The End of the Year Address

So as we wrap up the year, what are you attracted to, and what are the qualities you look for in a potential mate? Let’s just get the obvious one out of the way first...looks. Come on and face it, we're all looking for someone we think is hot. Now that doesn’t mean they have to be the most gorgeous person in the world, but they do need to be bringing the sexy in our eyes at least. Most of you are also looking for someone who is financially secure and can provide a certain kind of lifestyle. It’s okay, there's nothing wrong with that and you’re not shallow or anything. You’re also looking for a man with personality who can make you laugh, and get’s your jokes. You want someone you can talk to about life, love and the world. All of these qualities are great and important, but one thing I’ve discovered is that at one point or another, the importance of all these qualities will eventually fade.

Even men who in their eyes marry the most beautiful women in the world, eventually get to the point where its not really that big of a deal anymore. Even women who are married to super-successful men who can give them anything that money can buy get divorced sometimes, right? To be honest ladies, there are going to be many days when even with that great personality and sense of humor, he is going to annoy the hell out of you. In my experience, I’ve found there is one quality in a mate that you will never get tired of, and that is...their character.

Through it all, you never get tired of character and integrity. There will be days when you’ll feel like "whatever" about their looks. There will be times when you could care less that they can talk intelligently about many different subjects, or that they tell funny stories. One thing however you’ll never get tired of is how much you admire and respect them. You’ll never get tired of being able to say, “I respect this person so much, I would like to be more like this person and I can see this man or woman raising my children!” I promise you as sure as I am a man writing this, I live to hear exactly that. There are many attractive qualities in the mix of a relationship that make it work. But take my advice, make sure character, and how much you respect that person, is at the top of the list in your new year.

I learned a lot about myself, about others, and especially about relationships. It has been a pleasure opening my lesson plan to write 76 entries in 115 days to be viewed over 7600 times 2012. Some of these lessons have been from my own personal triumph and tragedy. Most lessons have been from what people are talking about (or not talking about) with their significant others. I encourage you in either case to learn from Relationship Lessons to make for a better 2013, and I hope I got you closer to doing just that. I'll be back on January 7th, so class is dismissed until then...

Peace & Blessings,
Delvin

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Shaking Off The Year of the Bad Relationship, Part 4: Mr. and Ms. Rebound

There was a time when as soon as my current relationship began deteriorating and a breakup seemed inevitable, I’d start mentally assessing my options. Even typing this makes me a little nauseous, and it’s pretty pathetic to see it in print, but I was a bastard, and it was the truth. Before I could bear the thought of going through a breakup, I felt that I needed to have someone new lined up to jump into a relationship with. When I decided it was time to whip my butt into shape, I took a long hard look at this behavior. I read lots of books on the topic, and I spent countless therapy sessions examining it. I’m sharing this with you because you just might relate (or know someone who can). It’s one of the most common unhealthy dating behaviors people struggle with. Whether it’s a on again - off again rebound fling with an inappropriate guy after a heart-wrenching breakup, or a pattern of serial dating of one woman after another with no down-time in between, it’s something many of us do or have done in our relationship lives.

Why Men & Women Turn To a Rebound After a Breakup

• We’re afraid to be alone with our thoughts and feelings. Breakups suck. Who really wants to sit around at home, moping and missing their ex? There’s no time to cry or obsess over why it had to end when you’re almost two Margaritas to the wind. In short, rebounding is a distraction (which is one of the reasons why men have been doing it for years).

• We’re afraid to be alone, period. Changing your Facebook status to single, not having a dinner companion, watching your favorite TV show solo, sleeping alone in that big California King bed? None of these things sound appealing, and they’re a constant nagging reminder that you could be single forever! You start thinking, the sooner you snag yourself a new boo (even if they're ultimately not a good fit for your life) the sooner you won’t have to suffer the loneliness and humiliation of singlehood.

• Life feels empty without our old routine. You and your ex started the day with a kiss. His emails brightened your monotonous workday. Every Friday was Sushi and On Demand Movie Night. Without her, life can suddenly feel empty; your days long, blank stretches with nothing to do. The healthier choice is to create a new routine. But when you’re going through a heart-wrenching breakup, it can certainly feel easier to just find a new someone to plug into your old routine. Here comes Mr. or Ms. Rebound.

• We crave affection and validation. Let’s face it: Getting dumped is a rejection. It makes you question your attractiveness, your ability to make someone happy, even your worthiness of love. Enter "The Rebound" who tells you that your ex was a fool to let you go, and lavishes you with affection, compliments and praise.  What’s so bad about that? I’ll get to that in just a second…

Why it’s a Bad Idea to Rebound After a Breakup

• We’re not thinking clearly. The pain of a breakup leaves us emotionally vulnerable for a time. You know how your body is more susceptible to getting sick when your immune system is run down from fighting off a cold? Emotionally, we are run down after a relationship ends, which makes us more susceptible to making poor choices in people.

The dangers are two-fold: 1) Unfortunately, there are men out there with less than trustworthy motives. Don’t even get me started on the guys who want to take advantage of women for money, sex, or whatever else and sees rebounding women as easy targets. 2) You simply do not have your own best interests at heart. You may choose a new man or woman based solely on the fact that they're the polar opposite of your ex. Without some clarity, which only comes with time, you are not going to make a good choice in a partner.

• Our standards are lowered. This goes with the point I just made, but it’s worth elaborating. Remember above when we talked about how "The Rebound" showers you with compliments and affection? Well of course it feels good! And you deserve to be cherished.

The problem is this...in the weeks or even months after a nasty breakup, your standards for a relationship are at an all-time low. In the moment it may seem like a great idea to allow "The Rebound" into your life, or your heart, but its all but guaranteed that you will look back someday soon and cringe at that choice.

• Jumping right into a new relationship dooms us to repeat the mistakes of our past. The only way to truly gain perspective on your love life is to periodically take a step back and look at what’s working and what isn’t. If you’re always obsessing over Mr. or Ms. Right Now, you’ll never have the time or opportunity to take a look at yourself.

Making Healthier Choices

With the exception of the ending of short-lived, casual dating relationships without much emotional investment, I usually recommend that you take 30 days after a breakup to process your feelings, go through the grieving process (often it feels a lot like a death), and regroup. It may sound like a long time but a month is nothing in the grand scheme of life, and you really do owe it to yourself to give your heart a proper chance to heal. Plus you’ll be in a much better place to find, and keep a healthy relationship when you finally do put yourself out there again. And hey I get it, taking time after a breakup to reflect on its lessons doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun as jetting off to St. Maarten and shacking up with a sexy island bartender for a month, but here’s the thing about rebounds:

• They don’t heal the emotional wounds from your breakup.
• They can’t give you back your self-esteem (that can only come from you).
• Often, you’ll look back and regret it.
• It’s only a temporary distraction from real pain that needs to be addressed. If you don’t deal with the feelings now, they will come out later in the form of anxiety, depression, or self-sabotage.
• They usually don’t result in a healthy, committed relationship.

And since what you’re looking for, ultimately is a healthy, committed, drama-free relationship, it’s best to leave Mr. or Ms. Rebound at the bar, or the job, or wherever you might see them, and give yourself some time before you open your precious heart to someone new, because you’re worth it...

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Shaking Off The Year of the Bad Relationship, Part 3: Is It For the Best?

Breakups are painful, even when you’re the one who decides to end the relationship. After spending so much time with someone who was special to you, not to mention opening your heart and sharing your inner-most self, of course you’re going to feel sadness and a deep sense of loss.

Eventually, your heart will heal and you’ll begin to feel ready to move on. In most cases that is, but what about when you don’t? What if there’s someone you just can’t seem to let go of? Even though time has passed and life goes on, they keep returning to your thoughts and you find yourself missing them. Are these normal emotions or could it be your heart and mind signaling you that you’ve made a mistake?

This question came from someone on the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook: I recently stopped dating someone for 3 months. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing as I am missing him a little. How do you know when you rightfully end a relationship/dating situation?

In order to know for sure, you need to look at the big-picture reasons why your relationship ended. It’s a fact that women are nurturers by nature. Women instinctively look for the best in people and try to do their part to bring it out. Women want to love and be loved, so it’s very common for a woman to meet a man and get into a committed relationship with him without even really knowing the real person. Instead of seeing him for who he is, she idealizes him and sees the “perfect” man she wants to see. Incompatibilities are ignored, flaws are buried, and red flags are dismissed. But when the relationship continues on and gets deeper, problems start to arise, expectations are not met, and needs are not fulfilled. Rather than a rewarding partnership, the relationship begins to feel like an uphill battle until eventually it breaks apart.

Another possible scenario is that you and your ex really were compatible in the beginning. The more you got to know them, the more you realized they were someone you wanted to spend your time, and possibly your life with. Then at some point things took a turn…differences surfaced, conflicts arose that you couldn’t seem to settle through communication, maybe you just drifted apart without much explanation, or maybe there was a betrayal involved. Whether it was sudden and unexpected or long and drawn-out, your relationship came to an end, which brings us to where you are right now.

So, considering the two scenarios I just outlined, think about your relationship and ask yourself:

• Is it possible that I was in love with the IDEA of my ex rather than my ex himself?
• Could I have idealized them to be the perfect person, even though I had nagging doubts and fears that bubbled underneath the surface of my conscience?
• Could it be that I now see him or her for who they truly are: NOT the right one for me, which means our breakup is for the best?

 If those questions don’t seem to fit, then ask yourself:

• Is it possible that our relationship evolved in a direction that was no longer healthy or meeting my needs?
• Did we simply grow apart and now need different things from a relationship?
• Or were there circumstances beyond my control – like an infidelity, mistreatment, or lack of communication from my ex, that indicate I am better off without them in my life?

Give these questions some thought, and then spend some time reflecting on the REALITY of your relationship. Now that you have some distance and perspective, if you can see that they really are a good person with whom you were compatible and happy with only minor circumstances or issues that you’re willing to work through, it might be worthwhile to give it another try. Only you can know this for sure. But, be warned, if any of the following deal breakers were present in your relationship, DO NOT attempt to get back together with them:

• They have a history of, or has shown a tendency toward, ANY kind of mental, emotional, physical abuse.
• They have anger issues (with or without the abuse).
• They're emotionally unavailable...I care about you but I don’t love you, or I could never marry you, or I don’t know what love is, or I never want to get serious.
• They don’t respect you
• You don’t feel any physical chemistry with them.
• You’re hopelessly incompatible with one another (you want kids someday, he
  never does, or you want to marry a Christian but they're Catholic, etc…)

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Shaking Off The Year of the Bad Relationship, Part 2: Leaving A Failed Relationship

RELATIONSHIP LESSON: The right person can't come into our heart, when its already occupied by the wrong person we put there...

Maybe its time to make the difficult decision to chalk it up as a loss and leave. If you are considering leaving a failed relationship, perhaps it is time to minimize the stressers by picking up tips on how to begin living your own life again. Below are a few tips that are worth pondering...

Be Honest

Admitting the true condition of your relationship is not always easy to do. It can be difficult to admit that you and your partner are not compatible or that you have been unsuccessful with making the relationship work. If you desire a truly loving relationship, you can fool yourself into thinking that things are better than they actually are or imagine that your partner is the person you want them to be rather than who they actually are. If your relationship is not working, it is either time to try a different approach or move on to a healthier situation. It takes a great deal of energy to go on pretending that your relationship is healthy in front of others when it is not. Also, being honest with yourself about the condition of the relationship is important to moving forward with a calm mind, purpose, and to ultimately find closure.

Be Firm

If you have taken an honest look at your situation and realized that you are in a failed relationship, it is time to make a decision and stick with it. It might be wise to set a date when you plan to have everything complete, giving yourself time to find a new living situation, pack, and adjust to a new phase of your life. While your current environment may be tense or unpleasant in the meantime, automatic decisions and rushed moves are not usually healthy for anyone. If the relationship is an abusive one and you are in danger, leaving quickly is necessary. If the situation is very violent, it may be better to leave your possessions behind and move on, as your safety is ultimately the most important thing.

Hope Floats

After you have moved out of the situation, it is important to allow yourself time to grieve and grow stronger on your own. There will be urges to return to the relationship, or even to give the person another chance. As most people would agree, it can be nice to give someone a second chance, but if you're dealing with a bastard, and the offensive was bad enough, that may not be necessary. Also, if you find yourself giving someone a third and fourth chance, you might want to go back to step one and start getting honest with yourself. Leaving a failed relationship is not the end of the world, even though it may feel that way at the time. We are often surprised to find that we relax more or regain a sense of independence after we leave a poor relationship. Many people go through phases of change, as we re-discover who we are by gaining new interests. A sense of happiness and relief is common, as hope eventually floats to the top once more.

Set Goals

A lack of vision makes every decision difficult and harder to manage. Without an end goal, many find themselves floundering in their transition period, which can lead to second guessing and insecurity. It is best to have a solid plan and follow it all the way through. Of course there will be concessions to be made where appropriate, but the goal is to move on with your life in a healthy and productive way. Setting goals can help maintain focus in the tough periods when you find them calling you to come back. Leaving a failed relationship is only a stepping stone on your path to a better life. You should always plan further than the decision to move on because it is just as hard to stick with your decision as it is to initialize it. Think of where you would like to be in six months and what you would enjoy doing and gear your goals in that direction. If six months is too far in advance, try one month. Either way, time heals all things, and eventually you will need to depend less on goals to keep you focused.

Remember that nothing is permanent, and while you may feel discouraged at being unable to support yourself for the moment, the situation is only temporary. Take a look at the goal you thought of and the steps you need to take to get there to remember that you are moving forward, and some situations are just passing ones on the road to something better. Whatever the present situation may be, it is still better than remaining in a failed relationship. At least now you have a chance for success...

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Shaking Off The Year of the Bad Relationship

We’ve all been there. That place where the relationship that seemed so wonderful in the beginning, so much love and laughter, with every indication that it would last forever… falls completely apart. Your heart is broken, the sun doesn’t shine as brightly, food doesn’t taste as good, every song on the radio seems to remind you of better times, and every happy couple you see seems to be rubbing it in your face.

Break-ups are tough, they hurt...a real "get inside you and rip you open" hurt. But it doesn’t have to be that bad. There are ways to get over a bad breakup and a broken heart that will make you bounce back faster and in better shape for the next relationship.

The real key, above all else is to remember that you will indeed find somebody else. If you truly believe that there is an abundance of great men and women out there (and there is), you’ll know that your relationship that just ended wasn’t the be all and end all. You’ll begin to look forward to all the great people you can meet.

The other key is to give yourself time to properly mourn. Your relationship ended and you have to say goodbye to it. This doesn’t mean that you should only listen to sad songs and watch sad movies to remind yourself that you’re sad. It does mean that you should accept all your feelings as they come and let them flow. Writing in a journal is often helpful with this. By allowing your feelings to flow and being excited about the new people you will meet, you’ll be able to navigate a painful break-up and get back to being your wonderful self...

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Look for Love, or Look for Marriage

      

It is widely assumed that all single women (and to a lesser extent, single men) are looking for love and marriage. But according to a recent national survey of single adults (age 21 and older), the times they are a changing. When asked, “Do you want to get married?” 34.5% said yes, 27% said no, and 38.5% were uncertain. Being single isn’t the stigma that it used to be. In fact, staying single seems to be an option that more and more “singles” are accepting and even embracing.

But that’s just the beginning of the story. It turns out that most singles do value being in a relationship. When asked, “Which of the following statements best describes your attitude toward seeking a relationship?” the survey found that 12.7% were actively seeking a relationship, and 46.8% weren’t actively looking, but were open to the possibility if they met the right person (apparently, they expect their next love to come knocking on their front door unannounced). 16.9% of those surveyed are currently dating someone. So that means 76.4% of single adults are either in relationships, looking for a relationship or ready to start a relationship with the right person. If this survey is accurate, about twice as many single adults are looking for love as looking for marriage.

Does that describe the single adults that you know? Are most of your single women friends looking for love, but only about half of them hoping that their love blossoms into the ultimate relationship commitment of marriage? That certainly sounds accurate to me. I know quite a few singles, both men and women, who miss having a romantic partner. But some of these same singles aren’t very interested in the whole marriage thing anymore. Yes, they still want a committed relationship, but they don’t necessarily need the big wedding, gold ring and the marriage license. But what if marriage IS important to you? What if you are looking for love AND marriage? What if you are one of those “old fashioned” adults (like me), who thinks the ultimate goal of a loving relationship is to find someone that you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with?

Then my humble advice is don’t settle! Contrary to common belief, there are still plenty of men who want to fall in love, get married and live happily together into old age. So as you and the wonderful person you're dating start “getting serious” and the time is right, don’t be afraid to talk about the “m-word". If marriage is important to you, then it’s important to talk about marriage with the man or woman you love. But don’t talk about it right away in the dating process. Many first, second and third dates have crashed and burned because some women jump the gun, get all mushy and reveal their desire to get married some day. After all, we're talking about men here, and we all know how easily they get scared and run away. I'm just kidding, but only a little...

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Divorced Due To Fantasy or Reality

Was your marriage a fantasy or a reality? Every marriage is a fantasy before the reality kicks in. Whatever fantasy you had is what enabled you to get married in the first place. You thought that your husband or wife was the right person for you. You thought you were the marrying kind of person your spouse wanted you to be. You actually thought maybe you wanted the life that each other painted, whatever it might've been. Your ex treated you a certain way during the fantasy period, and that enabled you to fall in love and enabled you to create this fantasy called “marriage” or at least the fantasy called “your marriage”. The reality is that you guys ended up hating each other after a while, really disliking each other, becoming really angry with each other, constantly bickering, fighting, all of that.That’s the reality. So, the question is: are all marriages based on fantasy?

Well, the answer is kind of. There are  many marriages based on reality. There are great marriages out there. And there are people out there who have wonderful marriages from the beginning all the way to the end, and they make it work. But, for the rest of us, we’re in this divorce pool of life. I think a lot of us fell in love with the fantasy, and then when reality finally came, we didn’t know what to do with it. We didn’t know how to make the changes necessary as fantasy slowly started drifting into reality. We didn’t know how to make the relationship work, because we did not have the capability to make that relationship work based on our past experiences in all of our past relationships. Our past relationships will always form who we are today, and if we’re able to process our past relationships, we are then able to move forward and have great relationships. Each one better and more positive than the one before. The problem is that most of us don’t spend enough time actually processing our past relationships. We tend to sweep all of our issues under the rug. We tend to get involved in another relationship too quickly because we’re in the “replacement theory” of relationships. We fall in love with a new fantasy of what we think this new person is and what they’re all about. The problem with that is that we think we’re moving forward, but we never really move forward because we haven’t fully learned from our past mistakes. The same problem will come up in each relationship, and if these same types of relationships continue through your lifetime, you get more and more frustrated. You get angrier and angrier, and you get more and more bitter.

The unfortunate fact for our society is that most marriages do end in divorce because most marriages were built on a fantasy from the beginning. I know so many people who got married because that’s what they were supposed to do, or they always dreamed of finding that perfect partner and being married. They dreamed of having a wonderful family. They dreamed about that life, but they picked wrong. The reason why they picked wrong is because they picked based on a fantasy they had for themselves and they never listen to the reality that was in front of them. Every relationship that I’ve ever had that has fallen apart, it has always shown its warning signs in the first 90 days. I just chose to ignore them because of the fantasy I had built up in my head. If all of you look back on all your relationships, and especially the last one that ended in divorce, the warning signs were probably there in the first 90 days. You chose to ignore them because of the fantasy you were living, because of your desires, and because your wants and your needs required the fantasy called love. I’m a firm believer that love exists, but it’s got to be real love, and it’s got to be a love that’s based on mutual love for each other. You do for each other what the other person needs, and you respect one another so that you are able to grow with one another and be each others best friends. Most relationships tend to outgrow one another. Most relationships grow their separate ways. Once the reality hits, the fantasy tends to be over really quickly...

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What Men Notice...Besides Boobs and Butts

It’s a legitimate question to ask in light of one woman who made headlines recently after having plastic surgery last year in her efforts to look like more like Barbie. The doll??? Yes, the Mattel doll! This woman’s role model is a plastic, manufactured doll. This story got me really thinking about how some women often times have such a negative self-image because of the way beauty is portrayed in the media. There’s so much focus on looking good to attract the right man into your life, but what happens when your looks start to fade, your hair starts to gray, and your boobs start to sag?

No matter how much Botox you inject, or how you accentuate your breasts to look more perky, your looks will only take you so far in a relationship. If you don’t have anything else going on for you besides how firm those jeans make your butt look, then you are going to have some big problems in the relationship department. As visual as men are when it comes to attraction (and trust me, we ARE visual), we notice a lot more about you than the way you do your hair or your nails (or at least the real men do). If you really want a relationship ready man to notice you when you walk into a room, there are at least three qualities we look for in a woman that will really get our attention and pique our interest in you.

1. Confidence. A confident woman is a beautiful and sexy woman. Let me say this again, a confident woman is a beautiful and sexy woman! Do I need to say it one more time? The way a woman carries herself, the way she speaks and the way she interacts with others...these are the things that a relationship ready man really notices about you. It’s kind of hard for us not to notice a woman who exudes confidence.

2. Sense of Humor. Pretty faces are easy to come by, but what’s really refreshing for a man is meeting a woman with a great sense of humor. While recent studies have shown that women are typically attracted to men with broody good looks (think of Idris Elba pictured above), researchers have actually found the opposite to be true for men who are typically drawn to happy, smiling women.

3. Intelligence. There’s no bigger let down for a man than a beautiful woman with a pea-sized brain. As visually stimulating as a woman might be, the attraction falls short when there’s no mental stimulation, or any other stimulation for that matter. A woman who is just as smart as she is sexy is a huge turn on for a man because it lets us know you have more going for you than just your looks.

Confidence, intelligence and a sense of humor are three qualities that speak volumes of a woman’s personality and character. While you may be busy obsessing over how attractive you look, we’re busy “obsessing” over what’s underneath the facade (ok, more like observing) to see if you are the kind of a woman we just want to sleep with or the kind of woman we want to marry and settle down with. So the next time you decide to give yourself a makeover to better attract the man of your dreams, remember these dating rules: try working on your inner beauty for a change. By all means don't skip the beauty spa, but read a book while you're there too, or learn a new skill that will make you uniquely attractive. True beauty happens from the inside out, so do yourself and the relationship ready man of your dreams a favor, and make it your daily resolution to better yourself on the inside to enhance your overall beauty...

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Lessons In Being Married More Than Once

If you are over 30 and dating, you could easily meet and end up dating a divorced man or woman. I’ve had some clients of mine ask me about divorced men, and if they would be willing to commit again? Here’s the good news from a statistically speaking standpoint: A man who has been married before is far more likely to marry again. He’s already made a commitment to someone, so even though it didn’t work out, he isn’t a hard core commitment phobic...right?

Case in point, Paul McCartney married for the third time to Nancy Shevell, who is also divorced. McCartney‘s first marriage to Linda Eastman lastly nearly thirty years, which ended when she passed away. His next marriage to Heather Mills was a disaster of epic proportions (I can identify with this). He probably wasn’t ready, not being fully over the loss of Linda, and as a result, it looks like Paul chose very poorly and was terribly unhappy (I can REALLY identify with this). But, time has passed and McCartney has probably done some healing work. He and Nancy tied the knot in London. You know they say the third time’s the charm! Now, it is true that a divorced man has his share of baggage. He has a divorce agreement which means he might have to pay alimony, and if he had children, he has to pay child support. Truth is, men who have never married can have baggage too. They could have children, ex girlfriends and live-ins, etc. In no way do divorced men corner the baggage market by any means.

Dating coaching clients of mine who are dating after 40 also ask me about men who have been married several times. Many people are suspicious of men with several ex-wives. Could this be a bad sign about their ability to maintain a commitment? Maybe, but not necessarily. I know many couples with one partner who had been married three times, and the last and current relationship can be the one that works, lasting 10, 15 years or more. History does not always predict the future, so this could also be true for you. Sometimes women come to me embarrassed that they have had multiple failed marriages. As a dating coach, I often help them re-frame their history. Yes, it’s true, their marriages ended. But, when you think about our lives today, not much stays the same for so many people. Life is changing at a faster pace than ever before, especially when compared to our parents’ lives. How many people live in the town where they grew up, are in the same job they got straight out of college, or stay in their first house? Now more than ever change is the norm, so it’s not that surprising to think you might have grown out of your relationships either.

The real question is, what did you learn from the divorce? What would you do differently next time? What works for you and what doesn’t? If you've learned and grown from your mistakes, that's a good thing in THIS dating coach’s book. Same thing applies to the men you date. Does he admit making mistakes in his marriage? Did he learn from them? If his relationship with his ex is still toxic, then maybe he’s not such a good choice. If he has grown as a result of his failed relationships, if he’s focused on personal development, gone to therapy, joined self help groups, or taken workshops...these are indicators that he may have evolved as a result. The only hard and fast rule I recommend when it comes to divorce is to wait at least one year after your own divorce before getting serious with anyone new. And, try to avoid men who haven’t been officially divorced for at least one year as well. It takes time for the heart to heal after the breakup of a marriage or a long-time live-in relationship. Steer clear to give yourself the best shot of connecting with a partner who is relationship ready and not on the rebound...

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I Apologize (Guest Blogger)

I look forward to Tuesdays because it gives me that time to look at relationships through the eyes of another individual. Today is no different, so let me thank all of you who have contributed so far, and those who are writing something to submit. For those who believe that they can't type out what you feel...I'm here to tell you that YOU CAN! Here is a true example of someone who could, and did just that! So read, recieve and learn from the heart of Tedella Gowans...

Alright let’s clear the air up front: I did not keep your children away from you; I did not laugh at your "want to improve myself ideas; I did not cheat on you with your best friend or ANYBODY else for that matter; I did not, NOT support you, and WHATEVER ELSE you might make me pay for. I wanted to clear the air because I am so far from perfect or anything that looks perfect it is not funny. But the reason you are bitter or "I’m just saying", is not my fault. I am Tedella, and I am an individual.

I love men (not in that whoreish way, but I do)! It could be because of my dad and his nine brothers and the testosterone environment I grew up in (I don’t know). But here lately, I have run into men that do not have a positive opinion about females. They have not given up on us to the point where they are deciding upon an alternate lifestyle, but they are not trying to have anything meaningful to do with us at all. It is really sad because these are men, if not for their past relationships, that could be excellent husbands or fathers. Their hearts have been hardened and they have given up on even trying to get to know us, or me, for ourselves because of the hurts that have been inflicted on them in the past.

Even though I am not the cause of your angst, I apologize. I apologize for every woman that only wanted you to pay her bills. I apologize for every woman that "held out" until you did things the way she wanted you to do them. I apologize for every woman that stepped out on you and slept with somebody behind your back. I apologize for every woman that did not have time for you. I apologize for every woman that felt you had to be perfect and could not make any mistakes. I apologize for what your mom might have put you through. I apologize for not being the woman you fantasized about. I apologize for every woman it just did not "click" with. I apologize for every woman that made you feel less than a man. Hello, I am Tedella! I am just a woman, an individual; not every woman you ever met that did you wrong but…I APOLOGIZE! I APOLOGIZE! I APOLOGIZE!

If you have a view on love and relationships that you would like to submit for a chance to be a guest blogger on Tuesdays, all you have to do is follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and email me your blog along with a profile picture to therealcakebossblog@gmail.com. I believe more than ever that I'm not the only voice out here, and there are people who believe in love even if you've been heartbroken before. Let me hear from you!

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Changing The Game Won't Kill You!

It’s hard to be a woman on the dating scene (not that I would know, but I'm just saying). Maybe you feel like you’re always having to wait around for guys to make a move, for guys to call, for guys to show you they are interested. And there’s probably a lot of insecurity that comes with that. But you know what? It’s pretty hard to be a man on the dating scene too (not that you would know, but I'm just saying). We have to work up the courage and confidence to make that move. We have to make that call. It’s not that easy, just ask any guy and they’ll tell you at least one story where they totally thought a woman was into them, only to find out they completely misread the signals. Most of us suck at reading the signals.

• You’ve got stories of waiting by the phone? We’ve got stories of calling fake numbers.
• You’ve got stories of waiting for him to make that move?  We’ve got stories of making the move and falling flat on our faces.

Allow me as the "relationship referee" to say right here, right now, that we need some help, ladies! Let me say again that we suck at reading your subtle signals. Pride aside, we men don't always have it together in this department. I'm not saying we lack the confidence (because an un-confident man is the very definition of NOT sexy), but sometimes we lack the "get-a-clue-ability" to get us over the hump. Women might think that they have made it pretty obvious that they’re into us and want to go out again...but we men are still probably sweating our "aspirations" off, debating whether or not to ask you out. Women might think that they have made it crystal-clear that they despise us and would punch us in the face if they saw us walking on the street...but there’s also a decent chance that we men are thinking that you’re totally feeling us.

Why not just make it easy for us? I’m not saying you have to get down on one knee and propose. But maybe after we’ve met or have hung out once or twice, what if you took the initiative to ask us to hangout again? I love a woman who would ask me to hangout, not every time, but once in a while was the kind of concrete message that I needed to stop over processing. I love it when a woman reciprocates, and for those women who do...kudos to you! So for those women who don't...let us know if you’re into us by making the call, and asking us out every once in a while. Help take some of the guessing game out of it for us. I'm not endorsing for the roles to be reversed here, and for women become the aggressor while men become submissive, so let's save that argument for another blog. I just think most guys will appreciate it if the guessing games would go away, that's all...

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4 Argument Killers

The last time you got into a fight with someone close to you, what emotions did you feel? How did you act? Did you criticize the other person, call them names, or did you roll your eyes as you sat in stony silence? Did you get defensive when they tried to explain what was wrong? Or maybe you were able to joke around and lighten the mood. Although everyone fights, people differ in how they deal with conflict, and it turns out that how we deal with conflict says a lot about the future of our relationships.

Criticism: It’s okay to complain about what’s wrong in your relationship, the problem arises when complaining turns into criticizing. A complaint focuses on the event or behavior you want to change, whereas criticism attacks your partner’s personality. When you find yourself generalizing that your partner “always” or “never” does something, you are falling prey to criticism. For example, you may want to let your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend know that you find it annoying that you don’t travel very often. you could let them know just this – that I wish we traveled more. Or you could blame them for this problem and criticize them by saying something like “We never travel because you're always so selfish and don’t care about my interests.”

What to do instead: Try to state your complaint without blame. Let your partner know that you are unhappy about something, but don’t make it your partner’s fault. Avoid "always" and "never." 

Defensiveness: This one is particularly hard for me. When someone suggests I’ve done something wrong, my instinct is to react quickly with an “It’s not my fault” followed by some excuse. Sometimes I go so far as to do preventative damage: defending myself before I’ve even been accused. Defensiveness also occurs when you respond to your partner’s complaints with complaints of your own, such as when your partner lets you know they find it annoying that you leave empty juice bottles in the refrigerator and you respond by pointing out that you find it annoying when they don’t make the bed.

What to do instead: The problem with defensiveness is that it doesn’t allow you to see your role in the problem and its frustrating for the other person who feels like they aren’t being heard. Take responsibility. If your partner lets you know that something you do bothers them, consider if they might be right and look for your part in the problem. I finally learned this lesson when my sister and I were working together painting my parents’ house. Every time I made a mistake she noticed, I’d get defensive, she would get frustrated, and it just went downhill from there. I decided to try a different tactic – the next time she saw a mistake I made, I ‘fessed right up, apologized and asked what I could do to fix it. My sister told me it wasn’t that big of a deal and not to worry about it, just be aware for the future. I was amazed by how differently things turned out when I resisted the urge to be defensive and instead owned up to my mistakes. I’m not completely cured of this habit, but I'm making progress.

Contempt: Everybody has their angry moments, but when you begin to feel contempt for your partner, that’s a clear sign that something needs to change. Contempt is the best predictor of the end of the relationship or divorce if you're married. Contempt is that feeling that you are better than your partner, and comes out when you make derisive comments to your partner with the intention of being insulting. If you are calling your partner names, mocking your partner and being sarcastic or rolling you eyes at him or her, you are likely feeling contempt. Sometimes you might tease your partner in the spirit of playfulness, which is beneficial. But if you find yourself teasing your partner in a mean-spirited way, such as making fun of something you know they are sensitive about, that is a sign of contempt. Calling your partner an idiot (and meaning it) is a surefire sign your relationship is in the dumps.

What to do instead: Instead of focusing on all the things that you hate about your partner, build a culture of appreciation where you focus on what your partner adds to your relationship. If you are feeling contemptuous, perhaps you need to take a moment to imagine what your life would be like if you never met your partner.

Stonewalling: Stonewalling is not so much about what you do, but what you don’t do. Imagine how a stone wall would react to you when you told it how you were feeling. When you sit there in stony silence or utter single word answers, you are disengaging from the interaction. This happens in response to feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s strong negativity. Men are more likely than women to engage in stonewalling.

What to do instead: Instead of disengaging as a response to being overwhelmed, try letting your partner know that you need to take some time to calm down and plan to return to the conversation when you feel more relaxed.

Although I have described these traits separately, they often go together. Criticism from one partner may lead to the other partner’s defensiveness which may promote feelings of contempt, and eventually stonewalling. Couples who can joke, laugh and share moments (a touch, a quick smile) during a fight are better at combating this negative cycle and are happier with their relationships.

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No More Time To Waste...

Have you ever heard a friend say “I don’t have time to waste dating the wrong man”? Maybe you’ve thought this yourself. Ladies, do you consider yourself:

• A super busy successful woman with a crazy schedule?
• A single mom juggling career and family?
• A woman closing in on 40 with your a biological clock ticking?

Whatever the reasons you feel pressured by a severe time crunch may be, you simply don’t have time to waste with the wrong man. Really, who does? As a dating coach, I can tell you that I can practically guarantee endorsing this way of thinking is dramatically limiting your ability to find the right man. So many of my clients tell me they don’t want to waste time dating the wrong men. Even having a glass of wine or cup of coffee for one hour is more than they're willing to invest. This reasoning would explain why they have so few dates, because not many men can meet their extensive criteria. Only the best men will do because settling is not an option. So why waste time with the wrong man? But my question would be, how do you know who the right man is? Yes, you have some ideas about men, but what if you are basing your choices on snap judgments and not reality?

Please know that I say this with the utmost kindness and your best interest at heart. My hope is that you will permit this message to gently seep into your consciousness so that you can absorb it and apply it to your dating life to find the love you want. Each man you meet brings you one step closer to the right man for you. Most men have something to offer even if its simply the hilarious story of your disastrous or boring date to be shared with your girlfriends. Each guy represents an opportunity to practice your conversation and flirting skills. He’s giving you the chance to perfect the art of being a delightful woman. The kind of woman is who an amazing man would really go for. This is like field training and there is absolutely no substitute for the experience you gain in action. You are in no way wasting your time, not even a minute of it.

Here is what happens when you are hyper-selective about the men you will meet. You don’t go out on dates as often. You will likely not meet enough men to find a good match, and won’t be at your best when you do meet them. When you do go on a date, you complain afterwards about every guy and lump him into a huge pile of unsatisfactory men. You start to feel disdain for men in general. You dread the entire dating process, which makes you that much more selective. This way of thinking feeds on itself, and is sadly toxic. If you feel dating is a waste of time, how will you practice being your best flirty self with a man you don’t know? You can’t just turn it on when you meet the perfect guy because you need to be skilled, which only comes with putting in the time. Its just like you maybe practicing the piano, or me definitely practicing my golf swing.

Now I'll admit, you do need to have some base line criteria for what makes a man "date-able". Some qualities provide the foundation for a good relationship. You want to date men who are single and available. Men who are relationship ready, definitely of the same religion or political views and can take care of himself financially. These are very important considerations which make sense. I’m simply talking about being SO selective that no one makes the grade. This is what inhibits many women from finding love, but as it is in relationships, there are no short cuts to meeting Mr. Right
 

The truth is, sometimes you can’t tell exactly who the right man is until you give him a shot. In this past year, I have seen this happen over and over again. Women often think they know precisely the kind of man they want, but will that frame of thinking work in the real world? Does he even exist? The only way to know is to meet a variety of men so you can make sure. The right man is out there waiting to meet you, but he can’t find you if you refuse to do your part to cross his path. This is the advise I share with my relationship coaching clients. Find a way to acknowledge that each date is a practice session to hone your dating skills. Even if the guy is a dud, the good news is that you found a way to relax, to be yourself and to be delightful. Feel proud of your willingness to do what is necessary, because that is what it will take to achieve your goal of finding the right man and the love you dreamed of...

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Let's Get Naked (Guest Blogger)

Wow, you guys have been coming with it! I've asked for them, and you've answered and then some. Guest blogging is taking a lot of work off of me, and giving me at least one day to stay in the "love lab" to read, research and answer e-mail and voice mails. This week, stepping up to the blogging plate is my friend Phillip Brown...

Ladies and Gentlemen if you really want your relationship to last, then it’s important that you just get naked! Wait don’t take your clothes off, because that’s not the type of naked I mean, LOL! I mean it’s time for us to become transparent with one another. It's important that we as men and women get back to what God meant us to be to each other. God saw the need for man to have a companion. In Genesis 2:18 it says "And the LORD God said, it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." The word "helpmeet" basically means a suitable helper. Not a plaything, not an underling...but someone to work with Adam to take dominion over the Earth with. But ever since Adam and Eve both ate of the tree, there has been a major disconnect between man and woman that we are still struggling to get back to. Adam and Eve were created to be on one accord with each other spiritually, mentally, and physically. In the Bible it says, "And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Adam realized when Eve was first presented to him by God, that this was a wonderful thing God has created, because she came from me, she is of my bone, she is of my flesh, she is me! I have to love her; I have to treat her right because she is I. And what we fail to realize as men, that when we hurt and abuse our women, we are really hurting and abusing us.

What's the lesson here Ladies? If your man doesn't love himself, then he will never have the ability to love you the way you need to be loved. He shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, meaning he has to leave the childhood games alone. He has to grow up and be a man, and take on the responsibilities of a man. That's why Ladies you shouldn't attach yourself to someone that doesn't have a man mindset. You would still be messing around with a grown child. This is the most important part of the scripture, and this is where the disconnect happens: And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Now a lot of people just focus on Adam and Eve being naked physically, but we have to look deeper than that. Not only were Adam and Eve naked physically in front of each other, but they also were naked mentally, spiritually, emotionally with each other. They were not ashamed before they ate off the tree to be real with one another because they were one, they were on the same page with one another. They had nothing to hide, no hidden agendas, no secrets. They stood before each other naked and were not ashamed. 

A lot of us are scared to be naked with our spouses, and significant others. We as men are scared ladies, and quite frankly a lot of us don't know how to be naked in front of you. The key to a successful relationship is for us to be real with each other, and be real before God. Let’s get naked again, let’s be free to show each other the real us. Let’s get back to what God intended real relationships to be.

Grace and Peace Family.

If you have a view on love and relationships that you would like to submit for a chance to be a guest blogger on Tuesdays, all you have to do is follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and email me your blog along with a profile picture to therealcakebossblog@gmail.com. I believe more than ever that I'm not the only voice out here, and there are people who believe in love even if you've been heartbroken before. Let me hear from you!

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Unicorns and Good Men

Has this ever happened to you before? An attractive guy approaches you (at a bar, a party, wherever) and starts chatting you up. He’s nice, interesting, funny, and immediately you feel a spark for him. He asks for your number, but the moment you give it to him you think, “Well that was pointless. He’ll never call.” But then a day or two later he does call. Not only that, he asks you out on a date. You go out to a great restaurant, have a fascinating conversation, and he ends the night with a kiss. (and a really good one at that!) But instead of really letting yourself enjoy it, you translate the kiss to mean the big kiss-off, as in, “see ya later… I’ll never hear from this guy again.”

Surprise, surprise! The next day your phone rings and it’s him, calling to tell you what an amazing time he had last night and asking when he can see you for a second date. But instead of dancing around your living room in celebration of the fact that you met a good guy who is actually into courting, you spiral into a tailspin. You feel nervous, unsettled, everything is going just a little too well when suddenly you’re like: “WAIT-A-MINUTE!!! Something must be wrong with this guy!” Then you become determined to figure out exactly what it is. And if you can’t find something actually wrong, you may just end up inventing something disastrous in your head.

Nod your head if you’ve been there...it's ok.

It’s a sad state of affairs, but I think that most women have had so many negative experiences with men that they may find it virtually impossible to believe it when a relationship actually goes right.

It’s like until there’s a major flaw with a guy (either an emotional issue you need to ‘fix’, or a physical characteristic you need to learn to get over, or an indifferent attitude toward women that makes you think you need to convince a man that he's good enough for you), you can’t believe that he’s for real. In other words, when things are finally good, you actually end up creating your own drama just so you can say, “Ahhh, OK. This feels familiar.”

I swear…it’s like all the bad guys out there have ruined it for the good ones! When did women become so cynical? These days, women think a good man is like a unicorn. Women spend their childhood dreaming that they’ll actually find one someday, and when they finally do, they say “oh come on...this is just a figment of my imagination! Unicorns, I mean good men, don’t really exist”. The truth is, there are good guys out there! Why should it be so unbelievable to think that when one of them meets a phenomenal woman like you, he knows he needs to do whatever it takes to keep you? That he actually might want to call you just to hear your voice? That he can’t wait for his next date with you to get to know you better, and hopefully get another one of those amazing kisses he was so lucky to receive last time? You just have to do a little work to open your heart, shake off those years of bad experiences that may have made you cynical or un-trusting in any way, and get in the right frame of mind to receive the healthy love you truly do deserve!

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A Woman's 3 Catagories

Men, let me help you for a minute. Women will classify you even before you say one word to them. When you approach women, they already subconsciously know whether they will like you or not. Here are the 3 categories that women put you in when you approach them: Winner, Loser, and Maybe. I will take a look at these 3 categories and figure out ways to get men into the winner category. If you're currently struggling with dating and need some help with your love life, then this blog is just for you.

1) The Winner Category - To get in the winner category, you have to have a few things going for you. If a woman sees you and you remind her of someone who she thinks is attractive, then she will be receptive to what you have to say. If you dress in a way that she finds attractive, then she will again be receptive to what you have to say. These are two ways that women instantly put you into the winner category. So how you look and how you dress play a big part in being someone that a woman likes. You should analyze your wardrobe and take a look to see if you're dressed in a way that says "attractive". You should also consider putting on some cologne because women like this and are attracted to this in a man. However, its what you say after how you look and dress that will keep you in this category.

2) The Loser Category - This is definitely a category that you don't want to be in. Maybe you can relate to this category in one way or another. Have you ever met someone before, and for no reason you didn't like them? Well this is how you can put yourself into the loser category almost instantly. Women do this too, and they are well-trained in knowing what they want and don't want (its called discernment). If you appear unconfident, have bad breath, or are dressed in a way that says "eww", then you will immediately be placed into this category and anything that you have to say will come in through one ear and out the other. Unless you have something really great going for yourself, you will find yourself here a lot if you just appear like a loser to a woman. More than 90% of the time women will reject you and you will make no progress with women. You never want to end up here, so let's take a look at the final category.

3) The Maybe Category - This category is where women are still undecided about men, so you have to do a little bit more convincing to do before she says "yes" to you. This is where most men who are "average", make the biggest mistake and lie because they have to do a little bit more selling before she will say yes to them. Being in the maybe category isn't necessarily a bad place to be in because you still have a chance. You're job now that you've approached her is to strike her interest in conversation and confidence. Hopefully you have a few ice breakers that will help you, and your body language should be gushing with confidence also. You still have a chance to get into the winner category, but it will take a lot more work on your part. Do yourself a favor and learn as much as possible about her and don't dominate the conversation. If men would quit talking about themselves long enough to read the faces of the women they meet, men can have the dating success they desire. Good luck with your dating...

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Who Picks Up The Check?

Today I’m going to talk about the messy and confusing etiquette of paying on dates, pausing first for a historical ramble about changing customs. Transitional periods are difficult. Old certainties have been destroyed, and new ones haven’t had time to grow yet. When this happens, it means that every interaction has to be negotiated and every choice is laden with meaning. You can see why people sometimes long for a return to the simplicity of earlier times, even if that simplicity had its own problems. Consider women who marry changing their names, for instance. Until relatively recently, it was overwhelmingly common for women to change their names to their husbands’ when they got married. Women who didn’t were seen as making a statement of some kind, but women who did change their name weren’t seen as taking any particular position. It was just what everyone did. I’m not endorsing it – I think that, in a lot of ways, the custom represents a historical attempt to make women’s identities invisible. But the universality of it meant that it was invisible to most people.

By contrast, some women who marry today change their names, while others don’t. Some couples hyphen both names. I even know one couple who both adopted a new family name based on a combination of their original names. Whatever you choose, someone’s going to disapprove. So it turns out I was going somewhere practical with this, albeit in kind of a roundabout manner. What I really wanted to do was apply this thinking to the question of paying for dinner. At the moment, I think paying for dinner is in one of these transitional phases, and the result is that it can be a little awkward to figure out who pays, especially on first dates. Ok, a lot awkward.

The old etiquette, which was in the process of dying out when I started dating, was very simple: the man paid. For everything, every time. This etiquette was based on a lot of assumptions, like the idea that the man would probably have a job while the woman probably wouldn’t. That my friend, was outdated long before the rule died out. Women didn’t like it because it made them feel like lesser partners, men didn’t like it because it was expensive, and people who spend too much time thinking about the sociology of dating etiquette (like, ahem...me) didn’t like it because of the creepy implications about power relations between men and women. But it had one tremendous advantage: everyone knew it and understood it. Sometimes people will stick with a system that has major flaws just because learning a new one is difficult and intimidating. By contrast, current dating etiquette is much more flexible. Some couples always split the check. Others decide who pays usually based on who’s been paid more recently. Some couples race for their wallets at the end of a meal, and whoever plunks the money down first is the winner...or loser, depending on your perspective. And still others maintain the old-fashioned rule that says that the man always pays. As an sidebar, can I ask my female readers something? When you offer to pay and a guy insists once, that’s fair enough, I suppose, because he might think you’re just being polite. But when you tell him you’re serious and he still insists, that’s really annoying, right? I always think it is when I see people do it. Am I alone here? Men often call this “being a gentleman.” Apparently they were taught some definition of “gentleman” that involves ignoring someone else’s wishes.

All of these methods, from splitting the check down to the last penny to having one partner pay for everything, have something to recommend, but you have to agree on them with your date. This means that you have to have a conversation on your first date that is absolutely inappropriate for a first date. First dates are meant to be low-pressure situations in which each party sounds the other out, looking for similar interests and the ever-elusive “spark.” The conversation about who pays for dinner is like a laundry list of first-date conversation no-no's: money, sex, politics and cultural expectations. To make matters worse, many guys have a feeling like they’re being tested on first dates – and this is not completely wrong. As a result, they may take a position they don’t really hold because they think it’s what their date wants to hear. This can be a little embarrassing if the relationship prospers, because eventually they’re likely to wind up backing away from it.

As a final complication, there’s still a little incentive for guys to adhere to the old model of paying for a date. If a man offers to pay and his date likes the traditional model, she’ll be happy. If she doesn’t, she can always propose splitting the check or say “all right, but I’m buying next time”. By contrast, if he proposes splitting the check, a more traditional woman might feel a little offended or neglected. He might feel as though he looks cheap, and men are taught from an early age to feel pretty bad about looking cheap. In short, guys are profoundly unhelpful on this point. They are liable to offer to pay whether they want to or not, because they feel like they have to. This means that women may have to take the initiative if they don’t want their date to pay for everything. As matters stand, there’s no non-awkward way to do that. The best bet, then, is to have the awkward conversation quickly and with a friendly, understanding tone, get it over with, and move on. Mention it before you get to the restaurant: “I hope you don’t mind splitting the check,” or “will you let me buy you dinner?” or something. If you’re happy to keep the traditional arrangement, say nothing. Most men will still assume that silence implies that the man pays. You may worry that your date resents having to pay for everything. And he might. But there’s no way to know without discussing the matter...