Ten Lessons in My Relationship Survey

This week, I asked a simple question on my Facebook page regarding the ideal love life. I asked men and women (single, committed, engaged, married, divorced or widowed to complete a sentence for me. The sentence was “If I were to take full responsibility in my love life…”. Their answers were inspiring, beautiful, heart-warming, and sometimes hilarious. I asked, what would you do differently in your relationship (past or present) if you had the chance? What would you admit was your fault if you were wrong? What you do more of if you were right? I was surprised by some of the consistent things that kept popping up from both sexes and YES, men participated in this as well. The following are ten of the themes that popped up the most from the 108 responses I received in 24 hours.

1. “… I would tell them how much I love them, and how much I appreciate them, a lot more often.” By far one of the most consistent themes from the responses was about being more proactive in expressing how much they loved and appreciated their partner. Whether it was telling them they loved them, praising their character, or sending them an appreciative text message, many of the responders were well aware that a little more praise would go a long way in making their significant other feel significant.

2. “… I would be more loving towards my partner / spouse / significant other and give them more of what I knew they needed.” Many others expressed that they knew what it was that made their partner feel loved, but they were also aware that they hadn’t been making enough of an effort to meet those needs. Whether their partner needed more cuddling, head-scratching, back rubs, verbal praise, or ample time to connect through conversation, many responders felt like they were giving their partner a sub-par performance when it came to meeting their needs.

3. “… I would initiate sex more often. I want to, I know I would enjoy myself, and I know that they would feel more desired because of it.” Whether childhood shame surrounding sex, low libido, or just a fear of putting themselves out there was to blame, many people expressed remorse around how often they felt like having sex, but didn’t feel comfortable enough putting themselves out there and telling their partner what they wanted.

4. “… I would bring up the things in our past that I still feel hurt about.” Many people mentioned how they still felt hurt about things that had transpired during their relationship that they either never brought up in the moment, or never brought up at any point. Maybe their partner hurt their trust years ago and it was never fully resolved. Maybe they said something a few weeks ago that was somewhat hurtful and it’s still lingering in their minds. Maybe they feel like their partner has slowly been emotionally shutting them off, and they don’t know the cause behind it. Whatever the specifics, many people mentioned a desire to be more proactive in cleaning the space between them and their partner in order to feel safer and more connected.

5. “… I would acknowledge that I’m waiting for a partner to complete me when, in reality, I need to complete myself.” Numerous responders who are currently single wrote in that they wanted to be more motivated to become the kind of person they knew they wanted to become, in order to attract their dream partner. While it is absolutely normal and healthy to have preferences when it comes to your romantic partner, if you’re looking for certain non-negotiable character traits in your significant other, you might want to try becoming those traits first.

6. “… I would make it a priority to put dates, connection time, and my relationship into my calendar more often.” The majority of my self-employed/entrepreneurial readers who responded to my question expressed an interest in prioritizing their significant other over their work more often. What is the easiest way to prioritize your relationship? Put them on the calendar more often. It may seem impersonal, but making an investment into your relationship a non-negotiable habit will only benefit you and your partner. Let them see that you hold them in as much high regard as the business you're trying to maintain.

7. “… I would quit hanging out with people that drain me in order to be a happier person.” This one surprised me more than most on this list, especially because it showed up in almost 40% of responders answers (which is fairly dense from a sample size of one hundred people). This point comes down to boundaries. People want to say “No” to things that they aren’t saying no to, and they are aware of the effect that it has on their daily levels of happiness. The person with the pleasant demeanor, or the one who is "as sweet as pie", usually compromises first just to keep the peace. What it does in the long run is moves you off your square more often than not, which leads to unhappiness, and unhappy people don’t make for good romantic partners. This leads me to the next point...

8. “… I would have realized when enough was enough, and gotten myself out sooner." Almost every person who had a story of what they thought was love, only to find out it was abusive, negative, controlling or just a bad match, didn't see or completely ignored the signs until it was too late. This comes down to lowering the standard you set early on in the relationship. I've said it before, everyone you meet at first is "the representative" of who they really are. Every potential partner dots every "i" and crosses every "t" and throws every skeleton as far into the closet  in order to be the person they want you to see at first to draw you to them. It's always a matter of time after you're drawn in, that the true person without the "dotted i or the crossed t" will come out. Remember, everyone loved the work and the mind of Dr. Jekyll, until Mr. Hyde showed up.    

9. “… I would kiss them like I mean it more often. I wouldn’t just go to work in the morning with a quick hug.” This point comes down to presence, and not taking their partner for granted. Many people said something along the lines of “I want to kiss them like I mean it in the mornings. I don’t just want to go through the motions with them. They deserve better than that.” To this I say, AMEN! Three minute hugs, deep connection exercises and real passionate kisses! I just love the taste and smell of intentionality early in the morning (and at all points throughout the day), it wakes you up so much more than coffee.

10. “… I would swallow my pride and look into therapy / couples counseling to work on my blocks to love / having the best relationship possible.” Last but certainly not least, many of my readers mentioned wanting not only to work through their specific roadblocks with their partner (or within themselves) but to do so with someone whose counsel they respected. Clearly this entire piece could fall under the category of ‘self-selection bias’ since I was asking a group of people who already read a lot of my relationship advice, but it was still good to hear that the ego/resistance was on their radar.

In every relationship, there will be joys and regrets, but it seems as if my sample survey really represents relationships as a whole. If you see yourself in this survey, I hope what you've read can help you...

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