In the 1933 Universal Studios horror film The Invisible Man, Claude Rains plays Dr. Griffin, a scientist who
becomes invisible when he starts experimenting with a dangerous chemical. This
radical and sudden change turns him from a compassionate seeker of knowledge
into a murderer, bent on chaos and destruction. When I turned invisible, it took a lot longer, but it was just as painful. As men over 40, there comes a time in our life when we begin to feel this
invisibility overcome us. Just as Harry Potter was able to pull a cloak
of invisibility over himself to hide from his enemies, we feel
this cloak begin to cover us and hide us from the world and the dating
opportunities that are out there. We are longing to get out there, but for some reason, the world does not
respond to our wishes:
- We begin to feel lonely.
- We begin to feel depressed.
- We occasionally hide our feelings inside a bottle or at the end of a fork.
- We don’t go out, because why should we, when all it does is lead to another night alone.
The formula for invisibility: It took the good Dr. Griffin quite some time to discover the exact formula
for invisibility, but you and I can recreate it any time that we want.
Invisibility is ours for the taking. We can suffer as long as we desire. We can
even teach other men how to become invisible. Even though each of us can become invisible, each of us has a unique path to
transparency. My path is not your path, and my elixir may not work on you, but I will
now show you the ingredients that led to my invisibility. Take a look at your
life and see if any of these elements are in your life at this time.
I was over 40, and the awkwardness of my teens and the
partying of my twenties had led to the sowing wild oats of my thirties. I
wasn’t thinking about a long term relationship, or about a relationship in
general. I was living in the hedonistic moment, unafraid and unaware of the
years of invisibility that lay before me. Because I was busy trying to write, I had no social life. When you have no
social life you will have a very small to non-existent circle of friends. I was
too busy scribbling away in my Ivory Tower to keep in touch with friends and
family, much less go out to see them and have a drink or dinner or even coffee
with them. They would invite me out, I would choose art over friendship, and I
would turn them down. The invitations became few and far between, and then they stopped. I knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know how
to fix the problem and heal myself. All I knew was, that as a man, I had to
take action. I rushed out into the world, but it did not turn out well. I started going
out again, and the pain only increased. I was there, but no one was noticing
me. My invisibility was complete. There comes a time in the life of a man when he must learn the tools and
lessons necessary to overcome the wasteland, to overcome the invisibility that
has surrounded him. He must learn the lessons, and come back and teach those
lessons to others.
The journey to visibility: I have returned with the elixir, and I am here to bear witness that we can
all be healed. You can have a great social life, and you can start dating again.
You can surround yourself with those who are proud to call you their friend. You can become visible again, and here's how...
.
1. Be Patient — When I first started dating again, I had
a bad case of "Instant Gratification". I hit the ground running, signed up for
match.com, created a profile and expected the emails and winks to start rushing
in. Imagine my surprise when they did not come immediately. They barely came at
all. I would log in each morning, right after my workout, and see the empty inbox, and I would die a little inside. Where were they? What you need to realize is that this is a long term game. Finding the love
of your life will take time and it will take patience. Even though you may have
become single quickly, perhaps through a divorce, finding and becoming part of
a new relationship will not happen so immediately. Your journey begins with one step, and it will continue with a thousand more
in front of you. Prepare yourself for this, because it’s inevitable. This takes time, but it will be worth it.
2. Be Realistic — I thought that I was quite a prize when
it came to the dating scene. I look at my competition and saw that I was gainfully employed, had all my teeth and
(grey) hair. What I got was dead silence. What I realized is that I didn’t get
any responses because I was aiming at the wrong target. When you are over 40, the days of dating 20 year old women are gone. Those
days are saved for guys who are in the midst of a mid-life crisis and trust me,
it’s not going to end well. He will lose sleep, he will lose money, and he will
lose self-respect trying to keep that plane in the air, but it’s going to end
like the Hindenburg disaster. Plenty of screaming and explosions. You might want to adjust your thermostat to women who are your own age. I’ll
give you 5 to 10 years younger, but don’t go beyond that. If you go beyond that, and
you’ll be venturing into creepy territory. I need you to age gracefully and with all the qualities of a man, not a boy. You know who’s going to want to date an over 40 man with children? An over 40 woman with children.
3. Be Yourself — As I put the above lessons into action,
my life got better. I received more emails, I got more winks, I had more coffee
dates, I had more second dates. I learned who I truly was, and I learned what I
wanted and what I didn’t want in a partner. I was getting closer and closer to
the elixir, to the holy grail, but I still had miles to go.
(story time) I remember the end of one coffee date, I always took women out for coffee for a first date, because it was casual, low key, and allowed us to face each other and talk and listen and learn about each other. This particular date had started out great. We met at a local Starbucks, and we spend the evening talking about movies, television, our past, our desired future, etc. I walked her out to her car, and asked if she would like to get together again. She said no. She said that I was too nerdy. At the beginning of my journey, I would have taken this as a slight. I would have been embarrassed, ashamed and would have tried to talk her into a second date by promising to be less nerdy. I didn’t do any of that. I just laughed. Why? Because I love being nerdy and doing nerdy things. I re-discovered my love of the TV series "Smallville" and the correlation between Clark, Lana, Lex and Lois. She called me a nerd because I am a nerd. Enough about me, who are you? Who is the man that you face in the mirror each morning? Are you being who you truly are? When you go out, are you relaxed and comfortable in your skin, or are you nervous and desperately trying to do things and say things that will gain her approval and get you a second date? I need you to re-discover yourself, and I need you to embrace who you are...flaws and all. Watch those shows. Go to those conventions. Collect those baseball cards. Wear that Superman t-shirt. Do what brings you joy. Do what makes you happy.
4. Be Social — When you are doing things that make you
happy, you are going to want to hang out with people who are also doing those
things. In a hero’s journey (and yes, I am still talking in terms of Superman), the hero is almost never alone. He has friends. He
has fellow warriors. He has allies. In your journey to visibility, I need you to get out of the damn house. Once
I started really embracing my nerdiness, I wanted to hang out with other folks
who loved the same thing that I did. No matter what you’re into, there are other folks who are into that too. The way to build that strong, unshakeable social network is by being a true
friend to those who have earned it. As you move through this journey, there
will be enemies as well as allies. A hero is slow to trust, but ever
watchful for those who have earned it by their actions. Don’t be afraid to go outside, it’s beautiful out there. Get out and about, and join the rest of us.
5. Just BE — We are not human doings, we are human
beings. We need to learn how to just be. As my journey continued, I got pretty tired. I was going out, making
new friends, going to conventions, discovering new things and just generally
running from here to there and back again. I soon realized that I needed a break. I needed to find balance between my social
life and my need for solitude and quiet. I learned how to say “no” and tried to
say it just as much as I said “yes”. I learned to pray. I rediscovered my
love of nature and taking long walks to just decompress, and I need you to do the same thing. I need you to occasionally find time for yourself. Lay on the couch, take a
nap, read a good book, read a good book to your kids. Discover and learn or rediscover a way to connect to God. Take a deep breath, and just be. These are the five steps toward visibility, toward a successful dating life
for us men over 40.
You are visible again: One of the final parts of the journey is called The Resurrection. For
there to be a Resurrection, one must die a figurative death. Back to the movie The Invisible Man, Dr. Griffith is on his deathbed, a fatal shot drains his life
away. As he slowly dies, he begins to become visible. The bones, the muscles,
the tendons, the veins, the skin, the man. As he dies, he is visible again. For you to become fully visible, a part of you must die. My best friend Jennifer would always tell me, no matter how right she was and how much I didn't want to listen to her: "You must let go of your demands and your impatience. Getting angry because
you didn’t get what you want, or getting sad because things are moving too slow
are the ways of a child. The world does not bend to your command. The world
keeps turning regardless of your petulance. You must become a man who is
patient." The partner of your dreams will not come knock on your
door and present herself to you, so you must journey out to find her. Become a man
who has friends and make sure that they are proud to call you their friend.
With all death there is a final breath, and you must learn to focus on
yours. Learn to enjoy the stillness and quiet that solitude may bring. Calm
down. Take a deep breath. Relax. Remember that you are cradled in the arms of a God that loves you, so just be. Should these steps prove to be too difficult,
that’s okay. A man has got to know his limitations...
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