The Good Me vs. The Bad Me

I am a part of group on Facebook that I consider family. I mean, when you become so transparent to the point of total exposure, you better consider them family. We have a lot of fun, and truth telling, which I guess you can call fun because we really get to the bottom line in everyone's lives without all the tap dancing around the issues or questions. I'm telling you this because every Tuesday there are a series of questions asked, and people in the group are required to answer them truthfully. We call it "Tell the Truth Tuesday". 

A question was asked on a truth telling Tuesday...as a matter of fact, two questions were asked on consecutive Tuesdays that has me pondering them a little more deeper here than I could there: 

1. Do nice guys finish last?

2. Good girl/guy, or bad girl/guy, which would you rather have/be? 

To be honest, my answer to the first question was: "As long as I finish, who cares what place I come in?" I answered the second question with: "I've been both, and I've had both, but at this stage, I'd rather have and be good." Two very clear answers, or so I thought. But after a week of processing and maybe obsessing over it as well, my very real answer now comes with an explanation. 

Once upon a time I was all about me, and although some may think there aren't many days that are not about me, these days were different...VERY different. Any time I met a woman, I would let her know I was damaged goods and could only give her me with little to almost no emotion at all. I often referred to myself as a closed door, which symbolized whether or not I felt like letting anything or anyone in. Most times I was closed off and cold, but even then women worked over-time trying to change me. Ironically, no matter how much wrong I did, I could do no wrong. I just assumed they saw something better in me, boy was I wrong!

Fast forward to present day me, I’ve come full circle from back then, and I'm back to the "Good Guy" I was before I got my feelings hurt. However, now the same women who were so attracted to me then are no where to be found now. I first thought it was that I had run them off, or maybe it was karma, or maybe I brought this on myself, or that God had one hell of a sense of humor. Whatever it was I couldn’t figure it out.

So here I was, looking for a Good Woman with a flashlight in the daytime, while guys who are like the bastard I was found them with ease. Could it be that what I been hearing is right?? That good guys finish last, and women want a bad boy?? Well...

For a long time I’ve been trying to figure this out. Some of the same women that said they couldn’t find Mr. Right, found him and left him for Mr. Wrong. Damn you Mary J. Blige! I’ve heard everything from "he wasn’t a challenge", to "that’s just not what I want". Have we been brain washed into thinking the same things that make us good men, also make us weak men? Is it possible for me to love a woman and still be strong? The fact that I can treat a woman right should not disqualify me, but these days seems it does.

So there you have it, but my little confession doesn't stop there. I know there are other men who silently feel the same way, but will never get the chance to tell their story. My question to you, just like it was asked to me that Tuesday is this: Do nice guys finish last? Do you prefer the bad or the good guy/girl?  Come on, tell the truth...

Dating and Marriage with HIV (World AIDS Day)

The numbers of those living with it and those dying from it are staggering , but the ignorance is just as mind blowing as the numbers are. Today is World AIDS Day, and as man, a father, a blogger, and more importantly a recently tested man, father and blogger, it is a matter of life and death that you get tested. I figure the best thing I could do today while talking about the issue of Dating and Marriage with HIV is leave you with information to ponder...

Dating and Marriage - If you are living with HIV, you may be wondering whether you can ever date or get married. The answer is: “Yes!” It’s true that the issue of having a sexual relationship with a partner can cause anxiety when you are living with HIV. But you have to remember—“living with HIV” means just that...LIVING! Having HIV does not prevent you from dating or marrying—it just may require a little more responsibility and trust from you and your partner.

When Should You Tell Someone You Have HIV? - Disclosing your HIV-positive status to a potential intimate partner may be one of the most personal and stressful situations you will face. But when that information is shared, you and your partner can both make informed choices about safer sex, including using condoms and medicines that prevent and treat HIV.  

There is no “right” way to disclose, but here are some tips that can help you:

• Don’t wait until the heat of the moment to start talking about HIV. It’s better to talk about it earlier than later—certainly before you have sex.
• Some people living with HIV have suggested that it helps to talk about your status earlier in the relationship than later. Disclosing you are HIV-positive after you’ve become close to someone can cause your partner to feel as though you have kept something important from him or her.
• Don’t force it. Find the right time and place to have a conversation. You can schedule a time to talk or have spontaneous conversations in a setting where you are comfortable.
• Try scheduling regular check-ins or “talkiversaries.” The key to having a healthy relationship is having an open dialogue throughout the relationship. It can be hard to find the right time to bring these things up. If you agree to schedule them in advance, no one has to wonder about the timing of the conversations.
• A conversation does not have to be face-to-face. Whether you talk, type, or text, what is important is that you start the conversation about HIV.

Need more? The CDC’s Start Talking. Stop HIV. campaign has information and resources as well as practical tips for starting conversations about safe sex and HIV. Also, it’s important to keep in mind that many states have laws that require you to tell your sexual partners if you are HIV-positive before you have sex (anal, vaginal, or oral). In some states, you can be charged with a crime if you don’t tell your partner your HIV status, even if your partner doesn’t become infected. Learn more about state HIV-specific criminal laws.

In addition, to promote safe and voluntary HIV disclosure and address the barriers that may prevent some people living with HIV from disclosing their status, the President’s Advisory Council on HIV/AIDS (PACHA) and the CDC/HRSA Advisory Committee on HIV, Viral Hepatitis and STD Prevention and Care (CHAC) have issued Joint Recommendations on Safe and Voluntary Disclosure of HIV in the United States.

You can read the rest by clicking this link for the AIDS.gov website on this topic, and since this is World AIDS Day, the 18 countries around the world that read this blog can get tested no matter where you are. I take pride in taking part in the most important relationship lesson of our lifetime by participating in this HIV/AIDS awareness campaign. 

I hope you keep this information in mind, until there is a cure...

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