I've been blessed to turn over some of the writing this month to people who have a lot more experience at this than I do, and can write circles around anything I could ever hope to imagine. Natalie Haywood has a blog called "The Relationship Destroyers". Don't let the name fool you, from her website you can learn about the emotional drivers that can destroy your relationship. You can follow her blog at www.DontDestroyRelationship.com. When I read this two weeks ago, I had to let her know that I was giving her the stage during the 12 Days to share her information on my blog as the last guest blogger of 2013.
It is understandable we will make mistakes in the relationship. Understandable, but not really allowable. If the mistake was cheating, or some other form of betrayal, we
should never come back to the relationship with a lame apology expecting
forgiveness, or worse, looking for our partner to just get over it. Regardless of how much time has passed, if you have done a horrible
job in doing everything you absolutely can to make amends, your partner
will not just get over it. When you step outside of your relationship, it's your job to fix it. Cheating, when you both agreed to exclusivity, is a blatant and
flagrant violation of the agreement to yourself, your partner, and the
relationship.
Please understand you are no longer held in high regard the same way,
and in the same place before your betrayal. The price for severing
trust and hope in the relationship is you going above and beyond —
everyday. If your partner still does not trust you, there is a 90%
chance that you did not do everything beyond your power (not within your power) to
put your indiscretion so far behind the both of you. Put your mind in the mind of your injured partner. If you were found
out, there was nothing more for you to do but to confess. And if you
confessed, you have left a residue of doubt in your partner’s mind of
other things you may have done or are doing that you have not confessed
to. This is not only disturbing, but unnerving.
Your word means nothing right now — yet it means everything. Your
words are questionable, because you have lost credibility, from the
perspective of the indiscretion being over, or you not doing it again.
You have reduced yourself to the status of a liar. But everything you
say involving that situation is heard and greatly considered. Choose
your words wisely. Understand that your partner put his/her heart in your care. An
emotional risk was taken in you, and you chose to diminish your
investment value by an indiscretion that was much stronger than your
word and your bond. Your indiscretion has crossed many difficult emotions that are not
easily healed or repaired. Your partner is disgusted, frustrated, and
has no motivation for you or the relationship. It takes work to
rebuild trust, re-gain love, heal the pain you’ve caused, and repair the insecurity that came as a result of your relational transgression.
Recent studies suggest that there is infidelity in 8 out of 10
marriages in the United States: and 69% of marriages don’t survive an
affair. The relationship is the core of marriage. The statistics are stacked against you. To leave the relationship in
the shape that it is now is doomed for continual destruction. Take the
relationship beyond what was before, by being different and better than you were before. When your partner responds by pulling back on sex, being withdrawn,
uncommunicative, and unresponsive, it is his/her way of dealing. Be
sensitive and deal with his/her feelings.
You cannot throw blame on your partner when you caused the breach. If
your partner snaps, take it! He/She is angry, hurt, insecure and
fearful. You put those emotions there. Take it! You can also say, “I
deserve that”. Folks respect the universal law of “You reap what you sow”. Your
partner can respect you more when you express your feelings, fears and
tears. Allow your partner to a place in your heart and expression where they have not been before. It helps to show your vulnerability. A little humiliation doesn’t hurt. Now is not the time to have pride, stubbornness, a myopic view of the
truth, and a nonchalant spirit. Nor is it the time to hold back.
You’ve got to go in hard, doing more than your share of everything to make your partner comfortable with you again.
To rebuild trust you begin by removing the doubt. You remove the doubt by not creating anymore than you have already, and by removing any possibilities of doubt. Be accountable
of where you are. Call when you are out so there is no doubt as to
where you are. Don’t have vague disingenuous conversations. Do not text
either, this can give the impression you cannot talk.
You must become extremely transparent, so transparent that it is no question as to what you are doing, where you
are going, who you are calling or texting, and who is reaching out to
you. This should not be about you feeling lo-jacked. This is about you
building trust.
Be reachable, all the time. Go above in showing affection. Go above in showing your loyalty. Use every sentimental moment whenever you can to say you are sorry. When you say you're sorry, feel the pain you have caused your partner. Look him/her in the eye and over communicate.
Speak love to your partner everyday and find a way to make him/her feel special.
Don’t overdo it here, because you may diminish the sincerity of your
gestures. Be genuinely concerned about your partner’s day. If there is
a problem, find a way to fix it.
Take time out for intimate discussions on what you can do more to make your partner happy in a way you had not done before. When your partner speaks, don’t listen with your feelings, listen with the feelings of your partner.
Should the conversation come up about your indiscretion, do not indulge the details, but be thoughtful
in your response. Do say, “I was a fool for what I did, when I have
someone like you at home. I am sorry. Please Baby forgive me ”.
You may be wondering how long and how much you must work at this. You
will know — providing you know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) in your
heart, mind, and soul that you have gone beyond, and when your record
has been beyond impeccable. If you are saying one thing and your
partner is saying the opposite, work to find out why. Do not be resistant about this, or you will make matters much worse.
In truth when you have taken ownership of what you’ve done, and you
have exhausted everything you can do. When you have felt your partner’s
pain, and gone above to be the healing force, and when you have
experienced pain because of what you’ve done, you will never forget your
mistake, and most likely will not repeat it again.
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