The Problem With Choosing

Love and relationships are not easy things. Love may be a feeling, but it is also a verb. It is reflected in how we treat someone, how we act towards them, and how we view ourselves when we are with them. These things, we all choose. And we have to make the right choices, at least most of the time, if we want a relationship to work.

While all of this is important to understand and to work on every day, I also believe there are some things seemingly more controlled by our subconscious. Feelings we cannot quite explain, nor feelings we choose. For example: What is your favorite color? What is your favorite genre of music? Why is that your favorite color or genre? Some, you just like more than others without having to think about it.

I had a very interesting conversation with a woman who is much more mature than I was at her age. She wanted my opinion on a theory that she has had for a long time now, and since I am older than her, she wanted to know if I thought it would change as she got older too. The theory, both intelligent and concise, is as follows:

If you are having trouble choosing between two people, then neither of them is right for you.

I admit this statement made me pause for a second before I could say whether or not I agreed with it. I imagined myself in the position where I had feelings for two women at the same time, and having to choose which of them I wanted to be with. In doing that, I understood my position on the topic: You should never have to choose. Why? Because when you know, when you really know you want to be with someone, you have no interest in talking to or spending time with anyone else. For me, if I was interested in someone after a few dates, everything changed. I didn’t text anyone else, talk to anyone else, or see anyone else. The desire simply wasn’t there.

It wasn’t something I chose. Ultimately, I didn’t choose to be with her over someone else. I didn’t choose to fall in love with her. I do choose everyday, the things I mentioned earlier in the blog, and the one I referenced in the beginning. But love, I did not choose. So, why should you never choose your significant other? Because if you aren’t sure enough to be interested in them in the first place, they probably aren't the right one for you.

Relationships are not about checking items off of a list. They are not about an arbitrary test score or seeing how someone matches up to some list a blogger put together on the internet (clears throat), even me… Yes, these concepts can help you determine whether or not someone may be a good person or a good match for you, but relationships are not just about logic or reason. In fact, they are seldom about that at all.

Without that spark between you, that chemistry, that ‘it factor’ or whatever you want to call it, then there is no point in attempting to fit a square peg in a round hole. It just won’t work in the long run, and the thing about spark is you don’t choose to feel it. It just happens, and it happens usually when you least expect it. That is what makes it so beautiful…

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No More Giving It Away To The Wrong People

Take a moment to reflect on the society that we are living in. To me, it has become a society of participation trophies: awards for just showing up. A society of some high school football teams who have stopped keeping scores at games, so nobody’s feelings get hurt. A society of endless internet memes that proclaim that everyone deserves love and is perfect just the way they are. Whose love is it they are deserving of? It has to come from somewhere, and that somewhere is you and me.

Do you feel that everyone is deserving of the love that you can give?

Now, this may not be the warm and fuzzy feel of a blog you are used to from me, but sometimes warm, fuzzy and unconditional reinforcement isn’t good if you’re reinforcing the wrong thing. The issue with a society that teaches everyone is perfect the way they are is that it encourages no improvement or change. No standards. No willingness to move forward because the current scenario is just fine, right? Wrong…

Some people lie. Some people cheat. Some people abuse. Some people mistreat you or others around you. And if we don’t stand up and tell them what they’re doing is wrong, they will never change. It’s like a dog who misbehaves and we continue to reward them with treats, expecting that someday they will understand their actions are unacceptable. It doesn’t work that way. The ones who work to become better are deserving of your love. The ones who will do everything for you, and expect nothing from you in return. The ones who will care for you as if you were an extension of themselves. The ones who compromise, sacrifice, and fight for you. Those are the people who deserve your love.

I know there will inevitably be people who talk about psychological issues and things people can’t control. I know some out there had bad childhoods or traumatic experiences that affected the person they are, and that does not mean they are undeserving of love, but the expectations should be set that in order to actually receive this love they deserve (from you), they need to work to change and improve. Stop giving your time, your body, and most of all your heart, to people who haven’t earned it. Raise the standards you have for yourself and those around you. Raise your standards for what you expect out of people in order to allow them into your life.

Give everyone a chance to earn what you have to give, but don’t give it away freely, or eventually you will have nothing left…

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Knowing When Forever Isn't Really Forever

I met a girl once. She changed my life. Whether it was changed for better or for worse is still to be decided, but I won’t be able to decide that until the last domino falls. We split up years ago, but not until recently did I have to accept that it was actually over. I held on to the idea that one day we would find each other and finally be ready to make it work, start our lives together and be happy. Although it never got off the ground, we went our separate ways but I never completely let go. It took some time for me to realize how much she meant to me, and how much she changed my life.

Most recently, I experienced another sharp change to my reality. I was under the impression I would love this woman forever, and that our lives would forever be intertwined. Although that may possibly have been the case, I now realize I can’t allow it. I can’t let myself love her forever because it will destroy me. We have two sets of realities that we must deal with. We have (1) the world outside of us, and we have (2) the reality within us. It’s possible to love someone your entire life without ever ending up together. It’s possible for the reality that you’ve created inside your head, and the love that you feel, to coexist with a physical reality that greatly differs. You can love someone forever without ever having that love returned. When you conclude this is the destiny awaiting you, you have to force yourself in a different direction, and force a shift in your reality. Could I love her forever? Yes. Will we be together, ever? No. Sometimes “forever” isn’t really forever.

Loving is a decision, and so is not loving. Your world, your reality, is composed of your thoughts and emotions. The two are closely related, but differ. Our thoughts consist of our beliefs, ideas, dreams and wishes. What we want out of life and how we want to spend the little time we have, all makes us the individuals we are. Our thoughts are what trigger our emotions. We think and feel or perceive, then think and feel. It all starts with what we allow our minds to focus on. When you realize that the forever you had in mind isn’t a possibility, you need to change your way of thinking. Some people find a way to hate the person they loved, but unfortunately, not all of us have that luxury. Sometimes you can’t hate him or her because there is nothing to hate, other than the fact that he or she doesn’t love you. It’s difficult to hate someone for not doing something, but nevertheless, you don’t have to change the way you think so much as what or whom you think about. This is why people like distractions so much. However, most of what we believe to be a distraction ends up doing more harm than good. If you don’t want to think about the “forever” that you just lost then catch yourself every time that you do, and think about something else. Sounds easy, right? Yeah…

The deeper the love, the more difficult and painful it will be to break yourself free of it. I’ve been in and out of love for decades, so I likely have a lot more work to do than most of you, but if I could manage to make it through this, so can you. In any case, the more you love this individual, the more difficult it will be to move on with your life. You don’t know agony until you’ve seen your “forever” die in front of your eyes. It isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a suffering that takes over your entire reality, time and time again, before burrowing back into the depths of your soul while it waits for a trigger to call it forth once more. It’s going to be difficult, and there’s no sugarcoating it. The deeper the love, the more focus will be required to make that shift in reality that you need to make. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot. But as someone once told me: There is beauty in all that we experience in life, both the good and the bad. The only way to live happily is to see all the shades of beauty for what they are and embrace them as your own.

Take control of your life, or risk it taking you down a dark path. This is your life. It’s a reality that exists in your mind and your mind alone. No one else can alter it for you. You have to take charge and make things happen for yourself. Making such a change in our realities is incredibly difficult, especially when it comes to love. Love has a way of changing our reality as a whole, making us understand and perceive things differently. But there is one thing that I will say, no matter how much it tears me up inside to see how things have played out, I wouldn’t change my past. I will never wish I hadn’t fallen for her because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her. It’s actually sort of funny if you think about it; she helped create a person she has no future with, but I do have a great future ahead of me, and so do you if you allow yourself to. You can’t let the pain and agony keep you down. Believe me when I tell you, it will do its best to drag you through the mud and bury you alive. We’re stronger than that. This is a fight each of us is capable of winning. The key is to put up a fight. I know how enticing it can be to allow the pain you feel to carry you away. It makes us feel alive. It makes us feel real.

Life is but a boundless possibility. You can crawl into a hole and hope that the world ends, or you can decide to live. You can cry, scream, and punish yourself, or you can force another reality upon yourself. You have the strength and the ability to do so. You just need to decide to do so, every minute of every day, until your world changes without you even realizing it…

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You Might Be Single Because...

A lot of people shudder at the thought of going on vacation alone or having to do anything without companionship. There’s a host of things that people want to do but they don’t do simply because they feel they can’t do them without the presence of another individual. After having this conversation with a friend of mine during a regular Facebook chat last week about a friend of hers, I determined the simple answer to why people are alone is because they can’t be alone. Let me explain...

Imagine you’re going on vacation, and you want to go to an exotic beach in a far away distant place, but you have pause for concern because you know that you’ll be going alone. You’re not wanting to spend a week on the beach in Jamaica alone. Heck, let’s scrap the beach and imagine that you’re going to Paris, one of THE most romantic cities on Earth, but you don’t want to go alone. What ends up happening is you put off these great adventures until you have a significant other to travel with you. To be honest, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it also might be the reason why you’re still single. Keep walking with me, I'm headed somewhere...

What I find to be true very often is that people who are single, are single because they aren’t ready to be in a relationship until they figure out how to be single. Relationships are not about dependency but more about interdependency, which is very different. There are people whose relationship defines who they are as a person, and they need it to exist. They need to be in a relationship to feel motivated to do anything in their life. They can’t even make it to the grocery store alone because they feel empty without a companion. I know this feeling because I’ve been there before.

I had to change that behavior because it was putting me in a horrible place in my singleness. I would get in ruts that I could not get out of. When I was in a relationship, and I depended on another person in the wrong way, it was impossible for me to stand alone. The inability to stand alone makes you unattractive when you’re single, because it’s going to come across as needy. Earlier in the post I talked about a friend of a friend who is single only because she doesn’t know how to be single and happy.

When people find ways to be alone, they begin to find themselves. They begin to show all the beautiful things about themselves that are hidden when you are living to conform to someone else’s liking. That is what you'll need if you intend on finding a mate. I’ve never been attracted to anyone who I felt like was just a mirror of myself. I needed to see the person as an individual who was separate from me, but I appreciated being with. That’s my recommendation, be a person that someone wants to be with and choose as a companion. What you can’t do is be a person that needs the other person to tell them how to be. It just won’t work.

This means you’re going to have to get used to being alone. You’re going to have to build courage to do things on your own. You’ll have to stop being lonely to stop being alone. If that doesn’t make sense to you, then I’m not sure your single status will ever change...

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Rules For Men Dating In Their 40's

For lots of reasons, guys sometimes find themselves alone in their 40’s and 50’s. Whether it’s because they immersed themselves in their careers during their prime years and never paid attention to their intimacy needs, because they’re divorced or widowed after a long marriage, or for some other reason, they’re looking for ways to connect after being out of the dating game for a long time. They have the free time now, and feel ready. But they don’t know where to begin. They’re not used to talking to strangers, or they don’t know how to relate to women. What’s worse, they’re often unfamiliar with all the different ways people stay in touch with each other these days. They don’t use texting and they’re rarely online.

It’s easy to get discouraged. But it is never, ever too late to find love, for men in their 40’s and 50’s, the digital revolution means people have changed their modes of communication somewhat, but people themselves haven’t changed. If you start slowly and gradually add more dating activities to your life, you’ll discover that dating isn’t really all that different from the way it was when you were in your 20’s. If you never had that opportunity, for whatever reason, that’s even better. You now have the opportunity to experience women as you never have before. The good news is that there are very few rules anymore about who you can date. Women of all ages, races and cultural backgrounds are available now in a way that they weren’t 30 years ago. As long as you show respect, curiosity and genuine interest in a woman as a person, doors will open wide for you. Here are five key ways older men can find more of what they want when they start dating:

1. Get over your divorce first. Resolving pain and attachments from previous relationships is key before you even begin. If you’re still in love with your ex-wife; if you’re enmeshed in a power struggle with her over the house and kids; if you’re still mourning the loss of your spouse, or have any lingering anger towards her, if your pain is finding expression in cynicism or bitterness, stop. You owe it to yourself, and to the women you meet, to resolve whatever it is that keeps you in pain. Getting a piece of arm candy to “show off” to your ex, sleeping with a bunch of women in revenge for her cheating; or dating someone because she reminds you of your dearly departed are all setups for failure. They may feel good in the moment, but they will set you back if the issues fueling them are not dealt with. The sooner you deal with it, the better.

2. Know what you want. I meet a lot of older men who crave a full love life. The kids have grown up and left the house, the wife is gone, maybe for quite some time now, and they’re finally able to create whatever kind of relationship they want. The problem is in the absence of family, they’re not sure what they want; sex, intimacy, or relationships. There is nothing wrong with not knowing what you want, but be honest with yourself, and make it your mission to find out what it is you want. Working with a coach or support group can help you answer this question if you’re not sure. Aside from the main benefit of helping you go after what you want with clarity, knowing what you want will also make you inherently more attractive as a man.

3. Own your age and be proud of it. As an inhabitant of this planet for four, five, or six decades or more, you’ve seen and done things that many other men haven’t. This means several things for you: on one level, it means keeping expectations realistic. I’ve seen men succeed at intimacy goals that initially seemed pretty far-fetched, so I’m confident in saying that, whatever your goals are, you can accomplish them, but you will be doing so as a man who isn’t 20-something anymore. This insight should inform everything about you, from the way you dress, to where you spend your time, to who you’re spending that time with. If you feel as though your time on this earth has been wasted, talk with someone about it. An inventory of things you’ve accomplished will bring your age, experience, and value into sharp focus. Play to those strengths.

4. Develop your social circle. As single men age, it’s increasingly important to develop social networks, independent of any romantic involvements. You might find the love of your life within your extended social network, but your social life should stand alone, not be something you dial up or down depending on whether there’s a woman in your life. Unfortunately, mid-life is the time when many single men are prone to do the exact opposite: hibernate at home, lay on the couch in front of the TV, not participate in the world. Resist that impulse. It’s not enough to nurture your existing social network. You need to develop new relationships that parallel your changing interests.

5. Get into the best physical shape you can. Like #2, this has two effects: it simultaneously makes you more confident and more attractive, to say nothing of reaping important health benefits. After age 40, most men lose about a pound of muscle mass every year. Regular exercise slows that process down. Incorporate yoga or Pilates into your strength-training routine. Your body needs a combination of strength and flexibility. Feeling good about your body brings with it a glow and an authentic confidence almost impossible to overstate. A fit body also sends the message to everyone around you that you’re a man who understands his body’s needs, abilities and limitations.

These five steps are only a start to build the kinds of relationships you want. By beginning with where you are and taking small steps toward your goal, you’ll eventually create what you’re looking for. Let go of past attachments, know your value, develop your social circle, get into shape and take small, consistent, regular actions. You’ll feel good about yourself, and the women in your life will feel good too. You're welcome…

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The Lost Art of Flirting

Whatever happened to flirting? When was the last time we unabashedly indulged in an awesomely enticing flirting session with a supremely-talented flirting partner? Oh, you know what I’m talking about: the wonderful, electrifying, quick-witted, rapid-fire, playful, back-and-forth that happens between two entities exploring their budding attraction toward each other? It can exist in something as subtle as the exchanging of an understated but seductive glance between two fluttering eyelids. It can reside in cutting conversational words and rapid-fire responses. It’s that nerve-racking, improvisational exercise that recklessly takes us for a dangerously thrilling joyride in a hot and fast car with no seat belt to keep us safe.

Flirting is liberating, playful, frustratingly intriguing, palpably exciting, and oh-so-fun (whatever happened to FUN?). It’s the necessary warm up, the preamble to sexual exploration; it’s the seductive pull of the heartstrings, the foreplay to foreplay, the test drive that ensures our chemistry is cohesive. It’s what makes the single life heatedly teeming with endless excitement, for we spend our workdays wondering which sexy soul we will sinfully flirt with once night falls. So why the hell is no one doing it anymore? It seems to me that flirting has become an endangered art form. It’s an occurrence so rare, most of us have forgotten how to even do it. We are clueless, and we are hungry for it at the same time.

So, what’s the problem? Did the hook-up culture kill the art of flirting? Is the modern world so instantaneous, so mindlessly easy, that flirting has become too hard? Has it become too much work for our spoiled and over-indulged little selves? If it’s not downloadable, if there’s no free “app” for it, we can’t figure it out. Even when we try to flirt, it seems no one can keep their noses out of their smart phones long enough to seductively lock eyes with us for even a second. Flirting begins in eye contact; and without the meeting of the eyes, there is no absolutely no chance to flirt. The real tricky part is this: Flirting is a muscle, like anything else. If we don’t take it to the gym and exercise it regularly, our flirting physique will rapidly deteriorate. So to put it lightly, we’re so out of shape, it isn’t even funny anymore. Has our Tinder addiction, incessant social media abuse, and hankering for food delivery apps stamped out the fine art of the flirt? Has the willingness of the masses to “put out” so quickly and so easily made flirting shed too much blood, sweat and tears for the quick-fix Millennial? Is our culture the reason dating is no longer satisfying?

Where there is no game, there is no winning. Flirting is a wonderfully tantalizing and sheepishly innocent game that teases us with what’s to come. It’s the sexy little taste we experience before attaining the full-fledged PRIZE. Herein lies the conundrum of the instant hook-up culture: If you don’t dabble in a little playful banter, if you don’t dare to FLIRT, if you dive in headfirst, then scoring the goal feels dirty and cheap. It’s like we cheated on our own team in the game against ourselves. It’s much more gratifying to work for a relationship. Think of it like this: It’s impossible to WIN if you haven’t even begun to play the game.

Where there is no challenge, there is no charm. Let’s get real, we are human beings and we LOVE a challenge; it wildly turns us on. A challenge is stimulating, and sexuality is all about stimulation. Before we can be stimulated in the bedroom, we need to be stimulated with our brains. Nothing will lubricate the mind like being put to the test with thought-provoking questions and razor-sharp wit. When a good conversation lovingly plays with our otherwise numbed-out brains, our interest is piqued. When our interest is piqued, we are charmed. When you challenge us, we are suddenly awakened. When you leave us flummoxed and stumbling for words, you are spicing up our day with a well-needed sprinkling of nerves. I can’t speak for every man, but being made nervous is refreshingly sexy. It leaves us with thoughts of you lingering in our brains long after you leave.

Where there is no chase, there is no reward. Oh the healthy chase should never be confused with the unhealthy chase (treating us like garbage, never calling us back), that unhealthy stuff is NOT cute. What we mean is this: If we get our hands on something (you) too easily and too quickly, the reward doesn’t feel special or sacred. Don’t hand it to us just because we want it, flirt with us first. Make us work for it, because the things we worked the hardest for are the things we value the most.

Where there is no conversation, there is no connection. I believe we have two ways in which to connect: through the bending of our bodies and the bending of our brains. However, when we connect through words first, the sex is so much more powerful. Trust is built through conversation. When we trust whom we’re having sex with, it’s so much better. We can read each others bodies with far more clarity; we’re less self-conscious and are able to plunge into all those positively subversive sexual risks when trust is present.

Where there is no banter, there is no chemistry. If you don’t have chemistry, you don’t have anything. Chemistry is that special ingredient that separates friends from lovers. How do we know if we have chemistry with another human being if we don’t talk to him or her first? If we don’t have that tongue-in-cheek witty banter with our partners, how could we ever have enjoyable sex or long term relations with them? How do we know if that vital ingredient of chemistry is there, when we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to flirt first? Flirting might seem like it’s hard work, but in the long run, it saves you from a lot of time wasted having sex with someone you’re not compatible with.

Where there is no back and forth, there is no movement. On the behalf of men everywhere, allow me for a moment to challenge you. Move us! Not literally (at least not yet), but move our minds. Make us think. Ask us questions. Tempt us with a taste of your fresh perspective and bold opinions. There is too much sleepy stillness in the universe, shake up our worlds, otherwise there is no point.

Where there is no laughter, there is no lust. There is no greater turn on in the entire world than laughing. Laughing on its own feels so good, it’s almost sexual in and of itself. Mix laughter with inherent physical attraction, and we are in the throes of an irrepressible lust. Flirting is about making us laugh. Making us forget about our high anxiety, endless work meetings, and sky-high ambitions. We lose ourselves in laughter, like we lose ourselves in love. 

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Rebounds: Mr./Ms. Right vs. Mr./Ms. Right Now

In my experience, people don’t just get one rebound. In fact, the last 10 years of my life were basically filled with rebounds. Rebounds and “friends with benefits.” I’m not going to lie, it was a fun few years. The problem with rebounds is they aren’t meant to last. They’re meant to keep you occupied for a while, but then you’re meant to part ways and to live separate lives. Rebounds can be both helpful and harmful, depending on the mindset with which one enters such an arrangement. The goal, as far as I understand it, is to eventually find a partner to spend your life with. Rebounds are really only band-aids, helping you cope with the pain of your last breakup. They’re meant to fail. Their value lies entirely in their function as a distraction from reality; they’re meant to help you forget that you still have a broken heart.

The issue is that your heart will remain broken because rebounds aren’t meant to put you back together; they’re simply meant to hold you in place so that you don’t fall apart. Sooner or later, you’re going to arrive at the conclusion that this sort of relationship just isn’t enough. You’re going to need more, and hence we arrive at the issue and the topic of this blog:

It’s sometimes difficult to tell whether the person you are dating is just another rebound or whether he or she’s the real thing. You have to understand that, even when you want to start dating someone seriously, there’s always a chance it will end up being nothing more than a rebound relationship. Personally, I didn’t plan on filling a decade of my life with rebounds. I went into each potential relationship with the hopes of it becoming something serious. Unfortunately, it never worked out. They all just ended being rebounds, ways of forgetting if only for a few hours about the one that got away. There are a few distinct characteristics that are required for the real thing to be the real thing, and not just another rebound. Here are a few markers to look out for:

Rebounds make you happier while they’re around; the real thing has a lasting effect. Rebounds are great because they cheer you up. You’re still working on getting over your last relationship and need that bit of extra support. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. What good are human beings if we can’t support one another when we need it? Sure, support in this case mostly involves sex and not tuning into your emotions, but it does help. And to be honest, it’s usually a good deal for both parties involved. The issue is that as soon as you part ways, you lose that distraction and your mind will likely wander back to your ex. It may not even hurt quite as badly, because you just got laid, but if you were to break things off with the rebound, you wouldn’t miss him or her, you’d miss your ex instead. When it’s the real thing you know it’s the real things because that person makes you happy from the moment you wake up until the moment you get to bed. Real loves make you happy and whenever they’re not around, and you’d genuinely miss them.

Rebounds may care about you, but you will only care about the real thing. This is the darker side of the rebound/friend-with-benefits/booty-call world. Someone usually ends up falling for the other. In my experience it’s usually the woman, and it’s not something to be ashamed of at all (if anything it ought to be applauded) but it can often also be the man. Just because someone is your rebound doesn’t mean that you’re a rebound to that someone. You may be, but it isn’t necessarily the case. I feel like eventually things fall apart in these situations precisely because one person begins to ask for and expect more from the relationship. This is sort of the moment of truth. If someone asks you for more, and you want to give it to him or her, then it might be the real thing. If however you can’t do it, if you know you don’t care enough about the relationship to give it a real shot, then you need to break things off. Otherwise, it’ll get very messy very quickly.

Rebounds are about feeling loved; the real thing is about wanting to love. Every relationship is a rebound of sorts if it doesn’t end in love. You’re either distracting yourself from the pain left from a previous relationship, or distracting yourself from the pain that often is everyday life. The only reason you ought to ever be in a relationship with someone is if you think there is a possibility of the two of you falling for each other. There is no other respectable reason. Rebounds are only meant to be kept until we’re certain they aren’t the real thing. You don’t always know that someone is great for you right from the start. It sometimes takes time, which is understandable, however as soon as you realize that he or she’s just a rebound, cut things off. There’s no reason to lead anyone on, and there’s even less of a reason to distract yourself from your reality indefinitely.

Eventually, the distractions will cease and you’ll be forced to face that reality. Better to do so earlier than later. It minimizes the chances of your reality warping into something real ugly...

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The Lesson in Women Proposing to Men

Blurred gender roles are the norm in today’s day and age. Most of us want equality for both sexes in all facets of life. Ideally this would be the case, but the truth is there will always be some resistance in some cases. For example, we have today’s subject of marriage proposal. Now some of us may feel that a woman proposing to a man would be tacky, and some simply thinking it isn’t right. We’ll explore this today whether it be in this blog or in the comments to follow, but the bottom line is this here lies the same “what’s good for the goose” ideology. If men can propose to women, so should a woman propose to a man.

Will this ever be the "in thing" to do? I’m not sure, but I can give my faithful readers my view on it. Heading to brunch two Sundays ago, I was talking to my boy about this. I told him that serious couples discuss things like marriage and their futures together. To me, if a couple discusses their future together then a woman should feel confident enough to know that one day her man will propose to her. Whether or not a woman is patient enough to wait is another question altogether. Of course another question that arises is how long is too long to wait? I really don’t know. Different people have different levels of patience. My patience threshold is pretty solid. This also depends on circumstance and the personalities involved. I’ve seen people get engaged and married within a calendar year; and stay married. I have also seen couples be married for twenty years and still see it fail. So there’s obviously more than one way to skin a cat. When it comes to proposals, you can argue there is no right or wrong way. I say that in regards to who proposes.

I actually dated a woman a while back who said that she would entertain the idea of proposing to a man. I was shocked to say the least. She was a bit of a go getter. My guess is that maybe more extroverted women are open to proposing to a man. What I did find interesting was a study that I read in Men's Health that said 83% of men won’t wear a “man-gagement” ring. So the majority of us fellas aren’t into this idea basically. Why am I not into it? I’m a forward thinking cat. I believe in being creative and pushing envelopes. I believe in challenging thoughts and the whole shebang, but strangely enough, I’m still a bit of a traditionalist. I think the proposal process is the time for a guy to be supremely romantic. There’s not another day where a woman should imagine being swept off her feet any better. A woman proposing to us robs us of our creativity for such a special moment. That’s just me.

The photo above is a picture I think many of us in our community have seen. There’s actually an Instagram video to go along with it. It was filled with supporters as you can see, but many of us just saw it as left field. I felt slightly uncomfortable watching it. It wasn’t gross in the least, it just seemed so different. The whole idea of a man going down on one knee is to show that humility and vulnerability at least once. The one time to say "hey, I got you.” It’s that woman’s turn to be in this position to really make this guy’s world. As a man, I don’t even know how to receive a woman getting down on one knee for me. I might just pick her up to be completely honest with you. Let me handle the proposal, and you choose the cake for the reception, deal?

What’s your views on female marriage proposals? Are you for or against it, and why?

relationshiplessons.net

When You No Longer Feel Anything

When you’re in a relationship, there’s always that dull, nagging fear that some day it’ll end. Nobody knows how quickly “some day” will arrive, if ever. Sometimes it comes sooner and more unexpectedly than you think, and other times it slowly creeps up on you and envelops you not in anger, or in hatred or in sadness, but in apathy. No, your partner didn’t do anything to anger you or upset you. Your partner didn’t cheat on you, treat you poorly, call you “crazy” or make you feel small. This person didn’t do anything that made you feel negatively toward them or toward the relationship. Instead, they make you feel nothing. You feel indifferent, impassive, dispassionate, and you hate it. You want so badly to feel something, to feel fury, or depression, or dissatisfaction or any real emotion that could justify your need to end the relationship and break the heart of someone you once loved, but there is just absolutely nothing there. Once you start feeling like there’s nothing left for you to give, or like the apathy has truly taken over your entire mind, body and soul, you know the beginning of the end has arrived.

You start to feel guilty. Your partner has no clue what’s happening inside your heart. They don’t notice you behaving negatively, giving attitude or acting in a way that would offer any sort of inkling about how you’re feeling about the relationship. And that’s because you aren’t behaving negatively, giving them attitude or acting in that way yet, you’re simply doing nothing. You’re not showering your partner in affection like you used to. You’re not saying “I love you” as frequently. You’re not offering a quick physical touch. You’re not smiling or laughing with your partner as much. You just exist. You’re just one half of a pair of two people. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less.

The worst part is you don’t know why. You don’t know why you feel so much emptiness, so much nothingness. You can’t help but wonder where the hell this apathy came from. Where did it all go? Your infatuation, your lust, your giddiness, your desire to impress, to please, to take care of, to love? How could everything have just disappeared? And how did it happen so quickly? You don’t want to feel so much nothingness toward someone who once made you feel like anything was possible. You want so badly to feel that love again, to experience that giddiness and wholeness you once felt, but you can’t. You rack your brain and wonder if something happened that made you feel this way. Your partner has been nothing but the nice, caring, compassionate, loving, wonderful person you knew him or her to be when you began to date, and that makes it worse. It makes you feel guilty, immensely, soul-crushingly, heart-stopping guilty.

You might drag your partner along. You might not be happy, but you’re not particularly unhappy either, so you might try to justify staying in the relationship. After all, there’s no real impending reason to end things. There haven’t been any dramatic fights, any falling-outs or any other catastrophic events that might have made you and your partner question the stability of your relationship. Everything seems exactly the way it’s always been, except for what’s going on inside your head. You might go through the motions of saying “I love you,” the cuddle sessions and the sex. You would never initiate, but you won’t deny your partner if he or she does. Eventually, you feel so detached from every touch, and kiss and hug that they all just feel like parts of an assembly line in the factory of your relationship, with you as the mindless worker who’s just in it for the minimum wage. And sure, the minimum wage might be sustainable, but it won’t make you rich.

You resent yourself and your partner. The guilt and the complacency you feel manifests itself into resentment. You wish the apathy hadn’t arrived, but it did, and it’s left you in a state of utter confusion and hatred of yourself, and eventually your partner because you want to feel something, you want to feel anything. At this point, you don’t care what the hell the feeling is, as long as it reminds you that you have a pulse. You start to pick fights with your partner, to look for excuses to get into disagreements and stimulate your emotions just to make sure you still have them.

You could have easily tried to be more loving or incorporate more positivity into your relationship. This could have certainly helped you prove to yourself that you’re still capable of feeling, but that feels too disingenuous. It doesn’t feel honest. Its way easier to fake hate than it is to fake love. You have to honor the fact that, deep in your heart, you know the end is near, so what feels more honest is being less loving, incorporating more negativity. Things that never, ever would have bothered you while you were in the height of your relationship are like nails on a chalkboard now. The way you feel about the dirty dishes in the sink is the way you might normally feel about finding out they cheated on you with an ex: disgusted, repulsed and even more resentful. With each minor act of annoyance comes even more resentment, and it continues to build upon itself, higher and higher like a skyscraper, until you can’t take it anymore, until you got what you wanted, and now you feel something.

You finally end it. What you’re feeling, how you’re behaving, the way you’re treating your partner like he or she doesn’t matter and blowing the most trivial things out of proportion is not fair. It’s not fair that someone you used to love is under the impression that you’re happy when you merely exist in a state of indifference. It’s not fair that you have to act aggressively in order to convince yourself you’re capable of feeling something, so you know you have to end it. Your apathy has gotten so bad that you might even use one of those minor acts of annoyance as a reason to break up, and unfortunately that’s because you don’t really have a reason to end things. You don’t have a reason for anything; you feel nothing, remember?

When you summon up the courage to end it, you feel the heavy weight of your guilt, your resentment and your lies lift from your shoulders. You feel ready to embrace this new chapter in your life, one that isn’t plagued with dishonesty. You try to remember this wasn’t your fault. Sometimes, emotions work in mysterious ways. Sometimes, those lustful feelings that enchant us at the beginning of a relationship fizzle away and die without turning into anything everlasting. You try to remind yourself that you aren’t a bad person for feeling this way, but it’s hard. You’re upset your relationship is over; however you’re also thankful you’ve been able to release the one you loved from the shackles of your deceit. That person deserves better.

And frankly, so do you…

relationshiplessons.net 

Relationship Deal Breakers

In every relationship there are limits or “deal breakers”. Everyone has them, spoken or unspoken, and most guys only find them out after they have crossed one of these undeclared boundaries. A lot of women feel like they are no-brainers and shouldn’t be uttered, but for argument sake, let’s lay them out on the table anyway. I polled 20 women about it, and certain themes emerged:

• Lying
• Cheating
• Stealing (you would be surprised how many women told me this has happened to them)
• If he EVER hits, shoves or in any way raises his hands to you in anger
• Already has kids that he doesn’t take care of or see
• Doesn’t want kids and you do, or vice versa
• Workaholic or unemployed (equally undesirable apparently)
• Lazy/unmotivated
• Never wants to go anywhere with you
• Never pays for anything/cheap
• Cries too much
• Bad in bed/no chemistry
• Inability to communicate
• Does not have a mind of their own/not passionate about anything/doesn’t have their own opinions
• Negative attitude
• Lives with parents
• Not close to family

I have to say, I was a little surprised by some of the responses but I respect that everybody has their individual limits. It is important to know what they are when you enter into a relationship because you can’t expect someone else to respect your boundaries if you don’t even know what they are. You also can’t expect anyone to read your mind. If you don’t let your partner know what the lines are, they may inadvertently cross them.

There were a few things that I found extremely interesting in my research. I actually eliminated a few women from the poll because they had no deal breakers. This was tragic in my mind because it means that they will tolerate anything just to be in a relationship. Sadly, some people would put up with just about anything rather than being alone.

The other thing that fascinated and disturbed me at the same time was how contradictory women’s own responses were. They want a man who is a hard worker, but has enough time to be with them (and potentially a family). He can’t be lazy, but can’t be a workaholic either. They want someone who is close to his family but not too close (no mama’s boys). They want someone who communicates and is in touch with his feelings, but he can’t cry too much. This took me off in a whole other direction. I started asking men the same questions, and here is what they had to say were their deal breakers:

• Smoking
• Needy
• Too independent
• Always fussing and primping/pays too much attention to their looks
• Out of shape/doesn’t take care of themselves
• Know it all
• Dumb
• Can’t support themselves/contribute financially to the relationship or marriage
• Not saying what they want/mean and expecting us to figure it out
• Jealousy
• Bad teeth (really?)

So, men wanted their partners to be independent, but not too independent. They want them to be attractive, but not so attractive that it is costly or time consuming. Smart, but not smarter than they are. They want her to make a nice living, but preferably not more than he makes. Although these disparities existed among both sexes, they were significantly less common among men.

This started me thinking that we really don’t know what we want and we are imposing an awful lot of “rules” on each other for people who don’t know our own rules. When I began writing this article, I intended it to be sort of fun, goofy, and full of fluff. I was expecting the responses to be more reasonable. It wasn’t until I noticed the patterns that it became so much more. It turned into a revelation about our expectations in relationships, my own included. My deal breakers have always been lying and cheating, but once I heard some of the other responses, I realized I contradicted myself too. For example, I have always respected a woman who works hard because I work hard, however it is really important to me to be with a woman who makes time for her family. It is pretty difficult to find a balance in those two traits, even in my own life. I’m not suggesting it’s impossible, but it can be challenging.

Is it really any wonder that our divorce rates are so high? If we don’t know what we want when we enter into these relationships, how can we really expect them to succeed? Are we setting ourselves up to fail? How reasonable are your deal breakers? Let me know...

relationshiplessons.net

How I'm Choosing To NOT Chase Anyone

Sometimes it seems like you’re just one step away from getting someone attracted to you, and if you just push a little bit harder, the person will finally start to “get it” and want you back. It’s hard to admit it yourself, but this feeling is just an illusion. It’s too bad life isn’t more like a romantic comedy, because unlike in movies, any drastic gestures you try to take will usually backfire. What’s more, it will usually hurt your self-respect in the process. 

As much as we hate to admit it, we can all relate to the experience of throwing away our self-respect to chase after someone who’s just not that into us. I made this mistake over and over, until the light bulb came on and I learned how to focus on the bigger picture. Instead of scheming and manipulating to get a woman to like me, I started focusing on the habits that would boost my self-respect instead of undermining it. I've listed what are some of the most important habits I’ve learned for dating when you’re single...

1. Be assertive and ask for what you want. There is rarely a downside to being assertive, honest and open. You owe it to yourself, and to everyone you meet to be upfront about who you are and what you’re looking for. Assertiveness is like any other skill; it takes practice to get better. Our generation was never taught this kind of communication skill growing up, and that’s part of the reason why dating can be so difficult. Guys who complain about being in the dreaded “friend zone” end up there because they’re unwilling to be assertive. It’s scary to directly state your intentions, but it’s also a weak move to befriend a woman under false pretenses; be direct instead. We all know that women love confidence, and this habit applies for women as well. Even though social norms say men should be the initiator in relationships, there are norms from older generations. They just don’t apply in the modern dating landscape. You can avoid chasing someone who only has lukewarm feelings for you if you are simply honest from day one.

2. View people in shades of gray. Have you ever jumped into a relationship with someone, only to have it come crashing down when you begin to realize who it is that you initially fell for? When you first start to like someone, it’s a natural tendency to subconsciously overlook flaws. The sparks of attraction make us idealize and put people on a pedestal. We forget that no one’s character is black and white. Everyone has flaws, but emotion makes us blind to these flaws. Be honest about the red flags you see in others. It’s too easy to try to force yourself into a relationship that isn’t quite right for you just because you don’t want to face the potential of loneliness.

3. Don’t mistake anxiety for attraction. On a physiological level, feeling anxious that you might lose someone is very similar to the emotions of attraction. It’s crucial to distinguish between the two. There’s a famous study in social psychology where researchers had an attractive research assistant interact with men on two different bridges to complete a survey. When the men were interviewed afterward, the men who talked to the researcher on a rickety narrow bridge thought she was more attractive than the men on the more stable bridge. They mistook their feelings of anxiety and excitement from being on the nerve-racking bridge to actual attraction. It’s the same phenomenon we experience when we get more attracted to someone after seeing a scary movie with him or her. Are you doing the same thing in your dating life? If you start to crave someone’s attention more when he or she starts to pull away, you’re mistaking anxiety for attraction. Don’t set yourself up to be in an unsatisfying relationship. Understand what real attraction looks and feels like rather than just anxiety about possibly losing someone.

4. Don’t try to manipulate people. Unless you take a hard look at your own actions, it can be hard to realize when you’re trying to manipulate someone. We hear the word manipulation and think of lying, cheating or consciously trying to control others, but in the social world, it’s usually more subtle than that. If you’re trying to get someone to feel differently about you, there’s a good chance you’re trying to manipulate him or her. If you’re trying to get someone to like you more, there’s a good chance you’re trying to manipulate him or her. If someone isn’t into you, manipulation might drag out or soften the inevitable rejection, but it won’t ever force the person into being attracted to you. When it comes to attraction and dating, people act emotionally and then rationalize it logically. No amount of logically convincing someone to like you will work. It can hurt, and it can be difficult to stop doing it, but chasing and manipulating will always hurt your self-respect in the long run. I've been there, and it's not a good feeling.

5. Walk away if you’re not getting enough interest or respect. Often, the reason someone isn’t interested has nothing to do with you. You never completely know someone’s prior dating experiences, emotional patterns or subconscious preferences. Don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t showing you affection back. Emotionally available people will respond positively to your advances when there is genuine attraction between the two of you. Showing that you are confident enough to walk away when you’re not being treated well is the best way to maintain your self-respect in your dating life. You may be able to consciously lie to yourself, but you can’t fool your subconscious. Deep down in your gut, you know when you’re sticking around, even though you’re not being treated the way you deserve. When it’s over, make sure it’s really over. Ruminating over someone who got away or beating yourself up trying to understand what happened will only undermine your self-respect. Living by these rules will help you make better decisions in your dating life. Over time, they’ll help you maintain a healthy level of self-respect, and whomever you do decide to settle down with will be grateful for your confidence. 

My "light bulb" moment came to shine bright, and it inspired these five tips. There is a part of me however, that wonders how many light bulbs are coming on as a result of reading this? Leave a comment and let me know which one speaks to you. Most of all, learn the lesson, that's what I always say...

relationshiplessons.net

The Problem With Men Taking Advice

I was at a party recently with a bunch of couples. At one point during the evening, the guys found their way into the ‘man room,’ full of rich mahogany, cigars, and bourbon. We talked about the baseball game that was on TV, because the party’s host is a former professional baseball player. We talked about marriage and divorce because one of the guests was a divorce attorney. We all got along great, smoked cigars, had a few drinks, and went back out to the rest of the party, where some of the guy’s wives were.

Some of them are familiar with my writing, and there was talk about chivalry, romance, and dating that began circulating as we made our way back into the crowd. “You should talk to Delvin!” One of the guy’s wives said. “You could use some lessons in chivalry…” from another. Before you knew it, the friends I’d made just a few minutes ago were cracking jokes and reverting back to high school humor because hey man, they don’t need advice because they’re already married. Right? One thing became clear to me in that moment: Most men don’t want other men telling them how to treat the woman in their life. Hell, maybe these guys didn’t need advice. They all seemed happy and in love, but that isn’t the case with everyone.

More often than not, men that have no use for relationship advice are ego driven. Because of this, when another man steps in to share an experience or go into the “no-man zone” it can often be perceived as a weakness to engage in this type of conversation. And yes guys, it’s true: When we start to talk about those sensitive issues, we have to let our guard down. I can relate to how difficult this can be, but the benefits it can bring are worth the discomfort.

And of course some men avoid or reject advice for no other reason than stubbornness. Some would rather take the long road and learn their own lessons the hard way before they would ever consider taking advice from another guy. Oddly enough, after the lesson is learned, they seem eager to offer advice to others about their bad experiences. After all, now they know more than the average Joe. Ironically, men take advice from each other in all other areas of life. If I am looking to learn more about a subject, the first thing I do is go to someone else who knows more about it than I do, whether they are a woman or another man. Too many guys are letting their pride get in the way of their own progress.

What’s even more ironic is that the men who think they have it all figured out have closed off the roads to new information due to their ego, and therefore never actually figure it out. They won’t listen, and will remain focused on a short-term goal [making himself feel adequate in the moment], rather than admitting he can improve, and subsequently doing so.

Consider this: The man who is willing and open to take advice and improve, will always be the better partner in a relationship because he exhibits the characteristic[s] required to be able to communicate, absorb, and adjust. He will be flexible and communicate efficiently. He will be able to work with his girlfriend or wife as a teammate. He understands that neither he nor she knows it all, but they can figure it out together. It’s worth noting that taking advice or at least listening to someone who has a valuable experience to share doesn’t indicate a weakness, but displays strength and wisdom, all of which are character traits worthy of pursuit.

Some men are just too damn smart for dating advice. Believe me, I know. I still struggle with taking advice sometimes myself. They don’t need to hear it from me, you, or anyone else. The problem with most of the men who criticize other men’s dating advice, though? They always seem to be single. I've learned everything I know by first admitting that I didn’t know a damn thing. By understanding the best way to reach a destination is to follow the paths of others who have already reached it. I've learned that listening to advice doesn’t mean you have to take it, but not listening because you think you don’t need it can hinder success in many areas. Success leaves clues. We take financial advice from those with more money than us. We take fitness advice from those who are in better shape than us. I don't know, maybe I'm looking at it wrong...

relationshiplessons.net

So, You Wanna Be A Grown Ass Man?

As we grow, advance, and hopefully mature as adults, the way we live our lives should progress at an equal pace. What I find to be some sort of epidemic these days is otherwise seemingly mature and well-adjusted men have stuck to the dating habits they learned in their early 20’s, or maybe even late teens. Allow me to sound almost 49 for a minute, but back in those days, a lot of different things accomplished a lot of different goals. Maybe you didn’t really want a serious relationship. Maybe you hadn’t really figured out yourself or what you were looking for, but now that you have matured past that phase in your life, you cannot expect to get better results by utilizing the same old techniques. 

If you are going to find yourself a nice woman who you’d feel comfortable bringing home to mom (yep, I’m still in my almost 49 moment), there are some strategies that you’re going to have to leave behind because they just don’t cut it anymore.

1. The ‘let’s just see where this goes’ technique. As you reach your 30’s, and definitely after you hit them, you'll see that women are past the point of wasting their time with guys who aren’t serious about a future. Women are driven, successful, independent, and want to be with a man who they can consider an equal teammate in life and in love. The whole ‘I’m still figuring life out’ thing isn’t going to cut it with a mature, established woman. Trust me; I know better than anyone that life is tough and a lot of us probably have no idea what the hell we’re doing. It’s not about having all of the answers (because nobody has all the answers) but it is about having some resemblance of a path in life that will make her feel comfortable committing to you for the long run. Nobody wants to plan a future with someone who doesn’t have a future already planned for themselves.

2. The ‘I’ll wait 3 days to call’ and other nonsense. Traditional antiquated dating rules go out the window when a certain level of maturity is reached. And when I mean antiquated rules, I mean the call when you want to call and text when you want to text rule. There are no rules or regulations when building a mature, healthy relationship. If you start over-thinking everything and only doing what you think you’re supposed to do (or not do), then the genuineness of your actions begins to fade and give way to a more robotic structure to your relationship. How can someone get to know the real you if you are manufacturing every step you take? Oh yeah, they can’t.

3. ‘Hey, wanna meet up?’ texts. I’ve mentioned this one a few times before because it’s an ongoing issue. If you want a woman to take you seriously, you need to let her know that you’re taking getting to know her seriously. A last minute text to see if she wants to ‘meet up’ somewhere you’re going to be isn’t exactly sending the message that you’re willing to put in an effort for her. Meeting up for a drink is not a date. Grabbing a coffee is not a date. A last minute text inviting her to join you out with your group of friends is not a date. Using the actual word and properly inviting a woman on a date is the first step to actually making it a date. The next step is actually taking the time to plan something out. Stand out from the crowd by showing her you are different than all the other guys, because you are.

4. Using your phone during the date. This to me, is so cringe-worthy that I hate to even need to bring it up, but I will. Maybe when you’re younger, you can both play around on Instagram while you’re waiting for your fries and chocolate shake to be roller-skated over to the car, but you’re an adult now, and it’s time to control your impulsive urges to check Facebook every 5 seconds. I know that you’re important and you need to see who just liked your profile photo, but when you are on a date with a real, live, adult, breathing woman who is deserving of your attention, that’s precisely what you should be giving her. Have a real conversation, give her your full attention, and leave your phone in your pocket.

5. Wasting time on people you’re not into. I think we've all probably spent a little too much time with someone we knew who deep in our hearts wasn’t right for us. The reasons could vary; maybe you’d feel too guilty breaking it off with them, maybe you thought you’d develop stronger feelings for them eventually, maybe the sex was great but nothing else really was. When you’re younger and not really looking to plan a future, it may be nice to be with someone just for companionship as long as you both are looking for the same thing. When we get older, it’s time to get a little more serious about who we spend our valuable time with. If you know in your heart it’s not going to work in the long run, break it off for both of your sakes. Nobody should be led into a dead end.

6. Not being genuine about who you are. Too many people send their ‘representative’ on the first few dates with someone new. You’re on your best behavior, you are polite, courteous, patient, and chivalrous. While you should absolutely be all of these things, you should really be all of these things. If you’re not, don’t pretend that you are because when the truth comes out, it’s just going to make things worse. If you don’t possess these qualities, work on yourself first and develop them before you enter into a relationship with another person. ‘Fake it ’til you make it’ doesn’t apply when feelings are on the line.

7. Even considering letting her pay half. When friends go out, they split the bill. When you are on a date, the man picks up the tab…all of it! There are plenty of ways a woman could reciprocate if she’d like: She could take care of the parking, pick up a round of drinks, she could get the snacks at the show you got tickets for, whatever it may be. When the tab comes for dinner, don’t let her anywhere near it, and do not accept her offer to split it. If you think paying for the date is about the money, think again. 

Dating changes as we get older, and life is all about progressing and evolving, but it doesn’t happen automatically. Things change all on their own, and we all know that happens without us needing to put in any effort at all. Improvement, on the other hand, is different, that takes a little work. Work is what makes the final result so rewarding: A happy, healthy relationship with a woman who can love a grown ass man…

relationshiplessons.net

What To Do When You Fall In Love

I received the following question from a handful of people over the past week, and figured I’d post my answer publicly:

“I’m really starting to fall for someone, and it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship. Is there anything I should be watching out for? Are there common traps that people fall into?”

There’s nothing like the exhilarating rush of new love. Your brain is being flooded with huge hits of happy chemicals, and it can feel like you’re high around the clock.

• What are they doing? 
• Are they thinking of me right now?
• Whatever they’re doing, I hope they’re happy.
• What would we fight about long term?
• Am I already being too clingy?
• How do our names sound together?
• Should I not have texted them that thing yesterday?
• Where would our ideal vacation be?
• Do they like the same hobbies as me?

Our minds run rampant doing mental gymnastics about our new love interest. To help you keep your feet (somewhat) grounded during this new and exciting phase, here are three things to remember when you’re falling in love with someone new.

1. You’re allowed to be excited - Yes, you are going to be distracted as thoughts of them race through your mind, and that’s totally fine. Going into a new relationship is an exciting transitional period. You’re allowed to be happy, giddy, distracted and joyful about it. Instead of resisting it or trying to rationalize it, you should be embracing it. Let the excitement run its course through your body. Every emotion you experience is there for a reason, and this blast of excitement is likely there to teach you that “this one” matters. You care about “this one”, so go ahead and lean into it.

2. You’re allowed to feel some anxiety - Along with the rush of excitement that comes with a new love interest, you’re also likely to feel some combination of nerves or anxiety. Opening up to a new partner can trigger a lot of fear, worries, and anxiety in people. Maybe you worry that they’re too good to be true, or that they won’t like you back. Love is a risk, it always is, and just like the excitement we just touched on, you’re also allowed to embrace the anxiety. You can welcome it into your body and tell it “You have a home here. Thank you for looking out for me”. That’s not to say that you’ll necessarily want to let that emotion run your mind and all of your thoughts, but there’s no point in denying its existence in your body.

3. Don’t let your life fall to the wayside - Some people have a tendency to drop their friends, family, obligations, and interests when they start seeing someone new. I understand how seductive this pattern is (you want to see them, touch them, and taste them all the time) but it isn’t serving you or the building of your budding relationship’s foundation. It’s important to keep doing the things that make you happy that aren’t tied to your new significant other. If 100% of your emotional fulfillment comes from your new partner, you could eventually start to resent them for taking up so much of your time and they could begin to feel stifled by you, knowing full well that they provide the majority of your happiness. We all need multiple pathways to joy and fulfillment. And while there’s nothing wrong being with a partner who you feel happy to be around, you should also experience joy from other sources in your life. 

If this point is particularly difficult for you, proactively reach out to one or two of your closest friends and explicitly tell them “Hey, I’m starting to fall for this person and I want to make sure that I keep being me and I don’t get completely sucked into it, and I also value our friendship and want to continue to invest in it. Can you help keep me accountable to hanging out with you every week or two, just to make sure that I’m not just spending time with (your new love interest’s name here)? That would help me out a lot”.

Keep doing the things that make you want to be you, and keep seeing the people who you feel lit up by in your relationship with your significant other and outside of it, and your relationship will thank you…

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