Saying Goodbye To Them Is Saying Hello To You

I’ve gone through a lot of changes, especially in my dating life, and I’m sure many single parents out there can relate. For a while, I bounced back and forth between playing the field, to not dating at all, to focusing on my son and myself. At the time, seeing a woman one or two times and then moving on to the next was easier for me than anything committal. Casually dating meant I didn’t have to worry about getting my heart broken, giving up my freedom, or introducing anyone to my son.

At a certain point though, I grew bored of all the me-time and hook-ups. Without even realizing it, the desire to fall in love again had crept back into my life. I no longer wanted to be alone, and found myself wanting something more serious than my usual flings, but just because I was ready to seriously date didn’t mean I was ready for a serious relationship, and in my single world, there’s a difference.

To me, seriously dating someone meant I’m not sleeping, making out with, or seeing anyone else. We’re exclusive, but the relationship part needs to evolve slowly. What’s wrong with dating exclusively for a while and getting to know one another before slapping that label across my forehead? As a single man at 50, I don’t feel I can be as carefree about falling in love or getting into a relationship as I was in my thirties and forties. It is no longer just about feelings and lust, there are so many other factors involved in my choosing a partner because my son’s future is at stake too.

Though I’ve been completely open to investing my heart and time in quality women that I meet, my first reaction to hearing the word “boyfriend” too soon is to cringe, or even worse, RUN. I’ve seen other men get giddy over being in a serious relationship, but for me, that’s where things get complicated.

Making a commitment like that means our lives are beginning to intertwine and I’m planning some type of a future with you, which means eventually introducing you to my kid. It also probably means there’s an expectation that someday we’re going to take things to the next level, like moving in together and even getting married. Deciding if I want to share my life with someone takes me way more than a handful of dates.

I’ve rushed into relationships many times before and that’s obviously never ended well. This time around I made a promise to myself to slow things down and go at my own pace, though that’s not always easy for me to speak up about and communicate to the women that come into my life. Recently a woman I was briefly seeing asked me about being committed, and with school being my primary focus, it just isn't where I am right now. Was she disappointed? I think we both were a little disappointed, but I couldn’t put her feelings above my own and end up in relationship I was not truly ready for. 

As awkward as the conversation was to have, I told her how I felt about her, but I was also honest about the fact that I needed to get to know her at my own pace before I was going to fully let her into the world I live in. Her being on the outside of that world looking into it at the moment was safe for me, but she wanted more and I understood that. Despite my thinking she would end things, I wasn’t hurt or pissed off. No grudges, no blocking them off social media, I'm good, she's good, we're good. School is my focus, and I have to remember that I can't give her what she wants, and as bad as it may sound, I am actually alright with that. 

A funny thing happened after we had that exchange; because she was able to be completely candid about her feelings and also listen to mine, my fears about labels subsided. Her willingness to not stick around obviously made me realize this one was not worth taking the leap into girlfriend territory, but it was worth me opening my eyes to today's dating methods. I think this is the first time in a long time I ever entered into a relationship being 100% authentically me, and that in itself felt pretty damn amazing.

Moral of the story? Don’t be afraid to express how you feel. Be honest with the person you are dating about what you are comfortable with. Lasting relationships are built on trust and communication, and we all want a lasting relationship, right? Be proud of who you are. Be your quirky yet AMAZING self who can accessorize your "big bag of ugly" like a champ! Anyone who can’t deal with that shouldn’t be in your life anyway. The right kind of partner will accept your imperfections and help carry your bag, so you both can enjoy the ride...