Let Go of 2014 - The End of the Year Address

We made it to the 365th day of 2014! In some countries, they are already enjoying the 1st day of 2015 but be patient, the rest of the relationship world is right behind you. You can let go of the stuff that happened in 2014 at anytime. Trust me when I tell you, I am ready to do just that...

You can let go of the idea that "the one that got away", actually "got away". You might have dodged a bullet by not ending up with them.

You can let go of a bad relationship anytime you want to. If it isn’t serving you, if it’s unhealthy, or it makes you miserable, then you’re allowed to let go of the idea that you need that person in your life.

You can let go of the old ideas that you have about yourself. Despite what your unhelpful internal dialogue may sometimes tell you, you are worthy of love. You aren’t who you used to be. You are capable of change. You are worthy of forgiveness, and your old mistakes don’t dictate who you are today.

You can let go of your habits that don’t help you grow as a person. Just because the guys at the office talk poorly about their significant others, doesn’t mean that you have to. Just because all of your friends watch certain TV shows, doesn’t mean that you have to watch it to “keep up”. Just because your friends engage in toxic behavior, doesn’t mean that you have to join them.

You can let go of the negative feelings that you have towards your parents, they’re human. As it is with humans, they’re making it up as they go along… just like everybody else. Whatever they may have done to you in the past, or what you perceived them to have done to you in the past, they were only doing the best they could with who they were at the time.

You can let go of a lot of the pain that still lingers from that person that cheated on you. They did it because they were hurting, confused or cowardly. Whatever their reasons were, their journey is of no concern of yours. They did what they did because of them… not because of you.

You can let go of the idea that intimate relationships run on autopilot. Things that matter take effort. So put some effort in it. Your partner deserves you at your best.

You can let go of the idea that your life “should” be a certain way. It is what it is. If you can change it and you want to change it...then change it. If you can’t change it but still want to change it, then change your perception of what you want to change.

You can let go of the idea that your significant other should be able to read your mind and give you exactly what you want. You’re an adult, and it’s high time you to start asking for what you want. Are you afraid of asking for help, out of fear of being rejected? Yeah, that makes sense. You’re only human, but you’re allowed to let go of that too.

I know I said this earlier, but it bears repeating. You can let go of the pain, anger, hurt, and resentment that you have towards those who have wronged you in the past. They didn’t know the effect that they would have, and they would apologize if they truly knew how much it still hurt you today.

No matter what you’re holding on to today, you can let go.

Enjoy your new year, be safe and guard your heart. I'll be back with more thoughts in January...

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More Holiday Do's and Don'ts

First of all, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours from Relationship Lessons! For those of us who partake in the gift giving tradition, there are many aspects to consider. I could go into a diatribe about how this season is more about giving than receiving for me, and that my satisfaction is guaranteed from the looks on my families faces when they open their gifts. I could speak about how Christmas sucks as an adult, now that the flow of gifts probably slows down exponentially. A plethora of topics could be considered, but alas, the Hennessy and egg nog were too potent over the last few days for me to properly write on those issues. Instead, I will drop some quick knowledge on how to handle the 24 hours following your Christmas gift. It’s Boxing Day for our UK and Canadian readers, so let’s celebrate accordingly. Hey, it’s the holidays dammit!

Do show appreciation for EVERY gift you receive. No one had to get you anything for Christmas. So what if your mom got you the rayon/cotton mix bath robe that you will NEVER wear?! Who cares if your in-laws got you a tool box with one tool and a manual? It’s the thought that counts. Consider that most people would dream of having a suspect gift filled Christmas because they have no family or don’t have the funds to get you what you REALLY wanted. Be thankful that you are getting something to begin with, because after all there’s more to the holidays than gifts!

Don't automatically ask for the receipt if you want to return a gift. Within the first few minutes you receive a gift, you'll know whether or not you will return it for money or another item. Maybe the shirt doesn’t fit correctly, maybe the electronics are faulty. Either way, you will know, but asking for the gift receipt from jump lacks tact. Let the moment breathe a little bit before you go head first into negotiator mode. As adults, we know that some items may not be compatible with us, and as long as we have the means to upgrade or change the item, the thought and thanks for the gift still remains.

Do make sure your gifts are on point. If you are the person who is a gift Nazi, yet all the gifts you give suck, then you really have no basis for gift complaining! Make sure your gifts are on equally or greater footing, or at least have a good sense of humour when your gifts get slandered. Don’t be that guy who gets White Elephant gifts for others. See my first point on the thought that counts, but put some effort into it for tiny baby Jesus’ sake!

Don't go to the stores on the 26th to return gifts. It’s going to be an absolute zoo in the malls and stores on 12/26. Unless you have nothing to do that day, and you are 100% pressed to swap out your gift, I would wait until 2 days after. The madness will simmer down a bit, and you can get what you need. Now if you think the item you want to swap won’t be there after 12/26, then by all means brave the stores. Personally, I would be in chill mode.

The holiday season should be a time for family, rest, and reflection. Gifts are just a small part, but we should make sure that we show proper etiquette along the way. 

Merry Christmas everyone, please keep our brothers and sisters around the world who are less fortunate, and anyone who is facing the tragedy of losing a loved one in your prayers this holiday season...

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A Lesson For Men

Last week I went out with someone to go see the movie “Top Five”. It was a good time, and the movie fascinated me for a few reasons. None of those reasons really correlate with this post, so maybe another time we’ll get into that. More importantly, I’m here today to tell you a short story. I happened to make a great impression on someone without even realizing it, but once it was brought to my attention, I thought it would be great to share here. Hopefully you all will swing this post to the fellas you think may need it.

I bought the movie tickets ahead of time. This is a custom for me when it comes to opening night flicks. The movie was to show at 8:00 p.m. When we reached the theater at 8, the show at the theater said it was showing at 7:40 p.m. So we ended up having to get passes for a 9:30 show. So we had about an hour to kill, and I suggested that we go get some sushi. So we head over to Tokyo Lunchbox and  got a couple of the chef's special fire rolls and ordered some drinks. Her and I began to talk, and we casually touched on all kinds of things, real light stuff. We ended up seeing the movie on time and went on to have an enjoyable evening. In the day that followed, her and I started talking about the evening and she said some thing to me that made me laugh. She said “You didn’t ask me any creepy sex questions out of the blue.” I asked if that was something she has experienced more than she had liked. She said yes. I asked her if it was something she experienced with younger men, and she said that she has dated older men who were “creepy” that way as well.

It dawned on me that this thing isn’t age sensitive. Maybe there are a lot of guys out there who are talking themselves out of some good situations. I told her she gave me something to say for this week, and she totally understood. Maybe it would help to have an idea of things to talk about with women on a first date. So here’s a short list of topics that won’t make your first date your last: 

1. Interests - Sounds pretty basic right? Believe it or not, most of us have many interests. There is no way that everyone knows everything that we’re interested in. This is a time to speak about interests, more importantly the ones that you share the least. There could be a lot of common ground there. This also opens the floor to talk about past experiences etc.

2. Most Embarrassing Moments - I always think that this is a lighthearted way to break the ice. When you share embarrassing experiences, there is some vulnerability involved. Hopefully in turn they will want to know your most embarrassing moment. That way you all could be even and share a laugh about silly times past.

3. Passions - It’s fun to talk about passions. The more interesting thing about these conversations is what led people to feel as strongly about certain things. There’s so much depth to a conversation like this too. The idea is to keep each other engaged sharing these ideas.

4. Dating History - Ask someone about their experiences while dating. Do they have an optimistic view on dating? If they don’t, then you can ask them why. Figure out what grinds her gears and what doesn’t...at least on the surface.

5. Swap Drunk Stories - It’s always entertaining recalling drunk nights. it’s fun recalling crazy parties. Keep the date as fun as possible. Now if she has a bad drunk experience stemming from a sad experience then I apologize for mentioning it. More times than not, this can turn into a thirty-five minute conversation filled with all kinds of random stuff. But it’s this kind of stuff that can be a breath of fresh air for someone.

The young lady I went out with said that a guy asked her “What’s the freakiest thing you’ve ever done?” before the server poured the water! I laughed in amazement. My guy didn’t even wait till they got a little buzz going. The name of the game is to be clever. We all know what’s up. There’s nothing new under the sun. She knows you have an attraction, it’s our job as guys to be respectable and just make it interesting. It’s an opportunity here to show our depth rather than scare someone off who could easily get you all wrong. This is no race, no one cares who you’re going after. Just run your race and run it your way.

I simply wanted to give some options as to what you could touch on in conversation on a first date. Simple things that can easily make the date more fun than it had the potential of having. This guideline may ease any angst you might have going out with anyone for the first time. It’s important to be able to be appreciated, and be more than just horny dogs…they know all about that side of us. The above list isn’t all of course. Do men try to overly push sex conversations on you on a first date? What are some other first date conversations that you think would be fun and appropriate? My advice is to go with the flow. Drive with the traffic, you’ll know when to exit the information highway, but in the meantime enjoy the drive. Leave your stories and some suggestions in the comments below...

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Online Dating

When people think of the term online dating, many imagine getting on a computer, browsing profiles, and exchanging emails with the opposite sex. Do yourself and myself a favor, wipe this image from your mind RIGHT NOW! Online dating is simply a great tool for finding a great person, then meeting them in person and sharing a great relationship. It is NOT about actually dating online, sitting in front of a computer for hours, cyber sex or making pen pals. What woman in her right mind wants to waste more time with a man they don’t even really know? Online dating is simply a great way to meet someone who is right for you, and guess what else? You aren’t the only one who realizes this. This breaks down into 3 very important steps…

#1. Figure Out If He Is A Catch - To meet the right man in the “real world”, you have to go out often, talk to lots of men, and hope to meet just one guy who doesn’t turn out to be a jerk, weirdo or a player, and then think on your toes in the moment to attract him. Online dating is the opposite. It “freezes time” and slows the process down so you have as much time as you need to find out exactly who you are talking to, what he’s all about and whether or not he is the type of guy you are looking for. Out of the thousands of men who have profiles on dating sites and social networks, only about 1 in 100 is what you would call “quality”. But the biggest problem is that ALL of them are pretending to be Mr. Right!

When a guy is filling out his profile, it’s very easy and tempting for him to add a few inches to his height, subtract a few inches from his waist, and add a few zeros to his income. It’s up to YOU to figure out whether you are talking to one of the “pretenders” or to a guy who doesn’t feel the need to pretend. Fortunately, there are some very obvious and easy-to-spot warning signs, along with a few specific questions you can ask, that will allow you to find out if you are talking to a dud or stud within minutes of looking at his profile, or within just one or two email exchanges. Very few men are going to tell you flat out that they don’t have their act together, or that they're carrying major baggage, or that they’re just looking for a quick fling, so you have to know how to pick the winners.

#2. Spot Whether Or Not They Are Looking For The Same Thing You Are - In order to avoid wasting your time talking to someone who isn’t right for you, it’s crucial that you find out where he or she is at, and if they are looking for the same type of relationship that you are from the start, so you know when to take something seriously, and when to move on. Ladies, I’m sure you know by now that we men aren’t very vocal when it comes to sharing our feelings and what we want. In fact, a lot of the time we haven’t thought too much about what we’re looking for in terms of a relationship. We’re just going along with what feels right and taking it from there. This means that a great guy who is looking for a woman to settle down with is highly unlikely to mention that he’s looking for a “committed relationship” in his profile. It’s very rare to see a guy saying things like, “I want to find my soul mate”, or “I am looking to settle down”. There are 3 reasons for this:

1. A man worries that if he puts these things in his profile he will look DESPERATE and NEEDY

2. Many men just plain don’t talk that way

3. Many men just plain don’t know what they want until they find and experience it

Fortunately, there are subtle clues a guy gives when he is looking for something more serious and substantial that are sort of like a man’s version of, “I want to settle down” and it’s important that you know what they are and how to spot them. Not all of the men you come across online will be looking for the same things you are. Some might just be looking for a fling or something more casual, and yes, some may already be in a relationship and are looking to stray.

#3. Build Attraction And Take Things To The “Real World” FAST - Have you or someone you know ever talked to someone online and gotten REALLY excited about meeting them in person, only to discover that when you did meet they were a little bit “off” or perhaps even totally different than they described? The beauty of meeting men online is that if you know what to look for and the right questions to ask, you can literally find out more about a man in 5 minutes of your time than most women find out in weeks, months, or even YEARS of dating. It’s often hard to spot whether or not you will have that “chemistry” when you finally do meet in person. I don’t need to tell you that wasting time talking to someone who ends up awkward in person, or is not your physical type, really...REALLY STINKS!

The fact of the matter is that no matter how good you get at “reading” a profile or knowing what questions to ask a man, chemistry is still chemistry. There are people you will like over email and phone that you just won’t feel it with in person. It’s all part of the game. So how do you handle this and make it work in your favor, instead of having it be a danger and a liability for you in dating online?

The best way to handle this is to first learn how to SCREEN people up front to make sure they are a fit, have the qualities you are looking for, and then to learn how to get the interest of the right man so he’s wanting to meet up with you and be open and honest with you right away. This way, you can avoid wasting your time emailing or chatting on the phone with a guy who isn’t going to work out. If you minimize the time you spend with a man BEFORE you meet, and you can get to the truth early on, you will be less likely to end up on “bad dates” and get frustrated over something that was never meant to be in the first place...

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I Blame My Friends

Let’s think about it... We all have some friends and while we love them dearly we know that they’re kind of messed up. The secret is we’re not telling them, it's just that we don’t want to hurt their feelings because we love them. What happens next is that our friends keep going through life in and out of relationships, some good and some bad, and nothing seems to stick. The relationships that do stick are completely dysfunctional, and you're certain they’re only in it because they’re afraid to be single. Why don’t we just tell them what their flaws are? Why not just tell our friends the honest reasons why they can’t keep a relationship? Are we all just going to act like it’s their problem and not ours? Even despite the fact that each time they experience problems in their love life they come to us?

I guess what spawned this thought process was that I have friends both male and female who are struggling to find love and companionship. I get in a lot of trouble for saying this because it’s a morbid thought but some of them are running out of time. Running out of time doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re getting too old to find someone. It could very well mean that you’ve exhausted all your options and your reputation is so shot that there’s little to no chance anyone is willing to take a chance on you.

We all have these friends too. If you don’t have a friend like this then you are that friend. I have a friend who is flat out crazy, and I should probably tell her that, but you know what I do? I tell her that she just hasn’t met the right guy for her yet and send her back out there on the streets looking for love. I have a friend who is a bona-fide stage 5 creepazoid, and I should probably tell him to stop stalking the women he dates, but you know what I do? I tell him that women aren't ready for the special kind of attentive love that you bring to the relationship. They both keep on doing the same things over and over again.

I guess what I’m saying is that we’re not helping anyone out by being bad friends. I guess what I’m also saying is that if you’re single and wondering why (something I think that people should spend less time worrying and wondering about in the first place) then it’s probably a good idea to blame your friends.

I can’t count the times that I have been asked by a friend, “How come you didn’t tell me I was acting that way?” and the only response that I have for them is “I figured you had to see it for yourself.” Or I count the times that I finally could see what I was doing wrong and the changes I needed to make and wondered why the people closest to me didn’t point out these blatant flaws.

Friends, even the best of them let you live your life. They love you for you, and that love prevents them from wanting to hurt your feelings or go through any pain. That’s why we have to take upon ourselves to remind our friends that if they’re really our best of friends, they won’t let us fall victim to flaws that we can control. Our friends will be married with families of their own one day, and we’ll still be kicking around rocks in this dating world that’s going to hell. I think it’s time for us to make a few phone calls to those beloved friends... 

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Love Is Never A Waste Of Time

Relationships are by far our greatest teachers. When we are in love with someone, we always have the hope that this person could be the one we spend our lives with. Each relationship starts off with that hope and intention, which is why it is extremely painful when it ends. The greatest thing about each relationship we have is that it serves as a mirror for where we need to grow. Here are Five Reasons Why No Relationship is a Waste of Time: 

#1 The wrong relationship prepares us for the right one. The relationships which do not stand the test of time always have a gift for us. We can look at what didn’t work in this relationship and become clearer about how we want our next relationship to look. Once we have that image, we have grown into a new idea about what love is and can be.

#2 If a relationship didn’t bring us what we wanted, it did teach us what we didn’t want. Knowing what kind of treatment we don’t want, makes us very clear on the kinds of treatment that we do want. This is a great way to develop new standards by which we want to love as we are more aware of what we will accept and what we will not.

#3 We learn about our patterns. We can deny it all we want, but we bring our old patterns into each relationship. When we start repeating patterns that create arguments, chaos, rejection or abandonment, we can use these lessons to see what we need to change and where we need to grow. It really isn’t about changing our partners, because they are not responsible for the patterns we bring into our relationships. There is nothing more valuable than going into a relationship and learning how our patterns contributed to its demise.

#4 Self-respect. When we are in a relationship, we can either gain self-respect or lose it, depending on how we allow ourselves to be treated. Relationships are the best places to learn where and how we need to respect ourselves. We learn that we do not do anyone any favors by allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. We learn what our limits are, and we act upon those limits by asserting ourselves when we have been hurt. Our relationships give us the arena to learn to act on our own behalf in an effort to step into our value.

#5 Grief promotes growth. Life is a process of beginnings and endings. Whenever a relationship ends we experience its loss, and we tend to identify strongly with those we love. When the relationship ends, we have to get back to ourselves, deal with loneliness for a while and lean into those uncomfortable emotions. When we are in pain, we are growing and this is what gets us more strongly identified as individuals. Each loss in our life is meant to bring us into a closer relationship with ourselves and where we need to mature, grow, love ourselves and become more confident. As we take each relationship for what it is, we will see that the learning to come from each is invaluable as a mirror to learning about ourselves.

Relationships are the playground where love, self-esteem, insecurity, worth and value all get to play and help define each other. As these states all intermingle and we combine and try out different mixtures, we soon come up with a working formula of what works best for us in relationships...

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It's Not Too Late For Love

If you've been single for a long stretch of time, despite your best efforts to find love, you’ve probably grown weary of seeing happy, romantic couples at every turn…among your friends and family, featured in internet accounts, described in magazine stories, and on and on. The sense of feeling left out and left behind can be especially acute at certain holidays  when loved ones snuggle close and make new memories (Christmas and Valentine’s Day immediately come to mind). It can leave a lovelorn single person feeling downright depressed and ready to punch some boo'd up couple square in the throat.

If that describes you, take heart. Seeing other people in love validates the belief that it can happen to you too. Despite your sense of being “on the outside looking in,” the potential for genuine, lasting love in your life is as real today as it’s ever been. Here are four things to remember as you anticipate the arrival of your magnificent man or wonderful woman: 

1. Today is always packed with possibility. Here’s a bit of common sense we can all agree on: Just because you’ve waited a long time for love to arrive doesn’t mean you still have a long time left to wait. Many frustrated singles fall into a psychological trap that begins to pull them downward like quicksand. They behave as if yesterday was a just a preview of today, as if this couldn’t possibly be the day that everything changes. The truth is, romantic potential has no shelf life. The odds against finding lasting love does not grow longer with time. That means in each moment of every new day, you are equally likely to turn a new corner and fall head over heels into the relationship you’ve dreamed of. 

Your age? Irrelevant. 

Number of previous strike-outs? Meaningless. 

The opinions of naysayers? Please!

You have to start moving through your life like you expect a surprise party to be thrown in your honor at any moment. I bet that your whole demeanor will change about everything! 

2. Attitude matters. Your romantic beliefs, intentions, and expectations have a dramatic effect on how your search for love turns out. This idea is far less rooted in wishful thinking and New Age mumbo jumbo than it may sound at first. The connection between what you think, and the life you lead, is actually quite clear and simple. Think of it this way: Someone who believes she’s cursed with bad luck is unlikely to invest a few bucks in a lottery ticket, no matter how large the jackpot grows. A person who has given up on love will probably think it is pointless to go where he might meet someone new, or to put their best foot forward if he does go anywhere. When you no longer have faith in the payoff, why bother placing a bet? That might sound like good reasoning — until you realize how self-defeating and self-fulfilling it is. Keep your romantic radar on.

3. “Failure” is progress. Learning what you don’t want in a partner, and how to recognize it when you see it, is every bit as valuable as knowing what you do want. In this way, romantic misfires serve an important purpose. Where many people see each dead-end as a step away from their goal, you can choose to see things the way Thomas Edison did when he said, “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Every rejected lover is one you no longer have to consider. Every lesson learned is one that makes you more ready to handle real love when it comes along.

4. Love, when it arrives, heals the wounds caused by its absence. Just as the poets, mystics, and songwriters have said for centuries, love really is a magical thing. Before you find it, time drags, your heart aches, and you begin to fear that the damage is permanent. But on the other side of meeting the one you’ve looked for, you quickly forget all that. The joy of fulfillment is a salve that soothes every hurt, scars and all. When you are still in the romantic doldrums, it may help to remember that the love you seek, and are sure to find, is far more than an end to loneliness; it is a brand new beginning that erases what came before.

Love is always at your fingertips. So be sure your hand is always open...

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How To Win At The Dating Game

What is this dating game, you ask? Well, you probably know it all too well. It’s the game of “let’s see who can try to act like they care less in order to get someone else to care more, and then take turns” game. It’s the blurred line between how casual you are, and what title you decide to designate to your romantic encounters. It’s so confusing that I often lose track and I’m sure you do too. What's the reason for not being able to be simple and honest? At this point, I just don't know anymore. You could just say, “Hey, I think you’re really cute and I would like to get some coffee and giggle awkwardly at our small talk, so I can spend some extra time looking at your cute face.”

The reason it isn’t so easy is because we all play the dating game. Here are a few ways to put down your cards and really look at the faces that surround you without wearing your own poker face. In other words, how you can become a winner at the dating game...

#1 IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE, STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU DON'T - A closed mouth doesn't get fed, but you'd rather starve that tell someone how you really feel? The worst that could happen is they say they're not interested. If the person you like runs for the hills, ask yourself what was the point for investing any further emotion anyway?

#2 GO ON DATES - Dates aren’t an extinct practice. Going to the movies with someone doesn’t mean you’re signing a marriage license. It’s for fun you guys, only fun.

#3 DON'T USE PAST RELATIONSHIPS AS A CRUTCH TO YOUR FEAR OF COMMITMENT - We have all had relationships that failed. If you use those problems to justify your twisted actions in every future romantic encounter, you will waste many potentially successful relationships.

#4 DON'T ALTER WHAT YOU WANT - If you want a relationship and someone else doesn’t, you don’t have to settle for his or her sake. That would be like playing a board game without getting to roll your own dice.

#5 STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK - The connotations that surround dating and relationships are so blurred and disfigured at this point, you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to please everyone.

#6 QUIT USING PEOPLE - Don’t use others for the way they make you look to other people. Don’t use them for physical reasons. Don’t use them because you’re lonely. Just don’t use them. You use a mop to clean the floor. You use a match to start a fire. You don’t use human beings to satisfy your own needs.

#7 FIND OUT WHO PEOPLE ACTUALLY ARE - Go ahead; ask about their little sisters and whether they’re more afraid of spiders or snakes. There’s nothing wrong with learning more about people than the fact that they like wine and study engineering.

#8 HAVE CHIVALRY AND RESPECT - As the age-old saying goes, always treat others as you wish to be treated. No one deserves anything less than your utmost respect.

#9 STOP PLAYING WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS - If you know that you are dragging someone along for selfish reasons, put yourself in his or her shoes and do the decent thing. Just be honest, damn.

#10 STOP SETTLING - If you want that girl with the curly hair who you hardly know, go for it. You aren’t beneath anyone or anything; you can have a dream and you are the largest obstacle standing in the way of it actually happening. Stop feeling like you are limited to certain people; you’ll only grow to be unsatisfied with that limited group.

#11 DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE CORNY - Just be you. If simple things like a “good morning” text or an impromptu smoothie date is how you want to show interest in someone, go for it. Be dorky and stop worrying about satisfying the status quo.

#12 TAKE IT SLOW - I know this one is difficult to grasp, but let’s be completely honest about the fact that intimacy complicates things. Why add one more complication before you can trust someone?

#13 DON'T TRY TO MAKE ANYONE JEALOUS - It will never lead the person to like you more. I’ll never understand why we seem to think that it’s a viable option in any situation.

#14 LET GO OF ANY PRECONCEIVED EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE FOR SOMEONE - Trust me, you really have no idea what you want and dismissing people based upon your specific criteria could lead you to really miss out.

#15 DATING IS ABOUT LEARNING - It’s not about the best “hookup” or even necessarily about handpicking your perfect life partner. Dating is for learning about others and about yourself in a way that is fun and will bring you happiness.

Treat others with respect and let them make you awkwardly giggle as your heart flutters. Meet new people and their friends. Visit new places and understand unique ideas and perspectives. Stop trying to navigate through it like a game that you can manipulate to achieve the best outcome without much risk. Be simple, be kind, be happy. We are responsible for making this more complicated than it needs to be...

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Holiday Do's and Don'ts

Don't forget to show your support by going to Twitter and follow @DelvinRestored, @RShipLessons and @Soul_TherapyUBM this week! Thank you for all the worldwide love, it means everything...

The holiday season is officially here! If you’re currently dating or in a new relationship, this may be the first holiday you’ll be spending with your partner. Although that’s really exciting, I’m sure there are some looming concerns in your mind. It’s my prayer that the following holiday do's and don’ts will enable you and your partner to have the most peaceful and enjoyable holiday season together.

Don't assume anything - You are not a mind reader and neither is your partner. Avoid making the assumption that you and your partner have the same holiday plans in mind. Doing so may be one of the biggest mistakes you could make this holiday season.

Do communicate verbally - That’s right! Making plans via text, DM or email isn’t going to cut it. The only way for you and your partner to truly enjoy an amazing holiday together is to discuss your expectations and plans verbally, either over the phone or in person.

Don't buy gifts - If you’re not dating someone exclusively or you both have mutually agreed to not buy each other gifts, don’t do it. Forget about trying to surprise or impress your partner, just stick to your agreed upon plans.

Do set spending limits - If you and your partner have decided to buy and exchange gifts, make sure you set a spending limit. This will help you both avoid unnecessary complications and disappointments. In fact, setting a spending range may be an even better idea.

Don't visit family - Unless you both have agreed to meet each others families or you are seriously dating, you should think twice before visiting or meeting family. Simply put, if you’ve never met their family before, the holiday may not be the best time to do it.

Do set a date - You and your partner should definitely plan a date during the week of the holiday, especially if you won’t be spending that day together. The date can be before or after the holiday, that’s totally up to you. All that truly matters is that you two have plans to spend time with each other and exchange gifts.

These are a few rules to get you through those awkward moments when dating during the holiday season boo loving. Let me know your most tried and true holiday rules in the comments...

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The Moment of Truth

Hello everyone! Before I begin today's blog, I wanted to appeal to all of the relationshippers around the world who follow me every week to go to Twitter and follow @Soul_TherapyUBM this week! You can find me every Sunday morning on Soul Therapy with Lisa J at 11am CST on urbanbroadcastmedia.com. Trust me when I tell you that what happens on the blog is definitely happening on the radio, so follow us today! 
Now, on with the blog...

Female Friend: Hey D.

Me: What’s up?

FF: Not much. What are you getting your boo for Christmas?

Me: Nothing.

FF: Oh my God! Are you guys okay?

Me: Yeah, we're just bypassing the holiday stress.

FF: Sorry to hear. This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year!

Me: We’re not fighting or angry with each other.

FF: Don’t worry. It’ll get better.

Me: Our friendship won’t get better if you keep this up.

**awkward silence**

During any holiday season when I have a boo, I go through this. Come to think of it, when I don’t have a boo I still go through this. The scenario above was a conversation I had with a female friend of mine, and it drove me nuts. What the heck is the big deal about Christmas? I’m not a kid anymore! Some of us here love giving gifts and seeing the reaction on the recipient’s face. Others here have children and want to make sure the kids don’t grow up weird or hostile toward the other kids that would have a happy holiday. Some of us actually think we’re celebrating the birth of the Sweet Baby Jesus.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, I’m not a big fan of this time of year. Aside from getting a few days off from work, it doesn’t really do anything for me. I’m sure there are a good number of you out there as well who feel the same way. And if this is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, why does everybody in the mall or in the mall’s parking lot look SO stressed? I know that for many of the men I see, the stress is because they’re trying to conquer one of the many “moments of truth” of relationships. What exactly are the other “moments of truth” you ask? Oh, that’s easy. I’m talking about birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day. These are the special days that we’re supposed to remember, and cook up some thoughtful and/or costly gift that tells the other person where exactly they rank in our lives.

Contrary to the tone of this post, I’m really not bitter or angry. I just feel like this gift-giving or acts of kindness thing should be done all the time. Visiting and spending time with family should be more than two or three times a year, unless you’re eating up the cost of a $400 plane ticket for every trek you make and your pay doesn’t support such feats. Maybe we should change the name of these “moment of truths” to "Make Up Day 1, 2, and 3". Why? Because if we shine on these days, it can make us feel better about all the things we didn’t do the other 362 days of the year.

What are your thoughts on the holiday season and the other typical special days? 

How much do they matter to you?

Do Moment of Truth days exist?

How much have they mattered to the significant other?

Have you found yourself changing your feelings about these days over the years?

Let me know…

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The Return On My Investment

Recently, I was a part of a discussion that centered on what people wanted as well as what people were willing to accept and give. It was based upon the notion that not everyone really knows what they want, but those who actually do know are sometimes jaded due to past experiences in which they came out the lesser. It was a very telling conversation, and indeed one that I learned just as much as the next person.

While taking part in this discussion, the one glaring thing that continued to come up was how much a person had put into previous relationships...only to see them fail. So from that, I began to wonder just how many of us know what the Return on Investment (ROI) is for our relationships. 

In Corporate America, a return on investment basically happens when someone invests money, resources, time, energy, talent, etc. into something with the anticipation that by investing in it, a greater profit will come to the investor. If there is no real profitable return on the investment, usually corporations do not make the commitment. Just imagine how simple that sounds. In our personal lives, things are never as simple as they are in our professional lives, but let’s discuss this ROI. 

If you KNEW before you got into a relationship with someone that the potential return on your investment would be very low, and there was not a great deal of profit to come from it, would you STILL make the commitment? I asked people on the Relationship Lessons Facebook page this question a few days ago, and I am sure that many of you right now are saying no, but the truth is some of you are saying yes. There is no right or wrong answer to the question, but I'm simply giving you something to think about. In this world there are two types of people: takers and givers. I confess to being a giver for the majority of my adult life, and then masking it by saying I spoil people. Of course I spoil people, who wouldn't want someone else taking care of everything and paying for most things? The problem is when we continue to give, someone else is continuing to take, and their desires to take become larger and more unrealistic. For example, it's quite okay for me to take you out to eat at a nice restaurant regularly, but if you cannot take me out to a nice restaurant occasionally, then the entire equation is off (Side note #1: let the record show that I said occasionally). Here is another example: If on your birthday I am buying you a $200 gift because that is what you wanted, I should be able to request a $200 gift because that is what I wanted (Side note #2: I understand that even in writing this, what you request and what you expect are two very different things). Double standards have no place in a return on investment situation.

Here is the deal, if you keep giving and giving while someone else keeps taking and taking, at some point you will have nothing else to give, but they are still going to be asking for more. So stop feeding the monster now because at some point, that cub is going to become a full grown lion and you will not be able to keep it in your backyard.

A good rule of thumb is this; if you are not feeling fulfilled, and you are not feeling appreciated based upon the effort you make and the effort made towards you, then you are probably getting a very low return on your investment. At that moment you need to re-evaluate whether you want to stay put, or move on. I can't tell you which way to go, but what I can tell you is that sometimes you are going to have to risk something in order to get a bigger reward. What you risk, is solely your decision...

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The Good Me vs. The Bad Me

I am a part of group on Facebook that I consider family. I mean, when you become so transparent to the point of total exposure, you better consider them family. We have a lot of fun, and truth telling, which I guess you can call fun because we really get to the bottom line in everyone's lives without all the tap dancing around the issues or questions. I'm telling you this because every Tuesday there are a series of questions asked, and people in the group are required to answer them truthfully. We call it "Tell the Truth Tuesday". 

A question was asked on a truth telling Tuesday...as a matter of fact, two questions were asked on consecutive Tuesdays that has me pondering them a little more deeper here than I could there: 

1. Do nice guys finish last?

2. Good girl/guy, or bad girl/guy, which would you rather have/be? 

To be honest, my answer to the first question was: "As long as I finish, who cares what place I come in?" I answered the second question with: "I've been both, and I've had both, but at this stage, I'd rather have and be good." Two very clear answers, or so I thought. But after a week of processing and maybe obsessing over it as well, my very real answer now comes with an explanation. 

Once upon a time I was all about me, and although some may think there aren't many days that are not about me, these days were different...VERY different. Any time I met a woman, I would let her know I was damaged goods and could only give her me with little to almost no emotion at all. I often referred to myself as a closed door, which symbolized whether or not I felt like letting anything or anyone in. Most times I was closed off and cold, but even then women worked over-time trying to change me. Ironically, no matter how much wrong I did, I could do no wrong. I just assumed they saw something better in me, boy was I wrong!

Fast forward to present day me, I’ve come full circle from back then, and I'm back to the "Good Guy" I was before I got my feelings hurt. However, now the same women who were so attracted to me then are no where to be found now. I first thought it was that I had run them off, or maybe it was karma, or maybe I brought this on myself, or that God had one hell of a sense of humor. Whatever it was I couldn’t figure it out.

So here I was, looking for a Good Woman with a flashlight in the daytime, while guys who are like the bastard I was found them with ease. Could it be that what I been hearing is right?? That good guys finish last, and women want a bad boy?? Well...

For a long time I’ve been trying to figure this out. Some of the same women that said they couldn’t find Mr. Right, found him and left him for Mr. Wrong. Damn you Mary J. Blige! I’ve heard everything from "he wasn’t a challenge", to "that’s just not what I want". Have we been brain washed into thinking the same things that make us good men, also make us weak men? Is it possible for me to love a woman and still be strong? The fact that I can treat a woman right should not disqualify me, but these days seems it does.

So there you have it, but my little confession doesn't stop there. I know there are other men who silently feel the same way, but will never get the chance to tell their story. My question to you, just like it was asked to me that Tuesday is this: Do nice guys finish last? Do you prefer the bad or the good guy/girl?  Come on, tell the truth...

Dating and Marriage with HIV (World AIDS Day)

The numbers of those living with it and those dying from it are staggering , but the ignorance is just as mind blowing as the numbers are. Today is World AIDS Day, and as man, a father, a blogger, and more importantly a recently tested man, father and blogger, it is a matter of life and death that you get tested. I figure the best thing I could do today while talking about the issue of Dating and Marriage with HIV is leave you with information to ponder...

Dating and Marriage - If you are living with HIV, you may be wondering whether you can ever date or get married. The answer is: “Yes!” It’s true that the issue of having a sexual relationship with a partner can cause anxiety when you are living with HIV. But you have to remember—“living with HIV” means just that...LIVING! Having HIV does not prevent you from dating or marrying—it just may require a little more responsibility and trust from you and your partner.

When Should You Tell Someone You Have HIV? - Disclosing your HIV-positive status to a potential intimate partner may be one of the most personal and stressful situations you will face. But when that information is shared, you and your partner can both make informed choices about safer sex, including using condoms and medicines that prevent and treat HIV.  

There is no “right” way to disclose, but here are some tips that can help you:

• Don’t wait until the heat of the moment to start talking about HIV. It’s better to talk about it earlier than later—certainly before you have sex.
• Some people living with HIV have suggested that it helps to talk about your status earlier in the relationship than later. Disclosing you are HIV-positive after you’ve become close to someone can cause your partner to feel as though you have kept something important from him or her.
• Don’t force it. Find the right time and place to have a conversation. You can schedule a time to talk or have spontaneous conversations in a setting where you are comfortable.
• Try scheduling regular check-ins or “talkiversaries.” The key to having a healthy relationship is having an open dialogue throughout the relationship. It can be hard to find the right time to bring these things up. If you agree to schedule them in advance, no one has to wonder about the timing of the conversations.
• A conversation does not have to be face-to-face. Whether you talk, type, or text, what is important is that you start the conversation about HIV.

Need more? The CDC’s Start Talking. Stop HIV. campaign has information and resources as well as practical tips for starting conversations about safe sex and HIV. Also, it’s important to keep in mind that many states have laws that require you to tell your sexual partners if you are HIV-positive before you have sex (anal, vaginal, or oral). In some states, you can be charged with a crime if you don’t tell your partner your HIV status, even if your partner doesn’t become infected. Learn more about state HIV-specific criminal laws.

In addition, to promote safe and voluntary HIV disclosure and address the barriers that may prevent some people living with HIV from disclosing their status, the President’s Advisory Council on HIV/AIDS (PACHA) and the CDC/HRSA Advisory Committee on HIV, Viral Hepatitis and STD Prevention and Care (CHAC) have issued Joint Recommendations on Safe and Voluntary Disclosure of HIV in the United States.

You can read the rest by clicking this link for the AIDS.gov website on this topic, and since this is World AIDS Day, the 18 countries around the world that read this blog can get tested no matter where you are. I take pride in taking part in the most important relationship lesson of our lifetime by participating in this HIV/AIDS awareness campaign. 

I hope you keep this information in mind, until there is a cure...

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