Indifference: The Common Denominator

When you long to feel for the one you’re with, it’s devastating to realize you cannot control indifference. You can only hope for a passionate future.

Picture this: “The Perfect One” walks into your life; you’re spellbound by her beauty, or he’s literally tall, dark and handsome. They're charismatic and hard-working, and they love their family. Above all else, they happen to adore you. Of course you’re smitten. How could you not be? But, it’s hard to ignore that tiny feeling you notice growing in a small corner of your heart. It’s the feeling that you don’t feel anything at all.

I’m sure you’re happy. You care about their well-being, and you enjoy the time you spend together. You may even love them as a person or as a friend, but you most certainly are not in love with them. This however, is a not a new concept. The idea of loving someone versus being in love has been explored time and time again, but this blog today goes a little deeper than that. This is about how much it can actually hurt to feel indifferent.

I guess you could say I came to this realization a little late in life. I had a few flings in high school with different women, but my first real relationship didn’t develop until I was about to begin my freshman year of college. Since that time, I've had quite the whirlwind of relationships in my life. It would be cliché to refer to them as a rollercoaster, but I’m not sure any other analogy would do it justice. The highs of love were very high (complete with selflessness and marriage), and the lows of love were very low (complete with screaming matches that woke the neighbors and the police called). Some of these relationships were also pretty unhealthy, yet I was undeniably full of feelings. Sometimes I felt my love for her radiate in my core and through every fiber of my being, and sometimes even when I hated her, it was always passionate.

One woman whom I chose to give my heart to, shattered my heart into tiny little pieces after about a year and a half. I trusted her, she cheated, and the relationship was over. My story happens all the time and is far from original, yet it was all new to me. You see, my life was that of a cheater, and after years of cleaning up my act and vowing not to be that guy again, the cheating was now being done to me and I turned into the classic receiver of what I was giving out for years. Karma, huh? After some time of mourning, I put all of my energy into moving on. I’m a pretty independent, no bullshit type of guy, so I figured I’d be “on to the next one” in no time. And boy, was I right.

You would think I'd be guarded after going through what I did. You always hear about women who get cheated on, and how they built a wall around their hearts in an attempt to prevent getting hurt again. On the contrary, I felt like I was more than ready to love and be loved again. I’m a very outgoing person, so it was always easy for me to meet new people. After a while, I found myself in a new relationship with a great woman. “That was easy,” I thought to myself. But, I was SO wrong. That relationship turned out to be one sided (mostly because someone else was on the other side of her). I wasn't used to any relationship being one sided, but I guess I got my taste of how that would feel. I soon realized the feelings of “love” I had were fading faster than they had developed. I began to feel indifferent toward what happened between us, and it genuinely upset me. She was sweet, and she cared deeply about me, but I knew in my heart of hearts that she would never treat me the way I thought I deserved to be treated. 

My last relationship about 3 years ago, wow. She was as close to perfect as I had ever known, and I convinced myself I was in love once again. We dated seriously before those familiar feelings of indifference started creeping in. They threw me off guard because I was sure this time would be different. Unfortunately, I began to feel all of the same things I had felt the previous time; only this time, I knew we were in much deeper. I knew this relationship was more serious, and I knew my lack of emotion was going to hurt someone once again. She was everything I could ask for in a person, yet I knew where things were heading.

So why could I no longer feel anything? I wasn’t unhappy, I was just flat. This upset me more than I ever would have imagined, and it was frustrating that I had little control over it. I was heartbroken because I felt heartless. My life's experiences had eventually made me "the common denominator". IT WAS ME MORE THAN IT WAS THEM, and I would've given anything to just feel something. It is undeniable that I tried. I tried my hardest to love the wonderful women who walked into my life, just as I had done the previous times, but you simply cannot force your heart to feel a certain way. Just like the other relationships that went awry, I knew I could only blame my malfunctioning feelings for the failure.

After some time, I became well aware that the first relationship I mentioned was not the person I was supposed to spend my life with, but I couldn’t help missing the real, genuine emotions I felt when I was with her. I found myself chasing those intense feelings with her again, and it was heartbreaking being unable to find them, no matter how diligently I looked. The cycle continued on for quite a while, only to feel more and more discouraged each time I felt nothing at all. I had no feelings whatsoever, just static.

I started to have a scary thought: What if Love's #1 Fan is incapable of loving someone? It wasn’t because I was guarded, or I hadn’t found the right person; maybe it was because something was wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t meant to feel those kinds of emotions again. I desperately wanted to give love away, and these thoughts were agonizing. As someone whose heart has been broken, and has broken a few hearts, I can say with confidence that while these things are hard to deal with, it can also be devastating to want to feel something so badly that you know you cannot.

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I’ve finally learned that people like me have to pull in the reins before getting ahead of themselves. I learned there was something wrong with me, and as "the common denominator" I had some internal flaw that prevented me from loving. My past relationships doesn't have to dictate how I treat my current or future relationships. I learned that I simply need to have patience, and so do all of you out there. It’s impossible to feel passionately about every potential partner who walks into our lives. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just reality. It just means that when I do meet “The Right One” my feelings will be anything but indifferent.

So, why do I continue to put myself out there? This type of exposure has really caused people to look at me sideways, I'm sure. I'm convinced that my relationship life (be it good, bad, or ugly) is a lesson for someone else to learn from, even when it is first a lesson for me. It's not fun in no means to lay myself on the sacrificial relationship altar and let the world observe the cutting, but a lesson is a lesson. You can call my life "preventative care" for your relationship soul...

relationshiplessons.net 

You Know He's A Keeper When...

I've made lists of my must-haves and have nots before. I made them mostly because I know there are unequivocally things you need any guy you date to have. You know, the basic core things, but it can't hurt to think a little bigger. That's not to say you need to have a laundry list of requests so long that it's impossible to find someone who meets all the criteria. Nor is that to say that you should be limiting yourself to one specific "type" of guy. I'm just saying that listing off all of the things you really, truly want in a guy is not a bad idea, and can help you recognize a great guy for you when you've found one. Here's a list of universal good-guy qualities that can help get you started. 

1. He's kind to everyone. 

Not just you on your best day but you on your worst. Same goes for the waiter who brought the wrong appetizer, his coworkers, his family, your family, and pretty much everyone. Someone who is genuinely kind spreads kindness wherever he goes.

2. He's genuinely happy. 

A happy person is not only a healthy person, but also someone who is optimistic and fulfilled. Who wouldn't love a life with someone like that?

3. He loves you. 

Yeah I know, but I mean he loves the real you. Not just the way you look, or the things you do for him, or the fact that you are conveniently 4 inches shorter. He must love the unique things about you, like how you're always 30 minutes late to everything, how you put exactly three lemons in all your drinks, the long-winded way you tell a story, and how you always need the toilet paper roll so that the top flap faces down.

4. He makes you smile. 

When you're with him, and when you think about him. This voluntary reaction somehow isn't voluntary, but becomes emotionally mandatory for your existence. If out of the clear blue sky, the very thought of his presence doesn't overtake you with a big goofy grin at some point, then you may have to re-think him.

5. You can be yourself around him. 

No matter how much you might be into someone, it's never going to be real until you can let down your guard around him. I know it's hard these days to let your defenses down with anyone, but if he ever has a chance to be in your heart, you gotta send "the representative" away and let him see who you really are.

6. He's the only one you fantasize about. 

You know that thing that always turns your head when a good looking guy walks by? Maybe you're a sucker for pretty eyes, or broad shoulders, or chiseled arms? Sex appeal is a total package that mercifully factors in more than just abs, and your guy doesn't need any of those things as long as he's the one you want to be with.

7. He doesn't put up with your crap. 

Whether it's yelling instead of talking, being passive-aggressive when you're upset, or some sort of family/work issue you're taking out on him. He knows your patterns and not only talks to you about them kindly but offers support when and where you need it. Someone who can see you to your very core, accepts your flaws, and only wants to help you be a better person? That's love.

8. He puts you first. 

When it comes down to it, you are the number 1 most important person in his life, and there are no questions about that. If his friends want to do a guy's weekend, he says no because he's got a good thing going with you, doesn't want to get into trouble, and knows it will mean missing that concert you really want to go to. If his mom hates the wallpaper you chose for your first apartment together, you'll never find out, because he tells her he's happy if you're happy, and that's the end of it.

These are just a few things, but I'm sure there are more. Remember, this is not THE list, just a few things FROM the list. Give him an opportunity to expand the list to add a few things you never would've considered otherwise. If he does, then he's on his way and could be a keeper...

relationshiplessons.net

The Man That Men Need To Be (part 2)

Last time I blogged about part one of The Man That Men Need To Be, and the story of "Brian and Marie". After advising Brian prior to his latest counseling session, he sent me an email after his counseling session with Marie was over to let me know how things went. His message was brief.

“Hey, it was awesome! I felt so clear. I was just me, the way I wanted to be. I was on the edge of the couch and more engaged than ever before. When the time was right, I just spit it out. It was authentic, and I felt strong. For the first time ever the counselor was speechless! He looked kinda shocked. He looked at Marie and she just stared at me, no words. I actually felt bad for her and just wanted to hug her. We’re home now. All she has said since counseling was “wow, where has that guy been for the last six years.” I know what she meant, and it sucks, but I’m okay and plan to stay strong. I have no regrets for what I said. I guess we’ll find out how this all turns out before long, but man this sucks. I love this woman, and I'll keep you posted.”

I try to help men understand one important thing about their relationship: There is no such thing as "saving it". You can only create new stuff from this point forward, and you can only speak your truth. Be crystal clear about what you want and what you expect of yourself. You can only hold yourself accountable to the mindset and the non-negotiable values that will drive you as a man each day. Show up like this every day, everywhere, even in counseling sessions. It is this guy who gets to create the life and relationships he wants, and it is only this guy who stands a chance of reinventing his marriage.

All you can do is invite others to join you on your journey and lose all attachment to their choices. You do this by learning stuff nobody ever told you about the power of masculine confidence, clarity and optimism. You will be good either way and that’s the whole point. When you do this work you discover that your happiness is guaranteed no matter what other people choose to do with their lives.

Will there be sadness? There will be lots of it, but there will be lots of joy too. Both are needed to keep your journey authentic, assuming that’s what you want...

relationshiplessons.net

The Man That Men Need To Be

I get to hear a lot of stories about men and marriage counseling, most of it not very good. This is because a lot men of kinda suck at the counseling process. I know this, because once I kinda sucked at the process as well. Men are way too passive and simply follow the lead of the counselor and their wife. We actually believe that the best solution is to passively become a cog in the wheel of a “healing process” created by someone else. I once simply “showed up” with no agenda other than to cooperate and not make anyone madder than they already were, but here’s the truth: Nothing destroys our masculine confidence and optimism more than when we leave our leadership role to someone else.

That’s exactly what “Brian” was doing for months, until two weeks ago. He was mad at himself for how he had been showing up. Brian decided it was time for a change. It was time to take the lead no matter what happened next. When men contact me looking for help it’s usually right around this time. They’re done with wishy-washy, and they’ve decided no more walking on eggshells. It’s time to go big or go home. Brian told me he was sick and tired of the wheel spinning going on in his counseling sessions. The exercises started out interesting, but he and his wife “Marie” always ended up back in the same spot.

They were given tools to use at home that involved proactive efforts at appreciation and listening. They tried keeping a schedule of times meant for emotional connection and sharing their feelings, and Brian was getting really good a using “I feel” statements to diffuse any unintended feelings of blame. Unfortunately to Brian it all felt mechanized and contrived. His efforts to connect felt devoid of real feelings and real truth. It wasn’t authentic, and he was just now becoming clear that authenticity is what mattered most to him. It was the one thing he was starved for in his six year marriage. He was ready to open up the flood gates even if she wasn’t. He was going to lead the way even if she wouldn’t follow him.

I asked Brian to tell me what he would say if he could be 100% authentic. What would be his most raw and vulnerable thoughts? What would he yell from the roof tops if he could bust through his fears and the constraints of the counseling process he felt were tying his tongue? He started slowly, and then with a little help he gained some serious momentum. Brian told me, “I don’t know, exactly. I’ve been on my heels so long trying to figure her out and make her happy, I’m not used to saying what I think and what I want. I’m getting a whole lot clearer now, but I’m afraid to say it. I’m afraid to tell her my expectations for the kind of loving, respectful, supportive, intimate and passionate marriage I really want for both of us!”


I wanted to clarify his fears, so I asked, “So, you’re afraid to admit you desire love, respect, support, intimacy and passion?” He said, “Yes!” I clarified again, “And you’re afraid to say this in front of the only human being currently in your life who is qualified to share that with you?” Brian replies, “I know, but what if she leaves me? Sounds stupid, right?” I confirm his feelings with a “Pretty much. You’re afraid she’ll leave you because you want a normal, healthy marriage with her? It makes no sense! You’re afraid to ask for what you want because she may react badly to it? From my experience with men, one of the leading causes of divorce is the FEAR of divorce. It makes you play small. It keeps you from taking the lead and saying what you want to say and being who you want to be. Trust me, it happened to me too so I get it.

Then Brian really got fired up. “Well dammit, I’m not scared anymore. I want to tell Marie that I’ve loved her since day I saw her. I should tell her that I’ve always been in love with her beautiful face, her fiery mind and bossy-pants attitude. I’m in love with all of that at this moment, but I’ve allowed her to push me back into being a man I never wanted to be. Somehow I’ve lost the confident guy she fell in love with, but I’m finding him again. I’m going to tell Marie I’m not perfect and never will be, but I’m working on being better every day, and I’m starting with grabbing my balls back! She won’t intimidate me anymore because I respect myself too much. I want her badly, but I don’t need her to have the life I want. All I can do is tell her what she can expect if she makes that choice. I will learn from my mistakes, but I will not dwell on them. We both need to let go of past hurts in order to move forward with more love.

The lesson for Brian should be non-negotiable for men everywhere: Be with a woman who wants to make the choice every day to co-create love, respect, trust, support, intimacy and passion.

Brian wanted that with Marie so much. It has always been Marie, and being in an advisory role meant that I wanted all of that for Marie as well. If she makes it clear she doesn’t want that with him, Brian has to love her enough to let her go find it somewhere else. She shouldn’t fear what other people think, and he has to defend her choice to have the life she wanted, and not blame her for the pain they’ve both endured. I asked Brian, “What’s one good reason you won’t say it just like that next time at counseling?” He paused and said, “there is none.”

Next time, I'll tell you what happened at their counseling meeting...

relationshiplessons.net

A Note To Single Men: Be Happy

One is the loneliest number…then again, not so much. Let’s call it addition by subtraction.

After a breakup, you feel like you may never find another person to “complete you” in the Jerry McGuire sense of the phrase. You yearn for the next companion to be by your side. You fear being that single guy at the group dinner, or being the third, fifth, or even 7th wheel at any outing. You dread not having someone to come back home to at the end of the day. But what if you didn’t feel compelled to seek that companionship right away? What if you could see that life as a single person has some pretty awesome benefits that are often overlooked?

As you start renewing your own unique identity independent of your ex, it’s critical to spend some time single, rediscovering yourself and having some fun with your newly found liberty. Think about it, you can do whatever you want. How many times do you recall not being able to see the movie you had been dying to watch or go to the restaurant you had a craving for? Now, you can act on whatever urges you have (within reason of course). Spontaneity can be your best friend. Do you want to take a weekend trip down to Key West, New Orleans or London? What’s holding you back? Go with the flow of life and enjoy the random opportunities that arise. They’re often the ones you will remember the most.

Time is one of the most invaluable commodities in the world. When you are single, you’ll have boatloads of time. Pick up a new hobby, learn a different language, or invest more time into your business and career. Single people are more likely to eat right and exercise well. Single guys want to put the best possible version of themselves out there, so you’re more likely to eat clean and hit the gym more consistently than coming home to a fresh pan of newly baked brownies.

The way you interact with people around you becomes completely different as well. When you’re in a committed relationship, other friendships often fall by the wayside when you’re overly infatuated with your partner. As a single guy, you keep in touch with old friends more often and spark up new conversations with random people at the bar or supermarket. You meet and engage with such a variety of people who can enrich your life in numerous ways. There’s an obvious carryover from that notion to the dating scene. You can go out with such a diverse array of people, personalities, and types.

On the flip side, you can rid your life of the toxic relationships that have been holding you back. Maybe it was your in-laws you just couldn’t stand being around or her best friend who inflicted negativity into every conversation. You can’t pick your family, but you sure as hell can pick your friends and the people you surround yourself with. When you’re single, you have more freedom to make that clan have as positive an impact on your life as possible. So next time you see that couple at the bar who seems to have it all together, don’t view them with jealously or despair. The odds might reflect that a part of him envies the independence you have as a bachelor.

Take the time to enjoy single life, embrace the freedom, focus on enriching and loving yourself, and most importantly enjoy having the whole bed to yourself for a while… 

relationshiplessons.net 

What Men Have To "Give Up" To Find The Right Woman

As we get older, we find more and more things changing around us without any real warning. Our priorities shift, our goals shift, our desires for what to do on the weekends shift. Suddenly you could care less about the bar on a Friday night, and just want a movie on the couch. Suddenly you could care less about that one night stand, and you just want someone to build a life with. Suddenly you realize your priorities are changing, and you have to change too.

Change is hard, because it requires losing people and things out of our lives which have been a big part of our existence for a long time. The funny thing is, you eventually realize you are not really “losing” or “giving up” anything at all. You’re simply shedding the skin of your life which no longer serves you. Here are five things men need to “give up” in order to find the woman whom you’ll eventually realize you wanted all along.

1. We need to give up our bad habits. Maybe you’re terrible at saving money. Maybe you’re a poor communicator. Maybe you don’t eat as healthy or workout as often as you should. The point is, to be with the right woman you’ve got to work on becoming the right man. It’s true that the right woman will love you for who you are, but it is also true that she will hold standards for herself and the man she allows into her life.

2. We need to give up having to be right. No relationship is sunshine and rainbows all the time, despite the vision you may get from other blogs. There will be disagreements, there will be arguments, and above all, there will be compromise.  When these situations arise, flexibility is the key. You cannot always have things your way and expect a relationship to operate smoothly; it requires give and take from both people. If either mate feels the need to constantly be right, they will be closed off to hearing and adjusting to their partner’s opinions, and the relationship will implode.

3. We need to give up our ego. When we were in our early 20’s, we felt as if we were invincible, we didn’t need anyone, and we were the crème de la crème. With maturity however, comes the realization that nobody is perfect and that we currently have a lot to learn. Subsequently we understand that many of these learning experiences come from the woman we will fall in love with, as she brings a fresh perspective to our lives. In order to open ourselves up to these experiences, we must leave our invincible egos on the outside where they belong.

4. We need to give up our immaturity. Maybe your avoidance of commitment or aversion to romance served you well when your weekends were full of bars and clubs, but when you are building a foundation for a future with a mature and established woman, you must adjust your approach. Successful couples learn and grow together, they mature as individuals and as a team. To be part of this team, you need to understand that growing up, women didn’t dream of men who gave them a mediocre effort (there's a message in there if you got it). Give her your passion, love, honesty, and energy.

5. We need to give up our short-term thinking. When we were younger, it’s natural to think a little less about the future and a little more about the present. The right woman will understand that its difficult to plan a future with someone who has no future plan for themselves. She will only want to commit to someone who will pledge to not only support her while she pursues her goals, but who pursues his own as well. It won’t fly to just “see where things go”. She'll want a man with whom she can count on as her teammate in life and in love. 

Again, the best part about “giving up” these things is that you are not really “losing” anything at all. In fact, you are gaining wisdom, maturity, and the potential for a more fulfilling happiness than you would find if you held onto these limiting habits. What are you really giving up? You're giving up the boy you were, in order to become the man you were always meant to be…

relationshiplessons.net

What You DON'T Owe The Man You're Dating

When you start dating someone new, of course you want to make the best impression possible. More than anything, you want this amazing man to like you and think you're a wonderful person as well. When you're swept up and excited about a new romance, you may unknowingly change who you are to impress him. You may let your healthy boundaries slip or forget them all together. Remember, if you don't keep to your standards at the start of your relationship, you won't be able to get them back down the line. 

Here are 5 things you NEVER owe a man when you're first getting to know each other. In fact, you never owe a man these things at ANY point in your relationship...

1. You don't owe him an explanation about why you're not married - Being cross-examined about why you're still single puts you on the defensive. It makes you feel judged and vulnerable. There are damn good reasons why you're single, so stop telling yourself that being married is OK and being single is not. Whether single by choice or by chance, there's nothing wrong with you, and you don't need to justify where you are in life.

2. You definitely don't owe him sex before you're ready - Just because he wants to have sex with you doesn't mean you have to go through with it. If you feel pressure, either real or imagined, don't do it just to make him happy or to make him like you. Taking you out and spending his money on you does not equate to purchasing access to your body! Remember, once its given, it can't be taken back.

3. You don't owe him monogamy until it's mutually agreed upon - If a man wants exclusivity from you, even if he's not exclusive with you, the answer is no! It's a simple concept really: don't commit to him more than he's committed to you. When he's truly serious about you he'll agree to monogamy, and if he doesn't, he's just not ready. I could ask the question why would you have sex with someone who is not serious with you or having sex with other women, but that's another blog for another day.

4. You don't have to drink or do drugs with him - Men who do drugs and drink usually like company when they're comfortable enough with you, so he'll want you to join him if that is what he's into. Know what's right for you, and don't change your habits or boundaries to please him. If he says you're ruining his fun or being a prude, it's okay. You're not required to prove your coolness to him or anyone for that matter. If his drinking or drugs are an issue for you, take that red flag seriously, otherwise you're playing with fire. 

5. You never owe him an apology for being authentically you - If he judges what you eat, what you wear, or how you look ... beware. If he labels your beliefs as wrong or silly, think twice. Don't make excuses or justify your choices to a man who doesn't "get you". Be who you are and be proud of your differences.

Knowing what you don't owe a man hopefully will remind you of what you DO owe yourself instead. Honor your own boundaries, trust that you know what is right for you, and most importantly, don't change who you are for a man you're dating or for anyone else.

You're welcome...

relationshiplessons.net

Five Things To Know About Dating a Man With Kids

This is what people mean when they say "it's a package deal". These days, with the divorce rate hovering close to 50 percent, the likelihood of dating a man with children is pretty high. Dating a divorced dad has many unique challenges that you won’t face with childless men. However, don’t be too quick to toss out that cute dad’s phone number. Each divorced dad is different, and you may find one you really connect with. If you ever meet a divorced guy you like, and he has kids (like I do), here are some things to consider:

1. The number of kids he has will affect your relationship BIG TIME. If you’ve ever had the responsibility of taking care of anyone's kids before, you know one kid is easier than three or four. More kids equals more to keep track of. Also, older kids are easier than younger ones. They're more independent, which means the dad has more time to spend with you. A divorced dad with two year old twins has a lot more on his plate than a dad with a kid in college. On the other hand, there are some benefits to younger kids: if your relationship turns into marriage material, you can bond more with younger children and play a stronger parental role in their lives. 

2. His kids are either angels, or they're total brats. Once you meet a divorced dad’s kids, pay attention to their behavior. Poorly behaved kids are a sign of trouble. Some kids will be slow to warm up to you, and even the sweetest kids have bad days and can be bratty or cranky at times, but beware of children who disrespect you or their father, or who show consistent behavioral problems. Bad behavior often reflects ineffective parenting and other problems, and these problems will have a destructive effect on your relationship.

3. His parenting style might conflict with yours. Every parent has a different parenting style. Some are strict, others more permissive. Ideally, his parenting style will mesh with your beliefs about how children should be raised. Otherwise, expect conflicts in the future.

4. Most of his time is devoted to his kids, and you must respect that. The more parenting time a divorced dad has, the more his children will influence your relationship. There’s a difference between a divorced dad who has full custody, and a divorced dad who only has his child during the summer. They will have a lot more to deal with, and so will you.


5. Watch out for the case of the ex. All children come with a mom. Hopefully, the single dad’s ex will be a reasonably nice person and he will have a good relationship with her. If the ex is difficult, this will cause problems down the road. The divorced dad doesn’t have to get along with his ex all the time, but if their relationship is rocky or she is a mean and a difficult person, this can create strain on your relationship.

Another important issue is you: Are you really cut out for dating a single dad? A man with kids has a lifetime obligation to those kids, and they will require his love, attention, and money. If you find you don’t like to share, or you just don’t like kids, that’s fine. It’s better to know this and avoid dating men with children, rather than put yourself in a situation that isn’t fair to you, him, or the kids.

Dating a divorced dad does have its challenges, but it can also be fulfilling. Every divorced dad’s situation is different; the key is to find the right situation for you. As you get to know him, take it slow, get to know him and eventually his children at the right time, and continue to be on the lookout for any red flags...

relationshiplessons.net

When He Doesn't Have His (bleep) Together

If you found your way to this blog, it may be because you're the type of woman who constantly finds herself trying to "fix" a man, or entering into a relationship with someone who isn't quite on your level of maturity or emotional stability. That's okay, because you're going to change him and make him be better, right? I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with women who found themselves in a situation like this, and have become increasingly frustrated that he's still facing the same struggles as months earlier when they first got together. This is probably because you can't change someone. You may be their reason to want to change, which is a beautiful thing, but they have to do it themselves. So if you've found yourself in a pattern like this in the past, and you're unable to find a happy and healthy relationship because of it, how do you break the cycle?

1. You pay attention to his past. How a man has lived his life up to the point he met you is a road taken that you cannot change. Similar to walking into the woods for 10 miles and expecting to be able to walk back out in 1 mile: it's just not going to happen. If he has a long history of short-lived negative relationships, or perhaps a bad or nonexistent relationship with family, or he's always placing the blame on women for failed relationships, then I'm sorry to say it but willingly dating a man like this simply puts you in the middle of his destructive path. Like the person who steps off of the tracks in the movie at the last second when the train is coming, it's time for you to get out of the way.

 

2. You stay away from men who take you out of your comfort zone. Being comfortable with the person you're with is of the utmost importance of course, but that also depends on what kind of comfort that is. If you're the type of woman who's drawn to the wrong types of men, then familiarity isn't necessarily a good thing. If he reminds you of an ex or brings back the same hopeful feelings of being able to help him that you recognize from your past, then turn around and walk away. You've got to be honest and ask yourself how these scenarios have turned out for you before. If you were successful in helping someone change and lived happily ever after with him, then you wouldn't be back out in the world looking for another project.

3. You stop falling for the kind of person he "could be". The right person for you will absolutely support and encourage you on your journey to become who you'd like to be, while still loving and accepting you as the way you are. You're asking for trouble if you see potential in a man who doesn't see it in himself and is doing nothing about it. If you're going to try to help him open his eyes to who he can be and what he can become, you're basically attempting to paint on a blank canvas. This is much different than a man who has his path in life carved out and is following after his dreams and ambitions. If you feel that you need to be a mother figure to him and take care of him in order for him to get to where (you think) he should be, you're setting yourself up for disaster.

4. You stop ignoring your intuition. A woman's intuition is a pretty amazing and powerful thing, yet so many women choose to ignore it. There may be something that immediately draws you to a man in terms of his appearance, stature or personality, but when you begin to know him on a deeper level you will find yourself having more thoughts than how well-tailored his suit is. If you start finding yourself taking on more of a therapist role than you do as an equal in a relationship, it's a clear and immediate sign that you're choosing another "fixer-upper" who will frustrate you and leave you wanting in the end. Many people struggle in life and need support sometimes, myself included. We aren't perfectly evolved and we all have our flaws, but it's our responsibility as men and women to handle them ourselves and seek help in the right places, the best we can. 

 

As you become someone's significant other, this isn't your role. Your role is to love and support them as an equal, but not to fix them. Once you realize this, you'll find yourself being drawn to healthier, more emotionally stable men who are able to give you the love and support you need in return. Someone who hasn't yet fully formed themselves will never be able to be your teammate and true equal, and that is exactly what you need...

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The Absolute, Proof Positive, #1 Way To Know He's Interested

I received a message from someone a couple of weeks ago that made me realize the importance of covering this topic:

"Do you notice so many people just settling with cyber-dating? Like they become so busy, they just settle for video and texting all day and then never seeing each other? This happened to me for 4 months and finally I was like, I'm not settling for this!"

Now, in a busy world where we can still have the benefit of always being connected to each other, these "dating methods" are an effective way of getting to know each other and staying in touch in ways that previous generations simply could not. However, there's a crucial piece of the puzzle that often goes missing (as evidenced by this message and many others), that telegraphs someone’s real interest in you, or lack thereof.

We can spend all day long talking about ways to know a man is interested in you, but in the long run, there's only one thing that actually matters. You could get a good morning text every morning, a goodnight text every night, flowers sent to your work, have conversations all day, or receive cheek-reddening compliments on a consistent basis. But the truth is, absolutely none of it matters if he doesn’t put in the effort to see you.

 

A man who's genuinely interested in you, no matter how "busy" he is, will always make time to see you. No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises. Of course, this is assuming there is no reasonable distance between the two of you. When I meet a woman who captures my attention, the texting and all of the fun stuff that goes along with it is great, but all it really does is increase my desire to actually see her and spend time with her in person. Why wouldn't it? That type of communication should supplement the relationship, not be the largest part of it.

It's true that many men may require a bit more of a push than others. Maybe a suggestion from you to do something in person will help; but odds are, he will take the reins and be the one to make the transition from texting/chatting/talking to actually spending time together. The longer he waits to attempt to make actual plans with you, the less interested you can assume he is. He should be wondering what you're doing on Friday. Are you busy? Well, how about Saturday? And while we're at it, what are you doing for the holidays?

The right man who is genuinely interested in building a relationship with you will invest his time in making it happen. He will invest his time in coming to see you; he will invest his time in meaningful conversations; he will invest his time in YOU. He will understand that a relationship is like any other investment, and if you don't put anything into it, you can't expect to get anything out of it...

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Answer These Questions Before Saying I Do

You’ve been together forever, and moving to the “next level” is clearly on the horizon, yet those lingering doubts have been bubbling just below the surface for as long as you can remember. Is this the guy you’re meant to spend your forever with? Before he pops the question, only to have regrets later, take a breather and listen up. Here are four questions you should ask yourself to know for sure.

1. Am I saying “yes” to him or to a fantasy? You’ve watched enough "Say Yes to the Dress" to have gotten a taste of that grand bridal salon experience. But because women in the U.S. are often raised on happily-ever-after stories that end with a couple riding off into the sunset, most tend to aim for that sunset rather than carefully considering the relationship that comes before, and most importantly after it. Be careful to first determine whether they’ve left the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. Only as partners move from the first phase of fantasy to more knowledge of their partner, do they start to realize that love is a lot about moving from disconnection to repair. Have you had, and respectfully resolved a disagreement? Have you talked about what you both want out of your futures? If not, task yourself with figuring out how you’ll handle those real-life issues before you sign up for the long haul.

2. Am I still waiting for him to change? You might have successfully trained him to drop his dirty laundry in the hamper, but if he’s a homebody, those are things that probably aren’t going to change. So, can you live with that for the rest of your life? More importantly, do you want to? Remember, the audition process should not go on forever. If you’ve been with your mate for longer than a year, you should know if your partnership is good enough to carry forward long into the future. Partners that still hold out because a feature they don’t like still exists, should give up trying to make the other partner change. Keep in mind that if they're not interested in hearing your concerns, that’s an issue. The most important quality for a relationship to work is that both people are willing to work on themselves, to take feedback and consider the other person's perspective.

3. Will my friends be excited he's proposing? The beginning of all romantic relationships involves a neuro-chemistry that will shift once the relationship feels more permanent. You might feel addicted, even obsessed with your new guy, and this feeling can last for over a year. Vetting your new guy with trusted friends and family is an essential safety check against your altered judgment. Women (and men too) put themselves in jeopardy when they do not vet their partners with their social network. You might think it is a personal decision whether or not to marry, but what other people think does matter as the couple will have to exist within both partner's social networks. Plus, other people can spot red flags in ways partners in love may not be able to see. If your best friends who’ve always had your back are telling you that they question his intentions or he’s never respected your feelings, that’s important information you need to listen to. If they aren’t upfront about their concerns or can’t quite put a finger on what’s not right, ask them this: “Am I myself when I’m with him?” They’ll know if you’re holding back or morphing into some other person in his presence.

4. Are we committed to the same future? A crazy love affair is incredibly romantic in the movies, but in real life you need to know who the two of you are as a couple. Beyond love, attraction and common interests, it’s the basic agreements you have as a couple that will allow you to protect each other going into the long future ahead. Attraction, common interests, and love can and will change as the years pass, but agreeing on certain things like “we tell each other everything” will keep you bound. To know what agreements you want, you first have to know yourself. “The best relationships occur when two people are operating from a place of security and maturity. Fewer divorces happen with people who marry after the age of 28. The reason why is because you tend to change less when you get older. Once you know yourself, it’s time to sync up with your partner. Mutuality is one of the most important ingredients for a happy relationship. Commitment, obligation and responsibility are central to mutuality. Ask yourself if this person shares your values. In reality, you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t.

Now, do sub-par answers to our impromptu quiz mean a breakup is imminent? Not necessarily, but they should at the very least encourage you to evaluate whether you and your partner have what it takes to survive the challenges that will come your way...

relationshiplessons.net 

Five Myths About Love

I want to talk more about the “but I love them” justification that people use all the time to stay with someone. To them, love is a reason they should keep striving for a relationship with someone who will NEVER provide the kind of loving partnership they want and deserve. Unfortunately, love is vastly misunderstood and we make all kinds of mistakes based on our wonky ideas about it. The truth is, there’s a fundamental difference between having love for someone and whether a relationship with them is the right thing for you. They’re not the same thing. They’re not even on the same planet, and yet mistaken ideas about love and what it means for our relationships are so rampant, it’s unbelievable.

Here are the five often-ignored facts and misconceptions about love:

1. Love Does Not Conquer All - If you love someone romantically, it still doesn’t mean you’re suitable as a romantic partner for them. You can deeply love someone and they can deeply love you, but your relationship is a disaster. This doesn’t mean it wasn’t true love, it just means that "coupledom" isn’t going to work for you two at this time.

2. Love Is Not an Excuse For Acting Out - Sometimes when we fall in love, we get comfortable and feel like we’ve “conquered it” or “won” because the other person loves us back. We tell ourselves if love is there or if we have feelings for someone, we can act out, cling, or allow ourselves to act in ways that would embarrass us to admit to our friends. When we let this happen, we allow our “shadow selves” to come out and play; we let ourselves go emotionally and stop protecting the other person’s feelings. When they’re hurt, we justify our shabby behavior with how we truly love them and “they aren’t going anywhere.” Then the relationship goes off the rails, and we tell ourselves it wasn’t meant to be or that it wasn’t true love. The truth is behind closed doors, we acted like that person would never leave, and we’re sent reeling when they call our bluff. Just because someone loves you, doesn’t mean they have to put up with you treating them badly (and vice versa).

3. Love Doesn’t Automatically Imply Pain - One big problem is the belief that once you fall in love, you have to overcome obstacles to “make it work”. This is heavily shown in Hollywood’s version of true love since, without conflict or romantic tension; there isn’t much of a movie to watch. As a result, people manifest all kinds of terrible situations to support the mistaken belief that they need to strive, work and overcome to have a good relationship. Loving someone doesn’t require that you contort yourself in an attempt to “make it work”. Love is an emotion and relationships often do require work, but it’s usually more of the “staying present, communicating and working on one’s issues” variety. Not the “convince someone you REALLY do love them” variety so commonly shown in the movies.

4. You’re Not Obligated By Someone Else’s Love For You - The fact that you two love each other (or they love you) doesn’t automatically mean that this relationship is right for you, or that you’re obligated to stick around. If the relationship is wrong for one person, it’s wrong for both people. The fact that you’re going to hurt someone if you leave them cannot and should not make you stay if the relationship is wrong for you. Guilt is a powerful emotion that will snuff out your happiness if you let it.

5. Love Is Scarce and Rare - Love is all around if you choose to look for it, and so are people with whom you could have a great relationship. It takes a little digging, but it’s SO doable. If you adopt the belief that you can’t go out and find love with someone else, you’ll cling to bad relationships and make decisions based on them. Fear-based decisions aren’t rooted in the greater good. Your mistaken view of the world has contorted them. When it comes to romantic love, the results will keep you stuck and mired in what you hope a relationship is, rather than what it actually is. Our fears lie to us. Fear tells us we might never find anyone else and that if we let go, we might never find happiness again. This is simply not true. It’s our fear trying to protect us from taking a leap into the unknown. Don’t let fear control your love life.

relationshiplessons.net 

The Dangers In Settling

I wish I was moving toward having someone in my life to call my own. I want a partner like everyone else, but unlike most people, I’m actually ready for a partner. Don’t misunderstand me, I enjoy my solitude from time to time and as an introvert, I’ve grown to appreciate relying on just myself. Being alone strengthens me, and it allows for a particular sort of drive: the drive to live my life in a particular way that only I can construct. Being single seems to define “freedom” but freedom is overrated. I like the idea of having no responsibilities until I realize that a life without responsibility has no purpose.

We want our independence until we realize it can become a prison of its own. Most people vacillate between wanting complete freedom and desiring a partner. We want the best of both worlds, and only a healthy balance will make us content. Whoever this person in your life becomes, they have to be someone special, and unless this someone blows you away, what exactly is the point? If you find a mediocre partner and have a mediocre love, then ultimately you’ll find yourself with a mediocre life.

Life is too short to settle for something less than spectacular. If you’ve ever been in love, you must have been blown away by the experience. If this new prospect doesn’t blow you away, it’s unlikely you’ll be willing to settle. In fact, if you aren’t blown away by someone, you won’t be capable of falling in love with him or her. That’s what love is; it’s being caught off-guard, being surprised, shocked even, that a person who feels so right really exists. The reasons behind why you’re blown away doesn’t make a difference. All that matters is that you recognize this someone as special, and worth both your time and devotion. It’s not about going head-over-heels. The most experienced people know to stay on solid ground, but you need support in case you lose your foothold. If you look at your partner and understand that you’ve found the missing piece, then you are one of the luckiest individuals in the world. If this isn’t the case, accept that something is missing and move on. It’s best not to waste time, as you never know how much of it you'll have.

When the one it isn’t the one, you’ll always be looking for the next one. People are restless; you’ll be looking for greener grass before you know it. Of course, happily ever after isn’t always realistic. Some people simply give up and settle, but that certainly isn’t right either. Sometimes settling is an acceptable option, if you realize that the chances of finding someone greater aren’t worth risking the possibility of being alone. While plenty of people have more than enough time to find the love of their lives, not everyone can manage to do so. Some people settle too soon. But what can you do? We reap what we sow, and we’ll learn from our mistakes. For everyone else, settling for something short of reality-changing is not acceptable. One day, you’ll admit to yourself that your choice was not enough to make you happy. You’ll never be content if you continue to share your life with this person. Partnerships shouldn’t be simply bearable. They should be synergistic. They should improve your life, not just keep things steady. You need to believe that your life can get better indefinitely, because sooner or later, you’ll come to terms with the fact that your life is creeping toward its end. At that point, the only thing keeping you sane is the person you’re sharing your life with.

If your partner doesn’t blow you away, then it really isn’t real. Being blown away is subjective and personal. If your partner doesn’t inspire and amaze you, you’ll come to realize that you don’t need him or her in your life. You don’t need the smartest, sexiest, most incredible individual. You don’t need the person everyone’s chasing. You don’t need someone who’s perfect; you need someone that’s perfect for you. You need someone who will make you feel most like yourself, not the self that you parade in front of the rest of the world, but the person you know yourself to be. This is the moment when you know you’ve found your soul mate. It happens when you find someone who appreciates you for who you really are, and just as importantly, loves you through all of it.

When you find this person, I can promise you one thing. No matter what ends up happening, you’ll be blown away as soon as you meet, and it’s going to be incredible. When it comes to having someone in my life to call my own, being blown away is exactly what I'm patiently waiting for…

relationshiplessons.net