The Difference Between Keepers and Playthings

With all the hype surrounded around men, chivalry and what it means for a man to be a gentleman, I think it’s only fair to also explore some dating tips for women, and what it means for a woman to be a lady. If a gentleman is expected to open doors, walk on the inside of the curb, pull out chairs and pay for dinners, then what should be expected of a lady in exchange? When a man first approaches a woman, it’s true that most men are only after one thing. But if you want something different, like an exclusive commitment, then it is your job as the woman to set the standards for that new relationship from the very beginning. You see, there are two types of women the men go after – keepers and playthings – and the way you respond to a man’s advances is what sets you apart in the eyes of a relationship ready man. So if you think chivalry is dead, think again because you just might not be doing your part as a lady. If you’re looking for a relationship ready man who is a keeper, then you need to be a keeper yourself. Here are a few things to consider if your want to separate yourself as a lady from all the playthings.

Dating Tip #1 - A keeper is a woman of virtue.

A woman who knows what she wants, and knows how she wants to be treated is incredibly attractive. A lady is the type of woman who knows how to be sexy without showing too much skin, and can hold her own in almost any situation she finds herself in. She is honest and upfront with the men she chooses to date, and she sets clear boundaries if a man is the relationship ready man she is looking for. Most importantly, she’s not afraid to let a man walk away if he can’t give her want she wants.

Dating Tip #2 - A keeper commands respect and carries herself as such.

As your officer of love, it's my responsibility to remind you of your rights. Everything you do or say can and will be held against you in the court of love. While most men really are after one thing, that’s only initial response, because every now and then when we discover that rare woman of virtue, she not only has our attention but our respect as well. She alone dictates how a relationship ready man is to treat her and how their relationship will progress on her terms.

Dating Tip #3 - A keeper allows a man to be a man.

Men are very ego-driven. We may get into bar fights because of our egos, but we also fall in love because of our egos. We know we’re not perfect, but having the support of a woman who appreciates us anyway, and values us as the man we have become really helps validate us as men. A real lady doesn’t insult her man when he messes up or does something wrong. Instead, she reinforces to him how strong he is, how smart he is or how competent he is at the things he does do right. If you want a gentleman, then you need to be the lady a gentleman rightfully deserves because relationship ready men are essentially gentleman in search of their fair lady.

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Making Yourself More Approachable

In your quest on finding "The One", it’s pretty easy to get hung up on yourself:

On your looks: Am I pretty enough? Thin enough? Am I dressed right for this date?

On your actions: Should I call him? Do I reach for the check or let him grab it? What if he invites me in – should I go?

On your words: I can’t believe I just said that! Now he’ll never ask me out again.

When you’re so focused on “getting the guy,” you can put undue pressure on yourself to be perfect. Well, I have a little secret for you: Most men are just as nervous, unsure, eager and anxious about dating as you are…if not MORE SO. That’s right, we've got the same fears, insecurities, hopes and desires that you do. Isn’t that a relief? You may feel like a total mess inside, but many men see you and think, “Wow. Look at her. She’s amazing. I’d never have a shot with her”. Don’t believe me? There are hundreds – probably thousands – of websites devoted to teaching men how to become a "Pick Up Artist". These Pick Up Masters show clueless men how to attract women through pick-up lines and patented “moves”. Men all over the world follow these Gurus like it’s a religion, because they so desperately want to meet a woman just like you and get your attention. I just came across a site the other day that is giving men some terrible advice. It actually suggested a man use this line on a woman in a bar: “I noticed you over there, and I find you very sexy. Tell me something about yourself”. Yuck! And it gets worse, another recommendation to get a woman’s attention: “Master a magic trick”. Seriously?

So, given the fact that there are men out there who want to meet you but don’t know how to approach you, I will be start my own charity: The Save the Clueless Man Foundation. Ladies, instead of allowing your beauty and charm to intimidate men and force them to turn to these misguided Pick Up Artists sites that feed them cheesy lines and set them up for failure, do your best to be warm, open and approachable so these men can feel comfortable being themselves and talking to you like real people! How can YOU help Save the Clueless Man? Here are 6 ways you can encourage him to approach you:

1. BE A BILLBOARD FOR HAPPINESS. When you’re excited about life, it shows, AND it rubs off on others. People gravitate toward happy people because they want the contentment that they have. So wipe that scowl off your face, curb the cynicism, and radiate the most positive energy you can muster. If you’re finding this difficult to do, start the day by making a gratitude list of things you’re thankful for. It can be your health, your charmingly crooked smile, or even your dog’s unconditional love. This will definitely change your outlook. People are much more likely to approach someone who is smiling, laughing, and happily engaged with her surroundings rather than the frowning, hunched over person muttering complaints under her breath. 

2. USE APPROACHABLE BODY LANGUAGE. Did you know that only 7% of communication is verbal? That means 93% is nonverbal body language. In other words, your actions (very literally) speak louder than your words. If someone spots you across the room but you have your arms folded across your chest, that sends the subconscious signal “Stay away. I’m closed off”. Conversely, if your posture is good and your shoulders are back, opening up your frame, it sends the message that your heart is open to possibilities even if he’s not consciously aware of it. When you’re engaged in conversation, leaning in toward the person you’re speaking with conveys interest (that’s when being in a loud, crowded bar can work to your advantage). It gives you a legitimate reason to lean in and talk in one another’s ear, which creates a connection. If you’re seated, pointing your legs toward the person you’re interested in also sends an unspoken message. Very literally, it is the act of aligning your body with his that signals, “we’re in line with one another”.

3. ATTRACT ATTENTION WITH A PROP. When someone wants to meet you, they’ll usually look for any reason under the sun to strike up a conversation. Any kind of prop – your dog, a t-shirt with a funny slogan on it, your tennis racket slung over your shoulder, a sweatshirt with your alma mater’s logo, a funky piece of jewelry, a book with an intriguing title on the cover – these are all things that someone might feel compelled to make a comment on or approach you about. If you can give someone just a little something more than “Uh, hello” that they can grasp onto and make small talk with, you’ve instantly become more approachable.

4. SPARK UP SPONTANEOUS CONVERSATION. Sometimes, a person might be too shy, too preoccupied, or too oblivious to their surroundings to initiate a conversation with you. That doesn’t mean that you have to let the opportunity pass you by. Let’s say you’re at Starbucks, and you spot a nice looking stranger standing in line in front of you. You hear them order a Mocha-Choca-Latte. That’s YOUR order too! You move over to the pickup area, and the barista calls out “MOCHA-CHOCA-LATTE for Erica”! This is the perfect opportunity to acknowledge your shared love of the same beverage as a possible way to break the ice and spark up a conversation. What if, instead of dashing out the door, you grab your drink, tip it toward your dream man in as if you were toasting “cheers” and say a funny, innocuous little thing like, “Breakfast of Champions”. Maybe he’ll simply smile. But maybe, just maybe he’ll say, “You’re telling ME. I can’t even function until I’ve had two of those…” Bonding over your caffeine habit might lead to introducing yourselves by name, even exchanging business cards. You never know, just by being the one to go out on a limb and initiate conversation, you could be opening the door to a special connection!

5. A LITTLE FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE. One of the most basic needs we all have as people is to be accepted. Which is why someone giving us a little compliment like “Wow…that shirt really brings out your eyes” can make our whole day. Often, when someone gets up the courage to approach us, they’ll start out with small talk and wait for some kind of signal that we’re interested before they take the risk to ask us out. A small, genuine, well placed compliment could be just the green light they’s looking for. If you’re not sure what constitutes a flattering compliment, consider what you would like to hear yourself. Obviously, catcalling “nice butt” isn’t going to help your case, but commenting on the book they’re reading with a playful, “I can see you’ve got great taste…that’s my favorite book” just might.

6. LOOSEN UP AND LAUGH. Everyone is nervous and a little unsure of themselves when they meet someone new. And when you’re nervous, you’re probably not going to come off as completely polished and pulled together as you’d like. Guess what? This is a GOOD thing. Believe it or not, one of the quickest ways to endear yourself to the opposite sex is by letting them catch a glimpse of your vulnerability or humanity. This lets them know that it’s ok to let their guard down a little bit. Now I don’t mean that you should burst into tears or wear your heart on your sleeve. I just mean that if you fumble your words a little or accidentally take a sip from their drink instead of yours, go ahead and have a laugh. They’ll think it’s totally cute, not clumsy. Take a cue from one of the most endearing moments in awards ceremony history: Jennifer Garner, an actress who’s known for her highly physical role, walked up to the podium to present an Oscar, tripped on her gown, and fell on her face. She jumped up, brushed herself off, and without missing a beat said, “I do my own stunts”. It got a huge laugh. I don't recommend you hurl yourself down a flight of stairs, but you get the point. Learn to laugh at yourself, everything in life isn't supposed to be serious all the time...

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Over-Analyze This!

You know you do it or have done it, because all women are either doing it or have done it at one point in their lives. Its probably been done more often than you’d care to admit. It’s emotionally draining and somehow exhilarating at the same time. It can be as light a gossip session with your girlfriends, or as dark as a shame-spiral of obsession when you’re home alone on a Saturday night with a nice bottle of wine. I’m talking about analyzing men. You dissect our words and actions, make assumptions about our meaning and motives, even create hypothetical scenarios as an attempt to make sense of a confusing situation to comfort yourselves. If you’re like most women, you’ve probably asked yourself or your girlfriends one or more of the following questions, or something similar to it:

• He stared at me for ten whole minutes, but then left without getting my number. Maybe he was just shy?
• We’ve been on three dates but he’s never tried to kiss me. Do you think he’s just being a gentleman?
• He said he’d call but never did. I wonder if he’s just really busy at work?
• He’s clearly miserable with his wife. Do you think he’ll really leave her for me?

More often than not, the conclusions that both men and women draw are the ones that leave the most room for hope. And of course positive thinking and an optimistic outlook are wonderful qualities, especially when looking for love, but we all have to be careful not to create and hang onto false hope. There’s a difference between the "healthy hope" that causes you to wake up in the morning, spring out of bed with a smile on your face and think, “today could be the day I meet someone special”, and the "false hope" that goes against all reason telling us, “sure he hasn’t called in a week, but maybe he’s just busy planning a surprise getaway for us and doesn’t want to give away the secret”. Um, really??? Does that sound likely to you? The truth is, false hope is actually denial in disguise. You see all the signs that something’s wrong with your guy or girl's behavior. They might even come out and say that thing you don’t want to hear, but still you make excuses for them and leave the door of possibility open to a better outcome.

Case in point, this question from Maria B.on the Relationship Lessons Facebook page asks: "How do you know when a partner tells you it’s over, that he truly means it?" My answer would be, You know he means it’s over when he says, “it’s over”. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’ve been in Maria’s shoes and I know that feeling when you want “It’s over” to actually mean, “I’m so in love with you that it terrifies me, so I have to end our relationship, but I’m secretly wishing that you will stick by me and never give up until the day I finally learn to trust in love and come around to realize you’re The One”. This may sound just as crazy as it looks in print, but this is exactly how we think when we’re in love, and we don’t want to give up hope in there being a chance things can work out. And hey, maybe there is more going through their mind than simply “it’s over”, but here’s the deal...It’s NOT up to us to read between the lines, because when we do, we open ourselves up to be hurt even more. We owe it to ourselves to have enough self-respect to take “it’s over” at face value and not waste another moment of our time on someone who isn’t absolutely, positively sure that they want to love and cherish us the way we deserve.

The actual meaning of "it's over", at least for now, is "it’s over". And sure, it'll probably hurt like hell, but the sooner you comes to terms with this, the sooner you can get on the path of healing your heart and getting a fresh start with your life. The sooner you’ll be in a better place to meet a man or woman who will say things like:

• You are amazing.
• I’ve been waiting all my life to meet someone like you.
• I want to be with you forever.

And you can receive this unconditional love and believe every single word, with no analyzing required.

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You Want Control? Take It!

Have you ever listened to men when we watch football together? We crowd around the flat-screen TV and analyze every play, shouting what we would have done differently if we were on the field. We yell at the referee as if he can hear us, criticizing his calls. We curse out the coach, blaming him for every loss. It’s hilarious, when you think about it: We have zero control over what the players, referee or coach does, but we still analyze every action on the field and seem to believe that every curse or cheer will somehow have a direct effect on the outcome of the game. Guess what, ladies? You do something just as ridiculous. Dating is your sport. You may spend countless hours alone, or with girlfriends, analyzing your guy’s every move. You interpret his behavior, guess at his motives, wonder about his feelings, and obsess about what he’ll do next. You do all of these things in hopes that if you just “figure him out,” you’ll have some control over his actions. But just like men can’t jump through the TV, into a uniform and onto the football field to score the winning touchdown themselves, you can’t jump inside a man’s head and make him think and act the way you want him to.

So what about when your guy starts to send mixed signals, pulling you close and then pushing you away? Are you supposed to just sit around and wait for him to to figure out what he wants? No way! Just because you don’t have control over his actions doesn’t mean you don’t have control over the situation. You get to decide what you will do, what you will and won’t accept. Let’s use an example from the Relationship Lessons Facebook Community: Shayla L says: I met a guy online, everything was great the first month. we had a pretty heated make out session one day, the next day he gave me the cold shoulder wouldn't respond with more than a 2 word text. Later that night he said he wanted to slow things down and see where it goes from there. 2 months later we’re getting to know each other as friends. I made the comment the other day about me sliding into the “friend zone” and he said “you’re not in the friend zone, there is still potential there”. My question is: Does it REALLY take a guy 2 months to figure out he wants to be with you romantically, or is he giving me a false hope that something will come of it because he does just wants to be friends?

So what could be going on with Shayla’s guy?

1. He could have decided that the chemistry was “off” for him and he would prefer to be friends.
2. He could have some sort of sexual dysfunction and is too embarrassed to take things to the next level with her physically, which is why he freaked out after the make-out session.
3. He could have major issues that prevent him from making – and sustaining – a genuine intimate connection with a woman.

It could be many other things, but guess what? What’s going on with HIM actually doesn’t matter one bit. What’s important is what’s going on with SHAYLA. If she knows she wants a relationship, not just another friendship, why is she just going along for the ride, allowing this man to take an indefinite amount of time to figure out what HE wants? She’s giving him all the power. For Shayla, and everyone else reading this blog who is with a hot-and-cold guy, I recommend that you immediately start seeing other men. This gives you the power to call the shots. It allows you to get out and meet people who are more interested in the type of committed relationship you want. When "Mr. Let’s Get to Know Each Other As Friends" realizes that you’re no longer waiting around for him to figure out what he wants, he might just get inspired to actually figure it out. If he knows he might lose you, he may “man up” and fight to keep you. At which point YOU get to decide whether you want to make things work with HIM. After all, deciding what’s best for you is the ultimate control in a relationship.

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Lessons Learned From a Cheater

 So I’ve been thinking about what to write about next and I have come across a lot of articles on cheating and lying. Why do men cheat? Why do men lie? There are a lot of opinions about cheating and lying and why people do it. Some say we just can’t help it, or that it is natural. One article on this site says men don’t think and it’s not emotional. I think that these excuses couldn’t be further from the truth. OK, so why does it happen? All I can do is tell you how and why I lied and why I cheated. I don't glory in my past, but I do use my past to shed some light to help you apply a thing or two from my story. Let me give you 4 reasons why I believe it happens, and hopefully a bit of advice on how to “cheat proof” your relationship.

1) Denial. Before we can properly tackle these issues, we first need to realize and understand that we are ALL capable of cheating. No one is exempt from this. Only after we recognize and admit to this can we take steps to prevent and avoid. Denial can and will cloud your judgement. If you believe that it can’t happen to you, then you are setting yourself up to fall hard...VERY hard! You will miss the warning signs and find yourself caught in a bad situation. I believe most people will have the opportunity to cheat at some point in their lives, but if you are aware that it can happen, then you can prevent it before it’s too late.

2) Character. Character plays such a big role in who we are and how we treat others. Character is built up from things like morals and values, and shows itself in your lifestyle and how you treat other people. It is very important to date someone who shares similar beliefs, morals and values with you. For some people, including myself, they just care about pleasing themselves at whatever cost. Cheating and lying therefore are just a means to an end. Someone with a strong set of morals and values will think differently viewing cheating as the worst thing you can do to your partner. Some people find nothing wrong with the occasional lie thinking it’s harmless, but this can’t be further from the truth. A good relationship is built upon many things, including trust. A simple lie can lead to a world of hurt in the future. In the end, be a good judge of character before you get yourself in a relationship. First, look at yourself in the mirror. Know where you stand on the important issues. Have a good set of morals and values then look for that in your partner.

3) Communication. I think many people would agree that communication is the most vital key in any good, long lasting relationship. You need to be able to have honest, open conversations with your partner. There needs to be an atmosphere of safety where it is OK to share thoughts and feelings without being judged. As a man, I would say this is very important. Women generally want someone to just listen to them. Men often communicate to come up with solutions and resolve things. Take the time to talk about all the important issues without being judgmental or attacking. If you want him to open up to you, don’t react negatively or get mad. Instead, work through the issue together and be willing to compromise. Have each others interests put above your own. If you are both thinking about the other person before yourself, then you will both do what it takes to make each other happy. With this kind of open and honest communication, there is no problem too big. Now obviously this requires a level of maturity on both ends, which is why character is so important when choosing your partner. If there is something that makes you unhappy, or if you feel unsatisfied in any part of your life, you need to share this with your partner so you can work through it together. A good relationship is all about two people doing one journey together.

4) Selfishness. As I mentioned already, some people are all about satisfying themselves first, no matter what the cost. This is a lesson I became familiar with and eventually learned from it a long time ago. It is important to look after yourself, but don’t do it at the expense of others, especially your partner. A good relationship needs to be give and take. Look at it like a bank. You need to deposit before you can withdraw. If you both are depositing into each other first, when it comes time for you to withdraw (because we all make mistakes and need forgiveness), there is a balance to draw from. If you keep withdrawing from an empty bank, eventually you’ll get into debt and in big trouble! Be conscious of how your words and actions affect your partner. Make an effort to satisfy their needs first. If they approach the relationship with the same attitude, then you will both be looking after each others needs and both be satisfied.

So, why do people cheat and lie? Like I said, I can only tell you why I did, and maybe you'll apply it to you in some way. 1) Denial: If you believe you are incapable of it, you will miss the warning signs. 2) Lack of character: Some people just have a low set of morals and values. 3) Poor communication: If you ignore a problem, it doesn’t go away or fix itself. 4) Selfishness: You are just out to please yourself, no matter what the cost.

How do you prevent it?

1. Admit that you are capable, then avoid situations that can lead to you lying or cheating. Be proactive about staying faithful to your partner.
2. Build a strong character and look for a strong character when choosing your partner. Agree on a set of beliefs, morals and values.
3. Communicate about anything and everything. There is absolutely nothing too big, or too small, to talk about.
4. Put your partners needs above your own. Go out of your way to make your partner happy. If you are both looking after each others well being before your own, you will both enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Relationship Lessons has joined forces with the Midwest Independent Recording Artists Association, and can be heard every Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons from 12-2pm central time on MIRAARadio.com. Download the Live 365 app on iTunes and Google Play for mobile access. In the R&B/Urban category click Contemporary R&B and scroll for MIRAA Radio. You can also search for Relationship Lessons and the MIRAA pages on Facebook and like the pages as well.

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Truth Is... (Guest Blogger)

A few weeks ago, I received an email at relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com which was just a few sentences long. After reading it, I knew what she wanted to say. I encouraged her to stretch herself, dig deep, and tell me how she really felt about her relationship state of mind. She didn't give up on what she wanted to say, and sure enough she sent me her finished product. So ladies and gentlemen of the relationship world, I present to you Valencia from Chicago.   

What’s wrong with me? I hear this question from various women and, sometimes, from men. I tend to ask myself that question over and over and over (did I mention over) again, and yet still I didn’t have an answer until recently. Most folks ask this question because...

1. You’re single. 
2. You got your stuff together (financials, health, etc). 
3. You’re cute or reasonably attractive (or at least think you are).
4. You’re tired of being single. 

So, let me help you out with the truth that I learned: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Are there things that can be improved? CERTAINLY. Is there something wrong with you? NOT AT ALL! How did I come to this truth? I really wished that it was easy and it just came to me by some superpower. I wished that I could say that I fasted and prayed, and I fasted and prayed until I came to this truth, but alas, I can’t say that either. The truth is...IT'S A PROCESS and it's a different process for everyone, but my process went like this.

Step One: Learn to LIKE YOURSELF! I believe that LOVE and LIKE are two different emotions. I can love everyone, but not like their personality.  If you don’t like yourself, how do you expect someone else to like you? One can go about learning to like themselves in several different ways. For me, I started with fixing the things about me that I didn’t like about myself (weight, hair style, nails, finances, my clothes, the job I was working, the people I was hanging out with, where I was hanging out, and various other things). When  I changed these things to what I did like, instead of what others have told me is “the norm” and would “get a man” or help me “get by”, I found that I liked myself better. Then I strengthened the things about me that I already liked (my relationship with God, obtaining random knowledge about subjects I enjoy, reading what I want and NOT “literature”, etc.).

Step Two: Be who you are FROM THE BEGINNING! Now this one wasn’t quite as easy as step one because I, like others, didn’t want to admit that I was doing things out of my norm or acting out of my norm. Now some environments do require me to step out of my comfort zone and adapt, but I am still me and I treat people like I would normally treat them, act as silly as I can sometimes act, and speak with the same enthusiasm. Now when I found myself doing some of the things that I wouldn't normally do like:

• talking to someone everyday for hours.
• letting them come over everyday when I like to have my space.
• being serious all the time when I like to crack a good joke every now and again.
• spending excessive amounts of money on dinner, clothes, a movie and clubbing, when I know that I'm more of a home cooked meal, jeans, movie/snuggle, private dancer type of person. 

These are all indicators that I was NOT being me. I was trying to be who I thought the person I could potentially be with (or who I was with at the time) wanted me to be. The problem with that is eventually the REAL you steps up and blows up, and some folks can’t take it. So when I blew up or let the facade fade, people who I thought I was going to date, or who I just knew were going to be my friend ended up not liking me, or even got to know the real me.  I came to the realization that it wasn’t their fault, it was mine for trying to be someone else. So, BE WHO YOU ARE!

Now your process may be different, but if you are living in your truth (I mean the real truth, like ”to thyself be true” truth), and if you're not being fake, phony or hypocritical then THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! I know...I know...everyone’s truth is different but I’m telling you once you get this truth, your life will be a whole lot easier. You won’t second guess yourself. You won’t try to be who you think the other person thinks they want you to be (you’ll get that later). You won’t walk in semi-self-confidence. You won’t man (or woman) bash. You’ll be YOU. And guess what...an original is always worth more than a copy.

Relationship Lessons has joined forces with the Midwest Independent Recording Artists Association, and can be heard every Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons from 12-2pm central time on MIRAARadio.com. Download the Live 365 app on iTunes and Google Play for mobile access. In the R&B/Urban category click Contemporary R&B and scroll for MIRAA Radio. You can also search for Relationship Lessons and the MIRAA pages on Facebook and like the pages as well.

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The Lesson of Fatherhood

My son's 12th birthday is today, but last night he called me to tell me about his cake, his balloons, and the presents he received. I said to him "wow, you have a lot going on today for a guy whose birthday is tomorrow". He said "mom is thinking ahead because of the snowstorm coming". You see, Chicago will be in the middle of a potential 8 inch blizzard on his birthday, and mommy didn't want to be out trying to get things together in that kind of weather. I just had to grin and beam at her ingenuity, and have a moment of pride that she is his mom. So I wanted to type a little something out to show a little love to her, and all that she does. I know I may not be the best dad, and there were many days that I wouldn't even claim being a called a good dad. I'll never pat myself on the back for the little that I do, nor do I want to receive pats or cookies for it. It does come natural for me, although there are some who can do it better than I ever could. I Thank God that I had and still have a fatherhood model to work from. The greatest teacher I've ever had is my dad. In watching and listening to him all these years, he credits my mom for doing the heavy lifting in raising 5 kids while he was out working. And as I write this, I proudly take the lesson I learn from him and easily credit LaShaun for her role in our son's life.

Nobody ever said being a dad would be easy (and if they did, they’re lying). Sometimes we struggle. Sometimes we fall down. Sometimes we are imperfect men. But if we are to raise strong children and maintain strong families, we as men have to persevere through the difficult times. I chronicle my struggles as a dad, a husband, and a man on this blog, and while some days seem quite dark, I vow never to give up. In fact, I’ve known dark days, and I’ve had failures as a father and a husband. But I decided that I would not be defeated by my problems. My faith in God, my determination to fight for my family, and my dedication to exorcising my own demons helped me to rise from the depths of despair. And you can do it too. Men, if you’re in the midst of a struggle right now, don’t give up. Keep fighting. Keep pressing forward. Dig deep inside yourself and find the strength to overcome. You have the power to emerge victorious because your family is worth the effort.

Sadly, it doesn’t take much thought or intention to make a baby. Maybe if it did, people would consider the consequences of their actions more seriously. Maybe they might even spend more time taking themselves seriously. Becoming a father is a matter of biology (procreation 101), but becoming DAD is a determined decision! Its the trial and error, day-in and day-out effort a man makes and sticks to for the long haul. It is taking the good with the bad, and the joyous with the absolutely dreaded. It would be nice to have big muscles, have skin as tough as steel, or be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound like Superman. I used to dream daily of being able to stick to walls like Spider-Man and own The Bat-Mobile, but this just wasn’t in the cards for me, but even if I could it wouldn’t matter. As a dad, it really doesn’t matter what you look like. You can be short, tall, skinny or fat. Being a dad means wearing the hats of protector, provider, servant, administrator, caregiver and (gasp) even nurturer.There are days when you have the luxury of choice over what hat to wear, but then there are those days when the hat chooses you. Being a dad is singularly THE greatest and most meaningful experiences a man can ever have. But without out a doubt, it is also THE most challenging. If we knew what we were in for at the onset, to be in charge of another human life, guiding and grooming it from infancy to adulthood, I wager most of us would never sign up. I thank God that ignorance is bliss, and we get to learn and master our craft one day at a time.

 

Men were made to be bold and strong leaders, however our society has attempted to repress these traits. If you look at the way men (especially dads) are portrayed on TV, you’d think we were all a bunch of irresponsible, befuddled, nincompoops, who can only function with the help of a “smart” female partner, friend, or spouse. Consequently, many boys are confused and have no idea what it takes to be a real man. They seek inappropriate role models and emulate the bad behavior that they see on a regular basis. It is our duty as men, fathers, and responsible citizens to counter these negative images and raise a new generation of men who are respectful, loving, and willing to contribute to society in a positive way. If we are to achieve this goal, we must start with improving ourselves. The greatest compliment that a father can get from his son is “I want to be just like you.” That kind of pressure forces you to examine your life and look for ways to improve....

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The Benefits of Making a Man Wait

Fact: Most men want sex whenever and however they can get it.

Fact: Many women will sleep with a man to try to gain – or keep - his interest.

Fact: It’s fairly easy for an attractive, desirable man to get sex, so many will reject a woman if she’s not ready to jump in the sack on the first few dates.

So what do you do when you’re someone who insists on being in a committed, monogamous relationship before getting intimate? How do you find a good guy who’s interested in more than just sex? This question comes from someone on Facebook. She asks:

“I feel like all I ever get are men who are just buying dinner and waiting for the right time to ask for SEX. Are there any men anymore that want a good healthy relationship, who want to share a life together and have the real thing??? Maybe MARRIAGE??? UGH!!! I’m so sick of all of it, I just want to stay by myself…am I alone in this???”

I understand your frustration but I can tell you with absolute certainty that there ARE good guys out there who are looking for a healthy relationship, commitment and marriage. It’s just a matter of attracting them, and you can do so by looking in the right places and being clear about who you are and what you’re looking for along the way. But wait, how EXACTLY do you do that? Let’s break it down.

TIP #1:  DON’T GO TO THE DESERT LOOKING FOR WATER. In other words, look for good guys where good guys hang out. If a serious relationship is your goal, then don’t waste your precious time in bars, clubs, or on websites like “OnlineBootyCall.com” (it really exists, no kidding.) Most likely, the men you’ll meet in these places are looking  for the “low-hanging fruit” also known as women who will hop into bed with them quickly and easily, without the man having to put forth much effort. More on the “low-hanging fruit” theory in a bit. So where CAN you expect to find better quality men? Attending places and events that are significant or meaningful to you is a great way to come in contact with guys who share similar interests and ideals.

• VOLUNTEER OR CHARITY WORK - Think about it: you’ve been meaning to do some volunteering anyway, so it’s a good, positive use of your free time. The BONUS just happens to be that there might be some goodhearted single guys there. Generally, selfish and mean people don’t gravitate toward doing good works, so you can be pretty sure that the men you meet aren’t jerks. That’s better than you can say for the ones you meet in a bar!

• THROUGH YOUR RELIGIOUS OR SPIRITUAL ORGANIZATION - If you are a spiritual person, this same principle applies to meeting men at church, temple, a religious singles’ group, yoga/meditation class, etc. Not only is it likely that you’ve found a worthy date, but you might also be surprised at how much quicker you can bond with someone who already shares your values.

• SOCIAL CLUBS - Social clubs are also good places to meet guys who share similar interests with you. For example, one of my friends is really into motorcycles (it’s not my thing yet, and I want to learn, but she loves it). She joined a biking club just for fun, and on an outing she met a biker dude who she really hit it off with. A few months later when the club took a weekend trip, the two of them rode off into the sunset

• CLASSES - Don’t forget classes, too. Taking a creative writing seminar, signing up for kickboxing lessons, and enrolling at a continuing education class at your local university are all good avenues to meet men who are interested in learning something new and improving themselves (always good traits to have!).

• THE DOG RUN - Another place to meet good men is at the dog run of your local park.  Guys who love animals are just more loving people all around.  Of course it’s always better if you have a dog to bring. Nothing is a better icebreaker than a little butt-sniffing, and I mean between your dog and their dog. Even if you don’t ave a dog, you can still stop by to watch the puppies frolic. If you see a man who looks interesting there, it can’t hurt to ask him about his dog. Try something like, “Is that a boxer? I’m thinking of getting a dog but I don’t know what breed. Do boxers bark much?” and see where the conversation takes you.

TIP #2: DON’T ROT WITH THE LOW-HANGING FRUIT; BE PROUD TO BE THE SHINY APPLE AT THE TOP OF THE TREE. The truth is, most men do want sex whenever and however they can get it. But for the many good guys out there, the ultimate prize is an intimate relationship with a woman whom they have a deep and meaningful commitment. The right man will respect your values, cherish you as a person, and willingly wait for the right time to be intimate with you, when you’re ready. So as frustrating as it might be to waste a Saturday night with someone whom you thought you had a good connection, only to realize that he suggested the lobster dinner in hopes that’d get you in the sack, look on the bright side. By politely refusing sex and letting a man know that you’re waiting for a committed, monogamous relationship, you’re applying a great litmus test. If he runs for the hills...good riddance! He’s clearly not worthy of you. If he sticks around and continues to pursue you, while respecting your boundaries, then you can be pretty sure this guy is a good catch.

Low-hanging fruit may be easy, but eventually easy gets boring. Most men love a good challenge, and when you stand up for your beliefs and refuse to fall into bed with just anyone, it sets you apart from all the women out there who will. The good men who are looking for a relationship and a wife, will be thrilled to meet a woman like you. True intimacy is something that is built with trust and shared experiences over time and can’t be created through sex alone. When you’re in a committed relationship with someone who cherishes you, you’ll both know that it was worth the wait...

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