The Villain In Your Story

I want you to think about your story. I want you to think about something in your life that is disappointing you. Maybe it was a marriage that didn’t go the right way. Maybe it was a relationship that didn’t work out. It might have been something to do with your job. It might have been a business decision that you made a long time ago. It might have been something from your childhood. I want you to think about that while I ask you this: Who is the villain in your story?

Of all the situations above, is there somebody that you are blaming for that something that happened to you? A lot of people always have a bad guy in their story. Somebody that has abandoned or left you, or disappointed you, or maybe didn't give you that job, or the love that you wanted. There is a villain in so many people’s stories. People are always looking for somebody to blame for issues in their life. Be honest, do you do that? If you still do it, then you are not taking responsibility for your part in the story.

In every story, there is good and bad. There is evil as well as nice. In every single relationship that didn’t work out, you may have been wronged, but you made those decisions and you were an equal participant in that story. A lot of times when we spin the story, it’s always about how that person that left us, abandoned us, or disappointed us. They didn’t do what we needed, and we’re telling that story over and over again, which means that we have not evolved as much as we really think we have. In order to become evolved, you need to lose the villain in your story. You also need to realize that the villain in the story may have been you all along.

You decided to put the blame on somebody else so you can have an easy out. When you do that, you haven’t learned the lesson that was presented to you in that relationship. When you don’t learn the lesson that’s presented to you, you’re going to find the next relationship will have another villain. That villain will look different, but that villain is going to be a villain. People will always wrong you, leave you, abandon you, and disappoint you because you are setting yourself up for that.

So, take a look at the story above, the topic that resonated with you, then make a conscious decision to re-frame that story. Take equal ownership of being the villain in that story because relationships are a partnership, equal ownership, 50/50. When you start accepting your share of the responsibility, you’ll actually start to attract better people in your life. You’ll no longer be the villain in the story because you’ll realize that you were the equal partner. 

Can you change your story in order to evolve? 

Afraid of Finding Love

People are so afraid of feeling vulnerable, they’ll avoid dating completely. Every single one of us feel vulnerable at some time or another in our lives. You can’t avoid it, and by avoiding getting close to anyone, you’re denying yourself the chance of ever being happy. I understand what it’s like though. You meet someone that blows your mind, and instantly all your insecurities come out.

You go on a few dates, the confidence flows easily, you're feeling comfortable, you're loving everything he says, and when he kisses you goodbye at the end of the night, it feels incredible. You’re lying there in bed, trying not to get carried away with it all, and then suddenly you realize, “Wait a second. I really like this guy!”

It feels great, but you feel vulnerable and you don’t like it. You’ve finally found someone you would like to connect with, but then you worry they won’t feel the same way. It’s a natural feeling. We all want to be loved, but you can’t avoid that natural primal desire in all of us.

You start to try every trick in the book to make sure they like you. Instead of being yourself, you create this template of what you’re “supposed” to be about (someone I like to call "The Representative"). After all, if they don’t feel the same way, you’re going to be alone and devastated! All the stupid dating “rules and regulations” out there don’t help. Some experts say play it cool, don’t show your feelings, wait for him to call you, etc. etc, blah blah blah.

We play so many games in our own head it’s ridiculous. Don’t let your fears and insecurities spoil it all for you. The biggest mistake I see women make when they meet a guy they connect with, is they kill any momentum they have with negative thoughts and fears. They start playing games, and following rules based on nothing. They shut off emotionally to try to protect themselves from disappointment that may never come. I know meeting someone new is scary. You worry they won’t feel the same, or that you’re going to be hurt again. What you have to remember is you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving love a chance. Just jump in headfirst and see what happens. Don’t miss the magic. Falling in love is an amazing feeling. People see the difference in you, and you feel the difference in yourself. You spend your hours wondering what they’re doing, and if they’re thinking of you. When you meet a man you connect with, go for it. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy getting to know him. The first few weeks of a new relationship is so beautiful, new, and exciting. You’re connecting, and feeling all those warm sensations you have when you start to fall for someone. They’re feelings you can’t get back so enjoy them in the moment. If you like him, tell him. Don’t hold back. You can help each other through your fears, because guess what, he will be feeling the same vulnerability as you are. I absolutely guarantee it. 

Love is one of life’s free pleasures, so don’t let your fears of the unknown spoil your chance of happiness...

NEVER Ask Men This Question On The First Date

I’m about to reveal to you THE WORST question you can ever ask a man on a first date, or soon after you’ve met him. It’s something that I hear all of the time, and I’m going to explain exactly why it’s the worst question you can ask. The question, and variations of it are, “why are you single, and how are you not married?”

There are a number of other variations, but here’s the thing: Why has someone never been married? Because they didn’t want to be, because they don’t believe in marriage, because they haven’t met the right person, what the hell does it matter? So many women try to pre-qualify and figure out a man, based on his answer to that question. It happens because deep down, it’s a question that YOU have been hearing for so long yourself. YOU have heard it from your friends a million times. When you go to family reunions you hear “why can’t you find a good man to marry you” from your crazy Uncle.

It’s a question that comes pre-ordered from your own issues, and it’s a shocking question to ask a man that you have just met. When you are first getting to know someone, you need to get to know them based on who they are, not on why they are still single. It’s as if you are looking for some huge character flaw in him because he's single. People don’t get married for a myriad of reasons. Maybe they want to, but they just haven’t found the right person yet. Calm down detective, there will be plenty of time to ask him later. 

When you first meet someone, the last thing you want is to be interrogated by them. It’s such a turn off for a man, and when a woman asks me that question, it instantly turns me off. I just feel like, “It’s none of your business!” You have no idea who he is as a man yet, so why would you judge him based on the fact that he’s single. It’s crazy. I’m single for a reason. I’m single because right now, because I want to be single. I’m single because I really want to meet somebody amazing and spectacular. It doesn’t matter what the answer is. What matters is that you have to stop asking that question. You don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes right from the get-go and try to put together the entire picture of why this man is single. He’s meeting you, and that’s all you should worry about at the moment.

If you end up liking each other, and are talking about getting serious, then you can have that conversation when you want to figure out where the relationship is going, or not going. When you first meet him, don’t judge him yet. Get to know him. Then you’ll find out about his history. Trust me, it will all come out in time. You’ll learn more about him as you get to know each other. There’s no rush to find out why he’s single. It matters why he's single, but not "the first time you meet and talk" kind of matters. In any event, the fact he’s single means that he has the potential to be YOUR Mr. Right, in time...

Social Media and Relationships

For 99.999% of us, social media is part of our daily lives. We wake up and immediately grab our phones, scrolling through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter (and if you're anything like me, you scroll through Blogger, Google +, Tumblr, LinkedIn and Pinterest as well). We use apps for just about everything, and we thrive on being constantly connected. For the most part, social media just makes everything easier. I think I’m ready to be the guy who “disconnects” from the world for a week or so, but you would probably have to pry my Galaxy Note from my hands first. With that said, social media can take it’s toll on your romantic relationships, if you don’t proceed with a bit of caution.

Censor Yourself - First, it’s crucial to remember that anything you say online can never be permanently erased, and that prospective dates and love interests WILL absolutely judge you based on what you write on the internet. Social media isn’t a free for all, and this is where a little restraint comes in. It’s not necessary to update Twitter and Facebook with your every thought and feeling, to complain about the annoying things that happen all day long, or worse, to share personal details about past dates or relationships. Twitter isn’t your journal! Think about how hurtful it would be for someone you are dating to find that you have been complaining about them online, instead of talking to them about the issue. Everyone needs a good venting session from time to time; this is best done over happy hour margaritas, not on social media.

Put The Phone Down - If you’re on a date or spending time with your significant other, put your phone away! There is nothing worse than trying to talk to someone who is distracted by Instagram. Take a deep breath and realize that you have a hot, living, breathing, human being right in front of you who wants to get to know you and not hear about your friend’s status updates. Getting distracted by all the things that are happening online prevents you from living in the moment, and when you don’t give your real-life, and the people in that life, the attention they deserve, it can be detrimental to your relationships. This state of constant connection is also a breeding ground for jealousy within your relationship (“Why are you still friends with your ex?”) and eventually in some cases, can lead to breakups and divorce.

Don't Fall For The Comparison Trap - Social Media is a great way to keep up to date with what your friends and family are up to, but it can also breed major insecurity. When your friends keep gloating about the latest sweet thing their boyfriends did for them, or taking selfies on the romantic trips they seem to be always taking, or the countless date nights they share, it’s easy to take a look at your own relationship and feel like it doesn’t measure up. Please, don’t go there! People generally only share the good and glamorous things that happen to them, not the fight that occurred right before that date night, the boring Tuesday nights spent on the couch in sweats, or the vacations from hell. Remember that a filtered photo or 140 character tweet never tells the whole story, and that is why it’s so important to focus on your story, because it is the only story that matters! 

Here is a little challenge: The next time you see a photo of the romantic date night your best friend’s boyfriend surprised her with, double tap to “like” it, and then toss your phone to the side and go hug your own man, with no need whatsoever for a selfie! 

Mars vs. Venus

Today I have some very basic, yet powerful advice for the ladies. Men and women think VERY differently seeing that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men don’t read into everything like women do. If you get a text message from us that says, “Can we meet up later?” we actually mean, “Can we meet up later?” If we say, “I’m tied up today. Can we do tomorrow?” We really mean, “I’m tied up today. Can we do tomorrow?”

There’s no hidden agenda or underlying secret. 99% of the time, we mean what we say. You don’t always need to analyze what we’ve said, or even try to second-guess what we’re thinking. Don’t waste hours thinking, “Hmmm, what does he mean by, he’s tied up today? Does that mean he’s seeing another woman? What is he thinking? Does he want me to chase him?”

Most men don’t speak in code, and we don’t analyze everything women say. You need to realize quickly that when a real man is in a relationship with you, he says exactly what he means. Sometimes we know it drives you crazy because we are possibly a little more blunt than you would like us to be, or we speak in short sentences. Men just don’t like giving monologues when we’re communicating with you.

“Reading between the lines” is a phrase I’m sure a woman came up with. Men just don’t do it; Not when we’re in relationships anyway. We like things plain and simple. We want no fuss, no messing around, and no games. Try to play games with an evolved man and we’ll cut you off in a heartbeat!

It’s funny, the other day I was chatting it up with a woman and I said, “Stop trying to look for a sub-text here.” She laughed because she knew exactly what I was talking about. “How did you know what I was thinking?” She asked. “Because I know how women always look for some sort of hidden agenda or hidden meaning when men speak.” I explained. 

So ladies, here is today's relationship lesson for you plain and simple. Stop trying to second-guess what men are thinking. We mean what we say. If you’re not sure what we mean, just ask us! Don’t lay awake for nights on end, trying to figure out what we’re trying to say. If something isn’t clear, talk to us about it. It’s all about communication, and I tell women all the time stop driving yourself crazy about men. Talk, ask, listen, and stop making scenarios up in your head. Most of them don’t really exist! 

You should thank me later for bringing the planets closer together...

Danger: Friend Zone Ahead

Everyone always says that the best kind of love spawns from friendship, and I totally agree, but what happens when the person you want to be your significant other only sees you as a friend? That’s not good for your relationship, your sanity or your self-esteem. It’s called getting trapped in the friend zone, and it 100 percent sucks! I'm sorry, but there’s no better way to say it. To avoid this bummer of a situation, I cooked up some simple tips on how to stay out of the friend zone and let him or her know you want something spicier!

Be clear with your feelings - One of my close friends is inadvertently friend-zoning a guy. I can tell he’s totally smitten with her. He has all of the signs of crushing hard, but she can’t see any of it because he’s never made his feelings clear to her. He asks her to “hang out” instead of “go on dates,” he splits the bill instead of paying, and he always meets her out instead of picking her up. Whenever I bring it up, she insists that they’re just friends hanging out, and with the way he’s acting, I can’t blame her. As a result, he’s stuck in the friend zone. It’s probably too late for this dude to make moves on my friend, but if he started out letting her know he was interested, it would be a totally different story. Letting someone know you like them is a risk, and you could get rejected, but it’s better than months of being in crush-torment limbo.

Be willing to walk away - Like I said, letting someone know you’re interested is a bit of a risk, but it could go either way. If it goes the way of rejection, then you need to be willing to walk away from the entire relationship if you don’t want to continue living in the friend zone. Otherwise, be the friend they want you to be. Sticking around in the hopes that someone’s mind will change is emotional torture and not productive towards finding your match. Put your energy into finding someone new who’s really interested. Your forever person is not waiting in the friend zone for you, that’s for sure, so break out of there and go after them!

Don’t get comfortable so quickly - Dating is a balancing act that I swear is harder than an Olympic beam routine. You’re trying to get to know someone while playing hard to get. You’re being sexy while not being slutty. You’re getting comfortable while not getting too comfortable. That last one is where the friend zone issue comes in. If you’re dating someone and on date three you’re already in sweat pants and talking about your digestive problems, then you’re treading on friend zone territory. It’s easy to slip from dating into the friend zone when you get too comfortable and the sexy, physical part of your relationship takes a backseat. Without sexual attraction, you’re two people who care about each other and get along really well. In other words, you're "just friends."