How To Get The Spark Back!

Time can erode the feelings of care and concern in even the best of relationships. People stop doing the nice little things they used to do for each other because they're too tired, too stressed out, or start waiting for the other person to do something nice first. Eventually, both people feel taken for granted and horribly lonely.

Small acts of kindness, or what I call caring behaviors, can be any verbal or nonverbal expression of interest, concern, or affection that is offered frequently and on a regular basis. Things like taking your partner warm towels after a bath, or surprising your partner by arranging for a babysitter, are excellent examples of caring behaviors. These seemingly small caring behaviors are the lifeblood of a relationship because they offer both partners frequent signs that they are valued and that the relationship is important.

Caring Behaviors at the Start of a Relationship. 

At the beginning of a relationship, there's much that happens automatically. It's usually called romance, or the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Take a minute to recall all the wonderfully simple but significant gestures you used to offer your partner. Remember how much fun it was thinking about your partner in anticipating their needs: selecting and making the perfect card, making that special dinner she always raved about, or giving one of your "to-die-for" foot rubs.

What leads to the decline of these caring gestures and the good feelings that go with them? The answer is surprisingly simple; it's the result of basic neglect. Over time, people fail to give proper attention to their partner and the relationship they share. This usually isn't caused by malice. Couples stop making kind gestures to each other because of mistaken assumptions about the nature of lasting love.

Beliefs that sabotage caring behaviors:

1. These “small” behaviors are somehow frivolous or nonessential in a long-term relationship. All individuals need to know they are valued by their partner, not just in the beginning stages, but through out the lifetime of a relationship. What could be more important than making your partner feel cherished, important, and central in your life?

2. Because these activities initially come so easily, they should continue to be easy. I hear this over and over again in couple sessions. “If I have to work so hard in love, something must be wrong with the relationship” or “Isn't love supposed to be spontaneous?” Many people think that planning will take the spark out of things, but it doesn't have to. Sometimes planning can actually intensify the spark. The sheer anticipation of being with your partner, and doing something special for him or her, intensifies the whole experience. The idealization of spontaneity can be dangerous. When you first start to notice that sensations you had early on in your relationship have dwindled, you're likely to panic. Something must be wrong! Maybe the relationship wasn’t right to begin with, maybe you weren't really in love at all, or maybe your partner has changed. You don't stop to think that maybe the feelings are dwindling precisely because you're not doing all the little things you used to do to nurture your partner and the relationship.

3. You shouldn't have to work at love.  Many people think that love should not require any effort and that it should just magically happen. In truth, love requires regular refinement of basic relationship skills such as listening with understanding, expressing feelings with kindness, and resolving conflict without lapsing into criticism. Couples use these relationship enhancement skills generously in the early stages of their relationship. Over time however, people stop using their skills and rely more and more on the hope of getting what they want. They stop doing what they gladly did in the beginning.

 

Caring Behaviors List:

An activity I would assign to couples as “homework” is to make a list of “caring behaviors” and commit to doing at least one of them per day. The list below is from several sessions I've had over time. Reading through the list now, some of the items make me laugh. Hopefully the list will spark a few ideas of your own.

• Take a walk with your partner and hold hands; or, give your partner some time off from the family to take a walk alone
• Play some music and dance with your partner
• Do some exercises or stretch together
• Read a favorite story aloud to your partner at bedtime.
• Surprise your partner with a book or magazine and protected time to read it
• Read a poem to your partner
• Sing a love song to your partner (even if you don't have a great voice)
• Surprise your partner with tickets for special concert or performance (arrange a babysitter if you have kids)
• Have different background music on than you usually do, something that will have special resonance for your partner
• Help your partner arrange to spend some quiet time alone
• Arrange an outing that will allow you to meditate or spend some quiet time alone with your partner
• Let your partner sleep in 30 extra minutes while you make breakfast and get the kids up
• Support your partner in his or her pursuit of a favorite hobby
• Surprise your partner with a gift certificate for extra time to work on his or her hobby
• Arrange an outing connected with your partner’s favorite hobby 
• Watch an old sitcom from your childhood
• Arrange a night out at the movies, selecting a movie that your spouse has particularly wanted to see
• Prepare a bubble bath for your partner
• Put lotion on your partner’s back after his or her bath or shower
• Warm up towels for your partner for after his or her bath or shower
• Make your partner’s favorite meal
• Pack some favorite snacks for your partner to take to work when you know they are going to have a long day
• Go on a picnic together
• Go to an old fashioned ice cream parlor and share an ice cream soda
• Go to church together
• Pray or meditate together
• Read a favorite scripture or other inspirational passages to each other
• Clean up some part of the house or finish some long ignored housekeeping task that has hung over your partner’s head  
• Fix up a special corner of the house for your partner (for example, if your partner loves to draw, create a special art area) 
•  Have flowers delivered
• Take the children out so your partner can enjoy being home alone
• If your partner is usually the one who does the planning, come up with your own detailed plans for a vacation or weekend getaway
• Go to the park together, swing on the swings
• Surprise your partner with a hug or a kiss, maybe in a different spot than usual – a kiss on the back of the neck works
• Give your partner a foot massage
• Buy your partner one single, fragrant flower
• Sit outside and smell the fresh air 
• Take the dog for a walk together

When you do something nice for your partner, try to be low-key about it. Don't make any fanfare about what you’re doing. Most importantly, try to notice and show appreciation for what your partner is doing for you. That is the best part of the fun. You can humorously wonder to yourself, “Now, did he bring me that cup of coffee because he was doing the exercise?” In this way, you'll train yourself to pay attention to all the positive things your partner does, rather than dwelling only on the negative. I can tell you from personal experience, as well as working with many couples, that making an intentional effort to bring these small and caring behaviors into your relationship can make a huge difference...

relationshiplessons.net

Working On My Chapter 50

My heart is pretty much an open book. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember.  According to my heart, I've had my own story to tell and one day it would be read. Despite my heart being an open book, it is hard for me to let other people read my book. There are pain and secrets in there, and I can’t help but think – what if she reads my book and hates what is inside?

I am naturally an emotionally vulnerable and open person, yet to let another person inside feels invasive and painful. This is my paradox. It’s like a massage that hurts yet feels good at the same time. I want desperately to be understood, but in order for that to happen, I have to let others open that book and read what’s inside. The prospect of another human being knowing my secrets and emotional vulnerability is scary yet comforting, but I can’t seem to reconcile the two things.

I’ve opened my book to people in the past. In response, they’ve ripped the pages, spit on them, crumpled them up and burned them in effigy. I don’t know that I’m willing to take that chance again. What is the alternative? I’m not someone who can walk around with a closed book and subsequently a closed heart. I’m careful with books that belong to other people. I gently take care when reading their stories and not judge them by their cover. I wouldn’t intentionally destroy their stories, yet it’s human nature to hurt people. I’m sure in my lifetime I’ve skimmed over the pages of other people’s stories and not taken care to understand them. I wasn't as learned back then as I am now, however.

I’m sick of my stories at this point, and honestly, I don’t want to read my book anymore. I’ve been reading it for over four decades and I know all the stories and how they end. The pages are worn, old and yellow, and I don’t want to care about them but I do. I want to open someone else’s book and learn about them. I want to see their secrets and be privy to their pain. I want to know that person inside and out, just like I know my book. I’ll never get tired of her book. I’ll put it away in a safe place where no one can find it. It will be loved, and I will read pages of it each night. I won’t ever take that book for granted, or at least I’ll try not to.

We are our stories and our pain. We are our joy and our triumphs, and I want to know what is in your book. I can’t get close to you if you don’t let me see inside of it. So will you? Will you open yourself up to me? Because I’ve shown you my pain, I’ve shown you my scars, and yet I’ve only seen your cover. I’m waiting for you to be open for me.

relationshiplessons.net 

Cooking Up A Great Partnership

I love cooking. By nature, I’m a very spastic person, which means I can’t stay still to save my life. So when I first discovered cooking, it was quite the shock that I fell in love with it so quickly. Cooking takes time, it takes patience, it takes unbelievable discipline. Cooking asked me to do something I normally wasn’t able to do. It was asking me to be still.

When you cook you have to be in the moment, or else you might set your house on fire. You can’t walk away, you have to be there in the moment and focus on every little detail or all of your time could be for nothing! This was something I was not used to. The most tragic thing that would happen to me while I was trying to be the African American version of Gordon Ramsey, is that I would get halfway through preparing my meal and I would realize I didn’t have all the proper ingredients. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces. I would improvise and just push through and make the best meal with what I had, but it was never like the original recipe. I had to go out and collect the proper ingredients in order to make the meal the proper way.

In my last marriage, I thought we had the perfect relationship, pretty much like everyone else does in the very beginning of their relationship. I realized pretty quickly how wrong I was. We fought over and over, it didn’t feel like it would ever stop. We were both exhausted and ready to call it quits. The problem was we didn’t have the proper recipe! I know what you’re thinking, what the hell are you talking about, recipe? Relationships aren’t as simple as a recipe in a cookbook. Well, I challenge that idea. What if they honestly are? I think as human beings we like to make ourselves to be more complicated than we actually are. By nature, human beings are actually pretty simple creatures. The one thing I learned on this journey of trying to discover what a healthy relationship looked like was that we can only be as healthy in our current relationship as our parents relationship were in theirs.

Why, you ask? Well that’s the recipe you know. Think about it. If you grew up in a home where you’re parents only communicated through yelling and belittling each other, you’re more likely to do the very same thing in your relationship. That’s the only recipe you know for communicating. Sadly, the recipe your parents had isn’t the right one. It took me a long time to realize this and a lot of heartache along the way. So as usual, I’m asking you to not be like me. Take a hard look at the way you communicate with your current partner. If you can, try to remember how your parents communicated growing up, I bet you’ll realize a lot of similarities to your current communication style.

I know it’s easy to say this stuff, but how do you legitimately start this journey? I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some tips and advice on how to get started.

Find a good recipe– I can’t tell you how much reading books about healthy relationships and communicating have dramatically helped my relationships. The world is full of knowledge, you just have to go out and find it. Find a book about communication and read it together with your partner, or if their not ready for that, just read it on your own! Reading about communication techniques really helped me identify some of my own problems and learn new ones that help. 

Missing ingredients– If you keep trying to make a meal with some missing ingredients, you’ll always end up frustrated. Chances are most of your current relationship fights or problems arise from the past in some form or another. You and your partner should sit down and really just dive into past relationships and identify problems (missing ingredients) and events that more than likely shaped your attitude towards a certain subject.

Find a head chef– The reality is it’s really hard to change on our own, especially when it’s all we’ve ever known. On this journey to better myself in my relationship and communication skills, I sought out a therapist to help me. I have to say it was one of the better decisions I’ve made in a long time. Having someone on the outside professionally trained in these things can only improve your relationship. If you’re reading this and thinking “No way could I ever open up and talk to a stranger about this stuff.” Chances are, that’s hurting your relationship.

Keep the burner on low– Change isn’t easy and it’s a process, but you have to respect the process. I watch my nephew in his efforts to start cooking, and he is very impatient. He would always keep the burner on high in the hopes that it would cook the food faster and still be delicious. I would watch and say nothing because he didn’t want to hear my instruction about balancing the temperature so it would cook evenly. Needless to say, it didn’t work out the way he wanted it to. The food either burned on the outside or was under cooked on the inside. He always would be upset with the look, the texture and the taste. If you and your partner are trying to change the entire dynamic of your relationship, you and your partner have to have patience and let it cook slowly and evenly over time.

Thank you for allowing me to turn my love of food into some weird analogy for relationships. These steps may not exactly be the right steps, but I do think that it will guide you on the right course for a healthier relationship, not only with your spouse but with yourself…

relationshiplessons.net