Five Reactions Men Have When You Tell Them You're Waiting

You’ve been there before: You meet a guy that you like (or a guy that was persistent), you’re hanging out with him (like on a date), and at some point you feel compelled to bring up the fact that you’re waiting till marriage to have sex. In fact, you want to bring it up because you’re secretly hoping that he’ll be supportive, or worst case at least you want him to know what he’s getting into. Men and women have certain reactions after hearing there will be no sex until you're married. I shared with you how a woman reacts, now lets look into how men take the news. In my experience, a man's reaction fall within one of these five ranges.

1. Put off - This look you'll see reflects the thought in his head: “ugh, seriously?” Then he runs a mile away, cuts off all contact, and avoids you like the plague. You should realize that he really isn’t worth any of your time if you aren’t worth any of his. You can tell from his reaction that he was much more interested in sex than in any kind of emotional connection. This often represents immaturity and shallowness on his part. You’re not just a body that can be used for his entertainment and pleasure. Some girls might be OK with that, but not you. You’re a human being who deserves the time and effort to be spoken to and loved for who you are. He is the one who will be missing out on the opportunity to be with someone a lot more special than most others. Of course, he’ll never know it. He’ll run away and find lots of casual sex partners of varying quality, and then one day when he’s older, he will start craving emotional connection. But that deeper side of him will be so under-developed that he’ll stumble awkwardly through relationships and marriage. When you meet him again ten years from now, you will be very glad he did you the favor of running away.

2. Scared - You can almost see the hamster wheel turning in his mind. He is scared of the prospect of being with someone who is going to withhold sex. He’s scared that he will be missing out on something that he’s grown accustomed to, and that the relationship won’t be what he wants it to be. Often, he will think that he can handle it, and then in a few weeks the realization hits him that this is real and not going to change, and it just can’t work for him. Give him points for trying, but you don’t want to be with someone who isn’t able to connect with you on an emotional level.

3. Bad Boy Confidence - He thinks that your “I’m waiting till marriage” stance is just a phase, or something you have said to play hard to get — nothing his charm and personality can’t alter. Beware of these guys! He can be tricky to deal with and will hide his motives very well. He may manage to lead you on for a very long time and after a while of getting nowhere, this previously confident fellow will suddenly realize that you were serious and in which case he can no longer be bothered with the chase. The first sign to spotting a fake is the fact that he tends to go along with it too much. For instance, he will tell you everything you want to hear, such things as, “I have even considered it myself” and “I think it is a wonderful idea.” The thing is, it isn’t just an idea that suddenly came to you in a dream. It is a belief and a strong thing you strive to achieve. It's becoming clear to you that he doesn’t truly understand your own motives. You are who you are and you should be proud of that.

Don’t feel silly for falling for his charm, it happens to the best of them. You have that experience under your belt and now you will find it easier to recognize guys that are leading you on. Learn from it and grow as a person because of it. It is possible that he has hurt you and made you feel worthless, but always remember that you are not worthless. You just weren’t meant to be that person. On the other hand, if it isn’t love from the right person that makes him see the error of his ways, then he will get his comeuppance elsewhere…maybe someone will break his heart or he will simply be run over by a car. Who knows, right?

4. Confused - This can probably be the best kind because it means he isn’t fully aware of your beliefs, but you can explain it to him and he can understand and will most likely respect you for it. He may even stick around because he only likes you for you and you’re worth more to him than sexual pleasures. He may even be willing to wait with you and for you. The only negative is that because he has never come across this belief, there is a chance he could reject it and if he stays with you there is a possibility that he will want another form of release outside of sex. It's a great opportunity to explain your values to a guy with an open mind, who is more willing to understand something you hold dear to you, and who will more than likely appreciate you all the more for it. If he does want something outside of sex, that is always a personal decision, so never let yourself feel pressured into it or like he deserves it because he is ‘putting up’ with the no sex until marriage. It is still your body, not their toy.

5. Respect and Agreement - You’re striking gold when you come across this man! Often the guys who give you this look will really respect your decision, wish they had done it themselves or become more attracted to you because you want to wait. From my experience, the people who give you this reaction will turn out to be some of your closest friends or the most wonderful boyfriend. You are more unique and intriguing to that person and stand out from modern society. It is also a very attractive quality so stand by what you believe in. If that person is truly right for you, then they too will stand right beside you and your beliefs!

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Five Reactions Women Have When You Tell Them You're Waiting

A few days ago, I was asked to contribute with the male perspective on "The Good Life" radio show with Russelyn Williams. The question: Are men afraid to say that they are virgins or waiting until marriage to have sex? I wouldn't say that men are fearful, because if he is sold on the idea of waiting until he is married, then there is no fear involved anymore. My concern is for how she will take it when he breaks the news to the woman that he’s waiting until marriage to have sex. Secretly, men would hope that she’ll enthusiastically reveal that she’s waiting too, but this is statistically unlikely. So how will she react? In my experience, the reactions of women fall within one of these five ranges. I talked about two of them on the show, but I created five reactions women have today, and I'll give the five reactions men have on Monday.

1. Shame/Embarrassment - Most women begin their lives with noble ideas about waiting, abstinence, and love, and then later they find themselves having to abandon them. When you tell her that you’re waiting, she suddenly remembers all of the values, ideals, and fantasies that she didn’t end up following through on, and some part of her feels like she failed her younger self’s vision of the world, sometimes making her sad and a little embarrassed. The good news is that if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t assign you enough importance to evaluate herself against your ideals. And if she didn’t deeply respect your decision, she would feel no guilt about not choosing it for herself. If you encounter this reaction, try not to make her feel worse. Do what you can to break the tension and show her that her lack of commonality in that area isn’t a deal-breaker for you. It’s not something you meant to shove in her face; just something you want her to be aware of and hopefully be OK with.

2. Bad Girl Confidence - If she really likes you, but doesn’t particularly respect your decision to wait, she may decide that your waiting status is only a minor obstacle for her; a challenge easily overcome by her feminine powers. She may try to logic you out of waiting, she may try to slyly drop hints at the fun you could have, and she may do these things while being on top of you (figuring that it’s easier to convince you when your big head is turned off). Enjoy the ride, but you should know that ultimately this girl may not be satisfied if she can’t break your resolve. If you remain committed to waiting, she may reevaluate her decision to enter into a relationship with you once she realizes that you are actually serious about the waiting thing.

3. Fake Enthusiasm/Excessive Praise - You tell her that you’re waiting till marriage and she jumps through the ceiling with praise and excitement. She doesn’t believe you, so she triple verifies: You’re serious? Never? For real? She’s amazed. She’s never met anybody like you. She totally agrees with those values. Sexual virtue is really important to her too and she’s so glad that it’s so important to you. She reiterates how important it is to her. She’s practically just like you, she says. Your waiting is no problem at all for her. She wants you, not sex! She’s more than happy to creatively work around whatever line you’ve drawn when it comes to physical stuff. And then two weeks later she drops off the face of the earth and avoids you completely. This leaves you confused, because you thought she was so accepting about it. Waiting until marriage is a serious decision. She’s telling herself that it can work with you waiting, but she subconsciously knows that it can’t. Later, as her mind begins to accept the reality of what your decision to wait means, she will grow less and less OK with it. Do not mourn this loss. Most likely, you did not have a lot in common with this girl in the first place.

4. Tortured Disappointment - This one hurts. She likes you, she respects your decision to wait, but she’s a very physical and emotional girl. Sex is a part of relationships that she’s grown accustomed to, and she needs that connection to feel fulfilled. With regret, she downgrades you to the friend zone, but she feels like a monster for doing it. Getting this reaction from a girl you really like may make you question your decision to wait. All of your senses tell you that waiting until marriage just cost you a chance with a great woman, and by some measures, that’s exactly what happened. Ultimately it’s an issue of affection and personality difference. If she was a slightly different person, she could wait with you. If she liked you just a little more, she could wait. But based on her current personality and mid-grade affections for you, she just can’t. There are other women who would be happy to wait with you. Those women are the ones who have more similar values to your own and like you more than this tortured woman does. You may very well be happier with them, but that doesn’t make this one any less painful. There’s a slight chance in hell that the tortured woman would come around to taking a shot with you as she gets older and continues to like and respect you, but don’t hold your breath. Move on. Most likely, you only morn the relationship that you thought you could have had with her…not necessarily the one you would have actually had. Be realistic about your other differences and you’ll feel better.

5. Relief - You’re on easy street if you get this reaction. As wonderful as it is to find another celibate person, it’s usually anti-climatic when you first find out that you’re both waiting. It’s more often a “Hey neat we’re both waiting” reaction than it is the “Oh my God I’ve searched the world for another and I’ve finally found one” that you were expecting. It’s very rare that you will be completely surprised when you find out that a girl you’re interested in is also waiting. Some part of you kind of picks up on it in advance, usually. And the same can probably be said for her picking up on your waiting status in advance. Even if you don’t date this girl, you’ve found a kindred spirit out there in the world and it will leave you forever changed, in a positive way. You’ll learn much from your commonalities, but just because she shares that crucial quality doesn’t mean you are otherwise compatible. Of course, more often than not you will be very compatible with a girl who is also waiting. Dating a woman who is also waiting is easy and wonderful for plenty of reasons. First of all, you will have virtually no hang-ups about her past. Second, you will have similar values about far more than just sex.

In my experience, it is not the one who instantly praises your decision to wait that will end up being in a long-term relationship with you; it’s the one who takes the news seriously and hardly responds at all (outwardly). When you tell a girl you’re waiting and she barely reacts, it can mean that she’s accepted your waiting status and decided to try dating you anyway. You will often get this reaction from girls who know about your waiting status in advance. Keep in mind though that just because she put more effort in than many other girls doesn’t mean that she’s immune to the pressure of wanting what she’s grown accustomed to in relationships (sex). Give her all the credit in the world for waiting on you, but don’t try to convert her to waiting on her own. Enjoy a great relationship with someone who is very, very interested in you...

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Five Relationships You'll Have Before You Get Married

Behind every married man or woman, there usually can be found a number of people who at some point thought they might be the one, but were lost along the way. We rarely talk about these relationships, these stepping stones to the altar, because ultimately marriage is the holy grail of relationships. Once you hit that relationship pinnacle, everything that came before it seems to pale in comparison. But those relationships deserve better because without them, there’s a good chance that we never would have been able to recognize the real thing when we found it. Over the years, I noticed that out of all of the different iterations of romantic relationships there are, five stand out to me as the ones we have before we get married. After I listened to some songs I had shuffled in my phone on Google Play for a little inspiration, this post identifies each one in no particular order, and I'll discuss why they’re important.

#5 The "I Know" Relationship (Jay-Z)

Have you ever been addicted to another human being? Ever had someone who you could not bring yourself to not be around regardless of how healthy or unhealthy being around that person might be. Sometimes, the chemistry between you and another person mixes in such a way that it just seems impossible to separate yourself from that person. The weird part is that you might not even be particularly attracted to them, you might not be that fond of their personality and they might not even be that great in bed. Still though, you can’t seem to get away.  I’ve been in an addictive relationship before. The kind where you keep going back to each other despite your relationship status. The addictive relationship is important because it’s a reminder that you are human. It’s a reminder that you’re capable of inexplicable attraction, and that feeling has you trippin, nose wide open…it’s your addiction and the only way to break it is to avoid it.

#4 The "Rolling In The Deep" Relationship (Adele)

We all would like to say that we have no regrets in life. We pretend that we wouldn’t change anything that happened to us, because doing so would prevent us from becoming the person we are today. I hear all that and it sounds nice, but I’m pretty sure that I would have turned out alright even if I took back one or two previous relationships.  If there’s not a person in your life that you wish you never fell for, there’s a good chance that you’re the person someone wishes they never fell for. I know that for one person on this Earth, I’m the person she wishes she never fell for. I’ve promised myself I’d never write a post about her, but what I will say is that from that relationship I learned that it’s completely possible to love someone who doesn’t love you and will never love you. Loving someone that doesn’t love you was by far then, and is by far now, the most impossibly pointless endeavor anyone can ever find themselves sucked into. Usually when you finally pull yourself away from it, you realize that you learned something, gained nothing, and lost everything all at the same time. When the scars of your love remind you of the fact that you could have had it all and didn’t, you’ll probably wish you had never met that person. On a personal note, this was about the most I've ever expressed about that relationship, and that's about all I'll say about it. Wow...let's move on.

#3 The "Freakin You" Relationship (Jodeci)

It’s completely possible to marry "the best you’ve ever had" but most likely you won’t. This is something that a lot of people will never admit to, but for most of us, there’s one person who will always have the only key to unlocking certain carnal sides of our nature. These are the parts of our bedroom personalities that we never knew existed until we found ourselves letting them loose with that one person. It could be a number of things, I’m not going to get to listing them here, but let your imagination run for a little bit. Think about that thing you did that time that you never thought you’d do, but also know you’ll never do with the person you marry. Some things are just in the DNA of some relationships and other things are not. When the DNA of a particular relationship includes the best sex you’ve ever had and ever will have, it’s hard for you to deny each other when the opportunity presents itself – but you have to.

#2 The "Best Friend" Relationship (Muziq Soulchild)

It’s really common for a man and woman to develop a friendship, and then have that friendship develop in to a romantic relationship. In my mind, this is actually the ideal way for a relationship to be born. But every so often, the opposite happens. You meet someone and begin dating them with the explicit understanding from jump, that the relationship is romantic in nature; but somewhere along the line you realize you guys make a terrible couple but awesome friends. If most of the time, you argue and fight, learn to make that person your best friend. The thing that’s great about this kind of relationship is that you can use your fiend as the prototype for your future mate. You want someone who has all of the things that make them best friend worthy, but none of the stuff that makes the two of you incompatible. Plus, they know you better than your friends know you because in attempting to date them, they saw a side of you that your friends never see and they can share that with their friends who might be actually be perfect for you. They’ll be your biggest spokesperson consistently championing your awesomeness. 

#1 The "I Guess I'll See You Next Lifetime" Relationship (Erykah Badu)

There’s something wonderfully heartbreaking about meeting a person who’s perfect for you at a time in your lives when that perfection can not be explored. It's like a window of opportunity that the two of you always seem to miss. You're in a relationship...but they're not. You just broke up with someone...but they just got married. Just missed opportunities by no fault of your own, but the timing between the two of you just wasn't right. In the movies, love is worth moving mountains, uprooting lives, breaking hearts and whatever other sacrifice needs to be made for the guy and girl to end up together. In real life, it ain’t that type of party. Real life is hella real, and sometimes fate just isn’t on your side. You can’t always give up everything for love. The good thing is, these sorts of relationships can end up being beautiful when you end up finding someone who makes you just as happy. When you do, you’re left with no regrets but instead warm memories of these near-love stories that you look forward to sharing with your kids when they’re old enough to understand life’s complexities.

Where do YOU stand in this list of five? Have you had any of the above relationships? If so, how have they helped you as you’ve progressed further on down the line toward settling down? Are you in one of these relationships right now? Let's share, or reminisce in the comment below...

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I Can't Make Anyone Love Me...And Neither Can You

The moment you realize that the person you care about doesn’t feel the same way about you can be a hard pill to swallow. Many times you will overly blame yourself or overly blame the other person, when it simply might be a deeper personal issue. Sometimes, happiness can seem like an esoteric thing all of us strive for every day.  People ascertain happiness in their own way and ideals. These things can change and evolve over time. Have you ever been with someone and you tried your damnest to make them happy? When it comes to relationships, we strive to make the other person happy, or we try to make their walk on this Earth a little better. One of the most important things I have learned over the years is that if someone doesn’t love who they are, there is nothing you can do to make them happier or to love you.

I know the concept sounds simple but let me put it into perspective. In relationships, if we truly care for the person we want them to be happy, because their happiness is important to us. Cynics may say that we want them to be happy because making them happy gives us satisfaction, but that’s not where I am going with this post. Internal struggle is one of the biggest wars we fight every day. The fight between who you are and where you are going is constant. It takes some effort to be happy with who we are. And let’s keep it real, we all aren’t walking around happy with ourselves every day. With that being said, we as people can care for someone so much, that we want happiness for them more than they want happiness for themselves.

Relationships go through their ups and downs and I am by no means saying just because the person isn’t acting the way you want them to that they have don’t love themselves. People go through their own trials and tribulations and this reflects on their relationships with those around them. We can tell when a person is in bad place in their life, and many times we put on our cape and try to save them. Some things people do have no explanation, and many times don’t have a damn thing to do with us. We can try to prove our love and be there for them, but it doesn’t matter what you do or say because if they aren’t happy with their situation or who they are, you will never be able to satisfy them. They may even say to themselves that you aren’t doing enough or that it may be something wrong with you, (it very well could be a compatibility thing) but at the core of it all, they may not be happy with who they are. We can never know the true demons some people are conquering in their life and we have to understand that we can only do so much to prove our love or prove we are the one to make them happy. It’s hard to understand the difference and duplicity between those two ideas; mix that in with someone who is unhappy with whom they are and it can become a tense situation. When it comes to relationships, the hardest thing to do is to truly see the other person’s perspective. For instance, when a person continuously disrespects our feelings, we have to look at who they are instead of who we want them to be. We sometimes push our wants on a person instead of seeing what we need or can really get from the person.

We all hate when someone takes our love for granted, but maybe it has nothing to do with us. I have always believed that a person’s actions show how their heart really feels. I believe this to be nothing but the truth. But one of the biggest questions is how can a person show love if they don’t even love themselves? After thinking about that question, then also ask yourself: Do I love myself enough to accept love?

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Where Are They Hiding All The Good Men?

There are a few things that really upset me, like the assumptions women make about men. They are blanket assumptions that are complete double standards because men never do the same to women. These assumptions typically show their ugly face in a conversation and good men tend to write off those women as hopeless, scorned or damaged. The assumptions always start with, “Well, you’re a man” or they end with “because you’re a man.” And each time men hear it, we cringe. Especially if we’re nothing like the type of man she’s describing.

The other day I figured out what happens to good men. I get asked all the time where are the good men, and I struggle with an answer because I’ll think to myself, “I know a lot of good men, but where are they at?” I tell most women, “Good men are everywhere, but the problem is people only notice the loudest people in the room.” I don’t always mean loud in volume either. Loud can be the person talking the loudest or the person who tries to control every conversation. Loud can also be the one who spends the most money, wears the flashiest outfits, or generally does everything in their power to keep the spotlight on them. Then the next thing I will say about good men and why women can’t find them is that as soon as a woman says something that comes across as hopeless, scorned or damaged, most good men stop talking and hide. They may not leave the room but you better believe they’ll do everything in their power to make sure that you can’t find them. That’s the problem with those assumptions...when you make an assumption that’s wrong, it always backfires.

Statements like: “All men cheat.” Well, all men do not cheat. There are a ton of men out there who will never allow themselves to be in a relationship with someone they feel they may cheat on. The presumption is what really begins to weigh heavily on a good man. It’s almost like he has to live the life of a convicted felon. A woman is suspecting that he may do something based on his past, but unfortunately there’s nothing in this man’s past to suggest that’s what he would do.

Statements like: “Men will sleep with anything.” This is perhaps the most dangerous assumption affecting relationships in the entire world. It’s simply not true. I pride myself in not sleeping with just anything. I know plenty of good men who think the same way as I do, “I could, but I mean would it really be worth it?” As you get older you learn that not every woman needs to be slept with, and that you can avoid a lot of distraction and drama by thinking things through before going that route. Again, the presumption lets a good man know how you view men.

Statements like: “Men want women to submit to them.” I’m sure there are some men who want a woman to “submit” to them, but I’ve talked about this before and I’ll say it again; men don’t want some deaf mute woman who will go in the kitchen and never be heard from again. They want a partner, but they want a partner who has the ability to allow them to lead, or at least bear the responsibility of the lead even if it’s more of a partnership. To this point, not all men want women to submit, some are perfectly happy to have their women lead. And on the other side, some men see things as a partnership but know that they bear the responsibility of the lead.

Statements like: “Men don’t like strong women, they want a weak woman who isn’t going to challenge them.” Good men do not like super submissive women. They are not good women, and good men aren’t attracted to bad women. They may be tricked or deceived into dating one, but that’s not something he seeks. It’s also disrespectful to accuse someone of being unable to handle a strong woman. Most good men don’t have problems with strong women because they are very strong in their own right. It’s just an assumption that leads to nowhere nice.

Just to even it out I’ll tell you something that pushes good men away too.

Statements like: “A man should love me for me and not try and change me.” Want to know a good magic trick? If you claim to be a good woman and you ever say this aloud, every good man you think you see or hope to know in the room will disappear. He will run and hide because there is just so much wrong with this statement. First, a man cannot and should not change you, but you should always want to be bettering yourself. No one says this statement about any of the good characteristics, but it’s always about the flaws or not so attractive characteristics that they have. This statement almost always removes you from the ability to be considered a good woman because it’s typically a dead giveaway that you’re complacent or you just don’t think there’s anything that you need to work on. Whatever the case may be, in a crowded room when those words are stated, it’s over for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that good men are all around you but they’re hiding in the same room as you. You may consider yourself to be a good to great woman, you may even consider yourself to be a bad girl. I just think that most times when women say they can’t find a good man, it’s indicative of the fact that they’ve already shown the good men in the room that the women in that same room aren’t worth their time. I guess my point with this post is to make sure you aren’t missing out on your blessing because you don’t know when to hold back or switch up your perspective...

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Being Too Comfortable In Your Relationship, Part 2

I was taking a class related to economics, and the professor said something to the class that immediately clicked with me. I barely ever take notes since I’m an auditory learner, but I just had to write this one down:

"The moment you’re satisfied with success, the next day you’ll find yourself on the streets".

Since the class is about strategic management, this was of course referring to businesses. The main point was that the number one priority of a business is to survive by staying ahead of the competition. If a business ever becomes complacent with their current standing in the market, a harder-working competitor is going to find a way to not only surpass it, but to completely replace it in the industry. What my professor said really resonated with me because, in my current relationship, I’ve learned over and over again that becoming complacent (getting too comfortable and lazy) will negatively affect a relationship in several ways.

The moment we sit back and think with a complacent smirk on our faces, “I am satisfied with where I am in this relationship. I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend now, so I can finally relax”, that’s when things start to fall apart. It’s easy to blame women for not “letting” us relax, but in truth we are not being ourselves when we are not moving forward. It is the nature of the universe for things to change, and as men we have a responsibility to continuously make things better. We need to continuously improve ourselves and everything else in our lives. On a higher level, we have a responsibility to make the world a better place. Becoming complacent with where we currently stand is to deny our masculine nature and destiny. If we stop moving forward, the women in our lives lose respect for us and begin to foster contempt toward us because they feel betrayed. Until the point of complacency, they’ve seen us move forward with masculine drive. Through our progressive actions, we promised them that we would be men that they could depend on. Denying our responsibility as men would be to regress back into the position of a boy. If we promise our partners that we would be men, but end up becoming boys, how do you think they would feel?

A relationship is like a business because they both need constant “market research” so to speak, and continuous improvement. Being replaced by harder-working competition in business also has its analogical manifestation in relationships. If you get complacent, your partner will start to notice that your competition looks more and more attractive, or that there must be others out there who will satisfy him or her better. The grass is always greener on the other side, after all. The same applies to both men and women. Think about it, if your girlfriend started to relax and get lazy, what would you do? If she stops wearing makeup around you, that would be an example of her getting complacent on the outside. If she stops making a mental effort of appreciating the things you do for her, that would be an example of getting complacent on the inside. If she stops making a physical effort in bed by simply lying on the bed while you do all the work, that would be an example of her getting complacent with sex. How would you feel if this happened to you?

We should never allow ourselves to get comfortable. One of the main lessons from pickup artists is that you should constantly push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Just because you’ve “settled down” with someone in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you get to relax. You still need to do what it takes to make the relationship survive, just like how you need to constantly invest in your business so that it can survive in a competitive market...

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The Marriage Advice I Wished I Had

Here is a rare moment blogging moment. While I'm at home completely dazed and confused from cold medicine, I decided to put out a second blog today. I might be bored out of my mind, or maybe the NyQuil is winning out, but I was thinking of random relationship stuff and I typed this out when I normally I use a speaking software  I guess I'm too nasal for it to recognize what I'm trying to say. Anyway, I’m not that much of a relationship expert, but there’s something about going through a divorce that gives you perspective of things you wish you would have done different. After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 12 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had. It's advice that I probably did have at one point, but I can admit that I was probably too selfish and stubborn to acknowledge it at that time.

#12 ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

#11 FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

#10 BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share everything, especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, and part of that courage is allowing her to love your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK. If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

#9 GIVE HER SPACE. Women are so good at giving and giving, and sometimes they will need to be reminded to take time to nurture themselves. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing….(okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point). Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered.

#8 DON’T BE AN IDIOT. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes, and so will she. Try not to make too big of a mistake, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid. 

#7 BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client, because SHE IS your most valuable client.

#6 BE SILLY. Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh, and make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

#5 Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you. DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

#4 IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER. Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

#3 FALL IN LOVE OVER, and OVER, and OVER again! You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

#2 PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

#1 Never stop courting, never stop dating, NEVER EVER take that woman for granted! When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love. 

 

In the end, marriage isn’t about the happily ever after, it’s about work, and a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happily ever after will come. These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again. When I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time. MEN, THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves at least that much from you.

I'm going back to bed now...

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Being Too Comfortable In Your Relationship, Part 1

I sent out a tweet and posted a facebook status over the weekend that said “too many people get being in love confused with being comfortable”. There are times when I’ll scroll down and read my timeline and one liners will stop me in my tracks. After reading what I sent out over and over, that tweet and status was one of those times that I had to stop. Everything I will say in this blog today, I pretty much thought of within minutes of sending that quote. There should be a clear distinction made here. We could all be better off being reminded of this from time to time.

We are creatures of habit. It is natural to become comfortable in our relationships, or our situationships, but when you love someone, comfort and love can become synonymous. It can be synonymous in your thought process, but in reality it isn’t really synonymous at all. To be specific, when I mention being comfortable, I’m referring to being complacent. You should absolutely be comfortable with who you’re with, but being complacent with your partner is detrimental.

Love is an emotion, AND it's a verb too. Love and complacency can’t coexist for long. They always clash. How many times have you asked someone why they’re still with someone even when they’re not happy? They usually say they love their partner. When this is said, I’m quite sure one of the participants in the relationship aren’t being an active member. Think of how you are when you’re in love. All you want to do is make your partner happy. You’d like to make their day easier, see them smile. Case in point: last week, The One had an old twisted up water hose rolled up on the side of her house. It would leak out water even when it wasn't being used, causing the ground next to her house to stay damp. I noticed it, replaced it with a hose that I had, and her ground dried up almost immediately. She called me to thank me for replacing it, and I told her to remember that day because love makes thing happen.  

Love elicits action. This action should be mutual. Too many people stay in messed up situations because they’re comfortable. No acts of love are present anymore. Some people stay in these relationships for fear of starting over. People aren’t willing to be vulnerable to rejection again. To that point, I say you have a decision to make. You can always choose to stay in a lackluster relationship. I would like to challenge you to not live life simply going through the motions. When you’re in love, you should feel the most alive. If you’re not excited to be with who you’re with, and they don’t bring you the vitality you deserve, then you need to end things. Life is short. That means we need to minimize our disappointments and miscues.

Being complacent will leave you unfulfilled. You don’t deserve that. What we all deserve is to be able to smile until our face hurts as often as possible. There are too many other things in life that leave us bogged down, your partner should not be one of them. Today, at the beginning of the week, I challenge you to be the love you’d like to feel. Challenge your partner to do the same. If they’re not with it, then tell them you have two words for them...I’m out! Take control of your life and happiness because it’s really all you’ve got...

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Don't Hate On A Blogger's Hustle

Inevitably, every blogger who is serious about blogging or writing will quickly find out they’re going to be extremely busy in order to be successful. Whether you’re writing or attending events, it’s going to complicate your life until it becomes your full-time gig, and even then self-promotion and branding is a lot of work. The second you’re not promoting yourself, someone else is promoting themselves, so for all intents and purposes, saturation is the name of the game. Let me go ahead and leave a personal note here; let’s say you want to have a private life with all this going on. Here’s what doesn’t really work well; trying to maintain a job that can pay a bill or two, write and promote a blog, a bunch of random ratchets, fans, and wanting a woman in your life. When I was younger, I contemplated just remaining single until I got to where I wanted to be in life because it would allow me to focus. That plan was stupid as hell. Maybe it’s just me, but keeping up with more than one woman is tough and when the drama comes, (and it will come), that’s just a big headache. Essentially, what you realize is that you just need “a friend”. Just one or none. When trying to find this “friend,” I have a short list of requirements:

1. Don’t stress me out.
2. Don’t stress me out.

That’s really it. That’s all I really need to be a happy man. Most men feel this way too. Most women think they can do this, and for over half of y’all who are single and never been married, trust me it ain’t all that easy. Now if I should so happen to find all of this in a woman…that’s when the hard part starts. Everything is great between the two of you, and everything would be just fine if it would just remain the two of you. But trust me when I tell you, when you’re a blogger with a need to be in the spotlight to increase your hustle, it’s never just the two of you.

I don't disclose my relationship status anymore: My relationship status on Facebook has been blank, and I probably never will change it. The good thing about this is that only a few people who really know me, know what my relationship status. The only reason why I won’t change it is because I don’t trust my news feed and people always act crazy with relationship status updates. This doesn't cause any problem in my relationship because my significant other wouldn’t want me intentionally or unintentionally garnering any of the wrong type of attention. As it pertains to actually posting here on the blog, all I can say is if you are a reader, then you already know what my relationship status is. 

I have a publicly private life: This is something that you guys really have to know about me, I almost always talk about my current situation on this blog. I’d love to tell you why I feel the way I do about a lot of topics and issues that arise in relationships. I put my situation out here because it’s not just about me. As readers, you really want that information but when you honestly think about it, it’s not fair at all to expect you to open up about you and I don't open up to you about me or my situation.

I work hard at being alone: When I'm out and about and see a reader or a follower, they have a tendency to want to talk to me, and that's alright. They definitely mean well, but when you’re just trying to grab a few drinks, it can be a little overwhelming. I’ll find myself searching for places completely off the map so that I know I won’t be interrupted or disturbed. And really, it’s all about that look the company you're entertaining gives you when someone interrupts you, because in their mind you have control over the people you randomly bump into.

I'm different from the blogger in me: Those of you who've met me outside of the blog, and had a conversation with me have some sort of an idea. If not, this is basically what I look for in a healthy relationship; I like my relationship to be a refuge and escape from work and the persona that is the Cakeboss. For this very reason, I would probably never date someone who knows me just as Cakeboss, or as a blogger, or someone who is real heavy in the blogging circle. I love you all dearly, but I need to get away from it. As a blogger, Cakeboss is spontaneous, provoking, instigating, subscribing to a whole bunch of rules in the dating game, and a whole bunch of other stuff that inspires conversation on the Internet. When the laptop is turned off and Delvin comes on, I actually try to stay in my introvertive shell. I’m by no means boring, but I’m calm, cool and collected. I like communicating clearly and without having to be forced, but each situation is different and each one deserves a custom approach. The main takeaway without getting into much more detail about it is that Cakeboss and Delvin are different, and I believe to a certain point that they need to be.

When you’re balancing all that’s going on in your personal life with your professional life, at times, you’d much rather be drinking Ciroc and pineapple juice somewhere. I could elect to just not date, but that’s really not a viable option for me. I enjoy the benefits of dating; companionship, good conversation, somebody to do fun things with, and long walks on the beach between uploading drafts to Google's Blogsopt. Of course it’s a pain point that this blog affects my private life, but it’s a casualty of war. I set up a counseling meeting a couple of weeks ago and a young lady said to me, “Your dating life must be great, you’ve got women basically throwing themselves at you.” I looked away and thought to myself, “You really have no clue as to how untrue that statement really is”. Most days this is exactly how I feel…

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Is Chivalry, Among Other Things Dead?

What ever happened to chivalry? Where did all the gentlemen go? Does anyone out there remember the word "dating" anymore? Does anyone know what "dating" means? In fact, whatever happened to plain old-fashioned good manners? We live in an society where in order to land a $15 per hour job, you need a $100,000 college education, and yet it seems that no one has any common sense anymore. In fact, sometimes the multi-degreed, most educated people out there, seem to be the most clueless when it comes to common courtesy, appropriate behavior, and consideration of the feelings of others.

We seem to be living in a "grab-all-you-can, because I deserve it all for free" society. You can blame our economic environment if you want to, but personally I believe it’s a symptom of the evolution of man that needs to be reversed, more sooner rather than later. What do good manners and common sense have to do with love, sex, dating and relationships? Everything. It seems that we need a graduate level education on dating and relationship etiquette – something that unfortunately is never taught in school. And I wonder, when did parents stop teaching polite manners, consideration for others, and social skills at home?  Having a son of my own, during the summer I began to notice a lack of etiquette and communication skills in many of my son's friends at summer camp. Not that surprising, since most of them have had cell phones by the time they are in the fifth grade. Could it be that the cyber world of texting, email, and social media with all of its acronyms like LOL, OMG, LMAO, and TTYL is turning our society into the communication challenged? Maybe we have created a generation or two who are so addicted to the television, Wii, X-Box, the iPad, etc. that we have to offer them a reward for simply getting off their little asses and going outside to play. I've been back in the dating world for a few years now, and it appears that no one wants to work for anything anymore and they all feel entitled to a reward for minimal or no effort. Case in point: men who cannot spend $15 to take you to a movie or ask you out anywhere to take time to get to know you, but expect instantaneous sexual gratification. It seems as though this new style of connecting between the sexes, which we call "hanging out" and "hooking up" has spread like wildfire throughout every generation across the male species.

Has our high-tech world of instant gratification, handicapped us when it comes to interpersonal relationships? Has easy access to online porn caused women to think that they have to open their legs and give up the goods if they are offered a $7 drink or a dinner at Red Lobster? Are women so desperate that they are afraid if that they don’t engage in sex fast enough, they’ll lose a man’s interest and he’ll head out in search of a woman with looser morals? Or is it just that today’s man has evolved into an underachiever who gives up too easily and targets the easy goal?

I’m not saying that women don’t get horny. In fact, sometimes women just want to get laid without strings or drama, just like men. I’m all about embracing one’s sexuality in a healthy way. I can certainly extol the virtues of a high libido that just increases with age. But there are many ways to get your sexual needs met. So if you are a woman who has had a string of liaisons that left you in tears, one-night stands that left you feeling empty, or any interactions with men that has damaged your self-esteem and left you feeling ‘used’ or unhappy, you might want to rethink your strategy and find a healthier solution.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like to think of women as a valuable prize to be won. And to win the prize, you have to put in some effort. If you are not at all familiar with the art of dating, wooing, and winning a woman, go to Netflix and pull up a few Cary Grant movies from the 1950s. I know these are stereotypical portraits of men and women in the 20th century, and women's roles have changed greatly since then. I know that women are much more open-minded now. So what? Does that mean that common courtesy, good manners and polite communication should be abandoned? I don’t think so.

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I’m no prude. I’m not talking about abstinence here. I’m talking about common sense on the part of both sexes: valuing ourselves as human beings, and having some respect for sex itself. I have said this before, and I will say this again: We teach people how to treat us. All I’m saying is if you want a worthwhile experience with a man or woman whom you deem worthy of your time and attention, put in a little effort. If you are a man who is looking to make an impression a smoking hot woman, know that she’s not lying around at home in her matching push-up bra and thong on a Saturday night at 11 PM waiting for you to text her "what R U doing" so that you can come over and have sex. And if you are a woman who would like to feel valued, set the expectations properly right from the beginning. If a man is worth your time, and he is truly interested in you, he should learn how to call you and ask you out for a proper date. If he wants "the prize", he should have to win it. Value yourselves ladies! I hear so many women complain about men not treating them well, or being taken for granted. If you begin a relationship by rewarding someone for mediocrity, do you really think they will ever have the motivation to work harder?

And for my male readers who say they don’t understand what women want, it’s pretty simple. Women want to feel sexy and desirable. They want to feel valued, and be treated with respect. These are the basic rules in any type of relationship – whether dating, committed, or long-term relationship – marriage is no exception. Men want the sex kitten in the bedroom and the perfect lady out in public, but most women I know (especially experienced older women) want that too, and it comes naturally to them. You can unleash your bad boy self to play with the sex kitten once both of you have decided to take it to the bedroom. But act like a gentleman and treat her like a lady first. Yes, women enjoy sex! But unless you are a rock star, or a Chippendale dancer, I can guarantee you – all women have more options than you do in order to have a good time on any given night, and with a lot less effort. So buck up men, and make an effort. If you need help, I offer dating coaching, so I've made myself available on wispert.com to answer any and all questions as it pertains to this subject, plus a whole lot more in the dating and relationship world...

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Happy Bloggerversary to Relationship Lessons!

What makes me, out of all of the people in the world, an authority on relationships? To be honest, I've been married before (12 years) to a terrific woman, but I was a bastard in more ways than one. I lied, I cheated, and I destructively controlled my way out of that relationship. After two other marriages didn't last a year combined, it was time for me to think about what was I missing. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I find the answer to how to do right and more importantly, how to BE right? Then it clicked...the epiphany, the ah-ha moment, the "what you say now" moment when it all came together for me. My first ex-wife and I had several relationship books, which at the time she read more of than of than I did. Within the margins of these books, she wrote her view as to where her marriage was at the time, and most of all, what she wasn't getting from me (WOW)! I took the time to read these books from different writers, and from the wife who was giving me documented proof as to just how much of a bastard I really was. So what makes me, out of all of the people in the world, an authority on relationships? The fact that the lessons I've learned haven't made me perfect (there aren't any PERFECT relationships), but they've made me better. Better for the man I am now, and better for the man I'll be in the future. I'll share with you these lessons, and we can all learn from them together...

That's what I said in my first blog entry back on September 7th of last year. One little column. Fourteen brief sentences in preparation of me opening the door to the public on what was a failed relationship life. It took me a long time to push those fourteen sentences out that day. I was nervous about doing it because I didn't know at first if being transparent about my failures and triumphs was a good idea, or if I would even last that long in the blogger-sphere writing about it. Looking back at it, now 187 posts later, I never could've imagined it would take on the life it has taken now. Darn near 150,000 views from people interested in my point of view in 10 countries? There are blogs out there that would take a lifetime to generate those kind of numbers. Trust me when I say I'm thankful to God for the gift He has blessed me with, but come on...how did all of this happen??? 

I remember March 20th being the beginning of what is still a wow moment for me. A post I made on my Facebook page which has over 150,000 comments by itself, went viral and started the relationship revolution. I checked it about an hour ago Sunday September 8th, and it is STILL getting comments and shares. From that day, I went from what was averaging monthly 200 views to now 14,600. Crazy numbers, right? I get all the stats on every blog (who reads it, the countries that are reading it, which stories you read, whether you use your phone, your desktop, using windows, MAC, android, Blackberry, iPad, smoke signal, carrier pigeon, whatever you can imagine...there is a statistic for it and I get it all! Doing this blog has become more than just me, its become a reference on what to do and what not to do. Sure its about my life sometimes, but it has also become advisory, comedic, controversial, informative, and a little foolish to let off some frustration. Whatever it has become to you, I thank you for reading along and making it what it has become.

For the most part, I write every weekend what will be published for the week, but I couldn't do what I do without the 26 guest blogger who have taken a tremendous amount of pressure off me by helping a brother out. At first it was just a few of my friends who I convinced to write a little something for me, but then I started getting emails from all over the world from people who had relative things to say about their relationships as well. So it has become a conversation stage that some in the relationship world are paying attention to. Let me offically say to all of you who have written, read along, encouraged me both publicly and privately, coached me when I wanted to quit, supported me when I was right, and told me a thing or two when I was wrong, I thank you for it all, and I couldn't have done it without you. Most of you will never understand just how many times I was tired and wanted to quit, how frustrating and painful it is to make my failures public. What I've experienced in my life, some people will NEVER come close to imagining it, yet alone experience it...but I continue to write it because I truly believe in love (even when I failed at it myself), and I truly believe in what love has to offer when the right person and the right opportunity present itself.

As for the motivation I receive from why I write what I write, all I can say is thank you to the one that wrote within the margins of those books that opened my eyes and started my process. I remember you saying that change to me isn't change to you until YOU see the change. That probably was the most profound statement I ever heard you say, next to saying that you now see that change in me 11 years after our divorce. We make a great team as parents and partners, which is why you'll always be "The One" for me as I continue to become the right person and the right opportunity for you. Thank you, and I love you more than you'll ever know. Happy Bloggerversary Relationship Lessons, I hope you've learned something with me along this journey. It can only get better as we get older, but we've come a long way from fourteen sentences a year ago...

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Sex, Sex, Sex Everywhere But Here!

Yesterday morning I asked a question on my RL Facebook page to my 35,000 friends worldwide: Whether you're in a relationship now, or not in one at the moment, and you're choosing not to have sex, how do you get away from the pressure not being sexual presents from your friends, your partner, or even yourself? As of last night, over 7,000 saw the question, read the question, considered the question, but no one answered. Which goes to show just how major the struggle is sometimes. So I think it's time for me to offer a quick confession to level the playing field... 

I know this may come as a surprise since I'm so dashingly charming and overwhelmingly wonderful, but I have not had sex in a really long time. At least a really long time to me, and I'm kind of going crazy about it. My poor body is like, “Hey, remember when someone used to touch us? Wasn't that great? Why don’t we do that anymore?” In my mind, I just can’t seem to seal the deal. Either I get convicted and go back and forth with no sex before marriage, or I can’t seem to attract anyone worthwhile that I’d actually want to have sex with. Who am I kidding? It’s like right now I have a big glowing sign only visible to the opposite sex which reads, “DO NOT GET BUSY THIS DUDE.” And I know you’re all judging me like, “You’re a guy, and a reasonably attractive guy. Just get with someone already.” But that’s not the kind of sex I want. I don’t want just boring, nothing sex. I don’t want bad sex (or maybe I do). I’d almost take bad sex at this point, and that is a REAL sign of desperation on my part. But then the spiral starts all over again and I get all depressed because I don’t even want to try. So yeah, it’s been a long time.

Maybe I’ll reach a zen place in my life where sex won’t matter to me anymore. Maybe I will go so long without it, that I’ll fill my life with some other totally meaningful stuff. I stop having sex and then, I don’t know, I'll start taking vitamins and exercising regularly and find a cure for cancer or something. A friend of mine took a vow of celibacy and then he swears that his music and his voice improved. So maybe I have secret talents and superpowers that will burst forth once I’ve not had sex for the appropriate duration. The way I see it, I could be a prodigy and never even have known it because of all the hormones. It’s been so long that every movie, commercial, strong breeze, mosquito bite, or whatever picture of Sanaa Lathan I see makes me horny. If someone touched my elbow the right way I could probably orgasm. (That’s not true, but it’s like sort of true.) Right now I really miss it. Not just any sex, but the good kind of sex where you’re sweaty and feeling like Superman afterwards and you have to catch your breath and you’re just like, “Damn. This is what humans were made for.” Where everything is in sync and you’re hitting all the right notes and afterwards you just want to drink some Gatorade, grab your woman and do it again and again and again. But another part of me is starting to think, “it’ll never happen again, so why bother?”

I feel like this is a situation some of you can totally relate to, so don't be so quick to judge me. We've all at one point have become so used to not having sex that we just start to give up. We should start expending our energy and thoughts and desires elsewhere. Maybe we should take up Zumba, or join a book club, or volunteer in a soup kitchen, or tandem jump out of an airplane. We should just do all these non-sexual activities and put it out of my mind. Except, you know what happens when you say “don’t think about elephants.” You immediately think about elephants having elephant sex (isn't that how that goes?). I don’t know what to do when it’s been this long. It’s become a cycle of wanting to have sex, but then it’s been so long that I don’t want to because I start thinking really super crazy stuff, like what if I forgot some important moves, or what if it’s too much work, or what if the other person sucks? And so then I don’t, and we’re right back where we started. Horny because of a random thought or something...

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The Single Life vs The Relationship Life (Guest Blogger)

My thanks to Karen Noble for her relationship point of view. I was made aware of her article on Tumblr and I had to share it with the Relationshippers here on this page. I'm sure that once you read it, you may endorse it as well.... 

Granted, I am in a very happy relationship and maybe shouldn’t be the spokesperson for single people. I don’t know, but let me make my claim because someone needs to say something in our favor! Before this relationship now, I was "THAT SINGLE GIRL" in your group of friends who was never dating anyone ever. You know that girl. You wonder about that girl. You have questions about how she lives her life. You don’t get why she just doesn’t get a boyfriend. I was "that girl". I have over two decades of experience being MAD SINGLE. Like the type of single where you’re not even remotely texting someone you might be interested in, because there was no one to text. The type of single where if my light bulb went out in my bedroom and I couldn’t reach it, I'd forget about it because there was no one to do that for me. The type of single where I did not hang out with any man in a one-on-one situation for an unbearable amount of time. The type where an elbow brush with a barista at Starbucks became erotic because no one ever touched me. I was so, SO single.

Then one day, all that changed for literally the first time in my life, and now I have a boyfriend. But I did not have a high school sweetheart at all. I dated sporadically and unsuccessfully in college, fluctuating between a lot of tears and frustration and not being able to understand why I was so unlovable, and gleefully listening to other people complain about their relationships while I wore full-on acne masks to bed in a comforter covered in Cheez-it dust and did not give one single (well you know). So yes I'm in a relationship now, and it's my first one ever. But single people, I feel as though I have a right to speak on your behalf. And although I love my boyfriend, I am actually incredibly glad for all the time I spent by my lonesome. I say this because secretly...kinda maybe...we don’t want to admit it, but I still think being single is better. 

The time I spent single in high school and college really let me get to know myself. And I do now have a great grasp on who I am as a person. I can do things alone. Do I wanna see a movie? Great! I can go alone. Do I want to sit at a diner and work? Great! I can go have a cup of coffee and a booth to myself. Is it Saturday and I have no plans and no one’s around? Great! The museum is fun to go to on my own. And sure, I love my friends but if they’re not able to hang out...I am a-okay because being single taught me that skill, and it’s a useful one to have. It makes you independent. It makes you decisive. It makes you sure of what you like and don’t like without someone else’s stuff getting all muddled in your brain space.

 

I also got a lot done. I was so free to do what I want. I joined clubs. I spent tons of nights with groups of people interested in the things I was interested in and I had a lot of fun. I worked on my career. I never spent hours and hours embroiled in a fight with a partner. I never cried over a boy or a man for weeks, forgetting my school work or internship. At the time maybe I wanted to feel those emotions or have that love drama, but now I’m like, that craziness was a waste of everyone’s time. While you waited for a text from some dude, I wrote a kick-ass thesis, applied for a zillion amazing grants and organized my sorority’s awesome formal. I never checked in with anyone. I never had to compromise my evenings. I never did anything I didn’t want to do (unless I knew it was for a friend I loved, obviously). The world of singledom gave me oodles of time, and time let me do some worthwhile stuff that I’m glad I got the chance to do.

I also got to meet tons of really cool people. Sure, it’s nice to spend all your days with one special guy or gal, but when you’re single, the world of human interaction is your oyster. You can go out and meet different, new and exciting people every night if you want, or you can stay in and chat with your friends who totally get you. Meet anyone and everyone! Spend time with a diverse group of people! Hear new and weird stories from new and weird people! There’s no answering to anyone else, so go have fun! I had some of my best nights while single — a mix of treating myself to wine and chocolate at home, and getting dolled the hell up and meeting friends I adore for some crazy, not-safe-for Facebook evenings. I also learned to change that aforementioned light bulb myself. Don’t take that stuff for granted! All I’m saying is, until you’re really ready to be in a relationship or until one is headed your way like a freight train, don’t worry about it. You’re not tethered, you're not tied down, and you're also not pathetic! Being single rules, and I suspect many of our boo-ed up brethren would secretly agree.

Email your relationship views to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com for consideration, so you can be published as a RL guest blogger.

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Five Reasons Why Men Should Always Support "Girls Night Out"

I’ve always been a fan of “girls night out” or “ladies night” or “no men allowed”. For those of you who have been on another planet and are unfamiliar with the concept, as the various names imply, these are nights dedicated to women of varying relationship statuses hanging out with just their girlfriends. The themes, attire, venues to celebrate and group sizes may vary, but undoubtedly if you’re a man, at some point in your life you’ve been rebuffed by their sworn by blood allegiance of “WE CAME TOGETHER, WE LEAVE TOGETHER!” In a phone conversation a couple of weeks ago, The One and I were talking, and she asked me if our son could sleep at my house while she had a girls night out. Although I had some pretty significant plans on this particular Saturday night myself, I cancelled them without a second thought because I support wholeheartedly her having a night with the girls. Our son is at the age now where sometimes its just good parenting to have a getaway. It has come to my attention that some men aren’t fans of the girls night out concept. In their mind, a committed woman should never leave their man's side for longer than 15-minutes unless to cook, clean, or tend to the kids. According to these men, a committed woman has no business having fun that isn’t inspired by them and them alone while in a relationship. For these reasons, and because this is flat out a stupid way of thinking, I decided to try to persuade these men with five reasons for supporting girls night out.

#1 Women love trust - Most people agree that trust is the most important trait to have in any relationship. You can’t build a strong relationship without first having a strong foundation of trust. It’s easy to trust someone when you’re monitoring their every move. True trust involves believing that the person you’re with will not only be right in your presence, but more importantly they’ll be right when you’re not around. The only thing women love more than being able to completely trust the man they’re with, is feeling like they’re equally trusted by the man they love. Nothing demonstrates that trust like being ok with your woman hanging out with her friends without monitoring her on a pre-installed GPS app, tracking her every move via FourSquare or texting her every 5-minutes to see what she’s doing. Of course, trust is hard to gain and easy to lose but you shouldn’t have to treat your significant other like she’s constantly on parole and one failed pee test away from going back to prison on her third strike. Given the opportunity to breathe, most women will tell you that confidence and trust in your relationship is sexy, and these qualities actually strengthen your relationship and make her want to be respectful of the trust you’ve given her.

#2 Win over her friends - Other than her parents, winning over a woman’s friends is one of the smartest relationship investments you can make. Trust me, you don’t want to date a girl whose friends hate you, because every chance they get, they’re going to be in her ear telling her how she can do better than you, trying endlessly to sabotage the relationship by making mountains out of every molehill, trying to hook her up with “better” men and male friends they know, and basically doing all within their power to make your life a living hell. Friends aren’t looking to break-up your relationship in one swift move; they’re in it for the long haul. For a woman’s friends, it’s a war of attrition, so there’s really no point in trying to fight it. It’s easier to just get them to like you. You can do so by not being the guy that “steals” their friend away from them. Within reason, you can draw the line. They don’t need to hit the bar every night, but if her friends are missing their wing-woman because you’re too busy knocking her head into the headboard leaving her sore and generally too dazed and confused to go out most weekends anymore, a girls night out from time to time isn’t going to make or break your relationship. These small investments in getting her friends to like you will pay dividends when some idiot (or ex-boyfriend) tries to talk to her when you’re not around. If her friends like you, they’ll be there to throw the ultimate c-block for you. If they DIS-like you, they’ll be the first ones trying to get his contact information and share your woman’s Facebook and email with him, along with appropriate times to call/text when you’re away at work. Men, winning the friends over is simply the smarter route. 

Sex - One of the best parts of girls night out is the fact that your woman is almost guaranteed to drink. You might be saying to yourself, “self, why would I want my woman drinking around other strange men? Isn’t that a bad thing?” Clearly, you didn’t read reason #1 very well. If your woman is trustworthy, then no amount of alcohol should make her want any other man but you. In fact, those substances should only make her want you more. She’s spending all night getting ready to come home to you and do all of those things her parents warned her not to do. You’re her man, you’re in a committed relationship, and you trusted her enough to go out and enjoy herself like she ain't got no worries. Trust me, all she’ll do is spend the night coming up with increasingly crazier ways to thank you. I know a thing or two about a thing or three, and this is a fact: no one is more appreciative than a slightly intoxicated, happy woman coming home to a committed relationship. I'm just saying.

#4 Men in the bars/club are lame - One of the primary reasons you don’t have anything to worry about when your woman is on a girls night out is the fact that the majority of men are lame as hell. If you’re in a relationship long enough, it’s inevitable that you might start to think “maybe the grass is greener on the other side.” Well it's not, but it’s human nature to assume and your woman is no different. If you repress her, she’ll start having visions of grandeur about how some other man is just waiting on a bar stool somewhere to treat her better and whisk her away on an island hopping adventure. That crap only happens in romantic comedies and Disney movies, but unfortunately both those mediums have been poisoning your woman’s mind since she was barely able to crawl. That’s why every now and then, you have to be ok with her going out into the world and remember how disgusting, idiotic, and generally lame other single men are in reality. Single men are idiots, and as far as keeping your woman happy and content in your relationship, they’re your best 12th man. One night out in the real world remembering that single men use pick-up lines that include the phrase “struggle snuggle?” will have your woman running home thoroughly traumatized and beyond grateful that she somehow found the one good man available in the cesspool of single men left out there.

#5 Appreciation points - In all seriousness, giving your woman time to herself will always be appreciated. This is even appreciated all the more if she has kids. The One has our son during the weekdays, and to give her that break every once in a while with her girlfriends is a good thing. I'm a "glass half full", habitually optimistic, always a bright side thinker kind of guy. What I take away from The One asking me if I could take care of our son is that (uh, hello) SHE ASKED ME! Most women with children have a backup plan to the backup plan, and in most cases it doesn't include the father at all. That alone made me drop everything I wanted to do, so I can give her that time she needed. In most cases, some women don't go to the fathers because they are not interested in stepping up, or they consider it "babysitting". I believe The One knows I will do whatever is needed to help her decompress whenever I can. Some of these points that I made may be a little tongue-in-cheek, but the points of appreciation in a woman's mind will add up in a man's favor if this one is followed in particular...

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Happy Labor Day

Labor Day in America celebrates the worker and their contribution to the American work force. A national day off, commemorating the last days of summer by barbequing, friends and family and overall laziness if you can sneak it in.

So as any American would, I celebrate this holiday by not typing more than 65 words.

Type you tomorrow, and Happy Labor Day!