a serious relationship, and I provided a rebuttal afterwards. So Chris, what are some relationship concessions that must be made in order to keep a happy home?

Compromise #1: Accountability

The biggest, and most noticeable compromise one makes when you make the transition from being single to being married is accountability. As a single man, so much of your time is spent being accountable to yourself, and only yourself. If you decide to only change your bedsheets after sex, that’s your choice. Clean the bathroom once a month, your choice. Spend money irresponsibly, your choice. Once married, all of your decisions are made with someone else in mind. You have to consider your wife in nearly everything you say and do. The flip side of that, is you must also hold your wife accountable. Sometimes, that’s even more difficult than being accountable to her. Most men I know, like me, are generally laid back, not really interested in fighting or arguing. Generally speaking, we rate peace and quiet over everything, so if she’s done something that’s only slightly annoying we often let it go in favor of keeping the peace. Part of holding your wife accountable sometimes means sacrificing peace and quiet, and having difficult conversations about things she’s doing that pique your anger or annoyance because not having those conversations in the moment often lead to huge disagreements further down the line. The thing you have to realize is that most likely, your wife is going to tell you about every single thing you do that annoys her. And as much as it sucks, her doing so will make you a better husband. If you want her to be a better wife, you’ve got to tell her where she’s falling short. Do this enough in the first couple years of your marriage and you’ll eventually settle into a nice little groove where you’re consistently meeting each others needs and focusing on enjoying each other.

Rebuttal - I think this is why a lot of guys are apprehensive and adverse to being in relationships. It’s difficult to be critiqued, and it's even more difficult to disturb that peace and quiet that you spoke about above. Peace of mind is very important to me, and like you, I am the type to pick and choose my battles. The key is in recognizing the value of the relationships, and doing what’s necessary to strengthen and enhance them.

Compromise # 2: Free Time

When you’re married, you will not have the same kind of free time you had when you were single. But the truth is, it’s really not a bad thing. If you not only love your wife, but you also actually like her, spending a good portion of what used to be your free time with her is a good thing. One of the boundaries I try to maintain is the idea that “free time” doesn’t automatically mean “we time.” In most marriages, if she doesn’t have anything to do, and he doesn’t have anything to do, then by default, they have something to do. What that ends up creating is this expectation that all of your free time is to be spent with her. Where there are expectations, there will inevitably be disappointment. The way you overcome this is twofold. First, you have to create opportunities to spend quality time with your wife. Schedule dates, meet up with her for lunch, eat dinner in the dining room instead of in front of the television, just…do stuff as often as possible. On the flipside, schedule time to hang out with your boys. Try to go out and do stuff with your friends once or twice a week from early on. Don’t just wait until stuff comes up with your friends, make stuff happen. Doing this early on in your marriage will help create the expectation that free time doesn’t always mean “we” time, and that will cause the two of you to not take each others presence for granted and appreciate the time you spend together that much more.

Rebuttal - I cherish that free time as much as anything in the world. The fallacy in free time, is that for the average person you have as much “down time” as “free time”. There is a difference. Free Time is time that you have to yourself to perform tasks that may or may not be associated with your significant other. Down Time is when you flat out don’t have anything to do at all. I swindle myself into thinking that both are interchangeable. Dudes think that their time plummets into a bottomless vortex created by their wives the minute they take the vows. Reading your words, I see that it’s more important to establish a certain behavior pattern prior to and at the onset of marriage. It’s also important to KNOW WHO YOU MARRY! Don’t be surprised if you marry a clingy woman and she gets even more possessive after marriage.

Compromise 3: The Television

If you’re a man who likes sports, you’re going to need two televisions. There’s no other way around it. A typical Sunday during the fall for men consists of church from 11am-1pm, football from 1pm-11pm and then SportsCenter 11pm till we start dosing off. I don’t care how big a football fan your wife is, she’s NOT trying to watch 12 straight hours of football every single week, and it’s not really fair to expect her to. If you live in a smaller house or apartment when you’re starting out like most newly weds and the only legit spaces for a television are the living room and the bedroom, you’ll eventually run into the “tv in bedroom, or no tv in the bedroom” discussion. This is one of those discussions where you have to put your foot down. Gentlemen, you MUST win this. You need two televisions, trust me, and a DVR too. The compromise here is that you let her use the big TV, sometimes...

Rebuttal - Let the church say AMEN! Two TV's will absolutely be the minimum. I can only imagine what the battles will look like regarding Video Games, lol. I hated fighting for the remote when we had one TV in the house. I don’t want to reenact a scene of Spartacus with the wife for TV rights. Concessions will have to be made, and I think all non-married men will have to accept that.

Compromise 4: Events

I struggle majorly with attending events I don’t really want to attend. If I don’t want to go, I just won’t go and I won’t feel bad about it. Even if I don’t have anything else to do besides stay home and play Madden. The Mrs. on the other hand, she’s a really, really nice person. If you invite her to something and she doesn’t have anything else to do, she’s going to go. Most couples I know have this sort of dichotomy and you probably will too. You’re going to have to compromise. The problem most men fall into is that they start their marriage feeling obligated to go to every single event their wives tell them they’re invited to. They’re afraid to say no. If you do this, eventually your wife will start assuming that you’re going to everything. I did the opposite early on. I said no to everything. I wouldn’t suggest this, but I would suggest not being afraid to say no-often, even if it causes a bit of an argument those first couple years. It’s better for your wife to be surprised by you saying “yes” to attending something than it is for her to be surprised by you saying “no” to attending something.

Rebuttal - I’m surprised to hear you say that. I thought it would be bad to say no early and often, but I understand your logic. I think it should be important that your wife knows the type of guy that you are, and makes expectations based off of that. If she knows you abhor baby showers, then she shouldn’t be surprised if you say no. I will say that you should make a concerted effort to go to some things even if you’re not a fan. This, to me, is the quid pro quo part  of a marriage, or any relationship of merit.

Thoughts On Why Compromising is Overrated

Relationship experts always tell you that compromising in marriage is important. And while it is in some situations, in others it’s actually unhealthy. Think of it like this: Kevin and Keisha are heading to the movies. Kevin wants to see the latest big action adventure flick and has no interest in the latest romantic drama. Keisha wants to see the latest romantic drama and has no interest in the latest big action adventure flick. Kevin and Keisha compromise and end up going to see the latest romantic drama. That’s the problem with always compromising. Sometimes compromising means both people win, other times compromising means both of you lose. In those situations it’s better for one person to let the other person have their way, trusting that eventually the roles will reverse. You never want the idea of compromising to become more important than selflessness. You want to get to the point where if you’re stuck wanting to see two vastly different movies, you’re insisting that y’all go see the movie she wants to see, and she’s insisting y’all go see the movie you want to see. When you’re fighting for it to be your turn to be selfless, your marriage is truly healthy.

Rebuttal - Naturally, when the word compromise is mentioned, people think of it more as a concession than an agreement. No one wants to be a loser. No one wants to seem weak when debating a platform or ideal for which they support. You just have to know when to hold ‘em, and when to fold ‘em. I think of compromise in relationships like a game of pickup basketball. When calls are made (foul, walk, etc.), they can severely slow the game down. Everyone wants to argue about whether the call was right or wrong. You don’t have referees who make definitive decisions and keep the flow of the game consistent, so you can sit there and argue forever. When you inject testosterone and competition into the equation, you get a bunch of men who don’t want to look like a sucker, and want their calls upheld. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t that dude on many occasions, but I also want to continue playing. So the suggestion is usually 1) you shoot for it, and if the guy makes a shot they get possession. Or 2) respect the call, even if it’s a BS call, and you'll “get the next one”. This way, you can resolve the issue and get back to actually ballin’. These are easy solutions to end the conflict, but when someone is blinded by pride, they can’t see the forest from the trees. Sometimes in relationships, you have to be willing to “get the next call” and concede your point for the greater good. Marriage isn’t a utopia. Chris and my other married friends remind me all the time. The lesson here is simple: Be realistic, be rational, and be consistent in all stages of the relationship life cycle...

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How To Enjoy The Relationship Rollercoaster

Relationships are very much like rollercoasters. Many of us thrill seekers enjoy the first steps in a relationship, the inching up the scary slope, and anxiously awaiting the unknown of what's to come. We get butterflies in our stomachs from all of the excitement. It's a true adrenaline rush. Once the coaster is at its highest peak. it plummets down again, maneuvering around the twist and turns. Once the thrill is over, it comes to a stop...much like many relationships. And so  therein lies the problem.

We all need things to get excited about and look forward to. Most everyone enjoys the thrill of anticipation in experiencing something new and not always knowing what to expect. However, you can ride the same coaster over and over again, knowing where every dip and turn is, and still enjoy the ride. Part of it is the attitude you approach it with, like a kid waiting to experience the excitement of a lifetime. If we all treated every kiss or date like it was out first (or as if it could be our last), we might not ever lose that excitement. 

A good relationship is better than any rollercoaster. Though there is excitement in the unknown, there is also comfort in familiarity. Knowing each others idiosyncrasies, and knowing what makes each other tick can make it easier to be responsive to the other person's needs and desires. Knowing where each person will bend and sway, and knowing how to react, is like a special dance two people in a special relationship can play. Sometimes with someone new, there may be awkwardness because of the unfamiliarity. With someone you are at ease with, everything can ebb and flow like the wind blowing in the night sky, or the waves rolling up on the shore line. Contentment can be like that heavy sigh we let out when we are comfortable or at peace. In the end, those sighs can be more fulfilling than the shrill of an excited scream.

The same thing about familiarity can be said about intimacy. Personally, I think too many people rush into being intimate, then like the rollercoaster, get to the end and stop. In new relationships, many people never come back to ride the same ride again, because they believe the thrill is gone. Had they taken their time, they might've realized that half of the thrill is in the build-up. I think it's better to take your time. It's better to let the anticipation build with the thrill of excitement by imagining all that is to come. Spending time truly getting to know your partner on a deeper level can make everything more rewarding.

Intimacy involves more than just sex, and it should be. There is a lot to be gained from enjoying the many little nuances of intimacy along the way. Much like the rollercoaster, the anticipation comes from inching up that slope. In reality and in many relationships, that slope comes all too quickly, so it's better to pace yourself and enjoy the ride. You may find out that you really enjoy each small step so much, that rather than moving on to the next quick thrill, you want to come back and do it all over again.

May each of us treat every rollercoaster like occasion, encounter and adventure as if it were our first (or as if it could be our last), because we never know what the future holds, and we should treasure every moment and enjoy the ride every step of the way...

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A Lesson in What Men DON'T Say

I come today to speak on a common issue that men deal with: women whom men want to simply “know their place.” These are the kind of women who don’t want to play that part, or don’t know that a guy has placed them in that role. I know this is a touchy and a brash sort of topic, but I’m very much ready to explain all that I am about to say. In the non-platonic world, men have two types of women in mind: women they don’t mind dating,  and women they only want to have sex with. The truth is, in the latter case, that’s all they want to be to that woman. Like many dating/sexual scenarios, it’s just never that simple. There are always confounding variables that can make things a little more confusing. Deception runs rampant between men and women. We try to be as verbally pleasing as possible, cushioning each others emotions for our own peace of mind. I don’t necessarily think this is the right way to go but many of us have been guilty of it.

It pays to be clear on the kind of relationship you have with someone. The main reason why guys get upset with women who end up wanting more than what they want, is because that woman isn’t fully aware of his intentions. I had a friend who was aware of a girl I was dealing with. He knew that to me it really wasn’t anything serious. Here and there, this girl wanted to really kick it and I just wasn’t with it. I didn’t want to give off the vibe that I was interested in more than what we were already doing. I wasn’t mean about it, that’s just not what I wanted to do. My friend affectionately named this girl “stay here”, insinuating that all I needed her to do was simply stay where she was and only come around when called upon. Now this was hilarious to me but in reality it’s pretty cold, right? As harsh as it sounded, his nickname illustrated my feelings completely. It became clear to me that maybe I wasn’t clear on what this arrangement was.

In my defense, It was a long time ago, but it taught me a lesson for the future: that women are as responsible for putting their foot down as men are. When she’s not clear about what’s going on, she needs to find out. Asking questions never hurts. You have to try and sense the sincerity of the responses. Like I usually say, listen to what a person isn’t saying. To be a “stay here” kind of woman and not know it, is probably one of the worst things ever. Being anything you don’t want to be is the worst thing ever, to be honest. Don’t be taken advantage of, but if you both want the same things...then get down with the get down. If that isn’t the case, then it’s “we have to talk” time.  The key is assertiveness. Assertiveness elicits respect, and at the end of the day, that’s really what it’s all about. The more we keep it 100, the happier we will all be...

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Have First Dates Become Extinct? (Guest Blogger)

We've all been an awkward dating situations before. None more than issues of non communication issues. What makes it even more awkward is the way we choose to handle it. Today's guest blogger gives us her experience with this dilemma, and asks the age old question: "Have first dates become extinct?" Relationshippers, read now the lesson that Malaika from Falls Church, Virginia has prepared.

I was at an event where I ran into some old classmates. I found myself in a great conversation with one of the guys I knew. And after some drinks and laughs, he asked me out on a date. Actually, his words were more like, “We should hang out sometime.” Even though I internally gave him the side eye, I agreed and we exchanged numbers. Later during the week he texted me (didn’t call), and we made plans to hangout downtown. The location was to be determined, but we picked a popular area and decided to take it from there. We continued to text during the week, and decided to go out the following weekend. Once the night came for this “hangout” I got all jazzy and was really looking forward to continuing our conversation from the previous weekend.

I get downtown and walk into the spot we agreed on, I see dude in the corner at a table with his boys. If you could imagine a blank stare at anytime, that was the time. Despite my intuition to leave, I go over to him and his homies, and I asked him to go chat. During the chat he explained that he thought I was going to bring my girls, and we were all supposed to have drinks and chill. I just looked at him. Then, I walked away. That non-date was over. I can’t understand how he thought us agreeing to “hangout” was the same as establishing a group date. There’s a small part of me that wouldn’t have even been mad at him if we had actually agreed to bring the homies, but we didn’t. It was at that moment that I wondered what happened to dates? Don’t people have some type of organized face-to-face interaction anymore? I know there was a time when a guy who was interested in a woman would muster up enough courage to ask her out to dinner. I thought there was supposed to be an unspoken order of things that started out with a pleasant “hello” and ended with a walk to a woman’s door at the end of the night. I know that times are different now, but doesn’t it seem things are getting a little too casual? 

It’s socially acceptable for men and women to “hangout,” and the formality of dating is a thing of the past. I think both women and men equally play their part in the current state of dating. Women do a good job of being comfortable with causally hanging out and don’t require men to put forth a whole lot of effort or show demonstrable interest. Men know that they can spend minimal time with women or invite a woman over to watch movies, and she’ll usually be cool with it. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with a redbox date, but not for date number one. Men stop asking, and ladies stop saying yes.

The purpose of dating is to get to know someone who you have some type of romantic interest in. This should take effort. Both parties should know what is going on, and it should be obvious what direction you’re moving towards. I obviously missed that memo since I ended up on a group date and didn’t know it. Men will argue all day about how spending money and taking women out on dates is a waste if they don’t know they’ll get something in return. I’m not saying what that something is, but let’s just say they are looking for a return on their investment, which I get. Nobody wants to waste time or money. I just figured if you are a man and genuinely interested in a woman, why would you be opposed to taking her out and showing her a decent time? If something comes from that then great, and if not, at least she knows that you’re a good guy that knows how to show a lady a good time. With the Internet making it so that people are just a click away, sometimes relationships are established before anybody starts physically dating. Social circles bring people together, friends introduce other friends, and maybe dating and getting-to-know-you opportunities aren’t as crucial as they used to be. A casual hangout and some intense chat encounters could be all that’s needed, who knows?

Another great blog from another great guest blogger! You too can be a guest by sending me your thoughts on where you are in your relationship journey, (whether good or bad) to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com as soon as you can!

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Kick Your Relationship Rut in the Butt!

The first few months of a new relationship are nothing short of magical. You want to spend every minute together. All of your conversations are enthralling. You laugh at each others jokes as if you're the funniest two people on the planet. You spend hours making out like teenagers...sometimes even in public. Its like your days and nights are a montage scene from your favorite romantic movie. You can almost hear "I'm Walking on Sunshine" playing in the background as you skip down the street hand in hand. Until one day, the music stops. Real life sets in. You both take off the rose-colored glasses and you begin to see one another not in the image of perfection you projected, but as real human beings...with flaws. Your romantic date nights filled with deep conversation and passion, have been replaced with ordering pizza and watching Netflix. One day you wake up and ask yourself the question: when was the last time you actually kissed? The thrill is gone. Is it gone forever? Isn't there something that can be done to fix this?

A relationship group that I follow on Facebook ask the question: Is it possible to repair a long term relationship with a significant other that has become boring? If your guy or girl is telling you "they are not feeling it", can you do anything about that? How can you be bold enough to let him or her know you are losing interest or you're not interested anymore? The short answer is yes, it's possible to repair it, but it's going to require effort from both partners and not just in the ways you might expect. Now for the not so short answer. First you must both understand that love is a choice, not just an emotion. When you're in a committed relationship, you and your partner must wake up each day choosing to love each other, whether you're feeling that warm and fuzzy feeling, or you are still annoyed from a disagreement you had the night before. You don't expect that every day is going to be rainbows and roses, BUT you don't just settle for being stuck in a rut either. When you face challenges in your relationship (not just arguments, but boredom too), you must to put in some effort to strengthen your bond and turn things around. If however you're bummed out because you're not feeling fireworks every day, and you think somehow is all your partners fault, this isn't good news. This kind of attitude is a sure sign of immaturity and unreasonable expectations for a relationship. Which brings me to my next point...

You are responsible for your own happiness, and your partner is responsible for theirs. A relationship is only healthy with two individuals living happy lives, coming together with a desire to share them. When one partner is unhappy with the other, hoping they will complete them, its a recipe for disaster. I suspect that it has a lot more to do with their own discontent than a genuine problem with the relationship. In fact, there are no boring relationships, only people who settle for boring lives. Sure, there are some long term relationships that don't work out because ultimately the couple was incompatible, or one partner refuses to grow and evolve, leaving the other to feel stifled in a relationship. But for a couple who once enjoyed fun, lively conversation, passion and excitement is now stuck in a rut, the solution to a rekindle a relationship is often counter-intuitive. You need to focus on yourself!

What are some things you used to do before you got comfortable in your relationship that brought you joy? Did you used to run, write, try new restaurants with friends, enjoy playing sports, or singing in the shower because there was no one around to hear? It's time to reconnect with those things that brought you happiness. It's all too easy, when we get settled in a relationship, to let those things slide because we do not think we have time or we've lost interest because it's so much more enjoyable to veg out on the sofa and watch reruns of Boardwalk Empire. That's crazy! In order to have balance in our romantic relationships, we must do things that fulfill us as individuals. In this case, you should definitely reconnect with the things that make you happy. No matter what happens in the relationship, you'll feel an instant boost of your own. And though this should not be your motivation, by invigorating your own life, you may very well discover that your significant other will wake up from their haze of boredom and say to themselves "something seems different about them, they're excited about their life, their busy, and they can barely find time to hang out with me!" But (and this is a big but), they must be willing to reincorporate into their life some activities and passions of their own. The effort you put in to make your own life more interesting, will pep up the relationship temporarily, but unless the significant other is focusing on their own happiness as well, eventually they will plummet right back into that rut. What's difficult about this is we don't have any control over our partners actions. Only time will tell if they will follow through...

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Five Things The NFL Can Teach You About Relationships

In Chicago, the summer means doing something outside of sports for men. It's been a very sucky summer here with both the Cubs and White Sox in the tank. Football is life in Chicago, and since NFL pre-season games have started, I wanted to take some time and reflect on some of the lessons I’ve learned from the NFL last season. 2012 was a hell of a year. Not only did I get a new High Definition TV just in time to watch my favorite team (The Chicago Bears) implode all over my face, I also disintegrated a  relationship in real time. That was fun. And so, as a result of spending too many Sunday afternoons crying into a bowl of melted ice cream while wearing my jersey (over the game, not the relationship) I bring you the following five insights:

1. The Two Quarterback System DOES NOT WORK.

For those of you who don’t know, the quarterback is the guy who throws the ball. Ok, I'm joking, but he’s kind of the nucleus of the entire situation. It’s his job to make a play happen. While it’s important to develop players and have a deep bench (in the event of injury), you only need one starting quarterback. When applied to relationships, this means you’ve got to play your position. I’m not into gender roles and things like that, but two people vying for the same spot just leads to chaos. The entire situation stops being about advancing the team, and instead it becomes about advancing the individual. You can’t win at love, life, or football with that dynamic. It’s stressful for everyone involved.

2. You are NOT entitled to your starting spot.

The 49er’s were in the Super Bowl last year, but somewhere poor Alex Smith was crying and sticking pins in a Colin Kaepernick voodoo doll. Why? Because after Smith suffered a concussion against the Saint Louis Rams, 49er's coaches put in Kaepernick, his backup (against the Bears no less), and never looked back. I remember hearing the news on Thanksgiving that “Kaepernick will be starting next week. This is not due to Alex Smith’s injury.” It was messed up, but the 49er’s got to the Super Bowl, so it was obviously the better choice. My point is this: our jobs, our relationships, and our roles are NOT guaranteed so we have to do well every-single-time. I’m not saying you can’t get injured or have a bad day, but understand that people have short memories and no patience; otherwise, you might lose your spot (see former Bears coach Lovie Smith). I wake up every day and try to figure out how to be a better partner to The One. Say what you want about me, but I'm a man who wants to remain in the game…

3. Good football teams protect the football.

So you’d think in this convoluted analogy, the “team” would represent the relationship, but you’re wrong. I’m convinced that a relationship is it’s own entity — a football. It’s something outside of the two individuals. You work together to push the ball forward. Have you ever seen a player intercept the football late in the fourth quarter, run the ball down the field and instead of going for the touchdown, he stops before the end zone to avoid giving the opposing team another chance at getting the ball? Instead of running for the points and the glory, they hit the ground to end the play. That’s because sometimes going for the big play (the huge applause or risky points) can cost you in the end. Sometimes it’s better to just play smart. Small advances are often more meaningful and effective than grand gestures. Though we’re in this era of fantasy football and Facebook courtships, it’s not all about the lights and camera-ready actions. It’s about the small, hard fought advances. It’s about managing the clock and adjusting the plays. It’s about protecting the football – protecting the relationship even when doing so doesn’t result in applause and attention. I’m thoroughly convinced that if more people saw their relationship as something beyond their egos that needed protection, we’d all be better off.

4. Not even faith can obscure obvious lack of skill.

Remember Tim Tebow, the overrated beloved quarterback who lucked into carrying his team to the playoffs? Isn’t it odd how even with all of his “success” The Denver Broncos still traded him, and the team that inherited him didn’t utilize him, so they traded him again? Well, that’s because he’s trash. Sometimes like in relationships, we get so caught up in the narrative. We date a Tim Tebow and although we know he sucks, but we stick by him because he looks good on paper, or our friends love him, or we’ve “already invested so much”. We have faith in him because he’s such a nice guy. We ride it out when it’s obvious he can’t get the job done. I’m all about having faith, but God also blessed me with pragmatism. If it’s not working, have faith that someone else can do it better.

5. You CAN still be awesome after an injury.

Am I the only person in the world who thought Peyton Manning would be out of the game by now? No, I’m not. Even the Indianapolis Colts, his former team, didn’t think that he was the future of their franchise. With all of the doubt and speculation, Peyton recovered from his neck injury, was signed by the Denver Broncos, and became co-MVP last year. Granted, if Tim Tebow could take the Broncos into the playoffs last season, Manning isn’t exactly a miracle worker, but that’s not the point. The point is that no matter how bad the relationship injury, it IS possible for you to recover. You may be out of the game for a season, but if you’re willing to take the risk of re-injury, you can be awesome again. Whether you end up on a new team, or if you’re like me; heading back to your original franchise, you CAN come back. And clearly, you can come back with style after learning a few lessons. 

I’m no sports writer, but these are my observations...

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Men Don't Have A Monopoly on Messing Up (Guest Blogger)

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for another guest blogger relationship confessional. Whenever I receive confessions, they automatically go to the head of the line because of the content shared. She wanted to remain anonymous, so I will respect that and honor her request, but I hope what she has to say will help somebody who might read this...  

Earlier in the year, I almost ruined my relationship. I screwed up...badly. I violated my boyfriend’s trust and when he found out (I told him), he was angry. No, I didn’t cheat, but what I did was really hurtful. There are more ways to betray your lover than to just sleep with someone else. There are a thousand ways to ruin a good thing. Anyway, in the midst of our argument I found myself outraged by his anger. He made it clear that he couldn’t trust me and wanted to end our relationship. “You have to forgive me!” I yelled into the phone one night. My voice was strong, and there were no tears. I was certain of my position. “You just have to!” He responded, “Do I??? Why?” And the truth was, I didn’t have an answer. 

As a single woman, I’ve spent much of my life making excuses for bad boyfriends. I’ve prided myself on being forgiving and compassionate, but my ability to forgive comes with arrogance and an unspoken acknowledgment that I must be better for my ability to let go of the pain. When asked why my boyfriend should’ve forgiven me, I wanted to say "because I’ve forgiven you, and I forgave all the men that came before you". I wanted to point to the past and point to the future...but in the present, one thing was certain...I messed up. I potentially ruined the foundation that we were working hard to build. I wasn’t the victim, or the person treated poorly. I was on the other side of the conflict. Ladies, men don’t have the monopoly on messing up. Even us women who don’t cheat or act crazy make seemingly small choices that undermine the men we love.

Here are three relationship "mess ups" I’ve been guilty of myself:

1. I’ve talked sh*t with my friends: My friends are permanent fixtures in my life. They’ve nursed me through break ups and embarrassing mistakes. They are the foundation on which I’m able to bounce back from heartache and pain. Thus, I often assume that because I trust my friends with personal info, I have a right to trust my friends with my man’s personal info. In doing that, I unknowingly undermine my relationship. The story he told you about his childhood or a seemingly harmless comment about his past has the ability to damage the bonds built in a relationship. It’s evidence that perhaps you can’t be trusted. 
2. I’ve failed to accept my partner as he is: I recently heard a story about women who are actively planning their weddings before they’ve met their partners. While I’m all about positive thinking, this seems a bit extreme. In my own way, I have been guilty of plugging a man into the role of “boyfriend” without really knowing what that means to him. I am learning to let go of ideas and expectations in an effort to enjoy the person that is in front of me. While it is important to know what you want; it’s equally important to know and enjoy what you have.
3. I’ve misinterpreted the facts: I’m guilty of interpreting the facts to suit my own neurosis. Sometimes in my mind, a missed call means infidelity. A perplexed frown means the relationship is doomed. Our misread interpretations can cause tension. They can lead to unwarranted fights and actions that damage bonds. I am learning not to interpret something without checking my facts. I’m learning that I have to trust in order to truly love.

Men or women, we all fall in love. We all get hurt. We all at some point have to stand in the mercy of others. After days of demanding forgiveness from him, I gave up because I knew I was wrong. I stood in the truth that I can hurt the man I love, and I listened while he told me how he felt. When I didn’t protest or try to diminish his pain, I left the room so that he could choose to forgive me. When love is involved, monopolies don’t exist. We’re all human and grasping for a little peace of mind. Remembering that will help us all keep the love we’re cultivating. 

Wow! That was a fantastic lesson, and it took a lot of courage for her to come out like that. So ladies and gentlemen, what relationship mess ups can you share? Feel free to comment, and feel free to send in your relationship viewpoint or your confessions for blogging consideration to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com today!  

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Five Dating Standards Men Should Have

I was recently giving thought to things that go on in dating, when I observed that a lot of men are put in positions where they are constantly dealing with responding or reacting to a woman’s needs. I don’t think I ever looked at it this way until recently. The standards of most men usually revolve around aesthetics and at a high level some behavioral traits like “isn’t too combative” or “doesn’t act crazy.” When it comes to deal breakers that’s typically something you’ll hear from a woman. A man may say that he doesn’t like girls with short hair, but trust me when I tell you this, at some point in his life, he’ll be walking in with a girl with short hair. Just about every one of those aesthetic deal breakers that a man claims to have will be broken at some point in his life.

Women have standards and needs and they tend to bring those into the relationship. They also have baggage and flaws and they look for situations that will accept, coddle or work though those problems. For example, I’ve noticed that a woman who has extreme trust issues will bring that into a relationship and raise her own flag. She’ll tell her man, “I have trust issues, it’s something I’m working on. Just know, that’s the reason why I don’t like it when you text me late at night, it makes me think you’re out doing something.” You see, that’s how it happens. Women also have standards about the men they’re dating as it comes to other things like appearance, communication, and conflict resolution. If you don’t meet these standards there’s a good chance that you won’t be able to seriously pursue that woman.

As I said recently I had given some thought to the need for men to have standards, and for those standards to be met or for an ultimatum to be placed on the table. It should have came to me a while back. I remember I was dating a woman and I realized I was chasing this girl all around at a certain point I had to stop myself. I felt like, “Why am I chasing this girl? I deserve better than that.” Then came the hard part – it’s really easy for a woman to have a moment and tell a guy what she deserves and that she’s better than what he’s giving her. For men, it’s damn hard to do that without coming across like an ass. It came out like this, “I’m really sorry but I think we have to stop talking. I’m not trying to be condescending or cocky in any way but I was raised with self-respect and an appreciation for knowing my worth. I’m not ashamed to say this but I’m a good dude and good dudes shouldn’t have to try this hard. Either you’re not that interested or you’re waiting for me to go so far above and beyond it’s absurd. In my eyes, I strive to be the type of guy that a woman would find herself involved with and immediately begin to think, “I really want to make this work.”

I left it at that, but months after that I found myself coming up with a list of standards that I think men should have with women and as controversial as some of them are, men are entitled to them. I’m a firm believer that every man has the right to choose not to date or not to continue dating someone if they please. I mean, don’t women have this right? Don’t’ they exercise this all the time? Fair exchange is no robbery, so I decided that this would be my list of five dating and relationship standards men should have:

1. Men should be able to decide not to date women who have trust issues.
2. Similar, but a different beast: Men should be able to decide not to date women who have jealousy issues.
   
3. Men should be able to decide that they don’t see the situation headed towards a relationship and be able to walk away.
   
4. Men should be able to have their own opinion on what they find attractive rather than it being dictated to them by the woman he’s dating.
   
5. Men should be able to be satisfied sexually rather than being reactive to what a woman is willing or not willing to do.

I finished my list and looked at it for a minute and I cringed. I thought to myself, “Really Mr. Cakeboss? Are you sure that it’s okay to call a standard in a relationship?” I mulled it over for a bit and concluded that it was absolutely okay. I realized that if I turned the tables around and made each one of these specifically for women, it would be perfectly fine. Have I ever heard of a woman breaking up with a guy because he wouldn’t trust her? Yep. Have I ever heard of a woman breaking up with a guy because he was too jealous? Hell yep. Have I heard of a woman who just stopped returning calls and texts because she fell out of “like” with him? Duh! How many times have I heard, “he’s a nice guy, but I’m not attracted to him”? TONS. And last but not least, have I ever heard of a woman breaking up with a guy because the sex was bad? Good God yes!

I guess it’s not so much about the list than it was about the realization that I think that men should be able to take an active role in the selection process of their mate. I find that sometimes when a guy doesn’t want to deal with a trait or a flaw that a woman brings into the relationship, he’s frowned upon or he’s being a jerk. However, I would argue that relationships are hard work and you should WANT to be in the relationship. You shouldn’t be forced to be in a relationship because skipping out on a unwanted relationship makes you a bad man. To me, it all goes back to self-respect. It’s not you saying you’re better than someone, it’s you saying that you’re worth more than what you’re currently being offered...

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I Make Me Want To Be a Better Man, Not You

The other day I was watching the movie "As Good as It Gets" with Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt. There is a scene in the movie where Nicholson says to Helen Hunt "you make me want to be a better man.” I sat there nodding in agreement at the statement at first, but then I really began to think about it. Then I realized that although it may be one of the coldest lines a man could ever say to a woman, it just may be one of the most BS statements that we can make about our own self inventory and growth.  Many of us believe that a certain person will make us want to be a certain way or live a “good” life, or change and want to settle down, but that may be the farthest thing from the truth. The idea of the right man or woman is NOT going to make you be a better person, but it is only half of the story. How many times have we heard someone say ”she made me want to be a better man”?

Comments like this have been a pinnacle for some people to want to take their life in a different direction. People will say they won’t won’t be into drugs, won't be into a lot of women or men, won't be filled with anger, etc. And many people do find someone who makes things click in their lives. While I am not saying that people can not influence your life for the better, there has to be a point where a person has to grow ON THEIR OWN to be a different type of person. Are you even working to become a better person or waiting for someone to inspire you? When people propagate that a person has to come into their life and change them, it takes away all the personal accountability and personal development of that singular person. It makes it a cop-out situation where someone can always say “I mean no one has come into my life to want me to change my life.” We are all effected by those around us for good or bad, but there has to be change or desire to change oneself. Only YOU can make you better. A man or woman can only complement you and accentuate you, but the only way that you can become a better person is by taking self accountability and battling with the biggest enemy you have: YOURSELF. If you are changing for the sake of someone else, you are not evolving. 

Love is the most powerful thing in the world and it can change the world we see around us dramatically, but sometimes it doesn’t matter if we see all the love around us if we don’t embrace it ourselves. There isn’t a magical person who is going to be around and love us and then poof we want to be a better person. Like I have said before, a person will never be able to accept love until they love themselves. Yes a person can make us change, but the biggest point is that we understand that we need to make for us first. So if you think becoming a better is determined by meeting the right person, I’m sorry to tell you that you'll probably be waiting for this person to come into your life until a cow can actually jump over the moon.

What will the change be for if it's just for the other person? What if the person who made you change somehow fails you? Will you continue to be the better person? Is it all contingent on them? Will you go back to being that other person just because the person you believed in failed you? We all make changes in relationships for the better (sometimes for the worse) and it can be a beautiful thing, but to put everything into the belief that only a person can change your life? The change comes first from within yourself, and is fueled through the relationship to take who you are to higher heights. Someone can love you and make you better, BUT at the end of the day you have to want to be better regardless of how much the other person may want you to. That’s the only way one can evolve, and as a bastard turned right, it's a lesson I'm learning everyday...

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