You know you do it or have done it, because all women are either doing it or have done it at one point in their lives. Its probably been done more often than you’d care to admit. It’s
emotionally draining and somehow exhilarating at the same time. It can
be as light a gossip session with your girlfriends, or as dark as a
shame-spiral of obsession when you’re home alone on a Saturday night with
a nice bottle of wine. I’m talking about analyzing men. You
dissect our words and actions, make assumptions about our meaning
and motives, even create hypothetical scenarios as an attempt to make
sense of a confusing situation to comfort yourselves. If you’re like most women, you’ve probably asked yourself or your girlfriends one or more of the following questions, or something similar to it:
- He stared at me for ten whole minutes, but then left without getting my number. Maybe he was just shy?
- We’ve been on three dates but he’s never tried to kiss me. Do you think he’s just being a gentleman?
- He said he’d call but never did. I wonder if he’s just really busy at work?
- He’s clearly miserable with his wife. Do you think he’ll really leave her for me?
More often than not, the conclusions that both men and women draw are the ones that leave the most room for hope. And of course positive thinking and an optimistic outlook are wonderful qualities, especially when looking for love, but we all have to be careful not to create and hang onto false hope. There’s a difference between the "healthy hope"
that causes you to wake up in the morning, spring out of bed with a
smile on your face and think, “today could be the day I meet someone
special”, and the "false hope" that goes against all
reason telling us, “sure he hasn’t called in a week, but maybe he’s
just busy planning a surprise getaway for us and doesn’t want to give
away the secret”. Um, really??? Does that sound likely to you? The truth is, false hope is actually denial in disguise. You see all the signs that something’s wrong with your guy or girl's behavior. They might even come out and say
that thing you don’t want to hear, but still you make excuses for them
and leave the door of possibility open to a better outcome.
Case in point, this question from Maria B.on the Relationship Lessons Facebook page asks: "How do you know when a partner tells you it’s over, that he truly means it?" My answer would be, You know he means it’s over when he says, “it’s over”. I
don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’ve been in Maria’s shoes and I know that
feeling when you want “It’s over” to actually mean, “I’m so in love with
you that it terrifies me, so I have to end our relationship, but I’m
secretly wishing that you will stick by me and never give up until the
day I finally learn to trust in love and come around to realize you’re The One”. This may sound just as crazy as it looks in print, but this is exactly how we
think when we’re in love, and we don’t want to give up hope in there being
a chance things can work out. And hey, maybe there is more going through their mind than simply “it’s over”, but here’s the deal...It’s NOT up to us to read between the lines, because when we do, we open ourselves up to be hurt even more. We
owe it to ourselves to have enough self-respect to take “it’s over” at
face value and not waste another moment of our time on someone who isn’t
absolutely, positively sure that they want to love and cherish us the
way we deserve.
The actual meaning of "it's over", at least for now, is "it’s over". And sure, it'll
probably hurt like hell, but the sooner you comes to terms with this,
the sooner you can get on the path of healing your heart and getting a fresh start with your life. The sooner you’ll be in a better place to meet a man or woman who will say things like:
- You are amazing.
- I’ve been waiting all my life to meet someone like you.
- I want to be with you forever.
And you can receive this unconditional love and believe every single word, with no analyzing required.
3 comments:
Man if more women would take things at face value, the world would be much happier place. LOL!
Great advice, Delvin.
When she say's "it's over", is there still a chance she might come around in the future? I was in a 3 year loving relationship and we never had any issues with bickering, trust, honesty, etc. We loved each other deeply and truly. The only complication is that the last 2 years were spent in long distance and her worry that her parents will not accept me due to ethnic differences. Earlier this month she tells me that she has fallen out of love with me and that it's better to end it because of complications we would face when it comes to marriage. I haven't seen her in two years, but I will get a chance to see her this summer and I have the feeling that the moment she sees me standing in front of her, her true feelings will come rushing back.
If a woman 2 years ago said its over, then it was over 2 years ago. Take her at her word and be her friend if that is possible. Don't go into it expecting anything that will leave you more brokenhearted if you can help it.
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