As the rigid gender norms of past generations fell by the wayside,
and with the movement towards gender equality, women no longer had to
defer to men. Women wanted to be treated as equals and not patronized as
though they were inferior or weak and child-like, but this doesn’t mean
they didn’t want to still feel protected. The roles of men and women in
intimate relationships became less clear. Through the new paradigm shift of what romance looked like, certain standards started to slip. People, on some level, are inherently lazy. We’re hardwired to want
to do the least amount of work for the most amount of results. We are suckers for the “get rich
quick" and "lose 30 pounds in four days" and "find your dream man/woman by this
weekend” buzzwords. While you can get results quickly in life, you can’t get results easily.
With the rise of the culture of personality and fall of a culture
based on character, men started to do less to take care of their women. And here is where women started to contribute: As men did less, women started expecting less. Women have recently relaxed
their standards as to what is acceptable for the men they will allow in
to their lives because “hey, I’d rather be dating a shmuck than dating
no one at all!” And so as men see that they are allowed to get away with it, they do even less. This gradual settling and relaxing pattern is what has brought us to our modern relationship climate.
How Do We Fix This? If women settled for less, and men relaxed into providing less, how do we reverse this trend? Women can reverse it by expecting more, and men can reverse it by improving more. When women raise their standards as to what is acceptable to them in a relationship, it creates the space for men to step up.
Here is the best example I can give regarding this; When a baby is learning to walk, at a certain point you have to let go of their hands for them to learn on their own. Will the baby fall down a few times? Absolutely. Am I saying that modern men’s chivalrous abilities are akin to that of a baby learning to walk? Yes, I am.
I’ve had people (jokingly or not) tell me to stop posting as much content on helping men step up in their intimate relationships because it would make it harder for them to find a quality woman. To which I say, fantastic! Women will just have to learn how to step up even harder. I would not be serving the world’s growth in any way if I played small, if I created less, if I expected less from men. But I’ve seen the depth, the devotion, and the beauty of a woman who has done
her work, and I see more than anything that she deserves an army of men
fighting to be better for her. What do I see instead? I see an army of
men who bicker, bitch, and bully each other. I see men who play video
games more than they read a book. I see men who haven’t challenged
their minds or their muscles with much more than lifting up a gallon of
milk to read the expiration date. So what can everyone do to help men step up? What will it take for everyone to see that this isn’t a problem of
chivalry, but a problem of relaxed standards that are making everyone
suffer? I'm glad you asked...
A Message To The Men - Always do more than you think you need to. Don’t wait for the call to
action from the woman in your life. Take the masculine, directional
energy that is coursing through your veins and turn it on to yourself. How can you free yourself from your emotional demons? How can you make the women in your life feel more cherished and appreciated? What do you need to be doing that you haven’t yet done? What does your mind hold you back from doing that your heart knows it needs to do? How can you live more congruently in your life? And how can you stop
accepting behavior from yourself that you know is beneath you? Yes, the women in your life need to raise their standards, but you can give them a reason to before they even knew it was an option.
A Message To The Women - Expect more from the men in your life. Maybe it will feel like taking
on a small sense of entitlement compared to what you’ve been doing, and
that’s fine. How can you honor yourself and your wishes so that a man will have to grow in order to fulfill your needs? In those moments when you expect chivalry not to happen because it
“hasn’t happened with other guys”, how can you temporarily suspend past
expectations and patiently wait to see what this man brings to the
table? When walking towards a doorway, hesitate slightly before reaching
for the door handle and maybe the man will spring into action and open
the door for you. Or better yet, he won’t even need any trace of a
hint, and he will do it of his own volition. How can you TRUST that if you don’t settle into a relationship with
any guy that happens to show an interest in you, that an even better man
will fill the space for you as long as you are holding your standards
and keeping an open and loving heart?
You crave love. I get it, we all do, and it’s difficult to resist the
urge to get into a relationship when you want that tenderness so badly. But letting yourself date someone below your standards hurts
everyone. It hurts you because you are displeased with your partner. It
hurts your partner because he doesn’t have to grow to be your partner.
And it hurts our intimate culture in general because it teaches men that
they can get away with the bare minimum. When I see a quality woman dating someone who clearly doesn’t have
the same level of emotional maturity as them, it hurts me. It hurts me
like it hurts my female friends who complain of men who have so much
potential, but who settle for menial jobs. How much would the world have missed out on if Steve Jobs would have
thought to himself “you know what, life’s too scary to really try. I’m
going to work this minimum wage job instead so that I don’t make any
waves in the world”? The exact same thing applies to you. If you settle for a partner that is
undeserving of you, then you are missing out on deeply affecting and
inspiring the life of a man who could change the world with your love
and encouragement. So hold out and wait for someone to fill that space.
Is it scary? Sure. Are you worried that if your standards are too
high you’ll end up alone forever? I understand that fear. Wouldn’t it be
one of the greatest things to ever happen to you if you held that space
for a mentally and emotionally mature man to enter your life? Wouldn't it be great if one
day he showed up and loved you better and more fully than every other
man in your life combined? I’d say so. So hold on to that space. Expect more, and see more.
Wait a second, wasn’t this supposed to be an article on chivalry? Yes, and it was. Whether men are expected to act chivalrous or not, they can do it. When we move from settling and relaxing, to expecting and improving, then we will see and feel the difference in our interactions between men and women. And men, when you start regularly getting the feedback of “no guy has ever done that for me before”, then you’ll know that you're on the right track...
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