Lessons In Finding Your "One"

It seems like right before Valentine's Day people are basically aching more for "the one" than ever before. I can somewhat relate because right now I'm dying for the NFL season to continue, and we're only days away from the Super Bowl. A lot of people want to find the one, they really do.They are looking for that one person they can spend the rest of their lives with. Anyone who has been around me long enough knows that I believe in soulmates. I feel a lot of people are searching for their soulmate, but they are not enjoying the journey or the search in the process.

Think about it this way: every single day, if you go out with an open mind instead of searching for "the one", and wondering where they are going to be, if you go out every single day and start flirting with people, talking to people, having fun with people, and basically enjoying the beauty of being single, guess what happens? The Law of Attraction happens. You start meeting great people. You start meeting great people that are interested in you. You start creating chemistry with great people that are interested in you. Not only that, you'll actually start having fun out there. You're never going to meet "the one" when you're miserable, or when you're sitting around with a bunch of your friends complaining about where all of the great people are, or living behind excuses, and you know all of the excuses...

• This city is not a good place to meet people.
• I'm at a certain age right now and no one wants to date me.
• I'm too fat to date. I'll get out there when I lose 10 pounds.

All of this of course, is bull! It's all about who you are, it doesn't even matter where you live. I don't care if you live in Austin Texas, and you think there are no good people there, so you move to Miami, Florida. You are still going to take that same attitude with you to Miami that you had in Austin. I believe that you can meet great men and women anywhere, but it's all about your mindset.

To me, being single is amazing. You get to experience all the little mini relationships, even though they may not be "the one", they're just people that are helping you get closer and closer to what you really want. I call them a relationship coming attraction. You know when you go to the movies and you watch 3 or 4 previews before the movie starts, you think to yourself "I can't wait to see that movie" or "I will pass on that movie". Each person that you date will show you a coming attraction about themselves or about yourself. You'll say either I can't wait or I'll pass and wait for the next one. You have to consider those relationships a preview of coming attractions because you learn so much from every single person. So don't get disappointed if the person you're dating right now is not the one. Just embrace the lesson they are teaching and the amazing things you are learning.

When you are so consumed in your life with dating or being with "the one", you miss all of the beautiful things that can happen between you and the other person. You might meet someone tomorrow, and they might only be there for a month, but they will always teach you something about yourself. I truly believe that we are all just messengers. We teach each other lessons to show each other beautiful things until we become the complete person that we need to be. Only at that moment when we've experienced enough things in our lives, will "the one" be delivered to us. So get out there and date, get out there an experiment, get out there and learn something! Because if you don't, you're never going to find "the one" because you don't really know what they are about, or what you are supposed to be..

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A Relationship Lesson From An NFL Quarterback

There is a public perception when it comes to professional athletes, that many of these guys are spoiled brats who make a tremendous amount of money because they have a God given ability to play a sport. Because many of these athletes are paid handsomely and revered by the masses, it is not uncommon for them to develop huge egos and a sense of entitlement. These guys are paid well, chauffeured first class all around the world, and live a life that most people can only dream of simply because of their ability to play a game. As a result, these guys are looked up to and loved by the masses. They live in a world where guys want to be them and girls want to be with them, not for who they are but for what they represent. 

These stereotypes may be common for many professional athletes, but if the truth be told, if I was a twenty-something single guy making millions of dollars and worshiped by the masses, I probably would act the same way. For the most part, the image that is painted by super-rich, super-talented egomaniacs is well deserved. But every so often an athletes step up to the forefront, and shows that its not fame and fortune that makes a man act the way he does, it's simply his internal character. Having known a few professional athletes and entertainers in my life, I have learned that fame and fortune will make you more of what you already are. If you are a loving and generous person, you will simply do more loving and generous things. If however you are selfish and an egocentric driven spoiled brat, you will tend to do and say things thinking only about yourself, and there will not be any concern for how your words and actions affect others.

Recently I heard a story about NFL quarterback Brady Quinn of the St. Louis Rams. Brady is dating an elite gymnast named Alicia Sacramore. While Brady was the backup quarterback for the Denver Broncos, Alicia ruptured her Achilles tendon while training in Tokyo for the World Gymnastics Championships. Now, that's something I know about...the tendon rupture, not the gymnastics. Her tendon ruptured so badly that she required surgery. So, what did her boyfriend do? He got on a plane and flew halfway around the world to be by her side for her surgery. Why? Because that is what a man does when he loves his woman.

It could have been easy for Quinn to come up with all the excuses and reasons in the world for why he couldn't make it to Tokyo, but he didn't. He did what he felt was right in his heart to support the woman he loves. So the next time the guy you're dating says he can't do something that is important to you, realize it is not that he can't do it...it's probably because he won't do it. Why? Because it's simply not important enough for him to be there to support you.

I know it may seem that guys like Brady Quinn are rare, but they really aren't. There are loads of good men out there who would love to be in a relationship with a woman like you. The problem might be that you will never know about these types of guys, if you never give them the opportunity to show you how great they are. So the next time do you need a guy to be there for you, and he comes up with reasons and excuses as to why he can't be there for you...remember this story. Guys like these may be the exception to the rule, but do you think Alicia Sacramone is concerned about that? Probably not. Do you know why? It's because she found herself one man who is willing to treat her with love and respect...

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Only One Can Be "The One"

Its funny how life works. Most of my adult life has had its ups and downs, quite typical of adults I guess, but my ups and my downs have been with one person in particular. I tried to do the common thing that most divorcees do and make a life without the one you married after it failed, but for some reason my life has always had her in it. When I say it has always had her in it, I mean it has ALWAYS had her in it. She has given me advice on other relationships, what birthday gift to buy another woman's child, I have encouraged her when she was at her lowest relationship point. Overall, we remained consistent to each other, even more so after the divorce. We are teammates in raising a son, and all of the immaturity that has dominated me and her (more me than her), has propelled us into a more adult lifestyle now. 

I had to take a moment to laugh because my father turned 75 over the weekend, and my family had a celebration bringing everyone together under one roof which is hard to do with a family like mine. I have two sisters and two brothers, one married almost 30 years and another married almost 3 months in attendance with their wives. My older sister's daughter was in Vermont for school and couldn't come, but my younger sister's daughter and her boyfriend came and for a minute it had me thinking...anyone who is with someone is in this house at the same time, and here I was by myself. As we were all gathered, my son walks in just as tall as almost everyone in the room at 12. Everyone just laughing and talking with him so much took all of the pressure off of her when she quietly walked in the room. I think she has not been in a room with my entire family since the divorce. It took one person to call her name out, and everyone went into a high pitch welcome full of hugs and embraces that I have to admit I've never seen before. You would think that if a person was divorced, they would be stoic in welcoming that man or woman in any family gathering. Not this family, and not for this woman. 

What makes this one The One? In the time since our divorce, I've been with women in relationships and even in marriage, and my parents only know one woman's name...her name. Whoever I would eventually introduce to them was measured by one woman's standard...her standard. My parents and my family, who mean everything to me absolutely love this woman without missing a beat. I'm not saying we are a couple or even soon to being a husband and wife again, but I am saying that out of the years we've had together (26 years in total), if there was anything she needed from me...she knows I got her. I am also saying that if there was anything I needed from her...I know that she's got me as well. She proved that to me just by coming to honor my Pop. My family may not be the best depiction of what it should be all the time, but what we do know how to keep family a family no matter what. For my family to say at my Pop's birthday celebration that even after 11 years divorced, she will always be a member of this family just blew me away. Leave it to my own family to give me their version of a relationship lesson...

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Stalker Alert! (Guest Blogger)

Over the Christmas holiday I wrote an article called Stalk The Halls, and soon after that, in my mailbox was this submission from someone. No name was given, so I can't give her credit where it's due. I'm guessing you'll understand why no name was given after you read this...

I’ve joked before to my friends about stalking a guy’s life because I was interested in him. Let’s say our first date goes really well and my excitement leads me to want more information. In turn I may do a little harmless Google search. But really, I don’t have it in me to impose myself on someone in the physical sense. Let alone do creepy or potentially unwanted things to gain their attention. Okay I’ll just say it, I don’t think that my pride will allow it, but some people have no shame. They can’t be stopped!

Now let me scale back on the dramatics. I wasn’t in fear for my life, but the actions of one select individual did cause me to raise an eyebrow. I’ll run this by you and see if you share my sentiment. His initial approach to asking me out was pretty traditional. Nothing alarming about that, right? We met at a lounge after work in Midtown Manhattan. He sparked up conversation and he seemed nice enough so I accepted the invitation for a date. I’m open to new prospects. Fast forward to post first date. I’d decided that I wasn’t exactly smitten with him so I didn’t make any extra effort to connect with said man. He didn’t do anything specifically wrong or off-putting. The chemistry just failed to pop up from my perspective. I hadn’t exactly excluded him but he wasn’t really on my radar either.

Back to post date, about a week later I’d just walked into my neighborhood bar to meet a girlfriend for a drink when I received a text from him. He asked where I was going? Then he said, “I just saw you.” I looked around for a second, puzzled. I knew that I didn’t see any familiar faces on my walk down the street so I was a little confused. I responded very simply that I was meeting a friend. Once I spotted my girl, I put my phone away and continued to sip and chat with my friend. About 45 minutes later I checked my phone again. Another text. This one said, “Come say hi, I see you.” I’m thinking WTF! I don’t see you. I scanned the room super quick, nothing. No sign of him. A slight panic started to set in and I wanted to slump down on my barstool. It’s no secret that I watch way too many crime drama shows. I’m well-aware that people can be cray cray, and you can’t underestimate them. My girl was giving me the side-eye clueless as to what I was looking at. I hadn’t mentioned the first text to her because I thought nothing of it. After filling her in I showed my girl the text and her eyes got big. Then she asked me where he was…like I knew! That was the unsettling part. 

I don’t like childish moves so my panic quickly turned into an annoyed chick ready to flash. After 10 minutes of uncertainty on my end, this strange bird that I went on a date with comes strolling over to my girlfriend and I smiling. I wasn’t amused. He extended his hand to introduce himself to her immediately. For some reason, he gave off an air of importance, like he and I really had something going on. I gave him the driest interaction that I could conjure up. I wanted to pop him in the head like a little brother who played a bad prank. Maybe he didn’t have any friends tell him that women don’t like men that act creepy. But that wasn’t my problem. There wasn’t much small talk to be had with him, so after the awkward exchange concluded he went back to wherever it was that he came from. At that point I had no desire to ever hear from him again. I was over it.

I know, I know. Some of you are thinking “You should’ve told him that you were no longer interested”. Honestly, my cowardly side came into play and I wanted to avoid the entire situation — mainly him. Not to mention, I didn’t know what type of result I would get by reaching out to him to put an end to things. That may have garnered another creepy interaction. Skip to three weeks later. I receive another random text. He says hello and asks how I’m doing? I responded with one word, “Hey.” He goes on to say, “I just saw you earlier…” First off, that makes no sense. I detect lies. Did you just see me? Or did you see me earlier? It all sounds a little suspect to me. He went on to rundown what I was doing when he saw me and I couldn’t help but get annoyed again. So how did you see me well enough to know exactly what I was doing but you did not announce yourself and make your presence known. That’s strange to me. Especially if you in turn text me after and make me aware that you saw me. I’m not an expert on stalking, and I’ve never had anyone close to me endure a true stalker situation and I’m not sure how things start out, but the coincidences were too strange for my comfort level. Maybe he is not the “sneak into your apartment and hide in the closet waiting for you” type. I don’t know, but I’m just thinking that maybe he and his actions were a bit too strange for my taste.

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Fight or Flight

The survival fight-or-flight instinct is an automatic reaction that occurs in response to a harmful attack or threat to survival. It’s a really cool theory; it protects us from being hurt – and I think it also applies to relationships. I have always held on to this theory because I have experienced my fair share of them. When relationships are ending, you have two options: either fight for the relationship, or walk away. We’ve all been through relationships and breakups. It’s a part of life. Unless you've married your high school sweetheart, most of us will have more failed relationships than successful ones. We men have to go through a few Ms. Right Now's before we find our Queens. However, failed relationships teach us a lot – what we will and won’t put up with and what we do and don’t like. They are learning experiences and we should hope not to repeat the same mistakes, but what’s really important is why we break up. When I was divorced – after the raw emotions subsided — I took some time to think about why the relationship ended and why I didn’t fight for it. When people break up, I believe the reasons fit into two main categories: things you are willing to change and things you can’t. Based on the reason, you can decide whether to fight and fix the problem, or fly away because the situation is beyond your control.

As a man, my natural tendency is to fight, regardless of the reason for the breakup. It’s the “how dare you dump me” reflex. There’s absolutely no reason behind that other than male ego and pride. It's sad, but it's also true. An immature man might win a woman back just to breakup with her on his terms. In reality however, there are only certain things that are worth fighting for: the things you are willing to change and the things that are worth changing for. The worthiness of those changes is based on your commitment to the situation. If your girl tells you she needs more attention, needs you to listen, or needs a commitment, those are things you can change, if you want. If she’s crying out for you, more than likely she doesn’t want to end it; she just wants you to step up.

Now if she starts talking about personality traits, your appearance, your kids, or your faith – there’s only so much you can do about those things. You could try to be a different person and change your personality – be nicer, kinder, funnier, meaner, etc. But unless you’ve really gone through some type of transformation, the new you won’t last long.  You could lose weight, dress differently, and grow hair. This change is a little bit more achievable, but is it really who you are? Kids? I hope you wouldn’t disown your offspring over a woman, but I’ve seen that done too. Faith? I’m a Christian and I refuse to compromise on that, but if your woman gives you an ultimatum between her and your faith, that’s a choice you have to make on your own. I’m definitely not beyond sin, and I’ll sin again today at some moment, but if I'm given a direct choice, I’ll choose my God every time.

So you can choose to fight or fly, it’s definitely your choice, but take the time to think before you act and don’t let it be merely a reflex. If you choose to fight, make sure it’s what you really want and have a plan that addresses her concerns.  And if the situation ends, make sure you learned something from it. There’s no reason for us to repeat the same mistakes...

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Is Your Past Really In The Past?

Twitter at times can be one of the most useful tools ever for a writer. For me, it seems to give me random inspirations. It was last week that I came across a tweet from a young lady. It wasn’t directed at me, it was just her thinking out loud. I won’t disclose her name, but it got me to thinking. Now I may be paraphrasing but it read: “There’s this guy I really like and we really get along great but he says we can’t be together because of my past.” Now for the record, when this young lady refers to her past, I don’t know what she’s referring to. I can put two and two together, and have a good idea of what she’s referring to. I don’t know this woman, but what I DO know is that she seems to have known this guy for a bit, and that she feels that her worst days of her past are behind her. After having read that, I happened to see another tweet that read “Be honest about your past, but never honor it above your present and your future. Love YOU more in 2014. #Nextdecisionbetter.” That tweet  echoes many of my sentiments in a nutshell.

As a man, I’m very much aware of how men internalize a woman’s past whether it be infidelity, promiscuity, or deceit. I just feel that we can’t treat all cases the same for a number of reasons. First off, I simply think that we all deserve the opportunity to improve our lives.

No matter what we've done, we deserve a chance to get things right - In this woman’s case I’m not saying that this guy should have to take her on. I am saying that this young lady deserves the chance to be happy like anyone else if she has grown from past experiences. I know scenarios like this always come down to a matter of preference. I know many of the fellas who do read this site might feel like “later for her.” You’re well within your rights to feel however you like. It just boggled my mind that we can define a person totally solely off a part of their life. We do this while not considering any other facet of their being. Is a sexual history the only barometer at which we should measure compatibility of mates? Does nothing else matter? Better yet, isn’t it possible that people can change?

I participated in a Twitter chat last week, and the debate on that night was good girls versus bad girls. This debate is one that always seems to come around the bend when talking about what men want. A main part of the discussion was clearly defining what was a good woman and what was a bad one. With the scenario I brought forth today, I ask all of you...if a bad woman can turn good, is it possible then for the woman in my story to be given a chance?

We have all done things that we aren’t proud of - I guess I’m sticking up for the ladies who are just trying to get it right.To be fair, as a man I will never be scrutinized as much as a woman. I just feel like men as a whole think there’s only one way to skin a cat. We think we have all the answers. We can perfectly weed out bad girls from the good ones. It’s reminiscent of me telling ladies that they can’t weed out all bad men through celibacy. There’s never a foolproof way to know it all.

Ultimately it’s our choice who we decide to commit to - In making that choice, I think it’s important to note that it’s your happiness that matters. I’m a firm believer in making decisions for yourself. If things go awry, then there’s a lesson to be learned. It’s alright to note that things can end up really well.

To my ladies reading this, have you ever been in this situation? To the gentlemen reading this, do you feel like you're being judged over the dead issues of your past? What I see from this story is a woman who isn’t shying from her faults. She embraces her truth and in that has some disappointment. Have you ever missed out on someone due to what they considered being a checkered past? I asked this question on my Facebook page a couple of days ago, and I received some interesting feedback. If you can’t get with my thought process I understand. I just wanted to voice my concerns on the topic...

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Is A Breakup In Your Future?

I was once in a relationship that was nearly impossible to continue, but I couldn’t get myself to leave. We had broken up before, but it was never final. When we broke up, we eventually got back together. I still felt like I loved this woman and still had hope that perhaps the relationship had a future, but boy was I wrong. I realized I was looking at the relationship from a completely different perspective. If I tried to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship, I could always put the fact that I loved her above all the bad things of the relationship. With a little research, I came across a book entitled "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It resonated with my situation perfectly. Mira uses a diagnostic approach to deciding whether or not you should stay in a relationship. You answer a few questions and you realize yourself whether or not you should breakup. Simple, right? Although, this blog is not as detailed as her book, here are a few questions that helped me in my decision and I think most people can relate to.

1. Was The Relationship Ever Truly Great?

If your relationship never felt great, then it probably never will be great in the future. I realized I was never truly happy in the relationship. I was just hoping things would get better. But again, I was wrong.

2. Do you have communication issues?

It’s one thing to have communication problems. It’s an entirely different thing when your partner does not want to work on the communication issues. For me, we had a lot of issues because of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I was willing to work on my communication problem, but you can’t solve a communication problem in a relationship unless both partners decide to work on it.

3. Do they have a complete lack of desire or capability to change?

I do believe that you should accept your partner for who they are, but there are some things that you just can’t accept. It could be their smoking habit, or something serious like a drug or alcohol addiction. If they’ve tried multiple times and failed, or they just don’t have the desire to make any changes in their lives, then it’s best to just leave the relationship and don’t look back.

4. Did your partner hit you more than once?

Although this point doesn’t relate to me, I thought it was an important one to include in the list. If your partner laid hands on you then it’s quite obvious that you should leave. But I know a lot of cases where people continue to stay in an abusive relationship. I guess everyone is allowed one mistake, however if they hit you more than once, then you know that it’s only going to get worse and its better to breakup.

5. Is your self-esteem lower than before?

Relationships are supposed to help you nurture and grow in your life, but a bad relationship can actually drain you and takes a toll on your self-esteem. If you find yourself less confident and you think your self-esteem is worse than it was, then you can rest assure that this relationship is not good for you. You must breakup, as soon as possible. This point really hit home with me, because I did find myself drained and less confident than I was before.

In the end I chose to breakup and we didn’t reconcile. She did try to get me to come back, but I was determined. Now that I look back, making the decision to leave was the hardest part for me, but sticking to the decision was much easier than I thought it would be.

Let this help somebody...

Starting The Year With A Bang, And An Award Too!

Rest.

Romance.

Reset.

Rejuvenate.

Reward.

These are all of the things I've experienced since I ended 2013 with my last blog. I really, really, REALLY needed the break. Everyone needs a chance to clear their mind and reset their imagination, and that's exactly what I've been doing. If you get a chance to breathe, I suggest you do so for yourself. In the middle of my literary sabbatical, I got the news that I was receiving the Sunshine Blogger Award. What a fantastic way to start off 2014, right? The Sunshine Blogger Award is an award given among bloggers to recognize one another for spreading rays of sunshine and motivation. So yep, you can just call me Mr. Ray of Sunshine!

Contingent on accepting the award, I must pay homage to the person that nominated me. Russelyn Williams has been a guest blogger for me, and I've had the pleasure of appearing on her radio show "The Good Life" heard on iHeartRadio a few times. Russelyn also has a blog of her own that I absolutely LOVE called Intercession For A Generation that you can visit by going to intercession4ageneration.org.

The following questions have been asked from blogger to blogger, therefore I must answer them in a "getting to know me" style. No acceptance speech of me thanking the academy is necessary at this point, so here goes:

1. What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning? Morning devotion: meditation in prayer, confirmation in reading, and inspiration in music. It's better than breakfast! 
2. What is your greatest fear? Being in the same room with clowns and mimes (take a minute to insert your laughter here).
3. Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2014? Do things for me because I MATTER!
4. What is your favorite song at the moment? Prince "Call My Name". My God, that song is intoxicating and dangerous at the same time!
5. What is your favorite childhood memory? 1975, walking up the tunnel at Wrigley Field getting my first look at the ballpark, the ivy covered walls, and the ballplayers that looked like giants to me throwing the baseball around. I've been a Cub fan ever since!
6. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook.
7. What did the last text message you received say? "That's one way of looking at it". Referring to the good I see in snow when most of my friends seem to hate it. 
8. What bugs you the most? Missed romantic opportunities (my own especially).
9. What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house? My oven. Dinner for one won't make itself.
10. If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room, what would it be? Rose Royce "I Wanna Get Next To You". Classic old school straight to the point music.
11. What’s your favorite movie quote? There are SO many from my favorite movie Brown Sugar, but if I had to pick just one quote it would be "I don't know why your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it".

My nominations for the Sunshine Blogger Award are:

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue, baggagereclaim.co.uk 

The Life of Dad by Brian Klems, thelifeofdad.blogspot.com 

I'm honored and thankful for this recognition, and now it's time to get back to writing again. Type you later...