Change Him, or Change Yourself?

How many times have you told yourself that he will change? Have you ever thought you could change him? Are you frustrating yourself (and maybe him) in your efforts to change his behavior? Maybe you’ve been in this situation or you probably know someone who has. Maybe you’ve been successful, or maybe you’ve had your heart broken. Either way, one thing is sure: he won’t change if he doesn’t want to. Well, I’m not going to give you advice on how to change your man. Instead, let me share a bit of insight on what you can do during the dating process. Consider it a better way to playing in the relationship chess match.

1) Determine if it’s a deal breaker. OK so maybe he has some annoying little habits like cracking knuckles or whatever. Is it something you can live with? I mean, I’m sure we all have some annoying habits. In fact, often we don’t even realize we do them. If you determine that it’s not a “deal breaker”, you’ll learn to live with it and maybe even (nicely) bring it to his attention if he is unaware. Careful though, he might bring up some of your quirks too. The point is, if it’s something you can live with, don’t make a big deal out of it. Now there are some things that should just be obvious deal breakers for someone looking for a serious relationship. These are called non-negotiables.

2) Non-Negotiables. Substance abuse, excessive drinking, violence, anger problems. Don’t expect these things to go away as he “grows up”. Things like these should not be tolerated. You deserve better so just avoid guys like that. No guy is worth getting beat up over. Don’t go into a serious relationship hoping that he will change or grow out of a “non-negotiable”. Non-negotiables don’t have to just be negative things you don’t want, but think of some positive things that you want in your future mate. I believe that having a similar outlook on life, dreams and sharing the same faith are also very important. It’s good to have an idea what you want before getting too serious.

3) Make a list. Even before you start dating, write down a list of the positive things you would like in your future mate, and the negative things you don’t want. Then determine how important they are to you. For example, have some non-negotiable deal breakers and some things you would like, but could live without. Just be serious and realistic. You deserve to be treated well.

4) Rate Your Date. OK, I don’t mean go home after your date and grade him on a scale of 1 to 10. But pull out your list. Does he hit one or more of your non-negotiables? Cut him loose. Is he missing some of your “would like, but don’t need’s”? Give him a chance. The “would likes” should just be a guideline. If you go into your dates knowing what you want and don’t want, then you’ll better be able to weed out the bad ones before you get too attached.

5) Review before getting too serious. So maybe you’ve been on a few dates and things are going good. Maybe you’re thinking about getting more serious with each other. This is where I would suggest having a look at your non-negotiable deal breakers again. Most people are on their best behavior when first dating. It can take several dates until you are both more comfortable and more personality traits start to surface. This is where many people make the mistake of thinking “he will change”. You made a list of non-negotiables for a reason. Doesn’t matter how rich or good looking he is, review that list of non-negotiables and stick with it. That’s why it is so important to be serious and think long and hard when making your list.

The most important thing is to know what you want in your mate and how you want to be treated. With that being said, make sure you treat him the way you want to be treated. Now it's your move...

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Why The Smartest Women Can Do The Dumbest Things

Have you ever looked back over your past relationships and said to yourself  “What the hell was I thinking???" As you honestly reflect on your past relationships, you will see that the red flags were waving all around you. There was a chance you may not have picked up on them because you were blinded by what you thought was love. But if you get real with yourself you will see that the red flags were there, waving right in front of your eyes, almost from the very beginning. But you chose to ignore them, right? So why is it when it comes to matters of the heart its easy for you to make the wrong decisions over and over again? One word…EMOTIONS!

You see, as human beings we are primarily driven by the emotional part of our brains. It doesn’t make a difference what our logical brain says, if we are emotionally attached to an outcome or situation, we almost always make the choice and decision based on what satisfies our immediate emotional needs. You will do this in almost every aspect of your life. You complain about your weight and how you don’t like what you see in the mirror, yet you will eat that extra piece of cake. You say you can’t afford something, but when there is something you really want, you break out the credit card and charge it even though your balances are getting harder and harder to pay off. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our dating and relationships. You continue to stay with a guy, sometimes for years, no matter how happy and unfulfilled you are. Your intuition is telling you to run but you continue to stay. Why? Because your emotions are running the show. No matter how your reality sucks you come up with every excuse, justification and rationalization as to why you should stay. Why? Because emotionally you want to stay.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to give your girlfriend advice in her love life but when it comes to your own you don’t practice what you preach? It’s easy for you to see that the guy she is with isn’t treating her the way she deserves and you have no problem pointing out what is wrong with her relationship. To you it’s obvious what she should do, yet when you are in the same situation, you do the opposite. It doesn’t make a difference how educated you are, if you don’t learn to operate from the logical part of your brain and make your choices and decisions based on what is right and best, you will continue to ride the "dating and relationship rollercoaster". And please don’t pull that “But I love him” crap. Love does not mean that you become a human doormat for a guy to walk all over you and treat you in a way less than you deserve. If I hear another unhappy and unfulfilled woman say “But I love him”, I’m gonna puke. That is not love…and you know it!

Love is two people honoring each other, respecting each other and enjoying the journey of life together in ways that make each other happy, and make each others life better. Here’s the deal. If you allow your emotions to dictate your choices and decisions you are going to continue to make dumb mistakes. You can blame all the men in the world, and you can complain how hard dating and relationships are, but if you take a good, honest look in the mirror and get real with yourself, you will see that you are making things hard and the reason you are making things hard is because your emotions are running you. So here is a simple word of advice that I teach my coaching clients. If you want to know what is the right and best choice for you in any moment, pretend that your friend is going through the same experience. Then step back and see what advice you would give her, and then follow that advice. It’s that simple.

Once you learn to control and manage your emotions and make choices and decisions which are in alignment with what it is your heart really desires, you will see that dating and making the right choices becomes much easier. Yes, there will be times that the emotions kick in and start leading you down the wrong path but because you will be better prepared to make the better choice it will be easier for you to create result you really desire, and deserve...

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Why Proposal Ultimatums Don't Work

If marriage is an important life goal for you, it can be frustrating to date someone for a long period of time without any assurance that the relationship is headed toward the ultimate commitment. In a perfect world, after several months to a year of blissful dating, men would treat their girlfriends to dinner at a fancy restaurant or whisk them off on a romantic vacation, where they would drop to one knee and produce a little blue box containing the engagement ring of her dreams. No hint-dropping or excruciating “where is our relationship going” conversations necessary. However, for reasons beyond most women’s control, it usually doesn’t happen this way. Maybe he’s got a different timeline in his head than she does. Perhaps he needs some time to save up for the ring. Another possibility is that he’s become so comfortable with the relationship that he’s too complacent to make a move. Or maybe he just doesn’t see a future with her.

Unless he’s extremely open with his feelings, there’s no way for the woman to know for sure what’s going on in his head. All she knows is that the relationship seems to be stalled and she wants to jump-start it toward commitment, now! So should she (or you, if you can relate) issue an ultimatum? Ok, I’m going to cut to the chase here. I don’t think that ultimatums are a good idea. However, I do have to say that I very much appreciate the idea behind them. In order to even consider giving an ultimatum, you have to have enough insight to come to two very important conclusions: The man in your life isn’t meeting your needs, and you deserve to be happy in your relationship.

THIS I can applaud, because it means that you’re listening to yourself and acknowledging that your needs are important. However, I strongly believe that the approach of issuing an ultimatum is a futile one, and here’s why: The American Heritage Dictionary defines ultimatum as: ”A statement that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted”. In layman’s terms, that translates to: “It’s my way or the highway”. And while laying down the law in such a dramatic way might feel empowering while you’re doing it, but the truth is that in doing so, you are really giving yourself the false illusion of power. In other words, you are trying to force a decision out of someone when you are actually powerless over the outcome. You can’t ever change another person or make their mind up for them. The only decisions that really “take” are the ones that a person makes for himself. In fact, the more pressure you put on him to do what you want, the more likely you are to drive him away. When a man feels like he’s been pressured to make a decision – even if it’s about a topic (like marriage) he’d previously been thinking about on his own – he starts to feel like his back is up against the wall and this “choice” you’re giving him isn’t really his choice at all. Even if he goes along with what you’re asking, chances are slim that you’ll be happy with the outcome.

5 Reasons Why Ultimatums Don’t Work

1.  It might not be a decision he would have come to on his own and he may end up resenting you for pushing him into it. You say, “Marry me or I’ll leave you.” He isn’t ready for  marriage but he doesn’t want to lose you, so he proposes. A few months down the road the uncertainty begins to bubble up inside of him and he starts feeling angry that he had to make his choice under duress. 

2.  You’ll never be sure that he really wants what you want. If he asks you for the commitment, you’ll know for sure that he wants it, rather than always wondering if he just gave in to make you happy.

3.  You shouldn’t have to force someone to give you what you  want. Which sounds more romantic: Being surprised by your boyfriend when he drops to one knee, sparkly engagement ring in hand, and says, “I love you and I can’t imagine spending my life without you” Or after a big argument, hearing him say, “You want to get engaged? Fine! If that'll stop you from nagging me then fine! Whoopee! We’re engaged!”

4.  You can’t change someone or have control over their actions. It’s a simple fact. One that will save you a lifetime of frustration and heartache if you can learn it now. Even if he accepts the terms of your ultimatum you have only temporarily manipulated the situation, not permanently changed the way he thinks or acts.

5.  There’s a good chance he’ll call your bluff. You might threaten to leave him if he doesn’t comply with your ultimatum, but have you considered the fact that he might choose to let you walk rather than give you what you need?

So, am I saying that if your guy won’t commit, you have to sit there and take it? That you should accept his behavior and just deal? No way! Your wants and needs are extremely important and should not be neglected. Instead of issuing an ultimatum, I recommend you try the healthy alternative: Calmly explain your needs and expectations. It may sound simple or even trivial, but stick with me here for a moment. Explaining your needs allows you to stand up for your beliefs and lets the other person know what expectations you have. BUT it allows them the dignity of making their own choice based on the information you give them. Hopefully, he’ll be smart enough to realize how amazing you are and will gladly do anything it takes to rise up to meet your needs and expectations. But even if he isn’t able to, then you have peace of mind knowing that you never lowered yourself to the level of threatening or groveling...

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Impatient Relationships (My Lesson)

Patience is a virtue... 

Slow and steady wins the race...  

Good things usually come to those who wait...

It’s funny how many anecdotes reference the benefits of taking our time. Yet we live in an instant-gratification society. We can cook a meal, access information or talk to someone on the other side of the world, all in an instant, but we easily grow impatient if things do not happen at warped speed in today’s society. In recent conversations with several of my friends, the subject of time and the pace of relationships came into play. I realized it is a common theme, but one that is often problematic. For some, their relationships ignite in an instant, like a flash fire in a pan, but cool off just as quickly. For others, they grow impatient when a relationship does not move along quickly enough into the stages of complete devotion. It seems we’ve lost our middle ground. There is only hot or cold, fast or slow, but nowhere in between. You might be able to make do with instant mashed potatoes in a pinch, but is instant really the best for relationships?

It seems many people often try to rush things when it comes to dating and relationships. Some people are impatient and afraid to be alone, so they often settle for the first person that comes along rather than waiting for the right person. Rushing into exclusivity or intimacy, not knowing if they really love someone, yet willingly giving themselves freely into commitment before they give themselves time to see if they are even right for each other...only to find out shortly thereafter that they weren’t. Still, there are others who grow impatient, and unwilling to give a perfectly good relationship time to develop naturally. They allow their own insecurities to get in the way and often push the other person away before they even give things a chance.

How do I know this? Because I’ve made many of these same mistakes myself, and I've learned a thing or two along the way. This after all, is the reason why the blog you're reading is called "Relationship Lessons". I've learned that I am often my own worst enemy and I often get in my own way of finding love, or at least developing a healthy and happy relationship. True, deep and meaningful relationships can take time to develop. Some cases of love at first sight may occur, but if you can fall in love in an instant, can’t you fall out of love just as quick? So based on what hasn't worked in the past for me, and the opportunities I missed due to my own impatience, I’ve decided to try a different approach. Rather than trying to control the speed of my relationships, I’ve decided to go along for the ride and let the relationship move at its own natural pace. Ultimately, I am looking for a long-term relationship, not just a long weekend, so there is no rush. Thankfully, I no longer feel like the little kid in the back seat of the car anxiously asking “are we there yet?” Instead, I get to sit back, relax, and simply enjoy the ride with a fantastic woman which may include a forehead kiss or two here and there. Its not just the destination, but its the journey that we take to get us there that is part of the adventure too. So I am trying to savor every moment, every step, every forehead kiss, and for the first time in my life I've found my middle ground. Its completely out of character for me, and different from anything I have ever experienced, yet ironically its working, continuing to grow and move forward, slowly but steadily. Though some people think being patient is a sign of weakness, I see it as a sign of strength and self-control. It takes training and discipline and though it may not always be easy, but like I said at the beginning of this blog, good things usually come to those who wait. Someone worth having is someone worth waiting for, and I believe the one I'm waiting for is definitely worth it. This just so happens to be MY relationship lesson...

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Relationship Regrets (Guest Blogger)

This week I want to share with you an e-mail I received talking about the lessons learned from her past relationship and the regrets she carried as well. This is one of the most powerful lessons I've heard in a while, so please open your heart and your minds to hear from Kendra from Chicago... 

During my adult life, I did not realize that there was so much power in my words. Not until I became a member of my current church, New Life Covenant, did I realize that I have authority when I speak. My pastor, John F. Hannah quoted the scripture Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof”. When God created the Heavens and the earth, in Genesis Chapter 1, He spoke it into existence. You may be saying to yourself what does this have to do with relationships? Everything! We have the power to speak how our relationships will turn out.

I dated a few men before I was married at the age of 22. Even though I was raised in church, I did not always live a Christian life, and I did not always obey the word of God. I dated men who were not of the same faith. As a matter of fact, I married a man who was a Muslim. This was a mistake from the beginning because we were unequally yoked, but the Bible says that the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and 1 Peter 3:1 says “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives”. Even though I wanted my ex-husband to be saved, my words and my actions did not reveal this desire. The end result is I did not win him over. When I was disappointed in him or disapproved of my ex-husband, I cut him with my words. I didn’t speak life to him, I spoke death. Therefore, he ate those words and always felt defeated. At times, he did not even try to do better. I said things like “you are not a man” and “I don’t need you” and “you are sorry” and “I can do bad all by myself”. These are things that I should not have said.

I should have been encouraging him and helping him as his helpmeet. When he came home from completing job applications, I should have said “everything will be alright because you are trying” or “I am proud of you" or thank you for trying to be the man of this house and taking care of me”. I should have been his biggest cheerleader, but I was not. And guess what...someone else was! Therefore, my husband’s physical body was with me but his heart was far from me. He left the marriage before we were divorced. During these ten years of marriage, I learned a lot that has not only helped me in my friendships but will also help me in my future marriage if the Lord sees fit.

We can learn a lot from each other when it comes to relationships, but we do not want to talk about them. We don't want to be transparent either because of fear, or because we are not free ourselves. I speak freely about my previous marriage and past relationships because they don't affect me today. We should be able to grasp a lesson out of every relationship that we are in. If you want to hold on to your relationship, speak life even when it seems the relationship is dead. While I do regret the things I said to my ex-husband, I thank God for the experience because it was a growing pain for me. What I regret the most was telling my ex-husband to hit me. I wanted him to hit me so that he would go to jail. I threatened him many times, but he was man enough to never lay a hand on me. It's sad, but I was willingly provoking a man to abuse me when so many women suffer from abuse innocently everyday. 

Pride will have you say things that you will regret, but as humans and in this flesh, we are bound to make mistakes. It is my prayer that we learn from each other and not repeat the same mistakes. Lastly, I repeatedly told my husband to leave me if he did not want to be with me. When we separated, I wanted to try and work things out, but guess what...he did not want to try to work things out. I got just what I spoke! So be careful of what you ask for and the words that you speak. You will reap what you sow. Build up your mate and your friends and encourage them to do well. We should focus on being more positive and edifying each other. “Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). Kind words are good for the soul and body! 

You too can share your lesson by sending an e-mail to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com along with a profile picture, and what you've learned from your past relationship, or what you're now learning in your present relationship. The lessons YOU'VE learned can help someone else too!

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The Curse of the Relationship Jackpot

Wouldn’t it be amazing to win the Lottery? Overnight you’d go from stressing about budgets and bills (like we all do), to having more cash than you could count. You could pay off your mortgage, or buy a new house, or surprise each person in your family with a shiny new car, or go on spending sprees where nothing is off-limits. All of your problems would be solved! Or would they? You see, there’s something called The Curse of the Lottery. If you Google it, you’ll find dozens of stories of people who were destroyed by a sudden windfall of wealth. Without a plan for their new lives (or in some cases, common sense), they were torn apart by divorce, drug and alcohol addiction, family jealousy and greed. Um OK, where am I going with this, you may ask? That sure is a dramatic analogy, but it reminds me of what happens when some people hit the “jackpot” of love: They finally have everything they’ve ever wanted in a man or woman, then they do everything in their power to completely sabotage the relationship.

Let’s use Maggie (not her real name) as an example. After years of being in one dramatic, unhealthy relationship after another, she was finally ready for a change. She’d decided it was time to put in the work to find "The One" and create a healthy, committed, lasting relationship. She worked on her self-esteem issues. She cleared away some of the negative beliefs from her past and started to realize that yes, she did deserve love. She stopped chasing guys who weren’t interested, and instead allowed her feminine charm and confidence to radiate, attracting available men without her having to do much of anything. Instead of her usual method of operation (hopping into bed at the first sign of a man showing interest) she learned that she was worthy of being courted and taking her time. She got to know the men she was dating, and became secure in being selective. Then…JACKPOT! Maggie struck it rich in love. She met Mr. Right: handsome, smart, funny, charming, successful, and — here’s the best part — TOTALLY INTO HER! He couldn’t get enough of her. He took her on dates, and at the end would say, “When can I see you again? What are you doing tomorrow?” He complimented her beauty, her brains, he told her she made him feel like he had a new lease on life. After dating for a while, he told her, “I am in love with you, and although I know we need to take our time, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” [Cue the "Hallelujah" chorus] So what did Maggie do? Email me her Relationship Lesson and then ride off into the sunset with her perfect new man, enjoying her Happily Ever After? Unfortunately, no. Maggie freaked out.

One of her emails read, “I don’t know what my deal is. I love this man. I’m trying to believe he loves me. But it all seems too good to be true. I feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like one day I’ll wake up and it will all be a dream, or maybe he’ll wake up and realize I’m not what he wants after all.” I encouraged her to hold tight to her new, healthy approach to relationships. She said she would, and then her communication with me dropped off for several weeks. During this time Maggie backslid into her old habits and behaviors. Instead of feeling confident and worthy, she began to let insecurity and fear take hold. And then she did everything in her power to sabotage this amazing new relationship. You see, Maggie was used to heartache and settling for less than she deserved. Even though it was painful, it felt familiar. A healthy partnership with a man who cherished her was almost too much to take. For too long she had trained herself not to hope too high, not to expect too much, all to protect herself from disappointment. But where Maggie went wrong is that she failed to follow through. Unlike some other methods out there, this is not some manipulative set of tricks to snag a man. It’s a way of life that starts with cultivating love from the inside out. You can’t just drop everything you’ve learned once you get the guy. You have to make a choice every day to keep building your self esteem, to believe in your worthiness, to strive to understand men better, and most importantly, to date yourself first.

Maggie and I are back in touch and, with some encouragement, she is getting back on track. Luckily her guy is so smitten with her, that he didn’t get scared away by a few bumps in the road. I won’t get too far into details, but suffice to say Maggie (again, not her real name) brought up some heavy conversations too soon and exhibited some unwarranted jealousy. I think these two could really make it, provided Maggie can let go of the fear and allow herself to enjoy the feeling of being loved just for being her. Don’t let yourself fall victim to The Curse of the Relationship Jackpot...

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No Hiding on the Weekend

Do you have big plans for the weekend? Some people pack their weekends with activity. Some have loose plans and still others play it by ear. None of these choices are right or wrong. But if you are single and serious about looking for love, then what steps will you take towards that goal? Perhaps you want to take a long bike ride, go kayaking, or play golf. Any of these options could provide a way to meet new prospects. Go for it!

As a relationship coach for people over 35 or dating after divorce, here’s what I advise you not to do – hide out. One of my clients this week admitted that she often avoids being social by entertaining herself or hanging out with girlfriends. These alternatives are fine, but they will not help achieve her goal of finding a long-term, loving relationship. The desire to hide out is understandable. It feels easier to just live the life you know then risk getting out there, being rejected or not meeting anyone new. Yet, when you think about it, the risk of hiding out is far greater than the risk of rejection. How? Because getting rejected is a quick experience in this moment, then it ‘s over. Hiding out impacts your future!

There are a lot of emotional reasons why you may prefer to hide and that is certainly your choice. But, if you truly desire love, then you will have to find a way out of your non-dating inertia. Chances are strong the first few times you venture out because you forced yourself to go. After three or four times, you may be surprised that you start having fun and enjoy meeting new people. You never know who you will meet or who might connect you to “the one.”

If you want to find love, hiding out is not a productive choice. Once in a while everyone deserves to hide out. Just don’t make it a habit. Prince Charming is not going to knock on your door. You have to go out in public for him to find you. Are you willing to meet him half way? Why not help the guy and get out there tonight?

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Lessons Learned (Guest Blogger)

You don't get what you want if you don't ask for what you want, and since I have asked for you to share with me your personal relationship lessons, I have received so many! For those of you who don't know, on the Relationship Lessons facebook page, I stated that what you learned as far as relationships go can help someone else while they're facing it, or help someone get past it themselves. I invited everyone to share with me what they have learned in their relationship process, and so today I share with you a lesson from Nellie.

 

So many lessons learned in such a short time. I never knew how it felt to have my heart broken over a relationship that lasted only 10 months (in the place I live, it's a short time). When I was hurt by the person I used to call "the one" (also known as C), I realized what my ex of 3 months had felt (lets call him B, because there was also an A). B and me broke up because he didn't try enough. At least that's what I thought. I didn't know he was giving his all into it. I just couldn't see it. Whenever we crossed paths, he would avoid looking at me. He would be revolted by my presence around him, and I thought how could a person not be over a relationship after 7 years. When C lied to me and gave me reason I didn't want to understand, I thought of how B must have felt. He must still be hurting and wishes we had never met. I was feeling the same for C. I tried apologizing for what I did, because I knew that's exactly what I wanted from my new ex...a heartfelt "sorry".

 

But there is no point in expecting an apology when you haven't apologized for the wrong you did to someone else. I am talking about B and C when A was the love of my life. If I could go back in time, I would go back to him. I know that neither of my first two exes have moved on. The day you move on is the day you meet your ex and feel nothing at all. I feel nothing for them when I meet them or watch them from a distance. Maybe I am a ruthless person with no emotions, but I can see the pain in their eyes. I can now feel the pain they felt. I was hit by Karma for all my misdeeds.

 

No person is bad in this world. Everyone has a good side, and it's all about priorities. The mistakes I made with my exes made me realize that I shouldn't repeat them with my new guy. Guess what? I got served exactly what I deserved. I was left crying and broken, and I never knew the reason except maybe we didn't belong from the same clan and were from different religious backgrounds. I never knew love was judged on the basis of these petty issues. I know my family wouldn't have an issue, and even if they did, I was ready to fight the world for my love. The thing is, he wasn't. I tell myself that I probably couldn't understand his side of the story, the fact being I didn't want to. I loved him and he loved me. That was the only reason in the world anyone needed to stay together-LOVE. I've learned that you can't force love into your life. You might be ready to fight the world and actually practice what you preach, but if you don't have the support of your partner, you can't fight the world on your own. You can do all you want to undo the wrong done, but what's done is done. You can lay down everything in your life for that one person, but they will never come back to you. They will never care about the tears you shed, and all of those sleepless nights for months on end. All your love and care will be thrown into a pile and you'll be sorry. You'll realise that if you hurt someone in the past, it'll come back to haunt you in the future. Love is an emotion that makes life worthwhile. It's what keeps you going during your tough times, but it can turn out to be your worst nightmare. You can start hating the thought of ever falling in love again.

 

Send me what you've learned, or what you would like people to know about the state of your relationship to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com along with a photo and where you live in this big old world of ours, and you too can be a guest blogger...

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When Men Aren't Sure Of What They Want

Gina asked this question on the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook: “When a guy uses the I’m not sure what I want line, what exactly does that mean?” Well, it would seem like this ambiguous statement from a man would be a difficult thing to decipher. However, as a dating coach, let me reassure you that it’s rather simple to understand. One thing I learned through my own dating experience and with the people I have worked with is, men often tell you exactly where they are at, who they really are and what they really want. Problem is, many times women don’t know how to listen and read between the lines. Or in some cases, they actually choose to ignore the red flags that have been clearly stated, thinking things will be different this time. So, allow me to be super clear on this: When he says he is not sure what he wants, what he means is, he is not sure what he wants. Yeah I know, how could it be that simple? Well, it is. When a man doesn’t know what he wants, what he is saying is:

• I don’t know what will make me happy
• I don’t know if I want a long-term relationship
• I don’t know if I want a one night stand
• I don’t know if I want a girlfriend
• I don’t know if I want you

While he doesn’t know what he wants, here’s what you can know for sure about a man who says this to you: You risk that he will try to figure it out with you. That means he might jerk you around, not because he’s mean or a bad person, but because he’s confused about what he wants. He doesn’t know and he isn’t sure. So, what should you do when you hear a man say this? Run! What do you want most in a man? You might think good looks, money, honesty, intelligence, success, fun, a sense of humor, etc. But the number one thing that you want in a man who has long-term relationship potential is that he KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.

• He knows he’s looking for the right woman to share his life with
• He knows the type of woman who he gets along with
• He knows the kind of woman who will make a good partner for him
• He knows he’s ready for a committed relationship
• He knows he wants you!

Gina, your first step is to start paying attention to what men say. Don’t interpret the message or look deeper for the true meaning. Don’t analyze with girlfriends hoping to figure him out. Don’t think things will be different with you than with his other relationships. Often a man’s thought process is much simpler than a woman’s tends to be. The best thing to do is take him at face value. If a man tells you he doesn’t know what he wants, recognize that he’s honest, but confused and probably not good boyfriend material...

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Blame Disney

There are over 100 million single adults over the age of 25 in our country and for most of these adults the thought of being single and dating is similar sometimes to having a red hot poker jammed in your eye. Based on the research of some, most single women don't like dating and being single. When it comes to finding that special guy to share their life with many of these women state there is hope in their heart, but they honestly admit they are not too optimistic of true love being in their future. Why do these women feel this way? Many base it on their experience with men and their past relationships. Imagine if you wanted to eat some Italian food, and every time you went out to eat Italian food you had a bad experience. It wouldn’t be long before you started saying to yourself “Italian food sucks”. It would be only natural, and who could blame you? Here you are trying to find a great place to enjoy your favorite food, but every time you thought you found “the one” it left you unsatisfied and disappointed.

Well, isn’t that how it is for you with men and your relationships? You want a great guy but after each guy you date, and each failed relationship it makes it harder to believe that true love actually exists, doesn’t it? It’s understandable because I felt that way a long time ago too. In fact, I have a theory and I call it the “Disney Myth”. And this theory says that the reason most women have a hard time with men and relationships is because they have a distorted view of what true love really is. As a little girl grows, she hears story after story about how she needs to be saved by a prince on the white horse or rescued by some knight in shining armor. These stories unknowingly paint a picture that in order for a woman to live happily ever after, she needs a man to rescue and save her. She learns that her ultimate life happiness depends on a male hero. This storyline exists in most of the Disney movies, including Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, etc. In the 70’s and early 80’s Disney movies played a role in the childhood of most kids. But as I got older and started dating I soon realized that many of these single women who had grown up in this era had an unrealistic distortion of love and relationships.

I learned that life was going to throw stuff at you, and if both people weren’t prepared to handle what life was throwing at them and not work together, the chances of living happily ever after as portrayed in the Disney movies becomes much more difficult to achieve. What Disney left out of all of these movies is there is something called "the life after you fall in love". True love is a commitment between two people to be there for each other and to support each other in the face of life and all of its challenges. Because the truth is no matter who you are, life is going to throw stuff at you. And if your “Prince” doesn’t have the skills and tools to meet your needs, it won’t be long before happily ever after turns into miserably divorced. I find it amazing that in the world we live in our educational systems teach us NOTHING about relationships. I went to school for 16 years, and in those 16 years I had NOT ONE class on relationships and what would be necessary to increase one’s chances of living happily ever after. Unfortunately I had to figure it out on my own. I took my relationship lumps and bumps, and made a lot of bad choices along the way, but I ultimately figured it out. I learned that the key to a happy, fulfilling and successful relationship is picking the right partner for the right reasons. It is about being clear about who you are and what you have to offer and picking a partner who compliments you, and who is on the same page in regards to your life goals and visions. A relationship is a true partnership between two people. It doesn’t make a difference how cute you look together or how much you think you love each other. What matters most is the two individuals love, respect and honor each other in a way that they work together to create the results that they both desire. Many little girls grow up and dream of finding their prince. They grow up dreaming about being the princess and wearing the white dress one day. Years are spent focusing on the fantasy of the wedding day and what it will be like. For many that day comes, and once that day is over they realize that true love and having a successful relationship is much more than they realized. Unfortunately Disney left that part out...

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What To Do With Your Newly Single Self

When I have been in a relationship for any extended period of time, I have felt quite lost when it has come to an end. Maybe it is because I have let too much of me go to be in the relationship, or maybe we all have to compromise a little something to stay with someone, or maybe it is a combination of both. I usually have this feeling of being a coiled spring that has been pushed all the way down, then being let loose. And like at the end of my last break-up, all of a sudden I was sprung free to be me! How incredibly awesome that felt to be catapulted back to life! Except for being left with the very brief quandary of wondering who am I again, and what do I like and not like to do, it took a while for the dust to settle but I was determined to find me again.

I thought that I would put together some interests for everyone to see what they'd like and don’t like to do, so you can get motivated to find yourselves and remember that you do have a self buried in there somewhere. I would love to know ideas of activities and interests, if you know of any, to be added to this list as well. We should date ourselves first and fill up our own lives, because who knows when Mr. or Ms. Right is going to suddenly appear. When it happens, we won’t have as much free time, so we best get cracking and make the most of our lives right now! This list is far from exhaustive, and many of these interests are bound to have clubs attached to them if you are game to join. I have tried to also include activities that are of little or no cost. Depending upon the country that you are in, there are online social clubs out there with an enormously diverse range of activities organized by its members. These are not dating clubs, they are people like you and I who like to be out and about doing things and meeting new people.

Traveling, join a health club, learn how to ride a motorcycle, play golf, play tennis, learn how to bowl, cooking classes, ceramics, painting, dancing lessons, movie clubs, book clubs, dog walking, basketball, photography, hiking, biking, skydiving, volunteer service projects, political action groups, 4 wheel riding, home repair, automotive repair, and the list goes on and on...

I stumbled across one of these clubs when I was six months separated from my last wife, and since then, I have never looked back. Some of these groups are reasonably cheap, but please remember that these are clubs.You will meet people from every walk of life and every personality, so leave your judgement at home and go with an attitude of meeting new and interesting people that you would never normally have the chance to meet. You are all there to have fun and bond over common interests and activities. If you make friends along the way like I have, then even better! A word of caution, please think long and hard about dating anyone within these clubs. This is your safe place to go when you are by yourself, so be very careful about creating complications there. Instead of staying home and feeling lost and sorry for yourself, start getting on with your new life. You may not have too long to wait before you are back in a relationship again, so cherish every moment of your singlehood...

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