Marriage Advice From A Divorced Man

Historically, marriage proved itself to be a powerful financial arrangement, which allowed two families to bind their influence and resources together. It meant proliferation through the creation of a new generation to carry on the family name. While there’s a secular component to it that still remains, marriage looks a lot different today than it used to. In modern Western society, we have transformed our definition over time to include the tradition of marrying for love. When we get married, we commit ourselves to the idea that we are going to spend the rest of our natural lives with the one person whom we believe was created just for us – not simply to fulfill a higher purpose, but to love us all the days of our lives. At least, that’s how it begins. I’ve already been to a number of weddings for friends and family members who have made their choice of partner in life. I’ve also weathered a messy divorce and have witnessed countless other friends and family members call it quits on the most important decision of their lives.

People seem to be divided on the topic of divorce. There’s the religious perspective, which sometimes treats divorce as a taboo, or in some cases perhaps a sin. Then there is the societal view of divorce, where we have celebrities changing around their marital status on a monthly basis, seemingly suggesting that divorce is normal and “no big deal”. Regardless of your personal views, it happens a lot, especially in America. Sometimes its because of spousal abuse, and divorce appears to be the only way out. At other times, couples propose divorce over trivial reasons, which have nothing to do with the “biggies” like money or infidelity. Now, I’m not married at this point of my life, and there are no real guarantees. I’m not even sure that I ever will be again, but I realize that everything I say here may be taken with a “you’re one to talk” type attitude, which is really fine, however, I do feel that having an outsider’s perspective can shine a light on a rut that you may have been having in your life if for no other reason than it is possible to be too far in a forest to see the trees.

I’ve known a friend for a number of years who married very late in life to a woman he long considered to be his soul mate – until he was served papers only five months in. For him, this resulted in losing two years of his life to depression and distraction, costing him steady employment, his progress in his degree, a boat load of friendships, and ultimately his peace of mind. When he recalls the ways that she had tried to cut him down during (and after) their marriage, he amazingly is able to do so without a trace of anger. “You have to realize something,” he said to me one day when I asked how he had managed to avoid hating her. “No one wakes up one day and decides that they’re going to hurt you. These things take time. It’s always a little here, or a mistake over there. They’re insidious”. For a number of years, this piece of wisdom has stuck with me. The more experience I gained, the more I realize he’s right. When it comes to affairs of the heart, one is not suddenly struck with the inspiration to turn into a bastard, for lack of a better word. While I’m sure that it’s happened before, divorces by and large don’t happen overnight. Rather, like the breakdown of my friend's marriage, little things pile up over time until one or both partners can no longer stand under its burgeoning weight.

I think that one of the biggest mistakes that we can make about others is that assuming that once we have reached some milestone or plateau, we can breathe a sigh of relief. While it’s true that there is an amazingly beautiful comfort in being able to call someone your own, or to be somebody’s “baby”, we should not treat this as some sort of license to get lazy. If you complimented her complexion when you were dating, have you stopped now? When was the last time you held her hand and kissed her on the cheek?  Does she pour herself into a home-cooked meal for the two of you without so much as a “thank you” of appreciation? Maybe instead of making her file your keys and wallet into the vortex that undoubtedly is her purse, you offer to carry her bag for her so that she can feel unburdened when the two of you are shopping. All of these things may seem ridiculously small and common sense, but remember, what reason is there really to stop being a gentleman to your wife? What reason is there to ever stop being polite? This woman, the one who wears your ring, this is the woman whom you chose out of the billions and billions of people who occupy this planet. One day, you got down on bended knee and told this woman that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her (not to look pretty next to you or to give you a built-in buddy to drag to sporting events, but to hold on to your hand through the valleys of shadows and death). You once told her that no matter what life throws your way, you couldn’t imagine facing any of it without her by your side. This is the woman who has birthed your children, or perhaps the woman you have entrusted the musings of your future children to. If you were to die in some freak accident, this is the one gal in the world that you trust in your heart to raise those precious little tykes best. If ever she could not walk, you would carry her? If someone were to hurt her, you would protect her at your own detriment? If tears were to fall from her eyes, you would act like a goof and stand on your head if you knew she would crack a smile?  Why?  This is the woman you love, right?  In your heart of hearts, you really don’t want to see her hurt.

Life is stressful, and I get irritated when I hear people making excuses like, “I’m just unemployed, I’ll be better when I get a job” or “I would be a lot happier if I had more money and less debt”. Hell, wouldn’t we all? The point though (which is something that I myself struggle to keep into perspective), is that while it might be the job today, it will be the kids tomorrow, and it will be your mother’s failing health the day after that, and your car won’t start the day after that. It’s always something. This is why regardless of our circumstances, we must always strive to be sweet to one another. If we aren’t committed to keeping our manners when things aren’t going our way (which they’re not always going to go your way in a marriage), then what prevents us from using every situation in our lives as one long string of excuses to be mean?

This is why I am an advocate of the small, simple things – like compliments, gestures, sweet-nothings, winks, kisses, and hand holding. As a child, I saw my parents do these things for one another. Because of this, my childhood memories are filled with what I saw, but unfortunately I couldn't do it as an adult. Now that I'm older, I’m beginning to see much of the opposite in the marriages of some of my peers: “Where did you learn how to drive?” or “I hate your mother” or “Do you really think that you need that piece of cake?” It’s much more difficult to hurt the feelings of others when we stay committed to the idea of fostering sweet emotions towards them. Now, I’m not saying that you should vacillate to the other side of the spectrum and decide that you’re going to let your partner use you like a doormat for fear of ever causing them offense. What I am saying is that if you really don’t want your wife to sit alone in the bathroom while you’re at work and cry in front of the mirror wondering why you’ve fallen out of love with her, take the tiny moments within each day to give her your attention. As a man, you cannot measure what a few seconds of affection mean to a woman. Use your words and your actions as things you never want her to forget, instead of things that you wish she would forget.

Here’s a tip, if you want your woman to look as radiant as she did on the day you were married, you don’t need to take out stock in Jimmy Choo, Michael Kors and Kate Spade. She wasn’t glowing because of some expensive pair of pumps and matching handbag (well, at least not in front of you). She was glowing because she couldn’t believe she was getting the chance to watch the rest of her days unfold with the man of her dreams. Preserve her beauty with kindness, and give her today as a gift. Some observations from a divorced man, that's all...

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