No one enjoys being lied to, which is why singles rank “honesty” as one of
the most important traits they look for in a partner. But when it comes to
telling ourselves the truth, we don’t always hold to the same standard.
Sometimes we fudge a little. Sometimes, in fact, we tell ourselves blatant
lies. Far from innocent and harmless, these self-deceptions can keep us from
finding great relationships. Here are five of the most common lies we tell
ourselves about dating:
1. “Love is for everyone except me.” Even if you don’t
actually say these words to yourself, they may form the basis of a nameless,
nagging fear. Either way, the feeling of being destined to forever stand on the
outside of love looking in is common. Instead of telling yourself this lie,
stop blurring the line between fact and fear. The lack of a significant other
in your life currently may be a fact, but projecting that reality dismally into
the future is all about fear. It can also become a self-fulfilling prediction,
keeping you from exploring new relationships.
2. “I don’t really deserve more.” This lie
can prevent you from taking the risk of exploring a new relationship or keep
you stuck in a lousy one. Those who believe this lie may find themselves
putting up with disrespect or even abuse. It’s counter-intuitive to expect
someone to love you well when you don’t expect it yourself. If you believe this
about yourself, consider talking with a professional counselor about the events
or relationships in your life that led you to embrace this falsehood in the
first place.
3. “I know this relationship isn’t great, but it’s better than being
alone.” People convince themselves there’s no downside to staying with
the wrong person until the right one comes along, but the risks are actually
huge. There’s the risk of becoming so comfortable with the wrong person that
you stay in a mediocre dating relationship, which could lead to a mediocre
marriage. There’s also the risk that, being preoccupied with a mismatch, you’ll
miss out on the right match.
4. “It has to look like ‘love at first sight.’” When you
take the time to evaluate what you want in a partner and identify what matters
most, you’re prepared to make decisions faster. You can more quickly recognize
people who have “partner potential.” You can also acknowledge when it’s best to
move on. But many people don’t take the time to get to know themselves or
identify the essential qualities they need in a partner. These folks often come
to a first date with selection criteria based on distortions, and they make
important decisions based on the delusion of “immediate chemistry.” If sparks
don’t fly right away, they might pass on a great person without giving
chemistry a chance to develop. Or they may pursue the relationship based on
chemistry when other vital qualities are missing.
5. “If I ignore this red flag, it’ll go away or change.”
Sure, and that grinding noise coming from your car will also disappear if you
pretend it’s not there. Unfortunately not. If you have nagging concerns about
someone you’re dating, ignoring them only delays the inevitable. Convincing
yourself otherwise is a sure path to disappointment and even heartache. You
might end up wasting months and even years with the wrong person, missing out
on better prospects in the process.
Recognizing and rejecting lies is a critical step in wise dating. By telling
yourself the truth, you’ll be equipped and empowered to find a loving
relationship...
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