Dear Relationship Lessons,
I’ve been dating this guy for about four months. We talk every day whether it’s text, call, or Skype. We see each other about once a week. I met a few of his family members. We have tons of fun together. He shares things with me that I think are personal, and vice versa. He’ll ask questions about things I’ve told him in previous conversations and the whole nine yards. I would think it’s safe to assume we have pretty good communication. The only thing is we've never established exclusivity. I thought about asking, but that question seemed premature so I decided to hold off asking. So my concern is should I get him a gift for Christmas? He’s in a bit of a financial bind with a family emergency, which is why I didn’t suggest exchanging gifts. I ask because I just celebrated his birthday with him. I treated him to dinner and a fun activity that he would mention interest in when we first met. I don’t want to smother him or “spoil” him too soon. What are your thoughts? Thanks in advance for your advice.
The holidays are always the time for people in relationship
purgatory or the friend zone to determine whether or not they will show their
level of affection via Christmas gift. Your plight is similar to
situations we have all found ourselves in before. I also think we
can overthink these situations at times. So let me present to you my two
general rules of engagement for gift giving over the holidays:
1) If you are committed, this is a no-brainer. It doesn’t matter if you dated for 6 months or six minutes. When
you both decide to be exclusive and present each other with a title,
it’s almost a given that you would spend holidays exchanging gifts and
enjoying each others time. With great titles come great responsibility,
and you should treat the holidays accordingly. It shouldn’t be any
pressure, but broaching the subject should be easier since the idea of
gifts during the holidays will be in the back of both of your minds.
2) If you start dating within the holiday season, you are not obligated to get a gift. Starting to date someone during the holiday months (basically
Oct-Dec) means things are fresh. You aren’t exclusive but you enjoy
each others company, you go out, you might get physical, etc. During this time the
holiday months come up and you feel anxiety over giving a gift. I say don’t
in this case. It’s completely optional and you don’t even have to bring
it up, especially if you two date other people. You could always pull the
high school maneuver and break up before Christmas and make up after New
Years Day, but I wouldn’t recommend such actions.
You mentioned that you have been dating this gentleman for four
months. So that would be outside of my timeline highlighted in rule #2.
You also said that you don’t want to spoil him too soon. Well since you
have been dating him for 120 days, I think you are comfortably out of
the “too soon” zone. You know one another, and although you two aren’t
committed, you have an idea of likes and dislikes, and you probably do nice
things for each other. You took him out for his birthday recently and “a fun activity he’d mention interest in when you two first met”
[DECODED: She did "that thing he likes", Salute!]. So why would you
think that a gift during the holidays would constitute spoiling him?
As men, we know that women naturally go all out for times of the
year like the holiday season. Women emote more maturely and better than
men most of the time, and know how to express their feelings via
gestures such as gift giving. Maybe you wanted to blow his mind with a
thoughtful gift and you’re unsure of whether you should do this for a
dude that isn’t your man. That’s understandable. Also, if dude is in a
financial bind, you don’t want to put the added pressure of impressing
you with a gift. I would say the gift exchange is a good idea. maybe set some ground rules on a price cap. I used to do "White Elephant" gift exchanging,
which worked out great. We really had to be creative within a budget
constraint. That way, he won’t feel emasculated by your suggestion that
he should cap his spending when it will be within the rules of your gift
giving exercise. Plus it will be FUN! Worst case scenario: you just
enjoy each others company and have an awesome dinner date. Dating and relationships around Christmas time doesn’t always have to be about
the pomp and circumstance. Don’t stress this situation. Be conscious of your own feelings and
his situation, and suggest the best course of action. The holidays is a
time to chill with loved ones and enjoy company. Gifts are a bonus.
Remember this and you will be straight...
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