Is He Over Her? Part 2

More signs that he may or may not be over her...

You walk into his home and you notice pictures of his dog, his parents and his friends, but no pictures of the ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. This one is a big deal because if he wasn't over her, he'd display pictures without even thinking about why.

The two of you are having a conversation. All of a sudden, he utters her name instead of yours. When he mixes up your name with hers it means he still thinking about her on subconscious level.

 

The two of you are happy to set off on a new adventure every couple of weeks or so. This is a good sign because it means he's ready to create new memories with you.

 

He just compared you to his ex...again. This time, he said she wore her hair down more than you do. Beware of this guy.....he's not over her.

 

You and your boyfriend are out to dinner or spending a day away together. He brings up the fact that he wants to do this again in a couple of months. You're in the clear because he's focused as to where the relationship is headed.

 

If he calls you first to tell you that he got the raise, you are in a good place with your new man. However, if he calls his ex first then you may need to rethink if he's ready to date yet.

 

He's out with his friends, having fun and meeting new people without hesitation. This is a good sign that he's well over his ex.

 

Your guy reacts with strong emotion every time he utters his ex's name. This is a strong indication that he isn't over her because if he was, he wouldn't show any emotion when he mentions her name. 

 

Does he take you to meet his family? In a man's relationship book, taking you to his parent's house is a major step toward him showing the world that he's interested in you and only you.

 

Does he text his ex often during the day? This can point to a guy who's not over her, especially if he tries to hide the text messages from you.

 

One surefire way to tell if your boyfriend is over his ex: he doesn't show any reaction when he finds out she's with someone new.

 

Does he drop her name in what seems like every other conversation the two of you have? This could point to the fact that he's not quite over his ex.

 

Finally ladies, if you have doubts about whether your new guy is over his ex, look to how long ago they broke up. Five to eight months is a proper time frame for single guys to get over their ex. Married guys should take substantially longer...

 

Is He Over Her?

Do you ever get the feeling that there are three people in your relationship: you, your guy, and his ex? Does he still talk or email her often? Does he hold an unhealthy grudge, or seems pre-occupied with what she is doing now? If any of these scenarios sound familiar, it may mean that he hasn't completely let go yet. So, how can you tell that he is not really over his ex?

1. He wasted no time before jumping into his next relationship. If you started dating this guy shortly after his latest breakup, there's a good chance that hes not completely over his ex, no matter what he says. There are hopes and dreams we have when we get into  a relationship that we lose when we lose that relationship. It takes some time to get over those things. Men often avoid the grieving process that follows a breakup, even though it can be instrumental in helping them assess the relationship and move on. You want to be sure he can talk about it, that he can analyze it a little bit, and can say what went wrong and what went right, and what part he played in what went wrong. If he isn't quite there, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. It just means you need to understand that he still has some processing to do, and he's going to do some of it with you.

2. He fell for you before his relationship ended. These are men like John Edwards and Tiger Woods, who tell you their previous relationships were over or broken, but they still go home to their wives or girlfriends. It sounds obvious, but these guys are bad news. It doesn't matter if he says the relationship is bad, he has a cheating mentality, and if he cheats on her, then he probably wouldn't have a problem with cheating on you. Even if he does eventually leave his wife or girlfriend (and that's a big if), and you're willing to give it  a go with this guy, he literally hasn't had any time to process the demise of that previous relationship, so you could run into the same problems as in #1 above. Bottom line, this is probably not someone you want to be with.

3. He can't break the string. There are plenty of reasons a guy may stay in touch with his ex, and they aren't necessarily all bad. If they have kids in common, they have to be in contact. If they were together for a long, long time, there's also some reason for contact. But if neither situation applies, and he still won't stop talking to his ex, you should initiate a conversation about her...carefully. What you don't want to do is set yourself up against his ex. Talk to him about his relationship with his ex, and what he thinks he can do better or differently in your relationship. Offer to reach out to the ex yourself, but if he's not up for that, and if he doesn't seem compelled to change anything about the current situation, even if it's making you uncomfortable...that's a major red flag. Slow the relationship down immediately in those circumstances. I would say, "I can't go further if you're going to have a relationship with somebody that has to be behind my back".

4. He obsesses over the remnants of the relationship. If he's always checking her Facebook or Twitter profile, or you catch him poring over old pictures, you could also have a problem. He's not finished, and he hasn't done his grieving. You have to understand that if you stay in a relationship with him, you're going to be part of that grieving process. When you're in a relationship, you talk about just about everything. Whether it's work, friends or family, there's always something to discuss over dinner, and past relationships should be no different. Let him know you're open to talking about his exes. Discussing this relationship could help him work through his feelings and move forward...and may even bring the two of you closer together.

If your guy hasn't completely let go of his ex, proceed with caution, but know that your relationship isn't necessarily a lost cause. He may want to be with you, but needs just a bit more time to deal with his breakup. The key to making it work is both of you being willing to talk openly about his old relationship and his feelings about his ex. And if, when all is said and done, he just can't let go, you may have to be the one who moves on...

Just a Little Advice...

A relationship should feel good to both the man and the woman. The man wants to feel comfortable with the woman he has selected. He doesn't want to feel put upon or pressured in the beginning. If he feels pressured, he'll look elsewhere for peace. If it is to work, he should be allowed to be himself at any given time. The relationship should feel as comfortable and as natural to him as blinking.
The woman should feel relaxed in the presence of her man. She shouldn't feel that she have to hide anything from the relationship. When she's comfortable with him she can workout and not feel ashamed because she's sweaty and needs to take a shower. She can eat in front of him, or choose not to talk to him at all if she likes. If she wants, she can lay up all day quietly in his presence and still feel that everything is okay. A woman will have no problem being herself or acting like herself when she's comfortable with her man. No fronts, or no false ideas of what a woman should be while with her man. She feels sure, alive, and happy, and men should want their women to be this way!
A woman should be able to give her man a fair shot at making the relationship work. It's difficult for a woman to become familiar and understand him and if she keeps running back to her past relationships or taking advice from other people. Give the relationship a fair chance to work! Both should be able to stay and work things out when there are problems in the relationship. It's easy for a woman to run to another person when things are happening in the relationship that make her angry. You should not allow others to interfere when you're having problems in the relationship that you're trying to keep solid. Give the relationship a reasonable amount of time to work.
Women are trying to make the relationship work by pushing, and pushing, and pushing. My advice to women everywhere is "don't sweat it". When a woman tries to force a relationship to happen it just doesn't work, plain and simple. You gotta learn to give him "time and room", and if it doesn't work in that "time and room", then take your "time" to leave his "room"!

Inside the Mind of the Cheating Man

A man, given the opportunity, will be confronted with an opportunity to cheat. I have been in that scenario before, and I've failed miserably. This is from a man's viewpoint the excuses men have in their mind for cheating...

1. She ain’t what she used to be.Like Adam, the typical man can’t resist the temptation of riper fruit, especially if the woman in his life has let herself go. If she got lazy or gained weight or just doesn’t take care of herself, a guy will start looking at other women. Women who want to keep their men on a short leash need to take a good, hard look in the mirror, and men should do the same. He might be a complete slob and still be demanding perfection from her. It’s the typical double standard. For their part, guys should also make an effort to rediscover the spark at home. All the evidence shows that when women feel safe and connected, you’re better at taking care of your partner.

2. No one loves a ball buster.Perhaps nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging woman. A woman didn't do something that excuses cheating. So whatever the relationship dynamic, it’s not healthy to begin with if it leads to infidelity.

3. She just doesn’t “get” me.Men who cheat say they don’t feel understood by their mate. But it’s not always the woman. Mostly they’re either angry or afraid to connect. It’s easier for men to go outside the relationship than work it out with their partner. I see this triangulation a lot. A deep-seated fear of intimacy can be hard for some guys to overcome. And they’re more likely to cheat again, especially if they don’t go to couples therapy.

4. It’s the thrill.Most guys who have affairs are getting in touch with their inner caveman: They like to play with fire, it adds a level of danger, and danger adds to the excitement. By keeping surprise and sizzle in your sex life, a woman can keep the home fires burning so hot that her man won’t have any reason to cheat. But that's not the whole story, men also cheat because of fear, loneliness or anger. The betraying partner's failure to deal with these feelings is what causes him to be unfaithful.

5. Blame it on the “hunter.”Often, married men who cheat can’t quite explain their motivation. They just find themselves compelled to bust out of their day-to-day routine in search of something new. It’s a primitive instinct that dates back to their role as hunter and gatherer, only this time they’re hunting and gathering new women. Ladies, you can protect themselves by getting wise to this behavior early in the relationship, and getting out. You can find out more about a man’s dating history by watching how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women (one of the best tests there is out there). If you can’t rein him in when your romance is new, you’ll never control him down the road when your life together is more settled.

6. Biology, baby.It’s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible. Once we’ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. It doesn’t matter who you are, we've become accustomed to your body and want to experience something different – different lips, different body types. We’re only monogamous because we realize that love and friendship are more important than having sex with strangers. Whether it’s evolution, biology or simple novelty, infidelity researchers agree that men do seek different sex partners. However, the decision whether to cheat is entirely in a man’s control. Most men don’t act on those desires because they don’t want to jeopardize social reputations or marriages.

7. It’s just sex.For most guys, sex and love are two entirely different things. Some men (and I was one of them)really believe, we could still love our wives and want to have sex with other women. We separate it in our brains. That rationale allows guys to cheat guilt-free, with one notable exception: Any guilt that a man has after sex isn’t about the sex itself, it’s about the consequences...Will she be a stalker? Will my wife find out?

Finally, let me close by saying this. If a guy is in a committed, monogamous relationship, he should ask himself one question before he cheats: Is it worth it? He should consider the worst-case scenario, meaning that his wife or significant other finds out and is now brokenhearted. Is it worth it? Thanks to the Internet, it’s easier for men to cheat anytime, anywhere…while they’re watching TV or on the laptop in bed next to their sleeping wives. I'm not just talking about the physical act either, cheating is defined as anything that breaches a relationship contract. That includes sexy communication and flirting that’s kept secret from your partner.

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When Men Pull Away From The Relationship Pt. 2

A good, solid man with proper principles and values will not stray if given his freedom. He will appreciate that you as a woman respect his need for space and time on his own, hanging out with the guys and doing other manly things. However if you try to restrict him, he will resent it and continually try to break out of your grasp and may go so far as to leave you entirely. What you can do when he does this "withdrawal" is
1: Let him have his space and give him time without ditching him entirely. He still needs your care and concern, but he needs some time on his own. A good idea would be to ask him HOW is he doing and not WHAT is he doing.
2: When he comes back to you, take him back and act as you would normally. This will show him that you care enough to give him his freedom without withdrawing your love. This part is incredibly difficult for most women as you will most likely feel hurt and sad that he is not paying attention to you. Try to tell yourself that its not that he doesn't care, but he doesn't know how he is making you feel. It is an instinct in him and trying to change it will only make things worse.
3: Ask yourself, do you want to be in a relationship with a man, or a woman? Withdrawing from you doesn't drive him up the wall like it does you simply because men and women are wired to think differently. Giving him his space will allow him to better himself and make improvements. Its one of the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place.Time on his own is as precious to him as time with you.

Disclaimer: Receiving a man back openly with love doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be happy or pretend that you are NOT hurt. It just means that you aren’t "closed off" to him by punishing him for his pulling away. You can tell him you feel hurt, and this could still be loving him because you are open to him. On the other hand, there are men who are simply selfish. Most men, when they are in a relationship, DO care but they just don’t understand how their actions hurt YOU. And if you simply PUNISH him rather than at least remain open to him; he’s not going to get the hint even though you’re trying to give him the hint. So, whether a man is selfish or simply being a male is a whole other topic, which is perhaps a separate blog in itself for another day... 

When Men Pull Away From The Relationship

Its happened to you before, and it might happen to you again unless you do something about it. The guy you're dating suddenly gives you the cold shoulder. He suddenly stops texting or calling and seems to be aloof and distant when you make the effort. All you want to know is why does he seem to be pulling away? You see, men pull away in relationships for a number of reasons and today I'm going to reveal them to you!

Reason 1: Men and women are wired differently - Not only are our biological impulses and physical attributes different, but our brains are wired to value, think and believe in different ways. In some ways, they complement each other and that is where attraction happens. But other times, men and women just don't see eye to eye and that is where conflict happens. To a woman, some things may seem trivial and not worth caring about, but to a man, it may offend his values or annoy his person. The same goes for men. Sometimes, it may be a small, tiny and insignificant thing but a woman can just blow up about it and this leads to disaster.

Reason 2: He doesn't feel masculine in the relationship - One of the first things that attracted you to a man was his masculinity. The way he moved, talked, acted and thought exuded testosterone and that made you attracted to him. But the thing about society is that no one taught you how to understand why men act the way they do and when they do something that you are not familiar with, you get hurt, confused and worried. Women act that way because men want to feel like men. When men engage a woman emotionally, they truly embrace and enjoy the experience. Most men have lofty goals or big dreams and working towards those goals and dreams make us feel alive, masculine and manly. Most men are happy to be in a lovey dovey state, but they have to have breaks in order to keep in line with their goals. That is not to say that they do not want you, but rather they want to create something for themselves, so that they can be proud of their achievements. Pride is something a man values highly.

Reason 3: There is science behind it - When people come together to bond, a hormone called Oxytocin is released into the body. This hormone lowers a woman's stress levels, but in men, it lowers their testosterone levels which in turn raises his stress levels. Too much closeness can cause a man to feel suffocated and pressured (ladies, insert your laughter here). Men usually have a cycle of bonding then pulling away in order to regain their testosterone levels and making themselves feel more reassured about themselves.

Reason 4: Men want to be free - Did you know that most movies depicting men choosing to die free rather than live in captivity were made based on true stories? Men throughout the ages have always resisted being placed into captivity. To place restrictions on a man's freedom is almost like cutting off his legs. Men who pull away or say that they're not ready to commit are attracted to you and do love you, but they feel that you might put restraints on his freedom and prevent him from living his own life. The funny thing is, the problem only arises if you as a woman try to prevent him from having his freedom!

Tomorrow I will give you part 2 instructing you in what to do if he does decide to pull away...

Have Some Fun Why Don't 'Cha...

Any relationship is going to go through its share of ups and downs, but if you follow some of the best tips for having fun as a part of your relationship you will have much more ups than downs. Keep in mind that these are not ways for you to save your relationship, but instead ways that you can have fun in your relationship and not allow it to get to the point of needing to be saved. Do you want your relationship bad enough to consider all of the tips?

Here are the 3 best tips for having fun as a part of your relationship:

Laugh At Each Other- this is not to say that you need to make fun of each other and belittle your partner. When you make a mistake or forget something small during the day have a good laugh and don’t forget that life is so simple and short.

 

Act Like A Kid Sometimes- we all have a tendency to think that when we get old we are supposed to stop acting careless every now and then. Go play some putt-putt or ride the bumper cars every now and then, add some fun as a part of your relationship.

 

Act Like You Just Met- when looking at the best tips for having fun as a part of your relationship this may be the best. Every now and again when you go out to dinner or a movie act as if you know nothing about each other. You will likely learn something new and might just forget your petty differences for a little while.

 

I take pleasure in having fun since I'm such a "wild and craaaazy guy" (cue my Steve Martin impression). One great lesson I learned is if you take your relationship too seriously, you'll forget about the times when the funniest moments lasted all day. Don't be so deep, it just might bring your partner down...

The Build-a-Bear Relationship

Relationships nowadays remind me of the Build-a-Bear process, and if you're not familiar with the way that Build-a-Bear works, let me explain the similarities...

You choose them - Like any relationship it starts with liking what you see.
 
You hear them - You're drawn by what they say.

You stuff them - The process of giving them your views and beliefs.

You stitch them - With surgeon like precision, you heal their wounds.

You fluff them - Fill them with compliments, affirmation, and positive talk.

You name them - You give them the "title" of boyfriend or girlfriend.

You dress them - The way others see them has to be to your liking.
 
You take them home - Finally, you show them off after the process.

The mistake most people (including myself) have made either now or in the past, was inverting the order of the building process, and sometimes skipping a step or two (or be honest, maybe three). When this happens, you don't know how they'll come out, or clearly know who you've even committed your heart to. So before you start building your bear, get some kind of order for the process and STICK TO IT! You can't take someone home based only on what you hear, and you can't name them without choosing them first. Don't invert the plan, follow through each step and your bear will be loved for a long time...
 

Open for Business

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Those who refuse to listen to the lesson that wisdom teaches, will eventually learn the lesson of not listening...

It was said that the best thing you could ever do for someone is offer them some free advise...and so for a limited time, that is exactly what I am going to do.

I will admit, not everyone out there has your best advise interest at heart. What makes my interest better than the avarage Joe is that I don't want you to make the same relationship mistakes that I did. So I'm determined to change the mindset of men and women when it comes to relationships, one person at a time. I do take my consulting services seriously, so you can consider me to be the unscripted version of Will Smith's character in "Hitch", with maybe a little more reality and definitely a lot more work. I will make your matters of the heart MY matters of the heart absolutely free, for a limited time. All I ask is that you be open to some of my very real answers to some of your very real questions.

If you've read excerpts from any blog I've written so far, you already know my story...now I'd like to know yours. So get ready for some real relationship talk, call me...773-888-2716.

What I Learned From 52 Years of Marriage

Today my parents are celebrating 52 years of marriage. I have been privileged enough to have been around to see 46 of those 52 years. As a kid I had my view (sometimes biased of course) of who they were to me, but as an adult, these are a few of what I've learned about relationships from them...

Love is a start, but you need more in order to finish. I've had my share of relationships and love may have been a common ground, but when the ground starts to "shake" you need to know how to survive. My parents have been survivors, and it has amazed me how through the years tragedy and misfortune and just life in general has forged them closer.

Be the gentleMAN. I have seen my father completely DO for my mother, and it has rubbed off on me and my two brothers as well. Having a romantic sensibility, loving well, acting chivalrous, keeping your word, staying humble, offering your seat, opening doors...I could go on, but I hope you get the point.

Submission is not just for wives. As much as my father knows to do, there are times that he will completely yield to my mother. The word submission doesn't mean "do as I say", as many have stereotype it to be. It actually means "to line up under", and at the end of the day it doesn't matter who came up with the idea as long as the idea gets done. Men, don't expect submission if you can't submit yourself. That's is, that's all.

Now you may read this and say to yourself, "what lessons can I find in this?" I can find plenty but my hope is whether you had both parents in your life or not, the biggest lesson is appreciating the lost art of ENDURANCE. I feel I am one of the luckiest people on planet earth to have had this type of teaching in front of me. Even in my failed marriages, there were still lessons to learn and I will always appreciate John & Samella Randle for showing them to me...

Bastardology

Bastardology...the study of all types of bastards and their devious qualities (rat bastards, useless bastards, cheap bastards, etc.).

Anonymous E-mailer: Why are all men selfish, disrespectful, ignorant bastards??! They're so nice when they want something then they discard you like a piece of trash. They can be the best boyfriend ever, but won't think twice about dumping you for another woman and flaunting her in front of your face. Why do us women get emotionally attached while men just cut all ties, see ya later and you don't hear from them ever again? How can men just forget all the good times as well as the bad that they have with a girl, move on to the next without a second thought, and then when you see them in the street they just walk on by like a complete stranger? Do they not have a conscience??? I know you will tell me that there are good men out there, and I know there are, but they are very few and far between. I'm 29 and still looking for Mr Right but Ive had my heartbroken so many times. Why are all men so nasty?

I like to study bastardology to prepare myself for all of my potential encounters with bastards. As a former bastard myself, I've exhausted countless ways to bring the bastard like behavior to light. If I had it my way, I would love it if every bastard was exposed to keep women from being heartbroken. Unfortunately, I have come to find out that for every one that is exposed, two more creep deeper into obscurity only to come back up when the unsuspected heart is open for the taking. What will make my job a little easier is to deputize a few more people out there who can study a bastard or two. I would like to set up a formal study on bastardology and gather input on what you believe a bastard may consist of. In the meantime, let me give you a few takes on what I think one may be...

• A bastard becomes more short-tempered because of the guilty feelings as a result of the infidelity. Things that usually did not bother them suddenly start bothering them.  
• Behavioral changes. A bastard frequently becomes defensive when questioned about his whereabouts. He may turn it around to accuse you of being insecure, possessive or snoopy. 
• A bastard does not care much about their appearance unless they are trying to impress a new woman. Is your man suddenly caring more about what he wears and taking personal attention to his hygiene?

I'd be curious to know what your views on being a bastard are. Feel free to comment, and we can study bastardology together!

Frustrated Much?

You can expect to experience frustration at some point in any relationship. When you feel frustrated, it's tempting -- but also damaging -- to take your negative emotions out on your partner. Learn how to deal effectively with frustration and enjoy a happier, calmer life and relationship.

Stop frustration before it starts. Arrange your thoughts and get a strong hold on a clear perspective before you begin interacting with your partner. Never approach your partner at the height of your frustration. Practice breathing and stress-reduction techniques. When you feel yourself becoming frustrated, close your eyes, breathe deeply and calm yourself.

Make a habit of asking yourself "Will this be important next week?" when you become frustrated. If the answer is "No," you should feel your frustration deflate and be able to calm down.
Laugh. Nothing defuses a situation like humor. Tell your partner to make a silly face when he or she notices you're getting frustrated. The sight may make you laugh and calm down.

 

Ask yourself why you are frustrated. Avoid blaming it on the nearest person or the situation that's freshest in your mind. Be honest with yourself.

 

Pinpoint the exact source of your frustration. Don't personalize it. Don't tell your partner, "You are so frustrating." Instead, tell them "It frustrates me when you don't call before leaving work."

 

Don't let your frustration cause you to make a laundry list of unrelated grievances. If you are frustrated with your partner for forgetting something you discussed earlier, focus on that. Avoid getting off the subject and you can more effectively address the source of your frustration.

 

Ask yourself how your behavior could help ease your frustration. If for example your partner consistently forgets to load the dishwasher, resolve to simply do it yourself or put up a little sign beside the toothbrush to remind them. Pick your battles, because the wars will pick you.

 

Get active. Sweat out the frustration, especially if you know it's trivial. Small daily frustrations are normal and don't have to be a big deal. When you feel yourself becoming too frustrated to communicate effectively, go for a run, or hit the golf ball, or hit the gym and pump some iron.

 

Ask your friends and family to help you identify traits you need to work on. For example, if you are naturally impatient, you're probably more prone to frustration. Work on being more patient, less quick to judge and more understanding.

 

Remember that your relationship is important to you. You're half of it and therefore half responsible for whether its healthy and successful or not. Put your relationship ahead of your desire to make a snarky comment or pick a fight.

 

Focus on fixing thte situation and keeping your relationship healthy. Visualize the outcome you want and set your sights on getting there. Accept that there will be pitfalls along the way. Stay positive and upbeat. Don't let your frustrations come bettween you and your partner, or change your relationship. Don't allow yourself to consider the possibility that the problem can't be fixed.

 

Call Me Crazy, But Men Know...

There is a theory that I have, and I have to share it with you. Men know who they want to marry (I know, there's no secret in that), but the theory is this. Men know the woman they want to marry within three weeks of meeting them and going out with them. Its not rocket science, no slide ruler, no fuzzy math to explain, and the world will not end once I tell you how and why.

I'm not saying that he should marry you by the third week of the relationship, but women mostly will show a man the basics to determine if it is worth continuing the relationship. Men base this decision off of three things: Fight, Future and Feelings.

1) Can I fight for her? Every man wants a woman he can fight for...anytime and anyplace. That is who we are in our bones, our DNA oozes the fighter spirit. Call it the inner caveman in us, but we are defenders ready to fight for it, fight over it, or fight to keep it. Men don't always want to solve it, but knowing that you don't mind yielding to it makes it all worth the ride. We want to be men, and some women won't allow us to be the men which includes fighting for her. Independence aside, if you don't show you need us...then why fight for it?

2) Do I see a real future with her? Some people in our lives are just for the moment, but before you get to see his mountain top, does he see himself with you traveling through his valley in order to get there. The future is THE decision, but it doesn't take that much time. Women reveal what the future may bring through the support and demeanor they show in the present. You can make the future brighter by showing what you can offer besides what he can immediately see. Looks will fade, but its the personality that lingers.

3) Are my feelings about her temporary? You know its real when the absolute worst thing that can happen comes about, and he doesn't run. If his lowest moment doesn't drive him into a cave like Bin Laden, but brings him out to show you who he really is made of...congratulations, those feelings aren't going anywhere. If instead of pushing you away, he brings you closer by revealing the good, the bad, and the ugly in his life...what he feels is real! A temporary feeling will never produce permanent results. A man who is comfortable with the woman he's with isn't afraid to show himself, flaws and all.

Now I will admit, that men don't always have the best exit strategy when it comes to knowing the one they're with doesn't fit the plan after three weeks of seeing them. I on the other hand, feel its a waste of time when you know the one you're seeing isn't in any future plans. Its also unfair to the woman knowing she doesn't fit in the future and they get strung along. The next thing is to find out why men do what they do instead of just being honest and up front. That unfortunately is for another blog at another time...

Relationship Warning Signs

Sorry, but if he's not calling you, it's not because all of his fingers were chopped off in a freak text messaging accident, or he's lying in a coma somewhere. It's because he doesn't like you, or doesn't like you enough to call you. Oftentimes I get asked about red flags in dating and relationships. From personal experience and those of so many people I know, I have compiled a few warning signals to watch out for and how to deal with them. As always, there are exceptions but I am never the exception, and probably, neither are you.

1. He talks about his ex frequently. It's fine to bring up the ex once in a while under very neutral contexts, e.g., "My ex has the kids this week." But talking incessantly about prior relationships is tacky and might also imply that there are still some unresolved issues lingering in his head, whether it's rage, resentment or doubt. This rule applies to you too. Do not mention your previous love life and its contents, that includes pet names and restraining orders. In the beginning of a relationship, each party should ideally have a clean slate and be on their best behavior, instead of showcasing their baggage like a badge of honor.

2. He tells you he's not ready for a relationship. I can't believe how many times I've heard women dismiss this statement and continue pursuing unavailable men. These guys will flat out tell you that they don't want to commit to you, but here you are, baking them cookies, enjoying naked sleepovers and gushing to all your girlfriends about what a catch he is. Because, "once he sees how great you are, he will surely commit. If this is you, please find someone to slap you back into reality. The truth is-- he doesn't want a relationship (it's the same as not being ready for one), even with someone as delightful and wonderful as you. And you shouldn't waste your time trying to convince him otherwise, because his mind is already set. Bake cookies for someone who cares about you--like that friend who slaps you into back into reality (and not the one who tells you that he'll come around, eventually).

 3. He wants to get into a relationship immediately. Refusing to commit to you is not a good thing, but neither is moving into a relationship at lightning speed. Relax, you aren't Benjamin Button. You don't have five minutes to fall in love and have babies. If your man tells you he loves you or wants to commit to you during or shortly after the first date, something is up. (Unless of course, you do too, and it's love at first sight for both of you). Relationships can only succeed when there is a foundation to base it upon, such as common interests and experiences. Just because you both order the Caesar salad, doesn't make you compatible.
 
4. He still hasn't asked you out. This should be a given, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard people texting or chatting for months and months before any attempt at physical contact is made. If you're seeking mild flirtation or a virtual relationship, texting is fine-but if you want something more, then he needs to make a move in real life. If you're at a point where you don't want to wait anymore, stop waiting. You shouldn't have to force someone to ask you out.

5. He doesn't let you go near his phone. This is also a given, in my opinion. But I have firsthand witnessed relationships in which phones are private property, locked and guarded with military-like defense systems. If your partner has issues about letting you see his phone, then chances are, he's hiding something sketchy. The mere fact that he turns all Batman-like on you the moment you go near it should be a big clue. I'm not saying that couples need to share passwords or answer each other's phones, but you shouldn't ever feel like he's keeping something important from you either. If you feel weird about something, tell him. Maybe he's got a great excuse, like he's in the CIA or running from the mob. It's way better than finding those naked pictures of his ex later on.

6. He doesn't give you butterflies. He may have a great career, a nice apartment with hardwood floors, a humanitarian heart and killer abs, but if he doesn't make your heart all warm and fuzzy, he's not it. Chemistry isn't instant sometimes, it can be discovered gradually, like in these situations. But, after a certain point, you will know if that spark is missing. And if that's the case, be gentle and kind. After all, wouldn't you want to be let down just as easy if someone just wasn't that into you?
 

What Men Learn About Love From Their Mothers

You can always tell if a man loves you by watching his relationship with his mother. I asked this men question while traveling through Indianapolis, Louisville and Nashville, and they responded. Hear what they had to say about what they learned about love watching and listening to their mothers.

 “I grew up without a father, so I spent a lot of time with my mom. I learned that love is about being caring and nurturing and sensitive. Love is selfless.”
-Deion, 26, Brooklyn, N.Y.

"Before you are capable of truly loving anyone, you must first love yourself."
-Steven, 41, Boston, MA.

“My mom argues with my dad all the time, but they have been married for 35 years and are still madly in love. I’ve learned that love isn’t always perfect. Getting in passionate arguments with someone can be a sign of passionate love—you feel completely yourself around them and feel comfortable expressing exactly how you feel.”
-Allan, 29, Miami, FL.

"Unconditional love is one of the most positive forms of love there is."
-Zach 35, New York City, NY.

“Even though my mother never gets mushy, she is not afraid of being evident in her dedication to another person. I think I got some of that attitude.”
-Patrick, 27, Louisville, KY.

"My mom always told me to show those I love that I care. Send flowers, never forget birthdays and send little messages. It's the little acts of kindness that count."
-James, 31, Chicago, IL.

“Watching my mom’s relationship with my dad taught me what love should not be. The love my parents have is not the love that I want.”
-Todd, 36, New York City, NY.

“She taught me that love means never having to say thank you—but saying it anyway.”
-Aaron, 18, Detroit, MI.

“When you meet the right person, it won’t always be ‘easy,’ but the other important parts of your life won’t suffer at the cost of that relationship.”
-Dan, 21, Chicago, IL.

The 5 Things NOT To Say To a Woman Over 30

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Be careful how you word it, so you won't regret how they heard it...

Have you ever heard of the phrase "its not what you say, but how you say it"? Well, I'm here today to tell you that its both! Men, in order to avoid being slapped, having a drink thrown in your face, or even worse, I present to you the top 5 things not to say to a woman over 30. Have fun with it...

#5 Ah, the big 3-0! - Turning 30 is a milestone for women for absolutely no good reason. It’s like April 15th for taxes; a seemingly arbitrary date that makes you take stock of all that you have, all that you’ve done, all that you are, and all that you ever hope to be. It’s serious stuff and super annoying at the same time, but men don't you say it! .

#4 "Women are like fine wine" - Any silly jokes or comparisons to fine wine are outlawed. Turning this age isn’t the same as 21; They don’t feel cool, in fact any comparisons to fine wine and women like Angelina Jolie who are "still hot in their 30s" simply don’t work. Not only is she, and other celebrities like her super-human, but most of them have already been married (at least once) and probably have enough kids to field a basketball team.

#3 Is that your biological clock I hear ticking?" - Just do yourself a favor and don’t mention the biological clock. Women will tell you they aren’t thinking about it, but I’m here to tell you that they are. Every single woman (married, single, gay and straight) have "the talk" with their doctors.  Theye’re either ignoring it or obsessing over it, or a combination of them both. Since babies are on the brain, it’s a good idea not to nervously ask, "so, did you think you’d be married by now?" Save your breath, the answer is yes. One woman was in complete denial that she even wanted to get engaged until her now-fiance teased her about it, and she got all huffy and exasperated. She was lucky he had already bought the ring!

#2 "You should really start taking care of yourself" - Don’t suddenly tell women they should really start taking care of themselves, like somehow eating poorly at 29 was acceptable because they were so young, but now being 30 means their metabolism is shot and going to hell. Women do know how to take care of themselves. They made it to 30, haven’t they? Enough said.

#1 "Aren't you too old for that?" - Over the past few years, I’ve discovered there are very few things a 29-year-old can do that a 30-year-old can’t. One thing that comes to mind is a 30-year-old can’t blame her naivete for bad decisions with men, career or fashion, as they once did in their 20s. For example, turning 30 makes some women strangely suspect of short skirts. They'll suddenly start analyzing what hem lengths are appropriate in their "old" age. If you ask most women over 30 to reflect back, they don’t miss anything about their 20s. Not even the shortest of skirts. The bad jobs, bad dates, bad apartments, the never-ending hustle to pave a way in a career defined in their 20s. All of that seemed glamorous for about 2.5 seconds.

I'm leaving Nashville (mission accomplished), and I'm heading back to Chicago. I'll type you later... 

Tips For The Women (but help for the men)

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Men have NO idea how long something they either say or do can stay inside a woman's mind...

Yesterday's tips for the men helped the women, so hopefully today's tips for the women will help the men! Let's see what happens...

He does look at other women - Not because he wants to cheat, but because men are visually stimulated. Getting mad at him for looking is just going to make him sneak a peek. Hey, it's just a passing glance. It's not like you don't check guys out too!

 

He needs time away from you - Men need time to reflect, socialize and just get away from it all. Men like the time to regroup. It doesn't mean that they don't want to be with you, it is just an escape to appreciate what they have at home. So while he's out of the house, take that time to go out with your girlfriends or do something you enjoy.

He just doesn't feel like being bothered sometimes - You've probably asked him to do something several times, but yet he still doesn't do it in a timely manner. In frustration, you do it yourself. What is he thinking? "Thank Goodness!" Men do things at their own pace. Unlike women, men are not good at multi-tasking. You can ask your man to take out the trash and 3 hours later, it's still there. Technically, he still has time to take out the trash because n his mind, the trash isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

 

Yes, he is thinking about sex - Your man has a far away look in his eyes. He seems distant. He was thinking about sex. He can't help it, he thinks about it several times a day. Wouldn't you prefer that he thinks about it several times a day rather than having sex several times a day?

 

When his voice goes high, or he answers a question with the same question, he's thinking of a lie- If you ask your man, "what did you do today?' and he replies "what did I do today?" he's probably thinking of lie. It doesn't mean that he did something inappropriate, just something you wouldn't approve of. Maybe, he left work early to hang out with the guys. If he told you this, you'd be upset because you had a long day at work or were at home with the kids. The problem is he was having too much fun to think about if you would ask him that question, so he didn't plan a lie beforehand.

Nothing is wrong, so stop asking him - Admit it, you see your man sitting quietly and you naturally assume something is wrong or has happened. So you ask, "what's wrong?" and he replies, "nothing, I'm just thinking." Well, this answer doesn't satisfy you, so you ask again throughout the day, which leads to his frustration. Men reflect too! He was probably thinking about how he wants to change careers, if you are satisfied and happy with him, how he can make more money, how he doesn't want to grow old and fat, or how he would really like to buy a new car or motorcycle. Ask him once, and then leave it alone. If you really sense something is wrong, give him some time and talk to him when you both feel like talking.

Sometimes, he needs to solve his problems alone - Most men conquer more than they vent, and most women vent before they conquer. We just solve problems differently. For example, you tell your guy about your horrible experience at work. You want him to comfort and console you; instead he gives you logical facts about how to solve the problem. You feel cheated. You want to share your feelings about the day and all he wanted to do was fix the problem. Men like to offer solutions. Most men are not concerned about being in touch with their feelings when there's a conflict. You want to feel understood; he wants to make the problem go away. He can't relate to how you are feeling, so he does what he knows best, helps you to plan a solution.

 

He Wants to Feel Successful - A man needs to feel he has accomplished something in life, and often times that accomplishment is found in their jobs or careers. Men don't like to feel conflicted between work and quality time with their families. To men, if they are working hard to earn money, this will improve the quality of their family's life.

Feel free to add to it by commenting or email me at therealcakebossblog@gmail.com.

Tips For The Men (but help for the women)

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: Men have NO idea how long something they either say or do can stay inside a woman's mind...

Relationship Lessons are here to help everyone, it's for the women and for the men too. On the radio show yesterday (Relationship Lessons on BlogTalkRadio.com) a caller from New York gave me his view on how relationship shows hosted by women are bashing men, and how relationship shows hosted by men take no responsibility for their actions and bash women. Today I wanted to give men a little advise that might get you just a little further in the mind of women. It may be things you may already know and practice on the regular, or it may be a subtle reminder to remember what worked for you when you were the hunter. At any rate, here goes...

Toast her - Toast each other when you sit down to dinner. It doesn't always have to be over the bubbly or wine, but a glass of water or sweet tea (since I've been in Nashville for the week). Tell her something you love about her and then drink to it!

Reach out and touch her - Use the power of touch to make a lasting impression throughout the day. There is no such thing as not having time for a kiss goodbye in the morning or again upon reuniting at the end of the day. And an inviting warm hug or back rub at the end of a stressful day is always appreciated.

Take note of significant things - Set something aside for her every day. It might be a newspaper article you read during your commute, a link to a website you came across, or even a story you heard by the office water cooler. She will appreciate that you took a moment to think of her during the course of your day.

Keep up your appearance - Let her see you at your best. It's ironic that we dress up to meet total strangers but let ourselves go around our nearest and dearest. Most women  love to see their men clean-shaven or a well trimmed beard, in great clothes and perhaps wearing a hint of her favorite cologne.

Tell her about your moods - Be honest if you are feeling stressed or under the weather. Your woman will appreciate your honesty and will know not to take it personally when you come home in a bad mood. Just make every effort possible to NOT stay in that mood just because you announced that you are feeling a little moody. 

Discuss your day - Sit down together when you get home and relate your daily experiences. The good and the bad, the highs and the lows. The best thing about spending time apart is that it makes you appreciate each other more when you come together.

If there are more tips that I missed, feel free to leave them in the comments section or at therealcakebossblog@gmail.com.