It
is a fact that falling in love makes otherwise smart and
self-respecting people
feel and act ridiculous. Whether it is finding
pathetic excuses to call again when he does not call back right away, or
scheming to run into her outside her office "by accident," I don't know
anyone who has not at least once gone a little bit bonkers for new love.
It is not as if you don't at least suspect when it is happening that you are being an idiot, but that doesn't help you because you're tackling your idiocy from the wrong end.
You try by the sheer force of will
power to purge yourself of your idiotic impulses. This never ever
works, which is why despite swearing to yourself and your friends that
you are
going to play it cool this time, you'll still end up sneaking
off for the twentieth time that day to check your messages in the bathroom again. Friend, you need to develop a better approach.
The fact of the matter is, you can't make yourself stop
wanting to do dumb things when you've fallen hard for someone any
more than you can make yourself stop wanting cheesecake, or a cigarette,
or a martini, or anything else that tempts you. Take a moment to let
that sink in, because it's really important. I'll wait...
Now, the good news is that you can stop actually doing
the things that make you look and feel like an idiot, despite the fact
that you really want to do them if you use the right strategy. You can
stop the compulsive voicemail and email checking, the constant texting,
and the Facebook
stalking. You
can shut out all those premature thoughts of what your wedding will be
like, and what you'll name your children. When you're wondering on
your second date if he or she has fallen in love with you yet, you can stop
yourself from actually asking them.
The solution begins with embracing the idea that dating is like dieting. Nobody loses weight by deciding they don't want
calorie-rich food anymore. You can't talk yourself out of wanting
french fries, and if you are solely counting on the sheer force of will power to see you
through when you feel tempted, you're going to wind up eating a lot of french fries.
The next step is to do some "if-then"
planning. Over a hundred scientific studies on everything from diet and
exercise, to curbing spending, to quitting smoking, have shown that
deciding in advance how you will handle your impulses will double or triple your chances for success (e.g., "If I am hungry and want a snack, then I will choose a healthier option like fruit or veggies").
The key to a successful plan involves deciding what you will do instead of being the fool. So when you are taken by the desire to try to track him down on
Facebook, or to leave the "not sure if you got my last
message" message on her voicemail, what more productive and
non-creepy behavior will you replace it with? My mother once giving me
some excellent advice about a girlfriend I was obsessing over. "When you
feel like calling her" she said, "then call me." You don't have to
call your mother when love messes with your head, but having some sort of plan in place is essential.
"If-then" plans are simple, easy to create, and
extraordinarily effective when it comes to resisting temptation, be it edible
or otherwise. Just taking a moment to decide in advance how you will
handle your less attractive impulses could mean the difference between
finding Mr. or Ms. Right, and seriously freaking them out...
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