Signs He's Into You...Or Not

I tend to spend a lot of time analyzing men’s behavior, trying to decode what we think and feel (some times for you, most times for me). The truth is, most men are pretty simple to read. Here are some clues to help you.

If a man is interested in a relationship with you, he will:
• call you without being asked, prompted or nagged
• flirt with you
• enthusiastically plan and take you out on a date
• try to kiss you
• spend time with you on weekends
• want to sleep with you (but respect your boundaries when you want to wait)
• involve you in his life (tell you about his job, friends, family, etc)
• be interested in – and ask you questions about – your life
• introduce you to his friends and family
• give you his undivided attention when you’re together
• reference you when he speaks about the future (e.g. “You’ve never been to Italy? WE should plan a trip for the spring.”)

If he’s NOT really into you (seeing you as just a friend, or a hook-up) he may:
• say he’ll call, but never follow through
• hang out with you casually, but not make an effort to take you out on a proper date
• sleep with you, but not treat you like a girlfriend
• only call or text you late at night to “hook up"...sorry, I mean "hang out”
• keep you separate from the rest of his life, never talking about his job, friends or family
• show no interest in your life, keeping conversations superficial without asking you questions about yourself
• make sure his friends, co-workers and family never know about you
• get easily distracted when you’re together, even checking out, or flirting with, other women in front of you
• evade any questions about the future (YOU: “What are you up to next weekend? Wanna get together?” HIM: “Uh, hmm… I’ve got a lot going on. I’ll get back to you.” [Then he never gets back to you.])

Not every man you’re attracted to is deserving of your time, attention and energy. You especially should not give your heart to someone who has not proven that he’s interested in a meaningful relationship with you. Try to look honestly and objectively at his actions and if he’s not pursuing you the way you deserve, move on so another (more worthy) man can...

What Freaks Me (and men) Out in Relationships

I'm a man, and there are certain zones of comfort that I have about my life. Being single means that I am the master of my own domain and the sole decision maker about what happens. But a relationship changes all that. Dating is the courting process when things are still gentle and polite and we aren’t pushing too hard in any one area. We just want to see if we are a match of some sort for each other. A relationship is a whole other animal altogether. Now there are expectations on how things are supposed to be, and this is where the freaking out starts. So here is a list of all the different things women do that could freak me (and men) out in a relationship.

1. Moving too fast. Sometimes this is just communication, but if we're clear that we're not ready to move in together or other something similar and you push too hard that freaks us out. A gentle nudge is fine but don’t try to force me.

2. Having expectations that I don’t know about or understand. “I thought you understood that is what I wanted,” is a sentence men hate to hear. No, I am a man and you are a woman. We don’t understand what you want or expect if you don’t explain it to us. We will freak out.

3. If you are being too needy or clingy. This goes a little with having my own space. You can’t go from single to married twenty years without adjustments. But smothering or taking up all of our time is not good. If men feel like we don’t have time to do our stuff or have our space we will freak out. This doesn’t mean we don’t care, but people need to have a life outside of a relationship.

4. Large family gatherings or meeting lots of friends early in a relationship. Yes if the relationship ends up being long, then we need to meet. But pushing this too quickly can be a lot of pressure and awkward for men. It is like a fishbowl feeling that can easily freak us out dealing with people judging our worthiness.

5. When you try to change us. Some change is good, but that goes both ways. Personal growth and maturity are fine. But if I love football, and you think it's a silly game that has no place in our relationship then there is a problem for all mankind. When you try to change some of the stuff that I like or love just because you don’t enjoy it then it will cause some big problems.

I don’t think these concepts are really earth shattering. But then again since men and women speak different languages, sometimes clarifying things is a really good idea. I cannot stress how important it is to talk to us clearly, and then listen to what we say and how we say it...

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter:

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

Love Yourself When, There Is No One Else (Guest Blogger)

Last week I opened up the blog up to a guest writer, and today like every Tuesday, I want to do the same for those who wish to submit me relationship material. Last week you heard from a man, so for the first time I present to you the female perspective from Annetta Garrett...

The time has come in this game called life when you've poured a significant amount of time and energy into a relationship, learning the relationship playbook and your key player, when just like THAT...you’re a free agent again. It would be nice if you were sitting on the bench or even if you got traded, at least you would still be playing. Unfortunately, you’re sitting by the phone hoping you will get a call saying you’ve been picked up so you can play again. The ball is in your court, so what’s next? After all you were the MVP, (Most Valuable Partner). Now you’re on team Numero Uno, and like the song goes, "if you think you’re lonely now, wait until tonight". Now is the time for self-reflection. Get back on your game to get back into the game. And it starts with YOU! Here are five steps to loving self when there is no one else:

©      Dress up: I know, I know it sounds vain, but if you watch any makeover show and we get down to the nitty gritty...how you feel on the inside reflects on the outside. Men, wear a nice suit, put on some cologne (this drives women pheromones crazy) and demonstrate your swag. Ladies rock your stilettos, a hot dress, whatever makes you feel sexy, maybe some new Victoria Secret, and no one has to see them for you to feel sexy.

©      Spoil Yourself: Take a “Me” day and Relax, Relate, Release!! This includes going to the spa, gym, beauty salon, barbershop, your favorite place to eat or walking by the lakefront of beach.

©      Date Yourself: Go out by yourself to the movies, to eat, to have a cocktail. You didn’t think you did all that dressing up for nothing now, did you? If you don’t enjoy your own company why would anyone else.

©      Take a trip: You're a free agent. Now its time to go out and have some fun, and when you get there check in...NOT!!! You are free to explore. Plan a trip with friends, or maybe go on a girls getaway, go on a camping trip, try skiing. Get out and meet some new people because as a free agent, you have to explore your options.

©      Fulfill your dreams: Remember when you said that you couldn’t go back to school because there was too much on your plate. The last relationship failed because you just started a new business which interfered with your relationship. You said the you wouldn’t move out of the country because your boo didn’t want to go. Now you are free as a bird. Run Forrest Run after you dreams.

Remember being alone or lonely is a complete state of mind. You can be with someone and be lonely and be in a room full of people and still be alone. Take this time to revamp your playbook. The ball in your court and you can play this game however you want.

If you have a view on love and relationships that you would like to submit for a chance to be a guest blogger on Tuesdays, all you have to do is follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and email me your blog along with a profile picture to therealcakebossblog@gmail.com. I believe that I can't be the only voice out here, and there are people who believe in love even if you've been heartbroken before. Let me hear from you!

Follow me:
facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

Ladies, Don't Make THAT Mistake

Too many women make one big mistake that dooms their relationships. They think a man is going to change...for the better. They see potential in a man, and they say, “I can work with this. I can get him to change into the boyfriend, lover or husband that I want.” Well guess what...he’s probably not going to change (at least in the way you want him to change).

If he doesn’t like to talk and share his feelings now, he probably never will. If he seems self-centered and concerned primarily with his own feelings and happiness, chances are it will be a long time until he considers your feelings first. He may never consult with you before he makes plans for a road trip with the guys. As a result, he may never understand why you are pissed at him for not talking to you first.

Men are creatures of habit, and most of them don’t change their habits easily. So the way a man is now is a pretty good indication of what he’s going to be like five or 10 years from now. That’s not to say that he will never change, or he can’t learn new behaviors. But ladies, let’s face the facts. You’re probably not going to turn a frog into a handsome prince with a few of your passionate kisses. So as you date a man, watching for signs that he might be a worthy boyfriend (or more). Pay attention to how he behaves right now. Does he have a great sense of humor? Fabulous! That’s not going to change. Does he ever crack a smile? No? That’s probably not going to change either.

Compare his traits to your “wish list” for the perfect man. If there are attributes that your perfect man simply must have, and your gentleman friend doesn’t have them, then move on. A deal breaker is a deal breaker. Don’t waste of lot of your time on a man who doesn’t meet your standards. Don’t make the big mistake of hoping and wishing that he will change for you, as the years roll on and on.
You owe it to yourself to get the fabulous man that you deserve, don’t you?

Follow me:
facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle




The image of "The Princess and the Frog" appears courtesy of Disney Pictures.

The Things Women Do That Scare Men

It’s not like men sit around and talk as often as women do about relationships. We have the Sunday Football Pre-Game shows, and you have the View. Guys don’t talk feelings very often, or share too much personal stuff in large groups. Maybe in one-on-one's with our closest friends when we talk about what women do that we don't like, but that's about it. Then we are just as bad as any group of women. But, along with the natural complaints about girlfriends and wives, there is that special time when we compare notes about women who scare us. This typically is when we are dating or even just checking out women. There are certain things that most of us just find universally unattractive or scary. Do you want to be more approachable or appealing to more men? You might consider not doing any of these things.

• Talking Smack – It doesn’t matter who it is, or what the subject is about. If you constantly bad mouth people or things, it gets old really fast. We look at this as a pre-cursor of how you might talk to us or about us.
• High Maintenance – When many guys were younger we all wanted that girl who looked perfect...which we now know involves a lot of time and effort. Now that we are older, women who can get ready quickly and feel comfortable with their looks are SO much more attractive. Spending hours getting ready, shopping all the time for clothes that make you look "perfect", and all those other things scream at us because no guy wants to really endure all of that.
• Telling Us What You Don’t Want – This is just plain frustrating. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about; relationships, choices for dinner, etc. What DO you want? My friends and I view this as some weird test or game for us to listen to all the “no’s” and then we are expected to figure out the “yes”.
• Crazy Finger Nails – Super long or bedazzled nails are just a bit freaky to us. Aside from that annoying ‘clicking’ sound when they tap them is also a hallmark of "high maintenance". There is just no added physical appeal to someone who always has to be careful as to not break a nail. A manicured nail? Yes. An eagle's talon? No.
• Moving Too Fast – You see it made fun of in movies; the crazy girl who starts stalking a guy after one date. Give us a little space and let it happen naturally if it’s going to happen. We do not need to meet your family and friends on the second date.
• Too Much Cell Phone – I love my cell, and my friends love theirs as well. But women who can’t put it down, and have to constantly be texting and calling people really seem super needy. It's like you constantly need feedback from all of your friends on what is happening in your life instead of just living.
• Dressing Trashy – This can occur when you are going for sexy and hot, but miss badly...very badly. Late at night in the club or at the bar this will attract some of us, but other than those situations, wearing things that let it all hang out might catch our eye but not our long term attention.
• Talking - This is a wide ranging problem. Some women seem to love to talk without listening to us or seeing our verbal cues. Other women will grill much too quickly because previous dates have left them frustrated, and they don’t want to waste time with a guy who doesn’t meet those standards. Maybe I do want kids but do we need to cover that on the first date?

Now to be perfectly honest, the hotter a woman looks, the more likely we will initially overlook many things on this list. We usually can’t help that, but looks don’t make a relationship. If that was the case, all of these Hollywood couples would last a lot longer...

Follow me:
facebook.com/min.randle
twitter.com/delvinrandle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons

Time To Heal (Guest Blogger)

I had an idea a while back to give people a chance to offer their view on love and relationships. I started the process of asking a few of my friends to submit a blog to me speaking on whatever they wanted to talk about the subject. My first blog winner came from a riddle I asked on Facebook, and he was the first to answer it correctly. So ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first of many guest bloggers to come...enjoy!

First I'd like to thank my brother for the opportunity to give the guest sermon...I mean blog for this week. My name is Sir Stephen, and while I'm not a cakeboss yet, I am something like a lieutenant of love, LOL! I've had my share of relationships (some good and some bad), been married twice and divorced twice, and I still believe in love. One thing I've found out...It's hard to jump into a relationship when you haven't healed from a previous one.

Short story: When I was in college, I tried my hand at football. While in the gym, I tore cartilage in my knee and it required surgery. I had the surgery, and started the healing process along with physical therapy. I was in pain for a while, but it didn't last long. In my opinion, I was ready to start practicing again, but my doctor knew better. He told me that if I started practice before completely healing, I could do more damage and risk not playing again. I listened, and in time I healed fully. To this day, I still have the scar on my knee, but the pain is gone.

It's the same thing with love...we get hurt, some are affected deeper than others, but we hurt nonetheless. You can jump into another relationship too soon, bringing that same hurt to someone that had nothing to do with your injury, and end up hurting your heart and possibly someone else's heart severely. Take time to heal. Your scars might remain, but if you take time to heal correctly, the pain will be gone and you'll be ready to love again...

Give love away,
Sir 

If you have a view on love and relationships that you would like to submit for a chance to be a guest blogger every Tuesday, all you have to do is follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and email me your blog along with a profile picture to therealcakebossblog@gmail.com. I believe that I can't be the only voice out here, and there are people who believe in love even if you've been heartbroken before. Let me hear from you!

Follow me:
facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

Relationship Foolishness

In every relationship you experience a little crazy behavior now and then. But there is a state of mind that lives between Thanksgiving and Valentines Day, and rears its ugly head to try to sabotage the most well intentioned relationship. Like Freddie Kruger or Michael Meyers or Chucky, if you see it coming your way, go in the other direction and save yourself. What could be SO villainous that I equate it to that of the Boogey Man? Its what I call "Relationship Foolishness", and here is how it works...

There lies in the mind of some people the process of removing themselves from a relationship, in order to avoid buying gifts for their significant other for Christmas, and to be on the safe side, Valentine's Day too. I know it may sound funny, and a tad bit offensive but I have knowledge of this because I used to do this myself (I know, I was a bastard). There was a time when I thought I was the only one who performed this shallow behavior, but come to find out I wasn't the only one after all. As many people as I have spoken to, they remind me of that part of men and women that creep in every once in a while if allowed. RELATIONSHIP FOOLISHNESS IS REAL!!! So how do you know if or when you are dealing with a person who wants to celebrate relationship foolishness every year?

I will give a list of things I can think of, off the top of my head:

1.) Starts competing with your family members when nobody is giving them a hard time
2.) Gives the silent treatment rather than talking out an issue, most often occurs when THEY are in the wrong.
3.) Does not ever want to settle issues, but wants to win.
4.) Never agrees with you on anything, then hypocritically accuses you of being that person.
5.) Tests boundaries by pushing all your buttons and then pretending you are the one with the
problem.
6.) Has a do as I say, not as I do, mindset, and will deny this when confronted.
7.) Will turn on the water works and not feel "appreciated" when you don't dance to their tune.
8.) Doesn't ever come right out and say what their thinking, and enjoy keeping you guessing.
9.) Says "never mind" a lot.

Who knew people took a break up to this extreme? Just pull the trigger and be done with it already! What is more disturbing is not the fact that they break up to not buy gifts, but that they get back together with the one they broke up with and act as if nothing ever happened...I mean, who does that??? That is foolishness at its highest level! I've done it, and I've had it done to me so I know what I speak of. If I can think of more I will post again, maybe someone else has thought of a few things too. Leave your warning signs to foolishness here, or check me out on Facebook, Twitter and Socialcam...

facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

Why I Do What I Do

I get lots of emails from readers, and they generally fall into three types:

• Praise (easily my favorite kind of note) "Just wanted to say that yours is the first love advice column I have read on Google that didn’t seem shallow. It actually makes sense and seems right on target to me!
• Hate mail (very entertaining, especially when I read them aloud to Mom) "I hope you know that your dating advice is such garbage. Get a real job, jerk".
• Frustrated dating questions (heart-wrenching and all-too common) "I always meet men who are womanizers no matter how hard I screen them. I am so attractive and classy and don’t know why they humiliate me in public but they ALL do it. Are all men just like this"?

Not surprisingly, it’s the final category that I spend the most time on...

Now, despite what you may think, I don’t have an axe to grind against anyone. If men tell me I’m too harsh on men and women tell me I’m too harsh on women, I’m pretty sure I’m doing something right. As a dating coach, it would be easy to simply validate every reader who asks a question. Tell her exactly what she wants to hear. I could write to the woman above that, yes, she’s an attractive, classy woman and that, yes, she deserves a lot better than these womanizing jerks. I’d add that there are definitely some nice guys out there, so she should keep on looking. Good luck and Godspeed! Did you learn anything from that? I didn’t think so.

My real advice to her would be to assess why she keeps on choosing womanizers. That’s her big problem. Lots of women end up with monogamous men, so clearly not ALL men can be scum. But some men will always be bastards. So why does she end up with them? That’s for HER to figure out, not the womanizer. If you feel your blood pressure rising, and you think that if only “experts” like me placed the proper blame on men, this would all go away, I respectfully disagree. Jackass men don’t read my blog. Only people who are looking for a dose of truth, humor, and insight do.

Yes, I get it: Men are wrong. Men lie for sex. Men string women along. No argument here. But there is no power in pointing out the obvious. You know why? Because YOU CAN’T CHANGE MEN! We can complain to the high heavens about guys and their immoral behavior, and guess what? Tomorrow, some men is going to sleep with a woman he doesn’t care about and then never call her again. And around and around we go. So, since you can’t change men and I can’t change men, how can we make sure that:

• You don’t keep dating womanizers.
• You understand that this is the way some men are, no matter how much you wish they weren’t.

If you’re a reader who has had it up to here with the opposite sex, I see my job as pointing the other side of the story. I don’t TAKE the other side. I just observe it. Unfortunately, this approach tends to incite anger. The proverbial “shooting of the messenger". Let’s say I observe that a significant number of people lie in their online dating profiles. My advice, therefore, becomes “Don’t expect people to tell the truth in their online dating profiles.” I’m not telling people TO lie in their profiles. I’m not defending people who ARE lying in their profiles. I’m saying that people DO lie in their profiles. And if most people are insecure about their height, weight, age or photo, don’t be too upset or surprised when you see this happen again and again.

This applies to any way in which you’ve been wronged. And believe me, I hear it all.

• “Tell women that we’re not just wallets who escort them all over town!”
• “Tell men that they shouldn’t sleep with us if they don’t have long-term intentions!”
• “Tell women that they should just stop playing games!”
• “Tell men to stop being so superficial!”

Are you seeing a pattern here? Blame. Blame. Blame. Blame. And what good does it do? It’s an observation about the world. I acknowledge how tough and unfair understanding the opposite sex is. Yeah the negativity can get you down, the bad experiences can pile up, and the lack of trust can be pretty staggering. Still, what choice to we have but to soldier on and make the best of things? So instead of being perpetually outraged that men hurt women and women hurt men, how can we try to rise above it? How can we see the world a little clearer? How can we navigate these choppy waters a little safer, as opposed to dreaming that they’ll magically turn placid?

That’s why I do what I do for a living...

Follow me:
facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle
therealcakebossblog@gmail.com

Forgiveness Can Be Sexy

You and your boyfriend or husband are in an argument about something. He said something or did something that really bugged or even hurt you. Maybe he took his teasing too far or was just plain insensitive...it could be anything. The bottom line is: He messed up and you’re ticked off about it. You get angry and give him the silent treatment, and emotionally you go in the other direction and blast him. He needs to know that he hurt you, but you’ve got a great guy and he quickly realizes that he’s hurt you. He looks you in the eye, sees your pain, and tells you that he’s done you wrong and that he’s sorry. He reaches out and puts his arm around you to pull you in close. He wants to hug you and ask for forgiveness. He knows he’s done wrong and he feels bad about it. This is where you have two choices: You can either continue to punish him by pulling away from him or forgive him and reconnect.

Let’s look at these two options: If you decide to punish him, you’ll have the immediate satisfaction of righteous anger. This guy was a jerk and now he’s going to know what it is to hurt you! If you’re not ignoring him, then you’re yelling at him and cutting him down with harsh words. You become so cold, he has to fight off polar bears just to get into the car with you. He needs to know what he did was wrong and that he should never do it again. He needs to feel your pain...how else is he going to learn? How else are you going to balance the scales? After all, you’re a strong, independent woman who deserves and demands respect. If you don’t get that respect, you’re going to take it! He’s going to pay and pay dearly. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, right? Hell yeah!

This all sounds good and fulfilling but there’s a heavy cost. When you choose revenge and punishment, you’re pushing him away and you’re showing him that if he shows deep vulnerability, he can’t trust you. Think about it from his perspective..he hurts you, and he immediately feels awful. He wants nothing more than to make it right. So he really gets raw, man’s up, and apologizes. He’s hoping that you can forgive him so he can forgive himself. If you reject this apology you’re pretty much telling him that he’s a horrible person. Not that what he DID was horrible, but that HE is horrible. It will take a long time for him to be vulnerable and intimate with you again. But you’ll have the satisfaction of revenge. It’s a trade off.

The other option you have is to drop your desire for revenge and accept his apology. You can forgive his insult and accept that he wants to make things up to you. You’ll let him wrap his arms around you and bring you in close. He’ll see that you’re still connected and that he hasn’t damaged the relationship in a serious way. You’ll feel good too, and instead of feeling righteous anger, you’ll feel the warmth of a deep connection and you’ll know that he loves and didn’t mean to hurt you. Most guys, not all...but most don’t want to hurt you. We say something off-color and we think you’ll find it funny but we’re wrong. We weren’t doing it to be mean, we were just wrong and now we feel BAD. Here’s a secret about guys: We actually don’t like hurting you, and it really bothers us when we do. Men are programmed since the cave days to keep you safe and protect you. We don’t always do a great job, but we always want to. So, he’s hurt you and he’s reaching out to you for forgiveness. If you let him reconnect, you’ll feel how sorry he is and how much he does in fact love you. He will be vulnerable and intimate and just happy that he didn’t really screw up the best thing going for him in his life.

I will make a not so little caveat right here: I’m writing about the garden-variety stupid stuff that your boyfriend or husband might do that is hurtful. Abuse and other more serious things need to be dealt with in a more serious manner. I don’t want anyone to think I’m excusing a man who hits his girlfriend or wife just because he apologized.

Follow me:
facebook.com/min.randle
facebook.com/relationshiplessons
twitter.com/delvinrandle

From The Men Who Hurt You...Part 2

Like I said yesterday, it's my prayer and intention that you put this hurt to bed and release it, so that you can go on and have the happy and fulfilling relationship you desire and deserve.
So as you read this, do so believing that anyone who has hurt you has finally realized how much they have hurt you. It really does not matter if they ever realize their mistakes. What matters most is that you realize that no matter how much they hurt you, they do not deserve the power of preventing you form having the type of love and relationship you desire.
As promised, here is the letter and explanation you should have received a long time ago.

 

Dear ____________,

I am writing to you today to ask for your forgiveness. I now understand how much I hurt you and how much pain I caused you. This is not easy for me to admit because doing so causes me pain. For it was never my intention to hurt you. I am not going to make excuses for my behavior. For one time I am going to step up to the plate and take responsibility for my actions.

I now see that pointing fingers and blaming you was the coward’s way out. I could have communicated like a man, but I took the easy way out...the path of least resistance. And although that path was easy for me, I now see how much it hurt and affected you. And for that I am truly sorry.

I also want to apologize for every time that I did not live up to and honor my commitment with you. I now see that every time I lied, every time I cheated, every time I put you down and blamed you I was doing what was best for me without taking into consideration how it was going to affect you. It was very selfish of me and I’m sorry. Instead of talking to you and communicating how I was feeling I ran away, like a little boy, too afraid to speak the truth.

You deserved to be treated with love and respect and I failed. I am no longer willing to be the victim and blame everyone and everything for my mistakes and shortcomings. I will no longer try to blame and make you wrong for things that were my fault. I now see that I and I alone was responsible for the emotional pain and devastation I have caused you.

But what bothers me the most is that my mistakes have caused you to put up walls and close yourself off to the world. My actions are depriving someone else of the opportunity to know what a beautiful and loving person you are. The pain I have caused has scarred your heart so bad that you are no longer willing to open up and take the chance on love.

So I am asking you to please put down your walls. I do not deserve the ability and power to take that away from you. I am simply someone who has made some mistakes because I was dealing with my own shortcomings and faults. Unfortunately you became the victim of my problems.

Instead of being a man and dealing with my stuff, I ran from it and even worse, I projected it onto you.

If I could go back in time and erase the things I did which caused you pain, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t. I can only sit here and do one thing, something I should have done a long time ago; say I was wrong and I am sorry.

In closing I want to say that I understand that you will probably never forget the hurt and pain I have caused you and those close to you. I don’t expect you to. But I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me, not for me, but for you. For I now see and understand the ramifications of my choices and decisions.

I ask you to forgive me so you can free yourself form the shackles that have imprisoned your heart and kept you from experiencing the love you deserve. I wish you nothing but life’s blessings.
 

Sincerely,
_________________________
 

I am sorry that you never received an apology or an explanation when you deserved it. But now that you have this one, I pray you can be free to move on and leave the past where it deserves to be. The only question is, will you?

From The Men Who Hurt You...

Late last night or early this morning, I was up watching a reality show. Out of fear of embarrassment and being judged, I'll keep the name of that show to myself. In this particular episode, this guy's live in girlfriend who is the mother of his children, finally had enough of his ways and his “it’s all about me, I’m a star” attitude. The last straw was when he missed the family dinner while his kids are back from college. That night as she was getting ready to go to bed, someone e-mails her a picture of him walking out of a restaurant with two scantily clad women on his arms.

While watching this play out, I had to admit that personally last week was a tough week for me. In talking to women everyday I often hear the worst stories about men, but last week was the worst. I heard so much bad news and stories that it even had me wondering if there are any good men left.

Now I know there are lots of good men out there that are dying to find a special woman that they can commit to. But after watching this episode I was left scratching my head. I was amazed at the callous, I don’t give a crap, I’m gonna do what I want to do attitude of this man. It made me realize the depths of the pain that many of these men cause and how this pain can literally affect a woman and her ability to have a loving and trusting relationship. There was one simple thing that He had to do to clean it up. He simply had to realize how much his actions affected his girlfriend. A simple, "I'm sorry" and a commitment to clean things up and make things right between them might have gone a long way. But she never got it, and now she looks back on her relationship with this man with a broken heart, lots of regrets and tons of questions. This crazy reality drama had me up early today thinking about how this once was me, therefore I decided to address this behavior today.

I’ll be the first to admit that there are plenty of men out there who don’t treat women with the love and respect they deserve. And because these guys aren’t man enough to own up to their shortcomings, they make excuses or blame their mates. It’s a very childish and juvenile way for a man to act and certainly not a way which is conducive to being in a loving and committed relationship. It's not uncommon for a man’s actions to cause so much pain for a woman, that the effects are long lasting and sometimes permanent. One man can cause a woman so much pain that her ability to trust and be in a loving committed relationship becomes shattered forever. The reality show bothered me because all he had to do was be a MAN and to step up to the plate and accept responsibility for his actions and to do his best to try and clean it up. Why is something so simple so hard to do for some men? I started thinking of all the women who never got the apology or explanation they deserved. I started thinking about the women who never got the apology from ME that they deserved.

Now I don't consider myself a boy scout by any means, and I have done some God awful, crappy things in my life. I have hurt the ones who loved me and I haven't always done my best to clean up my mistakes and to take responsibility for my actions, but as I was watching this episode I had an idea. I understand that there may have been someone who hurt you. You never got the answer, the explanation, or the apology that you deserved…and sad to say you probably never will. That doesn’t bother me, because from my own selfish experiences I know personally that “what comes around goes around”. So mark my words, somewhere, sometime he will reap what he sows.

What does bothers me is knowing that the type of men that I once was myself, will continue to rob women of the POWER to have the love they deserve. Their actions have hurt and caused you so much pain, that it is very difficult for you to open up for the fear it may happen again. And that is the part that sucks because no matter what that person did, no matter what they said, and no matter how much they hurt you, they don't deserve to have that power. So I have decided to apologize on their behalf. I fully believe that if these men would realize the depth of their pain they would get down on their knees and ask for your forgiveness. But it’s probably not going to happen, and the reason it is not going to happen is because they just don’t understand. I do it not for them, as much as I do it for me and for you. It's my intention that you put this hurt to bed and release it, so that you can go on and have the happy and fulfilling relationship you desire and deserve!

So tomorrow, you'll read from the apology from me that you should have recieved from him...

What You Really Say During The Silent Treatment

At one time or another we all have been either on the giving end or receiving end of the silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize (or you probably knew this all along) is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment, believe it or not, you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child in time out starts to feel ostracized, feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again. The silent treatment can be a very destructive behavior when it involves personal relationships for instance. The silent treatment breeds bitterness on both ends and it borders on emotional abuse… I’m not making that up to be dramatic. That’s what “they” say.

Let’s not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person, that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state and need some time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s fine and actually that’s probably better than sitting and screaming at each other. To me, I don't know which is worse. Nothing positive comes from either type of behavior, but what makes more sense…blowing up about something, cooling off a little and then talking about how to resolve it OR not blowing up about something, staying completely pissed and not doing anything to help resolve the situation? When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less about the relationship.

It’s interesting to me that research has shown that women and men respond to the silent treatment very differently. Women who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment seem to try anything in their power to win back their good grace with the ostracize, where men…just don’t. They just deal with it. But what exactly are the men just dealing with and the woman trying to avoid? The emotional pain associated with being ostracized. Those who have been treated to the silent treatment have reported as sense of loss, of not belonging, of lower self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness. All of these feelings are the result of someone just not acknowledging them or ignoring them, and I find that pretty interesting...

But not everyone who uses the silent treatment is trying to control others. Often, especially with men, the silent treatment is used to gain control of their own overwhelming emotions. Men are particularly vulnerable to being overwhelmed, especially in their interactions with women. Brain researchers have confirmed that women are generally better able to identify and express their own emotions than men are. And they're quick to pressure men to do the same.When men are pressured to talk about feelings before they're ready, their brains freeze up, and they shut down. Then they withdraw. They're not trying to control anyone, they're overwhelmed. Their brain circuits are receiving too much information, so they pull away simply to regain control of themselves.

People use the silent treatment to protect themselves from harm, real or imagined. Whenever we feel threatened emotionally or physically, our brain circuits get flooded with adrenaline. We feel scared, and our bodies go into "the 3 f's": fight, flight, or freeze mode. Shutting down is another term for freeze mode. It's what rabbits do when they see a bird of prey circling overhead. Their bodies freeze in order to protect themselves from harm.

This is what happens to men when the girlfriend or wife gets hurt or angry and start pressing them for answers. Usually, the woman is well-prepared for the discussion. She's stayed up half the night thinking about it, and she's already talked about it with her best friend. She knows what she's feeling, and even thinks she knows what he's feeling. She talks fast, and is filled with emotion. She makes her argument, cites the evidence and casts the judgement.

Her boyfriend or husband on the other hand, just got blind-sided. He didn't even know he was in trouble, or if he did know, he was hoping it would just go away. He feels like that rabbit that has just been cornered and is now being poked and prodded. He's out-smarted, out-talked, unprepared, and overwhelmed. As a result, he freezes, he shuts down, and the silent treatment is automatic. It feels like the only way he can protect himself from being attacked is by giving the silent treatment.

The last reason people resort to the silent treatment is to protect others from harm. Remember, when people feel threatened, their bodies do one of three things: fight, flight, or freeze. A lot of factors determine which response each of us will favor. Men who want better relationships with their partners, must learn to restrain their urges to vent their anger whenever they feel threatened or hurt. Until they learn how to identify and express their hurts, often their only method for protecting others from harm, is by shutting down. 

It's a rather lenghty view today, but I'd like to know what your views are on this. You can leave your comments here, or email therealcakebossblog@gmail.com, or call the Relationship Lessons Hotline 773-888-2716.

Embracing Differences

There are many differences between men and women, both in the way we're designed physically and the way we process things emotionally. And I'm sure you've noticed that the way we view relationships is also very different. While the differences may seem vast, they're pretty simple when you break it down, so let's do it! I want to preface this by saying that I know there are exceptions, but for the sake of clarification, I'm going to be speaking about the way men and women are in general.

 

In general, the appeal of a relationship for a women is the relationship. Women naturally gravitate towards the idea of marriage and it's something that usually has great appeal. An ideal relationship for a woman is one where she feels understood and connected to her significant other and for her, communication is essential. An ideal man is one who truly understands her.

The ideal relationship for a man is one where he gets to feel like the man. Men don't have the same need to understanding as women do. Rather, men like to feel acknowledged, respected, and appreciated. Men typically enjoy the role of being givers, so for a man, the ideal woman is one who can happily receive and there is nothing sexier or more appealing to him than a happy woman who appreciates everything he has to offer. While men love to give, they don't always know what it is you need and most relationship problems arise from basic communication malfunctions where a woman goes about trying to tell a man what she needs in the wrong way.

For instance, if your boyfriend or husband is hardly ever home, rather than saying "why aren't you ever home?" say "I really love it when you're here." If your partner isn't meeting your needs, it is always a much better strategy to tell him what you want rather than constantly affirming what it is you don't want, and pointing out the ways in which he's failing to meet your needs. Remember, he wants to make you happy and the more appreciated he feels, the more he will go out of his way to give you what you want.

It is also worth noting that men respond to specific compliments much more than abstract ones, for instance, saying something like, "Thank you for doing the dishes, that was so thoughtful of you" packs more punch than something general like "You're so thoughtful." This can be an area of confusion since women are thrilled with general compliments (You're so smart, pretty, nice, funny etc.).

While the principles I've outlined may seem fairly straightforward and universally understood, they often get completely ignored. The biggest mistake most women make in relationships is assuming men think just like they do. It is only when we embrace our differences and see the other side more clearly that healthy communication can flourish. Try it out for yourselves and you'll see what I mean!

Voicemail Q & A

On my Relationship Lessons Facebook page, I asked for people to call the RL Voicemail and give me their pressing relationship questions, so I'm addressing a few of them today...

 

 Q: Why do men remember so much about sports, but nothing about what we told them yesterday?

 

A: Our relationship with sports predates our relationship with you by many, many years. I remember exactly where I was when the Cubs lost the 2003 National League Championship Series; I know who I was with and what I did when Michael Jordan made "the shot" in game 5 against the Cleveland Cavaliers in 1989 (I jumped on my friend's back and rode him around my living room). We've been fluent in sports forever, whereas we've only been speaking feelings and to-do lists for a few years. So sometimes we go blank, like the poor student in Spanish class who zones out because he can't follow.

 

Q: Why won't men say they're sorry? "I'm sorry you're upset" doesn't count!

 

A: We're stubborn. Saying sorry is admitting we're wrong and that we take responsibility for whatever is blowing up in our relationship or our life. In fact, there was a time when the wronger I know I was, the less likely I was to say I'm sorry. Chalk it up to the "man of the house" hangover, but many of us still struggle with the idea that our word is no longer the final word. We are a generation of guys who saw that our grandfathers, and in some cases our fathers, never had to apologize to their wives for anything, even when it was obvious to everyone they were wrong. Progress is hard, so um, sorry...

 

Q: Why can't men tolerate hearing anything negative about their mothers?

 

A: Moms are sacred to us because they were the first women in our lives, and they spent most of their youth keeping us fed, healthy, and happy — and many of them sacrificed a lot to do so. Also, most of us put our mothers through hell with worry in our teens and have been trying to make up for it ever since, and your negativity isn't helping. But mostly, no guy wants to hear the woman he loves ripping on the other woman he loves. So leave his mom alone, unless she's egregiously overstepping boundaries and intruding on your life as a couple, and then broach it veeery slowly, and be veeery careful in your choice of words.

 

Q: Why does he put the moves on me, when he can see that I'm in a terrible mood?

 

A: Because sex is like a combination of penicillin and Zoloft for men: It's a cure-all and antidepressant rolled into one. We just assume the same is true for you. Your mom's in the hospital for hip-replacement surgery? Sex will cheer you up. Worried about getting laid off? Getting laid will take your mind off it. Here comes a meteor and the end of the world as we know it? Let's have sex — at least we'll go out with a bang. Your guy isn't being selfish, he really wants to help, and he's suggesting something he thinks will be mutually beneficial. If you are positive a quickie won't boost your mood, let him down easy, or you may wind up with two foul-tempered people.

 

Q: Why does my husband seem to never want sex? I know he isn't having an affair, so could he be having an emotional one?

 

A: This is easily the most common question I get, so you are far from alone. I don't know why your husband doesn't want sex, but there are a million potential reasons. I can't diagnose the problem, but I can say this: Before you tackle the physical issues in your relationship, it sounds like you need to tackle the verbal ones. Instead of asking me what's wrong, ask your husband. More than likely, it will be an uncomfortable and even painful conversation, and you may need to enlist a doctor or counselor. Whatever you do will be worth it, though. Because if you can't have sex with your husband, and you can't have the hard conversations with your husband, what do you actually have with your husband?

If YOU have relationship questions that are in need of a relationship answer, feel free to leave it on the RL voicemail 773-888-2716, also search for Relationship Lessons on Facebook and like us.