Should exes ever get back together? The vast majority of them shouldn’t, but the rule of “what broke you up the first time will break you up
again” is far from being the truth. While the black and white rule of “getting
back with your ex is never a good idea” is a sexy concept, it’s simply not true
in real life. Here are five reasons why you shouldn’t – and five reasons why
you should – get back with your ex.
Five Reasons You Shouldn’t Get Back With Your Ex
1. They were the best thing in your life - Were they the best thing in your life? Maybe they were, but that’s
generally more of a sign that you want to improve the things in your life. While
a romantic partner can be your favorite person in the world, they shouldn’t be
your favorite anything.
2. Trying to find someone new isn’t going well - Dating can suck, and the few flings that followed your ex might all
seem like laughably poor options compared to your past relationship, but that
still doesn’t mean much. Just like the process of finding a new job after
quitting or being fired from your last job isn’t fun, those are necessary growing
pains in order for you to find something you’re excited about again. Besides,
if you feel like going back to your ex because it seems like an easy option,
remember that nobody wants to be the person you settled for. It’s better to be
temporarily alone and hurting in order to find your ideal partner later on,
than it is to keep yourself stuck in the same old relationship that has no potential.
3. You want to prove that you can - Maybe they broke your heart, and your self-esteem took a huge hit. If
you find yourself wanting to get back with them just to see if you are able to,
this a recipe for disaster. Do you want to see if you are still worthy of them
and their attention? Do you find yourself telling your friends that you think
you can still “win” their heart? When someone wants to walk out of your life,
have enough self-respect to hold the door open for them. Stop giving them real
estate in your thoughts and cut them from your life.
4. When your gut knows you shouldn’t - When your gut, your heart, your intuition is screaming at you “WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?” You can’t logic your way into a relationship. You have to feel
genuinely compelled, not cornered into it. Don’t ever date someone because your
friends think they they’re good for you, or they’re wealthy, or everyone you
know thinks that they’re absolutely gorgeous. The only thing that matters is
how you and your heart responds to them. Everything else is just noise.
5. They were awful to you, or awful for you - Were they awful to you? Were they emotionally, verbally or
physically abusive? Did they belittle you and make you think you were unlovable
to anyone but them? Were they awful for you? Did they encourage the sides of
yourself that you didn’t like? Did you find yourself engaging in
self-destructive behavior like drinking, drugs or partying more often than you
would have liked? Did they discourage the sides of yourself that you wanted to
flourish? If you didn’t like the version of yourself that you were when you
were around them, you need to steer clear. The relationship has run its course and you
deserve better than what you experienced.
So you’ve read through all
five points on why you shouldn’t get back with your ex, and you genuinely feel
like none of them apply to you? See if you can confirm your beliefs about your
compatibility and make note of whether or not the following five steps resonate
with you.
Five Reasons You Should Get Back With Your Ex
1. When you learn from your time apart - If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what
you’ve always gotten. If you enter into a repeat relationship with your ex and there’s
no difference in the behavior of either of you, then you’re doomed. On the
other hand, if you both genuinely learned about your communication styles,
triggers and emotional patterns in your time apart, then you might be much
better set up for a healthier round two.
2. When you are both willing to put in the work to do things differently - Did you always fight fair when you dated your ex? Did you voice
your needs when they came up or did you bury them? Whatever the old pattern or
behavior that you’re trying to correct, it takes intentionality from both sides
to make a relationship run smoothly. Are you “kind of hoping” that things will
work out better this time around, or are you being purposeful about how you
show up in your relationship?
3. Your life wasn’t going well and they were the easiest thing to push away - If your life wasn’t going well, and they were just an easy thing to
push away, you may have made a rash decision. If you realized this mistake
after it happened and you communicated to your ex what you did, then you may
have a shot at a second chance with them. Trust builds slowly, but it can also be
damaged quickly. Don’t expect your ex to welcome you instantly with open arms.
It will take some time for them to fully trust you again, but if you know that
they’re the one for you then it will be worth it to sacrifice your ego for the
greater good.
4. Your collective life goals have grown even more similar in your time
apart - Did you break up because you were incompatible in things important
to you? You wanted children and they didn’t? You wanted to live in the city and
they wanted to live in the suburbs? Well, what happens if those things change
with time? If you and your ex broke up years ago, it’s completely possible that
both of your long-term goals and ambitions have shifted. If you got along well,
you were deeply in love, and your once incompatible differences are now
aligned, then by all means, give the relationship another shot.
5. You feared the depth of your connection and you ran away - Maybe when you and your ex were dating you felt such an
overwhelming feeling of love for them that it was too much for you to take in. This
kind of behavior is especially common for people with commitment issues,
rejection sensitivity, or old abandonment wounds that were never fully healed.
A deep feeling of love can cause anyone a real feeling of anxiety, regardless
of past emotional trauma or relationship hang-ups. If you pushed your partner
away from a place of fear or anxiety, you may still be just as compatible as a
couple as you ever were. As with point #3, you’ll have to communicate to them
what you realized you did, and see if you can earn their trust back over time.
Have you ever known a couple
(or been a part of a couple) that broke up and got back together repeatedly for
months, or even years? Generally this is a sign that the couple can’t accept
their fate. They are grasping for straws and holding on to a projection of what
they had hoped the relationship could be, but in reality never was. I interviewed quite a few
highly successful long-term marriages, and every single one of them said that
their relationship trajectory was “easy”. It wasn’t tumultuous and filled with
half a dozen breakups. Their path to marriage was fairly straightforward and
simple. Does this mean that a couple can’t bounce back from a breakup?
No, you absolutely can have a successful relationship after a rocky start, but
it takes two self-aware and intentional people to make it work. So be honest
about why you’re getting back together. See the relationship for what it is,
not for what it could be...
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