Marriage Advice From The Divorced Guy

Ah love, what a friend you are for the right people. Two of my friends who I remember letting me in on the fact that they were seeing each other, who invited me to a surprise proposal party, who I've seen grow into this mature and well seasoned ball of blended family love, got married over the weekend. Sitting there watching them get hitched for a brief moment, made me think about what marital wisdom I could share with them, and all of you too. I know some of you out there are about to get married, which is absolutely great, congratulations. I've been married before (a few times honestly) and I may not really be all that qualified to give you marriage advice, but people who turn up their nose on your story and look for qualifications instead of truth will keep you silent if you let them. In light of the happy occasion, here are a few things for the new groom and all the grooms to be that I’ve learned during my marital time. Some of these are things I’m still working on in the season I'm in. Some of them are things I might still be working on for the next few decades, but they’re all things that A) I didn’t think much about while single and B) became more crucial after saying "I do" and jumping the broom.

Things you think won’t bother you or things that have never bothered you, will bother you. It’s up to you to learn how to deal with them. I have a couple friends who up until a couple years ago, had one of the best homes of anyone I knew. It was spacious and open with hardwood floors throughout. A three-level townhouse with two bedrooms and two baths and in a prime location. It was basically perfect for them, but they were also renting. While hanging out one day, I asked one of them if they ever considered buying the place. They replied quickly “No” and then proceeded to give a long list of reasons why they wouldn’t (the kitchen was substandard, there were some issues with the plumbing, etc). The home was perfect for them then because they were renting. It wasn’t a permanent situation, but once the idea of permanence came into the picture, a few of the flaws became a bit more apparent. Marriage can have a similar effect on relationships. Minor irritations you overlooked when a woman you were dating possessed them can become less minor when you make a commitment to be with someone forever. And trust me when I tell you that some little things you do that other seasonal girlfriends and cutty-buddies ignored or laughed away will irritate her too. Mainly because she has to live with you and deal with you every day. How you deal with these permanence-related realizations will help determine the temperature of your relationship. 

Remember there was a time not too long ago when she was just some chick you wanted to get to know. Now obviously, your soon-to-be-wife isn’t just “some chick.” She might be an astronaut, or an assistant principal, or a Subway sandwich artist, but there was a point in your past when you didn’t know her yet. You weren’t dating, you weren’t in a relationship, and you might have not even known her name. But you saw her somewhere and thought “Damn! I don’t know what that astronaut chick’s name is, but I want to get to know her!” My point? It can be easy to fall into a pattern of treating each other like roommates. People who live, eat, and occasionally watch Netflix together, instead of two people who were at one time, completely infatuated with and in lust with each other. It’s not possible to keep that type of spark going 24/7, but remember it on those lazy Sundays when you’re both sitting in bed, playing with your phones. And those mundane Wednesdays when you’ve both worked an 11 hour day and barely acknowledge each other at home. Remember that this is her; this is the woman you fantasized about. This is the woman you wouldn’t stop telling your boys about. This is the woman who made you heart jump the first time she talked to you. Now she’s sitting on your couch. Being married doesn’t mean you stop kissing the back of her neck, the slight rubs on the small of her back when she walks by, or all the things you fantasized about doing before you were able to do them. 

Learn how to fight It’s inevitable. Regardless of how mild-mannered you think you are and pride yourself on being, if you’re spending the rest of your life with another adult human person, you’re going to have some disagreements. Some of these disagreements will be resolved quickly, and some will not. Some of those disagreements will turn into actual fights. How am I so sure this will happen to you? Well, you know who is a mild-mannered person who prides themselves on their ability to stay even keel and keep their cool? Me. You know who else is? My ex wife LaShaun. If fights could happen to us, fights can happen to anyone. In this context, “learning how to fight” doesn’t mean “learning how to win fights.” It means “learning how to have a heated argument with the person you’re in love with.” This means some of the insults, put downs, and other tricks you might have used in fights before are no longer necessary. Yeah you’re upset, but this is a person you love. This is your wife! You don’t want to hurt her or do any irreversible damage to the relationship, so learn how to be mad without allowing that bout of anger to damage your marriage.

Get a room. It can be a spare bedroom, an office, a garage, a basement, a basement bathroom, hell it could even be a walk-in closet. Whatever it is, you need an easily accessible space where you can just go and do things by yourself for a little while. You will need the room because the rest of the home, even if its a house you bought yourself before you got married, will be hers (trust me). It’s paramount for your sanity, and hers as well, for you to have a space that’s “yours”. What you do in that space is your decision. You can do push-ups. You can watch the game (or several games if you need to). You can teach yourself how to do the Casper and Turbo Slide. Whatever. You just need that space. And she needs for you to have that space.

Like I said, marital advice from someone who has been there. What you do with it can either help you now or make you wish you took it and put it to practice sooner. Congrats to my friends Stephen and Ketaschi, and to all of you who will venture down this road as well...

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