Case in point, Paul McCartney married
for the third time to Nancy Shevell, who is also
divorced. McCartney‘s first marriage to Linda Eastman lastly nearly
thirty years, which ended when she passed away. His next marriage
to Heather Mills was a disaster of epic proportions (I can identify with this). He probably wasn’t
ready, not being fully over the loss of Linda, and as a result, it looks
like Paul chose very poorly and was terribly unhappy (I can REALLY identify with this). But, time has passed and McCartney has probably done some healing work. He and Nancy tied the knot in London. You know they say the third time’s the charm! Now,
it is true that a divorced man has his share of baggage. He has a divorce agreement which means he might have to pay alimony, and if he
had children, he has to pay child support. Truth is,
men who have never married can have baggage too. They could have
children, ex girlfriends and live-ins, etc. In no way do divorced men
corner the baggage market by any means.
Dating coaching clients of mine who are dating after 40
also ask me about men who have been married several times. Many people
are suspicious of men with several ex-wives. Could this be a bad sign
about their ability to maintain a commitment? Maybe, but not
necessarily. I know many couples with one partner who had been married
three times, and the last and current relationship can be the one
that works, lasting 10, 15 years or more. History does not always
predict the future, so this could also be true for you. Sometimes women
come to me embarrassed that they have had multiple failed marriages. As a
dating coach, I often help them re-frame their history. Yes, it’s true,
their marriages ended. But, when you think about our lives today, not
much stays the same for so many people. Life is changing at a
faster pace than ever before, especially when compared to our parents’
lives. How many people live in the town where they grew up, are in the
same job they got straight out of college, or stay in their first house?
Now more than ever change is the norm, so it’s not that surprising to
think you might have grown out of your relationships either.
The
real question is, what did you learn from the divorce? What would you do differently next
time? What works for you and what doesn’t? If you've learned and
grown from your mistakes, that's a good thing in THIS dating coach’s
book. Same thing applies to the men you date. Does he admit making
mistakes in his marriage? Did he learn from them? If his relationship
with his ex is still toxic, then maybe he’s not such a good choice. If
he has grown as a result of his failed relationships, if he’s focused on
personal development, gone to therapy, joined self help groups, or
taken workshops...these are indicators that he may have evolved as a
result. The only hard and fast rule I recommend when it comes to
divorce is to wait at least one year after your own divorce before
getting serious with anyone new. And, try to avoid men who haven’t been
officially divorced for at least one year as well. It takes time for the
heart to heal after the breakup of a marriage or a long-time live-in
relationship. Steer clear to give yourself the best shot of connecting
with a partner who is relationship ready and not on the rebound...
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