The Lesson of Fatherhood

My son's 12th birthday is today, but last night he called me to tell me about his cake, his balloons, and the presents he received. I said to him "wow, you have a lot going on today for a guy whose birthday is tomorrow". He said "mom is thinking ahead because of the snowstorm coming". You see, Chicago will be in the middle of a potential 8 inch blizzard on his birthday, and mommy didn't want to be out trying to get things together in that kind of weather. I just had to grin and beam at her ingenuity, and have a moment of pride that she is his mom. So I wanted to type a little something out to show a little love to her, and all that she does. I know I may not be the best dad, and there were many days that I wouldn't even claim being a called a good dad. I'll never pat myself on the back for the little that I do, nor do I want to receive pats or cookies for it. It does come natural for me, although there are some who can do it better than I ever could. I Thank God that I had and still have a fatherhood model to work from. The greatest teacher I've ever had is my dad. In watching and listening to him all these years, he credits my mom for doing the heavy lifting in raising 5 kids while he was out working. And as I write this, I proudly take the lesson I learn from him and easily credit LaShaun for her role in our son's life.

Nobody ever said being a dad would be easy (and if they did, they’re lying). Sometimes we struggle. Sometimes we fall down. Sometimes we are imperfect men. But if we are to raise strong children and maintain strong families, we as men have to persevere through the difficult times. I chronicle my struggles as a dad, a husband, and a man on this blog, and while some days seem quite dark, I vow never to give up. In fact, I’ve known dark days, and I’ve had failures as a father and a husband. But I decided that I would not be defeated by my problems. My faith in God, my determination to fight for my family, and my dedication to exorcising my own demons helped me to rise from the depths of despair. And you can do it too. Men, if you’re in the midst of a struggle right now, don’t give up. Keep fighting. Keep pressing forward. Dig deep inside yourself and find the strength to overcome. You have the power to emerge victorious because your family is worth the effort.

Sadly, it doesn’t take much thought or intention to make a baby. Maybe if it did, people would consider the consequences of their actions more seriously. Maybe they might even spend more time taking themselves seriously. Becoming a father is a matter of biology (procreation 101), but becoming DAD is a determined decision! Its the trial and error, day-in and day-out effort a man makes and sticks to for the long haul. It is taking the good with the bad, and the joyous with the absolutely dreaded. It would be nice to have big muscles, have skin as tough as steel, or be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound like Superman. I used to dream daily of being able to stick to walls like Spider-Man and own The Bat-Mobile, but this just wasn’t in the cards for me, but even if I could it wouldn’t matter. As a dad, it really doesn’t matter what you look like. You can be short, tall, skinny or fat. Being a dad means wearing the hats of protector, provider, servant, administrator, caregiver and (gasp) even nurturer.There are days when you have the luxury of choice over what hat to wear, but then there are those days when the hat chooses you. Being a dad is singularly THE greatest and most meaningful experiences a man can ever have. But without out a doubt, it is also THE most challenging. If we knew what we were in for at the onset, to be in charge of another human life, guiding and grooming it from infancy to adulthood, I wager most of us would never sign up. I thank God that ignorance is bliss, and we get to learn and master our craft one day at a time.

 

Men were made to be bold and strong leaders, however our society has attempted to repress these traits. If you look at the way men (especially dads) are portrayed on TV, you’d think we were all a bunch of irresponsible, befuddled, nincompoops, who can only function with the help of a “smart” female partner, friend, or spouse. Consequently, many boys are confused and have no idea what it takes to be a real man. They seek inappropriate role models and emulate the bad behavior that they see on a regular basis. It is our duty as men, fathers, and responsible citizens to counter these negative images and raise a new generation of men who are respectful, loving, and willing to contribute to society in a positive way. If we are to achieve this goal, we must start with improving ourselves. The greatest compliment that a father can get from his son is “I want to be just like you.” That kind of pressure forces you to examine your life and look for ways to improve....

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The Benefits of Making a Man Wait

Fact: Most men want sex whenever and however they can get it.

Fact: Many women will sleep with a man to try to gain – or keep - his interest.

Fact: It’s fairly easy for an attractive, desirable man to get sex, so many will reject a woman if she’s not ready to jump in the sack on the first few dates.

So what do you do when you’re someone who insists on being in a committed, monogamous relationship before getting intimate? How do you find a good guy who’s interested in more than just sex? This question comes from someone on Facebook. She asks:

“I feel like all I ever get are men who are just buying dinner and waiting for the right time to ask for SEX. Are there any men anymore that want a good healthy relationship, who want to share a life together and have the real thing??? Maybe MARRIAGE??? UGH!!! I’m so sick of all of it, I just want to stay by myself…am I alone in this???”

I understand your frustration but I can tell you with absolute certainty that there ARE good guys out there who are looking for a healthy relationship, commitment and marriage. It’s just a matter of attracting them, and you can do so by looking in the right places and being clear about who you are and what you’re looking for along the way. But wait, how EXACTLY do you do that? Let’s break it down.

TIP #1:  DON’T GO TO THE DESERT LOOKING FOR WATER. In other words, look for good guys where good guys hang out. If a serious relationship is your goal, then don’t waste your precious time in bars, clubs, or on websites like “OnlineBootyCall.com” (it really exists, no kidding.) Most likely, the men you’ll meet in these places are looking  for the “low-hanging fruit” also known as women who will hop into bed with them quickly and easily, without the man having to put forth much effort. More on the “low-hanging fruit” theory in a bit. So where CAN you expect to find better quality men? Attending places and events that are significant or meaningful to you is a great way to come in contact with guys who share similar interests and ideals.

• VOLUNTEER OR CHARITY WORK - Think about it: you’ve been meaning to do some volunteering anyway, so it’s a good, positive use of your free time. The BONUS just happens to be that there might be some goodhearted single guys there. Generally, selfish and mean people don’t gravitate toward doing good works, so you can be pretty sure that the men you meet aren’t jerks. That’s better than you can say for the ones you meet in a bar!

• THROUGH YOUR RELIGIOUS OR SPIRITUAL ORGANIZATION - If you are a spiritual person, this same principle applies to meeting men at church, temple, a religious singles’ group, yoga/meditation class, etc. Not only is it likely that you’ve found a worthy date, but you might also be surprised at how much quicker you can bond with someone who already shares your values.

• SOCIAL CLUBS - Social clubs are also good places to meet guys who share similar interests with you. For example, one of my friends is really into motorcycles (it’s not my thing yet, and I want to learn, but she loves it). She joined a biking club just for fun, and on an outing she met a biker dude who she really hit it off with. A few months later when the club took a weekend trip, the two of them rode off into the sunset

• CLASSES - Don’t forget classes, too. Taking a creative writing seminar, signing up for kickboxing lessons, and enrolling at a continuing education class at your local university are all good avenues to meet men who are interested in learning something new and improving themselves (always good traits to have!).

• THE DOG RUN - Another place to meet good men is at the dog run of your local park.  Guys who love animals are just more loving people all around.  Of course it’s always better if you have a dog to bring. Nothing is a better icebreaker than a little butt-sniffing, and I mean between your dog and their dog. Even if you don’t ave a dog, you can still stop by to watch the puppies frolic. If you see a man who looks interesting there, it can’t hurt to ask him about his dog. Try something like, “Is that a boxer? I’m thinking of getting a dog but I don’t know what breed. Do boxers bark much?” and see where the conversation takes you.

TIP #2: DON’T ROT WITH THE LOW-HANGING FRUIT; BE PROUD TO BE THE SHINY APPLE AT THE TOP OF THE TREE. The truth is, most men do want sex whenever and however they can get it. But for the many good guys out there, the ultimate prize is an intimate relationship with a woman whom they have a deep and meaningful commitment. The right man will respect your values, cherish you as a person, and willingly wait for the right time to be intimate with you, when you’re ready. So as frustrating as it might be to waste a Saturday night with someone whom you thought you had a good connection, only to realize that he suggested the lobster dinner in hopes that’d get you in the sack, look on the bright side. By politely refusing sex and letting a man know that you’re waiting for a committed, monogamous relationship, you’re applying a great litmus test. If he runs for the hills...good riddance! He’s clearly not worthy of you. If he sticks around and continues to pursue you, while respecting your boundaries, then you can be pretty sure this guy is a good catch.

Low-hanging fruit may be easy, but eventually easy gets boring. Most men love a good challenge, and when you stand up for your beliefs and refuse to fall into bed with just anyone, it sets you apart from all the women out there who will. The good men who are looking for a relationship and a wife, will be thrilled to meet a woman like you. True intimacy is something that is built with trust and shared experiences over time and can’t be created through sex alone. When you’re in a committed relationship with someone who cherishes you, you’ll both know that it was worth the wait...

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